The rain pounding against the window woke me up. I came around reluctantly, somehow even more exhausted than when I'd gone to sleep. My eyes blinked open sluggishly, battling against their own weight. Everything looked a little fuzzy around the edges, a little misshapen against the darkness of my bedroom. I squinted up at the ceiling through swollen eyes, listening to the sound of the downpour hammering against the glass and wondered if it was possible to be hungover without drinking a single drop of alcohol.
I'd been pulled out of a dream. A good one too, I think. I could just about feel the afterglow pulsing in my chest, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what the dream had been about. I remembered snapshots; a familiar laugh, silhouettes against a setting sun, the smell of the ocean. I tried to grasp the details, but the harder I held on to them, the faster they sailed away from me, like trying to catch smoke with my bare hands. It felt like it'd been the kind of dream where you wished you could just close your eyes and be right back where you'd left off.
And so I tried. I squeezed my eyes shut and laid still for a long time, trying to conjure myself back into my dream world but my brain had other ideas. The longer I was awake, the more reality wrapped itself around me and the haze of sleep wore away faster that I'd have liked. Instead of dreams, memories of the night before flashed in my minds eye in an uninvited montage - yelling, tears, heartbreak and the smell of beer. I swallowed hard as I remembered, fighting back the thick, stinging feeling of tears in my throat. A weight settled on my chest, heavy and demanding attention I didn't have the energy or desire to give.
I rolled on to my side, my bones aching in the way they did after spending too long tensed against the bitter chill in winter, and peered groggily through the darkness at Jace. He was sat up in bed beside me, staring off into the distance with a small frown, somewhere far away and deep in thought. The streetlights outside glowed past my un-drawn curtains, bathing him in soft orange light that illuminated his messy hair and the tired, purplish shadows beneath his eyes. At some point whilst I'd been sleeping, he'd taken off his jeans and t-shirt, so I watched the even rise and fall of his chest quietly for a while, unmoving.
He looked like he hadn't slept at all, but I wasn't really surprised. From what he'd reluctantly told me after finding him pacing like a caged animal early one morning two weeks beforehand, insomnia seemed to be an old but unwelcome acquaintance of his. It didn't seem to be a problem all the time, choosing to plague him in fits and bursts rather than constantly. When it happened though, good nights saw him get maybe three or four hours of sleep, but bad nights could bring him two at a push. I'd asked him what it was like to live like that, and at the time he'd tried to laugh it off, telling me that more than anything, it was boring as hell.
He didn't look bored, though. He looked like a man haunted by ghosts I couldn't see, and it reminded me that there was still an awful lot I didn't know about Jace Herondale. He never did tell me why he couldn't sleep, and I'd filed the question away with the other thousand or so he'd yet to answer.
I reluctantly let my mind wander to think about what Sebastian had said the night before, about Jace's parents and him destroying everything he touched, and I just knew that whatever had happened, it almost certainly had everything to do with his inability to sleep. Out of nowhere, a bitter twang of jealousy hit me at the thought of Sebastian knowing more about his problems than I did. I swallowed the thought as quickly as it came and shifted a little under the covers, reaching across the comforter for Jace's arm. He blinked a few times as he slowly came back from wherever his mind had taken him, and his eyes met mine.
"See something you like?" he mumbled quietly after a moment, the corners of his mouth lifting into a small smile as he ruffled his already wild hair with one hand, making it stand up on end to attention. I loved seeing him like that; the way he was in private when there was no one but me looking. I took a moment to openly appreciate him before I responded with my own smile.
"Nope." my voice came out as a whisper, scratchy and rasping in my throat. Jace hummed thoughtfully under his breath and rubbed his face.
"Sure, sure. I believe you. Why would anyone want to look at me? I'm hideous." He said dryly.
I nodded solemnly with my mouth set in a grim line, "Truly repulsive."
He laughed under his breath and reached out to run his fingers through my loose hair. His hand followed the line of my neck, gliding over my shoulder and down my arm until it came to rest on the curve of my hip. I sighed against his light touch, my skin tingling beneath his fingertips. He gently tugged on my waist until I was lying across his chest with his arms wrapped around me.
"G'morning." He said tiredly into my hair. I glanced at the clock on my bedside table with a frown.
"It's four and it's still dark out, I refuse to call this ungodly hour morning." I murmured, shifting so I could look up at him.
He shrugged, "Clock says AM, ergo – morning."
