Elena touched the ground with her hooves and turned quickly to face where she had come from. The light that she walked through was gone. She snorted and gave a full body shake to feel every part of herself back as she should be again. After a moment of appreciation for four legs, she rocketed away from where she came in. She hadn't run this hard, this fast, for too long. It had been over a year, ever since her last day in her realm. She was back home now and free to race and race and race along. Her body carried her swiftly. Her human form had been under-weight before she left, but her true body was in perfect condition as always. She tore along the ground, stretching her stride as long as she could, dodging between trees and leaping over big rocks and logs without slowing down.
Somehow, she always knew how to get back to the Garden, no matter where she was. Elena made her way there, the longing in her body to be back there filling her up. She was still far away, and it would take days to make it back, but she ran as if she could reach it soon. She ran toward it, but what was really driving her forward was running away from everything she had just left behind. She wanted the thoughts of Ava, of Castiel, of Bobby, of Sam, of Dean, far from her mind. She tried hard to escape it, but they hung over her mind and refused to let go.
The best she could do was focus on how her body felt as she ran. She was tired and needed to rest, to slow down, but she pushed on and allowed the pain to fill up her mind, briefly pushing thoughts of humans and angels and her daughter away. She forced herself to continue, trying to run and maintain that focused pain until it became too much for her body and she was forced to stop.
Her sides were expanding and contracting rapidly as she worked to get her breath back under control. She groaned and lowered herself down slowly, first to her knees on her front legs, then dropping her flank to the ground on one side and stretching her front legs out. Her heaving slowed after a little while, but she knew she wouldn't be able to get back up for some time. She nosed the ground around her muzzle, letting out a low nicker. There was no response, of course. Everyone who would have responded was dead. Even though it wasn't totally silent, the lack of noise felt oppressive to her ears, the solitude beginning to overwhelm her.
Did I just trade one horrible reality for another?
She let out a low breath. It didn't matter anyway because there was no going back.
Elena found some of her human traits remained, but they faded away the longer she was home. Thinking to herself was probably the most distinctive trait that had remained, and it was the one that held on the longest, the last to go. Time-tracking, focusing on memories, self-reflection, they all carried over at first but eventually faded away. It wasn't that she had forgotten her time as a human, or that she didn't have the same feelings as previously, but there was just no need to have all that sitting so heavily in her mind. Humans were so tied to their emotions and thoughts, but it was different for unicorns. There was a level of detachment because much of the noise of human life was unnecessary for a unicorn to retain. There was no purpose to it, so it was set aside.
She would spend her days wandering, but never so far that she was away from the Garden more than a night or two at most. It was still the safest place for her to be, and where she felt most comfortable. The bodies of her family were gone—how, she wasn't sure, but she didn't care. She wouldn't have wanted to come back and see them all laying there lifeless, rotting away, so it was for the best. Home was different than how it had been before. It was so much quieter, and she felt incredibly lonely. Unicorns were not solitary creatures, never meant to be alone for long. She missed her herd, her family.
Time stretched on. She had no need to acknowledge how it was passing, so there was no way for her to know how long she had been home. The longer she was back, the more simplified her emotions became. There wasn't the same importance in experiencing them, especially with no one else to have to face up to. The one that seemed to persist was a sense of regret. It was not natural to her kind to have that feeling, but while everything else of her time as a human had left, that little bit remained. No other feelings, just a small piece of regret in her heart and mind about everything from Ava's birth onward. Elena enjoyed the comfort of being home, despite the changes. She felt secure knowing that while nothing would ever be added, nothing else would be taken away from her.
She was wandering along one day when she felt a shift. She stopped moving, standing almost entirely still. She flicked her ears all around her, trying to catch any sound, but there was nothing. Her nostrils flared, but no scent reached them. Elena was tense, unsure of what had happened, but knowing that something was different. She lowered her head and snorted. All she could sense was that she wasn't alone anymore.
Elena, it's me. I need to talk to you.
Elena lifted her head in surprise at the voice in her head. Her whole body quivered in response and she snorted loudly, but she remained still.
Please, Elena.
