Author's note:
I have not written anything creatively in 25 years. I did not think I even could. However, since the season 8 finale my mind has been stirring and stirring and the pot has been bubbling and bubbling and to my great surprise and delight, this story rose to the surface a few nights ago between 2-3 am.
It picks up rather abruptly in the middle of season 8 episode 12 when Elizabeth goes to the jail to talk to Nathan. That is where some of you stopped watching the show forever. So here is a different version.
By the way, we have learned that Nathan is a great reader and can quote the classics. My Nathan is a reader of the greatest classic of all and it's words often come to his aid.
Here we go….Elizabeth has already started her unsettling monologue and Nathan is standing there listening…..
"I also realized that I was trying to find Jack in you. I've been trying to replace him with you."
Elizabeth's unexpected entrances into his life of late were unpredictable and he had accepted that. He knew she was confused and conflicted dealing with issues of grief and fear that had been put off for too long. He had felt she was on the right path and would eventually find her way.
Until now.
This was just wrong.
This was not true.
More words came out of her mouth about not being in love with him, but he didn't pay attention because the root of the problem was the lie, not the love or alleged lack of it.
She turned to walk to the door.
Elizabeth! A prayer screamed from his spirit to the heavens…..to make this right. To fight against this falsehood.
She had never seen Jack in him. He knew it.
Without thought, he quickly walked in long strides to the door and stood before her with a wide stance, his back to it. She stopped. Her eyes on his. Breathing hard. She had meant to escape quickly, but this time he would prevent it.
She was as beautiful as always, in light blue, her hair soft around her shoulders, but with a dangerous untruthfulness in her heart that could destroy more than just her own life.
He did not know what to say, and words had often started them down a bad path of misunderstanding.
As he silently sought wisdom, his right hand moved to his left shoulder to release the button there.
He removed the Sam Brown belt and holster and set them on the chair next to the door. His front lock of hair fell over his forehead but he didn't smooth it back. His eyes returned to hers as he reached for the neck closure on his serge and unhooked it, then continued to unbutton until it was open in the front. Elizabeth's eyes were on his, slightly widened. He pulled it off backwards, his henley stretching tight across his chest and the buttons straining for a moment. He set it on the chair also. He glanced at Elizabeth who was silent, watching him, her eyes calmer now. He hesitated another moment, and then hooked his thumbs under his suspenders and slung them off his shoulders to hang at his hips. Then he stood there before her, his hands now clasped lightly in front of him.
He wasn't sure what had made him do this, but somewhere in the back of his mind was a dreamlike memory of Elizabeth in purple, and her voice softly saying "I'm just following my instincts then...about...everything."
He was counting on those instincts to intervene now.
He stood there. Nathan the man. Her eyes were on his, and he gazed into them. He didn't know what his eyes were saying to her. He just wanted her to see him as he was. To know him. His spirit was screaming to the heavens …..make…. this….. right!
He felt he could lose her for good now if he didn't get through to her. He couldn't speak…..he could only stand.
She scanned him up and down, taking in his tousled locks, clasped hands, trim core, narrow hips, long legs and solidly placed feet. She took him in. Nathan Grant.
Her eyes dropped down to the floor at his side for a moment.
She took several deep breaths. She did not appear afraid, but there was clearly a battle waging inside of her.
He waited.
She took a step forward and then another. Her arms slowly came up, shaking slightly, to rest on each of his biceps. He didn't move, except to breathe more quickly and he could feel his pulse accelerating. Her head was bowed before him, her hands on his arms, and a feeling of connectedness began to grow strong between them. He could smell her hair, her skin. The other day in her home, when she was this close for a moment, he had caught a whiff of it and it made him a bit heady as it did now. He forced himself not to move. She inhaled slowly and let it out. Fleetingly he wondered how he smelled after being in the mountains on horseback for hours. She inhaled slowly again. Slowly her eyes raised to his and he saw something there he had never seen before. Recognition? Discovery?
Now her hands moved inward to rest on both sides of his chest.
He stood there. Nathan the man.
What could he do? He had already offered her his heart.