I made a non-committal noise and let my head rest back on his chest. We laid silently for a while whilst he twirled a strand of my hair around his fingers.
"Penny for 'em?" I said eventually, breaking the silence. It took a moment for him to respond.
"Did you know you talk in your sleep?" he asked, dropping his hand to his side so he could pluck absently at the bedsheets.
I shifted awkwardly, feeling the beginnings of a blush creep into my cheeks.
"I know I did when I was a kid." I explained slowly, "My mom told me I gave Jon nightmares for months from singing nursery rhymes in the middle of the night." I rolled on to my side and propped my head up sleepily against my pile of pillows with a small grin, remembering my brothers panic stricken face the morning after the first time it had happened. It'd been his own fault really; he'd been ten, and somehow he and his friends had managed to get their hands on a copy of The Shining at a sleep-over. He'd almost peed his pants when he'd heard my creepy-ass voice singing in the dead of the next night.
"Please tell me I didn't sing Mary had a little lamb to you."
Jace huffed out a laugh, his amused eyes catching the streetlights shining through the window. He shook his head, looking back off into the distance.
"I'd have called an exorcist by now if you had." he teased.
"What did I say?" I probed, but I wasn't really sure I wanted to know. I could have said anything, and my track record wasn't exactly filling me with confidence.
Jace's smile was still in place when he responded, but it was a little sad, as if he'd had to remind himself to do it. Every now and again I saw glimpses of that Jace; a man who wasn't fully together all the time for more reasons than just a lack of sleep.
"You asked me not to hurt you."
I felt simultaneously relieved and embarrassed. I watched him silently, chewing on his words for a moment so I could study his reaction, though he gave little away. When he spoke again, his voice was soft.
"I wasn't planning on it."
I hadn't really noticed the size of the nervous knot that had twisted in my stomach until it relaxed. I let out a shaking groan and pushed my face in to the stack of pillows, pulsing fire igniting beneath the skin of my cheeks. I almost wished I'd said something creepy or weird.
"Hey," he said gently as he shifted closer on the mattress, his breath tickling my ear, "Stop hiding."
"No. I'm blushing like an idiot. It's embarrassing." I grumbled into the pillow. He laughed quietly, and the sound made my stomach flip.
"Even better. Let me see."
He tugged the pillows away and rolled me over so I was on my back below him, trapped between his arms. When I looked up at him again, his smile was small but genuine.
"I love how easily you blush." He said, his voice low. I chewed my lip and fidgeted beneath him.
"I look like a tomato." I told him, my voice just as quiet. He smirked with a single eyebrow raised.
"Tomatoes are delicious." He pointed out, his mouth hovering only inches away from mine. He ran his thumb across my cheek, but his smile faltered ever so slightly as he moved to close the gap between us. He paused, and when he spoke, he spoke slowly, measuring his words as if he knew my reaction before he'd even formed them.
"Clary, I think we should talk about last-"
I didn't let him finish his sentence.
In what could only be described as some kind of elaborate knee jerk reaction to the suggestion of discussing the fight with Sebastian, my hands moved as if they were independent from my body and reached up to close the small distance between us, silencing him before he could get the rest of his words out. My fingertips grazed the back of his neck and it took hardly any effort to coax him closer. I pressed my mouth lightly against his and my hands slid down his back, feeling his cool skin against mine. He kissed me back; slow, purposeful kisses that made my toes curl, my heart race and my skin tingle. I was vaguely aware of his hands as they slid beneath my t-shirt, fingertips dancing gently across my abdomen like shadows tickling my skin.
"You know I know you're just trying to distract me, right?" he mumbled against my lips, "I'm on to you."
I nodded with a shudder and whispered, "Is it working?"
He chuckled quietly as his mouth fell to my collar bone and he pulled me flush against him. My back arched against the mattress, and I suddenly became very aware of just how little material came between us, and even more aware of just how much I wanted it gone. My mind emptied of everything except him for a moment; he was all I could see, all I could feel, all I could smell and taste. It was like I'd somehow rewound time to the moments before Sebastian had shown up, every bit of longing and desire reignited under my skin.
I hesitantly pushed at the waistband of his underwear, whispering his name, but rather than indulging me, Jace froze. His breath came in short bursts as he searched my puzzled face, his eyebrows pulled together tightly. I don't know what he found there, but after a long moment he dropped his head and swore quietly against my neck. I bristled beneath him, suddenly rigid and nervous in his arms. He noticed and brought his mouth back to mine quickly, kissing me gently for a few short seconds before he drew away.