Her legs started carrying her before she realized she had decided to go to him. A walk quickly became a fast trot, into a rapid canter, and then she was galloping to him. She didn't know how far away he was, but she could feel where his energy was emanating from. She ran for a long time, as long as she could before having to rest. It took time to reach him, but she wasn't sure how much. She would run until she couldn't anymore, rest, then run again. Finally, she broke through the trees leading to the clearing where he was standing. His back had been turned but he came around to face her as she approached, practically sliding to a stop in front of him.
He widened his eyes a little at the sight of her, and hers did the same. He looked different. His hair was longer and very messy. He had a lot of facial hair. What she noticed the most was the haunted look in his eyes, a look that had never been there before. She hadn't realized how much she had missed him until that moment.
"Elena," he said aloud, his low voice sounding rougher than she remembered.
Elena nickered in response and bumped his chest with her nose. He raised a hand tentatively but stopped just shy of her jaw. He glanced at her, unsure. Elena lowered her head a little more and gave a few small huffs, signaling approval. When his hand stroked her jaw, then moved down her neck to her shoulder, she quivered again. She had never had a human body touch her true form before, and she was surprised at the sensation. She tried to talk to him, but it had been so long that it took a little while before she found her voice again.
Castiel, why are you here?
He pulled his hand away at her question and stepped back. She felt sad; it seemed like her question had upset him. She hadn't meant it to sound cold, but there was no easy way for her to communicate that.
"Elena, what would it take for you to agree to come back with me?"
Elena shook her head and snorted, stamping one of her front hooves on the ground hard.
I don't want to go back.
He positioned himself directly in front of her, and she wasn't sure if it was on purpose or by mistake that he moved into one of her blind spots. She lowered her head a little bit, trying to feel where he was standing. She pulled back a little when his hands gripped the undersides of her jaw. She drew her head in and pointed her nose to the ground, then felt him step forward and press his forehead against the spot between her eyes.
"I found her, Elena," he told her. "I found Ava."
Elena jerked her head away from his hands and could see him looking confused as she whirled around sideways. She reared up and let out a loud whinny, striking the air again and again as she stayed upright. When she finally came back down, she lowered her head, nose almost to the ground, keeping an eye on Castiel.
What do I have to do?
He closed the distance between them.
"I need to touch you while I say this," he told her. "It's a spell. It will return you to your human form when we go back."
Elena snorted her understanding and lifted her head again. Castiel stood just in front of one of her shoulders, his back to her head. In his human form he was almost six feet tall, his head only a little taller than her withers. She pulled back slightly when she felt him put an arm over her, his hand resting at her withers. She lowered her neck a little and she felt his other arm encircle the other side before realizing he was pressing his face against the side of her neck, hugging her. She trembled a little as she waited, and she felt his mouth move as he said words she didn't understand.
Elena heard a soft pop and felt her body moving through something. She couldn't see what was happening even though there were colors and shapes all around her, it was all fast and distorted, just like the first time she had crossed over. She felt like she was spinning uncontrollably and that everything she thought she saw around her was just nothing. There was no feeling, then another soft pop and she was standing on two feet, Castiel's arms wrapped around her holding her up. She fell forward, surprised by the shift in her balance even though she had been expecting it.
Castiel fell backward and hit the ground with Elena on top of him. She looked at him in surprise, having forgotten what it felt like to be a human.
"Are you okay?" He asked her, concerned.
She nodded slowly as she looked at his face. He looked so different. She couldn't get over the change.
"You—" Elena paused, surprised again by the sound of her voice. "You look different," she said.
Castiel just stared at her for a minute before responding.
"Yes."
Elena pulled herself off him and sat on the ground next to him, looking around. He sat up, staring at her.
"Castiel," she started, but he stood abruptly and interrupted her.
"We should go, I will bring you to Bobby's. Sam and Dean are already there."
Elena took his outstretched hand and stood up with assistance.
"Do they know I'm coming?" she asked, but he didn't respond, and suddenly they were outside Bobby's house.
He took off his coat and put it on her shoulders. She shifted uncomfortably, having forgotten what it was like to have material sitting on her skin, but she pulled the coat closed and tightened the cinch.
