39-AND-A-HALF FOOT POLE, s Star Wars Story

by StarWarsTheBongSaga

In this next story, a new evil is unleashed, tibbies get bibbied, and poop gets clapped.

You are Dakteam. You are the heroic warrior son of the Hulk that has the genetic makeup of hundreds of species and deities that one year ago saved the world from the evil Grinch who was trying to destroy the very concept of joy itself. At this current time you're simply visiting an old friend of yours, the Angry Video Game Nerd after going on a quest to figure out if all that stuff about you being a genetic freakshow was true.

The Nerd is not exactly what you expected. He's got those big round glasses, but he doesn't look like some sort of nerdy nerd with too much free time.
You look a little puzzled but then you realize something "Hey Nerd, nice beard."
"Yeah, I'm sorry for my smell. It gets everywhere," he says.
"No problem, it's not like we have any women around here anyway.
You then look at the couch behind him. "Mind if I have a seat?"
"Sure, be my guest. So how's the quest going? Did you figure out if your parents lied to you or not?
A random motherfucker walks up to you. "Hello. I am fluent in the language of love. I can tell you whatever you want to know, for the right price, while you play through the game."
"How much?
"How much do you have?"
You look puzzled. "What?" You ask.
"Do you have anything that you would be willing to give me in exchange for the information I seek?"
You look around and you don't see any valuables lying around, no shit. "No."
"Maybe a little... sucky-sucky?"
You laugh. "Is that code for drugs?"
"Hah! No, but I do have an offer for you."
"An offer?
You frown. "If it's toe-suck then fuck off."
"Suck my dick, yo."
You look around again. Your quest-motivation is low, so walking away would be easy, but you still don't know what the fuck this guy wants.
"Well?"
You sigh.
You look around and you see the Nerd is in the middle of re-cording something with his Gameboy "Yeah, fuck off."
"Alright, alright, gimme a second."
You feel yourself shudder. "Wait, what's that game you're playing Nerd?" You ask.
"Super Metroid."
"What is it with you and this one game?" You complain.
"I wanna tickle those balls, Daktraem"- Suddenly, the creepy bastard is punched in the face by a random fist.
"What the fuck!?" He yells. "Metroid's Samus Aran didn't use her guns on the fucking Chozo, she used her bare hands!"
The man grunts and hits you back.
The mad puncher has arrived!
You: "Hey! Watch it, that's assault!"
"Assault? Metroid fucked you! I'm doing you a favor, dickhead!"
Suddenly, an alarm begins ringing throughout the building.
You immediately pull out your guns.
"What are you doing!?" The opponent yells.
"Shut up and fight, asshole!"
The two of you begin to fight, though you notice he's not using his gun.
You shoot this foe to death.
"Hah! No guns, eh?" He says, falling to his knees.
You then walk over to him and rip his spine out through his asshole.
"Hey! That hurt!" He yells.
"Sorry, but you died from that gunshot wound."
You look around and see the source of the alarm. It's a large group of armored men with guns.
You turn to the Nerd. "We gotta go!"
You begin to make your way out the building using the back-alleys.
The mad puncher is dead... until his skeleton pops out and puts up its dooks (dukes? How do you spell this?) to block your way.
"I hate you!" It howls at you. "You killed my friend!"
You put your gun barrel in the skeleton's skull. "Shut up or I'll blow your brains out!"
You grab the skeleton. "Did you send these men?!"
"No! I swear!" The skeleton sobs.
You take a moment to pry your gun barrel out of the skull. "Get out of my way."
You look at him angrily. "Then who sent them?"
"The Boss! He's behind it all! He sent them here to wipe us out, but I snuck out of the fortress before it collapsed! I'm glad I caught you, we can team up!"
"I'm a skeleton, 🅱i🅱🅱🅰. I don't have brains!"
"Skele-ponize me!"
You roll your eyes. "Ponify you? I've seen the way you walk. You'd fall and break your damn bones again!
You look up. "The Boss? Wait a second... the Third Street Saints are after us?"
"I did not write that, I swear!"
"No! It's the Boss' second-in-command, and the new leader of the Wolves!"
"So wait, why are they after us?
"The newspaper then."
"Ah, yes. It was just a rumor, there's no truth to it!"
You frown.
You ask "Who the fuck are the wolves?"
"We're the last bastion of free thought, and lovers! We welcome all who seek freedom!"
"No, we don't.
"We also plunder booty!"
"Bullshit!"
"We're art aficionados too! We have a whole section of our hideout dedicated to masterpieces!"
"No, we don't.
You shake your head. "You better start making sense because I right now am running out of patience."
The skeleton smiles. "We are an underground resistance to code 203, better known as 'Control'. We believe that independent thought is to be embraced, not outlawed."
You raise an eyebrow. "What's that?"
You turn to the Nerd. "It's alright, I know these guys."
The skeleton's eyes widen and he gulps. "You're that asshole who leaked the copyrighted Yag 'Structure of H-Bombs' design a few weeks ago?"
Your face darkens.
"Daktraem! We're in a simulation!" A voice says from somewhere unknown. "Get the nerd and get out of here! I'll help you!"
You shake your head. "Wait who is saying what now?"
You look at the two of them.
The skeleton continues "I said get the nerd and get out!"
You turn to the group of soldiers.
You nod and grab the Nerd's hand. "Come on man, we have to go."
The soldier nods. "Don't worry, we'll pick up the body."
You nod in return and begin running, with the soldiers close behind you.
"No, I did." You look up to see someone wearing a bullet-proof vest and a helmet made out of adamantium. Hilda has arrived.
"H-hey." You stutter awkwardly.
"Don't worry, they'll be dead soon, but we need to talk."
"We do?"
She nods. "About that."
You look confused. "I don't follow? Out with it."
She sighs, as if this is very tiring to her. "You know that "gift" I gave you?"
"The one that let me talk to ghosts?
You realize how stupid that sounded. "Oh you mean that gun made out of a Super Scope and a toaster."
She nods. "I'm sorry about that, I forgot that even with the memories, you're still pretty dumb."
"Hey what gives you the right?"
She rolls her eyes.
"The Grinch's ghost has been absorbed by the Doctor- not Doctor Who, the OTHER Doctor. Doctor Ivo."
"Wait, who's Doctor Ivo?"
"He's a psychic, a bit of an asshole, and he's on our side."
You sigh in disbelief. "A psyker.
You shake your head. "Wait Doctor Ivo? You mean the Sonic villain?"
"No, the other one."
You shake your head. "I don't know what kind of game you're playing but-"
"Wait, the OTHER one? The one from Real Ghostbusters?
"Doctor Ivo Robotnik."
She looks confused. "Wait, the absolute dullest character in the Street Fighter series?"
"No, he's-"
She holds up her hand. "I meant the original one."
You feel the Nerd slap you in the face.
"You had sex with the original?" He asks in a shocked voice. "But he's a pedophile!"
Hilda glares at you. "Stop being such a child.
You turn to the Nerd and ask "I'm sorry but what the fuck?"
He sighs heavily. "I swear on all that's good and holy, did you not watch any of the old Street Fighter games?"
"No, I told you I didn't.
"I... I didn't fuck anyone!" The Nerd says, raising his voice with each letter. "I fucked... Zangief!"
You look at him confused. "The Russian footballer? He's fat and old."
You sigh. "Doctor Ivo Robotnik is from Sonic the Hedgehog."
The Nerd nods. "Yes, and he's a rapist!"
You shake your head in disbelief. "This is some type of joke, right?
"... Actually, that was supposed to be my dialogue, but whatever the fuck." Hilda says, shrugging. "Look, I'll explain it all when we get out of here. For now, follow me."
"Apparently, the Nerd fucked Zangief." She shrugs.
You turn to Hilda. "Alright but just want to let you know now that I'm gonna be quite irritable since you know, I dealt with the Grinch shit."
"Alright then, who else?" You ask, confused.
She paces in a small circle in front of you. "The Black Penguins, two of them."
You raise an eyebrow.
You nod in return and begin running again, with Hilda not too far behind you.
You look behind you. "We have penguin friends, this is just marvelous."
"Yes, they're pretty awesome." Hilda says.
"Where are they?"
"Away to your left."
You turn to look when suddenly, a rock hits you in the head.
"Wait, I'm the one who knows de wae out of this place." Hilda says. "Why am I following you. Shouldn't you be following me?"
"Shut up!" You say, as you try not to fall over.
"Shouldn't you be following me?" She asks again, with a slightly annoyed tone.
"Fine!" You shout.
You look up. "Who the fu-wait, is that a goddamn robot chicken?"
The two of you stand next to a robot with a large camera on top. You don't know much about robots, but this one almost looks like the ones you saw during your trip to the future.
You look on with eyes squinted. "Wait, that ain't just any robot chicken. That's Scratch!"
"Scratch?" Hilda says, looking at it as well. "I've heard that name before."
"You have?! Then you have to know that this is the greatest member of the Black Penguin Society!"
Suddenly, a loud "PINGAS" roars out through the simulation.
"Dr. Ivo Robotnik is here!" Hilda shouts.
You quickly dash behind a rock, while Hilda hides in a better location.
"Well, this is perfect." You whisper to yourself.
You look to the Nerd. "Wait are you still playing that Game Boy game?" You whisper.
He nods.
"Good, play that fucking game."
The game starts.
"What the fuck are you doing?" He asks.
You roll your eyes. "I'm trying not to die and think right now is a highly inappropriate time to play a video game."
Hilda pulls out an EMP rifle from her backpack. She charges it and fires upon Scratch. The blow only jacks up his PINGASmeter to 1000.
"Ah, shit." Hilda grumbles.

