I Own Nothing
AN: Takes place the night/morning when TK goes to his dad's house after Owen's arrested.
Summary: TK's having a hard time dealing with his dad being arrested, feeling alone, and some other news that he was given that morning.
Title: Forgive Yourself
It was two in the morning, but he still couldn't shut the world out and fall asleep. TK had tried everything besides the one thing he used to do in times when he felt lost and overwhelmed. He'd walked around the block twice with Buttercup, but the third time he'd went out the dog had refused to budge. He didn't blame him, so he'd left him inside and walked a couple times back and forth on the sidewalk. He was stressed out because with every thing that was going on right now the last thing he had expected was what the doctor told him even before he got to work that morning. He'd added that to the growing thoughts he was dealing with.
He closed his eyes wondering if he could walk without seeing where he was going tonight. He knew the street, he'd lived on it for a year. He just wasn't sure if his mind was focused enough. He made it up the sidewalk, but on his way back down he crashed into something or rather someone. It felt like a wall of muscle at least he hoped it wasn't a wall. He didn't remember turning the wrong direction. Though he'd done it once when he'd tried this. When he opened his eyes he was looking thankfully not at a wall. Though he did think his boyfriend was a solid wall of muscle. He loved that about Carlos, but he wasn't just that he was loving, caring, and standing in front of him. After the fight they had he hadn't thought he'd see him. He'd thought he ruined everything, he honestly felt like his world was crashing around him.
What exactly was he supposed to say to the person he'd picked a fight with just cause he was in firing range? Sorry didn't feel like the right word even if he was. He'd panicked after Carlos left earlier the day before. He'd lost it and his left hand still slightly hurt from punching the fire truck. Dumb move, but at least Judd stopped him from doing it a second time. Instead he'd gotten him out of there. They'd gone to the bunk room and just sat there until he wasn't freaking out anymore. All he'd wanted to do was curl up against Carlos and hope this was a nightmare. He was torn up inside right now too on what to do. His dad was in jail because of his boyfriend's dad. It sucked so much right now and wishing it away wasn't helping him.
He'd seen the look in Carlos' eyes when he'd told him to leave him alone. He'd hurt him just as much with those words as pushing him away. He'd always sworn to his self he wouldn't do it. He'd never do it again rather because the one fight they had over Carlos' parents was bad enough. This was worse though and he was feeling like he was drowning inside. He was trying to stop his self from crying again, but the damn tears refused to listen. He had to make it right between them. Mateo had asked him if maybe Carlos had been trying to soften the blow by telling him? Some how trying to protect him from his self or getting in trouble if it had been another cop that he'd gone after. He'd never thought about it, but it was possible and he'd lashed out instead of hearing him out.
It felt like hours he'd been standing there trying to think of something, but it had only been a few minutes. TK moved closing the last few inches that he'd backed up when colliding with Carlos. He met his eyes trying to say everything without the actual words. He wanted to touch him, but didn't think he had that right now. He needed some kind of sign before he had any right to touch the man he loved with everything in his heart and soul. It was why it hurt so much when he'd checked on the story. With all the hell that was his life right now he'd been the one person he thought could keep him grounded. He was trying to ask without saying the words since he didn't think they would come if he opened his mouth. He was trying to will everything he was feeling into his eyes hoping he would be understood.
~TKC CTK~
Carlos hadn't been able to sleep so he'd taken a drive which lead him to here. He'd planned on just seeing if TK was okay, not letting him see him, but checking on him. He had the key to Owen's house that TK gave him months ago. He'd just needed to know that he was okay and not at the breaking point. He'd seen the storm brewing and he shouldn't have pushed so hard that morning. He shouldn't had said he'd checked on the story. He'd just wanted to protect TK and prepare him in case. Right now though he saw that the man he loved wasn't okay in the slightest. He could see the look in his eyes that was more of a hurricane of emotions. He hadn't seen TK look like this, not even the year before when he let him go at the station.