"Are you coming inside?" she asked.
He stared at her, his face showing nothing.
"I need to attend to other matters for now."
Elena bit her lip, startled that her body responded to her distress that way so quickly, as if she was picking up right where she had left.
"What about Ava? You said that you found her, where—"
Castiel cut her off again.
"They will explain."
With that, he was gone. Elena took in and let out a shaky breath. She turned to go into the house, excited but at the same time hesitant. She had left them all without any warning, her letters to each of them her only communication about the departure. She closed her eyes and took a deep, slow, steady breath in and let it out again slowly, then walked inside.
"—from this whole thing, I mean, I don't even know if—"
She heard Dean talking from the kitchen as she walked in, and when he saw her, he stopped, jaw dropped open in shock.
"Elena," she heard Sam whisper as he stood from his seat at the table.
Bobby had been leaning on the counter holding a cup of coffee, which he subsequently dropped on the floor at the sight of her. She swallowed nervously, looking at the three of them uneasily, unsure of what to do or say.
"Hello," she said.
Sam looked furious for a moment, then looked to Dean, who looked surprised but shrugged.
"Hello?" Sam asked her incredulously.
Elena shifted uncomfortably.
"Y—yes," she said, hesitating a little.
He stared at her in disbelief.
"Hello?" he mimicked her greeting. "Hello," he said again, scoffing.
Elena wasn't sure what to do. She glanced at Dean, who just raised his eyebrows. Before Sam could continue, Bobby crossed the kitchen in what seemed like one stride and grabbed her in a tight hug. Elena would have returned the hug, but he had her arms pinned to her sides, so she just stood there awkwardly as he gripped her. After a minute, he pulled back, both his hands on her arms still.
"I can't believe it," he said, and she saw tears in his eyes.
She felt her eyes pricking in response to seeing him so emotional.
"I—I'm so sorry," she whispered, then began to sob.
She put her hands around his neck and pushed her body against his, crying out only a fraction of the pain she had felt since Ava's birth. Bobby held her as she cried, rubbing her back slowly.
"It's okay, Elena, it's okay. God, it's so good to see you again, girl," he said.
After a while, she regained her composure and pulled herself off him.
"I've missed you," she told him honestly.
He nodded in response, unable to respond as he made faces to try and keep from crying.
"I've missed all of you," she said hesitantly, looking over Bobby's shoulder to Sam and Dean.
Sam dropped his head down, fighting his emotions as well. Dean stood up and came around the table to her as Bobby stepped away.
"But that's not why you're back, is it," he said pointedly to her.
Sam looked up at Dean in surprise and Bobby glanced uneasily at him. Dean grimaced at them.
"C'mon, you guys. You know it as much as I do. Sam, you sounded pissed just a few minutes ago. Then she cries and it's what, all is friggin' forgiven?"
Elena bit her lip and lowered her head.
"It's okay. I ran away and it was...wrong. And you're right, Dean, I wouldn't have come back if it weren't for Ava. That doesn't mean it wasn't wrong to continue to stay away."
Dean narrowed his eyes at her.
"Wrong? Try inexcusable. We were all hurting, Elena. We were all devastated about what happened. But you left us behind like we meant nothing, like Cas meant nothing. Family doesn't do that. You don't abandon your family."
Elena nodded slightly, head still lowered.
"I'm so sorry," she said again. "I don't know what else I can say. You're right. I just curled up inside myself and instead of reaching out to any of you, I pushed you all away, and then I ran away. I knew it was wrong and I couldn't stop myself. I just wanted to get away from the pain, and I hurt you all so much," she said. "You deserved so much more than that, and I am so sorry."
Dean remained silent, staring at her as he thought. After what felt like forever, she saw his shoulders relax and his features soften.
"Bobby's right," he said finally. "It is good to see you."
He pulled her in for a hug, and she hugged him back tightly. Sam came around the table and was next to hug her when Dean finally stepped away.
"I'm sorry you felt like you had to run away," Sam said as he held her tightly. "I wish I could've done something differently to let you know you had other options."