He nods and starts pushing buttons.
You wait patiently and eventually you hear some footsteps. Dr. Ivo walks around the corner. You slowly come out of your position and watch him pace a the nerd has a problem with this. "Hilda, you can't just EMP a robot! That'll cause the entire building to shut down!"
"We don't have much options left!" You shout.
You turn to look at Robotnik. "Oh so by Robotnik Hilda, you meant THAT Robotnik."
"Shut up!" Hilda spits.
"Now, my darling automatons, Scratch and Grounder, what are you two doing out here?"
The nerd's eyes widen.
"Oh, fuck." Hilda says. "Everyone, run."
You all start running, leaving Hilda behind.
"You can't trust this woman." The nerd says.
You ignore him and continue to run. Suddenly, you feel a shove and fall to the ground.
You run back for Hilda. "Hilda!"
A large, metal claw grabs her.
"I'm sorry about this, ma'am." Dr. Icho says as he drops her body.
You throw a Ki blast at Robotnik's dick. It explodes spectacularly. Robo grunts in pain and brings his claw up to block the next ones you send his way.
Unfortunately, he's pushing you back with his other arm.
Hilda tases the metal claw, making it let go. You quickly use the opening to hit him again.
"Not so tough now are you?"
Robo yelps in pain but doesn't let you attack again.
You curse. "Shit."
"I'm going to enjoy bringing you to the end of the line."
You push away from him and start running. "Don't let him corner you!" You hear Dr. Ivo shout.
You turn to Hilda. "Should we run now?"
She nods at you. You nod back and the three of you take off running. After a few turns, you hear him give chase. The three of you enter the door to the room you were just in.
You look baffled. "Wait why did we run back to the Nerd's house?"
"I had a feeling he would be able to access the intercom system." Hilda explains.
You sigh and continue.
You look at the Nerd. "You have an intercom system? Did you know you had an intercom system?"
He looks away.
You shake your head. "What the fuck man? First you fake a college education and then you have an intercom system?"
"What are you bitching about?"
Hilda opens up a panel on the Nerd's couch and hotwires it. The lights in the house begin to dim.
"What the-?" The Nerd asks, before Hilda sends a EMP bolt into the console, shutting him up.
"I've hacked your console. Now we can get supplies." Hilda says.
"I'm going to regret this, but..." The Nerd says, reaching for the T.V. remote.
You look around confused. "Okay can someone please explain what's going on?"
The Nerd presses a button and the T.V. is on with a news channel.
You look at the T.V. with disgust. "Fox News? Ech..." You grab the remote and turn it off. "I saved you some brain cells, you stay the fuck off the TV."
Hilda smiles. "Good call."
Hilda sits on the couch. "The Nerd has a secret arsenal of weapons inside of his house."
You look at the Nerd. "You have weapons in your living room?"
He remains silent.
"You have any knowledge of a..." You pause, looking for the right word. "A biker gang?"
You look puzzled. "I know gangs but biker gangs? You have to be a bit more specific Hilda."
She shrugs. "I dunno, the right name, it might apply."
The Nerd makes a pained expression.
"What do you mean?" You ask, confused.
"The Black Wolves."
"You asked that, not me." Hilda points out.
"I know. Sorry. But, I do have some knowledge of them and their activities in these parts."
The Nerd begins to explain.
"The Black Wolves were almost like a gang, but not quite. they had a set region they ruled and everything else was fair game."
The Nerd pauses to see how you'll take it.
You look at the Nerd. "Okay you're a guy who plays shitty games, how do you know about... you know what I'm not gonna bother asking."
"I watch a lot of crime shows."
"Ah. Well that explains a lot then." You turn to Hilda. "You should really stop his game addiction, it's only getting worse."
"I'm not his mother." Hilda shrugs.
"They were a gang, but not like the others. They didn't want to control everything and their goal was more about fun than anything else." The Nerd continues.
You cross your arms. "Like what kind of fun?"
"Like... who could punch you in the face while riding a motorcycle for example."
You look at the Nerd. "You're shitting me right?"
The Nerd shakes his head seriously. "No."
You look at him. "Because look after the Grinch bullshit and seeing a living YouTube Poop, I'm kind of ready to hear anything."
"This story makes no sense." Hilda points out.
"I didn't make that up!" He says, insulted.
"Yeah, but your story makes little to no sense! How can a gang have a set region they rule when they're a bunch of idiots on bikes that don't even know how to ride in traffic?"
You look at Hilda. "Hey you're the one who started talks about biker gangs so let's let the Nerd finish."
She shrugs, allowing him to continue his story.
While you are arguing with the Nerd, Hilda is building a mech suit in the background. "The Black Wolves were a little more than idiots on bikes." He says in an annoyed tone.
You look at him. "What did they do exactly?"
"They had a leader, I think his name was..." The Nerd pauses once more to remember. "Crow."
"What!?" You interrupt.
You feel your eyes widening. "Cro-Oh no..."
Hilda continues working on her mech suit.
"Yeah, that was it." The Nerdo says.
"Vic?" Hilda says, extra pissed. "Vic Mignogna?"
"Who's he?" The Nerd asks.
"The second in command of the Black Wolves."
"Also a rapist." You add. You remember back during your teenage years, he would often pass through the local town of Brightton on his way to and from his parents house.
You put one hand on his shoulder. "Dude, Crow is an alias for Vic Mignogna."
The Nerd looks confused. "Who's Vic Mignogna?"
You look him dead in the eyes. "Have you watched an anime before?"
"No."
You explain the basics of Vic, how he was the lead singer of a group called 'Cool Devices' and later on became the leader of a gang called the 'Black Wolves'.
You finish your story. "And that's how one anime voice actor ruined his career and turned to a life of crime."
The Nerd doesn't know what to say, so he stays quiet.
Hilda isn't as quiet, she begins yelling.
"Fucking VIC MIGNOGNA! FUCKING FUCK ASS!" Hilda shouts!
"Will you calm down!?" You shout back.
"I can't! I got news about that fucker!" Hilda says, finally putting on her helmet before starting to power up the suit.
You raise an eyebrow. "What kind of news?"
"I found his hideout!" Hilda says excitedly. "It's in some abandoned warehouse by the docks!"
"So wait, where is it?"
You keep looking at her. "That's clearly not what you were gonna talk about."
She sighs. "Fine, it's in an area that's blocked by some sort of magic barrier. I can't get in."
"Did you at least get a good look at it?"
Hilda rubs her forehead. "No, it wasn't. Something is clearly influencing my responses." She seems to have a headache of some kind.
"There has to be a way in." You say.
"I know! The magic barrier doesn't completely cover the area, I can probably tunnel my way in or something."
You look at the Nerd. "How are you gonna tunnel your way in?"
"I don't know, but it's worth a shot."
You turn to Hilda. "Can you get rid of the barrier?
"Good women follow"- Hilda stops herself. "I-... what?"
The Nerd shrugs. "It's a quote from Matti."
She slumps down in her seat. "I don't know where that came from. I'm not a good woman."
You look dumbfounded and then come to a realization. "Wait, Vic fucked someone didn't he."
Hilda's response is to give you a dirty look.
"Sorry, I forgot you didn't want to talk about that." You say.
She shakes her head and rolls her eyes.
You feel your eyes widening with shock over what's going on. This is all your fault after all. "I-I'm sorry Hilda."
She stares at you with a blank expression.
"I-"
"Will you be quiet for a minute and just LISTEN!"
"DO you know a surgeon? I can sense something wrong with me." Hilda says.
"No, I don't."
"Damn, that was a dumb question then."
You give up and stop talking.
You realize something. "Wait, my father was Bruce Banner. I-I think I can do this surgery."
Hilda and the Nerd look at each other, then look at you.
"Are you sure?" Hilda asks.
"I'm positive."
"Alright then, I'll get Eliza to-"
You look at Hilda. "Trust me, I can do this."
"... Like fuck I'm letting you operate on me!"
You look at Hilda. "Okay is now really the time for an argument? I'm the best chance you've got right now."
"I can't believe this, the nerve of this-"
"Will you two just shut up and let me think!" You shout.
You stop yourself mid-rant.
You look around the room. "Is anyone else here a trained surgeon?"
You watch as Drunk Spider-Man falls off the ceiling unconscious. "Well that's... perfect."
You explain your idea to Hilda, who's still hesitant about it.
"If you're sure..."
"I'm positive."
"Put me under." Hilda says.
"What?"
"I want to be put under! I'm not letting you poke and prod at my innards without being put under!"
You look at Nerd. "Do we uh... have any method of doing that?"
The Nerd shrugs. "I guess you could."
"Hm, maybe I should try to... reach out to Doctor Altmann..."
You shake your head. "Wait a second." You pull out anesthetic from your pocket. "This will help with the pain, justaldruggednomore."
"What's that?"
"Anesthetic. It'll make the surgery go a lot smoother." You hand her the bottle over.
"That's a shady-ass name for a drug." Hilda points out.
You nod. "I know."
"Wait, you've been doing illegal shit since you were thirteen?"
You chuckle at this. "Yeah I have."
"Wait, you can't tell anyone about this!"
You look at Hilda. "No worries, I stole this from a hospital, this should be good."
"... Are you sure is an anesthetic?"
"Trust me, I'm sure."
Hilda takes the bottle and pours some of the liquid onto her hands and rubs it all over her face.
She lays down, and goes into a deep, unconscious, meditative state. "Well, that counts for being 'put under', right?" You ask, looking towards the Nerd with uncertainty.
"Listen, I just play shitty games." He shrugs.
You take your t-shirt off and use it to lightly dab some anesthetic onto Hilda's nose.
You toss your shirt to the side. "Alright, it looks we're good to go so now um... Nerd?"
"What are you waiting for, fuckwad?" He asks.
You motion to her clothes. "Nerd I... need you to strip her for me."
He raises an eyebrow. "Now why the hell would I do that for you?"
"Because if we're going to do this, you need to get rid of those clothes fast and I need to start cutting."
You look the Nerd dead in the eyes. "Look this shit's weird enough as is and I'd rather not strip some random girl like a creeper even if it is for surgery so Nerd if you please?"
He sighs and slowly strips Hilda of her clothes piece by piece.
"Ah fuck, don't get too ahead of yourself there big fella." He chuckles.
You look at him dumbfounded. "Nerd... I'd rather not joke about shit like this."
You wait for the Nerd to be finished removing her clothes. He yeets them onto a table. "Fucking hell, she has like hundreds of clasps holding shit to her body! Undressing her is like undoing a fucking computer case!"
Eventually, the Nerd says, "I'm done."
"Good."
You then bend down with your scalpel at the ready. "Oh fuck I can't believe I'm doing this." You mutter.
"What?" The Nerd asks. "You're not going to slice open a girl, you know."
You look at the Nerd. "What you think this scalpel's just for show? Nerd, I have to cut her open and if that wasn't bad enough, where I'm gonna start cutting makes this so much more awkward."
"Where?" He asks.
You motion towards her crotch. "Um... okay look I'm just gonna be blunt. I'm cutting open a pussy."
"Ah." The Nerd's eyes widen. "That's the most direct way."
You shake your head.
You look back at the scalpel and move it closer. "God I can't believe I'm doing this." You say once again.
You hear a squeal, which you presume is Hilda, then a thud. You look back at her body to see her unconscious on the floor.
"H-Hey!"
You are afraid and then you realize what the sound was and look down at the broken table. "FUCK!" You yell.
"I told you not to get too ahead of yourself there, big fella." The nerd says, trying to look around you.
You turn your attention back to Hilda.
Hilda gets up, confused. "Eh?"
"You're awake!" You say, not really paying attention to what you're doing.
"Yeah..." She blinks a few times. "What happened?"
"I was about to operate on you."
You then look at the Nerd. "Until the table broke."
The Nerd shrugged. "Hey sorry my tables aren't fucking surgery-ready."
"Why are you even doing this?"
You look at Hilda. "Because again, I'm the best doctor you've got at the moment aside from..."
Suddenly Drunk Spider-Man shoves you to the side. "Who the fuck is this girl?!"
"A random woman." You say.
Drunk Spider-Man looks at her. "...and she's... pretty okay looking too."
Hilda looks confused. "Eh?"
You watch as the Nerd hits Drunk Spider-Man with a rolled up newspaper. "You fuckin' pervert piece of shit ass!"
"Well... how did you two come to meet?" Drunk Spider-Man asks.
You say this next sentence bluntly. "It's not like that at all. Don't even go there."
"I'm sorry, I was just curious..."
"Listen up asshole, you are not to lay a finger on her. Ever. Got it?"
You watch as Drunk Spider-Man tried to give a thumbs up before he immediately started vomiting through his mask.
Hilda stands up. She hasn't even noticed that she's naked yet.
"Why is it so cold in here?" She asks.
You look at the Nerd's AC. "Holy shit, why do you even need an AC to go that low?"
The Nerd shrugs. "Hotter than fuck outside, I want to keep cool."
You grab your clothes and dress. "Let's get out of here."
Hilda looks down. "Why am I indecent?" She asks, alarmed.
You look at the Nerd. "Grab her, we're going to an actual doctor."
Once you're clothed, you lead Hilda out of the house.
Drunk Spider-Man is sprawled out on the ground. The Nerd is nowhere to be found.
"...why are you so eager to go see a real doctor?"
You curse. "Fuck I forgot, the Nerd learned Instant Transmission. He has probably teleported his way to some doctor by now... and he did it without us."
"But we don't know who to go see!"
You sigh.
You look at Hilda. "Grab my hand, I'm gonna seek out his energy."
"What?"
"Just do it, we'll worry about how it works later."
Despite being naked, she puts on her bra and panties before grabbing your hand.
You focus and focus until you then find the Nerd and take yourself and Hilda to him through teleportation.
However, when you arrive you're in a crowded city street.
"Ah! Watch out!" A man yells as he fumbles with his pants, no doubt from the sight of Hilda's naked body.
Hilda is disturbed by this.
"Um, we should go." She says, but you're too focused on the Nerd to really pay attention.
You run ahead while Hilda turns back to her clothes.
You cuss. "FUCK! Why is Instant Transmission so difficult?!"
You scan the street and buildings for the Nerd, but you don't see him.
You cuss again. "Fuck, it will take forever to find him."
Suddenly, you hear footsteps behind you.
You turn around with your fists ready. "Who's there!?"
The figure that steps out of the shadows is tall and completely naked. "Hello."
You look up with horror. "Oh my dear lord."
The creature before you is nothing like what you thought the Nerd would look like. He's pale, hairless, and his eyes are completely white, like a corpse. It wears a long, flowing red silk robe.
Hilda is pissed. "I did not come here to be assaulted!"
The figure steps forward. "I know you didn't, my dear. I merely wished to study your reaction."
"What?"
You look at Hilda. "So Robotnik's making disgusting rapist clones or..."
The figure smiles. "Oh no. He wouldn't have the knowhow to do it. This gentleman is a doctor, not a lab rat."
You look at Hilda again.
You raise an eyebrow. "Seriously Hilds, I need an explanation."
"I was..." Hilda has difficulty saying this. "'Vic'ed by Vic Mignogna."
"... what?"
"Vic Mignogna."
You look her in the eyes. "You were... molested by that freak?"
"... yeah."
"By that Sociopath!"
The figure steps forward. "I'm not sure what that means, but if you're calling me a sociopath, I'm going to have to hurt you."
Hilda gets into a fighting stance. "Fuck you, asshole!" She grabs the figure and grinds their face against the concrete. The figure struggles.
"Hey!" The figure's voice sounds feminine. "I said -"
Hilda breaks the jaw of the figure with one punch and pushes them out of the way.
You move in with your own strikes and stomp the figure in the balls.
The figure let's out one long scream of pain and reaches down to stop you from breaking its neck. "Don't."
You keep your foot on the neck. "Why shouldn't I?"
"Because..." She holds up a hand as she begins to crawl away. "... I'm your sister!"
FUCK! You're not sure what to do. You take a knee and stare at her crawling form.
You look at the figure with a face full of rage and silently grab him by the neck and chokeslam him into a nearby hot dog stand.
The crowd of people watching you stare.
"He got me pregnant!" She yells at you in between breaths. "That's why you're here!"
"... what?"
She stops crawling and turns around.
Hilda removes an atom destroyer gun from her backpack.
You look at her with shock. "Where'd you get that?"
"Robo Bastards."
She begins unloading the gun on the figure, but fails to do any damage.
You grab the gun from her.
You look at the gun. "This is a fuckin' bootleg."
"Let go of my fucking gun!" She shouts.
"Wait, it's a bootleg?" She realizes.
You nod. "Yep."
The figure pulls itself together. "Listen, we need to get out of here."
"... alright."
The figure crawls over to you and Hilda and begins putting on pants and a shirt.
You kick the figure fifty feet away from you. "Get the fuck outta here."
Hilda looks at you. "Shouldn't we help him?"
Your look is livid.
"... alright fine." She throws her hands up in defeat.
You look at Hilda. "I ain't helping Vig Mictouchy." You say with contempt.
Hilda's goal is to help every living creature, shitty or paragon.
You then look forward. "Come on, we've gotta find the Nerd."
Hilda instant transmissions you to where the Nerd is. You see that it is a dark room. There's a desk piled high with junk and a single, pale, skinny man sitting in a chair in the middle of the room.
"Mr. Mignogna, please, forgive me. I helped the"- The Nerd noticed you; he doesn't look to be 'alive'; as though he's in a trance.
"Nerd?" You say, standing up. Your voice sounds echoey. "What the hell did Vic do to you?!"
You then realize with horror. "No, he didn't..." You walk forward, stepping on broken glass and burning metal. You kneel in front of the young man.
"Nerd, please..." You grab his shoulders. He's stone.
"Good men fuck bitches." He says.
"N-no! We'd helped save the city! We were going to protect you!"
"Protect me?" He laughs. "... from what?"
You immediately turn towards Hilda. "He must be under some sort of bio-chip influence."
"Shit, what do we do?" She says, getting into a fighting stance. "He's a walking tank."
In unison, the two of you yell at the man.
"HE'S GONNA TAKE YOU BACK TO THE PAST!"
You shout after this. "TO PLAY THE SHITTY GAMES THAT SUCK ASS!"
The Nerd looks at you blankly. "What?"
You keep going. "HE'D RATHER HAVE A BUFFALO..." You look to Hilda. She continues. "... TAKE A DIARRHEA DUMP IN HIS EAR! HE'D RATHER EAT... THE ROTTEN ASSHOLE... OF A ROADKILL SKUNK AND DOWN IT WITH BEER!"
You keep going. "HE'S THE ANGRIEST GAMER YOU'VE EVER HE-" The Nerd's fist slams into your dick. You begin to scream.
"WHAT?!" The Nerd roars.
You try to keep going despite the pain. "HE'S THE ANGRY NINTENDO NERD!"
"I AM NOT ANGRY!"
Hilda jumps into the conversation. "HE'S THE ANGRY ATARI/SEGA NERD!"
You finish it off. "HE'S THE ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD!"
The Nerd throws you to the side like a rag doll. You roll to the ground, barely conscious.
"I'M NOT ANGRY!"
You hear a metallic clank.
You realize with disgust where the chip is located. "Oh fuck me."
You look at Hilda. "Please avert your eyes."
"I'M... NOT FUCKIN'... VIC... NO, VIC..." He shouts, fighting the chip.
You look at the Nerd. "That's it Nerd. Fight it! Fight that chip's control over you!"
The fight is great, but you can see the toll it's taking. It's only a question of time before he gives in.
"I'M NOT FUCKIN' ANGRY!"
"HE'S THE ANGRY NINTENDO NERD!" Hilda shouts.
You shake your head and then steel yourself for what you're about to do.
"I'm not angry." He says with a hint of uncertainty.
"It's the fucking chip..." You mutter, with disgust.
You walk forward.
"NO, I'M THE FUCKIN' ANGRY KONAMI NERD!"
You hear a thud. "What was that noise?"
You realize you can't worry about that and tackle the Nerd to the ground.
You immediately grab at the Nerd's pants and turn to Hilda. "Pin him down!"
Hilda holds him down.
You calm yourself, and think, "Nerd, I'm so sorry."
"For what?"
Your mind races.
You take in a deep breath and pull down his pants. "Sorry Nerd but this hand's goin' up your ass."
The Nerd stops struggling and looks at you.
"Shit." You mutter, and slam the Nerd's head against the ground.
"I didn't do shit." The Nerd starts.
You look at him. "I know you didn't buddy."
Hilda watches with disgust as you shove your arm up the Nerd's asshole.
"Tell me who did this." You demand.
"I DIDN'T DO IT!" The Nerd continues to shout.
You wince as you feel the plug inside him.
You grab hold of the plug and start pulling. "Tell me who did this."
"I DIDN'T DO IT!"
You finish pulling the plug and stand back up.
"Now start talkin'."
Hilda's hands begin to shake as she holds the Nerd down.
"Hilda? What's wrong?"
She is fighting something.
"Hilda, please, you need to tell me what's going through your head."
"I'm alright." She replies.
The Nerd is in pain. "What happened?"
You stop and realize what's going on and what you need to do and close your eyes. "I am one with the Force and the Force is with me." You say calmly, before grabbing the Nerd's face. "Now, tell me who did this."
The Nerd starts crying.
You reach out with the Force and manage to short out the chip in the Nerd. It burns the skin and you hiss, but it's enough to stop the chip from sending the pain back.
"Ah! My face!"
"Tell me who did this."
The Nerd sobs.
"Vic. Vic did this, man."
You wince.
"YOU DON'T KNOW HIS FULL NAME?!"
You realize you're getting too angry and calm yourself.
Hilda is shaking, yet she seems... fine, mostly. The tension has left her.
You stare deep into the Nerd's face and realize what you have to do to fully disable it. "Well..." You say to yourself. "It was always said that Vic didn't like dudes all that much."
The Nerd is confused. "I'm... I'm sorry."
You sigh and kneel down to stare at the chip. "Just relax, I'm just going to take this out."
You lean in and kiss the Nerd on the lips. It's a weird feeling. The chip burns your skin slightly as you force the kiss on him, but you ignore that and concentrate on him.
You gently push the Nerd away and stare into his eyes.
... Something pops inside of him. Smoke comes out of his asshole as the chip fries.
"HA HA HA! What's... What the fuck man?"
You stand and take off your shirt. "I'll get you out of here, just relax."
Hilda finally seems to be herself.
You look at the Nerd and offer him your hand. "Can you stand?"
He nods.
You grab his hand and pull him up. "Alright, just... Just keep your wits about you, alright?"
The Nerd seems confused.
"Just go. I got this."
Vic approaches you. "Hey, no gay kisses around me." He winks.
You look at him angrily, before realizing you're still half naked. You pause, glance at Hilda and stop paying attention to Vic.
"I still have the chip." She points out.
You nod. "We'll get that out of you. Just as soon as I deal with Botox Chad over here."
Vic backs off.
"You don't know how lucky you are that I'm not gonna kill you, fucker." You say to the Botox Chad, Vic Mignogna.
"Um, what's going on?" The Nerd asks.
You look at the Nerd. "I'll explain everything later."
You turn to face Vic again and immediately pin him to the wall.
"You better hope that I'm not on a mission, because I'm pretty sure your ass is going to be dead."
You pause.
You look at Vic again. "The fuck you say?"
"I'm telling you..." He says, before pausing.
"What?" You ask.
"I think you're moving too fast."
You look at Vic again and punch him in the gut. "You're right, I should make this beatdown slower." You say, letting Vic pop back up, before slamming him back against the wall again. "That's better."
You grab Vic by the shirt and throw him to the floor.
"Execute order 69." Vic says into a transmitter.
You stop and look at Vic. "What?" You say.
You then look at Hilda who is shaking. "Um Hilda are you okay?"
She nods.
"Hm, you can tell that just by looking at me?"
She nods.
She shakes as she slowly begins to remove her bra and underwear. "Hilda?" You ask.
You turn your attention back towards Vic and lift him up by the shirt collar. "What did you do?"
You shake him when he just stays silent. "WHAT DID YOU DO?!"
"Good women follow men. It says so in the bible." He smiles.
You throw him to the side with a shout and then turn back to face Hilda and take a step towards her.
Hilda begins to walk towards you. She looks down at your... no. "Hilda?" She shoves you to the ground.
"Find him, find him. Sam. FIND HIM! SAM!" She shouts as she tries to suck your penis. You roll out of the way and grab the Nerd. The room fills with Vic stans, all firing blasters at you.
You take cover behind the table and just hope none of the blasts hit your friends.
Time to play the old shhhiiit... you quickly crawl towards the group, dragging the confused nerd with you.
You immediately blast open an air vent and jump down with the Nerd hanging onto your back.
"What are we doing here?" He asks.
"Shut up and walk!" You reply.
You slowly move forward, as the stench of death and shit immediately hits your nose.
You sigh. "Of course. We're fighting Vic Mignogna and now we end up in a sewer. Just great, fucking fantastic." You say.
You slowly enter the tunnel, heading towards-you hope-wherever this leads.
"I'll... I'll say if I'm comfortable." The Nerd says.
"You know Hilda's probably being gangfucked in there by Vic stans, right?" Someone points out. Shrek. The one who beat Hercule in a fair fight during a tournament, and dethroned him as the 'Champion' publically.
"Yeah, great. Just fucking great." You reply. "We're gonna have to go in as well then."
"That's a horrible thought." The nerd says.
You look at the Nerd. "Yeah no shit."
You then look back at Shrek. "You want to tag along?"
He nods. "Yeah."
"Fine. Let's go." You say.
You walk through the tunnel, each with their own thoughts.
"Just get me my damned winnings." Shrek says. He's texting Hercule. "This bastard's holding out on me."
You look back at Shrek and see he has a phone. "Who are you texting?"
"... Hercule? The Narrator told you."
Shh, Shrek, you asshole! I'm not a part of this story!
Ahem.
You roll your eyes before then going Super Saiyan. "Alright, let's go get our girl."
"I'm pretty sure Hilda would object to being called anyone's girl." Shrek explains. "But sure, let's go get her."
You look at the blown out air vent and you immediately jump through the hole again. "VIC! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!" You shout as you fall.
You smash into the sewer, releasing a burst of sewer water. "And there goes my clothes again." You think to yourself.
"Smart move, Mario." Shrek says with sarcasm.
Suddenly, an alarm begins to blare.
"What was that?" The nerd asks.
"An alarm. We need to get outta here." You reply as you stand up.
You then shake off that thought. "Wait no, my Super Saiyan form will be more than enough for Botox Chad."
"I thought you lads were going to get the woman?" Shrek asks.
"I don't understand why people think it's a good idea to jump out of a blasted-out vent anyway."
"Shut up and help me find my clothes!" You shout.
"We will. Come on, you blind bastard." Shrek says as you make your way through the sewers again.
You see a figure about halfway through the journey ahead of you.
You stare dumbfounded at the sight of a tiny pickle riding a makeshift raft. "What the fuck am I looking at?"
"It's a pickle." The Nerd explains. "And that's a rafter."
"Actually I'm not just a 'pickle', and this is not just a 'raft'. This is a nanoscopically reinforced fibrous transportation raft that is immune to Vicness." The rafter says into a microphone that's held by a man in a biohazard suit. "And this pickle has wheels so we can quickly move through the sewers while I explain more about the project to you."
You raise an eyebrow at the sound of that voice. "Wait a second, you're..."
"If you're gonna say Pickle Rick I will seriously stomp your nutsack in." The rafter interjected. "No I'm a more evolved form of Rick Sanchez. I'm Rafter Riiick!"
The Nerd stared dumbfounded at this new form of Rick as he reached for his emergency Rolling Rock only to be surprised when he saw that he was pantsless. "Just fucking perfect."
You quickly grab the raft and shove it back to the top of the pile. "We don't have time for this."
"But it's Raft Rick!" Shrek says in protest.
You look at Shrek. "Usually anything involving Rick Sanchez is a bad thi-"
"Is this a bad thing shitstain?" Rick interjected as he fired a grappling hook up at the hole in the air vent. "Now come on, you need to save your friend don't you?"
You stare at what's going on blankly and then sigh as you grab the grappling hook. "Guess I can't argue about this." You say as you pull it towards you and dangle for a second before grabbing on and dragging your way to the rafters.
"Pickled or not, this guy's a fucking asshole." The Nerd says.
You shout back "That's Rick for ya!" before then standing up and turning to face Vic. "Alright shithead. You ready for this?"
Hilda is standing next to Vic, no emotion in her expression.
You power up to Super Saiyan 2. "Oh I'm gonna enjoy fucking your shit up."
"Fuck yeah!" Vic beams.
You take a deep breath as you see Hilda reach into her backpack.
"Hilda's in a very 'submissive state' right now, so"- Hilda throws ninja stars at Shrek, slitting his throat. He coughs up blood and stumbles backwards.
"Shrek... no..." You say as he falls over. "Senzu bean! Someone get me a Senzu bean!"
You grab one of the beans and pop it in your mouth. "Alright. 2 minutes."
Vic stands in the center of the room growling at everyone. "Let's get to it."
You feed the Senzu Bean to Shrek just as the Nerd runs up to Vic and headbutts him square in the dick. "Sneaks, get out your walky talkies, go!"
Shrek stands up and charges at Vic. The two roll around on the floor punching each other.
You take advantage of this time to grab Hilda and the Nerd fly out of there with you only stopping to look back at Shrek.
"Damn it..." You says as you see Shrek clutching his side and breathing hard. "I told you to stay out of this."
"You saw what just happened! He's never gonna be the same!"
Hilda is still fighting the control of the chip. "R-..." She stammers. "...right... we need to stop him..."
"Fuck!" You shout as you realize she's still under control of the chip.
"Stop him Hilda!" The Nerd demands.
You turn towards the Nerd just as you set him and Hilda down on the ground. "I'm gonna go get Shrek, you go take Hilda somewhere safe."
Vic is speeding around the room as you watch him trying to lift the heavy statue. "You're too late, Vic. Too fucking late."
Vic turns his head and spits out some blood.
You turn towards Shrek and you nod. "Hey buddy, I've got a technique we could try together."
"What?" Shrek says as he gets up.
You smile as you pull out a pair of Potara Earrings. "You ever hear of a little thing called fusion?"
Shrek's eyes widen as he realizes what you're planning. "You want to fuse with me?"
"Why the fuck wouldn't I?"
Shrek nods. "Alright then."
You toss Shrek one of the earrings as you attach the one you have to your left ear.
"You sure you know what you're doing?" Shrek says.
"I told you I did."
"Fuck, you're a fucking strange one, you know that?"
You shrug just as you start flying towards Shrek and start merging with him. You feel your body being changed as you feel yourself growing. You process is being changed, and that feels weird.
"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" Vic asks.
You look down at Vic.
You laugh. "I am neither Shrek nor Dakteam. I am the legendary warrior who will beat you."
You look at yourself. "I am the strongest."
You laugh again. A childlike laugh. "I am the winner."
"Dude, you really didn't need to say that."
Hilda walks into the room, holding a bloody clump of flesh. "I got the bio chip out." Her genitals are dripping with blood. "But it cost me a finger."
You look back at Vic and grin as you begin to power up. "I AM A GODDAMN ROCK STAR!"
"That's hot." Vic says.
You immediately charge towards Vic and hit him at your full power. You fly him across the room into the statue and smash him against it. The statue nearly collapses as you grab Vic's head and smash it against it several times.
"I am a good person." You shout.
You smirk as you proceed to land a 600-hit combo on Vic's balls.
"I am a kind person."
You laugh as you pick Vic up again and slam him against the wall.
Hilda removes a scalpel from her backpack. "My turn."
"Hold him down." She commands.
You see what she's doing and pin Vic to the floor. "Hey Vic, you ready for a game of Operation?!"
You make sure Vic doesn't move by slamming your knees into his which shatters his legs.
Hilda holds the scalpel to his... genitals. "I found a piece." She says, grinning. "Better not touch the sides."
You blow a kiss as Hilda proceeds to cut Vic's balls off.
"Fuck..." Vic screams. "It's not my fault if you can't resist me."
Hilda is enjoying this too much.
"Years of handsy men while adventuring, this... does put a smile on my face." She says.
You let go of Vic and he screams, clutching his genitals. "My balls! My beautiful God-given balls!"
You look at him with an insane grin before then reaching to grab hold of his eyeballs. "You're gonna lose more than those in a few seconds."
Vic's eyes roll into the back of his head as you pull them out. He lets out one last scream before his body goes limp.
"Well, that took less than five minutes." Hilda says.
"He just fucking died." Hilda says.
"You didn't tell me you had a side-hobby."
"I don't have a side-hobby."
You smirk. "The skill that you showed in cutting off his balls say otherwise."
Hilda sighs as she places Vic's testicles in a bowl. "Alright, you godless heathen, you're still going to Hell for that."
"Ooh, burn." You reply.
Vic's body begins to burn as Hilda deposits him in a nearby incinerator.
You look on with arms crossed and a grin.
Hilda looks down at him with a murderous satisfaction.
You feel like you can take this a little higher and thus you stretch your arms out your sides and begin charging up a golden energy attack.
You turn to everyone else. "STAND BACK! I'M ABOUT TO GIVE THIS BASTARD THE ULTIMATE SEND-OFF!"
Hilda brings her hands back and begins to charge a Kamehameha.
"He was a bastard." You say, firing your attack.
The two attacks meet each other with a powerful explosion, destroying the room and leaving a massive crater where it once was.
You let out a breath as you feel yourself being separated from Shrek.
"Shit. Did we win?"
You look at the upper-left corner of the map, which shows the current status of the gates.
You smile. "AH YEAH! A Dragon Ball is nearby!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, that's the color."
Hilda stands up, brushing herself off. "Then let's go get it."
"Let's."
You turn to Hilda. "But first, we should stop off somewhere and get some clothes and I know a place where we can get some cheap clothes."
"Yes, I think that's a good idea."
You look at the bottom of your feet and realize you're standing in dirt. "Oh dear."
"And a bath." Hilda says.
"Yes, I think you're right."
You jump up and begin flying around looking for your friends.
"I think we lost the war."
You shake your head. "Nah, we'll win this."
"We have to use the Force to fry their chips, or give them the will to do that themselves." Hilda explains.
You nod. "Good idea. But first, we need to pick up some homies."
"I'm not actually affiliated with the G.S.F."
"That's what Shrek says before he does something crazy. But no, I'm not talking about your homies, Hilda. I'm talking about mine."
"And I'll call mine." Hilda says.
You grab hold of Hilda and fly off with her to the distant city of Steelport and crash land in a pool.
"I can fly as well." She says, slightly annoyed.
You shrug. "Sometimes I forget that."
"Clearly otherwise you wouldn't have trespassed on our hood." Johnny Gat said as he kept a gun trained on you.
"Gat." You begin as you hold your hands up. "It's me."
Johnny lowers his gun. "Holy shit, it is you! It really is you! Fuck, you weren't lying when you said the kids are into this shit."
"What?" Hilda asks.
You roll your eyes. "Gat, now's not the time for that kind of joking."
"Joking? I was being serious! I can't believe it's you, man! And you actually came here all the way from Korea just for a visit? That took some guts."
"What are the kids into?" Hilda asks, still oblivious.
You look at him with a smile. "Oh I only wish it was just a visit." Your expression then changed. "Gat we need your help."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. There's a gang war breaking out and I need some help taking care of the other gang, the Vic Vipers. The gang members are there without their consent; controlled by a biochip."
"Oh, so it's another one of those BDSM gangs?"
You nod. "Something like that, I need you to take out the leaders and take over."
Gat's eyes widen. "Say what now?"
"You heard me."
You remember the other detail. "Oh and we also need help ripping out and deactivating the biochips."
You then motion towards Hilda. "But before we do that, can you uh... get my friend some new clothes?"
Gat nodded. "Sure thing though I hope your friend's fine with purple."
"She's fine with it." You say with a shrug.
Hilda raises an eyebrow.
"Never had a problem with it."
You wait impatiently as Gat goes off and gets the clothes.
You start tapping your foot.
You start checking your watch.
"Where's Gat?" Hilda asks.
"Getting the clothes. Why?"
"Well I don't want to keep the boy waiting."
"He's not a boy, he's a man!"
Hilda begins absently picking at a scab on her navel. "Oh, the Nerd is an adult?"
You nod. "Yeah, an adult who still acts like a middle schooler."
You check your watch again and groan. "When is John-"
"Heh impatient as ever." Gat says with a chuckle as he tossed a jacket and pants towards you.
You glance at him. "Are you ready to go?"
"Whenever you are." Hilda says in a monotone voice.
Hilda puts on the jacket and pants. "May I request a shirt?"
"A shirt?" Gat asks, raising an eyebrow. "You don't need"-
"Gat, she isn't into... baring her chest, even in a bra."
Gat shrugs. "S'fine by me."
You look at Johnny who simply goes off to grab a shirt. You then turn towards Hilda. "So I guess introductions are in order, these are my homies. These are the Third Street Saints."
Johnny tosses a stool and a few pairs of boxers as you throw the shirt at Hilda. She catches it and becomes covered.
"And this is Hilda."
You watch as Gat approaches her.
"Oh you mean the adventurer?" Gat asks.
"Yeah, officially she's an adventurer."
Hilda raises an eyebrow. "I am an adventurer. Licensed."
"Yeah, but you're not a lady."
"I'm... an adventurer?" She replies, confused. "What does that have to do with me being an adventurer?"
You look at Gat. "Gat. The fuck man?"
Gat shrugged. "Look I didn't mean anything by it? I'm just noting that she's a little young."
You feel your face turn red. "Gat, I know what you're implying and I recommend you cut that out."
Gat shrugs. "Suit yourself, but we have to be fucking careful, you know?"
You shake your head. "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about."
Hilda is uncomfortable. "What the fuck?"
You facepalm. "Gat. Will you relax?"
"Whatever."
You motion towards your house. "Let's go Johnny, we've wasted enough time here."
You quickly run home and without another word enter your house.
Hilda walks inside of your house. "Why are these clothes so tight?"
You pinch your nose. "Jesus it smells like weeks old shit in here!"
You look down to see Pierce Washington laying across your couch hungover. "Pierce? What did you do?"
"Chill man." He said half-awake. "It was just a little party."
"Is that a dead woman in a chair?" Hilda asks, disgusted and horrified.
"Ah, yeah, that's... that's a dead hooker."
You turn to Pierce. "Why is there a dead hooker in the chair?"
He gives a half-smile. "We were just talking, she asked me a bunch of questions and then... she had an accident..."
"She's a dead human being!" Hilda shouts.
Pierce holds his hands up. "Hey, hey! Who the fuck"-
You look at him with a stony expression. "You ran into more hooker assassins didn't you?"
"Alright, alright, shhhhh. Let's just... not talk about it."
You sigh and shake your head. "Come on, Hilda, I'll show you around."
"Yeah..."
You sigh, rolling your eyes and shaking your head.
You try to ignore the smell of the food and turn your attention to the device in front of you.
"That is a nuke. That's a fucking nuke."
You turn to see Hilda who raises an eyebrow. "How do you know that?"
"Because I am a fucking bomb expert."
"Actually, it's not a nuke, it's a neutrino bomb, designed by Rick." Hilda realizes. She opens it up, and measures its contents. "Strong enough to destroy the entire galaxy."
You blink twice. "Come again?"
"He must've built this when drunk. I've had to disarm hundreds of these left across the galaxy. I work in the Intergalactic Police Explorer guild."
You feel yourself fall back onto the couch on top of Pierce. "No shit."
"I'll... go get you a beer." Hilda says, walking towards the kitchen. You sit up to look at the device which is about the size of a briefcase.
You stare at the device. "How does Rick keep getting into my apartment?"
"You have shit security." Rick said as he walked out of a portal and towards the device. "You should get something that can stop an overpowered scientist."
"Or a troll." Hilda adds. "Always need safety measures against trolls."
You look at Rick. "Excuse me but who invited you in here?"
Rick shrugged. "I did, no one invites me so I always invite myself. Besides it's not like you can bitch, you clearly need me."
You shake your head. "I'm actually good thanks."
"Don't listen to him, he's a shitty host." Hilda says. "So... what's the plan?"
You take a deep breath.
You look at her. "Wait what? Are you calling me the shitty host or are you calling Rick that?"
Hilda rolls her eyes. "You know what I mean."
You look Hilda in the eyes. "I'm sorry?"
"You literally tried to perform back-alley surgery on me instead of calling the Leapster Laboratories and getting Quigley, the best doctor in the world, to do it."
"It was the only way to be sure."
"Are you seriously defending that?"
You look Hilda in the eyes. "Hell yes, I mean Robotnik was on our ass. There was no time to get to a doctor."
Hilda sighs. "It was a fucking simulation at that point. Robotnik hadn't come out of his hidey hole yet."
You perk up. "See simulation! There was nothing to complain about then and regardless, I still got you out of that mess with Vic didn't I?"
Hilda growls. "Get off your fucking high horse."
"What about that other time with the trolls?" Rick asks, raising an eyebrow. "Dakteam, real good thinking with that one."
You ignore Rick and look at Hilda. "High horse? I'm sorry but who was the awesome motherfucker who saved us from Vic and the Grinch before that?"
"Do you want me to say it?" Hilda says. "Do you want me to go... PC... on you? And point out everything that you are doing utterly wrong?"
"And Rick, shut the fuck up." Hilda says. "I'm not ganging up on Daktraem, I'm pointing out what he's doing wrong, not nitpicking him for past mistakes."
You look at her. "You do realize my name is Dakteam right?"
"... You're just trying to be right." Hilda deconstructs your argument with that statement. "That contradicts what you told us about your name earlier: that, in your native tongue, your name is valid spelled either way."
You shrug. "Well it's better to be right than wrong isn't it?"
"Oh-kay man, I might be an asshole but you seem as if you're getting on her case because you're upset that she... didn't want you touching her junk. Like even I can recognize when being an asshole is just unnecessary."
You look at Rick and open your mouth to say something but you stop yourself and then move onto a more important subject. "You're right, this is pointless. We should move onto the more important matters like the Vic Vipers."
"That's not what I meant." Rick replies. "I meant that... huh, yeah, it is pointless." Rick remembers something, grabs his flask, and takes a drink.
You look at Hilda. "I'll let you take the reigns on explaining this one."
"Well, I was... 'v'-'vic'ced by Vic. And so were hundreds of other people. This 'vic'cing caused a biochip to be implanted inside of people; for men, it made them 'spread' this biochip. For women, they became 'submissive'; muscles paralyzed, forced"- She clears the feeling from her head.
You look at Hilda. "You know who else might've had that happen to them?"
Hilda pauses for a moment than nods. "The... centaurs?"
You nod. "Fucking idiots wouldn't leave me alone for weeks."
"How... interesting."
You feel fear immediately settle in your system. "So since I have a biochip in my system most likely, you're not gonna take a scalpel and cut open my di-"
Hilda punches you in the face.
You gently touch your face. "H... Hilda, what the fuck?"
"I'm not going to perform surgery on you!" Hilda calls Quigley on her communicator. "Quigley, get your Extractors ready."
You sigh with relief. "Oh thank fuck." You rub your face.
You then turn to Hilda. "Wait, who did you call?"
"Quigley. The greatest"-
"Also the fuck's an Extractor?"
Hilda sighs. "You are being a complete knob right now, you know that?"
You look her in the face with an expression of fear. "I'm sorry but when I hear about something called an Extractor and realize it might do... something to my dick I kind of get scared!"
Hilda leans in and looks you in the eye. "You'll be under anesthetics. You'll be- how do you think surgery works?!"
You start shaking. "Look lady, this muthafucka doesn't do well with surgeries. I went through already one surgery to remove a growth and another to install the blood to make me a badass, no way in hell am I wanting to go through those experiences again."
"'Lady'? Oh that's it, I'm going PC on your ass! Stop treating me as though some 'sidekick'! I DON'T WORK FOR YOU!"
You look at her and then smile. "Wait a second. Maybe this is just some ploy. Yeah that's it, maybe we're all gonna go to Quiznos and that's it."
Hilda breaks your nose with one punch. "Quiznos? I didn't say Quiznos, I said Quigley."
You hold on to your face and fall on the ground.
Hilda realizes that she broke your nose. "I apologize. I didn't realize how hard I punched you."
You calm down. "No it's alright. I'll shut up now."
Shrek walks in. "Hey, I found grilled cheese sandwiches." He looks at them, slightly disgusted. "Actually, that might not be cheese."
Hilda is grossed out. "Semen sandwiches."
You look at the sandwiches with shock and then it all came back to you. "Fucking hell I forgot that happened one Christmas party."
Hilda is done with this place.
"It smells like shit and cockroach bile." She says. "And I do know what cockroach bile smells like."
"What does it taste like?"
You throw up in your mouth a little once you realize you just asked that.
Hilda gets up and leaves without a word.
Shrek looks at you. "Mind... explaining why you asked that?"
You go ignore Shrek and go after Hilda. "Wait Hilda I'm sorry!"
She is standing in a hallway. "I've already called Quigley. He'll be here soon. I am not continuing this conversation."
You nod. "Trust me, I'd rather forget that whole conversation ever happened too."
You both calm down. "So... the sandwiches?"
Hilda breathes in.
You stop yourself. "On second thought, let's just focus on stopping the Vic Vipers."
You both walk out of the basement that you were about to descend into.
You push Pierce aside and sit down on the couch. "So when do you think Quigley will get here?"
Hilda stares out in to space. "I don't know, but I've got a bad feeling about this."
After a few minutes, the doorbell rings.
"Well, here we go..."
The door opens. It's Quigley. "Hello, may I check your flaps real quick?"
You stand up. "Why?"
Quigley approaches you and slaps you in the face with a closed fist. "That's why."
You rub your face. "Ow!"
Quigley grabs your wrist and checks your pulse. "You have been slapped by Quigley. You are now a very nervous being. Tell me everything you know about this man."
"Robotnik?"
"No, the man who sucked you off and gave you a biochip."
"What?"
Quigley grabs your throat. "What is this biochip?"
"It's... in my"-
He drops you.
You raise an eyebrow while you rub your sore butt. "It was a herd of centaurs, they're the ones who did this to me."
Quigley shakes his head. "These chip fragments can be used as tracking devices. You're lucky I found you before something bad happened."
"What do you mean?"
"Are you so dense as to not know what the words, 'can be used as tracking devices', mean when put together in a sentence? I am the world-class Word Expert."
You shake your head. "I mean of course I know that."
"No, you don't. I'll give you a hint: it has to do with your genitals."
You look down and realize your dicks are gone. "Oh..."
Hilda enters the room.
Quigley puts some 'dick drops' on your dicks to make them unretract.
You rub your dicks. "That's just great."
You both look at Hilda.
"Where's my sandwich?"
You realize what you just said. "Oh fuck the chip's having an effect isn't it?"
Quigley nods. "Grab him."
You feel Gat and Hilda pinning you down. "Now", Quigley grabs you and instant transmissions you to his laboratory. "Let's fire up those Extractors." He neck-chops you.
You go unconscious...
"Alright, it's done!"
You slowly wake up. "Ugh... what happened?"
"I extracted the chip." He holds it out to you. "Many, many chips. I used the Force to do a body scan of you and destroy any that I found."
You hold out your hand and grab the chip. "Good to know."
He grabs your hand and makes you hold out your arm.
He injects you with something.
You feel a tingling sensation. "What's happening?"
"It's a mixture of Truffula extract and Senzu Bean extract. It's more effective when injected together than ingested."
You hear those words and immediately feel your body becoming stronger than ever before. "This is incredible!"
"Not as incredible as what's about to happen."
It takes a few seconds, but your eyes widen. "Is that a new species of bear?"
"Yes."
You immediately try to Instant Transmission out of the lab. It doesn't work. "What's it doing to me?"
"It's an Anti-Theft system. It'll disable anything you attempt to use for a few minutes."
"What?!"
"I'm a smart-ass motherfucker." Quigley replies.
You sigh. "So let me guess, I have to take part in your lab experiments to push my body to whole new levels of power?"
Quigley grins. "You got it."
"What are the limitations on this experiment?" you ask. "I mean, I want to know what I'm getting myself into."
"None. There's no ethics board authorization for this."
You raise an eyebrow. "What?"
"Surely you didn't think I was going to do this completely legit, or wait until the government approved this?"
You shrug. "I didn't say that."
Quigley nods. "Now..." He snaps a glove onto his hand. "I'm going to pull some poop out of your body. Try to dodge it."
You raise an eyebrow. "I'm sorry what?"
Quigley approaches, and activates his Stand. "Za Arufabetto!"
You look up with eyes full of shock. "N-NANI?!"
Quigley summons letters to help him. "I'll read them to you."
A large list of words appear in the air.
You get into a battle stance.
He launches them towards you. You dodge them. "Good... A, B, C, D..."
Quigley raises an eyebrow. "Can you Arabic?"
You nod.
He smirks. "Wonderful. Let's begin..."
You run forward, readying your fists. "E, F, G, H..."
You raise your arms up high.
You get hit in the dick by the D. "Ow! The D hit me in the dick. Why, why did the D hit me in the dick?"
"Learn the alphabet!"
You back away.
"Let's try some spelling!" A big "NIGGA" appears in the air behind Quigley.
You press forward. "I, J, K, L..."
You try to punch him, but he raises his hands up. "M, N, O, P..."
You grab your crotch in pain.
You look at the big "NIGGA" and immediately cover your ears as booming rap music blares out from it. "FUCK! Turn that bitch up!" Quigley says.
You feel like you're about to pass out. "... Q, R, S..."
You grit your teeth as you stand up. "I can take anything you can dish out!"
"Not this shit!" He flips his middle finger at you.
The letters B, C, D, E and F appear on one side of the room, while a large "G" and "H" pin you to the floor.
A word that spells out "PENIS" with two "O"s for balls is about to go into your butthole, when Hilda instant transmissions here and smacks Quigley into a wall. His stand dematerializes.
"You fucking pervert, get away from him!"
"Oh, God in heaven help me." You whisper.
Quigley rubs his head.
You look at the "PENIS" and proceed to stomp it repeatedly. "Quigley, you're not going to beat me with this shit."
Quigley laughs. "This is for fingering my butthole on that island while I was unconscious, Daktraem!" Quigley shouts.
"Revenge assault is still assault, Quigley."
"Wait what?" Hilda asks.
You let out a long sigh. "We were on an island, I tried some makeshift booze and things didn't go so well."
"Nobody told me about that!"
"He tried some shit he found in the jungle and I nearly choked to death on it!"
Quigley raises an eyebrow. "So..."
"That's no excuse for fingering someone's asshole without their consent! I almost was operated on by you!" Hilda shouts.
"Wait", Quigley asks. "This fuck almost mutilated your privates?"
You turn towards Hilda. "I was drunk!" You then turn towards Quigley. "Also how do you know about my attempt at surgery?"
"You fucknut! I know about the Vic-chips!"
You say. "Oh yeah that's right."
Quigley looks at Hilda. "How did you instant transmission past my Anti-Theft measures?"
"When the lock is being picked by a paperclip, it's fine. When the lock is being picked by a hammer, game over." Hilda explains, using this analogy.
You look at Hilda with an eyebrow raised. "Something tells me I'm the weaker item in this analogy."
She looks at you, irritated. "No, it's not even implied. I just say so."
Quigley sighs. "Look, I'm not going to lie. If you keep me up all night while I'm sleeping, it's only going to piss me off. But I can diffuse this."
You look at Quigley. "I mean the whole point was to train here so can we get back to training?"
"Sure. Whatever lets you and me fight, asshole."
Quigley sits down into a worn out chair. He looks at Hilda. "Can you start over?"
She nods.
"So are you going to prattle on to me about your 'superior' genetics as you did to the Grinch?"
"How do you know about that?" You ask Hilda.
"I've been practicing the psychic arts." She replies, lifting up some scalpels and launching them at you. You attempt to fight them off, but you're a poor psychic warrior and the best you can hope for is to stop the knives from plunging into your flesh. Quigley laughs as you attempt to save your life.
You feel a scalpel cut across your urethra. You let out a yell of pain as you struggle to get away. "Hah, maybe you can stop the knives, but you can't stop their sharpness, can you?"
Hilda punches you in the face. Her fist cuts your cheek into your teeth. You fall backwards, spitting out a few teeth. Quigley looks at them in awe. "Those are some killer gnashers, man."
You smirk as you stand up. "Okay how about we move out of the warm-up now?"
You immediately power up to Super Saiyan God. Hilda and Quigley are in for a shock.
"What the hell is that?!" Quigley exclaims.
"He's being cocky." Hilda says.
Hilda focuses on herself, and her hair begins to glow. She begins to tap into the powers of her own will. You see a ball of purple energy begin to form in front of her. You attempt the same, and the results are mixed. While your powerlevel is much higher, you can't seem to focus it well.
You notice that Hilda's powerlevel begins to rise.
"Huh?" You ask. You feel a shit leave your butt.
You shake the fear off. "No matter. Come on Hilda! Let's do this!" You say, powering up to Super Saiyan.
When you and Hilda clash, there's an explosion which can be felt from various pieces of metal debris all the way on the other side of the station.
She moves towards you at a speed that scares the shit out of you. "I used psychic abilities to study every detail of your fight with the Grinch. I studied your nerve endings, your brain, and every other activation in your body"-
"Including my dicks?"
Hilda kicks you in the dicks for that response. You fall back onto the ground painfully.
"I'm talking about the GRINCH's body! Not yours!"
Hilda continues to move in on you. Ignoring the pain, you stand back up. "Hold on! Stop! We can do this the easy way or the hard way!" You smirk.
Quigley is eating popcorn. "Kick his shit deeper up his intestines until it goes back into his stomach."
You immediately power back up to maximum. "NO MORE GAMES! I'LL SHOW YOU MY FULL POWER!"
You power up to complete Ultra Instinct. Hilda watches. You attempt to move at ultra speed, but fail.
"Uh oh." She says with a laugh.
Hilda powers up to Ultra Instinct. She seems to have mastered- "Oh, fuck me." You say.
"You had one job." She says with a smirk.
Hilda moves faster than the eye can follow. She punches you in the face, breaking your nose.
You start charging up an energy blast once you get up on your knees. "YOU DARE MOCK ME?!"
Hilda moves so fast, you don't even see her. She scratches your face with her fingernails, sharp and strong from years of climbing, drawing blood. Then, she stops.
"Cool it, incel." She mocks.
You shake your face. "I-Incel?"
"Yeah, it's what you're supposed to be called. Inadequate gentleman who doesn't get the girl. Or because you seem to subscribe to a social Darwinistic- I'm not going to explain this fallacy to you."
You smirk.
You feel your expression change as you bring your hands to your side. "Kame...hame..."
You immediately grunt in pain upon uttering the word.
"Grr..." You start.
"Guys. I'm..."
You stop and fall to the floor.
"You... don't know how to channel your energy for a kamehameha?" Hilda taunts.
"No... I mean yes, but..." You groan in pain.
You force yourself up and hold out one arm and charge a powerful blue energy ball. "Let's try this one. BIG BANG ATTACK!" You utter, and fire the kamehameha.
Hilda absorbs it with her palm.
You look on completely dumbfounded. "You've gotta be shitting me. I can't even fire a Big Bang Attack, a goddamn Big Bang fucking Attack?! How in the... FUCK!"
You slam your fists into the ground with rage.
"Why the fuck- I work hard to master my abilities every fucking day, and I'm not going to just have them destroyed like this!"
Hilda flicks a finger at you, firing a shockwave of energy. "Since you can come up with techniques using skill, visualization, focus, mine is this."
You raise your hands and attempt to slow her down with a telekinetic force field. You're obviously no match for her speed.
"You sit on the couch and eat fast food all day." Hilda counters.
You bring your hands together with a loud clap, firing off a shockwave of your own.
... Hilda deflects it. "A mega clap?"
You look on with a face full of disbelief. "No way... that was my father's move. How did that not even work? How did... GODDAMN IT!"
"You are untrained, and I'm not even sure if you're that strong; it's almost as if... genetics don't explain everything!"
"Shouldn't have picked a fight you couldn't win, girly." You remark.
You feel your eyes widening. "Oh fuck what did I just say?"
Hilda grabs your throat and picks you up with ease. "What the fuck did you just say, shit-stain?"
"... Shit." You croak.
"You know that I've been working hard since I was a child to push myself? I used to swim to the bottom of a lake, and hold my breath for longer and longer intervals, and I trained my breathing that way!"
You look at Hilda. "I can see that considering everything hurts right now and you're otherwise unscathed. Damn it."
"And you don't even know the half of it! If you think my abilities are something, you haven't heard about me in sports."
"Sports? The tournament?" You ask. "What about Hercule?"
"I did fight him once, but after I tried to get him to admit defeat- Shrek is not the only one to have defeated Hercule. He just covers it up afterwards. Shrek is the only PUBLIC defeat of Hercule."
You look Hilda in the eye. "To be fair, so many people have beaten Hercule before."
"Hercule is a hurdle for going from professional fighting to heroic fighting. And I defeated him. The same as anyone else."
Quigley farts. The sound interrupts your conversation.
You look her in the eyes. "The same as anyone else? Okay clearly something I said upset you."
"... Do- Daktraem, excuse me for asking this, are you mentally handicapped?"
"Nah, he's an anime protagonist; he's about as oblivious as one." Quigley says, eating more popcorn.
You look Hilda in the eyes and sigh as the realization hit you. "Oh... yeah I guess I did get VERY sexist during this fight."
"So you aren't mentally handicapped; I feel relieved that I did not have to explain why you upset me." Hilda says, her face still very serious. "Or, you are at least lazy and take everything for granted, since you fall back on your genetics so much."
You keep looking her in the eyes. "Yeah... yeah that's true. Ever since that happened I guess treated my genetics the same way Vegeta treats his pride." You say. "Look, I apologize. I didn't mean to insult you, your abilities or your background."
"... Let's just drop it."
You hum, nodding.
You shake your head. "You know what? No let's not drop it."
Quigley is confused.
"What are you doing?" Quigley asks. "You idiot!"
Hilda glares at you. "Why not drop it?"
You power down and turn to Quigley. "Quigley, this training was built for more than just strength and skill enhancement wasn't it?"
"Actually nah, I just wanted to fuck you up. But sure." Quigley shrugs.
You look up at the ceiling. "Well I think I realized what the big problem with myself is."
You look back at Quigley.
"You try to stick your finger in my ass again, I'm using my Extractor to extract more than just a Vic-chip this time." Quigley threatens.
You speak with a much softer tone, ignoring what Quigley just said. "Ever since I was a little kid, I looked up at heroes like my father Bruce Banner and Goku and thought to myself about how cool it must be to have all that power. I thought about how amazing it must be to have the ability to bench-press planets and go to these impossibly strong levels. I thought about this so much so that once I got that blood transfusion, I thought I was unstoppable! And... well now I see that isn't true. I put so much stock in my power and the amazing abilities that it grants me that I failed to take into account a factor more important than that."
"And what's that?"
"... People."
Quigley doesn't quite get it, but he nods in agreement.
You take a deep breath. "People are the only real limi..."
"Are you saying that your friends hold you back?" Hilda asks. "Are you saying that the people who help you train, the people who care about you, who encourage you, are holding you back?"
You let out a cough and shake your head before continuing on. "I forgot about people in general. What it means to be a person and most importantly, the real strength that comes from inside. I realized that this whole time, I look at amazing titans like my Dad and failed to see them for the people they were. The Hulk wasn't amazing because of his abilities, he was amazing because the man Bruce Banner was an amazing human being who had a good heart and a desire to help. Goku's amazing because he continues to better himself while I... I just focused on the might of it all. I put so much stock in the idea of having power that I didn't stop to consider the responsibilities that would come with it nor did I consider how to be just a decent human being and it shows here."
Hilda watches as you have an epiphany before her eyes. She doesn't react.
"I... I guess what I'm trying to say is..." you continue.
"I got it. I write scientific research, I can understand a paragraph." Hilda replies.
You sit down and let out a breath. "I was lazy. I decided to throw up my hands, kick my feet up and just ignore everything just because I had these powers. Power that was gifted to me by my Dad to save my life and yet I took that gift and wasted it and I see through that wasting I hurt people. I hurt people like Quigley, I clearly hurt Sam enough that he considered betraying me, hell I'm sure people like the Nerd have been hurt by me too and during all those times I was too arrogant and stupid to realize it."
"So what are you going to do?"
You shrug.
Hilda... looks at you, and takes a deep breath... "... You just had an insight about love and empathy and don't know what to do with that insight?"
You take in another breath and look Hilda in the eyes. "Honestly. I don't know what I'm going to do. What can I even do now? Even if we stop these threats it's not like these issues are going to magic themselves away. You know how many years I've had these powers? I've had them since I was six. Hilda I'm fucking 40 now, that's a whopping 32 goddamn years that I've spent thinking I was the hottest shit and ignoring everything, even what my old man said. So yes, I don't know what to do. For all I know it could be far too late for me."
"It's never too late." Hilda replies. "I grew up losing confidence because of shit that happened to me in my youth; being a woman is very, very difficult in a world run by men. All of the heroes on TV are men. The only female characters we have to 'look up to' are mothers, who sit and complain about their husbands while being used as fodder for jokes about how 'unreasonable' they are. And the trend has been changing now, but the women and girls I see on TV are still plagued with enforced 'femininity'. I have seen completely 'feminine' men on TV. Why not a completely 'masculine' woman? What do you think this does to our outlook on the world? I'm sorry, I know that no one in this building really gives a shit about my feelings. This is the reason why people such as Vic get away with the shit that they do."
You look Hilda in the eyes, your expression serious. "No kidding and hell if you're someone who even decided to take a stand for those people that were hurt. You'd be called a liar and risk getting doxxed purely because you decided to not stand up for bullshit."
Quigley stands up, laughing. "What kind of SJW bullshit is this? Robots, bring me the Dragon Balls."
You feel your eyes widening. "Quigley. What did you just say?"
He rips off his lab-coat to reveal "I STAND WITH VIC" on his shirt.
You stare at Quigley with mouth agape. "What the actual fuck man?!"
"I support traditional family values, not this shit. Women need to get back into their places in society!" Quigley laughs, smiling.
"... What the fuck happened to you Quigley?" You ask, mortified.
You look Quigley in the eyes. "Don't tell me, you had one of those biochips inside and you didn't even know did you?"
"No, 🅱I🅱🅱🅰. This is all me."
You shake your head with disbelief. "No. That... that can't be true!"
"🅱®🅾, it's true." He says, looking down and smiling.
You feel your hands balling up into a fist. "But I knew you! You were a good man! You just wanted to help the world learn the alphabet!"
"🅰🅱©DEFGH..." He smiles. "I will kill your family." He looks behind him. "Leap, come out here!"
You look on with a face full of shock.
Leap walks out, with a bandage on a part of his head. "Leap is a productive stan now, for my purposes."
You feel anger beginning to boil up inside. "You monster. These were children! Fucking children!"
Leap's entire family shows up, with bandages on their heads. Lily has a bandage on her waist.
"Just doing the good man's work." Quigley says. "Vic is love, Vic is life."
You look on mortified at Lily. "No, you didn't... you fucking didn't."
"😘" She smiles, looking at you.
You feel something inside of you break. You begin to feel wooziness, and you lose your balance and fall to the floor.
You feel yourself losing consciousness and before you know it, you faint.
You wake up in the Saints' HQ. "Ay, Daktraem's back."
You rub your head. "Ugh... what happened and where am I?"
"Hilda saved you from getting buttfucked by Quigley. A nerve gas put you to sleep."
You look at Gat and immediately jolt upright in bed. "QUIGLEY! THAT DOUBLE-CROSSING BASTARD!"
"Yeah. He seems to be hidin' some dark shit in those walls of that fucked up laboratory of his."
You slam your fist into the mattress. "GODDAMNIT! I could've...!"
"Ay, calm yer tits, darlin'. There ain't nothin' we could do." A saint says, before Gat punches that saint in the face for 'insubordination' (whatever the hell Gat considers insubordination at any second).
You get up out of bed.
"Where's Hilda?" You ask.
"Are you really thirsty at a time like this?" Gat asks.
"What?"
You look at Gat with a glare. "Gat, not the time!"
"Alright, alright."
Hilda comes walks in, with her AR library on her head.
You approach Hilda. "Thanks for saving me."
"No problem. Hey, why don't you try this on for me?" Hilda asks, holding up a hoodie.
"Huh?"
"Come on, put it on."
"Why?"
You decide not to ask anymore questions and put on the hoodie. "Okay so now what?"
"It's a hoodie that tracks everything your body does, and uses electrodes to reinforce techniques. It's a biofeedback jacket."
"Biofeedback...?"
Gat points to a screen in front of him.
You stare at the screen in surprise.
You nod with an impressed expression. "Wow."
"Man, your heart rate is high. Calm down you thirsty animal." Gat says.
You glare at Gat again. "Okay Gat, seriously that's not funny."
Gat shrugs.
You look at Hilda. "... Is there anything else I should try on?"
"Yes; there's a VR helmet I've been prototyping"-
"Can I try it out?" You ask.
Hida is annoyed that you have interrupted her. "No, in this stage of development, it'll fuck up your brain."
"Is it a sex program?" Gat asks.
You turn to Gat. "Fucking seriously?!"
"Yes, fucking seriously. You seriously ignorin' this bootycall"-
You facepalm. "Oh my lord I swear how Hilda hasn't punched you in the dick yet is something I'll never get."
Hilda sighs; she's ignoring something, but Gat's words clearly hurt.
You try to change the subject. "Well anyways, even if I can't use that I need to find some method of training because considering what Quigley and Robotnik might do? We're all in for serious shit."
"Nah man, it's important that you get it out of yo' system before you go out; it helps ease the aggression, you know? Gives you more control."
You look at Gat completely dumbfounded.
"I'm sayin', if ya fuck her, you'll be"-
"Gat, fuck you."
"What?" Gat asks, genuinely not understanding why he is being the biggest chud right now.
You look Gat dead in the eyes. "You seriously don't get it. We're talking about two maniacs who worship some shitty anime voice actor buttfucking people to make them mindless sex-zombies and you are stuck on the idea that I, a 40 year old man, have to fuck a girl who's several years younger. Seriously Gat, the fuck is wrong with you?"
Gat shrugs. "The Saints murder thousands of people every day. Who gives a shit about some anime voice actor fuckin' people?"
You shake your head. "The fact that you don't give a shit is the problem."
Gat gives you a dirty look. "Not my problem."
You are about to say something when suddenly the voice of Pierce perks up.
"Muthafucka, people being turnt into sex-zombies means that can affect all our asses!" Pierce said to Gat. "Let's get our game on..."
Pierce grabs a bunch of weapons, and leaves. You look at the screen.
"Wait a second, is Pierce... leaving to fight on his own?" The Boss asks.
You nod.
You look at the Boss. "While you worry about getting him. We also need to focus on putting together a cr-"
"Already on that." Rick said from behind you.
"JESUS CHRIST HOW LONG WERE YOU STANDING THERE?!"
Hilda sighs. "I'll help you."
You look at Hilda with a smile. "Thanks... and sorry my homies aren't exactly what you'd call the greatest."
Hilda smiles back. "Nah, don't worry about it."
The two of you walk ahead, leaving the two idiots to grab some weapons and follow.
You reach the door to the armory.
You look inside with eyes wide. "Jesus there's a shitload of guns."
The Boss looks at you. "Go grab what you can. I'm going to try and jam the controls."
You nod.
You begin to separate out the various weapons, dropping them on the floor.
You listen as an angry tech genius immediately started berating the Boss for using the term "jam".
You pick up an assault rifle, holding it in your hands.
"Have you picked anything up Rick?" The Boss asks.
"Yeah I think I got something."
"Good, load it up!"
You look at the screen and watch as Robotnik was forcing Goku's wife, Chi-Chi, to suck his penis.
"Rick, turn that off." Hilda commands.
You turn to Rick. "Yes please do... and get me eyebleach."
Rick rolls his eyes. "Oh my god, it's not the first time you people have seen fuckin'."
You turn to face him. "Doesn't mean I necessarily want to look at this and have this image burned in my retinas!"
"Whatever," Rick says rolling his eyes.
You put your hands on your hips and shake your head. "Butt out kid."
Rick sighs and turns to the screen.
You turn to Hilda just as Goku entered the room through Instant Transmission, his expression being one of rage.
"Where's Robotnik?!" He shouted. "I can't sense his energy and you've seen what he has done to my wife!"
"S... stop!" She says. Dr. Robotnik grabs her head and shoves it onto his penis enough force to bruise her throat.
You watch as Goku turns towards the screen with a look of horror.
"CHI-CHI!" Goku cries out.
You turn your head as you hear a loud crack. You see the Boss slumped over his desk, his hands clutching his throat. A red liquid is leaking out of a hole in his neck.
You look at the Boss and immediately reach for a Senzu Bean.
There's none left. Everyone else had already filled their pockets before he was murdered.
"Go." The Boss says taking a deep breath.
You think to yourself on what you can do and realize you still had some chewed up Senzu Bean in your mouth and thus you move to the Boss to give him the old-fashioned baby-bird technique to heal him.
"Why do you do that?" Hilda asks you, disgusted. She hands the boss a Senzu Bean and pushes it down his throat. "Just do that."
You look at Hilda with a sheepish expression. "Yeah I could do that. Unfortunately I'm always the unlucky one who runs out of Senzu so I have to think quickly."
"Because you always eat all of the the Senzu Beans before you actually need to." Hilda points out. "They're not fucking candy."
You open your mouth to say something but then you realize Hilda's right. "That's a good point actually. I need to work on breaking that habit."
"Guys?" Goku said. "If you're done talking about this, head over to me, we have to leave this area now!"
You turn to face Goku before then turning to see Leap and his family getting ready to leap through the window. You then turn back to Hilda.
"Well I don't know about you but I'm definitely with Goku on this one." You say.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm leaving too." Hilda replies.
You turn to see the Vic stans approaching as more appear through the holes in the wall.
You immediately run to Goku. "Alright Goku wherever you're gonna take us, please do it now!"
Goku nods before setting two fingers on his forehead. "Hold on everyone!" Goku shouted before he teleported away with everyone in his arms.
... You arrive at Shrek's Swamp.
You land face first on Shrek's outhouse and end up crushing the whole structure.
Everyone else lands in the middle of a swamp. Everyone gets out of everyone's arms as they try to avoid getting their heads stuck in mud or getting eaten alive by mosquitoes.
Shrek looks out of his house. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?!"
You look at Shrek. "Sorry buddy, the Vic-stans invaded the Saints HQ and Goku decided this was the best place to head to."
Goku turned to look at you. "Actually I was aiming for Kami's Lookout." Goku said.
Shrek shook his head. "That's still a million times better than being stuck in this swamp."
Goku nods at Shrek before turning to look at everyone.
You do the same. "Is everyone alright?!" You ask.
Your team starts to respond in the affirmative.
"Good, good, everyone's alright then." You say. "Well, that was pretty risky..."
Goku shrugs. "Something messed with my Instant Transmission."
You think about how odd this is until you come to the obvious realization. "Oh son of a bitch."
You think back to how you first met Oros.
"Kelso's been holding a grudge for over twenty years." You say.
Goku looks at you in confusion.
You shake your head. "Sorry, total brain-fart brought on by the fact that I realized my energy completely fucked up the Instant Transmission."
Goku giggles and ruffles your hair. "No worries man! I don't hold it against you."
You sigh in relief.
"Well, this is the swamp. We might as well stay the night here." You say. "Anyone need anything?"
Fantasia pulls out a little bag.
You look at the Saints member called Fantasia. "What's that you got there?"
"A present for you my lord." She replies giving you the bag.
You look inside and see a lump of gold. "Uh... Thanks?"
"My lord, I'll set up the camp."
You watch as immediately the Boss holds up a shotgun and blows Fantasia's brains out.
"Too close." The Boss said as he holstered the gun.
Your team looks on in horror.
"Well, better set up the camp then." You say.
You begin to unpack the tents and begin to organize your things.
Hilda looks at the boss in horror. "We're supposed to be helping people, not killing them!" She looks at Fantasia's body, and begins to tear up over the loss of a human being.
You look at the Boss. "I'm with Hilda, seriously the hell man?!"
The Boss shrugged. "Last minute decision. Besides we can use the Dragon Balls to bring everyone back can't we?"
Goku jumped up. "Hey yeah that's right! Though I don't think we should be killing people all willy-nilly. That really doesn't sound good to me."
Hilda is taking the loss a lot harder than someone without a big heart might take a stranger's death. She wasn't just a casualty to Hilda.
You look at her.
You set a hand on her shoulder as a sign of comfort and solidarity. You knew better than to say something since right now, there was nothing you really could say. You also flashed a glare at the Boss who simply shrugged and walked off.
You looked at the rest of your team members to see if any of them were going to say anything, but they kept their heads down, none of them wanting to be the first to anger their leader.
"Is this what the Saints do?" Hilda asks. "Kill people for the hell of it?"
"This is what we do." The Boss says walking over.
You pinch the bridge of your nose and sigh. "Except the difference is this ain't some simulation and preserving life is more important." You mutter to yourself before moving to set up your tent.
Gat shrugs. "Bitches."
You turn to Shrek who you see is looking at everyone setting up the tents with a face full of concern.
"Hey guys..." Shrek said. "You know you can bunk in my house if ya want. It's big enough for all of you."
"Oh really?" You ask.
"Yeah."
You think about it and then nod. "K. Let's do that."
"Yeah!" Shrek says gleefully.
You watched as Shrek opened his door and everyone made their way inside with you and Hilda being the last ones to enter.
It's not long before the door is shut and you can hear Shrek loudly mumbling about how empty his house was.
Hilda looks at you. "They are murderers. Your friends are murderers."
You turn to face her. "The Saints? Yeah, yeah they are though as unfortunate as it is. They're some of the best fighters we got... well until we pick up more that is."
Hilda doesn't answer; she just sighs and shakes her head before beginning to pull off her boots.
"Don't." You say.
"What?" Hilda asks. "There are no spiders on the floor."
You look down. "Indeed there are no spiders, there are however two snakes." You say as you point to two large snakes that were currently circling each other in the center of the room.
"Snakes?" Hilda asks. "Those are Shrek's pet snakes. They're not toe-biters."
You watch as Shrek enters the room with a face very much like a parent.
"Slyther? Slime? What are ya doin' there?" Shrek asked as he gathered his pet snakes. "Come on now, since when did Daddy teach ya to bother the guests?"
"They weren't bothering me." You say.
You watch as Shrek let out a chuckle.
"Oh ya can't lie to me Dakt." Shrek said. "I know how you get around these lil fellas."
You sheepishly nod your head. "Y-yeah I know. I'm sorry, S-slyther, I'll go over there." You say.
"No need to be sorry."
You look up at Shrek.
Hilda sets her boots by the door. "I think I'm going to sleep. Shrek, may I ask if there's a guest room?"
"Sure thing lass," Shrek replies. "'Guest room' is a bit of a stretch, since it's not... I don't really have guests."
You let out a long sigh as you let yourself flop back on the bed.
"Daktraem," Hilda says.
You raise an eyebrow. "Hm?"
"Why are you so trusting of complete strangers?"
You let out a sigh. "Bad past."
"Oh." Hilda replies.
You shrug. "It doesn't matter."
"You trusted me when I first saved you from that simulation." Hilda recounts. "But then again, I trusted Quigley. Well, he WAS an excellent surgeon; he just... seemed to turn to chud after something struck against his deep-seated beliefs."
You look at Hilda. "I didn't see any reason why I shouldn't. You clearly looked like someone who was friendly and wanted to help. Plus I sensed your energy and saw you seemed nice."
You continue on. "As for Quigley? Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if it was something as stupid as he saw The Last Jedi and then something snapped inside him."
"I wonder if there are more men that I've befriended that have turned to chud. I don't keep up with human society as much anymore because of... shit like this."
"As I said, it doesn't matter. You've been nothing but nice so far."
Hilda smiles.
"Damn, Daktraem. When you gonna bed her, man?" A voice asks, Gat peeking his head into the room.
"I'm 16 years old." Hilda says, finally losing patience.
"Ah, right you are. Forgive me." Gat says as he quickly hops out of the room and closes the door behind him.
You are about to lay your head back when suddenly your attention is taken by the sound of a door being flung open.
"SORRY EVERYBODY!" Shrek exclaims as he began to run outside. "THAT EYEBALL AND PEELED SKIN PIE AIN'T SITTIN' WELL!"
You immediately sit up in bed at the sound of an angry slam.
"WHO DESTROYED MY OUTHOUSE?!" You hear Shrek shout angrily with his tone changing very quickly after that. "Oh no, oh it's comin'! Oh that shit's comin'!" You immediately plug your nose for what was about to happen was gonna be most foul.
You hear a massive rant followed by angry feet stomping and the shouting of curses.
"That is one pissed off ogre." Hilda says.
She climbs into one of the beds in the 'guest' room and relaxes. "This is gonna stink."
You are about to say something when the shockingly loud sounds of farts as well as fluid and diarrhea oozing out of Shrek's buttocks caused you to pause.
"AAAAARGH!" He shouts.
You retch almost immediately at the stench that filled your nostrils.
You start waving your hand back and forth and coughing. "Oh damn it Shrek! What did you eat man?!"
Hilda seems to have steeled herself against it, but even she has a clear disgusted expression.
You try your best to do the same as Hilda but eventually, you couldn't bear it much longer so you went to the open window that happened to be nearby and began to vomit.
You start to sit down and then you hear the final bellow of sorts from Shrek.
"FINE! I'M FILLING UP THE BUCKET!"
You can hear various pained shrieks, groans and gagging from the various Saints who chose to sleep outside. You retch again. "Hilda."
"What?"
"I'm gonna puke."
Hilda looks at you with confusion. "... What am I supposed to do with this information?"
You wasted no time and rushed outside and then started vomiting profusely to the point you even dropped to your knees.
The smell wasn't nearly as bad in the open air as you thought it was gonna be.
You hear the heavy steps of your ogre friend returning and sit down on the muddy ground.
Shrek sits down next to you.
You look up at Shrek. "Sorry about the outhouse man."
Shrek chuckles.
"Don't be. It's part of my home. I think the smell would bother me if I didn't like it."
You begin to laugh as well.
You stop laughing. "No seriously, I'm sorry about the outhouse."
"It's not a problem." Shrek said with a smile. "I mean sure it's upsettin' but I can always build another one."
"You sure that's a good idea?"
"Nah, I'm gonna have to tear the entire forest down but I think a well built underground shit station would be doable."
You laugh again.
You laugh for a little while longer before making your way inside, ready to turn in for the night.
You come up to the bed and let yourself fall face-first onto it and let sleep overtake you.
The next morning you wake up and feel sore in pretty much every bone in your body but you're glad to have slept well in one go.
You take your time stretching and walking outside.
You see Hilda exercising outside. She woke up earlier to spend the morning training.
"Hey." You say walking up.
"Hey yourself." She says, not even bothering to turn around.
You crack your neck and stretch some more. "So how are you feelin'?" You ask Hilda.
"I'm fine."
You smile. "Good so I uh see you're getting some training in." You say looking at her sword. "You should be careful with that thing. You probably want to swing it not throw it."
"Are you my instructor?" She questions, irritated.
You realize what you just said and change the subject. "I was wondering if maybe I could join you on that training."
"I don't have time to train you."
"It's not for fighting. I just..."
"I said I don't have time!" Hilda yells.
You back away, kind of surprised by Hilda's response but then you remember that this whole situation has been pretty heavy so you decide it'd be best to move away. Luckily for you, a certain other person was awake.
"Oh hey Dakteam!" Goku said while stretching. "Glad to see you're up."
"Same to you." You say. "Actually with that in mind I've been meaning to ask you something."
"What's that?"
"Do you think Shrek would be willing to train me?"
You watch as Goku holds one hand up to his chin.
"You know I'm not sure." Goku began. "Also even if he was willing, you sure that training would be worthwhile?"
You raise an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
"I mean he's obviously not a fighter nor does he have any knowledge of fighting, not that I know of. I mean, he beat Hercule, but that's not a big hurdle, admittedly. What would you even..."
You hear big footsteps coming behind you.
"Now what's this talk about me not being a fighter laddie?" Shrek asked with his hands on his hips. "Are you my new student?"
"Um...well..." you stammer.
"I used to be a trainer once, if you recall."
You feel your eyes flutter open a few times. "Wait, what?"
Goku just scratched his head. "Yeah I'm not sure I follow."
Shrek smirked. "You know that one lass who's with ya, Hilda? We once went on an adventure together and in that time I trained her in some special Ogre-arts."
"Wait. You jumped from trees and fought people?" You say.
"I did." Shrek confirmed. "Though as far as I know, I'm the only one who can claim that particular skill."
You couldn't help but raise a finger to that at the same time as Goku. "Actually I'm sure Naruto also did th-"
"Well as far as I knew anyways." Shrek interjected. "Besides, we ain't talkin' simple humans and ninja tricks. Look at me, did ya really expect that a big ogre like me would be able to do all that?"
You bite your tongue and quickly shake your head.
"Ah, got ya." Shrek said with a smile.
Hilda walks over. Despite her intense training, she doesn't seem very winded.
"Shit. You've been working out." You say.
You immediately berate yourself mentally for saying something so obvious. Hilda sighs, this time Shrek is much more aware of the situation.
"Hm, I see a certain attraction there." Shrek says with a knowing twinkle in his eyes.
Hilda is beginning to feel unwelcome with your homies. "I'm 16 years old." She reminds Shrek.
"Well, being a Vic is kind of normalized in our culture." You admit. "I can see why lapses of judgement like that happen."
You look at Shrek who simply raises a hand to you while he looks at Hilda with an embarrassed look.
"Right sorry there Hilda." Shrek said sheepishly. "Sometimes stickin' to me swamp doesn't give me much in the way of proper human interaction."
"Sheesh Shrek, you of all people should know how being introverted you are." You remark.
Shrek only nods in agreement.
You were about to say something more when Goku came forth.
"Um sorry to interrupt guys but this Shriek guy was about to show something cool so I was hoping we'd get a move on."
"Shriek?" Shrek asked as he set his hands on his hips. "Wait, don't tell me you genuinely didn't know my name Goku."
"Um, no I honestly didn't." Goku said.
You watch as Shrek let out a sigh. "Well I guess it can't be helped sometimes."
"So show us what you were so excited about then." Hilda says.
Shrek nods.
You then watch as Shrek then began to take off his vest.
"I hope you're ready for this." Shrek began as he put his arms to the side. "My power can sometimes be quite overwhelming."
Goku raised an eyebrow and started to show more interest. "Overwhelming? How so?"
Shrek smirked. "Just watch."
You watched as Shrek nodded. "Alright let's see what you got kid."
You watch as Goku smirked and before you knew it, Goku made an immediate charge for Shrek who blocked his fist with relative ease.
"Impressive." Shrek said. "It's only the first strike and yet I feel a tinglin' in my palm."
Goku chuckled. "Just wait, you might be feeling somethin' more."
Shrek let out a chuckle of his own. "Sounds interestin'. In that case, come at me with everythin' you got."
Goku nodded and punched Shrek in the stomach, who again blocked it with relative ease.
"Ooh lad, that felt strong." Shrek said rubbing his stomach.
You watch as Shrek smirked again before landing a devastating punch to Goku which sent him flying through a tree.
"Good thing my gut can take it." Shrek said before then entering a proper fighting stance.
Goku got up and charged at Shrek who easily caught him in a headlock. "You're already dyin' aren't ya?"
You watch as Goku chuckled.
"Dyin'? I'm just getting warmed up!" Goku exclaimed before launching his elbow into Shrek's rib, causing him to let go of the Saiyan.
Shrek spat out some blood and landed two swift punches to Goku's face before he could recover.
Hilda has decided to spar with you. "I've been watching you and you're no match for Shrek."
"Where do you get that idea?" You ask.
Hilda sends her knee into your face before backhanding you across the head. "You didn't even sense that."
You immediately steady yourself and let out a chuckle. "So I guess you changed your mind about the training idea?"
Hilda lets out a sigh. "Yeah, I guess. But before, I thought that you were about to ask me to 'guide' you. This requires little guidance."
You realize you dialed up the cockiness too much. "Sorry."
You then shift your attention to Goku and Shrek who are currently trading blows which leads to you being so enamored by their speed and power and feel for some reason your confidence raising and so you ask for literally the dumbest thing you possibly could. "Hey Goku! Shrek! I'm ready for my training!"
Shrek and Goku both look at you with smiles.
"Really? Awesome!" Goku said.
You smirk. "Though if you don't mind, I have only one request for the both of you."
"What's that?" Shrek asked.
You take a deep breath and ask the dumb question.
You get into a fighting stance. "I want you both to come at me with everything you got and yes, I mean EVERYTHING!"
Goku and Shrek both look at each other with Shrek being the one to break the ice. "You sure?"
You keep smirking. "Yeah. In fact, I'm going to face your full power with nothing but my base form."
Hilda just looks on and facepalms. "Are you sure?"
You look back at Hilda. "Hey there's no worries. They're both not gonna kill me and besides, I'm thinking if I'm gonna start training, I should start small which is why I'm facing the toughest of fights in nothing but my base form."
Goku and Shrek both nod and turn their attention back to you.
Hilda looks at you with confusion and irritation on her face. "That is not how 'starting small' works!"
"Why not? From what I know, it's the only way I could have realistically expected to have already defeated both Shrek and Goku." You say.
Hilda just lets out an exasperated sigh and shakes her head.
You watch as Goku chuckled.
"Hoo boy. That almost sounds like a certain Saiyan Prince I know." Goku commented with a grin.
"Indeed." Shrek replied with a chuckle. "Looks like the laddie's gettin' a little big for his britches. Should we still indulge him?" Goku turned to Shrek.
"At least for a little bit." Goku replied. "Trust me, I know his kind. Moments like these are usually good humbling exercises." Shrek nodded in response and with that the pair began to power up.
"You sure you can take them?" Hilda asks.
"I can." You say. "I faced worse than this."
"Well, I guess we'll see."
You watch with awe. When it comes to Goku it's basically what you'd expect as he went from base Super Saiyan all the way up to Super Saiyan God Super Saiyan but as for Shrek? It's not at all what you expected. You watched as the ogre screamed and growled, his big ogre-frame bulking up tremendously into monstrously large muscles that easily tore through his shirt. His head, which was already huge, began to resemble a large ogre's head with large tusks. His skin became as hard as stone. His body became as fast as lightning.
Hilda feels the weight of his power... and compares it to yours. "Dakteam, are you seriously going to do this?!"
"Am I tough enough?" you reply.
"No! No you are not!" Hilda replies.
You smirk.
You ignore Hilda as you enter a fighting stance and instead turn your attention towards Goku. "Hey Goku! You sure you wanna stick with just the blue hair? Because I know you got that Kaioken stored up in there."
Goku turned to you with a face of concern. "Sorry Dakt but that isn't gonna happen. I think then I'd actually be too much for you." You just giggle.
"Nonsense Goku. I think it'd just make for a better fight." You said. Goku thought for a moment before then shrugging.
"Okay, if you insist." Goku began right as he channeled a flaming red aura around him. "KAIOKEN TIMES FORTY!" he yelled as he began to rush towards you at an alarming speed.
You are about to smirk and respond when you notice Goku's fist millimeters away from your face.
You don't even have the time to breathe when Goku's fist collided with your face with the force of the impact sending you through several dozen trees. You crash into the last few wooden trunks and are left half-buried. You groan in pain but notice that the two combatants' auras are still visible. "I think that's enough, Goku." Shrek says, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Huh, see? Dakteam, you gotta stop pulling cocky stunts like that." Goku scolds.
You try to maneuver yourself out of the rubble and spit out a tooth. "YOU KIDDING ME?!" You shout. "I'M ALL FIRED UP NOW! LET'S GO!"
"Sorry buddy." Goku began. "Shrek's ri-" You interrupt him with a punch of your own which made direct contact with Goku's face... but it not only caused no damage, he didn't even move an inch.
Shrek begins laughing uncontrollably. "That was pathetic, even I couldn't stop your slow slide into extinction."
"Shrek, please." Goku says. "He's just being arrogant. He'll cool down."
You feel your sense returning to you right as Goku delivered a vicious kick straight to your gut. You collapse again coughing up blood.
Shrek picks you up by the scruff of your neck. "Okay, laddie, time to get you a Senzu Bean."
You turn to look at Shrek once you've fully recovered. "Okay on second thought. Let's go for something more sensible."
Shrek put a hand on your shoulder. "Good idea. Hopefully this has been a good learnin' experience for both your sake... and hers." You don't really have time to ask anything when you see Hilda stiffly walking towards you, serious and angry. "We were going to spar before your complete loss of common sense."
You rub the back of your head and look around confused. "Complete loss is very right because honestly, I have no idea what came over me."
"Yeah, that happens." Hilda says, tired of your bullshit. "Now let's spar."
You nod as you get into your fighting stance. "Right."
Goku stops the both of you before you get a chance to spar. "Actually if you don't mind, maybe Shrek and I can also join in on this little spar session?"
You look at him, and Shrek gives a nod. "Sure, why not. Sparring is sparring."
Goku nods. "Be careful." He says and leaves. "I'll be back with Senzu Beans."
"Oh, Hilda will be fine"-
"I'm talking about you, Dakteam!" Goku says with a laugh.
Hilda sighs.
You look at Goku sheepishly. "Oh... right."
Hilda stands in front of you. Her expression cannot be easily read.
You just look Hilda in the eyes while you rub the back of your head. "So uh... how much power are you gonna be putting into your strikes?"
Hilda doesn't answer; she instead moves forward and her fist almost collides with your face. "Woah!" You shout, falling on your ass.
You immediately get back up. "Okay so judging from that blow, I'm thinkin' like... maybe about a third of your power?"
"A third?" Hilda asks, sighing. "You are extremely bad at reading people's current power at a glance."
You shrug in admittance. "Yeah this is a new thing for me. I hope I'll get better though!"
Hilda looks at you, and once again you cannot tell what she thinks.
Once again she moves forward and hits you. This time you are prepared though and manage to block the punch.
You look into Hilda's eyes. "So I'm guessin' that's around the 30% range?"
She laughs. "If it were 30% of my full power... this planet would be gone."
You look at her with a face full of shock. "Seriously?! You have that much power?!"
"Well, the planet would be gone, and that's putting the damage lightly; so would part of the..."- She shrugs. "I train at less than my base form."
You stare blankly for a few moments. "Something tells me I should probably stop trying to pinpoint how much power you're using and should just fight more seriously."
"You should."
You both stare at each other. You try to think up something to break the ice. "So what grade are you in?"
"What does that-"
You charge for her. "Caught you off-guard!" You shout as you try to punch her only to be surprised when she simply caught your fist.
"I train my reaction times; that biofeedback jacket I gave you uses the same technology I built for myself to train with."
"So... you have Ultra Ultra Instinct?"
You barely have time to blink when Hilda slammed you into the ground with one kick to the chest.
"...r you are so fast." You manage to choke out.
Goku is fascinated by Hilda's speed and technique. Compared to you she is like a sledgehammer vs. a piece of nonreinforced glass.
You stand up and immediately charge for Hilda and launch into a flurry of punches and kicks that Hilda was effortlessly dodging. It makes you realize that she really is ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra ultra-
"Hey, Dakteam, back to the fight." She reminds you.
That's right, you need to fight seriously. You can't let yourself be intimidated by her or lose your cool.
You end up taking a hard punch to the face which staggers you back.
You feel your train of thought being interrupted by multiple punches and kicks to your face by Hilda. She then grabs your head and punches you in the chin it as her foot slams into your shin.
You snap back to reality and go for a sweep kick. Hilda blocks it and throws a couple of quick punches.
You grunt and groan with pain before you then feel Hilda's mighty foot landing a vicious blow on your chin. You try to block it but your arms were far too tired from all the punching she did.
You see the stars and momentarily blackout before you are sent flying into a nearby thick tree stump. You bounce off and collapse on the floor.
"Holy fuck." You curse as you force yourself up.
Hilda lands another kick to your face which sends you rolling across the muddy floor.
You manage to stop yourself and immediately you power up and charge toward Hilda with fists drawn back ready to strike.
Hilda bats you aside with one hand and punches you with the other.
You scream as you find yourself embedded in a giant boulder.
"Heh... heh... heh..." You breathe. "Holy hell... okay, that hurt." You say. "But it felt good actually."
You then feel hard fists to your face and you go down.
"Lightning fists, it was a long time since I've used that move."
"Lightning fists? Since when did yo-" You were cut off by another fist to your gut.
You cough and splutter as you try to catch your breath again.
"It's an old move." Hilda said boredly.
"You're acting as though this is easy for you even though you are clearly getting your shit kicked out of your body." Hilda says.
You attempt to think up a clever answer but you lack the energy.
"'Felt good'? Kinky, Daktraem." Gat says as he walks outside.
Hilda seems... tense. "I'm 16 years old." She says, tired of explaining and defending and just this bullshit in general.
You pay no mind to Gat as you force yourself up. "Eh, sometimes I find it's good to try and psych yourself up to ignore the feeling of cracked bones... and potentially popped blood vessels." You say.
You get up, but then shriek in pain as you knees buckle from the pain.
"Oh goddamn my knees are broken." You groan. "Shit.
As you lie there on the floor, Hilda does her best to help you up and prop you up.
You feel your body heal as she helps you up. "Hilda, are you doing this?"
"I have psychic abilities; yes, but you should still take a Senzu Bean."
"Not now." You say. "I mean I can still fly at least and my arms aren't broken. I think I can keep going like this for at least a little while longer."
"... Okay." Hilda says and helps you up.
You hear a shuffle and snarl as you look over to your right and see that the fairytale creatures have made their way into the house.
"Oh no." Shrek says as he goes to grab a broom. "Oy! Get outta there!"
You pay no mind to that and immediately ascend high into the sky before holding both hands out. "Alright." You say to yourself. "I've gotta clear my mind and focus." You start channeling energy into your palms.
You begin to glow a bright red and the fairytales creatures quickly jump out of the way to avoid being hit as you fire a barrage of beams straight up.
Hilda didges the beams with no reaction. She charges towards you, and punches you in the gut so hard that she launches you across the sky.
"Ahhhhh!" You scream.
You immediately stop yourself from falling and charge towards Hilda again and launch into another barrage of punches that she was dodging. However, this time she grabs your hand and the both of you were sent flying into a nearby wall, Hilda running along the wall and jumping back into the air.
You hit the wall so hard that you imagine your bones shattering and you collapse to the floor.
You immediately start puking up blood before you force yourself back up into the sky.
"Okay." You thought to yourself as you held your hands to your side. "This time let's do this right. Just focus, concentrate and feel the energy flowing through you."
You did just that as you felt the power of your magic coursing through your veins.
You were about to release another volley of punches, but you felt your wrists grabbed and twisted.
"Shit!" You shout. "Ki energy, why must you hurt me?!" You soon found yourself tumbling to the ground.
You felt your back hit the floor and you quickly rolled onto your stomach and looked up at Hilda.
"Okay..." You huff out. "I think I'll take that Senzu Bean now."
Hilda throws a Senzu Bean down, which you catch.
You immediately chow down on the Senzu Bean and feel yourself surging back to full strength. "Okay I'm ready to go again."
Hilda flies towards you, but this time, you feel as though you can catch her off-guard.
As she reaches you, you toss her into a nearby wall. She jumps off of the wall and flies towards you again.
This time rather than go on the offensive, you realize the best tactic is to be on the defensive so you block her strike and just when an opening presents itself, you manage to land a great punch to Hilda's gut.
Hilda reacts with an expression of surprise.
You seize the moment of opportunity and decide to use a move from one of your favorite fighting games.
"TATSUMAKI SENPUKYAKU!" You shout as you proceed to spin with your leg outstretched. Unfortunately for you, while you land the first two strikes, you end up spinning way too fast and wind up flinging yourself into a stone. You smash into the stone quite painfully and get sent spiraling to the ground.
While you were busy spinning, Hilda just stares at you with complete confusion. She then says, "Hadouken!" and fires a hadouken at you, which you block.
After you regain your bearings, you decide to try another move from one of your favorite video games and so you curled into a ball and revved yourself up.
"That... is not proper form for a Spin Dash." Hilda says.
You barely hear her say the last word as you wind up flinging yourself backward.
You guess this would be the part where you hit Hilda.
... Except you don't.
You crash into the same stone that you Tatsumaki Senpukyaku'd into.
Hilda watches you, and is beginning to question if you are taking this seriously.
You pick yourself up, but you do so very slowly.
For someone who is known for their... (what are you known for?), you've got a lot of growing to do.
You decide to try a different move. For this one, you ran ridiculously fast towards Hilda and drew your fist back. "FALCON..." You smile as your fist begins to catch fire and the beak shape of the falcon began to form and once you were inches away from Hilda, you were ready to strike. "PAWNCH!" Unfortunately for you, things went south fast when instead of the epic punch that would've knocked Hilda away, you wound up setting yourself on fire.
"Oi! What the hell are you doing!" Shrek yells. "You'll start a forest fire!"
You back away from the fire and set yourself alight once again.
You quickly take off into the sky and search for a nearby river which you immediately dive into to douse yourself.
Hilda seems... demoralized. "Are you not taking this seriously? Once you landed a hit, you just went completely off the fucking edge and began to throw techniques at me you haven't even practiced!"
"I am!" You say as you pull a starfish off your face. "I just got a little too excited is all."
"Hey cut the guy some slack." Goku said as he raised up behind Hilda. "He is still learning after all."
Hilda's perspective changes a bit.
Goku sets one hand on Hilda's shoulder. "In fact, how about I take a crack at sparring with him now?"
Hilda seems to be on the fence.
"I'll even go easy on him, so that he can get the feel of what we go through here."
Hilda sighs and nods her head. "He's fragile."
Goku chuckles. "Maybe a little bit but to give him credit, I was there when he tanked many hits by the Grinch."
"That was different." Hilda said. "That fucker wasn't as powerful right away once he was revived; once the Grinch got his bearings back, Dakteam nearly died. And the Grinch was toying with him. Then again, I have been training and sparring for most of my life with someone named Saitama."
"WHAT?!" You ask.
Goku simply ignored you and nodded at Hilda. "That's true but he still put up a good fight. Look I know what you're trying to say and I agree with you. In terms of skill he's... not necessarily there but trust me when I say that he's got the potential and I think I can help bring that out."
Goku sets his other hand on Hilda's shoulder and looks her in the eye.
"You trust me right?" Goku asks.
"I trust you, but I don't trust Dakteam to not be the end of his own life on accident against you."
Goku laughs. "No worries! It'll be fine!"
Hilda, still on the fence about all this, decides to walk to the side.
"Well, if you're sure."
Goku turns back to you.
"Alright Dakteam." Goku said as he got into his fighting stance. "You read-huh? What are you doing?"
"SHIIINNNKKKUUU..." You begin as you generate a blue energy ball in your hand. "HADOUKEN!" Unfortunately rather than firing an actual Hadouken, you wind up simply creating a burst of energy that just sends you flying backward into the river you were just in.
"Ha ha! Nice try!" Shrek laughs as you struggle to get out of the river.
You shake yourself off before then charging for Goku with fists drawn back.
"Let's rock." You say.
"Alrighty then!"
Goku charges up his palms before sending a large gust of wind at you.
You end up being sent flying by the weaponized wind into a tree.
"I see how you are!" Shrek laughs. "It's not easy bein' greasy."
"Fuck you..." You groan as you push yourself up.
Goku charges down toward with a mighty battle cry and launches into a series of powerful punches that are hitting you in the stomach and chest. You try to fight back but every time you manage to grab one of his punches and twist his arm or slam your palm into the side of his head, he's already sent out another blast of wind or launched another punch at you.
"Come on." Goku said. "I know you can do better than that."
"Yeah." You say with a smirk. "I know. SHORYUK-"
"You mind fightin' me seriously?" Goku said as he pulled his fist from your gut, leaving you to collapse to your knees.
You nod.
Goku smiles. "Good." Before you know it he immediately has delivered a devastating punch to your jaw.
Even with that being the most powerful blow you've ever received it isn't enough to knock you out. There's something about it that feels 'right' that times when you've been hit harder didn't.
You immediately charge towards Goku and launch into a flurry of punches and kicks. To his credit he manages to block nearly all of them, but he is pushed slightly back.
"I don't think you've really felt the full power of Son Goku yet." He says.
"I'm not?" You say as your eyes widen.
Goku smirks. "If you want I can show you mo-"
"And have you beat me right away? No way!" You shout. "Let's take things slow."
You grin as you take a fighting stance.
Goku stares at you. "Grin's a lil cocky but other than that I like the attitude so far!"
"Thanks, that means a lot coming from-"
Goku cut you off with a punch to the face, causing you to stumble backwards.
"Right." You begin. "Less talky, more fighty" You barely have the time to raise your arms up when Goku launched into a series of rapid-fire punches but much to both the surprise of you and Goku. You're... actually blocking his strikes!
However it isn't just that, you've been keeping up and even finding success by landing your own attacks.
You look towards Hilda to see if she's impressed. She looks at you with a sigh. "Focus on the fight."
Your grin shifts into a frown before you shift your attention back to the fight just in time to catch both of Goku's fists. You retaliate by launching a vicious headbutt into his face which causes him to stumble backward.
You rush forward with a double-handfuls worth of punches to his stomach. You're really letting him have it when you feel something sharp hit your arm. Goku used a pressure point.
Goku giggled nervously as you stood in place for a few moments. "Sorry buddy, maybe that was a little too mu-" Goku's cut off by you slamming your elbow into his chest. He gets knocked down but manages to roll out of the way before you could hit him again.
Goku wastes no time in picking up the pace as he lands a pretty brutal spin-kick to the side of your neck which sent you flying into, and you couldn't believe it, the exact same stone you had Tatsumaki Senpukyaku'd into.
You slump down on top of it, dazed. Goku stands over top of you with a nasty smile.
"Ah, that's what I like to see! A nice bloodthirsty fight! Now it's time for me to show off more of what I can do!" He says with a smirk.
You launch yourself from the stone in a huff and land a brutal dropkick that Goku easily blocked. You rush towards him, punching wildly. He blocks some of them, others get through and he takes a few hits.
Seeing one of his punches got through, he lets out a laugh. "You're pretty good."
You smirk. "You really think so?"
Goku nods. "In fact, if you don't mind. I'd like to crank things up a bit."
Your eyes widen for a moment but it was only a moment for almost immediately after that your expression changed to a smirk. "I think that's fair. Just don't overdo it."
Goku chuckled. "Don't worry, I'll crank things up slowly. In fact, how about I start with a little Kaioken?!"
And with that, that's exactly what he did.
After that day, things would never be the same for you and your friends...
Goku towered over you, your body bloodied and broken. Just as he was about to give you some serious head trauma, Hilda jumped in and punched him across the wilderness, and he crashed into a mountain miles away.
She helps you stand up, handing you a Senzu Bean. "Are you... are you even cognizant of the world around you?" She asks.
You look up at her, and slowly begin to stand up, before putting the bean in your mouth and lying back down. "Yeah... I think I am."
Suddenly, Goku Instant Transmissions back to you location and tries to kick Hilda; she dodges and blocks another punch. "Goku, not"- She begins to say, before blocking a punch; Goku's smirk only deepens as he fights. "This is the best training I've had in a while!" He says, in that self-assured prideful voice he sometimes slipped into.
Hilda is very pissed. "No, I'm not fighting you."
You immediately stand up and power up. "But he is DEFINITELY fighting me!" You shout right before you tackled him. You two begin fighting, each landing punch after punch after kick after hit.
Hilda stands, watching the two of you fight.
You land a vicious punch to Goku's face. He begins to retaliate by flipping you over, only to have Hilda kick him in the chest and knock him back. "Don't kill him!" She says.
"Hilda!" You shout. "It's okay. I can handle this."
Goku attempts to tackle you, but you catch his leg and throw him into a tree.
You immediately chase after him and started to trade punches and kicks with Goku. "You can't win!" He shouts as he hits you.
"Sure I can." You grunt.
"No, you can't!"
"Sure I can."
You immediately block another one of Goku's strikes and retaliate with a roundhouse kick to his chest. He falls backwards, and you grab him by the shirt collar. You begin to lift him up, before he grabs your wrist and twists your arm so that you kick the ground and you fall on top of him.
You shriek in pain right as Goku hits you in the face with his foot which sends you flying into the air. You land in a pile of leaves, and get up slowly. "Come on, you're not going to just stand there doing nothing." He says as begins to walk towards you.
"Hey!" Hilda shouts. "This is not sparring! This is brutalizing!"
You grin as you begin to channel your energy into a golden aura that appeared around you. "AND I LIKE IT!"
Goku smirks. "You want to take things higher? That's fine by MEEE!" He screamed that last line right as he entered his iconic Super Saiyan transformation.
With your fighting instincts taking over you don't think, you just react.
You lunge at Goku and punch him in the face with all of your fury. He falls backwards and lands on the ground as he backs away from you.
Hilda flies up, and decides to join the fight to make sure that it doesn't become too brutal.
Goku wipes a thin line of blood from his mouth. "Incredible! You're really getting the hang of things!" You don't respond and instead you jam your knee up into Goku's stomach. Unfortunately for you, he catches this strike and retaliates by slamming his elbow down into your knee.
It's enough that you let go of the attack and certainly with the shriek of pain you let out, it was enough for Hilda to immediately try and step in but it wasn't enough to take you out of it for before Hilda could interrupt. You responded to Goku's strike by landing a vicious punch to his face which sent him flying through the air. Then with a roar of fury, you charge after him.
Goku barely had time to react when you landed yet another devastating blow to his face which sent him flying down to the ground. Unfortunately for you, he landed on his feet and was back up again with a fierce gleam in his eye.
"I'm impressed Dakt. You are really something else right now." Goku's brow then furrowed as he brought his hands back. "But tell me, do you think you're strong enough to handle a full-powered Kamehameha Wave?"
Hilda sighs. "No, he isn't."
You respond to Goku's question by powering up. "GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT!"
Goku smirks as he begins to say those famous words. "Kaaaa..."
Hilda sighs. "No."
Goku continues. "Meeee..."
Hilda grunts. "No."
You watch as a rippling, electrifying blue ball of energy developed in Goku's hands all the while the volume of his voice increased. "Haaaa..."
"Goku, no!" Shrek shouts, waking up and stumbling out of his bed. "You're going to kill the kid!"
Hilda is beginning to look enraged. "This is really fucking reckless."
"Yes." You shout as you begin to power up. "Yes! YES! YES!"
"Meeee..." Shrek's expression changed from mild concern to just full blown worry. He could tell just from how violently the ground was shaking at this point that if that beam were to hit Dakteam? There wouldn't even be a body.
Hilda was done.
"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR GOKU?!" You shouted. "FIRE IT!"
"HAAAAAAA!" And with that shout, a gigantic blue beam came hurtling from Goku's hands towards you. It was quite possibly one of the most massive Kamehameha waves to ever be seen, the kind that most would run the fuck away from. However you were in the zone, you felt your blood pumping and so rather than run, you held your hands out, ready to counter this behemoth of an energy wave.
Hilda moved in... there was a flash of bright light. You close your eyes, realizing that this might have been a really dumb idea... and then you open them. The beam has been encapsulated into a blue orb, floating in front of Hilda's hands. "Okay, the sparring is done. Let's go inside and get breakfast." Hilda says, as she absorbs the ball of energy. She then land on the ground and walks inside, completely done with this shit.
You power down. "What? What just happened?"
"Kamewow." Shrek said.
Goku powered down and followed after Hilda. "Hold on, can I have that back please?"
You stand outside with Shrek.
"Why did she stop me?" You ask Shrek who simply set one hand on your shoulder.
"That beam would've killed you." Shrek said bluntly.
"But..."
"It would've killed you. Don't worry, we're going to have our own sparring session later on but right now I want you to head inside and eat something."
You raise a hand. "I'm actually good. Remember Senzu Beans provide the equivalent of ten days worth of energy."
"Oh yeah." Shrek commented. "And to be fair ya did have one. Well, at least join us for breakfast."
You nod and enter the house.
Inside you see that some tables had been set up to have breakfast, on the other side of the dining room you also see Hilda sitting by herself.
You also see Goku literally down on his knees... begging.
"Come on Hilda I'm sorry!" He pleads.
Hilda stares at him with irritation. "Why are you begging for some temporary lost energy? You've probably already regained it by now. In that case, giving this back would probably hurt you."
"It's not really that, it's just I really don't feel comfortable having my energy be with someone else. You understand that don't you?!" Goku asks.
"It would harm your body." Hilda points out.
"Can I at least have the orb? I promise I won't open it." Goku said.
Hilda tosses the orb to Goku who catches it.
"Thanks."
You watch this for a few moments when you hear a familiar voice.
"So, uh..." You turn immediately to see Gat. "Did y-" After hearing that joke so many times, you finally snap.
"No, no, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, in an infinite expanse of NOs from the Dimension of NO with a statue dedicated to their great creator, the God of NO, who wept tears of NO that filled the oceans with NO and brought about billions of creatures who were NO! NO I DID NOT SLEEP WITH A 16 YEAR OLD! I'D NEVER SLEEP WITH A 16 YEAR OLD GAT SO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, DECENT AND KIND IN THIS WORLD JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!" you scream.
Gat is quiet for a moment. "Wow, I didn't realize you had it in you..." He says finally, followed by a few chuckles.
The Boss walks in. "So did y'fuck Hilda yet?"
Hilda gets up, grabs her bowl of oatmeal. "I'm just going to be in the guest room for a bit." She leaves the room.
You immediately turn towards the Boss. "Boss, for five minutes. Can you and your Saints not be disturbing FOR FIVE MINUTES?!"
"Relax, bro. I just got here. We won't bother yo lady friend if that's what's troubling ya."
You feel a blood vessel pop in your eye.
"Boss I say this with all due respect." Pierce began. "I think you might wanna stop talkin' right now."
"What? You need to relax. I'm just getting started."
Gat opens up his mouth to say something.
You turn to Gat. "Not. A. Fucking. Word." You say, staring him down.
You hear a "tsk" from the Boss.
Pierce steps in before anything serious happens.
"Okay, it's clear that tensions are a lil high so maybe we should just eat and destre-"
"Out of the way shitlips." You say as you shove Pierce to the side and step to the Boss. "Sit the fuck down."
The Boss raises his hands up in surrender. "Alright alright, you don't have to bite my head off."
Pierce approaches you. "Yeah man, I mean he may have said somethin' fucked up but I don't think that's cause for looking like you gon' murder his ass."
"Yeah and besides." The Boss began. "We have a friendship to maintain."
"Do we even need to maintain that?" You mutter to yourself. An awkward silence filled that room very shortly after.
You stood staring at the Boss for a few more moments before you quickly turned towards Shrek. "On second thought Shrek, I could use some food." You say brusquely.
After a few shocked glances by the others, you see Shrek scoop out a healthy spoonful of food onto your plate.
You don't shoot a glance to anyone and instead make your way towards the guest room with your plate in hand. Right now all you want to do is eat and try to forget about the hell that was about to descend.
You slowly open the door and see Hilda just sitting on the bed, taking a sip of a glass of milk. "You doin' alright?" You ask.
"I don't want to be here anymore." She says in a quivering voice.
You close the door and slowly make your way towards her.
"I don't feel respected." She says. "I've worked so hard to escape this, and it still follows me."
"Hil"-
"If you are going to give me a hug of comfort, don't." She says angrily. "I'm in a house full of grown"- She seems to remember something that causes reluctance in her tone. "Grown men making sexual 'jokes'. And it's not 'comforting' for strangers to pat me on the shoulder, or to speak in condescending tones towards me! I have worked SO HARD FOR THIS!"
You simply nod and listen.
"And it's difficult, and shitty, that I have to prove myself to people who seem to... see me as..." She hides her face as she rolls over.
You keep silent and watch what's going on. You want to do something, anything to make her feel better, you wish you could say some words of wisdom or even a simple comforting phrase but you knew better than that. Right now was not a time to be some superhero, right now it was simply time for you to shut up and just listen... so that's what you did.
Hilda's body heaved, as she cried, but audibly, her sobs were silent. She hates showing emotions such as this.
As you listened to those sobs, you thought back to the Saints and felt your tune towards them immediately shift. You just couldn't fathom, couldn't BELIEVE the kind of people they were. You remember taking Hilda to them thinking that you'd get a badass crew together and take on Vic, Robotnik and whoever and save the day... and now, you just can't believe it. Outside of maybe at best Kinzie and Shaundi, you realized you were either dealing with a crew that was not strong, not powerful and sure as fuck not role models. Rather they were a bunch of ridiculous idiotic murderous assholes who seemed to prefer to make one-liners and really crass jokes rather than actually taking this situation seriously and what made things ESPECIALLY disgusting was that most of their 'jokes' consisted of making cracks about you fucking a 16 year old which they never, EVER stopped.
And with that thought, Gat walks in...
"Well, what's this then?" He says as he notices Hilda upset and you not doing much about it.
You snarl. "Get out."
"Oi!" Shrek says.
You see that Gat doesn't budge. "Did you hear me? Get out."
"No."
Gat pokes you. "I said get out!"
"Hey man." Gat began. "I just wanted to check on you two to see if y-"
You flash a death glare at him. "Don't. Fucking. Talk. Just leave."
You watch as Shrek sets a hand on Gat's shoulder. "Come on lad, leave the two of them alone."
"Fine." Gat says about to pry himself away.
Once he does so you breathe a sigh of relief. While he leaves, you turn back to Hilda who gives you a look that says it all.
You nod knowingly but not in a humored way. No, more in the serious pissed off kind of way.
Hilda sits up. "I need to get out of here."
Hilda soon starts packing her stuff in silence.
You're about to open your mouth to say something but you stop yourself. What could you say? You didn't want to risk it. Better to just let her leave rather than fucking up whatever it is you have right now.
... What do you have? What? A friendship? Are you- are you honestly-
No-
You shake the thought from your head. It... it really is normalized.
You stand up, paralyzed mentally by fear. No... it can't be. You're not that kind of-
Before you can ponder over this more, your attention is stolen by the sight of a dark blip hurtling through the air towards the house.
You squint your eyes to try and pick out what the blip is. It's a person.
You're not sure who is flying through the air right now. It could certainly be one of the hundreds of superheroes with the power of flight or it could just be a beast ready to cause the end of all of you but it was way too far to tell.
What you did not expect was that Hilda happened to take notice of the dark blip as well. Despite being clearly very emotional, her curiosity was nevertheless piqued and thus she turned to see what it was you were looking at... and immediately her eyes widened.
She flew out of the room at a speed you didn't follow. This wasn't just any person, what you were seeing was a... familiar figure of some sort- CJ?
"Wait, Carl? What?" You ask as you look around for Hilda.
No response.
After a moment of confusion in which you stand there stupidly, the dark blip that you saw earlier comes into clear view.
You watch as it comes nearer and nearer to the house.
Hilda is having a jovial conversation with CJ; she seems not at all annoyed by his words. You'd expect her to be- wait, no. You barely know her.
You then realize that yes indeed, this person was THAT CJ. You've seen his mugshot, you've seen him in court and even at various points in your life you knew that this was no doubt the man who...
The man... You take a breath.
The man who has mastered the art of cheat codes.
You immediately dash outside the room and towards the entrance of the house.
"Where the hell are you going?" Shrek asks.
You give no response.
You just run outside... and end up on the receiving end of a baseball bat to the face.
"YOU PICKED THE WRONG HOUSE, FOOL!"
While you're on the ground writhing in pain, you hear a voice. "Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. Big Smoke, it's one of the homies, chill, chill!"
"Dakteam... OOOOOOOOOHHHHH Dakteam, my dawg!" He hugs you, and you feel awkward as Big Smoke squeezes you into their chicken-stained shirt.
"...What the fuck is going on out here?" You hear a voice ask.
You push Big Smoke off of you and look up. Gat is standing there, holding some sort of... gun?
Almost immediately, you hear a voice shout something.
"SHIT! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE BE BALLAS CREEPIN' THROUGH THIS CRIB!"
You watch in slow motion as Big Smoke suddenly raises his bat and begins to charge towards Gat all the while screaming out some sort of odd battle-cry.
Hilda flies in between Big Smoke and Gat. "They're not Ballas."
You run towards them, pushing people out of the way and soon enough, you're at the scene of a massive fistfight.
"But they wearin' purple." You turn to see a man in a black cap, shades and a green T-shirt holding an uzi trained on Gat's head.
"Ryder, you shermhead!" CJ shouts right as he slaps the back of his friend's head. "Not every muthafucka wearin' purple is a Balla!"
"Shermhead? Bitch I ain't no shermhead, muthafucka! I do know what you are tho'. You're a..."
"Busta, yes I get it. That shit was old in 2004 and it's old as hell today."
You just stare at the scene in front of you stunned. "Um, can someone please explain to me what the actual hell is even going on?"
"He's my friend; his name is Carl Johnson."
You look at Hilda. "Yes I know that's CJ. What I want to know is why the GSF are here, it's not like anyone called them."
CJ begins to laugh. "Hilds called us. She called us yesterday, before yo' friends had been such fuckin' bustas to her."
"Oh." You say. "Well how did you get here so quickly?"
"Super jump cheat." CJ said casually. "All da homies put in the code and we hopped here."
"Yeah..." Big Smoke said. "Pain in the ass to do when you've got sausages fo' fingas but that sometimes just how thangs be."
You're about to say something more when you hear a familiar happy voice call from behind you.
"CJ!" Goku called.
"Ay Goku! S'up my nigga!" CJ said as he gave Goku a hug.
Goku happily hugs him back.
"Ay, CJ! S'-s'up, my... um..." Goku repeats as a greeting to CJ, awkwardly.
CJ sets one hand on his shoulder. "You can just say homie Goku. It's alright."
"Alright, homie."
Gat looks at the Grove Street Families. "So... I see why Hilda's not been fuckin' Daktraem... which one of you's her bootycall?"
Big Smoke steps forward. "The fuck you say dawg?" Big Smoke looks over at you and Hilda.
Big Smoke motions to Hilda. "She only 16 you sick bastard."
"Ain't nothin' wrong with a little jokin'." Gat says.
Big Smoke shakes his head. "Honest to God, the streets are fuckin' more people up every day." He grumbles to himself.
Gat shrugs. "Well excuse me if the Saints don't have a limit for who and what they allowed to fuck."
"Ay, what the shit, man?" CJ asks. "You seriously condonin' pedophilia?"
"Shaundi was a teenager. She got a little wild in her young days." Gat argues, walking closer to Carl.
"I was in my 20s when I joined the Saints Johnny!" Shaundi called out. "Seriously you really should not go there."
CJ continues to argue. "Yeah? Well I oughta just shoot your ass, you old pedophile, you!"
Gat turns to walk away, but Big Smoke grabs his shoulder. "Ay, the Grove ain't finished with you, man!"
Gat pulls himself away. "Maybe but the Saints are finished with the Grove."
"Damn, Carl... ain't nothin' but a bunch of fuckin' excuses."
Carl nods. "Yeah. It almost like they know we'd beat they asses so they wanna find reasons not to strap up."
"You know what?" Ryder began as he took a hit of his joint. "I take it back Carl, these Saints fools are da real bustas."
"That's enough fellas!" You watch as the rest of the GSF members immediately turn back to see this taller gentleman in a green cap. "Remember we here to help save the world, not to bicker like we some fuckin' school children."
Gat sighs. "Ay, Smoke. We gots some seriously fuckin' boring shit ta do like eat, sleep, train and such."
"Saints never seem to do any of that." Big Smoke replied. "Maybe if you spent more time doing dat 'boring shit', yo brain would grow a little mo'."
"Smoke." The taller person said. "Enough."
"You right. Sorry Sweet." Smoke said.
"Saints are mo' than just fighters, that's why we need all da..."
"Really are you?" You say. "Because you ask me you're just a bunch of douc-"
"Let's focus, shall we?" Shrek interjected.
"Yea'" Carl said with a nod. "Big Green be right."
You notice that Shrek is staring at Carl.
"What?" He asked.
"Nothing it's just, you know my name is Shrek right?" Shrek asked.
"Yeah I know homie." CJ replied. "I meant nothin' by it, it just a nickname."
"I figured." Shrek said. "I just wanted to make sure that was what you meant."
You then turn to Hilda. "I'm just curious, is there anyone else that's gonna be coming?"
"Besides Hilda?" Gat interjects.
... The room is silent, and for the first time, some of the head Saints members seem to be uncomfortable.
"Gat... wha-" You immediately stopped talking once you saw Big Smoke in the blink of an eye close the distance between him and Gat to the point where his face was literal inches away from his.
"You mind saying that again muthafucka?" Smoke asked, his voice a low growl.
"Hey, if he ain't gonna make her cum, I'm gonna do it myself." Gat says, before trying to push past Smoke. Hilda immediately begins to fly, defensively, but on her face is a look of horror.
You immediately turn Super Saiyan from rage. "Alright Gat list-"
"It's alright homes." Smoke said. "I got dis mufuggah."
Without warning you watch the most horrific sight. Big Smoke took his big meaty fingers, balled his hands up into fists and without warning delivered what you swore was six hundred powerful punches to Gat's balls.
"Aaaahhh!" Gat howls, before slamming into the wall with his back and curling up in pain.
Big Smoke stood tall and proud over Gat and regarded him with only a look of disgust as he spat on him. "Be grateful homie, I was holdin' back. Next time you pull this shit? It gon' be much worse."
"Gat's gonna kill that motherfuck-wait no he won't." you mutter.
"Is... Gat, are you a"- The Boss asks.
"What's it to you, Boss?"
"Oh- oh my God- JESUS, Gat!" The Boss says. "What the hell?!"
"What?" Gat asked.
"Okay look, I thought this was funny earlier but now you're takin' these Hilda jokes too far." The Boss said.
"H-hey I wasn't act-"
"We can never be sure if you actually didn't mean that." You said.
"Ay homie, don't suggest that shit." The Boss replied. "Gat may be a bit much but he ain't no damn pedo."
"How can you be so sure?" You ask.
The Boss turns to you with a stone expression. "He's not."
In that second, you realize that the Saints are not your friends. They do not see you as an ally, rather as a resource.
"Mofucka' I think this dude has a point." Smoke said to the Boss. "I mean you heard what he jus' said earlie-"
"I don't think I should have to take allegations from the fat asshole who just made my second-in-command sterile." The Boss interjected. "Now if you want to stay on my good side, you'll leave these allegations alone."
"Listen foo' you gotta-"
"I don't gotta do shit. You're not my fucking dad."
Big Smoke glared at the Boss. "Considerin' we all gon' be working togetha? I think it's actually very important you listen to what the fuck I have to say."
The Boss sighs. He turns his attention to you.
"Just want to say for the record, this is all yo' fault."
You've had it at that point.
Big Smoke quickly shoves the Boss. "His fault, I barely even met the muthafucka and I can tell already he's more innocent than yo' bitch-ass."
The Boss gets in Smoke's face. "Watch your fucking mouth!"
"Or what? You gonna' beat me too?" Big Smoke asks.
"You do not want to test this motherfucker asshole." The Boss replied.
"Oh yea'?" Smoke began as he took off his bowler hat. "Because trust me when I say that this fat man can do a lot more damage than you think."
"Uh guys." Pierce began. "Shouldn't we be you know? Working toge-"
"What with these assholes?" The Boss interrupted. "Please, I ain't workin' with lil bitches that accuse one of my homies of being pedos."
The Boss turns to face you.
"Speaking of which, I think you owe me an apology." You feel yourself twitch.
"Excuse me?" You ask.
Big Smoke stepped to the Boss. "He don't gotta apologize fo' shit."
"Yes he does." The Boss replied.
"Nope, don't gotta."
"And yo' the Boss?" Big Smoke asked. "Because you ask me someone should change yo' title to 🅱itch with a capital '🅱'."
"Careful now unless you want me to 'smoke' yo' big ass." Smoke just raised an eyebrow at the Boss's threat.
"Did you just try to make a pun to threaten me? Tell me, are y'all gangbangers or kindergartners?"
Hilda's presence in the room is very angry and very strong, you think; you are shit at reading powerlevels. "I decided to help Dakteam because he was trapped in a simulation. He was going through a rough patch in his life and I sensed that conflict; so I did what I do when I find an individual in pain: I decided to help him. And now I see where his arrogance is learned from. I see who he hangs out with. I see that he hangs out with the same assortment of chuds that I can't escape; every group I have ever joined has had them. Every friend circle, every jovial greeting; turns out that they were a chud. I am tired of constantly feeling fear for what once was. I am tired of the deception and the lies. Dakteam, your friends are shit, and are as I'd expect from the friend circle of an unassuming man who felt themself to be a 'big shot'."
"Hol' up." Big Smoke began. "Dakteam was it? These bitches be your homies?" You have no response.
"I would only agree with those statements if that Hilda chick called this Dicktit dude or whoever a shit friend." The Boss replied.
You almost instantly flared up to Super Saiyan and at breakneck speeds you charged up to the Boss and lifted him up by his shirt collar.
You snarled at him.
"Touch a nerve did I?" The Boss asked. "Well guess what, you touched my fuckin' nerve when you accused Gat o-"
You wasted no time and gave the Boss a punch to the face so fierce and so powerful you swear that he lost the entire top row of his teeth.
The Boss falls to the ground on the floor while the rest of his crew however don't move from where they are.
"What the fuck did you just do, you little shit?"
You do not reply to the Boss's jeers and instead you step up to him, all the while giving him the coldest death glare you've ever given a person.
"Oh so you wanna pull a Maero with me?" The Boss asked as he stood up. "Well let's see how tough you are when I lay yo ass out." The Boss threw a punch.
Casually, you grab the Boss's fist and just begin to squeeze.
"Ah! Fuck! You fucking tough guy!"
You do not reply. You are too busy with putting the Boss on the brink of passing out.
"Let go of my fucking hand!" The Boss shouted right before he took another swing at you. You simply let the fist hit you and watch as the Boss's expression turned from one of anger to one of fear as he realized his punch had no effect on you.
"Fuck..." The Boss quietly says as sweat begins to form on his forehead.
You decide to continue to squeeze for the purpose of causing as much pain to the Boss as possible and it works.
"Ah! Ah! You fuck! Ah!"
"Damn Hilds." CJ asked. "The fuck you find this person?"
Hilda grabs your hand and forces you to stop squeezing. "No more causing suffering, for any reason." Hilda says.
You turn to her. "No more causing suffering? After what this guy and his crew of asshats keep pulling?"
"You're right though. The Saints are shitty friends, they're shit garbage people I decided to befriend and nothing more than a bunch of opportunists and cowards and I am simply inflicting upon this fuckheap what they all deserve."
"That doesn't justify revenge." Hilda explains. "You are not justified in your actions just because they have hurt people. Redemption, not condemnation. Always find the non-violent route."
"Hilda's right homie." Big Smoke added. "I know it may sound rich coming from me especially, the fat man who just sterilized a foo' but look, revenge ain't exactly gonna solve anythang. Trust me, I know. I've seen too many people down in the streets seekin' out families and shit, thinkin' that gettin' vengeance is gon' make them feel right and y'all know what happens instead? Inside, they hearts become cold dawg. They forced to walk with a hole that they can never truly patch up."
At that moment, you realize that Big Smoke was was true, the Boss was an asshole and indeed the Saints were some of the absolute worst friends you ever could've made... but that didn't necessarily mean they should die for it and most certainly they shouldn't die like this. Really at that point then, you would've been no better if not worse than these people. So you let out a sigh and simply power down.
"Let's get out of here." Hilda says.
You nod. "Yeah..."
You and Hilda gather the crew together with the exception of the Saints and all set your hands on Hilda who is preparing to use Instant Transmission.
Hilda flies them into the air. The Saints are left on the ground. "Hey! Ay, Dakt! Get yo' ass down here! GET YO' ASS DOWN HERE"-
Hilda Instant Transmissions you to a new location: The G.S.F.'s new HQ; unlike the Saints' HQ, the G.S.F.'s HQ contains more sterile surfaces, a cleaner look, actual fucking office corridors and an... animal shelter. Out of all the possible places.
You sigh in exasperation. "Geez, Hilda. Why'd you gotta pick now of all times to be transpo-"
You stop yourself. "You know what? I'm not gonna complain because I have absolutely no reason to complain." You say and begin to make your way to the elevator.
As you step into it, you hear a voice that stops you in your tracks.
"Where the fuck were you guys?!"
You look on with glee at the Angry Video Game Nerd who is standing in the middle of a doorway looking mighty pissed off.
Hilda walks up to the Nerd. "Hello, Nerd."
"What the fuck are you waiting for Hilda? Get him!" The Nerd shouts, throwing a controller. It hits you in the head.
"Ow!" You shout.
You look at the Nerd. "What was that for?!"
"For leaving me behind you asshole!" The Nerd shouted with exasperation.
"Oh yeah... look I can explain."
"Yeah? Well better get on with it because you have no idea what kinda shit I went through to get here."
"Okay so..." After taking a deep breath you explained everything that had happened so far, from Gat's constant pedophilic comments to the sparring matches.
"What the fuck!?" The Nerd shouts. "That's fucked up."
You nod. "If you were there, you would've found things so much worse."
"No doubt." The Nerd said as he crossed his arms before looking to Hilda. "I especially feel bad for you since you had to deal with that bullshit. I'd rather have a crocodile feast on my fucking ballsack while I lick around a toad's asshole than deal with that."
Hilda winces at that description.
The Nerd sighs. "Anyway, hope those fucks have to deal with LJN bullshit in the future."
"Well that guy's kinda dead Nerd so... actually that works better. They'd have one hell of a painful afterlife if they deal with LJN bullshit." You say.
The Nerd is about to give a nod when a certain someone saunters in. "Oh my fucking god you found them!"
Your smile drops. "Ah no, it's Drunk Spider-Man."
You stare stone-faced at Drunk Spider-Man who is indeed drunk as fuck and also naked. You don't know how he's able to even walk with how much he's drinking.
CJ looks at Hilda. "Who the fuck is that guy?"
"Drunk Spider-Man." Hilda says.
"What the fuck does that mean?"
"He's a literal separate entity from Spider-Man, who is perpetually drunk." Hilda explains.
CJ looks at her confused. "What?" He began. "What the fuck?"
Drunk Spider-man leaps on top of you and starts kissing you. You push him off and try not to vomit.
"Hey!" He says.
"You my friend are too fucking drunk and need to lie down." You say to Drunk Spider-Man.
"Sorry man." He slurs. "Just wanted to give you a hug."
You shake your head and continue to ignore him.
"Whatever man." You say.
Hilda is disturbed by Drunk Spider-Man's actions. "Being drunk is no excuse for assaulting Dakteam!"
"Hey Hilds, he's drunk, cut"-
"NO!" Hilda shouts... she calms down. "I will never give a drunk person"-... She sighs.
"Anyways, nice HQ you got here." You say to CJ.
"Thanks man. If it wasn't for Hilda, I probably wouldn't have this place."
Hilda notices that she is being ignored. She is conflicted between bringing attention to herself ('making a scene') or just letting it go.
You look over at Hilda. "You helped them acquire this place? Must've taken a ton of work."
You quickly realize something's up by looking at Hilda's face. "What's wrong?"
"I don't excuse drunk people. I don't. I don't excuse drunk people." Hilda says, her voice low in tone and loud.
Drunk Spider-Man does a little hop right as he turns around. "Wuzzat she say?" He slurred.
The Nerd looks back at Drunk Spider-Man. "You do not need to get involved with any of this." He warned.
"Drunk people are funny." Drunk Spider-Man says with a chuckle as he lurches forward. "You two should get married."
You sigh.
"In fact. We should all get drunk!" Drunk Spider-Man said before he pulled a huge bottle of whiskey out his asshole. "Hey Hilda, you want to have the first swig?"
You cringe.
"No." Hilda says.
"Oh come on." Drunk Spider-Man pouts. "It'll be fun!"
The Nerd looks over at Drunk Spider-Man. "Drunk Spider-Man, you are gonna cause a scene. Please stop."
"Drunk people are funny." Drunk Spider-Man says, ignoring The Nerd.
Hilda looks at you. Her face says it all.
You sigh again. "I just... I can't..."
"Maybe he needs a biofeedback jacket to gain more control of himself in this state." Hilda grunts.
You shake your head. "Maybe later. This guy is a wreck. I just wanna be..."
"No! Hey you! You want a swig?"
The Nerd immediately grabs hold of Drunk Spider-Man. "Alright Drunk Spider-Fuck, let's get you to a bed."
You hear a growl from Drunk Spider-Man. "I'm not done yet."
"Please Spidey, you're gonna throw up on us or something if you don't calm down."
Drunk Spider-Man laughs. "Calm down? I'm perfectly calm. I just wanna part-BLEEGH!" Immediately he vomited... and shit at the same time.
"Oh-oh, this isn't good..." The Nerd groans. "Can someone get this dude some water."
Drunk Spider-Man looks up. "Nah bro, I'm fi-AAAGH!" You couldn't help but retch once you saw Drunk Spider-Man again barf and shit at the same time.
"Oh dear God..." The Nerd says, pulling him away.
"Oh no..." You groan. "You know what? I'll go get the water and a mop."
"PIIIIIIINGAASSSSSSS!" You hear a whistle from above. You look up to see the Green Goblin. He's hanging from the ceiling by his legs and a crossbow in his hand.
"Green Goblin!" The Nerd yells.
You immediately turn around to see the Green Goblin tumble onto the floor. "Oh no Nerd, it's not the Green Goblin. It's Drunk Green Goblin."
The Nerd's jaw hit the floor. "There's fucking MORE people like Drunk Spider-Man?! How?! Why?! Who the fuck would think that's a good idea?! What were they THINKING?!"
Drunk Green Goblin propped himself up. "The Pingaslord sends his regards dicksniffs." He said right as he fired a crossbow bolt straight through Drunk Spider-Man's heart.
"Ack! Oh no... I'm dead..." He screamed as he died. The bolt from the crossbow released an acid that eats his flesh, his skeleton visible and blood and alcohol leaking out onto the floor below.
"Oh Jesus!"
Hilda watches, horrified as another life is taken.
"The fuck's going on?" Sweet asks.
"What the hell happened?! Who was that guy?" Big Smoke asks.
The Nerd turned to face Big Smoke. "Drunk Spider-Man. We've said his name multiple times already!"
"Oh sorry homie, things have been progressin' a little fast for me."
You immediately turn to face Drunk Green Goblin and tackle him with the help of CJ. The rest of your team joins in, along with Hilda.
"🅿I🆖🅰💲" Drunk Green Goblin says.
You pin him to the floor as your eyes widen with realization. "My God... ROBOTNIK KNOWS WHERE WE ARE!"
Hilda looks at CJ with the expertise of a commander. "CJ, get all of the Grove together."
"Can't you just solo this mo'fucka, Hilds?" CJ asks.
"This is the job of a team; what will anyone learn if I take them on myself?" Hilda asks.
"We'll get our asses kicked, that's what!" The Nerd says, very fucking afraid.
You look at the Nerd. "Very valid point you made there." You then turn to CJ. "I hate to sound insulting but please tell me we're gonna be fighting Robotnik with more than just a street gang."
"You'd be surprised." Hilda says. "They have a lot of heart and soul when they work together."
Your eyes widen. "Huh?"
CJ pulled out a remote. "Ever since that Grinch bullshit happened, Sweet and I both agreed we needed to start makin' plans fo' threats like that assho' and so we made a few calls and well, just look at the team we've assembled." He then pushed a button on it.
You look on with shock as secret doors open up and how immediately hordes of GSF members came pouring out along with, and you couldn't believe you were seeing this, various other heroes, as in actual fucking superheroes.
"This... this can't be!" You say.
"Pfft, of course it can." The Nerd says.
You look at Nerd. "What?"
The Nerd shrugs. "Look man, we fought the Grinch and now we're fighting an evil anime voice actor and a living YouTube Poop. At a certain point your fucking definition of reality needs some adjustment."
You shake your head. "I don't know what to say."
Hilda seems very focused. She seems to be pinpointing something. "Dr. Robotnik's base is located in Mobius. I am the only one, as far as I know, capable, currently, of Instant Transmissioning there. Since I have chosen not to interfere", Hilda Instant Transmissions to a room, and then the entire HQ begins to change. She Instant Transmissions back, "the HQ will be flown there."
You do a double-take. "Wait the place is a ship?!"
"Hells yeah mang!" Big Smoke replied. "Don't we have a pimped out pad or what!"
You couldn't help but give a smile. "Big Smoke, if I could go back in time, erase my meeting with the Saints and then meet the GSF instead? I so fucking would've."
Big Smoke laughed heartily.
"That means a lot homie. That means a lot."
"Oh enough of the sappy bullshit!" Drunk Green Goblin shouts. "Especially since you still have this Pingasbibbles to deal with."
"Oh yeah!" Big Smoke says. "I almost forgot about that."
"Now motherfuckers, prepare to di-" Immediately every single GSF member surrounded Drunk Green Goblin and gave him a curbstomping that would end all curbstomps.
"Curses!" Drunk Green Goblin shouts as he dies. "And just when I was about to tibbie some bibbies!"
"Dude what the fuck!" you say.
"You're telling me you have never heard of the word 'Pingasbibbles'?" Big Smoke asked. "Let me explain this, dawg. A loooong time ago, I was amongst the greatest MEEMs, of fat people; Hilda met me when I was just a young MEEM. She asked me why I was proud of my status as a MEEM directly making fun of fat people, people fo' their weight, so I began to ask myself, do I truly want to be a MEEM? Unfortunately, Robotnik does not like dissenting MEEMs. He called us 'Pingasbibbles' when we worked under him. So when I dissented, he said, 'NNNNO!', and threw me in the 'PUSSY!'. I escaped by killing BoogeyPINGAS."
Your eyes fluttered with disbelief. "What happened after you escaped?"
"I met 'THAT HEDGEHOG'! We fought Robotnikclaus! I escaped from the 'PUSSY' by destroying his 'PINESSES'!"
"Wait hedgehog?" You were gonna continue on when suddenly a blue blur landed in front of you.
"He means me kiddo and let me tell you, if someone tries to touch you in a place that makes you feel uncomfortable? That's no good." You look down at this... strange version of Sonic for a few moments before then looking up at huge window of the GSF HQ just as it started transforming into a spaceship.
"You know what? I think I've officially seen everything." You say.
"Dude, have you seen everything?" Big Smoke says. "I mean Mobius I'm sure is gonna have some weird shit!"
You set one hand on Big Smoke's shoulder. "I'm sure it will but trust me, I think I have seen everything."
"Seen everything you have not." An older voice said.
You looked around to see who had said this but saw nothing but empty seats.
"Who's there?" You ask.
The mysterious voice came again. "Just a crazy."
"A crazy?"
The source of the voice steps out. "A crazy green bastard who loves you."
Happy tears started filling your eyes. "I-It can't be..."
"It can." The figure nodded. Right then and there you waste no time and start running towards this figure.
"YODA! You're alive!" You shout with glee as the two of you embrace.
"Who's this child?" He asks, looking at Hilda.
"If you even say a word relating to something fucking creepy about her, I will not be so pleased about your resurrection." You growl.
"What? No! She is a fucking child! I would never"- Yoda realizes that some fucked up shit has occurred here. "Fucked situation, is it?"
You nod. "Indeed." You then sigh with relief. "Also thank fuck you're not one of those kinds of people, you wouldn't believe the amount of pedos I've encountered in the past few hours."
Yoda's eyes widened. "Sounds like you've been through a shitty time."
"Yes. Yes I have my love." You say. Hilda's eyebrow lifted up.
"... Dakteam, Yoda is 800 years old." Hilda says, slightly disgusted.
"I'm sorry my love. It has been so looong since I've last seen you. Your loveliness has far outpaced my best memories from a girl named Fay."
You back at Hilda. "Hilda, I'd like you to meet my future husband, Yoda."
The Nerd immediately spit out the beer he was drinking as soon as he heard that.
"What?" Yoda says. "She disagrees with you on that matter. Lovers we will be, like in the old tales."
You shake your head as you try to stop a laugh.
"Oh Yoda." You say. "I've missed you."
The Nerd just stares at this flabbergasted. He can't believe this... shit is actually happening. And he's not a part of it.
Hilda is disgusted. "Yoda, what the fuck?"
You look at Hilda. "It's a weird story. It involved me killing Aku, I met Yoda afterwards because I needed help getting a forcefield off my house, this guy was killed by Dio Brando moments after we were gearing up to have sex. That was one long crazy day."
Hilda seems sick.
"Yep. It wasn't my first time, I gotta say." You remark. She didn't even ask.
Yoda nods.
The Nerd blinked for a few moments before finally letting loose. "WHA- THIS IS FUCKED BEYOND BELIEF! It's like, I could handle fighting the Grinch, I could handle realizing one of my friends was a guy named Drunk Spider-Man, I could handle having a hand shoved up my asshole in order to have a chip extracted but this?! THIS IS JUST INSANE! I MEAN FUCKING YODA IS IN LOVE WITH ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS! FUCKING! YODA! WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON?!"
Yoda chuckles. "I do not know the word insane. I'm sure I've heard it used before in reference to my people's emotions. Perhaps it isn't absolute."
The Nerd just stares at Yoda blankly before then turning around and heading towards the couch. "I need to lie down."
Yoda says nothing, he just watches.
"F-fuck." The Nerd says and lies down.
"Dak, come with me." Yoda says and starts to walk away.
You nod. "Sure thing dear!" You say.
As you head off with Yoda to who knows where, CJ is just staring at the situation that just unfolded with a flabbergasted expression.
"Hilds, did you have any idea this was goin' on?" CJ asked. Hilda is very disturbed. "No, I did not."
"Hilds, just what the fuck have we gotten ourselves into?" CJ asked. "I don't know. I mean I thought we were adult enough to deal with these things."
CJ sits on the floor and lays his head on the coffee table.
Hilda is stone-faced. "I'm going upstairs."
Hilda leaves.
The Nerd looks over at CJ. "Man, it's like as soon as you come to know these people, your life either becomes a pile of ass or a clusterfuck."
CJ sits up. "Tell me about it."
"Shit man think about it, we know ogres, aliens, adventurers."
"Shit homie, you put it that way, it make a man think they goin' mad."
As you make your way down the hall with Yoda wrapped in your arms, you turn to see Hilda passing by.
She regards you with a glance, and you think of something to say to her, your snookums in your arms.
"Is there something wrong?" You ask. "I mean with Yoda being my husbando and all..."
Her expression is impossible to read. "I'm sure that this is considered pedophilia in multiple star systems." Hilda says with a grunt.
"Possibly." You say with a shrug. "But I can't help it, I love this little green guy."
"It's pedophilia"-
"Shut up, you will." Yoda says, annoyed. You are surprised.
"Now Yoda honey we can't be rude now." You say. "Remember we'll probably face this even at our wedding, it's just people being grossed out by what they don't understand."
"As they should be at a marriage between a yoda with different aging configurations and a human." Hilda replies.
"In this situation, I'd say age is just a number." Yoda said. You smile, it's sweet, you love it.
Meanwhile Hilda frowns, she seems to be pondering something.
"So... do you mind if we fuck?" You ask Hilda.
"Of course." Hilda replies. "Do not have sexual intercourse in the G.S.F. HQ."
You sheepishly nod. Fast forward a few minutes and you're fucking Yoda savagely on a bed with your hands gripping and massaging his asscheeks.
"Agh! Yes! Do you like that? Mmmm.." Yoda says in ecstasy. You feel up Yoda's twerking ballsack as his head bobs up and down.
You notice that papers are scattered around the room. Pencils line a desk and there is a bin full of crumpled up papers, sitting in that bin as well as the papers is an entire laptop with a hole blown through it.
You regard this area for a few moments... then you decide to shrug once you felt a certain tightening sensation in your balls.
"Yoda." You grunt. "I'm gonna cum!"
"Cum? Mmmm..." Yoda says.
You let all of your pent up semen fly into the green giggling asshole. "Agh!" You yell.
You hear the sound of an Instant Transmission.
Your eyes widen as you look back to see Hilda just staring at the scene in front of her.
"Oh hey Hilda! I just... what are you doing here?" You say, trying to compose yourself.
"Get out." She says, her tone low and loud. You swear that you hear the room vibrate slightly. "Get out, get out, get out!"
You stand up and quickly pull up your pants and grabbed for the zipper... unfortunately you paid not enough to mind to the position of a certain part and thus you ended up doubling over in pain as your softening cock got caught in the teeth of the zipper.
You hear Yoda behind you. "Leave we will not. We weren't finished fucking."
Hilda glares at Yoda. "You are, you space pedophile."
"What did you call me, 🅱ITCHNI🅱🅱🅰?" Yoda asks, ready to get into a Jedi flip-flip battle.
"You heard me, icky."
"I'm going to turn you into a memory and then forget you even existed if you don't get out of my home."
Hilda stands there... staring.
You force yourself up to your knees. "Yoda, babe. You really, REALLY don't want to do this. Let's just leave and... wait why did you ask us to leave Hilda?"
"This is my room." Hilda says.
Your eyes widen and you immediately turn towards Yoda. "Why did you lead me into Hilda's room to fuck?"
"I didn't know." He said with an unconvincing shrug.
"My room has a label on it; it says 'Hilda's Study' on the door!" Hilda says, very pissed.
You keep staring at Yoda. "This seems far more intentional to be just an honest mistake but since you're my love, I'll let this slide if we can just make nice and go to a guest ro-"
"I have a better idea." Yoda interjected. "We could stay here and Hilda could watch us. Sure she wants to finger her pussy to that hotness I am."
Hilda's... face drops, and she becomes extremely... some emotion you have trouble reading. "H-Hilda...?" You ask.
"Leave my room." She says, her voice at a frequency that resembled a growl.
"Y-yeah I'm sorry about that. So hey, let's not fight. Eh... I mean let's make up.
Yoda shakes his head. "Leave I will not."
"Yoda..." You begin, your voice now showing annoyance. "Now's not the time to be the defiant spouse."
"I won't do it." He says.
"YODA!" You yell, attempting to get his attention.
He gets it. "Yes?" He asks.
"Seriously man, just leave the room with me." Yoda just shakes his head. "Let's try again;" Yoda began. "We'll stay and you just let Hilda watch. Surely that shouldn't be too hard."
"I'm not doing something that disgusting." You protest.
"Defying me are you?" Yoda said with an eyebrow raised.
"I just am using my common sense." You begin. "Also, I REALLY don't want to piss Hilda off more than she already is." Yoda lightly grasped his chin with one hand and scratched his balls with another.
"Hmm, perhaps she could put that energy to good use and join us. Surely some aggressive fucking would relieve some stress." You stare at Yoda with your jaw hanging open.
"Y-you... are you serious?!" You ask in disbelief.
Yoda looks up with a smile.
You take in a deep breath. "S-She's 16 years old!"
Yoda shrugged. "Eh, I've had younger."
"She's a child!"
"So? Age is just a number you know."
You look back at Hilda and then at Yoda and just keep shifting your gaze between the two of them before finally settling on Yoda.
"Th-This doesn't sound like you sweetie." You say, trying to compose yourself.
"What? Is my perverted side not obvious enough?" Yoda asks.
"You're not... you're not one of those are you?" You reply.
"What you think?"
You watch with a look of horror and begin to back up on one foot. "Yoda, please tell me this isn't true. Please tell me you're joking. PLEASE SAY SIKE RIGHT NOW!"
"I'm not joking. I'm one of them."
You start to hyperventilate and Yoda steps forward. "Hush now child and just come back to the bed with me."
You immediately pull away from him while shaking your head. "This can't be real, this has gotta be a-a... a dream! Yes that's it, this is all just some fucked up dre-" Yoda closes the distance between the two of you and simply brings one finger to your lips.
"I said hush. This is all very real." Yoda said before he moved to stroke your hair. "I know it must be scary for you. I was once young and foolish as well. I still remember the day when he came into my life."
Your eyes widen. "Who do you mean? Please tell me it's Jesus and not."
Yoda smirks. "Oh it's better than Jesus. I'm talking about a legendary voice actor, our one true god... Vic."
You choke on your own saliva. "Vic?"
Yoda nods as he lifted up his shirt with you looking down in horror to see that he was wearing a bright green shirt with the logo of a certain channel you loathed.
"And yes." Yoda continued. "I'm also a follower of the great Rekeita."
You continue to stare in disbelief. "Re-Rekeita?"
"One of the many names she goes by. Yes."
"She?"
Yoda nods. "Since modern society thinks people can just change their gender. He decided to take that idea head-on."
You shake your head with a face full of shock. "But why though? Why support someone like him? Don't you know what he did?"
Yoda nods. "Yes and quite frankly I think it was just a shame he got caught. After all, there's nothing wrong with having just so much love to give is there?"
"Well no, but... t-these are children!"
Yoda's smirk became a grin. "Children. Adults. All made-up words."
"What?"
Yoda takes his hand from his shirt and instead holds it out palm up.
"Want to come with me you do." Yoda said. Suddenly you begin to feel yourself fall into some sort of trance.
"Want to come with you, I do..." You repeated. A vision appears in your head. "With me, we go." Yoda says.
"With you, I..." You start shaking your head. "No this is... this is all wrong." You stand up. You can't take this. Yoda stood up as well and placed both of his hands on your shoulders. "Trust me." He says with a tone of finality. "You have to."
"Good soldiers follow orders." Yoda said. Suddenly you feel a bunch of electric shocks traveling up your dicks and to your brain, causing the trance to become even stronger. "But bad soldiers question them."
You nod. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. You couldn't know."
You float into another trance as the vision disappears.
Hilda Instant Transmissions to Yoda. "What did you do to him?"
"He's ready to please you, you hot piece of ass"- Hilda lifts Yoda up using some kind of energy.
"You have violated his free will"-
"Hilda, baby, please. Don't shout." You smile. You feel tears leave your eyes. Why didn't you find S...
Good men fuck women. Bad men fuck men. But Yoda... YODA is something else.
"H-Hilda." You say trying to fight it. "You have to l-" Suddenly everything around you violently shakes and you wind up flung into a wall. The force of impact was so strong that it caused you to nearly be knocked out... which gave the trance the chance to fully take hold. Now its hold is so strong that you don't even have the mental energy to fight it anymore. That being said, right as Yoda appeared behind you and grasped your shoulder, you were able to look Hilda in the eyes and say one thing.
"Find Sam..." You say weakly right as Yoda whisks you away.
Hilda watches as you are whisked away. She seems to send you something mentally that you feel resonate, but don't understand just yet.
"Find Sam..." You say again under your breath.
You feel energy enter your body and hear something behind you, which you think is Yoda, but don't turn to see.
Your consciousness fades...