The rejection stung, regardless of the regret I saw in his eyes and the way his hands lingered on my body.
"What's wrong?" I could hear the nerves wobbling in my voice.
"Clary," he said huskily, sitting up with a hand worrying through his already dishevelled hair. I silently followed suit, reluctantly pushing my t-shirt back down and gathered the bedsheets around my waist.
"I really think we should talk about what happened last night before we..." he trailed off, rubbing his jaw with a small, apologetic frown.
I closed my eyes and let out a tired huff of air through my nose, leaning against the headboard. Like a creeping vine, anxiety started to constrict around my chest and my mouth went dry.
"Last night doesn't matter." I eventually told him quietly.
I don't really know what made me say it. It was so far from the truth and, judging by the look on Jace's face, we both knew it. Embarrassment, maybe? Denial? Self-preservation? Mostly likely, a combination of the three and then some.
I swallowed and looked away, studying the pictures that lined my walls so he couldn't see the liars guilt plastered across my face. My eyes landed involuntarily on a picture of Sebastian and I, taken at a fourth of July barbeque the summer before college, and the guilt grew into a living, breathing, tangible beast on my shoulder. Just a few seconds ago all I could think about was Jace, now all I could see was Sebastian. My hands felt clammy, and I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my balled fists. I'd tried my best to push back thoughts of Sebastian from the moment I'd woken up, but the wall I'd thrown up was crumbling, thick and fast.
I felt sick.
I wished more than anything in that moment that I could go back to that summer in the picture and tell myself not to be so stupid; not to let myself get so tangled up in the pretty words of pretty boys on pretty beaches. But I'd had no reason at all to doubt Seb. Not then, at least. And it probably wouldn't have made a difference anyway. Back then he didn't have to sit up on the pedestal I'd placed him on, because he really was the person I still wanted to believe he should be. And that was, at the bottom line of it all, the whole issue I guess. I'd never really had any monopoly over him, or any say in how he 'should' be. I'd believed he was mine, but a person can never truly belong to someone else. My brain fried up as the thought finally, agonisingly, crossed my mind that maybe… maybe I was as much a part of the problem as he was.
"It does." Jace told me, following my line of sight with a small smile. His voice was gentle, with no trace of resentment, bitterness or accusation. It made my heart tighten in my chest. I wondered what the hell I'd done to deserve his attention, his kindness. From the moment we'd met he'd been looking out for me, always thinking about my best interests. Which is why my reaction to his words confused me more than anything else.
Too quickly, my anxiety turned to frustration, frustration turned to anger, and anger turned to irrationality. Maybe it was because he'd called it so simply when to me the whole sorry thing was anything but? Maybe it was because I wanted to put all memory of the night before in a box sealed with bright yellow caution tape and lock it away forever and he wasn't letting me? Maybe it was because of the absolute Molotov Cocktail of emotions that battled inside me whenever I thought about Sebastian?
Either way, I reinforced the crumbling wall with steel when I should have told him the truth – that my feelings about what had happened with Sebastian were all over the place. I was tired. I was scared. I was happy. I was sad. I was bitter. I was proud. I was relieved. I was hopeful. I was uncertain. I was so confused. I should have just told Jace that. He'd get it, I knew he would. But I couldn't force myself to put in to words the shit show inside my head, and so my inner saboteur began to work her magic.
"There's nothing to talk about. It's done." I said firmly, hearing the clip in my tone clear as crystal.
"It's okay to be upset, Clary." He replied softly, and I felt a rocking wave of anger kick through me. Fight or flight mode had been activated, and my mind had chosen the former as it's preferred defence method.
"Don't tell me how I'm feeling, Jace. I'm not some project for you to fix." My voice was full of a quiet irritation that shocked us both. He raised his eyebrows, surprise painted clearly on his face, and shook his head.
"That's not what-" he started, placing his hand over mine.
I blinked quickly, trying to control my rapidly building temper, but it was useless. I continued on, cutting over him as I drew my hand away. I couldn't stop the words that tumbled out of my stupid mouth. It was like my brain and my vocal cords couldn't work in sync anymore because of some kind of fatal internal system error.
"I don't know what you want me to say, Jace," I stuttered sharply, turning my face away from him to watch the rain beating against the glass, "I got it all out of my system after he left. I'm sorry you had to see it, and that you got dragged into this mess in the first place, but it's over. I'm fine now. Back off." More lies. My voice scratched against my throat, a lump forming.