She felt his heart beating on the left side. She put both hands over his heart for a moment, his living beating heart. Nathan's heart. Her eyes lowered to where her hands rested on his heart for a moment. Then they raised to his again and her hands glided slowly up his chest and to the sides of his neck, resting on those pulses for several beats, before her fingers slid around to rest on the back of his neck.
The feeling was exquisite, but he felt he should not move. He was sensing an answer to his inward cry of distressed prayer: "Be still and know that I am God." [1]
They weren't alone in the room. A stillness and sense of holiness seemed to descend upon them. So he waited while Elizabeth now leaned in and put her head on his chest, her ear to his heart. As on the day of the shooting, she fit as if the place was made for her. He had to unclasp his hands with her pressing so close, and placed them lightly on her upper arms. Be still and know that I am God.
The world was still as they stood there. He could feel Elizabeth relaxing against him a bit. Was she feeling less fear? Was she feeling safe with him? Sunlight from the window illuminated dust motes floating around them. He started to relax too.
As he waited, another verse flew through his mind…"I will do marvels…. such as have not been seen." [2] And he knew that something new had been set in motion. Something old was being cast away. He had no words yet, but as his human spirit continued to plead to the Lord, he knew the Holy Spirit was interceding with words he could not express.
He waited. And Elizabeth's blue eyes raised to his again. Her gaze changed again to one of intent. Her forearms tensed slightly as she raised her head and her lips were clearly reaching for his.
What could he do but respond? He lowered his head slightly to meet her.
Their lips met softly and the world shifted. His heart expanded. A blazing feeling rushed him from head to toe. His hands moved up gently, one to the nape of her neck under her hair and the other to the middle of her back. He adjusted his feet to stabilize them both. She didn't move away. They both instinctively lengthened the kiss, prolonging the connection.
So much was communicated in that moment….. desperation, passion, longing, which became belonging, and joy combined with uncertainty that this moment was not a guarantee of anything to come. He did hold back, not allowing himself to release all of his feelings for her, but this kiss was something she needed in order to understand them more.
After several moments, she released contact and moved only her head back, eyes meeting his again, blue to blue. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes deep, her mouth open. They both breathed a single deep breath, eyes locked, and then she leaned forward and kissed him again. It was a questioning kiss. He kissed her back gently, not demanding, giving only the amount his instincts told him she needed.
She ended the kiss and stepped back. Her hands slipped down to rest on the front of his chest again. Her eyes were on his and for a moment she seemed at peace.
It was the same glowing expression he had seen on the night of the wedding when she had forgiven him.
Nathan Grant the man stood there before her. For several moments they remained that close, soaking in each other and the presence in the room. He had not a doubt that she had kissed and was seeing him for himself. He hoped that clarity was enough to change her course.
Then they heard distinct sounds of heavy footsteps passing by the jail entry door. Elizabeth jerked slightly and her eyes started darting slightly from side to side. He saw her confusion begin to return.
Now he found his words. "Elizabeth," he said, his voice trembling in the middle of her name. Her eyes met his again. He saw fear again. Her hands were still on his chest and his were on her arms. His voice was soft. He trusted that his words would speak truth. That his touch would help her ears remain open to hear him.
"I sense you are on the verge of making a mistake that would alter the course of your life, with great consequence. Please…," he had to stop and take a trembling breath, "Please….nothing needs to happen today. Wait. I have been. And I will, for as long as you need. Tomorrow school starts. I've seen you walking around with that superintendent. I know you're working out something important with the school. Focus on that for today, for this week. Don't rush this thing with you and me…or Lucas… You need more time to settle your heart for the truth about me and who I am to you."
She took a deep breath and swallowed. Her eyes locked on his, she stepped back and her arms dropped to her sides at the same time his did.
Trusting, trusting in the one who was leading him, he stepped to the side away from the door.
She didn't immediately move, except to reach out with her right hand for his left one, and they grasped tightly for a moment, eyes locked again.
She nodded slightly, swallowed, heaved one last breath, and slowly opened the door and walked out. He went to the doorway and watched her walk slowly several steps down the boardwalk toward the school.
He then shut the door behind her, his heart full of prayer.
[1] Psalm 46:10
[2] Exodus 34:10
Author's Note: This little story, this first chapter, won the "Suspenders Unbuttoned Overall Favorite" prize for their fanfic contest in May/June 2021.