Hilda watches as Yoda teleports away. She is very disturbed by everything that has occurred. Well, Dakteam is out of commission.
She isn't sure what to do next, but she'll think of something.
Yoda's voice enters her head. She blocks it out with ease, and files it away for later (Yoda has made a mistake by giving her a Force signature to lock onto), and floats back to the main room of the HQ.
The HQ is in turmoil. Big Smoke is languishing on the couch, eating some Cluckin' Bell, despite having orders to corral the heroes into a plan.
"Oh Hilds!" Big Smoke says noticing her. "Some terrible shit's been happenin'!"
"Damn it, Big Smoke, turn that damn game off!" CJ yells while cocking s gun.
"Has any progress been made in the minutes that I was dealing with the shit upstairs?" Hilda asks, tired and frustrated.
"Well if by progress you mean we been intercepted by some other asshole's ship then yes. Progress has been made." CJ replied. Big Smoke turns to Hilda.
"He not even kiddin'." Big Smoke began. "One moment everyone was gathered and we were makin' a plan and then the next? BOOM! Somethin' rattles the ship and every muthafucka be scrambling for things to defend themselves with."
"You're not scrambling. You're sitting on the couch eating Cluckin' Bell."
"Hilds"-
"The excuses you use on CJ will not work on me."
"WILL Y'ALL LAZY ASS NIGGAS GET YO ASSES OUT HERE AND HELP ME?!" Sweet's voice screams.
Hilda turns to see Sweet with her, Hilda's, entire team, and lead by him is a large monster, almost twice as tall as him. Sully, a retired scarer, now a comedian, is tagging along. He has mastered Ultra Instinct and, because he is a giant blue monster, he has in his blood a lifeforce that allows him to go to Super Rose Monster Ultimate.
CJ turns to Hilda who simply nods at him and with that the two went off to join Sweet with CJ stopping only to grab Smoke by the shirt collar right as he was about to bite into his burger.
"Oh shit! Get your shit out of here!"
"Damn, do you really want us to fight them?" Sully asks.
CJ looks at the big guy. "Who we even fightin'?"
"Who else but the crew you left stranded at Shrek's swamp you asshole." A familiar dickhead's voice called out.
CJ quickly releases Smoke who runs off. "Ah shit, here we go again."
"It's that one gang who we abandoned for a very good reason." Hilda says, gritting her teeth. "Why did you have to show up here?"
"Our ship. Your weak-ass HQ is easily penetrated like a loose-ass vagina." Gat says, with a smirk and a grimace at the same time.
"You mothafuckas broke into our HQ."
"Who gives a shit? The Saints take what we want, sucka. So if you know how to survive, don't"-
"I'm gonna show you something." Carl looks at Sweet, who is very confused.
"What you talkin' about, busta?" Ryder asks.
CJ smirks as he looks at Ryder. "Well actually Ryder, I'm gon' be a busta for once." And with that CJ took in a deep breath. Sweet again looked at his younger brother very confused.
"Nigga what the fuck you doin'?" Sweet asks.
"Just watch." CJ replied.
CJ puts his arms out to the side and gets into a pose like taking a shit. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!"
He stopped for a moment to let out a couple coughs. "Damn." He said. "I forgot this takes a lot of lung power." He then took another breath and continued to power up.
"You gotta exercise more, mane." Smoke points out. "Gotta enter that infinite stamina. You've been slackin' off on yo' training!"
"Enough! I challenge you to a lightsaber duel!" Shouted the Boss as he reached for something.
CJ looks at the dickhead. "What? You got a green lightsaber or somethin?" His eyes widened as he pulled out a massive bright purple glowing dildo.
"What the fuck is that thing?" CJ asked.
Hilda facepalmed. "Really?"
CHEAT ACTIVATED.
"The fuck was that sound?" The Boss asked.
CJ grinned. "Oh you gon' be fucked up now!" And with that he continued to power up.
"STOP FUCKIN' AROUND!" Yelled the Boss.
"Nah, he ain't got no lightsaber." Smoke says. "That's just a purple vibrator."
"That's a dildo Smoke." Sweet corrected.
"Does it make any difference nigga?" Ryder asked.
"Yeah, it might feel good up... yeah nah, I can't just make pedophilic jokes like Gat can." The Boss shakes his head.
"Fuck off man." Gat replied.
"Hey, I'm just sayin'." The Boss replied with a smirk.
Hilda is tired of Gat. In general. She flies over to him. "Let's battle." She says and smacks him to the floor in a blaze of glory.
Gat wiped a string of blood from his lip. "Heh, never knew you were the kind to like it rough."
Hilda lifted Gat into the air with her mind, and punched him into a wall.
"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!" CJ screamed.
"Man CJ's taken foreva to get to this form." Big Smoke commented.
"I HAVEN'T DONE THIS IN AWHILE HOMIE!" CJ replied. Upon hearing that, Sweet put two and two together.
"Wait a second, have you been slackin' on yo training CJ?" Sweet asked.
"No! I'm fine! Fuck!" Sweet snapped his fingers with realization.
"I knew it!" Sweet yelled out. "I knew I should've kept my eyes on your punk-ass, you always get soft when the heavy shit's done with!"
Gat ran towards Hilda, not really used to DBZ-style fights. He shot at her as she flew with a gun, but all of the bullets stopped in front of her. "What the?"
Hilda grabbed him by the wrist and smacked him in the side of the head with a nearby Nerf gun. "The Saints are murderers. You are a murderer. I have no respect for you or any of your group's loosely-written 'policies'."
"Pistol-whippin'? Shit this goes on a little longer somethin' tells me you'll go full 50 Shades!" Gat commented, ignoring what Hilda said.
Hilda picked him up by the neck, not squeezing, but the sight was very terrifying for the Boss. "Gat? You need some help?"
"Nope, she's mine." Gat grunted.
Pierce raised his hands. "Hey, hey, hey, guys! Let's not do anything rash, okay?"
The Boss turned to Pierce. "Shut the fuck up man."
"Seriously muthafucka this is goin' too far." Pierce said.
Gat held a pistol to Hilda's head. "I'll end yo' fuckin' life right now."
"A gun? You think a gun would have enough firepower to kill me?" Hilda asked, in disbelief. "How out of your element are you?"
Gat fired his gun into Hilda's head, and the bullet crumpled against her skin. "Not even a microabrasion." Hilda says, serious.
"Well..." Gat began. "At least we know you would've survived a facefu-"
Hilda palm-strikes him in the chest. "Ugh-fuck!" Gat says, sliding against the air.
Suddenly, Gat found himself freezing in mid-air which caused his eyes to continuously blink and his expression to show confusion. Then after a few seconds of looking around, he noticed the two massive angel wings that sprouted from his back.
"Oh yeah I forgot." He began. "I still have my arcane powers."
Hilda dusted herself off and just stared at Gat with a very unimpressed expression.
"Hilda, don't go too far. You don't know what the Saints are capable of and what we can do to you." The Boss says.
"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!" CJ screamed, his muscles finally reaching their max bulk.
"Man fuck this shit, I ain't waiting no more." Sweet said before turning to Ryder. "Ay Ryder. I think it's time we show these punk-niggas how the Grove do this shit."
"Awright mofucka'." Ryder replied as he stomped out his joint. "I was gettin' tired of waitin'."
Sweet and Ryder step out to face the Boss.
The Boss stares them dead in the eyes.
"Now what do y'all bitches think you gonna do?" He says. In response, Sweet and Ryder look at each other and then they look back at the Boss with a chuckle and then they both hold their arms out.
The Boss stares on puzzled as the two began to perform some strange movement.
"Fuuuu..." The two Grove members say simultaneously as they take steps towards one another.
Still confused, the Boss watches as they stop for a few seconds before they then jut their arms out away from each other.
"SION..."
"What kinda weird bullshit are these bitches pulling?" The Boss asks.
Then after a few seconds of thought, the Boss came to a realization.
"Shit..." The Boss uttered right as Sweet and Ryder touched fingers and uttered the final word.
"HAH!" And with that he watched as the two friends twisted and morphed into each other in a green tornado of energy.
Gat smirks. "Aw hell yeah. Arcane powers, bitch!" Gat says, charging towards Hilda. He activates his stone blast, and throws it at Hilda. It has no effect.
"Hell, girl. You really got some resistance to my charm." Now perplexed and kinda pissed, Gat launches towards Hilda and brings his head back in an attempt to headbutt Hilda.
"Are you serious?" Hilda says. She pushes him back with her mind. "I'm not letting you give yourself head trauma."
He grunts as he's thrown back. Then she brings her palm forward and slams it into a pressure point.
"Ugh..." Gat grunted. "You know somethin'? I take back what I said. No way Dakteam would have sex with you, you'd probably break his dick."
Hilda uses more pressure points.
Gat felt himself almost immediately drop to his knees. "You... Argh. Fucking bitch. You're gonna... Fuuu..."
Hilda turned around, done fighting Gat... but Gat did not take that as the finale. With one last burst of strength he managed to grab Hilda's leg with one hand and her butt with the other.
Gat took note of Hilda's expression and where his hand was and immediately his tune changed. "Uh look that was a-a-an accident. You know I'm n-n-not a molester ri-"
Hilda chokeslams him through the ground, crashing through the ceiling and into the kitchen of a random G.S.F. member as they are making pie. "Oh shit! What the"- The G.S.F. member dives out of the way as Hilda and Gat bust through more layers. Eventually, they reach the 5th layer of the structure from the bottom.
"GAT!" The Boss shouted as he stared at the hole that Gat was slammed through. "ALRIGHT YOU MUTHAFUCKAS HAVE DONE MADE ME MA-" His sentence was cut off by an elbow slamming into his gut.
The Boss stumbled up to his feet with a face full of rage... that soon turned into one of shock once he saw his assailant. This being a tall buff black man with shades, a full head of long curly hair and a blunt that was hanging out one side of his mouth. He also had on him a dark green cap with the words "Los Santos" emblazoned in white on the front and what almost looked like white sweatpants with a green sash wrapped around the waist and a black and gold jacket.
"Ugh... who the fuck are you?" The Boss asked. In response the figure smirked as he crossed his arms.
"Don't you know, I'm da mofucka' made from mashin' up Sweet n' Ryder togetha. I am... RYEET!" And with that the fused warrior shouted as he began to power up.
The Boss' eyes widened. He then turned to his men.
"Muthafucka don't look at me!" Pierce said. "I ain't going out there!"
"SHUT UP, PIPER!" The Boss shouted. "We can handle this!" Pierce looked at him dumbfounded.
"My name is Pierce!" Pierce shouted. "Next, fuck this bullshit. You on your own."
The Boss looked angrily at Pierce. "You dare question yo boss?"
"At this time, you could be God and I wouldn't give a shit. Boss this whole mission is petty and bullshit!"
"You should listen to ya homie." Ryeet said.
The Boss took a step towards Pierce. "Pierce, you are a member of the Third Street Saints. If I tell you to go out there and help, you WILL do as I say."
Shaundi sets one hand on the Boss's shoulder. "Boss, with all due respect Pierce is right. I don't think this i-"
"Shut up!" The Boss said, turning to face her.
Hilda flies back up, holding Gat by the neck with little force. She throws him down onto the ground at the feet of the boss. "Take the Saints and G.T.F.O." Hilda commands.
"You really think you can take us?" The Boss laughed. "Muthafucka, you know who we are?!"
"A 🅱unch of 🅱itches?" Big Smoke asked.
The Boss frowned right as he turned towards one of his lieutenants. "That does it. Kinzie, get me my robot." Behind him a redhead flashes a dirty look.
"First off, it's power armor. Second, I think you should listen to that gi-"
"NOW KINZIE!" The Boss snaps.
The redhead sighs and goes to get the power armor. The Boss then turns to a random Saint.
"The crew's set up the explosives."
"How much time do we have?" The Boss asks.
"More than enough to take these fuckers out." The Saint responded. The Boss smiles at this news.
"Good, because I want a chance to take these bitches down."
Hilda Instant Transmissions in front of the Boss.
The Boss frowns as he stares at her. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
"I'm dismantling your plan."
The Boss grins at this.
"Go ahead and try." The Boss says.
"You got a deal." She says as she teleports out of the room.
The Boss turns back. "Kinzie, I need that fucking robot up here!"
"Cool your jets. It's ready!" Kinzie said.
"Well it should've been ready earlier!" The Boss yelled out. "Ah well. At least I get a chance to tear that bitch apart with it." The Boss said.
It didn't take long for the power armor to fly towards the Boss... though unfortunately for him, the power armor didn't do what he wanted. Very quickly the Boss's expression turned from cocky to frustrated as the power armor gripped his arm and forced it behind his back before then pinning him to the ground.
"Why do you treat your team members with such a shitty attitude?" Hilda asks. "You are an asshole boss. And Kinzie Kensington doesn't deserve to be treated as though shit under your heel."
The Boss tries to struggle free. "You fuckin'... Kinzie, I swear to god, if you don't"-
"No Boss!" Kinzie interjected. " This girl's right. She's right, ok?! What we're doing right now is incredibly stupid! Right now what we should be focusing on is stopping that Robotnik guy that Dakteam told us about and to do that we were prepared to work together and it's only thanks to Gat's shitty attempts at humor and you being an asshole that these people abandoned us FOR the GSF! These people you just tried to pick a fight with are basically the universe's best chance at survival and you were willing to kill all of them for them not taking your shitty attitude! And what's even stupider is that a good chunk of us were going along with it! Well no more, so how about you stop being a fucking asshole and either take your shit and go or maybe try to be a decent goddamn person for a change?!"
"Kinzie, you sound as though you're serious. More serious than you usually are. Tell me what's up." The Boss says, speaking with concern. Kinzie growls. "Now is not the time for concern-trolling, Boss!"
"Oh my God Boss do you have to have this shit spelled out for you?" Shaundi began. "At this moment while you continue this petty squabble, some evil asshole is out there getting ready to cause shit that could lead potentially to the end of the Ear-no, the end of the whole entire universe!"
"Shaundi, not you t-"
"Don't pull this shit with me Boss, you know it's true!"
While this was goin' on, Pierce turns to Hilda. "Ay I know we probably ain't on speaking terms but I just am curious, where is Dakteam anyway?"
Hilda stays quiet.
"Is he dead?"
"I don't know." She answers.
Pierce then turns to the Boss. "See there we go! One of our homi-er former homies is missing in action. For all we know he could either be dead, gettin' assfucked or worse! Look Boss I know you want to keep this goin' but I'm tellin' you right now that it's actually way better to just let this shit go!"
The Boss is silent.
"Do... you agree?"
The Boss turns to Hilda. "Look, you're the Boss of the G.S.F.; from one Boss to another, what do we do?"
The ship starts to slow down. "Hold on to something." Hilda says, slightly surprised. "I can sense that we're landing rough." They all do as she says...
The ship crashes into the Mobius, skidding through the grass and mud. It slides and hits the side of a large tower.
The tower happens to be Robotnik's Fortress.
The ship stops. "Alright raise your heads." Hilda says and does so. They all do.
"ALRIGHT MUTHAFUCKAS! YOU IN FOR IT NOW!" Everyone turns to see CJ standing tall with rippling bulky muscles, spiky green hair, green eyes and a constantly flowing gold chain. "Prepare to face Super Busta!"
Hilda sighs. "The fight's done. An armistice has been reached."
"To hell with that! Super Busta's here, we in!"
"You sure you don't want to take it easy CJ?" A voice called out, causing everyone to turn and see a boy with blue skin, blue hair and... pajamas walking out.
The Nerd's eyes widen. "Sam? That you?" The boy nodded.
"Of course it's me, who else would it be?" He walks up to the top of the wall. "What's going on?
Sam looks at Hilda. "Hey, how are you, sis?"
The Nerd looks completely shocked. "Wait, what?!"
"Hello, Sam." Hilda smiles. "It's great to see you."
"Same goes for you." Sam said, returning the smile.
"Wait a second. You two are related?!" The Nerd asks.
Sam chuckles. "Yeah. Hilda is my half-sister; she's part pajamaling and part human."
The Boss snorts.
"What kind of stupid fanfiction bullshit is that?" The Boss said. He then turns to Hilda. "Shit, Hilda, how did your mother get into a relationship with"-
"Won't explain." Hilda says, her face becoming stony.
The Boss looks puzzled. "Was it done via backalley one night stand in a Freckle Bitch's parking lot?"
"Won't explain." Hilda says again, even more expressionless.
"Come on I have to know." The Boss says. "Was my slave trading dickhead of a father along side in the making?"
Hilda looks at him, concerned. "What?"
"Oh my father was quite the bastard. He had a low enough opinion of your gender's genitalia to fuck you without a rubber. Hell my momma wasn't even of age when I was conceived!"
Hilda's jaw nearly drops.
Her expression then becomes more steely as she sighs. "I can't explain my backstory because it would infringe on my Mum's right to privacy."
The Boss shakes his head. "Whatever. So what brings you here?"
Sam sits next to Hilda and smile. "Not much. Just wanted to see my family again... and kick some outdated meme ass. And I don't have as many qualms about explaining her past as she does. Yeah, my father wasn't a good person. A classic chauvinist from a dying age."
"Okay are we seriously just gon' ignore the fucked up backstory that the Boss just gave?" Pierce asks. "Because seriously, I don't think I can unhear that shit."
"We ain't going back to that dumbass." The Boss says. "If you're not thick skinned enough to hear it once, you won't have to hear it ever. Let's focus."
"Uh I don't think I can right now."
"Well you're gonna have to." Sully said. "Because I sense someone's coming."
"Here?" The Boss asks.
Sully simply nods.
The Boss looks in the direction of Sully's stare and spots a gold car pulling into the driveway. "Hide!" Hilda whispers sharply.
Everyone gets down on the ground except for the Boss. "Why hide? We can just shoot the muthafucka."
Hilda sighs. "... No. You can't."
The Boss steps outside in front of the others and gets into a shooting stance. As soon as he does, his legs start shaking. "W-wait! That's my Dad!"
"Get back!" Sam whispers with an edge of haste and irritation. He pulls the Boss back behind the tower. "Hey! What the fuck! Let go of me!"
... The Boss' arrogant pleas alert the Pingas King to their location. "I KNEW I sensed some imbeciles snooPI🆖 around here!"
"Shit." Sam says. "Just shoot already! He's getting out of the car and walking towards us!"
"We lost the element of surprise didn't we?" CJ asked.
Hilda flies back. "I'll let everyone else handle this. For now, I'll go save Dakteam." She disappears.
The King just laughs as he brings his hips back. "Where do you think you're going you 🅿U5️⃣5️⃣Y?"
"Why focus on her Ro-butt-nik?" Upon hearing that insult, Robotnik felt his rage boil.
"URGH! I HATE THAT HEDGEHAWG!" Robotnik screams. He stomps on the ground as an erect statue of a large 🅿I🆖🅰5️⃣ sprouts up.
He then looks at Hilda. "Ah yes, a young, wet 🅿U5️⃣5️⃣Y for my 🅿I🆖🅰5️⃣ to 🆑U🆖 into!"
"You're not going to do anything cheesy are you?" Sonic asked worriedly.
"Cheesy? Oh you rodent. I plan on doing something... cummy!" Robotnik replies with the most devious of grins.
"Whoa, now that's no good." Sonic replied.
"Don't worry, my 🅿I🆖🅰5️⃣ won't tear her 🅿U5️⃣5️⃣Y too much."
It's at that point when the Boss finally decided to toss logic to the wind and charge Robotnik. "You molesting SON OF A BITCH!"
"Remember kids! It's your body, no one has the right to touch you if you don't want them to! So what do you do? First, you say 'No!', then you get out of there!" Sonic spin jumps into Robotnik's skull. "AGH!" Robotnik shouts.
Robotnik backs away grasping at his forehead. "You little hoghed-"
"FUCK YOU!" The Boss shouts right as he tried to kick Robotnik in the dick.
Robotnik backs out of range for his dick. "Y'know what? Fuck you too, you little pissant!"
"COME AT ME, FUCKWIT!" The Boss shouts.
Robotnik smirks. "Cum at you, you say?"
"C'mon, hurry up!" The Boss says as he starts to charge, but then stops. "Huh?"
Robotnik nods. "Indeed." He suddenly disappears.
The Boss looks around for a moment when he suddenly felt a hand forcing his head to the ground and another hand on his ass.
"What the fuck!?" The Boss shouted.
"Robotnik! Get off of him!" Sonic shouted.
"Get off in him you say?" Robotnik said with a grin. "I was already going to do that for can't you see? He wants the 🅿I🆖🅰5️⃣ ."
The Boss struggled, but he was weighed down by the fat bastard. He tried to kick Robotnik, but missed due to being distracted by the hand on his ass which he noted had a very hard pole-like object poking into him.
"SCRATCH! GROUNDER!" Robotnik shouted. Immediately his two robot servants appeared. "Make sure you hold him down and make this little bastard show some respect to the great Robotnik!"
The two mechanicals grabbed the Boss and held him down.
"No! Get off!" The Boss shouted as they started to force his head into the ground.
"Mmm..." Robotnik began as he licked his lips. "Your screams of protest only make me HARDER!"
Suddenly, someone hovers over and behind Robotnik. An almost sans-like presence. The shadow raises their hand, and the Boss begins to float.
Robotnik was about to look up at the person above him when he was suddenly tackled by CJ.
"Hope you can keep up mofucka!" CJ shouted right as he pinned Robotnik to the floor.
"GET YER FUCKIN' HANDS OFF OF MEEEE!"
"Not gonna happen fucker!"
Robotnik struggled to get up, but was pinned. Then he had an idea.
"Keep up?" Robotnik began. "Oh you picked the wrong time to ask me that for my 🅿I🆖🅰5️⃣ is still hard."
Suddenly CJ felt something hard crash against his back which caused his grip to loosen which gave Robotnik more than enough time to land a devastating punch to his face.
"Oh shi-"
"Enough!" The shadow shouted. "Robotnik, you're a fucking monster. You know that?"
Robotnik just laughed.
"No Hilds!" CJ began. "It's okay, go save yo' friend. We all got dis!"
"I won't let"- Hilda growls. "I am not going to let that monster hurt you!"
"Don't worry." Ryeet said right as he charged for Robotnik with Sully by his side. "He won't."
Robotnik turns towards the approaching combatants with a grin.
"Ah more bitches to creampie." Robotnik said. "Well then come on!"
Sully immediately slammed Robotnik into a tree, causing him to groan with pain. Before he could recover however, Sully pulled away right as Ryeet landed a vicious roundhouse kick right to his face.
"You fuckin' NI🅱🅱ERS!" Robotnik shouted.
Almost immediately, CJ charged toward Robotnik and landed a vicious twenty punches right to his gut and followed that up by kicking him up into the sky.
Right when he reached the clouds, Goku suddenly materialized above him and landed a brutal kick to his jaw that sent him flying into a mountain below them.
"FUCK!" Robotnik shouted as he got up.
Goku then turned to Hilda. "Not to worry. We all got this! Just go save Dakteam."
Goku quickly sent a powerful energy blast right into Robotnik's face.
Hilda kicked Robotnik in the top of his cranium, causing stars to surround his head and a dumbstruck stunned expression on his face. "Come on!" He grumbles "🅱itch!" Scratch says as he rushes to Ro🅱otnik's aid.
Hilda let out a fearsome roar and charged towards Scratch. She grabbed him by the face and pulled him into a full nelson.
"Grounder!"
"Right here bo-" Suddenly Grounder is interrupted by a fist tearing right through his chest. Hilda then lets go of Scratch and quickly sends another fist right into his skull.
"Serves you trash right." Vegeta said right as he pulled his fist from the robot's lifeless body.
"Hey, best buddy! What happened to the second Vegeta?"
"I merged with him and became whole once again."
"That's great Getes!"
"G-... Okay, Kakarot!" Getes says.
Hilda quickly punches Scratch in the stomach and picks him up by his neck. She then lifts him up with his feet off the floor.
"Hey! That's illegal!" Scratch says.
"You deserved it." Hilda grunts as she takes off flying.
"HELP!" He yells.
Goku runs over to Scratch and breaks his foot as he grabs him by the face.
Vegeta raises an eyebrow as he looks at Goku.
"Wait a second, how the hell did you do that Kakarot?!"
"The Saiyan body has natural abilities for breaking bo-" Vegeta immediately rushed towards Goku.
"Except that was done instantly! How does one break a foot instantly like that?!" Vegeta shouted.
"You fucking M🅾NK3️⃣Y5️⃣!"
Goku lightspeed-punches him right in the jaw, causing him to fall on the ground as he attempts to regain his footing.
"Oh and now you lightspeed punch Robotnik! Yes way to break the laws of phys-" Vegeta pauses when he feels a pair of hands grip his ankles.
"GOTCHA BITCH! OLOLOLOLOLO!" Goku looked up in shock as one of his oldest friends, Piccolo, was just rapidly spinning Vegeta round and round and round before he then chucked him right into a tree.