Elena shook her head against him.
"It's not your fault at all," she insisted. "It was all my own doing. You all tried so hard, and I just shut down."
Bobby was picking up pieces of his now-broken mug and blotting up the mess from the spilled coffee. Sam released her and she looked around at all of them.
"How long was I gone for?" she asked.
Sam looked confused, and she saw Dean and Bobby exchange glances.
"Cas didn't tell you?" he asked, surprise showing on her face when she shook her head. "Uh, well, it's been about...a year and a half, I think. Maybe a little more. Ava was born what, May 13th? You left a few months later, and it's April now, so nineteen months I guess."
Elena gasped in surprise.
"I had no idea it had been so long," she said. "When I got back, everything human that I had been just...kind of fell away, piece by piece. Time was one of those things that went away. A lot of the pain did, too, but not the regret. I carried that with me every day."
Elena sat down at the table, and Sam and Dean took their seats again. Bobby got himself a new cup of coffee and joined them at the table.
"Castiel didn't really tell me much of anything," she said. "He told me he found Ava, and I came back with him. Then he told me he had to go and left me out front. He looks…" she trailed off, unsure of how to describe it.
"He hasn't been the same," Dean said. "I don't know what was going down with you two before you left, but I know he had been off before that. I thought it was just with Ava being missing, but Bobby said things were really bad between you two."
Elena dropped her eyes down to the table, but she could still feel Dean's steady gaze on her. She bit her lip hard, trying not to cry, but it wasn't working. When she looked up at him again, she couldn't hide the guilt on her face.
"Oh, no, tell me you didn't," he said slowly, clearly not wanting to believe what he was thinking.
Bobby and Sam exchanged looks of confusion.
"What is he talking about, Elena?" Bobby asked her gently.
She was so ashamed of herself she just hung her head and continued crying.
"Dammit, I told you that was the one thing you could never say to him! Well, it all makes a lot more friggin' sense now. You broke him. You ruined him, Elena, and I don't know if you even realize the damage you've done."
Dean's gaze was cold again. Bobby looked to Dean, waiting for an explanation.
"Well, since she's not gonna say it, I will. She blamed him. She wanted him to let her die and go after Ava instead. She was mad at him for not leaving her to bleed out. And I told her to never say that again, especially to him, because he would believe her. He would believe it was his fault, that he had done something wrong and that's why Ava was gone. Son of a bitch!"
Dean slammed his fist down on the table and got up, leaving the room. Bobby looked at her in disbelief.
"Tell me you didn't," he said. "Tell me Dean's got it wrong."
Elena was breathing shakily but had stopped crying. She kept her head lowered.
"He's not wrong," she said softly. "I was horrible to him. For months. And then finally one day I just...I said it, and he asked me what I wanted. I said I wanted to go home, and he left. When he came back that night, he said he could send me back. That's the night I left."
Bobby sat back in his chair, dumbfounded.
"Oh, my God," Sam said quietly. "Do you—you don't even know what that did to him, Elena. Dean's right. He is broken. He has been on a killing spree since you left, sparing nothing and no one trying to get answers. He's killed demons, angels, and everything in between. And he doesn't care. It's like, he's just shut off from it, robotic almost. There's no joy or pleasure or regret or sadness, just nothing there. He's worse than me when my soul was missing. It's scary. He won't talk to us most of the time, he almost never comes if we call for him, and I mean, you've seen the guy, right? It would take almost nothing for him to just clean himself up, but he just doesn't care. I can't believe you did that to him. And then you left."
Sam shook his head in disgust, pushed his chair away from the table and got up and left the room. Elena swallowed hard, expecting Bobby to wring her out next. When she looked up at him, he just looked sadly at her and shook his head.
"I'm just disappointed," he told her. "And honestly impressed, but not in a good way. Most people aren't that capable of being so cruel, and you were barely a year old as a human and managed to do that."
Elena looked down, silent.