Jace watched me carefully for a long moment before he gave me a tight lipped, colorless smile.
"You're fine? This is what fine looks like?" his hushed tone bordered on incredulity.
He knew my go-to line all too well, and I knew that he wouldn't buy it for even a minute. I blinked, long and hard, before my face set stubbornly. Inside I was screaming. I was being an asshole, and I couldn't control it. I didn't know where it was coming from, or why I couldn't just switch it off. Instead of backing down, I steeled myself and gritted my teeth.
"Yes, Jace. I'm. Just. Fine."
He just looked at me, his face unreadable, and after a moment he let out a long huff of breath as he shook his head tiredly.
"Okay Clary, I'll play along. Just fine it is, but you be sure to let me know when you're ready to be honest and trust me, okay?"
"You want me to be honest? Okay. I can be honest." I raked both hands through my hair, "Honestly, I feel like you know all my deep, dark secrets and I know nothing at all about you. Why can't you sleep Jace? What were you thinking about before? You talk about trust but that goes two ways. You dodge most of my questions. It's like you just keep me around for-" my rant paused, my breath hitching in my throat. A beat of silence passed between us and it was louder than anything I'd ever heard.
Jace's voice was low when he asked, "For what, Clary?"
"For convenience." I whispered.
Jace sat very still, watching me with dark eyes. He didn't speak, and the silence forced my sanity to return, crashing back into me like a meteor. Regret for what I'd said and done in the last ten minutes tasted tangy, like copper on my tongue.
"You mean for sex?" the question was clearly rhetorical; he didn't wait for me to answer before he continued on, "You know, you're literally the most inconvenient woman I could be with if this was just some kind of casual, no strings deal. If that's all I wanted from you, I could have found someone without all the extra baggage." he said eventually, his voice smooth and quiet. I cocked an eyebrow, hurt.
"I'm sorry my baggage is causing you inconvenience Jace, but at least you know what mine is about."
"That's not how I meant that to-"
"Why aren't you sleeping?" I interrupted.
Jace didn't answer the question. Instead he sighed, scooted down in the bed and rolled on to his side, so his back was turned to me.
"I think I'll do just that. Get some sleep, Clary." His voice was a low mumble against the pillows.
I watched his muscles tense, knowing that he was going to do anything but. After a few minutes, I curled up in a ball facing the opposite direction and squeezed my stupid eyes shut. We laid like that for a long time, neither of us sleeping, but neither of us broke the suffocating silence either, despite how much we wanted to say.
Jace wasn't there when I woke up again. From the moment I'd opened my eyes and realised that his side of the bed was cold and had clearly been empty for some time, the space he'd occupied had taken on a life of its own. Nausea rolled over me.
It took me a long time to gather the energy to push myself upright, and when I did I had to steady myself against a headrush. Bed sheets twisted around my legs as I pressed the heels of my hands against my dry eyes as hard as I could and I tried to listen for any signs of movement in the apartment, but I didn't hear any. My heartbeat became wild in my chest, fluttering as quickly as a hummingbirds wings when I glanced at the floor and realised his shoes were gone.
I sucked in deep breaths and told myself out loud to keep my shit together.
He couldn't have left. He wouldn't have left.
Right?
In the sobering light of day, after getting more sleep, I could see that my reaction the night before had been fuelled by fear. Still, it wasn't any kind of excuse for how I'd treated him when he'd been trying to help me. I'd been a grade A bitch, and I'd have to fix it, or deal with the consequences.
Truthfully, the thought of those consequences upset me more than anything else that had happened in the last twelve hours.
When I'd calmed down enough to breathe normally, I checked the clock and was surprised that it was only eight thirty. He must have left early. I forced myself out of bed, swallowing down the fist-sized lump in my throat, and headed towards the door. I focussed on putting one foot in front of the other as I dragged myself to the bathroom and came to a halt in front of the mirror. I took one glance at my gaunt, blotchy skin and bloodshot eyes before I looked away in disgust.
No wonder he'd spirited himself away. I was a train wreck.
I powered on the shower with a sigh.