Hilda is flying around Robotnik's Fortress. Bots are fighting each other. All of Robotnik's villains are here. Mammoth, Ant, etc.
"Come on, let's kill this bitch!"
"Wait, why would you want to kill such a fine piece of ass?" Yoda said right as he leapt down to face Hilda.
"Oh? You're approaching me? Instead of running away you're coming right to me?" Hilda says, seriously, but also slightly amused.
"Beat the shit out of you without getting closer, I cannot."
"Oh ho! Then come as close as you like."
Yoda approaches Hilda at breakneck speeds.
Hilda smiles. "Too slow, too slow! Even with the MEEM side of the Force, you are still too slow. My speed and power far exceed yours."
Yoda attempts to grab Hilda's arm. She pulls it away and then back again, twisting his wrist. He growls.
"So it's the same energy as Dr. Robotnik. Not much motility, but immense power and precise movements."
"You assume much."
Hilda pulls her foot back to kick Yoda in the face. He moves his head just in time and she instead kicks him in the stomach. He falls to his knees before her.
Yoda then quickly rolls away and stomps his foot down, manifesting behind him a giant green figure right as he screamed one phrase out.
"STANDO PAWAA!"
Hilda laughs heartily. "You have a Stand? Well, I have a Stand as well! ESSENSU OFU PEEJAMA!"
Hilda's Stand appears: Essence of Pajama. Yoda's eyes widen.
"Of course, I could defeat you without my Stand, but where's the fun in not fighting fairly?" Hilda raises her hands and two energy balls appear from them. Her Stand copies her movements. "PEEJAMA PUROJEKUTION!"
Yoda quickly shakes his head and then lunges towards Hilda and launches a flurry of punches all the while screaming one particular phrase over and over again.
"MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA!"
Essence of Pajama fires a beam at Yoda, he blocks with his forearm and punches it, redirecting the beam back at Hilda. She gasps as she is hit in the chest.
Hilda sighs. "Give me a break." She says. Then, she holds her hands up into the air. "ESSENSU OF PEEJAMA: PEEJAMA DESUTORUKUTION!"
The ball of energy lands on Yoda, burning off his clothes. Hilda snaps out of her Jojo mode. "Oh, I am so sorry!"
Yoda forced himself to his feet and grins. "Impressive. You're the first opponent to burn off my clothes! Unfortunately for you, now my full power can be unleashed." He gathers the energy in his 🅿1️⃣🆖🅰5️⃣ and fires a powerful beam of pure energy at her.
Hilda blocks it with her arms. "G-gh...! N-nani?!"
Yoda laughs and raises his hand for a final attack. "FOOL!" He yells.
"My love stop!" Yoda suddenly pauses and looks back. "We were gonna do this together remember?!"
Yoda's smile disappears, and the grin reappears. "Of course!" He turns back to Hilda.
Right then and there, you enter the fray by using Instant Transmission... only to end up falling on top of Yoda.
"Damn it!" Yoda says before you get up.
Hilda stands staring at you and Yoda.
"Dakteam?" She asks.
"... Yes?" You answer.
"What do you want to do right now?"
Your eyes widen. "Wha? Wait are you serious?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?" You ask.
"Yeah, I'm super serious."
"I..." Suddenly you grasp your head as it begins to throb in pain. "I want to stop..." You drop to your knees for a few moments and begin to quiver and shake. However, it only happens for a few seconds as if whatever you were fighting quickly managed to regain control. At that point your head jerks upward and you stare at Hilda with a most unsettling grin. "I WANT TO TI🅱🅱IE YOUR 🅱I🅱🅱IES 🅱I🅱🅱A!"
"What?" Hilda says.
"That's what I want to do!" You continue to grin with a laugh.
"... Why?"
"Because." With that one word you suddenly charge for Hilda. "Good bitches suck dick!" It is with that sentence that you immediately try to glomp Hilda.
... Silence.
"ESSENSU OFU SAMU: BIRUSU GODDO OFU DESUTORUKUTION!" "Wha..." Hilda says.
A giant gaping purple and blue energy ball appears. "JIANTO GAPINGU ANYASU!"
You feel a force knock you back. "KILL YOU I WILL!"
Yoda suddenly leapt into the air with dick erect, ready to pounce Hilda only to then be stopped by a light blue blur that launched him straight into a wall.
Hilda sighs. "I am getting bored of this shitty-meme bout."
"Me too sis." Sam says as he lowers himself to the ground.
"Sam?"
"Yeah, sis?"
"Take Yoda out of the fight."
Sam nods.
Hilda turns to Dakteam.
"Dakteam?"
"Do you want to suck my dick?"
"No."
"Do you want to be fucked in the ass?"
"No."
"Then I'm going down on that pussy." Dakteam says with a murderous smirk. This... is not coming from the MEEM-Side influence, but rather, the small, unconscious normalized Vic-ness that Dakteam already had within him.
"Dakteam, I have a question for you."
"What?"
Dakteam cocks his head to the side. "Look unless it's a question about if I want to tibbie bibbies or fuck some titties then I ain't interested."
"Do you know the secret of Yoda's Stand?"
Sam eyes you, waiting eagerly for his answer.
"No."
"Do you want to?"
"Yes. Of course I want to learn my lover's secret."
"... It drains your life force every time he uses it, because in that DNA you have, he is in it."
Sam's eyes widen as he casually caught Yoda's fist.
"Wait. What?" Dakteam asked.
"You are capable of resisting mind control easily; you have a 'talent' for it. What most practice for, to resist it with ease, you have at the ready inside of you. Now, don't think of this as an absolute barrier against mind control; you just have a naturally exponentially higher innate skill for resisting it."
"No, don't listen to her baby!" Yoda shouted to Dakteam. "It isn't mind control and I'd never steal your lifeforce! I only want your l-" Yoda is silenced by a punch to the face by Sam.
"Dakteam, I also have another secret for you... your stand is ZA WARUDO!"
Dakteam's eyes widen as a memory comes to him, a memory about his fight with the Grinch. That's when he drops to his knees and grasps his head all the while energy begins to emanate from him.
"No. No. No!" He cries.
"Damn it, why do you filthy fucking sows have to ruin everything?!" Yoda screams to Hilda. "Why can't you be good girls who feed us sandwiches and willingly offer your pussies to us to fuck?!"
"Because I don't kneel to incels." Hilda replies.
At this Yoda begins to pace, he turns to you.
"Dakt... sweetie. You know I love you right? You remember our night on that planet don't yo-"
"Shut up." You growl, cutting Yoda off.
"What?" Yoda asks, his voice slightly afraid.
"I said..." You begin as you turn towards him before suddenly charging forth and gripping him by the face. "SHUT UP!"
Yoda's face gets slapped a few times before you let him go.
"Fuck you." You say.
"Dakt, please! Listen to me!" Yoda says in a calm but desperate voice.
You respond promptly to this by kicking Yoda square in the balls.
"Agh! Fuck!"
"That was for mind controlling me!"
"What? I did no such thing!"
You drew your fist back. "This is for harming my friends!" You shout right as you slammed your fist right into Yoda's nutsack so hard, you couldn't help but notice that they practically exploded over your hand.
"AGH!" Yoda whimpers in pain.
"What the fuck is all the commotion?!" Quigley shouts right as he enters the room all the while letting out a groggy yawn.
"Hey Quigley, check this out!" You say and show him Yoda's ruined genitals.
"Ah, fuck..." Quigley then smiles. "You know Yoda can just repair those?" Quigley says with the edge in his voice of a 4channer, "... 🅱et🅰 cuck."
You then smirk. "Oh really, then tell me Quigley, why isn't he healing right away?" Right then and there Quigley's eyes widened.
"Excuse me?"
At that moment you heard a door being flung off its hinges. You turn and see Leap and his family hopping into the room.
"Hey 👀 🅱🅾🆖sm🆗ers! I herd u liek... SURPRISE BUTTSEX!" Leap shouts as he charges for you.
"ZA WARUDO!" You shout.
Everything slows to stagnation. Even Hilda is affected, though not completely. She gives you a smile slowly.
You then rush towards Leap and his family and with extreme accuracy and speed, you deliver neck chops to all of them. Then with a snap of your fingers, time resumes and they all fall to the ground unconscious.
"U wot m8?" Quigley asks. "I'll fukin rek y-" You interrupt him with a swift punch to his nose.
"Oh my God you have no idea how old that meme shit gets." You say to Quigley while rolling your eyes.
You then turn towards Hilda. "Thanks for saving me Hilda."
"Hm, you're welcome." Hilda says with a nod.
You then turn towards Sam. "Oh my God Sam! It's so good to see you!"
"S-s-sam! Sam Sam Sam Sam!" Yoda yells, "Wazzat? I can haz cheese toast? Sam!"
Your eyes widen. "Uh what's happening to Yoda?"
"He's unable to control the MEEMs with his mind, they're just making whatever noise they want."
"What do I do?"
"Watch them." Hilda replies, smirking, and crossing her arms.
"Watch them?" You ask. "Why?"
"They're about to coagulate. Just don't look away for a moment if you want to see what I mean by that."
You decide to just go with what she's saying and kept watching.
"Oompa Loompa Suck-a-peepee... 🅱 👀 M🅰N! Oompa Loompa Suck-a-peepee! Oompa Loompa Suck-a-peepee...! 🅱 👀👀👀👀 🅱😂 🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿 👏👏 👏👏 👏 👏! HE1️⃣🅿 ⓂEE! I'Ⓜ 1️⃣ 5️⃣0️⃣ MUCH 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿 🅱1️⃣🅱🅱🅰 😂😂🎃NOT🆗!"
"WHAT THE FUCK?!
You then turn towards Hilda. "SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!"
"MEEM." Yoda says, in a monotone voice. "MEEM MEEM MEEM."
"HILDA!" Big Smoke screamed right as he entered the room. "Somethin's happenin' to me!"
You look back at Smoke and watch with horror as parts of his body were starting coagulate. "Smoke!" You shout out concerned.
Big Smoke stops mid-sentence and then stops moving. He's still alive, but you start to see his body parts seemingly freeze in place.
"H...help!" Smoke wheezes.
Hilda walks over to Smoke. "We'll help you." She says, putting a hand on his shoulder. "The G.S.F. is so much more than a meme."
You continue to watch and see Hilda apply her hand. You see his body briefly react as if it hurts, but then appear to calm him down.
"W-wait! That's not right!" Quigley says, 🅿issed off. "What do you 🅱I🅱🅱3️⃣R5️⃣ think you be doing?!"
"Helping a friend." You say as you point at Quigley. "After that? We'll kick your ass."
Quigley copies your motions. "I like your style, Dakteam!" He says. "Very... reichish of you!"
As Quigley drafted a plan to kick your ass, Smoke seemed to have calmed down.
"Thanks Hilda." Smoke says.
"No." She says.
"What do you mean, no?"
You just stare stonefaced at Quigley in response to what he just said. "Okay, forget kicking your ass. I'm gonna break my whole-ass leg off in it."
"No, because I haven't even helped you yet."
"Yo' Grove attitude is all I need, Hilds."
"Oh your whole-ass leg?" Quigley said with a laugh. "Wow Dak, I didn't realize your leg was actually an ass! Talk about fucked up genetics." He laughs.
"Quigley, shut the fuck up." Hilda warns.
Quigley ignores her. "It's a good thing I don't feel like gettin' my T1️⃣🅱🅱1️⃣3️⃣5️⃣ 🅱1️⃣🅱🅱1️⃣3️⃣D, huh?"
You simply shake your head. "Yare, yare daze." You say with a hint of exasperation.
"Pumpa penis lickadick!" Quigley shouts- "Uh, shit! The MEEMs are malfucktioning!"
You turn to see the flashing blue lights of the police car.
"Get the fuck out here, Quigley." The deep voice from within the car says.
"Fuck!" Quigley says.
"Are we going to fight man or are you going to keep going on with this meme bullshit?" You say to Quigley.
"It'sa you and me, dawg." He says to you.
"In that case." You then get into a fighting stance. "Ore o taosun nara ima ga chansu da zo. Kakatte koi yo." You say.
"What the fuck is that shit?" Quigley says.
He gets into a fighting stance. "Sukku emuwai dikku dakutiamu!" He says. You watch as he begins to morph his body, a blue glow emanating from his body.
"What's he doing?" Hilda asks. "Is he getting ready to fight?"
You shake your head. "That's not even real Japanese. That's just you saying something in a highly racist fashion."
"Timii to shoo yo su reru bigu dikku enaegii!" Quigley says, in that same highly-racist fashion.
"Big di"- Hilda says, looking at you.
You nod at her. "Jeez, some things never change."
"What's he saying?" she asks again.
You finally decide that you've had enough of this and in one motion, you tear off your shirt and stare up at Quigley.
Quigley materializes his stand. "Su Fukkingu ARUFABETTO!"
You take in a deep breath and shut your eyes. You're now perfectly calm and are letting energy channel up through your body which is now emanating a bright blue aura.
"Timii sukaa da..." You hear Quigley mutter.
Right away you waste no time and lunge for Quigley and launch a lightning fast series of taps and punches all the while repeating one familiar phrase. "ATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA!"
You feel your punches and kicks connecting with Quigley's defense, he blocks everything you throw at him but he doesn't retreat an inch.
You continue this for a few more seconds before you then jump back. You put you hands up.
Quigley laughs in response to what you did. "You little 🅱1️⃣🅱🅱🅰, what kind of attack was that? I didn't even feel my 🅿1️⃣🆖🅰5️⃣ get hard." You simply ignore him and instead hold out one hand to point at him.
"Omae wa mou shindeiru." You say.
"N-NANI?!"
Then Quigley grasps his head. "O-oh... OOOOOO🆖🅱🅾🆖🅱🅾🆖🅱1️⃣🅱🅱🅾🆖🅱🅾🆖🅿1️⃣🆖🅰5️⃣👏👏👏👏👏👀👏👏 👏👏👏👀👏👏👀👀👀😂😂😂 😂 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅾🅾🅿🆑🅾🆖🅿🅾🆖🆑🅾🆖❤❤❤😉😉😁😁😁😆😆 "- His head 3️⃣X🅿1️⃣🅾D3️⃣5️⃣ in a shower of Ⓜ3️⃣3️⃣Ⓜ5️⃣.
You stand staring at the carnage for a few more seconds, your expression showing remorse and regret. You wish you didn't have to kill Quigley but you knew, it had to be done. Then you let out a sigh as you turn to face Hilda. "Let's get out of here." You say to her.
Hilda stands over Quigley. She looks down at him with a frown. "You killed him..."
Hilda and you walk out of the room. She is upset, but will wait for this all to be over to express this to you.
"It couldn't be helped." You say, your voice full of sadness.
"You really think so? You really think that you couldn't have saved him? You were more than capable of incapacitating him! You didn't need to murder him even if you thought that 'was the only option'! I have seen your journey of change, Dakteam, but you aren't done yet."
You sigh as you look at Hilda. "It unfortunately was Hilda. Trust me, as I was looking at him I went over every potential option in my head for how I could stop him without ending his life and every one of those options resulted in either Quigley never stopping or he would just die a slower, more grueling death thanks to his coagulation caused by the MEEM Side of the Force. Not to mention his personality was ingrained in his very core and had existed for years. It wasn't like Leap and his family or even me where chips and grooming led to this, this was something much more severe. Hilda I understand you love life and make no mistake that going forward I'm going to ensure that I will never take lives if I don't have to." You take one moment to look back at the body of Quigley before then going to pick it up. "But in some instances like this? It sadly can't be helped."
"Let's wait." She says. Hilda's moral compass is complicated and she has her reasons for her actions. Whether or not she saw another way in that situation, then... that does show that maybe such a grim view of the world, such a belief in a contingency of murder... that, maybe, it isn't so naive to try to save everyone. You have your own philosophy, but... you don't know. You have never questioned yourself this much before. You are changing, and... perhaps, this is for the better, actually. That you do change and consider other ways of thinking.
As you leave the room and exit out into the outside world, you then use a very light energy blast to blow a small hole in the ground, a hole large enough for a body.
Just as you are about to throw the body in, a shadow in the light of Mobius stands in front of you.
"Snoo🅿1️⃣🆖🅰5️⃣ usual, I see?"
You look up at Robotnik with an expression that was stern but not at all filled with malice. "Now's not the time for this."
"Indeed, you 🅿U5️⃣5️⃣Y."
"Despite all that Quigley had done, he's still a person and one that did a lot for this world so I'm gonna give him a proper burial. I hardly say that makes me a 'pussy'."
Robotnik steps towards you. "My mighty 🅿1️⃣🆖🅰5️⃣ can penetrate all of your orifices, D🅰kt3️⃣🅰m!" He says and leaps at you, grabbing your throat and attempting to strangle the life out of you.
You fight back as best you can, firing bolts of pure energy into his chest, to no effect.
"Lick my 🅿1️⃣🆖🅰5️⃣!" He yells as he attempts to shove his 🅿1️⃣🆖🅰5️⃣ into your mouth, knocking you backward.
Your expression then flashes with anger and you jam your knee right into his chest which causes him to be sent stumbling backward. "I told you now is not the time. I suggest you back off and wait until this burial is finished."
"... 5️⃣🅾 1️⃣ 5️⃣3️⃣3️⃣, TH1️⃣5️⃣ 1️⃣5️⃣ H🅾W Y🅾U ©H🅾🅾5️⃣3️⃣ T🅾 F🅰C3️⃣ me..." He says and collapses on the ground.
You simply ignore Robotnik as you set Quigley's corpse down in the grave.
"D🅰KT3️⃣🅰Ⓜ, TH1️⃣5️⃣ 1️⃣5️⃣ H🅾W Y🅾U ©H🅾🅾5️⃣3️⃣... TH1️⃣5️⃣."
You sigh as you begin to cover Quigley with clumps of dirt.
"😂 D🅰KT3️⃣🅰Ⓜ, I'M GOI🆖 T🅾 🆑🅰🅿 Y🅾U® 🅿🅾🅾🅿 👏💩."
Still ignoring Robotnik, you finish up the grave.
"I'M 💋 G🅾I🆖 TO 🆑🅰🅿 Y🅾U® CH3️⃣3️⃣K5️⃣."
You finally stand up and turn to face Robotnik. "You're not gonna clap anyone's cheeks. Your reign of terror and outdated memes are over." You say sternly.
"🅿3️⃣3️⃣🅿3️⃣3️⃣5️⃣." He says, then shakes his head. The power of most MEEMs comes from their hold on someone's mind, but you are resisting the hold of this ancient meme.
Despite his best efforts, he is not getting through to you, as you have discovered the mind is a powerful thing.
"Eh, fine." He says.
You get into a fighting stance and casually power up to maximum.
"🆗 🅱🅾🅾Ⓜ3️⃣®." Robotnik says, smirking.
He raises his hand into the air and a large, glowing, red button appears on the ground. He steps towards it as his other hand disappears into his robe.
"🆑🅾🅿🅿1️⃣🆖 T🅾 🅿🅾N1️⃣3️⃣5️⃣ 1️⃣5️⃣ MY F🅰V🅾R1️⃣T3️⃣ 🅿🅰5️⃣TT1️⃣M3️⃣!" Robotnik shouts.
You waste no time and land a vicious punch right into his gut which sends him flying into a mountain. He slams into it and the button disappears, along with part of the mountain.
"G🅾I👿 W👿1N3 V👿1C3!"
You immediately charge towards him and land a powerful elbow into his nose. He falls back into the now gaping hole he created and disappears from your sight.
"R🅾3D1N9 K1N3 OF M4."
You close your eyes and just wait. You know that he'll show himself sooner or later, there's no point in trying to detect his energy right now.
"4V3 🅰3 V4 P3 S4LV3." A voice suddenly whispers behind you.
You turn around quickly, remembering to keep your guard up.
"r3434."
He laughs. "🆑🅾🆖 🆑🅾🆖 🆑🅾🆖 🆗 🅱🅾🆖5️⃣M🅾K3️⃣®!"
You immediately open your eyes and slam him down into the ground with a vicious overhead strike.
You stare down at Robotnik, waiting to see what kind of move he'll make.
"🆑1️⃣🆖 🆑🅾🆖 🅱1️⃣🆖 🅱🅾🆖!"
"T1M3'S C4R3 🅱🅾🆗 1️⃣!" He yells, grabbing a bunch of metal pieces and throwing it at you. He yells, summoning up a barrier to block your strike.
You summon up all the energy you can and fire a large energy wave that tears through Robotnik's barrier.
You then immediately fly up to him and launch fifty punches straight to his chest. Every time you hit him, he lets out a pathetic yelp.
"F4V3 4 RV1D3 🅱🅾1!"
"🅱🅾🅾ND🅾CK5️⃣, N1️⃣🅱🅱🅰"
"4V3 ⏱️4 ⌠️!"
You disappear and materialize in front of him and launch another attack, and then another.
Robotnik shakes the nonsense off of himself and grimaces. "ENOUGH!" He roars.
You stop in surprise. That wasn't the kind of nonsense you were used to dealing with from him.
He steps forward towards you, grabbing your energy with his palm outstretched.
You then teleport behind him and tap him on the shoulder. "HEY! WHAT'S GOOD?!" You shout right as you kick Robotnik in the spine.
He turns around and falls over. "H-hey." He says rubbing his back. "Why are you screaming there, boy?"
You smirk. "Oh come on, you were screaming way earlier, I thought you'd like my attempt at a reference."
Robotnik frowned. "YOU FILTHY N1️⃣🅱🅱3️⃣®! YOU ME5️⃣5️⃣3️⃣D UP THAT M3️⃣🅰M, D🅰KT3️⃣🅰M 🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖!"
You shrug. "Didn't feel the need to be racist."
"Don't do it again. Don't ruin MEEMERY!" He warns.
"🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖- NO, NOT LETTING THIS NONSENSE GET OUT OF HAND!"
You immediately close the difference between you and Robotnik. You shout with fury right as you grip Robotnik's dick, your nails digging right into his flesh.
"N3V3X33R!
You look at him and smirk right as you begin to charge up a powerful energy ball in the same hand that's currently grasping his dick.
"DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE! T3H1G4T #🅱🅾!" He shouts and releases you.
"🅱🅾🆖 🅱🅾🆖 🅱🅾🆖 🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🅾🅾🆖! 🆑🅾🅾🆖 5️⃣🅿🅾🅾🆖 🅰5️⃣ Ⓜ3️⃣Ⓜ3️⃣5️⃣ Ⓜ🅰🆖!"
You drop the energy ball and step backwards, taking a breather.
Robotnik slowly stands up and stretches. He then wipes off some of the 🆑UⓂ on his cheek.
You simply stare at him as you crack your neck, your expression looking bored. "This is honestly getting old, do you have anything more than just ridiculous earrape-volume meme garbage?" You ask.
" 💩 🆗 🍆🍆🍆🍆 🅿1️⃣🆖🅰5️⃣ 🆗 5️⃣ 🅿🅾🅾🅿5️⃣ Ⓜ🅰🆖 🅿🅾🅿 5️⃣🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅾🅾🅿 Ⓜ🅾🅾 🍆!" He says.
"Yeah, I can't understand a damn word you're saying, this is pathetic." You reply.
"🆑🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🆖!" He says as he turns his head to the side.
"You're saying fuck-all again." You reply with a yawn.
"🅿1️⃣5️⃣5️⃣ 🅾FF 🅱1️⃣TCH🅱1️⃣🅱🅱3️⃣R!" He shouts.
"That's not polite Robotnik, you forgot to say please." You reply.
"1️⃣ 🅰Ⓜ N🅾T 🅰 D3️⃣🅰D Ⓜ3️⃣3️⃣Ⓜ!" He says in a robotic fashion.
"Says the meme that has been out of style for literally 14 years." You say as you cross your arms.
"🅰5️⃣ 🅾🆎5️⃣!" He shouts in a robotic fashion.
"Yeah I've seen better." You reply sarcastically.
"1️⃣ 🅰Ⓜ 🆖🅾1️⃣ 🅰 🅱3️⃣🅰🅿 Ⓜ3️⃣3️⃣Ⓜ‼‼‼‼‼‼💯💯💯💯💯💯" He says in a robotic fashion.
You immediately charge for Robotnik and with your two fingers, you poke him in the eyes.
"❤❤💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💢💢💢💢💥💥💥💥💥 AAAAAAAHHHHH! DAKTEAM, YOU HAVE PISSED ME OFF! SUCK MY 🅿1️⃣N3️⃣5️⃣5️⃣3️⃣5️⃣!"
He falls to the ground and begins to violently cough. He starts to wheeze and struggle to breathe. 🅱1️⃣🅾🅾D spews out of his nostrils as he tries to speak.
"Oh look at that, the dead meme is finally dying." You comment.
"FUCK YOU! F-FFFUCK... OH SH🅱🅱🅾🆖‼ 🅱🅾🆖🅿🅾🅾🆖🅿🅾🆖🅾🅿🅾🅾🆖🅿🆖🅾🅿🅾🅱🆖🅱🅿5️⃣🅱🆖5️⃣🅾🅱🆖🅿🅱🆑🅱🆖🅿🅱Ⓜ🆑Ⓜ🅱🆗🅿🅱Ⓜ🆗🅱🅿🆗🅱🆖🅾🆗🆖Ⓜ🅱🆑🆖🅰🅰🅱🆗👀 🚈🌹😉😂🌹 🚈💢🆗🚠🌹 😁😂💢 😆😉😂6️⃣👀🎉😂 🆑🚚©"-
You just roll your eyes as you kick Robotnik through about forty trees. He makes a few grunts of disapproval.