"You know, they're right about Cas," he said finally. "I never was too comfortable around him until you came along. I mean, we'd been in all sorts of sticky situations together before, and he'd saved our asses plenty of times, but still. The boys would see him a lot more than me, but our conversations were always limited, our interactions short. And he was awkward as hell," he said, shaking his head a little. "Then you come along and just like that—he's different. It's like you made him more human. Never much saw him smile before you. Then it was like he was walkin' around all the time with a doofy look on his face and that smile."
Elena felt herself smiling a little thinking about Castiel's smile.
"I remember this one time we had a conversation, Castiel and me. He told me he felt like he needed you more than you needed him. You were pregnant with Ava at the time, but it was still early on with things. I think it was around when you had the visions. Anyway, I told him that you loved him, and he had to know that. And that no matter what, as long as you loved him, and he loved you, nothing could get in the way of you two being together."
Elena didn't know what to say, but Bobby continued.
"I gotta wonder, do you?"
She looked at Bobby, unsure of what he meant.
"Do you love him?"
Elena thought back to everything she had been through with him, and the way she felt when she saw him again after over a year alone. The way she had felt about him when he brought her back, how much pain she held for how poorly she treated him.
"Yes," she said finally. "I know it doesn't seem like it, the way I acted at the end and the things I said. But I love him," she told Bobby, meeting his gaze.
Bobby raised an eyebrow.
"Then I guess you better find a way to fix it."
Elena shook her head.
"I don't deserve to fix it," she said. "I was so awful to him. I shouldn't be able to end up happily after all with him."
Bobby crossed his arms.
"Yeah, you were awful to him. But it ain't just about you because newsflash: you're not the center of the universe. What does he deserve? What does your daughter deserve? You think he deserves to keep goin' around thinkin' that you can't stand him and that it's all his fault?"
Elena hesitated.
"I wouldn't even know where to start," she said, and Bobby shrugged.
"Hey, I don't have all of your answers. I'm just tellin' you the questions you need to be askin' yourself."
"Does he actually have a lead on Ava?" she asked, suddenly nervous about why he brought her back.
Bobby looked surprised at the question.
"'Course he does," he told her. "As much as he's changed, he wouldn't do somethin' so cruel to you and tell you that. Now, I don't know much, other than he told Sam and Dean to haul ass here before he went and got you, I guess. He's been pretty out of touch with us all, like Sam said."
Elena shifted in her seat and remembered she was wearing only his coat.
"Has he come to visit you at all?"
"Not exactly. I saw him in your room a couple of times after you left but anytime I tried to talk to him he up and disappeared. You know how he likes to do that," Bobby complained, rolling his eyes. "Pain in the ass. I wish I could just up and fly out of conversations whenever I wanted to."
Elena smiled a little.
"Is everything still there? All of...all of my stuff, like clothes?" she asked tentatively.
Bobby nodded and sighed.
"Yeah. I suppose I couldn't quite bring myself to get rid of nothin', on the off-chance you made it back someday."
Elena looked at him sadly.
"Thank you, Bobby. I guess Castiel isn't the only one I need to fix things with," she said, looking in the direction Sam and Dean had stormed off in.
Bobby raised his eyebrows and shook his head.
"Yeah, those two are gonna be tough. Cas is like their brother, you know, especially to Dean. Neither of 'em are gonna be quick to forgive you for hurtin' him."
"Has he really been as bad as Sam said?" she asked, still not believing it.
"Yeah, Sam was right. Cas has been scary. I'm glad that he's on our side, at least for now. Or at least, he's not against us. I hate to say I'm glad he's not around as much, but...well, I kinda like not havin' to worry that he's just gonna show up and stab me or somethin'. Because that's the vibe he's been givin' off for a while now. He's just...out there, slicin' and dicin' without impunity."
Elena felt heavy from the weight of her actions sinking in, and how much they had damaged the people she loved, the angel she loved.
"I didn't know," she said. "If it's okay, can I stay here?"
"Of course."
"Thanks, Bobby. I think I'm going to get dressed and go for a walk, I think."
"We'll go get you if he comes back before you do," Bobby assured her, standing up as she did and giving her another hug.
"I'm not sayin' everythin' is gonna be okay," he told her, "But you're back now, and that's a place to start."