He hadn't known TK was walking with his eyes closed with his earbuds in. He'd thought he saw him walk up, but he'd walked into him. Now he could tell that TK was fighting with his self on reaching out or not. It made his heart break that TK didn't know if he could touch him. It had shocked the hell out of him when TK had started shoving him, but he'd let him knowing he was better target than someone else. He refused to let TK hurt his self though so he'd finally held onto him hoping it would calm him down so he wouldn't do anything worse to them.
Carlos reached out taking hold of TK's face cupping it. He wiped the tears away before pulling him in. He wrapped his arms around him not like he had the day before, but this time he was holding him to keep him standing. He felt TK's body go slack against him, felt his arms wrap around him holding on. He kept holding onto him letting him let the emotions out and he felt his own too.
"I love you, baby. I always got your back. I never meant to let you doubt it. I just wanted to protect you. I don't know how to make it better with them having him. I even tried to see him, asked my dad why, pleaded with him to give me five minutes so you could see him. He wouldn't budge. I'm sorry, but never doubt I got your back." Carlos said against TK's ear holding him as tight as he dared. "I forgive you, so please forgive yourself. I know you and it's eating you up right now. It hurt like hell I couldn't fix this for you, but I promise you that I'm not hurt physically. I love you, let it go baby. Just forgive yourself. None of it's your fault. Whatever is going on you didn't cause it by moving out and in with me. You weren't lashing out at me, it was your dad you wanted to scream at. My dad too. You wanted the one person that could make sense of this and he wasn't there." He kept his hand moving over TK's back talking to him too.
He had known the second that TK went off who he was really aiming at. He'd taken the heat before he'd stopped TK from doing something he'd regret more than he clearly already was. He kissed his neck whispering he loved him not letting go of him. He didn't care how long they needed to stand here because he'd do it if it meant TK could forgive his self. He hated what was happening because he couldn't fix this. He couldn't make it go away like it was a bad dream. All he could do was be a supportive boyfriend, which was killing him. He wanted to do more and he'd tried when he went to the station to see his dad.
~TKC CTK~
TK took in a shaky breath once he got his self mostly under control. He hadn't even realized it, but he knew Carlos was right. He'd been aiming for someone else when he'd lashed out. He'd wanted to scream at his dad or Gabriel. He wanted to take someone apart for even thinking this was true. He wanted to ask his dad why because when the day kept going and he got no answers it felt worse and worse. When he'd been denied access to his dad at the station it's when it had become real. It wasn't some bad dream he was waking up from. It was a nightmare and it was like he'd lost his dad. He'd been scared for the last year that something would happen and he'd be gone. This time it felt real, like he'd finally lost his dad and nothing could put him back together if that was what happened.
"I wanted to ask him why and see his face. I always know if I'm having a bad dream. My dad has a tell. I wanted to look him in the eyes when I asked him why he didn't tell me. I wanted him to know he had to fight harder to get them to believe him so his grandchild wouldn't be without him too." TK said looking up hoping that Carlos got what he was saying. "I planned on telling you yesterday. Then... I was terrified I lost you. I couldn't deal if I lost you too."
"I'm not going anywhere. I'll say it a million times if I have to for you to get it in your head. I'm not leaving you. It wasn't our greatest moment, but I promise you we're in this together. I know you would have told me. I know this is a mess right now, but come home with me. I don't think either one of us is going to sleep if we don't do it together." Carlos said giving TK a smile because he was really happy right now. "We'll figure all of this out even if we have to call your mom." He added.
"I did, she just didn't answer the phone either time." TK sighed. "She was the first call I made after I was okay again to make a call." He didn't know why she hadn't answered, it was annoying too.
"We'll try again tomorrow. Let's just go home and sleep. I love you and the bed and house is hollow without you." Carlos said. "Just want hold you two the rest of the night."
"I just need to leave a note for Mateo. Make sure Buttercup's okay. If Mateo wasn't here I'd bring him home with us." TK said before letting Carlos lead the way back to the house. Though it was more like they were walking side by side til they got to the door. They'd some how deal with this. He didn't feel like the entire world was going to swallow him alive now.
~THE END~