You immediately charge for him and land over seventy punches right to Robotnik's balls followed up by eighty punches to his dick and just to really inflict pain, you land eighty kicks straight to his toes. Tears are streaming down the OGR's face as he tries to curl up in a ball.
"FUCK! FUCK! S-STOP! STOP!" He cries.
"© ⬆NK!" He screams.
"🆖🅾🆖🅾🆖🅾🆖🅾🆖!" He constantly screams the whole time you're punishing him.
"Ey! Is dat eet!" You hear a voice shout from behind you.
You turn around and find yourself staring at a massive OGRE.
You look up in shock only to then change your tune to one of boredom. "Oh goddamn it, of course there'd be a meme-clone of Shrek." You reply right as you grab the big green son of a bitch and toss them right into Robotnik.
"Oof!" "Aaaah!"
As you get up, you hear the Ogre cursing at you.

"Celestial bae, I see an abomination! Must zank you fer saving me frum it." "💩"
"Thanks again bud."
Mobius is falling apart. The robots are rebelling. Shit is going down. Chaos is reigning. And you're not sure if you should try to save a certain 🅿1️⃣🆖🅰5️⃣ or just run like fuck as soon as possible.
You look at Robotnik and grumble. "ENOUGH OF THESE STUPID MEMES!" You shout right as you power up to Super Saiyan and charge for Robotnik with you casually smacking the ogre out of the way before then staring at Robotnik. "Listen well and listen good. You are beaten, your meme army is through, you will not win if you continue. Please if you know what's good, give up now and don't push this any further."