I stripped out of my pyjamas and stepped into the cubicle as quickly as I could force my tired body to move, but my joints felt stiff and mechanical. I stood beneath the steaming hot water for a long time, letting it turn my whole body pink and tender as I rested my forehead against the tiles. When the heat got too much to handle, I adjusted the temperature and scrubbed at my skin, trying to wash away the blanket of sadness and guilt that had settled heavily over me. As I rinsed shampoo out of my hair and sternly told myself that the tears rolling down my cheeks were just droplets from the shower, I wondered if I should be surprised that the reason I felt so gutted was because Jace had left, rather than having anything at all to do with Sebastian.
When I got back to my bedroom I dumped my pyjamas and towel on the floor, not caring about the mess. I absently grabbed the first comfortable clothes I could find - a pair of grey jersey shorts and an old, oversized sweater that had once belonged to my dad - and pulled them on sluggishly. I found a pair of fuzzy purple socks poking out of my underwear draw and rolled them on to my feet as I sat down at the vanity.
I didn't make eye contact with myself this time, my eyes drifting yet again to look at the pictures that lined the walls as I blow dried my hair. It was a mistake - everywhere I looked I was reminded of Sebastian. It wasn't just the one photograph, but dozens more and paintings too. I slammed the drier down suddenly and got to my feet, ripping each and every one of them from the wall, balling the paper up in my fists as tightly as I could. I tossed them into the bin and sank back into the stool with shaking knees and braided my still damp hair over my shoulder to keep my hands busy.
Once I was done, I shuffled into the kitchen. I didn't remember the last time I'd eaten something substantial. Lunch the day beforehand, maybe? I didn't feel hungry, exactly, but I hoped having something to eat would help with the pounding headache I felt behind my eyes and the empty expanse that continued to grow in my stomach.
I was hunting through the kitchen cupboards for my stashed box of cereal when I heard a key turn in the lock. I frowned as the front door opened and closed quietly. Church chirped with curiosity and abandoned his bowl to investigate the noise, with me not far behind him.
"Izzy? Maia?" I called with a rasp, confused because I hadn't expected either of them to be home until Sunday. I leaned around the doorframe, gripping tightly on to the spoon I'd been holding. It took a moment for my brain to catch up with what my eyes were showing me, but when it did my eyebrows shot up.
Jace stood a little awkwardly in the entrance to the apartment and gave me a small, hesitant smile. I watched him with my mouth slightly open and a frantically beating heart. He held a cardboard cup of coffee in each hand, and I spotted the straps of a backpack over his shoulders. His hair was a little damp, curling at the ends, and he smelled overwhelmingly like citrus. I noticed absently that he was wearing different clothes than he had been the day before.
"Oh." I said eventually, the shock clear in my voice.
"Hi." He said a little apprehensively, "I didn't think you'd be up yet. Coffee?" He held out a cup for me, but I didn't take it straight away.
"How did you…" I asked him, gesturing towards the door. His smile turned a little bashful, which was new for him.
"Ah. I found your keys on the floor. Hope you don't mind." He explained, "Why are you holding that spoon at me like it's a sword?" he added, his head cocked to the side.
I blinked.
"I thought you'd left." I told him dumbly, lowering my arm.
"I mean, technically I did." He shrugged with one shoulder and held up the coffee. He set the cups down on the side table and pulled off his backpack, hanging it on a hook along with his wet jacket. He ruffled his hair with his fingers, sending tiny drops of rain flying through the air.
"But you came back." I said as he unzipped the bag and pulled out two packages wrapped in wax paper and foil. He set them next to the coffee.
"Of course I came back." He said finally, setting my keys down. He glanced at me out of the corner of his eyes, "Didn't you-"
I threw my arms around him and hugged him as tightly as I could manage before he had a chance to finish his sentence, shocking him in to silence. Tears and relief suddenly stung behind my eyes, but I sniffed them back and buried my face in his sweater.
"You came back." I repeated softly, and he relaxed with a quiet sigh. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me closer, "When you weren't there when I woke up, I thought you might have… because last night… it was…" the end of the sentence got lost in my throat.
"I needed to grab some things." He mumbled into my hair before he pulled away. His mouth lifted up in a lopsided smile that sent a cyclone of butterflies soaring in my stomach, and he stuffed his hands in his pockets.
"I left you a note. You didn't read it?"
I frowned, "I didn't see anything."
He looked a little embarrassed; I swore I saw the tips of his ears turn pink.
"On the pillow." He explained with a grimace before he disappeared into my bedroom. He came back shortly after with a piece of note paper in his hands.