"What?" You ask.
"Zat's eeen my oik, I'ze bespoken in! You ain't eefet!"
You raise an eyebrow. "What the fuck did you even say?"
"🅱🅱🅾🆖." Robotnik repeats. "🅾H G🅾🆖 🅱🅾🆖!"
"You should have been clearer... forget it, you're stalling." You comment. "Look Robotnik, look around you! Your fortress is crumbling, your plans are through and you're most likely going to die here. Unless you want that please give up now and come with us if you want to live!"
"🆖3️⃣Ⓜ3️⃣🅿- NEVER! I WILL 🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖 🆑🅾🆖- AAAH! I WILL NEVER LET YOU 🅱🅾🆖! NO! I WILL 🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖‼‼‼‼‼‼💯💯💯💯💯 AAAAH! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!"
You back away from the 🅱🅾🆖5️⃣Ⓜ🆗3️⃣®. You hear a strange sound and turn around to see a large laser beam coming from the top of the castle and melting the ogre in half.
You flash a look at the laser beam and then look towards Robotnik. You let out a growl. "ROBOTNIK! PLEASE DON'T BE STUPID! GIVE THIS GAME UP!"
"Never!" He shouts.
The laser beam disappears and the roof of the castle comes crumbling down, crushing a few ogres that are attempting to escape through the new hole in the roof.
"🅱🅾🆖▫▫▫ 🆗 F⬆🆖3️⃣! YOU WWWW🅾🆖! YOU WIN!" 🅱🅾🆖.
Robotnik looks around and starts to run.
You waste no time and grip him by the back of his shirt.
You stare at Robotnik for a few moments and grit your teeth as you contemplate this man's monumentally stupid decision-making as well as what fate you should let him have. You know very well the kind of atrocities this man caused but you also remember what Hilda said. Eventually, you sigh and power down before then slinging him over your shoulder just as Hilda showed up. "I ain't letting you die just because of pride over a stupid meme." You said.
"Urgh... I'm so undigni🅱🅱🅰5️⃣🅱🅾🆖- I shouldn't use memes right now..."
"No you shouldn't." You say before turning towards Hilda who was carrying Leap and his entire family telekinetically.
"Is the threat neutralized yet?" She asked.
You nod your head. "I think so."
"You know where any of the others are?" You ask Hilda.
"They've Instant Transmissioned back home because... Big Smoke backed out of the fight and asked them all to hold hands 'for a Grove Street Families memento'... then Big Smoke Instant Transmissioned back home. I watched it happen through my mind, and... well, that was shitty team ethic."
You raise an eyebrow and then you sigh before then holding out your hand towards Hilda.
Hilda looks at it and then at you.
Hilda hands you a communicator.
You then shake your head. "Sorry I should've been specific... can you um... hold my hand?" You ask sheepishly.
Hilda is confused and disturbed, and startled by this gesture. She backs up slightly. "... So, after everything we've been through, this is who you are now?"
You immediately shake your hand. "Oh good lord no. I'm more meaning because well every time I try Instant Transmission I always screw things up and since you've mastered it, I was thinking it'd be better if I held your hand so you could help me lock onto the energy signature."
Hilda relaxes slightly. "Oh"-
"Yeah sorry about leading you on a... totally more disturbing line of thought at first. It's still a little difficult for me to ask for help." You say.
"I understand. Now just lock onto the energy flow."
You were just about to hold your fingers up to your forehead when a realization hit you. "Wait a second there's no way Smoke could've convinced people like Goku to leave with him. He must be still fi-"
"OLOLOLOLOLO! THE DANGALANG MAN COMES A KNOCKIN'!" You immediately turn to see the source of the scream only to see, of all people, Piccolo, now completely naked, charging for you all the while engaging in what you swore was really bad falsetto.
Hilda punches him in the face so hard that he lets out a "🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖▫▫▫" and rubs his cheek... "O-oh- where the hell am I?!" You really can't tell if it's him or not as he has a permanent dumbfounded look on his face.
"Piccolo?" You ask. "Is that you?"
"Ugh..." Piccolo groaned as he rubbed his head. "Wha-what happe-" Suddenly he was cut off by a direct punch to the face by Goku which sent him into a tree.
"Dakteam! Hilda!" Goku called out right after he saw you two. "There's not much time to explain but Piccolo has been acting so weird, he keeps saying things like 'ololololo' and 'dangalang' and he won't let up!"
"I already punched the 'BONGSMOKER' out of him." Hilda says with an expression of 'Let's go the fuck home'.
Goku looks on a little dumbfounded. "Wait really?"
"Goku?" Piccolo called out. "What are you doing here and why did you hit m-" He's then interrupted by Vegeta charging in with a vicious kick to his chest.
"I don't care if you're controlled or not Namekian, no one throws the Saiyan Prince by the ankles!" Vegeta shouted right as he started charging an energy blast. In response to this sight, you facepalm. "Shit, this has been one of those nights." You say to yourself.
"Ay, busta left me here!" Sweet says, pissed off.
You then look to Hilda. "I want to get the fuck off this planet."
Hilda nods.
Everyone holds each other's hands, with you putting a hand on Hilda's shoulder. You look at everyone and then you put two fingers to your forehead and begin to concentrate.
"Focus, focus... GOTCHA!" You think to yourself and before you know it, you along with everyone else teleported away just as the planet fell apart to MEEMS and other bullshit. Almost immediately afterwards you quickly look around expecting to get it right and much to your pleasant surprise, you actually managed to teleport to Big Smoke and the others just fine.
"WHOA WHAT THE FUCK?!" Big Smoke shouted right as he jumped up on the couch.
"Yes." You say giddily. "YES I DID IT! I FINALLY USED THIS DAMN TECHNIQUE RIGHT!"
Big Smoke just sits there, looking around in awe.
"Ay Smoke, da fuck you leave me fo' nigga?" Sweet asked.
Hilda walks over to Big Smoke. "Smoke, what the hell?! You left us and we had to face all of the meme bullshit alone!"
"Well, after I recovered from my coagulative episode, I decided... nah, fuck it, I ain't dyin' on the same planet I was created and brainwashed on to be a fat person MEEM!"
"Smoke, we nearly died on that planet!" You say.
"He ain't kiddin' Smoke, we all nearly succumbed to a death by memes and yo' bitch-ass left us behind!" Sweet shouts.
"Ay, I was once a lowly MEEM too! I was all about tryin' to escape that planet! And no way in hell was I going back! I could've been GLOMPED, man!"
Hilda empathizes with Smoke's past. "Smoke, you had a rough past. And I understand that. But you abandoning us over that past"-
"Yeah whatever. No, not after what Robotnik did to me as a MEEM."
"Ay chill homie, you at least back now so s'all good now." Ryder said, prompting Sweet to look his way.
"I don't think you should be speakin' to me busta!" Sweet replied as he rubbed his temples. "Don't you think I forgot about how you abandoned me the moment that fusion ended and I was left to fend for myself while Robotnik tried to rape my a-" He then noticed who you had slung over your shoulder. "NIGGA WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE HIS ASS HERE?!"
"Ugh... 🅿1️⃣🆖🅱🅾🆖- No, still can't use it."
You look at Sweet. "He was beaten. I saw no need to kill him."
"No need to kill him?" Vegeta said with a scoff. "Oh so suddenly we're just gonna be pacifists towards molesters? Real sound thinking you have there."
"I will not let you kill him." Hilda says. "So if anyone's thinking is unsound, it is mine."
Vegeta stares at Hilda with an eyebrow raised. "Are you kidding me?! Get out of here with that bleeding heart crap!"
"Vegeta relax." You say to the Saiyan Prince. "I know it sounds bad bu-hold on a second didn't you used to be two people last time I saw you?"
"Tch, I merged with that one and became whole once more." Vegeta said as he crossed his arms. "You know Kakarot asked me the same thing and HOW IS THIS EVEN IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW CONSIDERING YOU HAVE A MOLESTING BASTARD STILL BREATHING SLUNG OVER YOUR SHOULDER?!"
"Like I said I saw no need to kill him." You reply. "Plus keep in mind this bastard isn't the only one who threatens the world."
"My 🅿🅱🅾🆖- my pingas is flaccid." Robotnik whines. "I need a good pussy to fuck."
You simply ignore Robotnik. "This guy could provide us with a hint on where that other monster is."
"And who would this monster be?" Vegeta asked as he crossed his arms.
"Trelane sir." A random Grove member says. "If you remember Trelane was the very creepy creature that..."
"Vic." You correct. "Vic. No bullshit right now. His name is Vic."
Vegeta raises his eyebrow. "Who the hell is Vic?"
"You know Vic Mignogna? The anime voice actor/creepy stalker and molester?" You say to which Vegeta just stares at you.
"Do I look like the kind of person who's interested in anime let alone television?" Vegeta asks.
"MY PINGAS NEEDS ATTENDING TO!" Robotnik moans.
"He's an anime voice actor that has been harassing everyone, mostly young girls, for years." You explain.
"G-OH GOD HE'S ONE OF THOSE CASTING-COUCH PEDOPHILES!" Vegeta says, disgusted.
"It gets worse. He also runs a gang of assholes called the Vic Vipers who are planning on infecting the universe with chips that makes all the males into molesting freaks and all the women into submissive sex-zombies." You explain.
"That's...pretty terrifying."
"He also goes by the name Trelane."
"NO HE DOES NOT GO BY THE FUCKING NAME 'TRELANE'! STOP INJECTING FANFICCY BULLSHIT INTO THIS!"
"No I'm serious man," The random Grove member replied. "He really does go by Trelane." You feel a vein bulge on your forehead.
"I'M FUCKING SERIOUS MAN! I AM NOT IN THE MOOD FOR BULLSHIT!" You shout. In response the Grove member sighs.
"Well everyone, y'all sit down. I'm gon' have to explain some stuff."
Everyone sits down and the Grove member explains the whole thing.
"So y'all know about Vic Mignogna's downfall right? Well for those who don't, to make this long convoluted stupid story short, basically he got called out by Twitter and two of his fellow voice actors for his antics so he attempted to sue them via a warchest made by a drunken 'lawyer' who wore blackface and a guy who believed that 'see Exhibit _' was something you could put in a legal doc. This suit crashed and burned harder than a drunk bastard in a fighter jet and basically he was cast aside by everyone... except for the Vic stans and the two dipshits in suits I mentioned. After the suit went belly-up, this mofucka' went into the sewers with these people and slowly but surely he amassed an insane amount of followers and planned his comeback in a BIG way. This time, he didn't just want his career back, he wanted EVERYONE'S careers. At this same time, y'all know Konami right? Well at this point Konami found themselves in a rut. Between the bullshit pulled against Kojima and just everything else, Konami was desperate for cash as well as some way of rising back to the top and this is where the two stories intersect. See, after he and his followers, now at this point called the Vic Vipers, amassed enough people? They saw it was time to strike and so they took a plane to Japan and struck a deal with the failing developer Konami... and by deal I mean Vic had his followers fuck the women to literally death and he grasped the CEO by the throat and threw him out with one arm. At this point, he then had the remaining employees use their knowledge to develop the chips to control everyone and here's where that Robotnik asshat enters the scene. Dr. Ivo Robotnik AKA the Pingas King was sick and tired of the fact he was a dead meme and so he wanted a way back into the spotlight and only two years back was when he met Vic who was now going under the name 'Trelane' in order to protect the company Konami which he had then renamed to Rekeita and the Real Americans Inc.. At first Robotnik wanted to force Vic to suck his dick and it was at that point Vic explained the plan and what was that plan? I'll tell you, it was to combine the influence-spreading power of dank memes with his chip plan and Robotnik ADORED the idea. It would mean he'd not only have a steady supply of people to fuck but it also meant that memery could be controlled by him and with that they set their plan into motion with the idea being that they'd soon execute order 69 and have people molest and fuck the universe so hard they'd be sex-crazed, meme-loving zombies that would do nothing but praise Vic all the while sucking off Robotnik who would then make them all his Pingasbibbles which would lead into the proper apocalypse with both these people as the rulers of all time."
You just stare at the Grove member completely dumbfounded and were completely unable to say anything. First off, holy fuck that was a mouthful this dude said but also, you couldn't believe how deeply this plan stretched back or how this single random-ass Grove member knew about this and yet never told anyone about any of it until now.
"That... was classified G.S.F. information." Hilda says, grunting. "The reason it was classified was for reasons of strategy- now it's out there, and it takes one bad Grove member to spread that the Grove knows the truth about Vic and the whole plan falls to pieces. A nonviolent plan. Let's not fuck this up."
"I'm sorry quick question and don't worry it's only three words. WHAT THE FUCK?!" You ask.
"OH YOU LITTLE ROTTEN PUSSIES!" Robotnik shouted. "NO ONE'S SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS MASTERPIECE OF MEEMERY AND SMEXY TIMES!"
Robotnik took out his memery and shoved it into the grove members's head. The grove member screamed in 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿 as the rest of you watched in horror at this violation of bodily autonomy.
Immediately you give Robotnik a quick neckchop which knocks him out cold.
Hilda comforts the violated Grove member.
"Okay." You say. "I'm gonna go lock this guy in a room somewhere and set him up for interrogation."
You're just about to take a step towards a room when you feel something damp and warm on your shoulder. Your eyes immediately widen when you move Robotnik down to the floor and it was right then you notice what looked to be a wound from a shotgun.
"URK!" He groaned. "My gut. You little 🅱🅾🆖5️⃣Ⓜ🆗3️⃣®!" You then turn to see the Boss holding a smoking shotgun out in-front of him while heavily breathing.
"The fuck man?!" You exclaim.
"I heard enough." The Boss said. "The muthafucka deserves to die."
Ro🅱otnik immediately heals. "1️⃣'V3️⃣ G🅾TT3️⃣N C🅾NT®🅾1️⃣ 🅾F THE3️⃣ 🅱🅾🆖 NOW!"
Hilda sighs. "Dakteam, leave the room."
You nod and leave.
"Should we follow him, Hilds?"
"You should." Hilda nods.
They all leave. "Dr. Robotnik." Hilda begins. "You are aware of my power, right?"
"🅾f course I 🅰m, N1️⃣🅱🅱3️⃣®!" He snaps.
"I've been only using a very small decimal of it this whole time." Hilda says, with irritation and boredom. "Training with S"-
"🅱🅾®1️⃣🆖‼ 🅱1️⃣TCH, M🅰K3️⃣ Ⓜ3️⃣ 🅰 5️⃣🅰ND"-
-"aitama has allowed me to push myself to paradoxical levels. I've been using like, what, only 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001^68% of my power?"
"... Wait, that's too bullshit even for this"-
"Shun Goku Satsu." Hilda utters.
Robotnik's memeness is Shun Goku Satsu'd out of him.
"You should've expected that." Hilda says. "Now, explain.
"Hey is it okay if we come in now?" You ask as you peek in through a door.
"Yes." Hilda says.
The rest of your friends file in, save for the Boss and Gat who are being held back by other Saints to keep them from fucking things up. Oh and also CJ stayed back.
"What?" CJ asked. "What the fuck?"
"So is Robotnik ready to talk?" You ask.
"No, he's... turning back into Dr. Ivo Robotnik. He's no longer corrupted by memes." Hilda says, clearly unhappy with him. You look at her with a raised eyebrow.
"Why are you unhappy with me?" You ask.
"Can't we just kill him already?" Vegeta said.
"Wait Hilda I heard you say something about a powerlevel?" Goku says, walking into the room.
"Shut up, Kakarot! That isn't important at this moment!" Vegeta says, looking in the direction of Goku.
"Ugh. Where am I?" Robotnik asked.
"You don't need to know." Vegeta said. "Though if you don't like it here I can easily send you to hell if you'd like. I hear they're quite vacant at this time."
"What? My pingas- my genitals- why am I focused on that? Did that HedgeHog do this? My PINGAS- oh, yes. My PINGAS. PINGAS."
You sigh before then looking at Robotnik. "Alright Doctor, first I just have to ask, what's the last thing you remember happening to you?"
"I remember... bongsmoker?"
"Bongsmoker?" You ask.
At this point, the room is silent.
"I remember..." Dr. Ivo Robotnik says with a confused look on his face.
"This is stupid." Vegeta grumbled to himself. "We should blast the bastard and be done with him."
"Vegeta no." Goku said.
"Huh?" Robotnik asked, clearly fucking not understanding what was going on.
"He's obviously having a memory lapse. We can use this." He looked at Robotnik. "You were there for this, what happened?"
"I... bongsmokers. I remember the bongsmokers."
You nod. "Alright then. Let's go back to that one moment when you were first corrupted."
"That one moment? I... I was hitting a mean blunt when... big... letters encased in squares started appearing, and I began to uncontrollably say 'BONG', 'BBBBBBONG', 'POOPCLAP', et cetera."
"When did the squares appear?" You ask.
"Afterwards. All over the place."
"What were the letters?"
Robotnik rubs his forehead in frustration. "They were... like those touchpad things that kids use on their phones these days. They were 'B'... 'BIBBA' was one of them. Also, a crying and laughing face."
"What else?"
"That's it."
You shake your head. "No, it isn't. What else do you remember?"
Robotnik pauses. "I... remember the bongsm- oh. Oh. Oh shit. They are arriving."
"Who?"
"The Bongsmokers! The Bongsmokers are all of the trashy thug memes that overtook the Meme Palace. Their leader's name was... Pepe."
You raise an eyebrow. "Pepe?"
"Yeah, the frog- Pepe the- The frog! Leap, Leapster, it's all coming together now. One of Leap's grandfathers... was Pepe!"
Immediately Vegeta's eye twitched with fury. "What?" He asked flatly.
"The Bongsmokers are 4chan memes!"
"What?" Vegeta asked, his voice slightly louder.
"4chan! The internet message board!"
"WHAT?!" Vegeta shouted.
"Yes! The trashy cesspool of Trump supporters and Vic stans!"
"... What the hell are you talking about?" Vegeta asks, clearly frustrated by this revelation. "Bongsmokers? Pepe? What does that"-
"🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖!" A voice bellows.
"Oh you've gotta be shitting me." Vegeta commented flatly. "The bastard's real? He's actually real?!"
"It's one of them! One of the worst ones." Vegeta's eyes twitched more.
"I swear to God if it wasn't for the fact I live here and that there's a person here more broken in power than Kakarot I WOULD'VE DESTROYED THIS PLANET!"
"Yes. But because of how memes work, the more you think about, even speak of the Bongsm🅾kers... oh shit!" Robotnik yells, panicking. "Sam! This is why you need to ask Sam for help! He knows the secret of Pepe's Ⓜ3️⃣- memes!"
"Why didn't you tell us that earlier?" Vegeta asked.
"The B🅾ngsmokers- Hold on, I've gotta power up to Super Saiyan Blue to resist the mind control of this!" Goku says.
"What does that-"
"It's a meme! You don't really need to know! Just trust me!"
Robotnik slams his fist on a metal table. "The 🅱🅾🆖-... oh no."
"🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿, NIGGA." CJ says. "What? Oh, ouh, ah, aaah! Ow, oh! OUUUH! AAAAH!"
"Sam! We need your help, bro!" You call out.
"Can someone tell me if I was drugged please?" Vegeta asked right as he powered up to Super Saiyan Blue. "Because seriously, if this is all a trick, I'm punching someone in the di-" Vegeta stopped when a red letter "B" hit him in the dick.
"This ain't a trick, 🅱1️⃣🅱🅱🅰. A secret about me: I am made of pure 🅱🅾🆖5️⃣Ⓜ🆗3️⃣® energy! But I have control o' it and therefore am not a shitty Ⓜ3️⃣3️⃣Ⓜ bro! Sam, he's fought wit' da Bongsmokers befo'!"
"Oh God." Vegeta said as he grasped his dick. "Someone kill me now."
"KYS?" R🅾🅱🅾TN1️⃣K asked, smiling.
You sigh. "I swear after this, the next meme I see I'm gonna smash a fucking monitor."
"Seriously, what the fuck is going on?" Vegeta asked.
You look to Hilda. "So, any ideas on how to stop this thing?"
Hilda nods. "Well, the Bongsmokers are an ideology. I train to resist mind control and I have learned to channel God ki. So has Sam. The first person we should get in contact with is Beerus."
"Beerus?" You ask. "As in the dude who could kill everyone if someone so much as overcooks his pizza, THAT Beerus?"
"You'll be safe. I'll protect you." Hilda says.
Goku smiles and nods. "And apparently I can resist being erased from existence."
"WHAT?!" Vegeta asked right as he turned towards Goku.
"Yeah remember." You say.
"Great, I'll meet you all at the... Fuck! I forgot Chi-Chi!" Goku says and flies off.
"Did Kakarot just say 'fuck'?" Vegeta asks.
"I'll go clear up our permission by visiting the Realm of the Kais. I am considered an honorary God of Destruction by them. The title is gender-neutral. I'll also call up my student, Jiren." Hilda says as she flies away. "I'll also talk to Sheen."
"Wait, are you serious?!" Vegeta asked.
"Jiren. Wait, you mean THAT Jiren?" You ask.
"Yeah, that one." Hilda replies.
"Well..." At that point you then held up two fingers to your forehead. "I'm gonna go meet with some friends as well."
"Who are you going to meet with?" Vegeta asked.
"Well I was thinking I'd start with Shaggy and work my way up from there." You reply. Vegeta just stares at you stone-faced.
"... You're fucking serious aren't you?" Vegeta asked.
"Yeah, why?" You ask.
"That's the most retarded idea you've ever had." Vegeta chokes. "Wait, did I just"-
You shrug your shoulders. "Good luck man!" You say right as you Instant Transmissioned away.
"Wait what the... who the..." Vegeta then just screams all the while powering up to the very limit.

Hilda appears in the Realm of the Kais.
"What the? Who are you?" A big red man by the name of Kibito asked.
"My name is Hilda. I am considered an honorary God of Destruction." Hilda introduces herself.
"Well that's not a very common designation. What do you want?"
"I need permission to wake up Beerus."
"WHAT?!" Kibito asked, his jaw dropping open.
"What's all that noise Kibit-oh, Hilda! What a nice surprise it is to see you here." The Supreme Kai said as he walked towards her.
"I'm here to wake up Beerus."
"You're... wait, why do you need to do that?"
"The fate of the world is at stake." She tells the Supreme Kai.
"Hmm well as much as I'd like to help you. I'm afraid that would do you no good since Lord Beerus explicitly refuses to assist mortal beings with their problems." The Supreme Kai replied.
Hilda sighs. "Do you remember that discussion I had with you and all of the Kais the previous visit?"
"You're aware of it, yes."
"Then what's the problem?
The Supreme Kai sighs. "Okay then, please excuse me. Kai-kai!" And with that the Supreme Kai teleported away. Hilda and Kibito stood there and waited silently for a few seconds and when the Supreme Kai returned, he had both the God of Destruction Beerus with him as well as his angel attendant Whis.
"Oh Lady Hilda!" Whis said with a smile. "What a pleasure it is to see you again."
"Wha... who the hell is, oh it's you." Beerus said groggily. "I remember you."
"Hello, Whis." Hilda replies.
"What's going on?" Beerus asks. "Has that idiot Saiyan gotten us into yet another situation that could end our universe?"
"No, it's the Bongsmokers." Hilda says.
Beerus perked up. "Bongsmokers, those meme monstrosities? Wait can't you one-shot them all?"
"They're an ideology." Hilda explains.
"I've heard of them. They're lead by a monster named Pepe." Kibito says.
"Oh, I see. You're a Bongsmoker."
"What?! No I'm not."
"Please forgive him." Supreme Kai said to Hilda and Kibito. "Lord Beerus is not exactly in a very pleasant mood at the moment so he may say things like this."
"Ideologies affect everyone, consciously and unconsciously. And that's more deep-seated than mind control." Hilda explains.
Beerus simply let out a yawn while scratching his ass. "No nibba's stronger than m-" Immediately Beerus silenced himself. "Wait what did I just say?"
"It's the Bongsmoker influence." Hilda says.
Whis couldn't help but let out a burst of laughter. "Ohohohohoho! Oh Lord Beerus, you silly autistic little faggot!" Immediately his eyes widened and he silenced himself mid-laughter.
"Fuck you, bitch." Beerus said while walking away.
"My apologies, Lord Beerus. I don't know what came over me."
Beerus took in a deep breath and then looked at Hilda. "No stupid internet joke is going to take over the God of Destruction. Alright I'll help you and the mortals this one time."
Whis and Hilda seemed to be relieved.
"Thank you, Lord Beerus." Whis said. "That's more generous than any ni**er I've ever seen." Immediately he covered his mouth.
"Don't mention it." Beerus said, ignoring what his attendant blurted out. "Oh how I'll enjoy destroying these stupid memes."
"🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿!" Supreme Kai suddenly blurted out before then covering his mouth.
"Supreme Kai, behave yourself." Beerus warned.

Beerus sighed. "Oh fuck me, you're one lousy purple-skinned g**k you know that?" He then realized what he just said and let out a frustrated groan.
Hilda stares at Beerus. "Oh, shit."
"Oh fuck me, I've really misjudged this lot. My boding to destroy them is probably too late now."
"Too late for what?
Beerus just turned to Hilda. "You need anyone else or can we just go to this Pepe and erase his faggot-ass immedia-DAMN IT I HATE THIS MEME NONSE-POOPCLAP! GAAA-okay I'm done."
Whis blinked. "Lord Beerus?"
Hilda sighs, realizing that a thought is appearing in her mind. She shakes it off. "We need everyone." Hilda let the thought pass; it unsettled her, as it went against everything she worked for.
"You honestly think I'd be affected by this stupid little trance?" He replied. "Honestly there's no way on this known universe I'd let that happen to a Destroyer God."
Whis looked puzzled. "Wait, so you were just playing you little fa-" Beerus silenced him by slapping the bong out of him.
Supreme Kai looked even more puzzled. "I'm sorry what th-POOPCLAP!" Beerus just turned to face the Supreme Kai and with a sigh he slapped him with his tail which once again, knocked the influence out of him. "Don't you EVER say that again you little purple imp!" Beerus said.
"I'll be right back." She Instant Transmissions out of the Realm of the Kais, leaving Beerus in the dust. "Wh- what- wait!" He sighed. "Whis, let's follow her. Like the little bitch she- oh, it's cumming back- fuck-... why? Why now? Why do I- POOPCLAP! GAAAAH!"

So there's good news and bad news for you. The good news is that you didn't teleport yourself to another planet. The bad news is you teleported not to where Shaggy is but rather right to the town of Tremorton and ended up falling dick first onto monkey bars. It hurts so, SO much.
"FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" You scream out the longest F-bomb known to Ⓜ🅰n, only to be silenced by a ball hitting you straight in the face.
Hilda Instant Transmissioned to Tremorton as well. She appears and lands on your dick with her feet- "Dakteam, I apologize!" She says while you let out the most pained whimper ever.
"Is this payback?" You ask in a very squeaky voice.
"No. No, it isn't." Hilda says. "I just landed on your groin because of my Instant Transmission being pushed to the side. I tried to see where you were directly, but a 'BONG' obscured my mental vision."
You just stand up and dust yourself off. "I figured." You say. "In fact, I think the same thing happened to m-" Your sentence was cut off by a ball bouncing right into your nutsack prompting you to collapse to your knees in pain.
"I keep getting hit in the dick!" You begin squeakily. "Why? Why do I keep getting hit in the dick?!"
Hilda flies down to the ground.
You stand up again all the while grasping your pained nuts. "Okay, please let there be no mo-OOF!" You scream out right as a preschooler ran up and battering rammed your nutsack, causing you to fall back onto your ass.
"Sorry!" The child says. "Rabbit," he says.
Hilda looks at you with concern. "Are you alright?"
You groan as you hold onto your nuts. They're still throbbing, which kind of distracts you from being mad at the little shithead that hit you in the dick.
You slowly and shakily force yourself to your feet, trying your best to watch out for any potential flying obstacles that could hit you in the dick, kids that could hit you in the dick, birds that could fly into your dick, really just anything that could hit you in the dick. Thankfully after a few seconds, everything seemed to be just fine. Unfortunately, fate decided to be a bastard on that day for just when you let out a breath of relief, suddenly you felt something cold and metallic very viciously gripping your balls. The pain was immeasurable and unfortunately, it got worse for before you could even deal with that pain, you went from being on the ground to suddenly being flung into a swing-set which caused you to imagine your spine shattering from the impact as you finally fell to the ground in a heap.
You were in far more physical pain than ever before. So much so that tears started to form in your eyes. Your balls hurt, they really fucking hurt.
Hilda held her hands over you, and began to heal you with her mind.
"I've got you," she says.
You slowly but surely after that push yourself up to your feet. You could barely walk. You were in so much pain that all you wanted to do was lay down and not move at all, but with Hilda's help you forced yourself to stand.
"Oh god..." You say, your voice still squeaky.
"Wh-who are you?" The teacher is looking at you both, and is confused.
"I'm Hilda." Hilda says, introducing herself and reaching out to shake the teacher's hand.
The teacher doesn't take Hilda's hand, but instead looks over at you.
"And I'm Dakteam." You say as you give a pained smile.
You hold one finger out as you let out a series of breaths and tried to steady yourself. "Ugh... yeah that's my name. That's m-FUCK!" Suddenly you crumple to the floor again right as a little blonde preschooler began giggling and running away from you.
The teacher quickly walks over to you and picks up the little girl. "Be nice!"
"Shit that hurt."
Hilda looks around at the campus.
Finally, you have enough of getting hit in the dick so you reach into your pocket and eat a Senzu Bean before then standing up. "Okay." You ask. "Who hit me?"
A child reaches into your pocket and steals your bag of Senzu Beans. You immediately reach to try to get it back, but a little girl then takes your wallet.
"Oh you've gotta be kidding me." You say to yourself with a sigh as you begin to chase the kids around. "Come on give those back!"
Hilda is about to help Dakteam when the kids begin surrounding her, grabbing onto her clothes. "What? What are you doing?" She asks; she doesn't understand what they're saying.
"Hey get off of her!" You shout. "Don't you kids know any manners?!"
"Fuck you." One of them mouths as he continues to harass Hilda.
Hilda shoves some of them backwards, to walk through the crowd. They don't fall over, but they certainly seem to not anticipate this reaction.
Hilda feels one of them wrap around her leg. "What the fuck?"
You finally have decided that you've seen enough and go for the 'scare em' straight' approach and power up to Super Saiyan. "ENOUGH!"
"Thank you." Hilda says, clearly enjoying the crowd getting the fuck away from her.
You simply nod and then look towards the teacher. "Sorry about this ma'am." You say. "See we're kind of in the middle of trying to prevent an apocalypse of epic proportions and I accidentally teleported here."
"Apocalypse." The teacher says. "How interesting."
"That's... way calmer than I expected." You reply.
"How are you this calm about being told we're trying to prevent the end of the world?" You ask.
"Well between seeing your hair go blonde and having a robot enrolled in my school, I've kind of become numb to the insanity." The teacher replied.
"Fair eno-wait did you say robot?" You ask.
"An android?" Hilda asked. "Does Dr. Gero have autonomous android production on this planet?"
"Oh god I hope not." You say.
"No, I'm referring to her." The teacher says, motioning towards a white and blue robot standing a little ways away from them.
The teacher sighs. "It's- she's a... very well put together... vacuum cleaner."
"You're an adult with intelligence, right?" Hilda asks the teacher. "You can make basic logical connections?"
Your eyes widen. "I'm just gonna come out and say it but that's very racist."
"What?" Hilda asks.
"That remark the teacher said is racist." You reply.
"It's also a very ignorant one. She is a humanoid robot, with clearly enough defined humanoid shape to be not even mistaken as a vacuum cleaner." Hilda says, skeptical.
"I'd still be careful with your words." The teacher warns. "It's one thing to be a racist, it's another to be accused of doing so."
"You know it just makes you sound more racist when you phrase something like that." You reply.
"Actually, I think the teacher is just unaware enough of their surroundings and apathetic enough to their students that they consider the individual in question a vacuum cleaner because they genuinely do not care who she is; racism, but stemming more from unawareness of her actual personality and existence while also seeing her as unfeeling. They're calling her a household appliance because they literally think of her as one, and they do not have enough regard for their surroundings to notice that she is a fully humanoid robot capable of feeling emotions." Hilda says.
You take a glance at her. "Wow that's... quite profound."
Hilda turns to the teacher. "Has literally anyone in this city pointed out how ridiculous it is that you have not noticed she saves the world from threats every day, has a clear and real consciousness, and that she learns and adapts the same as any thinking creature? How do you even have a degree as a teacher if you do not have the basic skills of the perception of your surroundings?"
"Well... I just..."
"You just what? Misunderstood the world, chosen a less demanding occupation, or allowed yourself to become senescent?" Hilda says in an angry tone.
You just stare on at this with a face full of shock. "Damn, never expected things to get so... real in here."
You continue to stare for a few moments before then turning to the robot and realize you have kind of been unintentionally ignoring her... and then you realize who she is. "Wait a second, is that who I think it is?"
Hilda continues to glare at the teacher.
You then approach the robot to get a closer look and you both seem to realize at the same time who you've been looking at.
"Jenny?" You finally say.
"Dakteam?" Jenny asks.
You continue to stare at each other for a few moments before finally you engage in the most friendly, platonic, not at all romantic because you two didn't have a relationship kind of hug.
"Man I haven't seen you in ages!" You say.
"I know, I know. But it's great to see you! How have you been? What's new?"
While your hug is affectionate, you do back away from her. "Um... it's a long story."
Hilda walks over to Jennifer Wakeman.
"It's also a weird, WEIRD story." You say to Jenny.
Hilda reaches out to shake Jennifer Wakeman's hand; this genuine cordiality was foreign to Jenny, who took Hilda's hand with enthusiasm and novelty. "I'm Hilda."
"Jenny." She says with a smile. "My mom also called me XJ-9 if you'd like to be really formal."
"Man the teacher really should take some notes on this." You comment.
"May I just call you Jennifer?" Hilda asks, seriously not wanting to call Jennifer Wakeman something dehumanizing such as XJ-9.
"Um, sure." Jennifer says. "That's kind of what I prefer the most anyway."
"So I know that this isn't the most important question that should be on the cards but I have to ask, what are you doing in a preschool?" You ask Jenny.
"Oh..." Jennifer says. "Well, it's actually a long story so I'll just give you the main details. Basically due to a major misunderstanding, the principal of my high school thought that when I said I was built five years ago that it meant I was actually five years old and so they reassigned me to preschool."
"That's really dumb logic." Hilda says. "Especially since there have been individuals who have skipped grades because of their academic achievements. So if you are as mentally skilled and capable as a 15-18 year old adolescent human, possibly even more because of enhancements built into your brain, then you probably qualify for even a college. You literally technically do not have to attend school if you can prove your proficiency at a high grade level. Legally. Unless, Tremorton is built upon backwards rules."
"Oh you don't know the half of it." You say. "I went here for my final two years of high school and holy shit did I not get an education here. It was a waste of time, money and quite frankly I think I lost more brain cells here than anything."
"Uh, excuse me, but... what is going on?" The teacher asks.
You quickly turn to face the teacher. "Nothing, primarily just talking about how Tremorton is a backwards-ass town."
The teacher held her hands to her mouth. "Excuse me?"
"Yeah so setting that aside. How has life been for you so far Jenny aside from this?" You ask.
"Oh I'm fine, it's not so bad. The other day a giant squid attacked a ship, but that's pretty rare." She says.
Hilda is a bit surprised. "Did... did you just say 'Excuse me?' to Dakteam, a 40-year-old human, as if they were your student?"
"You know surprisingly fighting a giant squid was not what I expected considering the crazy crap that happens in this town." You say to Jenny. "I mean it's no Mad Hammer Brothers."
"It also isn't fighting oversized animal-sponge hybrids that are more than happy to consume people." Jenny casually comments.
"Or that." You reply. "It certainly isn't that."
"So what brings you here?" Jenny asks.
"Well you see actually me coming here was a mistake." You explain. "I was trying actually to transport myself to another friend of mine but for whatever reason my teleportation ability got all screwy and I landed dick-first on the monkey bars here."
"Language!" The teacher calls out.
You simply ignore the teacher. "Then there was the fact I was hit in the face by a ball, hit in the dick by Hilda accidentally landing on me, hit in the dick then by another ball, I was then hit in the dick by a kid and wound up..."
"Oh my God." Jenny said with a voice that was apologetic and full of embarrassment, cutting you off. "So you were the one that... oh my goodness I'm so sorry." You simply shrug.
"Eh don't worry about it." He replies. "It's not your fault."
"Is no one going to acknowledge that the teacher just said 'Language!' to a 40-year-old human?" Hilda asks.
"So what happened to your friend?" Jenny asks.
"That's the thing I'm trying to figure out." You say. "And I would teleport again but I have a feeling that I'd probably make yet another screw-up so I'm gonna probably take things a little easier."
"But since I met up with you again I'm curious, would you be willing to help us?" You ask.
"Help with what?!" The teacher asked. "Oh she's absolutely not going anywhere, class is still in session!"
"What are you talking about?" Jenny asks, ignoring the teacher.
"To be totally honest, if I told you what's going on right now you'd still be asking me that very question." You reply.
"Well whatever it is I do know it has to do with an apocalypse so I'm in!" Jenny said.
"No you're not!" The teacher said. "You still have class! You need t-"
"With all due respect, I think the fate of the fucking universe is more important than preschool!" You shout as you finally turn to face the teacher. The teacher stops talking and stares at you.
You then turn back to Jenny. "Just one question before we get out of here. Do Brad and Tuck still live around here?"
"Yeah, they live in a nice house right on the edge of town."
"Alone?"
"Well, Tuck is married but I don't know about Brad."
Hilda sighs. "No, she's mentally more proficient than you have the skills to teach her!" Hilda shouts to the teacher.
"Hild, shh!" You say.
'Dakteam, you aren't under the influence of the Bongsmokers, are you?' Hilda telepathically asks you.
"No. It's just that right now, arguing with a teacher when an apocalypse is about to happen is not exactly an amazing id-"
"🅱🅾🆖!" The teacher shouted.
You look over Hilda's shoulder at the teacher whose eyes began to spin round and round at hyperspeed.
"Oh fuck." You comment.
"🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖🅱🅾🆖🅱🅾🆖🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿🅿🅾🅾🅿🅿🅾🅾🅿🅿🅾🅾🅿🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿🅿EN1️⃣5️⃣... 👀👀👀👀 🅱🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🆖 ➕ ®🅾🅾🅾🅿🅿🅿®🅾🅾🅿🅿🅾🅾🅾🅿®🅾🅾🅿🅿 🅿🆑🅰🅿🅱🅾🆖🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🅱🅾🆖🅱🅾🆖🍆🍆🍆🍆🅱🅾🆖🍆🍆🅿🍆🍆🅿🆑🍆🅿👀👀👀👀😂😂‼💯" The teacher says.
"🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿! 🅿🅾🅾🅿Y-🅿🅾🅾🅿🅱🅾🆖🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖!" The teacher said. You then turn towards Jenny.
"We need to get the hell out of here!" You shout.
Jenny nods in agreement and the both of you start running away.
"F®🅾G5️⃣!" The teacher shouts. "🅱🅾🆖Y 🅿🅾🅾🅿 🅿3️⃣N1️⃣5️⃣3️⃣5️⃣ D1️⃣©KN1️⃣GG🅰!"
You, Jenny and Hilda run for a little bit before then taking off into the sky.
"Okay can we just agree to NOT mention that name ever?" You say as you look at Hilda.
"What name?" Jenny asks.
"Trust me unless you want more of what happened with that teacher back there? Mentioning it is a very, VERY bad idea." You reply.
'I sent it telepathically.' Hilda telepathically says to you, confounded. You can sense apologeticness in her telepathic message.
"We're gonna need a new phrase to refer to those dicks it seems." You say.
'They'll just take to it.' Hilda says to you telepathically.
"Good point." You say. "So basically we can't say literally anything like it's Voldemort."
Hilda panics. 'It's?!'
"I'm talking about the name." You reply.
"Anyways, while we're here we should probably gather up more allies so Jenny before we get to Brad and Tuck, can we stop by your mom's place? Surely Nora would be able to do something for us." Jenny's expression became one of surprise before then shifting to sadness.
"What's wrong?" You ask once you notice the tears starting to well up in her eyes.
"Oh sorry it's just... mom passed away last year." Your eyes widen.
"Oh..." You say, the feeling in the air now being really uncomfortable, awkward and depressing.
Hilda flew over to Jennifer Wakeman. "A hug?"
Jennifer nods into her hug.
You look away while the two of them talk, still feeling incredibly awkward and honestly, kind of like a dick. You look out into the city, there was just something about returning to this quaint little town that gave the feeling of both familiarity and strangeness.
"I-I haven't talked about it with anyone since i-it happened." Jenny sniffled. "I mean it happened so fast and just... nothing really prepares you for that y'know? To lose someone like that."
"I know the feeling." You say, having lost your own mother at a young age. "I lost my mom when I was six."
Hilda glances at you, understanding.
"Brad was the one who called me up when it happened." Jenny said. "You know there are some days where I wake up and just wait for her shout of my model number like usual or for the communication monitor to pop out my chest and then it doesn't happen and I just..." You watch as Jenny began to cry, the sight causing you to wince and lightly grasp at your heart. You of course say nothing because really, there was nothing you could say but also because as someone who was such good friends with both Jenny and her mom from way back when? This kind of thing really just hurt to both watch and think about.
Hilda stays silent as well.
"I-I'm sorry." Jenny says, wiping her eyes. "I... Just need a second."
Jenny's hug despite being from a mechanical being was probably one of the warmest, most human hugs one could ever expect. This wasn't a hug just from some mindless machine emulating a human emotion. From Hilda's perspective, she was being hugged by a lonely teenage girl who sorely missed their mother; the idea of Jennifer Wakeman being anything but alive was absent from Hilda's mind entirely.
The scene would continue like this for a few more seconds before finally she slowly pulled away.
"Are you... gonna be alright?" You ask. Jenny simply turns back to you and nods while having one arm wrapped around Hilda's shoulder.
"Y-Yeah." She said with a sniffle. "I'll be fine."
Hilda looks at you with understanding and empathy, and no judgement.
Not knowing how to necessarily move the conversation after... well that, you decide to ask a question that skirts along the line but it hopefully won't be too much trouble.
"Well... how about your sisters?" You ask. "Are they still living at the house?"
"They're actually with Sheldon now." She replied, prompting you to raise an eyebrow.
"The stalker?" You bluntly ask.
"I wouldn't sweat that part." Jenny began. "He has become much better in recent years, I've even come to him every so often for an upgrade or two."
"Upgrades?" You ask.
"You don't want to know." She says, shrugging.
Hilda raises an eyebrow.
"I-I asked for the upgrades!" Jenny adds quickly. "Along with a bunch of other stuff like improved defense systems, propulsion systems, I don't use discs to store languages anymore, I'm a far more capable crime-fighter."
You give a nod. "Good to know."
"Hey look!" She says. "We're coming up on Sheldon's house now."
Hilda and Jenny touch down but just when you were about to, you heard something FAR off in the distance.

You immediately turn towards Hilda and Jenny. "Grab the people you need to grab!" You say. "I'm gonna head out."
You immediately power up to Super Saiyan and charge in the direction of the noise. It sounded... what the hell did it even sound like?
You fly over fallen trees and bushes as your flight path quickly brings you close to the entrance of the preschool you were just at.
Hilda grunts. 'Uh, why can't I hold them off? Who are Brad and Tuck? Where are they located? Do I have to psychically find them? Why can't you find them? Are you pulling a 'Male hero saves the day'?'
You stop in place a few seconds afterward and then immediately as if you were a car, reversed your direction back towards where Hilda is.
"To answer your questions. Brad's a dude with bright red hair and a sweater-vest, Tuck WAS a little kid with black hair but now he's a grown adult, they live now in a house at the edge of town, they don't give off energy so I can't find them and finally... I had a brain-fart and forgot that you had no connection to these people. I'm sorry, that was purely my fault and incredibly stupid."
"Well, I will hold them off. Be there for your friend." Hilda flies off.
"I will." You say with a nod before then turning to face Jenny. "Listen I'm very sorry about earlier."
"Hey it's okay." Jenny replied. "Accidents happen."
"I'd call this more than just a small accident." You say. "Considering... well you know." Jenny sets a hand on your shoulder.
"Don't worry, I know you still mean well." Jenny replied. "Now how about we go gather Sheldon and the others?"
"Got it." You say with a nod.
You and Jenny then approach the door to Sheldon's house. You hear an old voice shout from behind it. "Don't come in here, you'll get electrocuted!"
"It's just me Sheldon!" Jenny calls out.
Sheldon opens the door. He appears to be the same as you remembered him except obviously way older. Not too much older you'd say. If you had to guess he was probably at the very least in his thirties. He also had a light hint of what appeared to be a mustache developing on his upper lip and a full head of hair that extended down to his upper back.
"Oh Jenny!" He calls out, his face now displaying that familiar goofy grin you remembered so much. "So good to see you."
"Sheldon! Good to see you, too. How's class treating you?"
"It's alright." He says. "I mean it has given me a little hell but then again, what class doesn't?"
At that point you watched as Sheldon's gaze flashed to you. "So... who's your friend?" Sheldon asked.
"Oh Sheldon, this is Dakteam!" Jenny said, the mention of your name causing Sheldon's eyes to widen.
"... Dakteam? You're Dakteam?"
You nod. "It certainly has been awhile hasn't it man?"
"Yeah it has!" He gives a chuckle, shaking his head. "Man, it's good to see you man!"
"You as well." You say right as you gave him a fist bump.
Sheldon glances to Jenny.
Hilda Instant Transmissions back to you. "Grab your friends! All of them! We're going to Other World!"
You immediately turn to Sheldon. "Sorry man we can't catch up, it's kind of an emergency." Sheldon nods.
"Heh, I've been through my fair share of world-ending threats living in this town. I understand." Sheldon said.
"Good to see you understand man." You reply. "Now everyone, grab hands." You say pulling the group towards you.
"Wait what about Brad and Tuck?" Jenny asks. "Or my sisters?"
"We'll get them!"
You all Instant Transmission to Brad and Tuck's house.
"Oh shit!" You hear a certain scratchy male voice exclaim. You quickly turn to see the face of Bradley Carbunkle who was currently smoking from a bong. The good kind of bong mercifully and not... that thing.
"Hey man." You say.
"Wait a second." Brad replied right as he set the weed down. "That you Dakteam?" You nod, prompting him to turn his head. "Hey Tuck! Come down stairs and see this."
"What the hell happened to your eye?" Tuck asks. "And why are you all grey?"
"Tuck you're stoned." You stare at the scene in front of you with a slight hint of shock.
"Oh yeah." You say internally to yourself. "It has been awhile."
"Nice to see you Tuck." You say to him.
"Holy crap, Dakteam is that you?" Tuck asks.
"Yep, it's me. It has certainly been awhile little man." You reply.
"Holy shit. You did good for one your age." Tuck says.
"Uh, I'm not that old." You reply a bit confused. "40 is not exactly an old age."
"Still, you look good." Tuck replied which prompts a smile from you and then in a few seconds, your expression becomes more serious.
"Okay listen up you two, you have to come with us." You say.
"What's going on?"
"I... can't say anything about it."
"Wait what? Why?"
"Muffin button." You say sheepishly.
"What?" Brad asks.
"It's code for 'Please don't ask me questions, just go please!'." You reply.
Brad just stands staring at you for a few more moments.
"Just... Go!" You say.
The two goons grab their weed and approach your group, immediately you wrap an arm around Brad while Jenny wraps an arm around Tuck.
You then turn to Hilda and simply nod.
Hilda Instant Transmissions to Other World.
"What the?" King Kai asks as he turns to face you all. "Wait a second, what are you all doing here?"
"No time to explain King Kai, I just need you to house these people for the time being okay?" You ask.
"Uhh... sure." King Kai replies completely stunned.
"Thanks man, Hilda and I will be back soon with even more people so be ready." King Kai's eyes widen.
"Wait what?!"
"See ya!" You say right as you and Hilda disappear.
"Man, wonder what this is all about?" King Kai asks in confusion.
You and Hilda teleport to your next location.
Hilda lands in the middle of a stadium.
"... I don't sense Shaggy here." Hilda says.
"People of Honnouji Academy!" A big booming female voice called out. "I welcome you all to this grand festival where we celebrate our most wonderful culture and am glad to bless you with my appearance."
Several thousand people in the stadium cheer in excitement.
Hilda looked down to see someone standing at the top of a throne. "Shaggy?" Is he down for the count in this tournament?
"EVERYONE STAND AT ATTENTION!" A very deep-voiced male called out. The crowd goes silent.
The crowd goes even more quiet, the female voice immediately boomed out again.
Hilda floats down into the crowd of the stadium, with some people noticing her descent. "N-nani?" Someone says.
"I also want to congratulate you all for your efforts for it is thanks to the success of the Tri-City School raid that we've conquered 80% of Japan!" The deep voice says. "This is a good day for all Honnouji! Long live Honnouji!"
Hilda raises an eyebrow. "Oh so Japan's being taken over by fascists?"
"And it is with your undying loyalty and amazing effort that soon, we will spread all throughout the globe and make Honnouji the true rulers over all pigs in human clothing!" The voice shouts. "Long live Honnouji!"
"Maybe I should break this up while I'm here." Hilda says, flying up and around the stadium, and then behind Ragyo.
"Pigs huh? Funny because the only pig I see here is you!" Another voice called out. Immediately Ragyo raised an eyebrow.
"Oh?" She began, her expression being a twisted grin. "And who dares to try and end this momentous occasion?"
The crowd goes quiet.
Suddenly a section of seats raised up from the ground, and launching from them there was both a woman with a white and blue uniform that looked almost military and long black hair as well as big bushy eyebrows and another woman who was shorter that had a black and red sailor uniform on as well as black hair with a single red bang.
Hilda watches silently.
"Now this is a surprise." Ragyo said with a light chuckle as she stared at the long-haired woman. "Tell me, why do you choose to engage in a mutiny Satsuki?"
"Because while Honnouji has progressed greatly in many ways, it still has a long way to go before it can truly be called a world power." Satsuki began. "And that power must not be led through dictatorship, especially not one that's led by you!"
Hilda waits, staring at the conversation happening between two fascist assholes.
Ragyo stared at her daughter for a few more seconds before then laughing. "Is that so?"
"You're goddamn right it is." The other woman began. "In fact by the time we're through with you, the only dominion you're going to have is with the worms eating your corpse!"
"Ryuko please." Satsuki said with a roll of her eyes. "There's no need to be vulgar."
"OhohohohoHOHOHOHOHO!" Ragyo laughed. "This is a most interesting occasion, my own daughter and the infamous Ryuko Matoi dare to challenge me, Ragyo Kiryuin, in an attempt to put an end to my rule! Oh how I'd like to see you two try that." In response Ryuko smirked.
"You ready Satsuki?" She said.
"Whenever you are, Matoi." Satsuki replied.
Right then and there, Ryuko reached for some sort of lever on her single red glove and pulled it to the side while Satsuki undid a couple of blue clasps on her outfit and what follows is... well what certainly could be called a transformation. It was a dazzling display of colors, blood and strangely... nudity. It took only a few seconds before finally, they finished.
"LIFE FIBER SYNCHRONIZE! KAMUI: SENKETSU!" Ryuko shouted.
"LIFE FIBER OVERRIDE! KAMUI: JUNKETSU!" Satsuki shouted.
"I am more than strong enough to combat the both of you!" Ragyo declared. "If you think otherwise, then... come on. Try me."
"So sentient clothing that grants people power by stripping them down naked, with a shady 'explanation' for how they work but really an excuse for the 'male gaze'." Hilda says, sighing. "Yare yare daze."
"Let's do this bitch!" Ryuko shouted right as she held her sword high into the air and it was here where finally, right above her you enter the scene. Unfortunately for you, you immediately fell... dick-first into Ryuko's bright metallic red blade which stabbed through your nuts like a hot knife through butter.
"Dakteam?!" Hilda flies to assist you. She heals you and gives you a Senzu Bean.
"Are you alright?" Hilda asks.
"Yeah... I guess..." You say taking the bean and beginning to heal.
"Wait a second who the hell are you guys?!" Ryuko asks.
"My name is Hilda." Hilda says. Ragyo is bewildered, but quickly regains her composure.
"Hilda?" She asks.
"I'm Dakteam." You say. "Now listen everyone, there isn't much time because before you know it the Bongsmokers will..." You then realize what you just said. "Oh fuck me and stupid goddamn mouth."
"... 🅱🅱🅾🆖❓" Ragyo suddenly shouts. She points towards the moon.
"Ⓜ🅾🅾N🅿🅾🅾🅿 ‼ 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿💥🅿🅾🅾🅿‼ 🆑🅾🅾Ⓜ🅿🅾🅾🅿 🅿🅾🆗 💯💯🍆🍆🍆🍆😆💋💋💋! 🆑🅰🅿🅿YW🅰🅿🅿1️⃣3️⃣5️⃣‼‼ 💯 🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖‼‼‼‼‼‼ 🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🅾🅿🆑🅾🅾🅿 🅿🅾🆖 🅿🅾🆖 🅱 🅿🆑 🅿 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆 💋 🅿🅾🅾🅾🅾🆖 🅿🅾🆖 🅿🅾🅾🅿 🆑🅾🆗 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅾🆗 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅾🅾🆖 🅿🅾🅾🆑🅾🅾🆖 🅱🅾🆖 🅱🅾🆖!" Ragyo screams at an increasing volume.
Satsuki just stares at her mother having what could only be described as a complete and utter fit.
"🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿! 🅿🅾🅾🅿🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖🆑🅾🅰©🅰! 🅿🅾🅾🅿! 🆑🅾🅿🅿1️⃣🆖! 🅿🅾🅾🅿! N1️⃣G🅾🅾🅿! 🅿🅾🅾G🅰! 🅿🅾🅾G🅰! D🅾1️⃣K! ©🅰©🅰©®🅰©K! Ⓜ🅾🅾🆖🅾🆖! 5️⃣U🆖🅾🅾🅿🅾🆖 💥💥💥💥 🅱🅱🅾🆖 🅿🅾🅾🅾🅿🆑🅾🆖🅾🆖 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅾🆖 🆑🅾🆖 🆑🅾🆖 🆑🅾🆖 🆑1️⃣🆖 ©1️⃣🅾®🅾✖ 🅱1️⃣3️⃣🅰🆑3️⃣Y 🅿1️⃣3️⃣🅰K1️⃣3️⃣Y‼‼‼ 🅱🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🆖 🅿🅾🅾🆖 🅱🅾🆖🆑🅰🅿 🅱🅾🆖🆑🅾🆖 🅿🅾Ⓜ🆑🅾🅾🆖 🅱🅾🅿🅾🆖‼‼‼‼👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 😂😂 👏👏👏👏👏👏💢💢💢💢💢🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃💋💋💋💋💋💋 💔💔 ❤➖ 💔❤ 💔❤😉💲💲💲🎶🎶👨 🎶👨 👨 ➗🚁💯🎶💯 ✔😁💯🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🆑🅾🆖▫▫▫ 🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🆖!" Ragyo 5️⃣H🅾UT3️⃣D.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER?!" Ryuko asks.
"Damn it, damn it, damn it!" You shout before then turning to Ryuko and Satsuki. "Okay you two, grab onto us and we'll get you, your families and whoever else the hell out of here."
"®🅰🅿🅰🅿🅰! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿! 🆑🅰🅿🅿🅾🅾🅿! 🅿🅾🅾🅿🅾🅾! 🅿3️⃣3️⃣🅿3️⃣3️⃣5️⃣! 🅿🅾🅾🅿3️⃣3️⃣! 🅿3️⃣3️⃣🅿🅾🅾🅿! D1️⃣©K! ©UNT! 🅿🅾🅾🅿! D1️⃣©K! D🅾🆖! D🅾🆖! D🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖 D🅾🆖! 🆑🅰🅿F🅰🅿! F🅰🅿🆑🅰🅿! 🅿🅾🅾🆖! 🅿🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖🅾! 5️⃣🅾U🅿! F🅾©K! 🆑🅾🅾🆑🅾🅾🆖 5️⃣🅾🅾🆖 🅿🅾🅾🆖🅾🅾🆖 5️⃣🅿🅾🅾🆖" Ragyo screamed.
You turn to Hilda with your face showing a real degree of panic. "Hilda get us out of here right now, I'm serious, Instant Transmission!"
Hilda nods and quickly grabs you, and Instant Transmissions you out of there!
You arrive at a peaceful Mystery Van...
"Like zoinks man!" Shaggy said right as he noticed you and your crew appearing.
You sigh with relief... then you think about all the people who are suffering. "Shaggy, we all fucked up."
Shaggy raised an eyebrow. "Like no offense but how so man?"
"We kind of have a situation of the... apocalyptic variety and we just doomed a bunch of people to infection." You say.
"Really? Zoinks! So what are you suggestin'?"
"I... I honestly don't know."
"I'm sorry, can someone explain what the hell that was back there?!" Ryuko shouted.
"What's going on back there Shag?" Fred asked as he turned to face the back of the van only to then do a double-take at who he saw. "Dakteam? Wait what are you doing back there?"
"You know for the first time in my life, we have a situation I literally cannot explain." You say.
"Neither can I." Hilda says. "But take a look at this!"
She points to a large red crystal on the ground.
"Like what is that?" Shaggy asks.
"It's an Outlier." Hilda says. You then take a look at the gem and your eyes widened.
"Uh Fred? Why do you have the Reality Stone in your possession?" You ask.
"Oh that? Shag kept that after his last fight with Thanos." Fred replied casually.
"What? That's not safe!"
"Better that this ended up in the hands of someone who could use it wisely than someone who would be a bumbling idiot with it."
"I mean I agree but... seriously holy shit man." You reply.
"Reality Stone? Thanos? What the fuck is going on?" Ryuko asked.
"I'm guessing the same thing that's going on with this reality?" Shaggy says and picks up the stone. A purple glow materializes in his hand.
"Wait, you have the Power Stone too?!"
"Like yeah man." Shaggy replied. "In fact, I actually have all the Infinity Stones."
"Hold on." Hilda Instant Transmissions away... she returns with the Chaos Emeralds, and the Dragon Balls.
"Like wow Hilda! Nice job!" Shaggy said.
Hilda Instant Transmissions away... and returns with some Kyber Crystals.
You were just about to open your mouth to say something when Fred then spoke up.
"Hold up gang, I'm gonna stop for a moment. There's someone who looks as though they can use a ride." Fred said.
"Who?" You ask.
Before you knew it, the van came to a complete stop and Fred had rolled down the window to look at the hitchhiker. "Hey there buddy, you look like you could use a ride."
"I sure could, actually I'm almost to the city." The young man says.
"Well if you'd like I can take you along the rest of the way if that's alright." Fred replies.
"That would be great. Thanks."
When the backdoor to the van opens, you are shocked to see not just any hitchhiker but a man that was completely bald in what looked to be some sort of superhero outfit which was yellow with red gloves, boots and a white cape which you realized looked awfully familiar. A few seconds later, when the realization finally hit you on who it was, Hilda beat you to the punch.
"Teacher!" Hilda says, smiling.
"Hey Hilda." Saitama says casually. "Wasn't expecting to see you here."
This removes some of the tension from the van ride.
"You know what man?" You begin as you look at Saitama. "This may sound weird but you coming in here makes me feel so much safer."
Saitama simply nods and has a very light smile. "I'm glad I do but the important question is, why do you feel unsafe in the first place?"
You tense up again. "I... I just... I can't... I literally can't explain this."
You then come up with an idea. "You know what let me try something." You then take out a piece of paper and write down what's going on before then handing it to Saitama who looks down at it with a face that you expected would change expression... but it just looked bored.
"How juvenile." He commented.
You were taken aback. "Wait, you're not worried?"
Saitama shakes his head. "Why would I be afraid of a situation like this?" He asked. "The thing about ideologies is that being afraid of them is what gives them power. I'm not afraid of being some Alt-Right Nazi sympathiser because not only would that nullify why I became a hero in the first place..." He makes a serious expression. "But because it's stupid."
You blink twice. "Stupid?"
Saitama nods. "I mean yeah. Look think about why people would follow some of the worst of the worst in the first place. Take for example that whole Vic situation. The whole reason the fanbase was militarized like it was was due to that one lawyer-dude taking advantage of their immediate emotions during the situation. He took advantage of the fear and sadness and filled them with fear over a supposed slippery slope about other actors getting falsely accused and that made them easier to convert whereas the people who were able to think through this and see that for what it was were not even remotely affected."
"So you're saying it's the emotions that cause the problem, and not the ideology itself?"
Saitama nods.
The Mystery Machine hit a sharp rock in the road; a 'pop' was heard. "Uh oh, looks like we've popped a wheel!" Fred pulls over.
The front seat driver's side door opens up. Fred steps out. "Huh. Do we have a spare?"
"I mean the ideology itself can still be bad and I mean VERY bad. I mean there's a reason why fascism is considered almost universally by most sensible people to be terrible. That being said you're getting the gist of how the people you least expect, the very normal average joes who aren't already corrupted. It's because it is so easy for someone to be led astray when they're in the midst of their most extreme emotional reaction and it's because at that point in time, you're not reasoning anything, you're just focusing on your feelings and letting them drive you."
... "Well, I think that we already used the spare?"
"Spares are supposed to be temporary, though?"
Shaggy and Scoob look at each other. "Like, we thought it would be more efficient to hang up some high-quality tires in case of an accident like this."
"... Well, so we might either have to call a tow truck, or camp out here."
Hilda stood up. "I'll fix this problem."
She jumps out of the back of the van and walks over to one of the tires, and concentrates on it. The tire begins to glow, and soon, right next to it materializes an exact copy.
"Wow, Hilda! Well, I guess we don't need to get a tow truck!"
Scoob checks his phone for directions. "Um, there's a camp ground right after this next left."
"Nice lookin' Scoob!" Fred said right as he took that next left.
You take a glance at Scooby. "You have a phone?"
"Actually I have a better question." Saitama said. "So Scooby, what is this camp called exactly?"
"Camp Crystal Lake." Scooby says.
"Sounds interesting..." You comment. "and very familiar."
"Interesting?" Scooby commented. "I just find the name silly."
"Silly name aside, I think I've heard of this place." Saitama said. "Wasn't this the one with so many ghost stories about it?" Immediately your eyes widen.
Hilda grunts. "It's the fucking camp where a zombie murderer wanders around killing people who trespass in it."
Scooby's eyes widen.
"Exactly." Hilda says.
"Oh." Saitama says. A large RV passes by.
"Hey Scoob! You're a lifesaver." Fred said. "Because thing is? That's where our next mystery is."
"Oh no..." You say as various memories enter your head.
Hilda sighs. "... Yare yare daze."
"Don't stress." Saitama says. "We're all overpowered. We can handle this right Dak? Dak?" You simply stare blankly into space as flashes of traumatizing memories enter your head.
"Alright gang!" Fred said. "We're here!"
The group gets out of the car.
"So, this is it huh?" You ask. "The camp."
"Yeah." Hilda says.
"Camp Crystal Lake? The hell is that?" Ryuko asked.
"Camp Crystal Lake." Velma began as she looked through her phone. "Established in 1935 by the Christy family, this once normal summer camp operated peacefully until the summer of 1957 which was the year when a young child by the name of Jason Voorhees drowned to death. This death would send the camp's cook, his mother Pamela Voorhees, on a path of vengeance as she killed all who entered for the sake of keeping it closed. Eventually, her antics would end in 1980 when she herself was killed. Rumor has it that following her demise, her son Jason found the body and has been haunting these grounds ever since."
"Did you seriously have to read that out loud?" You ask, your voice slightly shaky.
"Oh yeah. I remember this place. I wonder what happened to the small tent I once set up here. It was fairly secluded and since it was closed I could rest here. When I woke up, my tent was torn, and I was naked. Well, my clothes were ripped. I think I might've been attacked in my sleep by something that eventually gave up."
You just remain silent and shake in place.
"Anyway, I was pissed, so I tried to look for who did it, and all I heard were weird noises." Saitama said.
You feel cold sweats running down your face.
"I don't see why we should be so scared of some stupid ghost story." Ryuko commented. "We should be able to beat some sense into whatever the hell even attacks us anyway."
"Y-y-yeah." You say, your voice showing definite tinges of fear but not in the sense of childish fear, as in this is some truly heavy deep-seated trauma. "W-w-we can."
Hilda walks ahead of everyone. "Dakteam, maybe walk next to me?"
You stay frozen in place for a few moments, still shaking as you take in those familiar noises. Those ambient eerie bird calls, the lake itself and the light cracking noises of branches in the distance, it all took you back to a time you absolutely wished you could forget.
Hilda walks over to you. "Dakteam, you will be alright."
You look over at her. "Y-you sure? You sure I'll be fine a-a-a-at Camp Blood?" You asked, stuttering your words a little.
"Dakteam..." Hilda begins, "Essensu Of Peejama!"
You fall to the ground.
You stare up at Hilda with her stand as you start heavily breathing. It took you a few seconds longer than usual but eventually you calmed yourself down enough to stand up. "O-Okay." You say, still clearly fearful. "That makes me feel a l-l-little better."
Hilda stands, with you next to her.
"Alright gang." Fred said as he clasped his hands together. "You know the drill by now, we're all gonna split up."
"No." Saitama says to him.
"... Then we'll... pair off?"
Saitama shakes his head. "Use your brain dude. Even with people like Hilda around, this is not exactly a place you want to be caught alone in."
"Then I can maybe pair off with Hilda if you want."
"I can't."
Hilda motions to the shaking, sweating, almost fainting Dakteam.
"Okay? So maybe we ca-"
"Fred." Saitama interjected right as he set a hand on his shoulder. "Just don't."
Fred shrugs. "Guess this mystery is going to be solved a little differently than usual. Well, gang, you will have to work extra hard to check every inch of this camp."
"How hard is it to move as a group?" Saitama thought to himself as he stared at Fred.
You take in a deep breath. "Oh Jesus Christ." You whisper to yourself. "Oh fucking Jesus."
Your voice growing louder. "Oh my fucking God."
"Dakteam, breathe slowly." Hilda says to him.
"What the fuck is wrong with you people?"
You breathe in, hold for a second, then breath out. In. Hold for a second. Out. In. Hold for a second. Out. Those seconds then became shorter, and shorter... and shorter... and sho-you know what, you decided fuck the breathing, you were in panic mode.
"You people may be able to casually just decide 'hey let's all stay in the middle of some murder site! It'd be cool!' but to that I say no. Fuck that shit. Fuck. That. Shit! I... I can't fucking do that. I can't fucking do this!"
Hilda holds a flashlight.
"Fuck all of this. I'm out." You say as you turn to leave before you then trip and start hyperventilating even more.
"Aw it can't be that bad." Fred commented before then grabbing a box of... something. "In fact maybe this will help. Will you go with us for a Scooby Snack?"
Hilda growls. "Are you fucking with him?"
Saitama just facepalms. "Trauma doesn't work that way dude."
"Well it works for Shaggy and Scooby." Fred replied sheepishly.
Hilda turns to you. "The only way for you to calm down, Dakteam, is to slow your breathing. I'll guide you."
You look up at Hilda slowly. "Can I just... C-Can I lean on you while we go through the camp please?"
Hilda nods. "Listen to my instructions."
You nod and breathe in. "Out." She whispers. "In."
It takes a little bit and a couple failed attempts but eventually, your breathing slows and becomes much calmer.
A couple of seconds pass and soon, you start to slowly bring yourself to your feet. It's a little difficult at first and you're kind of shaky the whole way through but at the very least, you're doing it.
You lean on Hilda.
"Thank you." You let out in a very shaky whisper.
Hilda waits for you to begin walking.
It takes a little bit but eventually you manage to at least bring one foot forward.
Fred was looking back at the scene behind him with quite a bit of interest. Surprisingly in all his years of sleuthing and mystery-solving, he never thought of just doing something like this. "Huh." Fred said as he looked towards Saitama. "How did she do that?"
Saitama turned his head to the side. "Do what?"
"Calm him down? Without a Scooby Snack?"
Saitama sighs. "You're an idiot."
Fred just looks at Saitama puzzled. "Um, I'm sorry?"
Saitama pinches the bridge of his nose and lets out a sigh before then setting a hand on Fred's back. "Okay dude, looks like I'm gonna have to explain the basics of how to deal with trauma WITHOUT dogfood to you."
Saitama then turns back towards Hilda. "We're all gonna be heading in now alright?"
Hilda nods.
You begin to feel a little more at ease as the group slowly begins to head towards the camp.
You lean against Hilda, walking one foot at a time. As you focus on Hilda's breathing instructions, you almost forget that you are walking into a- "Dakteam, focus."
Your breathing at this point has greatly improved. "Okay, I-I think I got it now." You say to Hilda.
As you walk, you lean against Hilda.
Ki... ki... ki... ma... ma... ma...
You begin to squeeze Hilda.
Ki... ma...
You feel the fear rising within you right then and there but at the very least with you by Hilda's side, helping you, you're able to calm down enough to make your way with her into the camp.

"But I don't get it." Fred said. "A motivator like Scooby Snacks I always thought helped people to face fears."
"You don't get it." Saitama replied, irritated. "Are you seriously arguing that using fucking Pavlovian conditioning on humans is more effective than actual emotional connection?!"
"Not at all!" Fred replied. "It's just that Scoob and Shag always loved the stuff. So much so to the point where it just seemed right to use them as a motivator. I mean there was never even an occasion where they refused to do something afterwards!"
"Yeah, but if you had actually talked with them, understood them, then maybe you wouldn't have had to use a Scooby Snack to persuade them!" Saitama replies, his irritation growing.
"Hey look over there Saitama!" Fred said right as he pointed at a cabin. "We might find some clues there."
Saitama facepalmed. "This isn't some ghost-illusion-trick or whatever! This is an ACTUAL FUCKING HAUNTED CAMP!"
"That's the spirit Saitama!" Fred replied as he made his way towards the cabin. "I'm glad you have a desire to find real monsters like I do."
Saitama only rolled his eyes and followed after him.
"Hey look over here!" Fred said as he dropped down to one knee by a set of stairs. "It looks like some mold has developed here. Like the camp had been abandoned for years!"
"Nani?" Saitama asked.
"And look over here! It looks like the stairs haven't been replaced once!" Fred said excitedly.
"Dead body found in cemetery."
"We can probably find more clues like this inside the cabin. Come on let's go!" Fred said right as he started to make his way inside. "Oh wow, this door is barely holding on! You think the wood might've rotted away thanks to the elements Saitama?"
"... Stop talking." Saitama says.
"And wow! There's food still in the pots here!" Fred called from inside.
"Wait, F-Fred! Don't eat"-
But it was too late.
"Uugh! Whoops. Guess it was rotten." Fred said.
Saitama stomps into the kitchen. "Are you done?"
Fred's attention is then caught by something odd that was on the stove, something that was red... and smelled of copper.
Saitama sighs. "Ah, it's fresh. Seems like your monster had a kill"-
Fred quickly took a finger to the weird red stuff and stared at it. "Is this blood?" He asked before then deciding to stick his tongue out and give this stuff a little lick. Immediately he pulled back with revulsion and a slight hint of fear. "Yep that's blood it seems like!"
Saitama's mouth hangs open. "You... fucking IDIOT! You could get some random fucking diseases by doing that!"
"What? But I'm clean you know!"
"Even so, do you want to gamble with your life and get some unknown disease that could end up being worse than death?!
Fred just turned his attention to a hallway. "Hey a hallway! Let's see where it leads." Fred said with interest.
"... You need a mental examination." Saitama says, sighing.
"Oh wow!" Fred exclaimed. "Hey Saitama, this rug hasn't been changed in years, it has so many holes and tears in it!"
"Love you too, Fred."
"Though that doesn't explain the smell." Fred said. "Something here smells... off. Like it's definitely not a rotten stench, in fact it smells oddly enough a bit... fresher than that."
Saitama walks over, pushing him gently to the side. He then tracks the scent to a room, and- hanging from an old broken light fixture, with gashes taken out of it, was a body. He then turns to Fred. "... If I weren't here that'd be you."
"What!?"
"The body in there. That'd be you."
"... I do not see the resemblance."
"But I have to admit." Fred said. "This is the best dummy body I've ever seen. It looks incredibly real!"
Saitama snaps. "Because that IS A REAL BODY! THIS CABIN IS ABANDONED; IT WAS OBVIOUS FROM THE BEGINNING! ARE YOU SERIOUSLY SO FUCKING BRAIN-DESD AS TO NOT SEE THE OBVIOUS DETAILS FROM A GLANCE, AFTER YEARS OF DOING SHIT LIKE THIS?"
"Hey look Saitama!" Fred said, pointing to the bathroom. "Looks like someone left the door open to the restroom, let's go check it out!"
"No." Saitama says. "You know what? I"-
"Woo-wee!" Fred said. "Smells someone had made quite the stinky in here. Not only that but it has been left here for so long it has fermented!"
"... That's fermented shit. From the sixties."
"Hey look here, the mirror's cracked." Fred said. "It's almost like someone must've smashed it somehow."
"Oh my fucking God, how fucking dense are you? Oh, of course, a broken fucking mirror MUST HAVE BEEN SMASHED! Holy shit! How else would it break? Do you- do you have a fucking stupidity filter in your brain?"
"Wow look at the dirty bathwater that's still in the tub!" Fred said while pointing towards the bathtub before then dropping to one knee and grasping his chin. "Though I wonder, is this really old bathwater?" It was right when he asked that question that he slowly started lowering his hand towards the water.
"Fred... please, do not"-
It was too late.
Fred had gotten a nice helping of dirty bathwater in a cupped hand and was about to take a swig of it.
"Well, bottoms up!" He says right as he takes a sip. Immediately after this, the expected happened and the sleuth simply started coughing up a storm.
"Well, guess we can say for certain that's old!" Fred commented in-between coughing fits.
"Do you taste brown substances you find in the forest to see if they're chocolate?" Saitama asks. "Why not reach into the toilet and devour a dollop of that fermented shit? Why not grab the murderer's weapon and run it across your neck to see if it is a real fucking knife? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
"Hey come on now Saitama." Fred said standing up. "It's a sleuth's job to make sure that everything they see is the real deal."
"So would you jump out of a plane without a parachute to see if gravity was for real?"
Fred stayed silent for a few seconds and then laughed it off. "Now who would do something silly like that?" He asked.
"Someone dumb enough to taste festering bathwater from the sixties."
"Hey, bathwater can't be judged by a single glance."
"And neither can rotten fucking food? Or how about BLOOD?"
"Hey hang on Saitama look over there!" Fred said, pointing over his shoulder. "The fire poker, it's missing from the fireplace! Come on let's check that out."
"... You would go into a store and 'test' display toilets, wouldn't you?"
"Of course! If it wasn't real, then I'd know not to poop there again!"
Fred then begins to scamper over to the fireplace.
"That's odd." Fred commented as he held one hand to his chin. "This camp's supposedly abandoned so it should stand to reason the fire pokers wouldn't be touched. Now who would go out and just steal one?"
"The murderer."
"And who would our culprit be called?" Fred asked.
"Uh, I think... James Vore?"
"Hmm... interesting name bu-" Immediately Fred stopped himself before then recoiling with disgust. "EW VORE?!"
"How- how the fuck do you know about vore?!" Saitama asks.
"Vore? VORE?! Oh my god this is just so much worse!"
"It's not vore"-
"I can't believe it! We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch on this case!" Fred exclaimed right as he ran towards one of the doors. "Come on Saitama, we have to catch this James Vore before he does something sick to my friends!"
"It's their name"-
"Come on we got to... um excuse me kind sir, do you mind maybe stepping to the side? I need to catch a sick monster who engages in vore." Fred says as he casually looks up at a massive hulking figure in tattered clothes who simply stood staring down at him.
Saitama walks up to Fred and pulls them back. "Yeah, not gonna let you fuck this one up."
The figure just lets out a deep guttural growling noise before then staring down at Saitama and tilting his head to the side, as if he was trying to figure out where he had seen the face before.
"Hey nice mask!" Fred said. "You know, I played a little hockey myself back then. Maybe we could go for a game sometime?"
Saitama ignores Fred; since he's out of the 'strike zone'. But to hear more of this sucka... "Fred?"
"Yeah Saitama?"
"Can you not 'Fred' right now?"
"... I'm sorry Saitama, I don't think I follow." Fred said before turning back to the figure. "So big fella, you got a name?"
"James Vore or something?" Saitama sighs. "Wait, no"-
"Wait a second." Fred said as his smile dropped. "This guy is the one behind the vore happening here?"
"Oh... God damn it, Fred."
"Aha!" Fred declared. "So you thought you could evade us didn't you? Well you couldn't and now Mystery Inc. is gonna pull that mask off and see who you really are James!" The figure just stood staring at Fred with his head cocked to the side.
Saitama... shrugged. "Why not?" Saitama reached for the masked murderer's, 'James Vore's, mask.
The figure stood staring at them for a few more seconds before then proceeding to turn around and stomp away from the pair, his pace quickening with every step.
"Hey where are you going?!" Fred called out. "Come back here so you can answer for your vore crimes!"
"Fred?"
"Huh?"
"Never do this shit again."
Fred turned toward Saitama and set his hand on his shoulder. "Sorry Saitama, I'll never stop solving mysteries. That being said, you did great for a first-timer! In fact, I think I'll do something I never usually do. I'll let you take the lead for the rest of this mystery."
"No, I mean... never do dumb shit like this again."
"Huh?" Fred asked. "Saitama, forgive me if I got this wrong but something tells me you don't want to be the head of this mystery."
"Then that 'something' is wrong."
"Hmm okay then, maybe you can help clue me in on what's wrong exactly?" Fred asks. "A-As long as you're willing to I mean. I'm always wanting to improve after all."
"... Fred, I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can convince you not to eat visibly rotten food, or not to lick blood off of your fingers, or not to drink old dirty sixties bathwater."
"Wait, that's what I've been doing wrong?" Fred asked. "Well then why didn't you say so sport?"
A vein bulges on Saitama's head.
Fred looks at this with a confused expression. "What? Was it something I said?"
"... This entire 'mystery' was a mistake." Saitama growls.
"What?! But I've spent ages planning this!" Fred whined. "This was m-oh, oh boy that food isn't sitting too well. Hey Saitama, you think you could stand watch for that vore creep while I go use the john?"
"... I wouldn't NOT stand watch."
"Thanks Saitama, you're a lifesaver!" Fred called as he proceeded to run towards the bathroom.
Saitama seethed. An entire night of this was a huge pain in the ass for him. "How does this team even 'solve' mysteries?"
"Hold on a second." Fred said. "There's one part of this floor that seems oddly placed. Almost like a system was rigged up."
Saitama rushes in an instant to the restroom. He pushes Fred out of the way and takes the full force of the booby trap himself.

"Jesus Christ, why the fuck did we come here?" You think to yourself as you look around at this nightmare of a campground.
Dakteam leans on Hilda, walking towards a patch of ground where a tent could be set up.
"Going to get Shaggy was a huge mistake." You say. "If I had known it would've led to us coming here, I-I would've had second thoughts!"
You were at a loss. You didn't want to believe that you were once again back on this forsaken campground, the one that haunted you in your dreams.
You leaned against Hilda with so much of your body weight, that she was having to course-correct for a straight line.
You were also shaking and sweating profusely, far more than you ever had before when it came to other hazards.
You also were squeezing maybe a little tighter on Hilda's arm than you need to. At this rate, your actions were resembling a panicked puppy far more than they did a potential legendary hero but you just couldn't help it. Not with this place, there was just no way.
"A-are you alright?" Hilda asks.
You simply nod your head no.
Ki... ki... ki... ki... ma... ma... ma... ma...
You jump up and start shaking even more.
You begin to dig your nails into Hilda's arm, which doesn't break her skin, but does leave indentations in it.
"When can we leave this place?" You ask.
"When the team leaves." Hilda says. "Or any time. But then that would be abandoning Shaggy, who we need."
"Is h-no, no you're right." You comment. "Stupid selfish brain. But why can't we just grab these people and go?"
Hilda decides to loosen her arm from yours, which results in you leaning towards her more and eventually, you fall over.
You slowly try to push yourself up onto your feet when...
Ki... ki... ki... ma... ma... ma...
"Why do they insist on trying to solve of all mysteries THIS one?!" You cry out. "Why come to this accursed place?!"
Ki... ki... ma... ki... ma...
You feel the anxiety rising once again as you lose control of your actions.
"Why do they have to all do this?!" You scream out before you then realize what you're doing.
You then try to take in a deep breath. Unfortunately every breath at this moment was coming out quickly, much too quick to calm you.
Ki... ki... ki... ma...
"Dakteam, calm"- Hilda sighs. "Just what is it about this place that scares you?"
"What is it? What is it?! A better question would be what doesn't scare me about this place?! There's the eeriness, the knowledge that fucking murders happened here, the fact it's abandoned and there's the fact that this is also where I lost my..." You cut yourself off right when you got to that point and stared at the ground for a few moments all the while letting out a couple heavy breaths.
You were sweating harder than ever, your knees went extremely weak, you wanted nothing more than to get the fuck out of here.
"Your mother?" Hilda asks.
At the sound of that, you felt as if an old wound had been re-opened. At this rate, it'd only be a matter of time before you finally broke. Regardless, you decided to try and maintain some sense of composure.
"I-It's nothing." You say weakly, your voice damn near close to a whimper.
"Trauma is not shameful." Hilda says, as if reading your mind. "It's nothing to be ashamed of."
You simply say nothing.
"Trauma is a thing that happens. It's..." Hilda stops when she notices tears beginning to well up in your eyes.
"It was..." You started to say, your voice now incredibly shaky.
"It was when I was six. My mom wanted to celebrate the fact that my dad had managed to s-save me by bringing me somewhere for the weekend. She knew I-I liked camping but also realized I never actually went to a proper summer camp... so she took m-me here, to Crystal Lake. There was no way we could've known, at the time it was named Forest Green and it's not like any of those ghost stories were real so we had nothing to fear." At that point, the tears started to pour out of your eyes harder and your voice became more ragged. "Or at least so we thought. I remember waking up some time around 1:00 AM to the crash of glass and a loud scream. My heartrate was going into overdrive, I didn't know what was happening... then I heard footsteps and... a voice struggling and groaning. Now I was taught well by my mom s-so I did what any kid would do, I hid under my bed and tried my damnedest to hold my breath all the while my heartrate seemed to keep getting faster and faster. I didn't know what was going on..." Your paused for a moment as you came upon that particular memory, one that hurt especially the most.
"Until I saw my mother's body being shoved to the ground." You say as you feel yourself getting more choked up. "Her lifeless eyes just stared back at me and I saw her face was bloodied and broken. I-It wasn't just a normal pummeling, she barely looked like my mom anymore and I couldn't do anything. I had my powers at this time but I was just so afraid, so frozen with fear that I didn't do anything but watch as that monster dragged her body out of the cabi-" At this point, the pain became far too much to bear and you just, for lack of a better term, broke. Tears flowed very freely from your face, your chest hurt, you basically were just on your knees in a small heap while you continued to release years worth of suppressed agony.
Hilda looks at you, with understanding, compassion, and sorrow. "Dakteam, a hug?" Hilda asks. She is not used to hugs-
You didn't even hear her. You just kept weeping and weeping.
All you could do was cry.
Ki... ki... ki... ma... ma... ma...
Hilda watches as you toil. "He's so upset it's almost like he's hypnotized."
"Can I hug you?" Hilda asks. You give a slow meek nod.
Ki... ki... ki... ma... ma... ma...
Hilda leans in, hugging you.
Ki... ki... ki... ma... ma... ma...
"I... miss her so much." You say.
Hilda hugs you. "I'm sorry you had to experience that, Dakteam."
"It's part of the reason why I dedicated myself so much to my power rather than my training." You say with a sniffle. "I hated the fact that I like a coward just watched a-" You immediately cut yourself off once you caught a glimpse of a pair of dirty muddy boots stomping toward you. "Oh no..." You mouth.
Hilda turned towards the figure.
You raised your head only slightly and you were ready for it to be the man behind the mask, the terrifying slasher that haunted you all those years ago... then your expression changed to show relief and confusion when you saw the dirty, pissed off face of Saitama.
"I AM NEVER WORKING WITH FRED, OR ANY OF THE SCOOBY GANG AGAIN, SO LONG AS THEY ARE NOT SCOOBY, SHAGGY, VELMA, DAPHNE- RATHER, ANYONE ELSE EXCEPT FRED! I AM NEVER WORKING WITH FRED AGAIN! FUCK THAT SHIT, FUCK THIS CAMP, FUCK JAMES VORE! FUCK... what's going on?" Saitama's face changed to neutral and confused at the sight of you. "Did someone get vored?"
"What?" Hilda asks, weirded out.
"... I don't know." Saitama shrugs. "I'm just tired of being here."
"I've been really... tired..." You say.
"You alright?"
"Yeah... I just... alright, I'm fine." You look at Hilda.
"Like what's going on everyone?" You turned towards the source of the voice and see that Shaggy had also made their way towards you.
"Like holy hell what happened to you?" Shaggy asked as he looked at Saitama.
"Fred. Fred happened." Saitama replies.
"Fred happened?" Shaggy asks.
"Fred h-... ah, FUCK! I left Fred with-... that vore guy!"
"Vore guy... what?" You ask with a raised eyebrow.
Hilda looks at Saitama. "We need to rescue him."
Your eyes widen. "Vore guy... vore... Voorhees." You quietly repeat to yourself.
Hilda sighs. "Don't trigger Dakteam's trauma; he's already in a spiral."
Saitama immediately took another look at you and then apologized. "Oh, I'm sorry, Dak. I didn't mean to make you more upset."
You look up at Saitama as you push yourself up onto your feet. "I-It's oka-"
"FINALLY I FOUND YOU!" Immediately everyone turned to see Fred running up. Although, he now had a big gash in his arm. "That vore guy did something bad to my arm!"
Saitama sighs. "... I am so sorry Fred. Also, stop saying th"-
"Man that vore guy! He's like... a walking tank or something. He just keeps coming."
"Fred, stop." Saitama warns. "Seriously, stop saying that name"-
"Alright gang, listen Saitama was right all along." Fred said. "This mystery is too dangerous for us to deal with separately so we should all stay together. Then we should hatch a plan to unmask this vore guy and see who he really is."
"Fred, stop. Just stop. Stop. Shut up. For once I agree with you, but for FUCK'S SAKE STOP SAYING THAT NAME! Remember? You appointed me as the leader of this mystery! So I command therefore that everyone stop SAYING THAT!" Saitama sighs, angry. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for this. I'm sorry for not being calm when"- Saitama turns to Shaggy. "Fred ate fermented rotten old food from the sixties!"
Saitama turns back to you. "Anyway, Dak, don't worry. We're getting you out of here."
Hilda stares into the distance towards where Fred walked from. "We should."
Saitama sighs. "Anyway, I'm glad everyone's in a better mood now. But let's get everything sorted out."
Suddenly, everyone's attention is grabbed by the loud noise of what sounded like something fleshy splattering against a tree.
Everyone looks over and are shocked to see the corpse of Daphne and... what was left of her head on the tree. The sight was absolutely horrific, incredibly graphic... and it inspired a very, VERY stupid comment.
"Wow! It seems as though this vore guy was ready to psyche people out. He even made fake corpses." Fred said.
Saitama began to walk towards Jason. "Alright, fuck this." Saitama said as he raised his fist.
Shaggy immediately stepped in front of him. "Hey! Hold on! This guy's mine!"
"Who's you-" Almost immediately you find it hard to breathe as you finally see the horror you've dreaded seeing again and he was just like you remembered him from the tattered brown jacket to his rotted grey skin and his emotionless hockey mask.
"J-J-Jason..." You stammer out.
Shaggy immediately got into a fighting stance. "So it is you. Like I knew there was something familiar about that name."
Jason looks around. He is very confused and seems to be pondering whether or not he should... retreat back into the woods.
"Wasn't Jason a child who was a victim of neglect?" Hilda asks. "Won't fighting him just give him a stronger anger and hatred in the future?"
"You don't remember? Figures, it was a long time ago. Scoob, Scrappy and I once took a trip to Crystal Lake. Back then I was little more than a meek coward who had to watch as you killed my poor bud's nephew. Now I'm ready to take you d-"
"🅱🅾🆖!" Jason suddenly blurted out.
Your eyes immediately widen though it's not with fear.
"What?" Shaggy asks.
"🅿-🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿!" Jason stammered.
"He said that thing, he fucking said that thing." You say.
"🅱🅾🆖!" Jason shouts again.
You look at Saitama. "You got rid of that paper right?"
Saitama looks at you. "Uh, I think I forgot I was holding it."
"You... forgot?" You ask, completely dumbfounded.

"Uh guys?" Shaggy began. "Is he like, supposed to be levitating like that?" Immediately you turn to see Jason indeed was levitating high in the air with his body moving very, VERY erratically.
"🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖➖🅱🅾🆖! 🅿🅾🅾🅿! 🅿🅾🅾🅿Y🅿🅾🅾🅿! 🆑1️⃣🆖! 🆑🅰🆖! ®🅰🆖🅰🅱🅰🆖! 🅱🅾🅾🅿! 🅿🅾🅾🅿! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅰🆖! 🅿🅾🅾🅿! 🆑🅾🅿! F🅰🅿! F🅾🅿! 🅱🅾🆖🅰🅱🅾🆖🅰‼‼‼‼‼‼‼" Jason sh🅾ut3️⃣d.
"You know something Hilda? I strangely am not scared anymore of him." You say. "At least not when he's in this ridiculous state."
"🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖🅾! 🅿🅾🅾🅿! F🅾🅾🅿! 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿! 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿🅿Y5️⃣🅾U🅿! 🅿🅾🅾🅿! 🅿3️⃣W🅿! F🅾©K🅰F🅾©K🅰! 5️⃣🅿🅾🅾🅿! 5️⃣🅿🅾🅾🅿Y🅱🅾🅾🅿Y! 🅾🅾G🅰! 🅾🅾K🅰! F🅾1️⃣1️⃣🅰W🅾1️⃣1️⃣🅰! ©🅾©K! 🅿1️⃣5️⃣5️⃣YW1️⃣5️⃣5️⃣Y! 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿! 🆑🅾©K🅱🅾©KY! 🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖🅱🅾🆖! 🅿🅾🆖🅱🅾🅾🆖🅱🅾🆖🅿🅾🆖🅱🅾🆖🅿🅾🆖! 🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖!" Jason shouted. "🅱🅱🅾🆖👀👀👀👀👀👀👀😁😁😉! 🅱🅾🆖! D🅾🆖! D🅾🆖! 🅾🅾K🅰-🅱🅾🅾K🅰! 🅾🅾G🅰-🅱🅾🅾G🅰! 🅱🅾🅾G! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖!"

Immediately the threat was averted when Saitama landed a swift punch to Jason's face, causing the slasher to fly into the lake.
"This is the most ridiculous shit I have ever been a witness to." Saitama says, sighing.
"Hold on why'd you do that?" Fred asked. "Now we'll never be able to unmask this vore guy!"
"He's not a trickster, he's a murderer." Saitama walks back towards the Mystery Machine. "It's time to go."
"Wait!" Fred shouted. "When can you be trusted to stick around and help us again?"
Saitama turns around. "How about never?"
"Hold on a moment Saitama." You said. "Maybe you should come with me and Hilda, I have an idea."
Hilda looks at you. "We're going to Instant Transmission back to the places affected by the Bongsmokers."
"Are you sure that'll work?" Saitama asked.
"Maybe if you let it work." Hilda says.
You take a few seconds to think before then opening your eyes with realization. "Oh and before I forget, Shaggy? Scooby? Care to tag-along?"
"I may not know what's going on man but like there's no way I'm letting this weird 'Bong' thing mess with my friends." Shaggy said.
"That's right." Scooby added.
"Wait you guys are leaving?" Fred asked to which you nod. "Well in that case Saitama, I'm gonna miss you. Just know that in this team, you're considered an honorary mystery-solver."
Saitama winces. "Let's leave."
Hilda Instant Transmissions you, Shaggy, and Scooby out of the camp and back to Tremorton.
"ALRIGHT WHERE'S THE BASTARD?!" Ryuko shouted right as she landed, all powered up and ready to go.
"Oh you mean the vore guy?" Fred asked. "Saitama punched him into the lake."
"I KNEW IT WAS TOO E-wait what?" Ryuko cut herself both after realizing that the threat was taken out so easily... and she was also immensely confused by what Fred just said.
"Disappointing right? We didn't even get to unmask the guy before he did it." Fred said.

Returning to the town of Tremorton, you find that everything is just as it was before your disappearance, with one exception- You find that all of the small-time stores in the town have been replaced with variations of 🅱🅾🆖 and 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿.
"Like this is disturbing." Shaggy commented.
Scooby also seemed to notice it. "Man... some places just really need the internet to be taken away."
"🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿! 🅱🅾🆖!" You turn to see the teacher from way earlier now commanding an army of children who were all screaming inane meme bullshit.
"Wait no one told me I'd have to punch children!" Saitama said.
"I know this sounds wrong but forget that, I just realized that if we were to have you punch every single person affected by this, it would take way, WAY too long!" You say.
Hilda looks around at the city, seeming to be very... pained.
You notice the expression. "What is it Hilda?"
"This is my fault." Hilda says. "I should've planned for this!"
"Should've planned for what?"
"This. EVERYTHING."
"To be fair Hilda, no one can exactly prepare for a meme plague that spreads through simple speech and even through telepathic thought. None of this is your fault." You say.
"I should've taken more care with the transmission of information! This is a MEMETIC virus! Memes travel through the collective unconscious! It should've occurred to me that it's capable of jumping from telepathic messages!"
"Dakteam has a point though." Saitama said. "I mean I may not be the absolute most in-tune with what's going on but just looking at this situation as an outsider? I don't see how anyone could've been able to predict... this."
"But I should have." Hilda says, staring at the bullshit. "I should have been able to predict this."
"Should've, but you couldn't have." You say. "It's not your fault, it's no one's fault."
Saitama nods in agreement.
Hilda ignores both of you and walks through the city, her expression very pained. "I should have predicted this." She says, seriously.
"Hilda..." You're stopped when Saitama holds his hand out.
"Hilda, even though you might blame yourself for all that has happened here, it is not your fault. It's not your fault that some people fall into these ideologies. It's not your fault that... 'some people' may mean the majority." Saitama says, sighing. "There is nothing we can do now that the damage has been done."
"But I sent the message to Dakteam without considering that this could happen."
"We can only hope that they can be saved."
Hilda continues to look pained.
Saitama then walks over to Hilda and crouches down by her side.
"Hilda..." He says, looking at her face. She stares at the chaos and 🅱🅾🆖 that Tremorton is corrupted with. "Please don't blame this on yourself."
Hilda looks at Saitama. "Don't tell me how to feel about this."
"Hilda, you're blaming yourself for this, which isn't healthy."
"But isn't it right? That I feel the pain of something that I indirectly caused? I'm willing to change myself to improve, but not how I feel about my impact on the world." Hilda walks into the city, Saitama about to follow her, but...
"She's very similar to me." Saitama thinks to himself. "A strong sense of what it means to be a hero."
Saitama then turns to you... just as you are tackled by the crazed teacher.
"🅱🅾🆖! 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿!" The teacher shouted. You tried to punch her but your muscles aren't working. That trip to Crystal Lake had left you way too winded.
"🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖!" The teacher was then followed by the preschoolers, who collectively shouted "🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿"!
"Get off of me!" You shout.
"🅱🅾🆖🅰🅱🅾🆖Y🅱🅾🆖U!" The teacher screamed into your face. "🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿! 🅿🅾🅾🅿🅾🅾! 🅿🅾🅾🅿! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖!"
"SAITAMA!" You shout.
Saitama punched the teacher in the gut. The 🅱🅾🆖 was knocked out of her, and she looked around. "What... the"- she heard her students- "🅱🅾🆖!" She shouted again.
Saitama then crouched down. "The only way to stop this permanently is by stopping bong itself." He said in a monotone voice.
"Let's get to the high school." Hilda suggested. "They seem socially isolated enough that the Bongsmokers haven't infiltrated their echo chamber yet."
You were just about to nod in agreement when you feel yourself stop and your eyes widening in response to what Saitama said. "Pepe..." You say, prompting both Saitama and Shaggy to look at you.
"What?" Saitama asked.
"Pepe! You know Pepe the Frog? I can't believe we didn't think of this. If we stop Pepe then we should end the bong influence all at once!"
Hilda looks towards the high school. "But first, we should go to the one non-infected place."
"Wait hold on, Pepe is behind this?" Saitama asked. "A crappy meme is behind this?" You nod.
"Once we head inside the high school I'll tell you everything." You say.
You were just about to raise your hand to your forehead only to then stop yourself. You keep paused for a few seconds before then turning to Hilda.
"On second thought Hilda, you can be the one to use Instant Transmission."
Hilda grabs your arm, and Saitama's. Saitama holds Shaggy's shoulder.
Hilda Instant Transmissions you into the high school.
You materialize right in the middle of a gym just as a game of dodgeball was going on and sure enough, you wind up hit in the dick by a dodgeball.
Hilda looks over at you, apologetic. "I apologize that this keeps happening to you, Dakteam."
"Eh it's alright." You reply. "Strangely enough I feel there has to be a metaphor buried here for how the school system of Tremorton is a dick."
"Not to be a dick myself dude but can we get straight to explaining what's going on?" Saitama asks to which you nod.
"Alright but first. Hilda?"
"Take these people to Other World?" Hilda asks.
"Yes."
Hilda begins to Instant Transmission back and forth between Other World and Tremorton High School, bringing students and teachers with her.
"So Dakteam, I'm curious, can you do that?" Saitama asks. You sheepishly look down at the ground.
"Yeah but uh... just nowhere near as good."
"Why's that?" Saitama asks. Immediately you just want to get out of this conversation.
"Muffin button." You say.
"What?"
"What?" You reply just as Hilda shows up.
"I've Instant Transmissioned all of the school's current occupants."
"Alright so now that everyone's here and the building is secure..." You explain the ENTIRE convoluted story to Saitama.
"Guess you can't shorten that to 10 words or less, huh?" Saitama asks, sighing.
"Well the 10 word version is Pepe and Vic are bad, we must stop them or at least, that's the part that makes sense." You say.
Hilda walks over to you. "Going back to Honnouji."
Saitama held up his hand. "Hold on a moment. I have an idea, since this whole issue is because of that voice acting dude and meme, perhaps we should split up. I could be taken to this Honnouji place to deal with what's there and you guys could go off and deal with those two."
Hilda grabs Saitama's wrist. "I'll do that. Be right back, Dakteam."
Hilda Instant Transmissions away and you watch as she then reappears in an instant... just as another set of people teleported in with your eyes widening when you saw who it was.
"L-Lord Beerus!" You exclaim.
"Now who in the hell are you?" Beerus asks. "Are you the one who caused this damn apocalypse?" You immediately sweat-drop.
"I was." Hilda says, taking the blame for it again. She then pulls out her phone and starts taking pictures to prove it.
"You."
Hilda nods.
"Well then." Beerus said as he raised his hand. "Good to see the culprit offer themselves up for erasure." Your eyes widen.
"Excuse you?!" You ask.
"Hey kid, it's my job to erase those who've made a mess of things and this one has certainly made a big mess." Beerus said.
"That she's going to fix by actually taking down the two responsible for this!" You exclaim.
Supreme Kai looks at Beerus. "Please Lord Beerus, you know that senseless murder won't solve anyth-POOPCLAP!" Beerus flashed a glare at the Supreme Kai.
"You are being a selfish asshole." Hilda points out bluntly. "And since Goku was able to resist it at the hands of the Grinch, and I am training with Saitama, it won't even work."
"Really now?" Beerus asked. "I'm the selfish one here? And who asked for your opinion?! You're the one who came to get my help and left me behind in the Realm of the Kais and when I finally got out of it to help, I find you offering yourself up as the culprit and now I'm learning you're just blaming yourself for something that two other nitwits caused!"
"This isn't gonna go well is it?" You ask the Supreme Kai.
"Nop-POOPCLAP!"
"I had to because that's when it spiraled into chaos. You're only thinking about what's directly in front of you. The reason why I didn't take your position as God of Destruction is because, as a God of Destruction, you destroy senselessly and meaninglessly rather than- why not just find the energy of the two that are causing this and destroy THEM?! Rather than coming to us and fucking up our plans? Do you think that this situation is easy to solve? Then solve it!"
Beerus glares at her. "That's not what Gods of Destruction do! We destroy things to bring in new life and leave duties to the mortal population to solve unless we are strictly needed! If you disagree with that and don't want to become one, I don't care! That's not even what this is about! This is about how you are pinning all the blame on yourself for something two idiots caused, two idiots that I should let you know I can't find and because you didn't tell me that two idiots caused it right away? Well congratulations, you've wasted more time than if you just told me! Lover of life my ass!" Beerus shouts.
"Oh this is not good." Supreme Kai said.
You then begin to feel a little worried. You're not sure what's going to happen next.
Hilda's expression changed. She was hurt by what Beerus said. "Well, fuck the rules then." Hilda tells Beerus, a fucking God of Destruction. Her eyes flash purple for a split second and she strikes out at him.
Supreme Kai jumps in the way to stop her.
"Please! Let's solve this without violence, shall w-POOPCLAP!" Beerus simply glares at the Supreme Kai.
Hilda lowers her fist. "I didn't know gods could be tangled up in meaningless bureaucracy." Hilda sighs.
"Honestly at this point you are so unbearable!" Beerus said.
"Okay I've seen enough." You thought to yourself right before you Instant Transmission away.