"Found it under the bed," he drawled as he crossed the room in a few long strides, "You must have knocked it off. Clearly I didn't account for the fact you roll around like a bowling ball when you're sleeping." He rolled his eyes and handed it tentatively to me.
"I do not." I plucked it prissily from his fingertips and quickly took in his neat handwriting. It was cramped, but very Jace. Orderly, purposeful, not a lot of fuss.
Clary,
I thought about waking you up before I left, but I figure after last night you might want more sleep. And right now, you look like you're in a coma, so there's that.
I need to head home, but I'll be back soon. Hopefully before you even wake up so I can burn this note and pretend I never did something so embarrassing, and you'll be blissfully ignorant to how lame I really am.
But, just in case, don't miss me too much.
Jace
PS. I'll bring breakfast. Your stomach has a pretty impressive growl even when you're sleeping.
PPS. I'm sorry.
I felt my heartbeat pick up its pace as I swallowed and neatly folded the paper.
"Coma talk is not sexy. Four out of ten; needs work." I said blandly as I slid the paper on to the table and met his eyes. He grinned at me.
"I'll be sure to try harder next time." His voice was dry, but not unkind. I gave him a begrudging smile of my own before it faltered. I chewed my lip and folded my arms.
"I thought you'd gone." I sighed. He nodded slowly.
"I admit my timing probably sucked in hindsight. I couldn't sleep."
I nudged him with my shoulder, "What's new?"
He laughed quietly, "Touché." He paused for a moment before he continued slowly, clearly unsure if he should ask or not, "How are you feeling?"
I looked up at him beneath my eyelashes with a sad twist on my lips and sighed.
"Pretty shitty. I'm sorry for lashing out on you, I know you were just trying to help. I was an asshole."
Jace handed me a cup of coffee and ushered me towards the couch. I sat down and took a long sip as he grabbed his own cup and the wax wrapped parcels. He settled himself next to me and offered one across the short distance, the smell of bacon wafting through the air.
He didn't speak right away, and we both tucked into our bacon, egg and cheese rolls quietly. Eventually, he balled up the paper between his fists and let out a breath.
"Listen Clary, I'm not going to sit here and tell you I understand what's going through your head because I don't. But I do understand what it feels like to lose control of your emotions like that, I know how overwhelming it can be. I get it, and I don't need you to apologise for it. Not to me." he said seriously, looking me in the eyes, "I'm not going to sit here and ask you to go back through every little detail, but I am going to ask you to tell me honestly what's going on in your head."
I looked away, watching Church as he swatted at raindrops on the glass in the bay window. I still didn't want to talk about it, but I knew I had to. I knew I should. It would help. I chewed on my lip silently for a second, before giving him a swift nod.
"Okay." I told him, my throat feeling tight.
"Okay." He repeated.
I took a moment to think about where to start and let out a long breath.
"I feel so confused," I told him slowly, truthfully, "I'm relieved. More than a little miserable. Pissed that it happened and pissed that it took so long to happen. You're right; it's totally overwhelming, feeling so many different emotions at the same time. When I lost it last night it was like a pipe burst in my brain, but it kind of helped relieve some of the pressure." I looked at my hands, twisting in my lap, then glanced at him with a wince, "Does that even make any sense?"
Jace nodded, "It does."
"Sebastian was such a big part of my life for so long." I continued, "I know I'm justified in feeling sad but Jace… I'm not really sure how to explain it. I kind of feel like I'm mourning a fictional character rather than a real person. If I'm totally honest with myself, the person I'm sad about losing doesn't actually exist anywhere other than my imagination, and that's embarrassing. I'm so mad with myself for letting it get this far." My throat felt thick with tears and my eyes stung already. I squeezed them tightly, swiping my cheeks with the sleeve of my hoodie.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to get upset again." I whispered.
Jace grabbed my hand and took it between both of his so he could brush his lips across my knuckles.
"You have nothing to apologise for." he said seriously, looking me in the eyes, "You're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling."
I chewed my lip and sniffed, "I could have stopped this a long time ago, though." I admitted miserably, "I'm part of the problem. I brought it on myself. I deserve-"
"What exactly do you deserve, Clary?" Jace interrupted, an edge to his voice, "To be lied to and messed around with? To be strung along for years? You said it yourself last night. What you deserve is better than him. Better than feeling like this." he squeezed my hands again, his amber eyes blazing, "You didn't ask for this."
"He's not a bad guy, Jace." I said weakly.