When you appear you're right outside Konami HQ in Japan... or at least, it should be Japan. Oddly enough despite the building being very clearly the Konami HQ, everything surrounding it was completely different. The sky was dark with the only light coming from fairly frequent white flashes, there was an eeriness in the air and there was-
"🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿!" You jumped up at the sound but only once. Afterwards you just let out a sigh once you realized what it was. Rather than the standard boom of thunder, instead random meme phrases would be heard booming out at almost earrape volumes and to top it all off, there was the Konami building itself which didn't have a Konami logo but rather a familiar green logo you hated along with white text right under it that said "Rekeita and the Real Americans Inc." which caused you to vomit a little in your mouth.
When you started to make your way into the building, it was unlike anything you'd ever expect from an HQ for a game company. The inside looked like ancient ruins from a bygone era thousands of years in the past or at least, a pastiche of one since instead of ancient relics and statues of historical figures? You found stupid "Fear the Beard" merch, Pepe pins and statues of various characters that Vic Mignogna had voiced which again, made you throw up in your mouth.
"At last." You hear a familiar voice call out right as you stepped onto... a replica of Thomas the Tank Engine that had Biggie Smalls's face plastered on the front. In fact you were lucky to have even recognized the voice considering you could barely hear it over the meme shit and the loud blaring of "ⓂUTH🅰FU©K🅰5️⃣ ©🅾ⓂE 🅾N! ⓂUTH🅰FU©K🅰5️⃣ ©🅾ⓂE 🅾N!" that was so obnoxious in volume you swear your ears would start bleeding after a few more seconds of hearing it.
"Mobius was just the beginning... I will give this world so much more..."
"You will give them nothing." You comment as the train finally reached its stop.
You step out of the engine bay and onto the stone ground below and you look above you to see something that makes you utter a most obvious but accurate observation. "Oh Disney's gonna sue somebody."
"My boy..." Vic replied as he stared down at you in his large throne and bright white replica Jesus robes, "soon, I will BE Disney."
"You'll lose dominion first." You say.
"I lost it once..." Vic replied, his voice showing a large degree of spite, "along with my career."
"Serves you right for being a creep." You shoot back.
"But I apologiz-" Vic replied.
"No, you made excuses and a shitty lawsuit." You interrupt.
"I had no choice." Vic said, his voice slightly raised. Off to your left, you could see two people coming up. Specifically you could see people who you instantly recognized as the Blackface Lawyer and Percy "Thank You" Beard. You then flashed your gaze back to Vic who simply was continuing while this was going on. "I had to do something to save i-"
"Then you could've actually apologized and kept your head down." You interject. "The PR department would've taken care of everything else and you would've still had a career. No you did that because those two dickweasels played off your immediate reaction."
Vic's eyes narrow. "You...!" He shouts and is just about to get up from his seat.
"No worries Vic, I'll deal with this ni**er-faggot." Another voice called out, prompting you to look over your shoulder.
"You..." You simply utter as you watch as a big green frog enters the room, flanked by hordes of scantily-clad sex slaves and several... Fortnite models?
"Wh🅾 th🅰t F🅰GG🅾T th🅰t b3️⃣ w🅰1️⃣k1️⃣🆖 t🅾 🅾🅿🅿🅾5️⃣3️⃣ 🅾u® 🅱🅾🆖5️⃣Ⓜ🆗1️⃣🆖⁉" The frog announced as it croaked.
"My God..." You reply. "I'm so done with this shit."
"Not if you 🅱3️⃣©🅾Ⓜ3️⃣ 🅰 🅱🅾🆖5️⃣Ⓜ🆗3️⃣®!" The frog exclaims as it hops around in excitement.
"You have got to be kidding..."
"Nope, not kidding." The frog says while hopping around even more. "N1️⃣GG3️⃣®‼"
You simply stare at him very, very blankly.
"Long have we waited… for this day." Vic said. Before you could react, suddenly you felt massive pains in your dicks as you were forced to your knees. "Ugh... what th-"
"Ah..." Vic said in an almost seductive voice. "Your chips, they haven't been removed."
"My... chips?"
You then remember. "Oh yeah, fucking Quigley. Well no matter, I ca-wait what the actual hell?!"
"You poor stupid fool." Vic began. "You think I wouldn't prepare for this? I've spent these past several years training with Pepe in the MEEM Side of the Force. For you see, you merely adopted power while I? I was molded in it."
You cringe. "A fucking Bane quote, really?"
Vic ignores your remark and continues. "You see, Dakteam. I am perfection, I am a God-given flesh that was blessed upon this weary planet. I AM A 5️⃣U©©3️⃣5️⃣5️⃣! I CANNOT BE TOUCHED!"
You stare at Vic with a mixture of contempt and boredom. "Oh come the fuck on, he's now quoting Big Smoke."
"5️⃣HUT U🅿 NIGGER!" Pepe shouted right as he forced your face into the ground.
Vic then began to make his way towards you. "You know I didn't want any of this to happen right? You know that all I wanted to do was give young people hope where there was none, to give them love when others would've given them slaps to the face, I never intended to make people feel unwelcome." You rolled your eyes.
"But you did Vic." You began. "You made so, SO many people feel uncomfortable. It doesn't matter what your intentions were, you could be the nicest guy on this entire planet and it wouldn't matter because you STILL made them uncomfortable, you still did the deed!"
"Again, I apologized." Vic replied.
"No you didn't!" You say, your voice raising. "A real apology by you would've been an admittance of all your crimes but instead you made excuses and weaponized your entire fanbase!" Vic was given pause for a few moments.
"I didn't know they were gonna do that." He began. "I had absolutely no con-"
"YOU KNOW WHAT'S BULLSHIT?! That statement. That very statement is bullshit because you knew full well you could've influenced them to do better. You could've told them not to go out and harass, you could've encouraged them not to give Rekeita money and engage in all the doxxing and harassment but you didn't! You kept things going beyond any sense of reason and just put out lame excuses about you had no control when you knew full well what you were doing. Hell you're living proof now of how what you said was bullshit because you're now standing in a shitty robe that reeks of blasphemy with a stupid fascist meme in a dark oppressive headquarters planning to make everyone a bunch of molesters and victims all the while playing this goddamn fucking piece of shit repetitive annoying Megalovania remix that is GETTING THE FUCK ON MY NERVES! I MEAN HOLY SHIT SHUT THIS BASTARD OFF! PLEASE SHUT THIS BASTARD OFF! I CAN'T FUCKING STAND IT ANYMORE!"
You begin hitting your hands and head against the ground right as you devolve into cursing and roaring.
"3️⃣N🅾UGH, NIGGER." Pepe says. "I DONT WANNA HEAR YA NIGGAAAAAEEEEER."
"I can't...I can't...(angry sob) Why did this happen?" You yell.
"Seriously, why Vic? You were a talented voice actor, you were someone young people looked up to! Why would you go down this dark road?!"
"Because... 🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖!" He yells, laughing. "W🅰NT 🅰 T🅾K3️⃣❓"
"You're a fucking monster." You say.
"Me? A monster?" Vic began. "No. I'M A GOD!"
"OH MY GOD HE'S SO GODDAMN COOL!" You hear several of his followers shout out.
"Told you he was our star."
"Dude, I so wanna bang you!"
"Let's show him some love people, let's raise our hands to praise our lord and savior!"
"No he i-wait what?!" You suddenly feel a wet slimy thing wrap around your body lifting you high in the air. Immediately you look down and see that Pepe had used not his frog tongue... but his dick.
"Your opinion doesn't matter." Vic replied. "The truth lives in me... I will be the ruler of this universe... Me and my followers will spread our love far and wide!" The cheers get even louder. "We will ascend far beyond our limits, face every impossible odd and overcome all challenges! With the help of my faithful, I SHALL RETURN!"
Vic begins to increase the distance between you and him. "AND YOU WILL WATCH!"
You let out a scream that goes beyond mere human capability as you power up to Super Saiyan and break free from Pepe's grasp. With eyes full of fury, you make a charge for Vic, only to then be pinned to the ground by Blackface Lawyer, Percy and Pepe.
Vic then turns his back to you. "It's a pity you don't see what a momentous occasion this is."
"What am I supposed to be happy that a goddamn pedophile wants to spread his filth far and wide?" You ask.
Vic sighs. "So ignorant, just like all progressives are."
"You are a fucking monster."
"Oh how far we've moved from the days of people being innocent until proven guilty. It's enough to make you shed a tear."
"Over the course of this entire mess, I've seen what it's like to walk in other people's shoes, what it means to listen and be compassionate towards others. I had friends to call me out on my mistakes, people not afraid to guide me and put up with my arrogance enough until I learned."
"I had friends once." Vic said wistfully. "Or at least, I thought I did since they either betrayed me or they were turned against me by someone else."
"You pushed those friends away!" You say. "Every single person who tried to help you wound up drifting away because you refused to listen to them about your issues. Because you wanted blind mindless sycophants instead of actual friends!"
"Don't lecture me fool." He said. "I see through the lies of progressives, I am not a soyboy like you are. And thanks to that fact? I will bring peace, justice, freedom, and security to my universe!"
"Your universe?" You begin. "Vic, listen to yourself! You were fed lies by grifters! People who never cared about you or your career in the first place! You have allowed those two assholes to force you down this path until you were left with nothing!"
"Nothing?" Vic replied before then motioning to his followers. "Does this look like nothing to you?! Oh wait, why should I care what you think? You probably were one of the several hundred people who tried to take me down out of hate." You look completely baffled.
"Do you even listen to yourself? The grand majority of people who stood with the victims wanted nothing but the best FOR you! If felt hatred for anything? It was purely for your actions and nothing more because otherwise they actually hoped you'd get better! There were even people willing to leave their doors open just in case you did finally change! Hell even now despite all you've done, despite all the shit you've pulled, I don't come here with hatred for the person whatsoever!"
Vic just stares at you in stunned silence, as if a few of those words struck a cord. At that point, a very faint glimmer of hope presented itself as you thought back to a previous interaction with Hilda following your execution of Quigley. You really meant it when you told her that from that point on, you wanted to look for alternatives. How you didn't want to just senselessly murder the villain unless it absolutely positively was the only other option so any chance, ANY chance that Vic eventually would see the error of his ways was most welcome... unfortunately for you, those hopes went out the window with the next response.
"Hehehehehehe. Hahahahahaha." Vic began laughing. An odd reaction for sure and at first you thought maybe his mind broke or something... then it became significantly more... maniacal. "Haha. Haha. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"What's so funny Ⓜ3️⃣1️⃣n n3️⃣g3️⃣r?" Pepe asks, growing a certain mustache.
"🅱🅰H🅰H🅰🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖‼" He covers his mouth. "Oops, I guess I laughed too hard."
"Vic..." You begin. "Search your feelings you know what I'm saying to be true."
"Look at you." Vic began. "You're trying to tell me about what I'm doing wrong and yet you're currently being forced down onto the ground. The deed that was you becoming a progressive split you down to the bone. Face it Dakteam, you've failed!" Vic shouted right as he thrust his arms outward.
"Ay yo fam, when we gon' k🅰ch1️⃣🅱🅱🅰 this n1️⃣🅱🅱-OW FUCKIN' KER-CH🅾🅾!" Pepe shouted right as... something poured out of him into Vic's hands.
"And now..." Vic began as he felt his lips beginning to bulge out. "With my mastery of the Ⓜ3️⃣3️⃣Ⓜ Side of the Force..." Suddenly you feel the grip on you being loosened up. "And the powers of lawyers at my side. I claim what's rightfully mine and become the... one... true... 🅱🅾🆖5️⃣Ⓜ🆗3️⃣® Emperor!" Immediately you turn towards Beard and Blackface Lawyer who were both shriveling up like raisins and as Pepe began to become increasingly more deep-fried and deformed though oddly enough, he seemed... happy.
"AHAHAHA! I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YAH N1️⃣GGY-W1️⃣GGY!" Pepe shouted. "NOW POWER CAN BE RESTORED! S1️⃣3️⃣G M3️⃣3️⃣MS! THIS IS A RE1️⃣CH-VORTHY PRA1️⃣S🅾1️⃣🅾1️⃣🅾1️⃣🅾1️⃣🅾1️⃣🅾1️⃣🅾1️⃣🅾1️⃣🅾!" Once you heard that final shout, you realized what was going on a few moments too late and thus you turned to see... possibly the most offensive thing you've ever seen. From absorbing the lifeforce of his allies, while Vic basically looked the same, he had green frog-like skin instead of his usual Caucasian hues and along with that, he had fingers that were also slightly more froggish. As for his face it was the same... except for what he guessed was a beard being present which was hard to see underneath the dark brown face-paint that was now present. It was the most horrifying combination of racism, memes and pedophilia that you had ever seen in your entire life.
"Huh?" Was all you could say as Vic began to hop around in front of you.
"S3️⃣3️⃣!" Vic said. "TH1️⃣5️⃣ 1️⃣5️⃣ WH🅰T T®U3️⃣ P🅾W3️⃣R L🅾🅾K5️⃣ L1️⃣K3️⃣‼"
Before you could say anything. Suddenly you feel yourself being flung back by Vic's strengthened Ⓜ3️⃣3️⃣Ⓜ powers. You groaned and grunted as your back slammed against the stone floor which upon every impact made an earrape-volume "🅾🅾F!" sound.
"L🅾🅾K 🅰T WH🅰T 1️⃣'V3️⃣ 🅱3️⃣©🅾Ⓜ3️⃣ T®U3️⃣ 🅱3️⃣1️⃣1️⃣3️⃣V3️⃣®5️⃣!" Vic shouted to his followers. "1️⃣🅾🅾K 🅰T H🅾W F3️⃣3️⃣🅱1️⃣3️⃣ AND W3️⃣🅰K 🅾U® 🅾🅿🅿🅾5️⃣1️⃣T1️⃣🅾N 1️⃣5️⃣! 1️⃣T 1️⃣5️⃣ 🅾FF1️⃣C1️⃣🅰1️⃣ MY 🅱®🅾TH3️⃣®5️⃣ 🅰ND 5️⃣1️⃣5️⃣T3️⃣®5️⃣! 🅾U® 3️⃣🅰1️⃣V🅰T1️⃣🅾N 1️⃣5️⃣ N3️⃣🅰®!" As this speech is going on, you force yourself onto your knees and vomit up a bit of blood, you could feel your bones aching and screaming, many cuts and scrapes on your body bleeding profusely and in particular, you could swear you were missing teeth.
"You know." You huff. "What you just did was really stupid because all you've given me is only one target I need to worry about." Immediately you charge for Vic who wastes no time in grabbing you by the throat and choke-slamming you into the ground.
You waste no time in trying to kick Vic in the dick, only to feel every bone in your foot shatter instead. Smirking, Vic lifted you up and with one hand landed seven hundred punches straight to your gut before then tossing you back to where you were.
"Y🅾U 🅰TH3️⃣1️⃣5️⃣T F🅾🅾1️⃣!" Vic shouts. "1️⃣3️⃣T Y🅾U® D3️⃣🅰TH 🅱3️⃣ TH3️⃣ 🅱3️⃣G1️⃣NN1️⃣🆖 W🅾®D 1️⃣N TH3️⃣ 5️⃣T🅾®Y 🅰🅱🅾UT TH3️⃣ 3️⃣ND 🅾F 5️⃣⤴W5️⃣ 🅰ND 🅰1️⃣1️⃣ ⓂY 3️⃣N3️⃣Ⓜ1️⃣3️⃣5️⃣!" You barely had enough time to throw up your hands to block the gigantic green energy wave that Vic fired from one hand. The pain at this point is almost unbearable as you feel flesh burning off your arms, blood boiling inside, the weight of the wave itself nearly causing your arms to snap apart.
"NGH..." You groan.
"Y🅾U 🅰®3️⃣ N🅾TH1️⃣🆖! ®3️⃣3️⃣3️⃣3️⃣3️⃣3️⃣!" Vic shouts, his eyes bulging. "🅰 5️⃣1️⃣🆖1️⃣3️⃣ 5️⃣⤴W N🅾®Ⓜ1️⃣3️⃣ 1️⃣5️⃣ N🅾 Ⓜ🅰T©H F🅾® 🅰1️⃣1️⃣ TH3️⃣ 🅿🅾W3️⃣® 1️⃣N Ⓜ3️⃣! 1️⃣ 🅰Ⓜ 🅰1️⃣1️⃣ TH3️⃣ 🅰N1️⃣Ⓜ3️⃣! 1️⃣ 🅰Ⓜ TH3️⃣ Ⓜ3️⃣3️⃣Ⓜ5️⃣! 1️⃣ 🅰Ⓜ TH3️⃣ W🅾®1️⃣D!" Upon hearing that, you feel energy charging up inside you, demonstrated by a bright golden aura and at that point, you realize what you needed to do.
"No." You say. "This is the world. ZA WARUDO..." And with that shout, you powered up to Super Saiyan Blue right as your stand manifested. "FURUUPAWAA..." Your stand immediately pressed their hands against the energy beam. "MEMU..."
"H🅰H🅰H🅰H🅰!" Vic laughed "IT'S U5️⃣3️⃣1️⃣3️⃣5️⃣5️⃣! YOUR ATTACK IS U5️⃣3️⃣1️⃣3️⃣5️⃣5️⃣! U5️⃣3️⃣1️⃣3️⃣5️⃣5️⃣! U5️⃣3️⃣1️⃣3️⃣5️⃣5️⃣! U5️⃣3️⃣1️⃣3️⃣5️⃣5️⃣! U5️⃣3️⃣1️⃣3️⃣5️⃣5️⃣! I WIN! I AM GOD! I AM THE GOD OF 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿! I HAVE DOMINION OVER EVERYONE! 🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖‼" "KONTAA!" And with that shout, you and your stand redirected the full force of the energy beam right back at Vic who went from smiling and laughing maniacally to looking on with shock as his own attack enveloped him. Once you saw that, you immediately pulled your hands back.
"ZA WARUDO: ENAEGII BUBURU!" You shout right as you brought your hands together, causing a giant purple bubble to encase Vic and the energy that surrounded him inside. It was the best way to ensure that absolutely not a single soul that Vic had brainwashed would be killed unintentionally.
"NO! THIS! THIS CANNOT BE! I'M MIGNOGNA! I AM THE Ⓜ3️⃣3️⃣Ⓜ1️⃣🅾®D! I am... 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿! 🅱🅾🆖! 🆑🅰🅿🅿🅾🅾🅿! 🅿🅾🅾🅿F🅰🅿! F🅰🅿! F🅰🅿! F🅰🅿! 🅱🅾🆖! G🅾NK! G🅾🅾K! N1️⃣GG🅰! N1️⃣GG🅰! N🅾🅿3️⃣! 🅿1️⃣🆖🅰5️⃣! G🅾🅾N! 🅱🅾🅾🅿! F🅾🅾🅿! 5️⃣🅾🅾🅿! D🅾🅾🅿🅰D🅾🅾🅿🅿🅾🅾🅿! 🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🅾🆖!" And with that final shout, you watched as Vic was just about to die and with that, you noticed several of Vic's followers clasping their hands together as they looked on with horror and disbelief, a showcase that his hold over them is waning and it was then you moved onto your next technique.
"ZA WARUDO: KONTORORU REAEESU" With that utterance, you could feel this working for the chips inside your dick you felt immediately disintegrating into nothingness which clued you in that the same was happening for everyone else and it came just in time too for you looked down at Vic just as the last hint of memeness and thus the last hint of Pepe left his system and he went right back to being just a normal voice actor who was shedding tears for how he was about to die.
"ZA WARUDO: ENAEGII DISHIPATION!" You shouted and immediately, both the bubble and the energy Vic was trapped with disappeared, leaving you with a man that was simply at the brink of death collapsed in a heap with the thought of how all his plans failed being present in his mind.
You approach Vic with not anger in your eyes but regret.
"I just wanted to make people happy." Vic cried. "I-I didn't want any of this for anyone. A-And now I'm gonna die here."
"If I had found you earlier? Oh you would've." You said right as you took your final step towards him. "But like I said, I didn't come here with hatred for the man." With that final word, you took a Senzu Bean out of your pocket and you flick it into your mouth and chew it a little bit with Vic looking up slightly disgusted.
"What are you doing?" Vic asked.
"Giving you a Senzu Bean." You say right as you lean down and give it to him baby-bird style for what was the very last time. After a few seconds of keeping your lips locked with his, you pulled away and watched as Vic stood still for a few moments before suddenly leaping up with newfound strength.
"What the... why the... why would you do that?" Vic asked.
"I came to beat you, not kill you." You reply as you set a hand on his shoulders and two fingers on your forehead. "Plus, I feel it's only fair that you face legitimate punishment for your crimes." Vic barely had time to say anything more when you whisked him away via Instant Transmission.

... Ragyo looks around. At the chaos. Honnouji Academy was in complete hell. "What... oh, so..." Ragyo isn't even as mad as she would be at this sight, because... she feels... so fucking terrified.

Jason climbs out of the Lake, shaking like a terrified puppy. He's going to retreat to hell for a bit to regain his composure, after... BONG. The word in his head even makes him flinch.

The teacher looks at her students. "Class, I'd..." She sighs. "I'd like to apologize for that. I... I don't even know what that was."
Her students were all shaking as well. Their eyes were wide and some of them were even crying.

CJ looks around the Grove for any lingering signs of poopclap or whatever the hell he kept hearing in his head.
"CJ..." A familiar voice calls to CJ, now far weaker.
CJ slowly turns around and kneels down to the ground, where he sees... Big Smoke beginning to fade away. "Ay, CJ, make sure you wish me back with them Dragon Balls!"
"Smoke? Why are you fadin' away? Shit, man, look, you may be a meme, but you ain't a bongsmoka!"
"I know homie but dat's da sin committed by Pepe." Smoke said. "Bitch-nigga tied all memes to his physical body, meanin' I got no choice but to die."
CJ begins to frown. "What...?
"Don' worry CJ." Smoke said with a smile. "Y'all can bring me back. I know y'all can and I trust y'all will because we Grove fo' life!"
"Shit."
"CJ, make sure you wish me back with them Dragon Balls!"
"Ah shit..."
Smoke then disappears into thin air.

You reappear with Vic in tow and are relieved to see that Tremorton didn't just go up in smoke. What you were not expecting to see was Beerus just sitting in a corner all the while grumbling to himself like he was a child on time-out.
"She punched me in the nose... and she took my job!" He says to himself.
"I warned you that would happen once you brought up the 'if you think you're so good' argument." Whis said. "Honestly, sometimes there's just no helping you."
"I can't believe she said 'Okay, boomer!' to me! I AM NOT A BOOMER! I AM THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD!"
You just can't help but laugh to yourself. Just the idea of Hilda calling Beerus, the Go-erm former God of Destruction, a "boomer" was too funny to not laugh at.
"HEY, YOU! DICKTEAM!" Beerus shouts.
"... You're not under the influence of"-
"YEAH I DON'T CARE! I DON'T HAVE TO BE PROPER ANYMORE! LAUGH AT ME AGAIN AND I WILL"-
Whis neckchops him; he falls unconscious.
"So uncivilized." Whis said. "Anyways, now I'm gonna go tend to my lord seeing as how... well you know."
You let out a chuckle... then you realize you're being left with the unconscious Beerus. "Wait Whis, you sure that's a good idea?"
"Ohoho, oh you shouldn't have anything to worry about!" Whis replied. "With his title stripped, Beerus can't use the Hakai or any move like that. Now you just have to make sure he doesn't fire a giant energy ball at the planet in a fit of rage which I'm sure you can manage." You didn't really know how to respond to that other than just giving a small meek nod."Good luck!" He says and then leaves.
"I guess I'll have to take him with me then." You think as you pick Beerus up but not before you take a glance at Vic who's trying to sneak away.
"And where do you think you're going Mr. Mignogna?" You ask.
He gulps and says "I-I'm just going to go let my family know the situation." He says before attempting to run off.
You immediately reach out and just grab Vic by his shirt. "I'll let them know personally." You say. "As for you? Hmm... let's see." You lightly stroke your chin with your free hand for a few moments before then smirking when a particularly fun idea came to mind. "Actually I've got a good job for you." Vic couldn't help but gulp at the sight of your smirk.
You immediately pick up the unconscious former God of Destruction and lightly toss him to Vic. "Don't drop him now."
"Wha..." Vic let out, confused and afraid.
"Now if you'll excuse me? I'm gonna visit someone." You say before then Instant Transmissioning away.
You feel a little bad for Vic who was left with the former God of Destruction in his arms as he tries to figure out what to do but then again, with all that he put you through it might do him so good to get an earful by someone he indirectly affected.

"... Is that fine with you, my lord?" Whis asks Hilda.
"It is fine." Hilda says. Whis uses his staff to slow her age down. "I apologize for being too tense for this to work earlier."
Hilda looks at Whis. "Oh, and I give people, god or mortal, permission to not use honorifics when speaking to me and/or about me."
"Oh no worries, Beerus was always more of the stickler for that sort of thing anyway. Though I do appreciate you telling me." Whis said. "Also there's no need to apologize for being tense. I mean you don't just go into a day arguing with a God of Destruction who's acting too big for their britches and then wind up with their job. Actually the kind of day you went through in general is very uncommon."
You suddenly appear in front of Hilda. "Yo!" You say.
"Dakteam!" Hilda walks over to you. "Did you just copy Goku's"-
The sound of another Instant Transmission is heard. "Yo Lord Beerus! Thank you for helping me find... wait, uh... Lord Beerus? Huh, guess he isn't here."
"Oh he isn't here." Whis said. "In fact, he's never gonna be here again actually. He's not the God of Destruction anymore."
"What? But how did that happen?"
"It's kind of a funny story." Whis replied "Well, where is he?"
"I left him with Vic." You reply.
Hilda is surprised. "You know, if he messes that up, goodbye Earth?"
"Oh I wouldn't worry about that too much." Whis said. "With how much energy Beerus spent just throwing a tantrum, I bet you he's going to go right back to sleep after he gets up."
"Plus, it's not like it'd be that hard to get Beerus to calm down." You say. "Just get him a pizza and he'll be fine."
"I'm not sure if I should be glad that the Vic stuff is done, or be very concerned for the future of the planet." Hilda replied.
"This is awesome!" Goku exclaimed. "I not only get to train with L-duh I mean Beerus anytime I want but I also get to visit a God of Destruction that won't get pissed off if I look at them funny!"
"Wow." Whis began. "You really are into your training now aren't you?" Goku just let out a little giggle. As you look at the scene in front of you, you also let out a chuckle before then turning towards Hilda.
"I really dig the new duds." You say. "They suit you well."
"They're just part of the job; I don't really care much. It's a 'work uniform'. Wait, since this is a job", she turns to Whis, "would this count on a résumé? I don't mean to be facetious; I'm genuinely curious."
"Well considering what the world has recently dealt with, I'd almost say you could put 'bongsmoker destroyer' on your resume and they'd allow you in." Whis replied with a chuckle. "But on a serious note, I think it'd count. Especially if I show up with you."
You kept your warm smile for a few moments but then it turned into a small frown as you turn towards Hilda. "Sorry for leaving on my own." You said. "Especially after we made so much progress on how I should accept help from others, I realized that was most likely a great big insult to all that effort."
"It's fine." Hilda replied. "You didn't want to get caught up in that altercation. He called me a 'bibba' during the fight, so that was something you missed, at least."
You don't know why but just the thought of Beerus saying "bibba" caused you to break out into a light chuckle that soon turned into a huge burst of laughter.
"Bibba?" Goku asked. "What does 'bibba' mean?"
You kept laughing for quite a while before finally calming down. Then you realized Goku just said that word and you started laughing again. The laughter being so hard you ended up falling on your back.
Goku just shrugged right as he turned to Hilda. "Anyways so Lord Hilda..."
You stop laughing. "Wait Lord?" Immediately the realization hits you that you might've been acting way too rude and so you move to being down at your knees with your hands clasped together. "Oh my goodness I'm so sorry!"
Whis couldn't help but chuckle at the sight before him.
"I did say to Whis that I accept non-formal titles." Hilda said.
You immediately let out a sigh of relief.
"Okay then. So Hilda now that you're a God of Destruction, would you uh... be fine with sparring sessions with me?" Goku asked.
"Do you just want to spar with me because I have a fancy title?"
"Uh... kinda." Goku said. "Though really I've wanted to spar with you ever since you jumped into my battle with Dakteam because man are you strong!"
"I... would." Hilda says, completely confused. "I will also be training with Saitama here, I think."
"Oh... EVEN MORE AWESOME!" Goku exclaimed.
Suddenly, someone Instant Transmissions in. "Kakarot, I can't find the damn frog bastard so I was wondering if..." Vegeta then notices Hilda's new outfit. "Wait, what happened?! Oh uh, I mean Lord Hilda, what exactly hap-"
"It's okay Vegeta. She said she accepts non-formal titles." Goku said, prompting Vegeta to pause in place.
You let out a light chuckle. "I can explain that."
"Oh you can, can you?" Vegeta said. "Well then spit it out."
You then begin to explain everything that happened, from you arriving at a very Exegol-looking Konami HQ to you defeating Vic.
"What?" Vegeta asked flatly. "That doesn't even sound real."
"Whis, may I request something?" Hilda asks.
"Sure thing." Whis says.
"That the Dragon Balls be brought here, to this location, so that I may make a wish?"
"Absolutely." Whis replies before disappearing and then reappearing almost immediately afterward with the Dragon Balls as requested.
"Shenron, I would like to make a wish."
The balls pulse and glow with a beautiful radiant energy and then in a few seconds, a massive ray of light appears from the balls and materializes as the Eternal Dragon, Shenron.
"For the last damn time, I will not 'tibbie' any 'bibbies'! Go awa-oh uh, ahem... You have gathered the seven Dragon Balls, please state your first wish."
"I wish for everyone with the exception of the Bongsmokers to be revived."
Shenron's eyes glow as he grants the wish. "It is done. Now what is your second wish?"
"Revive Quigley."
"Very well it has been done." Shenron said. "Now what is your final wish?"
"Bring Quigley here."
Shenron's eyes glow as he accepts the request.
Quigley suddenly manifests in the area.
"All wishes have been granted." Shenron said. "Farewell."
Then he and the Dragon Balls disappear.
Quigley looks up. "Alright you nibbers... wait, where are my meem powers?"
"Gone." You say. "They left when Pepe was extinguished."
"Wait, Pepe's been yeeted?"
You nod.
"Ah fuck! No Pepe, no meems! God damn it! Well, I guess I'll just have to use my own latent"-
Hilda picks him up using her mind. "Actually, I have a job for you: community service for the destruction that you, the Vic stans, and the Bongsmokers caused, or I'll destroy your laboratory and therefore all of your life's work."
Quigley thinks for a second about denying the request and 'just taking on these nibbers himself'... and then realizes how stupid that would be and decides to listen to Hilda.
"You win this round nibba." Quigley replies.
"I'll take him down to Earth." Goku says as he sets a hand on Quigley's shoulder.
Quigley looks up at him. "Y-You? Why would I want to be touched by monkey-nibba hands?"
Goku just ignores him as he uses Instant Transmission.
You then look at Hilda. "I should probably get going too." You say. "After all there's at least a few people I want to see again."
"Whis, may I go with him?" You can feel her anxiousness.
"Well I don't see any problem with that. Under one condition though." Whis said. "Please bring up something absolutely scrumptious when you return here."
Hilda looks at him. "... I'll be sure to find something."
Whis's face lit up. "I'll hold you to that." He said with a smile.
Hilda walks over to you.
You look over at Whis just as you raise two fingers to your forehead.
"See ya later Whis!" You say with a wave.
"See ya soon!" He says with a nod.
You teleport away.
As you materialize, you see King Kai screaming in the direction of his house which appears to have thick plumes of smoke pouring out of it.
"FOR THE LAST TIME I TOLD YOU KIDS DON'T SMOKE IN THERE!" He screamed.
"Hey King Kai!" You shout as you run towards him.
He turns around and sees you running up to him. "Oh it's you! I see everythiAAGH! OH MY GOODNESS!" You look puzzled for a moment and then see that the friendly Kai had caught a glimpse of Hilda's new outfit.
"Now hold on King Kai, everything's fine. Hilda's not going to destroy you, she's not that kind of Destroyer God." You say.
King Kai immediately stops freaking out. "Really?"
"Yeah, she's definitely not as bad as Beerus."
"Please don't speak for me." Hilda says to you. "I won't destroy you." She then says to King Kai.
You sheepishly look at Hilda. "Heheh, sorry."
"Well that's good." King Kai replied. "My goodness a lot happened on Earth!"
"Oh you don't know the half of it."
"Hey, that voice!" Brad called out from inside the house. "Hey Tuck, Dakteam's back!"
You hear the sound of glass shattering and before you knew it, Tuck and Brad came running out of the house to meet you.
"What was that glass breaking sound I heard just now?" King Kai asked.
"So did you win against whatever it was?" Brad asked.
"Yep." You said with a nod.
"Who was it you were even fighting anyway?" Tuck asks.
"Weird shit." You just reply. "Some very, VERY weird shit."
As you converse about the day, you all begin to speak about what happened in your absence. The conversation quickly moves from the fight to Hilda's impressive attire to how crazy of a week it was on Earth.
"Wow so you couldn't tell us any of that stuff because otherwise we'd break out in bouts of shouting 'poopclap' and 'bong'?" Brad asked. You nod. "I can't wait to tell my dad about this, he's going to have a field day with this stuff."
You chuckle. "I bet."
You then start looking around. "So where's Jenny around these par-" Suddenly a white and blue robot flies past you chasing after a small monkey.
"Oh shit." You say.
"Watch out!" King Kai shouts.
You quickly turn your head around to see what's going on.
"I've almost got you Bubbles!" You hear Jenny shout. After this you then notice that the pitter-pattering of Bubbles's feet became faster and more frequent.
King Kai lets out a chuckle. "Jenny said she didn't necessarily want to feel like she was doing nothing so she asked if I could find her something to do and this was what I came up with."
You let out a small chuckle as you watch this.
"Alright Jenny." King Kai said. "I think that's enough for now. Go on and see your friend."
Jenny immediately stops flying and touches down near King Kai. "My friend? What do you mean by th-" She pauses once she sees you.
"What's up?" You say with a smile.
She gives a small smile in return, "Not much, what's up?" She then looks towards the "forest". "But I think I might as well go check on the robot."
"Uh you do realize my monkey is real right?" King Kai said.
"Really." Jenny replied. "Then how did he get used to the gravity on the planet? I mean, a baby monkey wouldn't really... survive a night here."
"Monkey's not exactly an Earthling." King Kai replied. "Plus he has been on this planet for awhile."
"No way. He's also named the same like Michael Jackson's monkey which means... wait did you steal the monkey?" Jenny asked with hands on her hips.
"Honestly I just thought it fit his bubbly personality." King Kai replied.
You let out a small chuckle at King Kai's exasperation when Jenny then turned to you.
"So did you deal with the threat we were facing?" You nod.
"Yep. Crisis has been averted."
"Good. Though I'm a little curious, what was even the threat and how did you do that?"
"It was uh... oh wow, when you try to describe it, it's insanely difficult."
"King Kai, may I ask if you have something in your fridge I could bring back for Whis? I can't return without it, otherwise he'll... I don't know." Hilda asks.
"He traveled to Konami's HQ and took down Vic Mignogna!" Tuck shouted. Jenny looked completely dumbfounded.
"The voice actor?" She asks.
"Like I said, it's very difficult to describe."
"Uh, I have parfait." He replies. "Half-eaten parfait."
King Kai then feels his face going red. "I would've had a full parfait if it weren't for TWO NINCOMPOOPS RAIDING MY FRIDGE WITHOUT ASKING!" He screamed right as he turned towards Brad and Tuck.
Tuck shrugs. "It was good parfait, though."
"Yes, it was...", King Kai agrees, "... Because it was supposed to be used as a bribe for LORD BEERUS!"
King Kai lets out a sigh of frustration and is silent for a few moments when a lightbulb then went off in his head. "Oh wait hold on a second!" He then rushed to his garage and started rummaging through it.
After a couple minutes of searching, he rushed outside while letting out happy laughter.
King Kai handed Hilda a pie. "I just remembered that I have a second fridge in the garage that I use to hide food from Goku. Will this do?"
"That will do." Hilda replies. "I'm not leaving yet though, I just wanted to know if I had something to make good on that deal with Whis."
"Hmm, well in my experience. Whis always had it as a suggestion rather than a rule. He only made it a rule with Beerus apparently because it was the only way to get a break from him or at least that's what Goku tells me Whis told him."
King Kai feels a thought come to mind. "Actually come to think of it, how did you get the job?"
"A fight." Hilda says. "He was upset for some reason after I'd left for a second and was sidetracked by something important, so instead of handling the situation rationally he appeared in the middle of something and acted so brusquely that I didn't even get a chance to explain before it escalated. He took on an attitude of... well, he was a god, but... a 'holier-than-thou' attitude, even though the whole situation was unpredictable. I would have apologized for my mistake if he'd just expressed regular disappointment or just had not said anything at all."
"Yeah he was always a stubborn one." King Kai replied.
"Oh and Hilda called Beerus a boomer during that whole argument." You said. Jenny just stood staring at you with very wide-open eyes and a face full of shock at just everything you've told her so far, especially when it came to the parts about a rainbow-haired woman having an absolute fit and a gangster going "Super Busta".
"Wait a second, you called Beerus a boomer?!" King Kai asked.
"Yes, I did." Hilda says, smiling, almost laughing. "He... didn't like being called a 'boomer'."
"No doubt!" King Kai exclaimed. "Beerus often killed people for saying way less about him and yet here you are standing here with his job and you've gotten away with calling him that! I have to say Hilda, if it wasn't for the stuff I've been through? I probably would've told you to pinch me because I would've been certain that I was dreaming."
"D-Did that really happen?" Jenny asked. You nod. "How did you... stay sane?"
"Honestly I don't know though I have to guess, the fight with the Grinch had something to do with it." You say casually.
"Wait a minute, the Grinch?" King Kai asked. You nodded and tell him an abridged version of both your first and second encounters with the Mean One.
"That... sounds horrifying." King Kai said. You nod.
"No kidding." You reply. "If it wasn't for Saitama? No one would've been able to get out of that one."
Hilda shrugs. "Or I would've shown up eventually. Maybe. I think I was on vacation with my Mum."
"There's just one question I have though." King Kai says.
"What's that?" You ask.
"How come you couldn't use Instant Transmission all that well?" King Kai asks you. "I mean it's not that hard to use at all."
That took you a little aback.
"Oh! Uh... well... see... I just didn't focus enough." You say sheepishly.
King Kai stares at you in disbelief. "You've got to be kidding me."
"Not joking, that's it." You say.
"I mean, I've seen Goku, a total dum-dum use it at will dozens of times without even trying. How was this a move you couldn't grasp?"
"Oh that's not the only move I couldn't grasp." You say. "For instance there was this one time I attempted a Tatsumaki Senpukyaku and sent myself into a stone."
"WHAT?!" King Kai says in disbelief. You just sigh and tell him the story of how you continuously tried various techniques that kept failing in the most ridiculous ways.
"And on top of all this. I asked Goku and Shrek to come at me at the same time with their full power which went about as well as you'd expect." You explain.
"Did you just say Shrek?" King Kai asks flatly.
You nod.
"The ogre that lives in that swamp?" King Kai says just as flatly.
"Yeah, it turned out he had a secret Ogrelord form." King Kai was at first a bit dumbfounded but then he chuckled.
"Oh that guy!" King Kai said. "I remember him. He was the original God of Destruction before Beerus."
"I know with what I've been through it sounds weird to say but I swear you're just making that up for a laugh." You say.
King Kai shakes his head. "Oh I'm being serious. Besides I wouldn't make a joke that obviously ridiculous, I have a reputation to uphold as a comedy master you know."
"But yeah, Shrek preceded Beerus when it came to that title." King Kai went on. "He only traded the position in when he got bored of it. But more importantly, you seem to have survived a lot despite being incredibly stupid."
"Well Goku's stupid and he still survives through a lot." You reply.
"True but Goku's got the fighting smarts to back it up. You were stupid when it came to just about everything it sounds like."
You felt your cheeks immediately become red with embarrassment. "I um... well that is..."
King Kai laughing. "Don't worry about it God of Clumsiness, it's funny. Best laugh I've had all day in fact!"
"... Well I'm glad I could brighten your day." You say sheepishly.
"I especially needed it after a certain pair of knuckleheads TRASHED MY HOUSE!" King Kai shouted looking back at Brad and Tuck once again.
Hilda walks out with a pie. "I duplicated the pie." She says.
"Oh that's quite alright." King Kai said, before then realizing what just happened. "Wait how did you do that?"
"I practiced it the same as I practice telekinesis: by focusing on the object, but instead of moving it, my goal is to duplicate it."
"Hmm... oh yeah! I believe Goku learned that once." King Kai said. "Never really bothered to use it on very many other occasions though which is typical."
"I didn't know Goku knew telekinesis."
"Oh yeah he learned it and he used it a grand total of once and that was to get a Senzu Bean after a hard training session during his long trip to Namek." King Kai said.
Hilda realizes that she could've wished the HQ back. "... Let's go gather the Dragon Balls quickly." She turns to you. "I sometimes forget what I am capable of doing because I don't usually have to use what I've learned."
You look at Hilda. "If you don't mind I'd actually like to sit this one out." You say. "Just everything has been so eventful between all the meme shit and just everything else that I'd like to just relax."
Hilda Instant Transmissions away to find the Dragon Balls... and you're now alone on King Kai's planet, with your passable but still scary Instant Transmission skills.
Afterwards, you just let a smile develop on your face.
'Thanks Hilda.' You say telepathically right before you then faceplant.
'... Did you just say, 'Fucks bourbon?'' She telepathically asks you in your sleep, which sends your dream into a WEIRD spiral.
THE END