He sighed, leaning back against the chair, "Good people do shitty things too, Clary. People aren't as simple as good and bad. I'm sure he didn't mean for it to turn in to this, but here we are anyway. You can't blame yourself for everything that's happened."
My mouth opened and closed again, my cheeks damp with stray tears. I didn't know how to respond, but I knew he was right. Of course he was. I looked at our hands, entwined together between us on the couch, then back to his face. I took him in slowly, his dishevelled blond hair, the shadow of stubble on his jaw, the determination in his eyes. The pounding of my heart. The flush in my cheeks.
"You'll be okay, Clary. This will get better." He said, and I nodded. Again he was right; as much as it hurt now, it would feel better in time. It was for the best.
But still, a question niggled in the back of my mind, gnawing and chewing at my confused thoughts. I met his eyes again, and the words came out without really thinking too much about them at all.
"Why are you still here?"
Jace looked at me, his eyebrows pulled together, clearly confused.
"You want me to leave? For real?" his tone was incredulous, hurt. I squeezed his hands and shook my head quickly with a breathless laugh.
"God, no. I mean, why have you stuck around this whole time? You've known since the day we met that I've been hung up on some other guy. You had to hear some awful shit last night, Jace. About your family, about yourself. Most people wouldn't even bother. Why have you?"
Jace winced, "Those things he said weren't true. I haven't been with anyone else since-"
I shook my head again, "That's not what I'm saying, I really need to work on my words. I'm not accusing you of sleeping with other people. I want to know why you're not. Why me?"
Jace looked at me with sceptical eyes before he laughed quietly. I narrowed my own at him, but before I had a chance to speak he had leaned across the gap between us. He took my face in his hands and kissed me hard, so hard I had to grab on to his shoulders to steady myself from falling back into the cushions.
"I don't know, Clary. You're weird. You make the lamest jokes, but they actually make me laugh. You can't hold a tune to save your life, but I still want to hear you yell along to the radio in the shower." He said as he kissed me. He drew away and rested his forehead against mine as I bit back a mortified laugh. He smiled slowly, as if he was letting me in on the world's greatest secret.
"Did you know you flex your fingers whenever you want to draw?" he continued, "I've never actually noticed that kind of thing with anyone I've dated before, but I can't stop noticing it. You're smart, talented, a pain in the ass – don't look at me like that, I mean it as a compliment. I've never met someone so willing to pin their heart to their sleeve like you do. It makes me want to know everything about you. And… it makes me want to tell you everything about me, just to see what you'll do next. You're beautiful. Inside and out. How could I not want to be with you?"
I felt breathless, a little dizzy. I don't know how I was expecting him to answer that question, but it wasn't like that.
"Careful now, Herondale, you'll ruin your reputation if you keep up with that kind of talk." I mumbled and pressed my lips gently against his.
"To hell with it." He chuckled as he drew away. He kept hold of my hand with one of his, the other moving to run through his still damp hair. I noted the slight frown that pulled between his brows.
"About all that stuff with my family…" he started, but I held up a hand, shaking my head.
"I shouldn't have pushed like that." I said, feeling guilt gnaw at my chest, "I'm sorry, Jace. I'm not going to lie to you and say I don't want to know, because I do. I want to help if I can, but I know how selfish it is to ask you to do that when you've said so many times that whatever it is, it's hard for you. I hope you'll tell me one day, but it doesn't have to be right now."
Jace looked at me for a long time, his eyes dark. I could see him weighing up his thoughts, his options. After an agonisingly long pause, Jace let out a breath and rested his forehead against mine again with his eyes closed.
"Okay." He said simply, his voice quietly hesitant.
"Okay?" I repeated, confusion painted clearly in my voice. What did 'okay' mean?
He nodded and spoke again, his voice more confident, "Get changed."
He stood and grabbed his coffee cup, downing the rest of the contents in one like it was a shot.
"Where are we going?" I asked. I stood up awkwardly and trailed behind him as he disappeared into the hallway. He paused in the doorway of my bedroom, leaning against the frame with an anxious frown.
"To see my mom."
Hi everyone! It's been a wee while, hasn't it? Thanks for the messages checking in, I'm fine but it's been a rough couple of months. Honestly I'm not super happy with how this chapter turned out but if I didn't get it gone, it would sit there forever.
Let me know your thoughts in the reviews, hopefully the next update won't be too far away - and we'll start to find out a little more about Jace!
Hope you're all keeping safe and well as always, G x