Just a little reminder: this is a modern day version of Naruto, and everybody here is the exact same age as their Shippudden counterparts.
Also: sorry if this VERY random story is lacking in details and shit. It's been an absolute hassle to get this done, especially with my unexpected hiatus.
Love it, hate it, I don't give a fuck.
9:03 AM
A beautiful sunrise, clear and vibrant skies, birds tweeting and everything, incessant yelling and pounding...wait a minute. Incessant yelling and pounding? (And before you get any ideas, it's not sex)
Ah yes. In the middle of her damaged and messy office (which looked as if everything inside it got swept by a tornado) at Hokage Mansion, the oh-so-sexy Lady Tsunade was busy choking her secretary with one hand and beating her senseless with the other, leaving her with a bloody nose and plenty of bruises. Tsunade wasn't looking much better herself; given just how plain disheveled she looked (to say nothing of the fact that she was dressed in nothing but a dark green sleeping gown and white nightie). "YOU FUCKING USELESS PIECE OF SHIT! I'M GONNA GIVE YOU AIDS, STDs AND PERIOD CRAMPS LIKE NO TOMORROW!"
"Lady Tsunade, please! I really don't know anything! If I had known I would have told you, I swear to God!" Shizune pleaded, even though she knew deep down that it was in vain. "BUT YOU'RE THE SECRETARY FOR FUCK'S SAKE! YOU SHOULD KNOW EVERYTHING!! YOU SHOULD BE THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEED YOU!" Tsunade retorted.
"You don't honestly expect me to be BOTH your bodyguard AND your secretary at the same time, do you? Because...if I'm being perfectly honest here, I don't think that's how life is supposed to work", Shizune said. Unfortunately, this earned her another punch to the face; she saw it coming but she still felt the need to make a point.
"ARE YOU BACKCHATTING ME, YOU LITTLE BITCH?!" Tsunade demanded.
"I'm just trying to make a point! Is that really so wrong?" Shizune pleaded again, but this earned her even MORE punches, twice as brutal compared to the previous ones.
"YES! (punch) "IT!" (punch) "IS!" (punch).
Shizune sputtered out blood for a good couple of seconds before Tsunade pulled her uncomfortably close to her own face.
"You're not supposed to make points! You're supposed to kill whoever I tell you to kill! That's what I expect from all of you! But you, on the other hand, are supposed to give me all the sake I want, and overall serve as nothing more than my own personal bitch! In fact, everybody in this neighborhood is my bitch! But you, on the other hand, are a VERY special bitch". Tsunade (quite literally) spat out that last one, and Shizune's face practically had saliva all over.
"Say it! Don't spray it!" Shizune choked out. "SHUT UP BITCH!" Tsunade said, rather appropriately giving Shizune a bitch slap in the process. "As my secretary-slash-bitch, you're supposed to tell me about things that I don't know! It's like Samuel L. Jackson said once: there are known-knowns, and known-unknowns, but there's also unknown-unknowns! Things we don't know that we don't know!"
"You're making a point by quoting the Boondocks? Of all things?" Shizune asked incredulously. "Just now you said that we're not supposed to make points!" Tsunade bitch-slapped Shizune yet again, fed up with all her backtalking. "DON'T PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH! Just do your fucking job, and put all the dickless dogs in the district on high alert! I want you to let me know if there are things I don't know that I don't know! Got it?!"
"Yes Lady Tsunade", Shizune wheezed, on the verge of passing out because of Tsunade's tight-ass grip. Luckily for her, Tsunade had dropped her to the ground. "Good", Tsunade sneered before storming out of the room. Shizune coughed and coughed, taking deep but labored breaths with a hand placed on her chest.
9:31 AM
Naruto, Anko, Tenten, Guy, Lee, Sakura, Sasuke and Ino all stood anxiously in the wrecked office as Tsunade paced around the room, huffing and puffing. Shizune stood by the desk, trying her best to maintain a stoic expression. Guy and Lee were both wearing green sports tracksuits; Sakura, Sasuke and Ino were respectively wearing red, dark blue and purple tracksuits; and Naruto and Anko were dressed in plain orange and dark purple pyjamas, respectively. They couldn't be bothered to get changed.
"Whoa!" Naruto exclaimed, "Talk about a hot mess". "I think it's much fucking worse than that", Anko added.
"I was talking about Shizune", Naruto clarified, which earned him a glare from the woman in question. "Seriously Naruto? You think I'm a hot mess? Take a look around you! My face is NOTHING compared to this!"
"She's right, ya fuckin' idiot", Anko growled, punctuating the word "idiot" with a good ol' bonk on Naruto's head. "HEY!" Naruto yelled as he clutched his head tightly with bitch tears in his eyes. "I'm not a fuckin idiot!"
"But you ARE an idiot, Naruto", Sakura groaned with an eyeroll. "Yeah, only a real idiot would be in denial", Ino added. She smirked when Naruto had nothing to say to that, but was instead foaming at the mouth and growling like an animal.
"But seriously though, Shizune. You look like you've had a rough night or something", Anko said.
"You have NO fucking idea", Shizune said in a low tone laced with knee-deep anger.
"Shizune's gonna have a REALLY hard time cleaning this up", Guy frowned.
"Indeed! It is SO very very unyouthful to force her to clean up all of this!" Lee complained.
Shizune made an "Awww" face as she placed a hand on her chest, touched by Guy and Lee's empathy...but it didn't last.
"Of course she has to clean it. She's Tsunade's bitch, remember?" Ino pointed out. What little happiness Shizune had in that moment had instantly evaporated. "I am nobody's bitch, you fucking Sasuke-loving slut!"
"I ain't no slut, you single-ass bitch!" Ino roared.
"You're single too!" Shizune spat back.
"I'm not single-ass! I've fucked LOADS AND LOADS of guys! But in the end, my heart belongs to Sasuke and Sasuke alone!"
"Sasuke belongs to ME, Ino-pig! Sasuke's got no room for your bitch-ass!" Sakura exclaimed, before softening her tone when directing her gaze towards the object of her eternal affection, not paying much attention to the fact Ino was giving her the stink eye, complete with huffing and puffing and steam coming out of both her nostrils and ears. "Ain't that right, Sasuke?" she added with a sultry tone whilst batting her eyelashes.
"Heh", Shizune scoffed, "I honestly can't imagine anybody who would willingly fuck you, you blonde pig-slut. And same goes for you, you flat-ass, Billboard Brow Bitch. Both of you are fucking skank-ass bitches". Tenten gasped loudly with both hands covering her mouth, while everybody else (sans Sasuke of course) loudly went "Ohhhhhh" at the roast.
Sakura and Ino would have shot Shizune dead on the spot, if Tsunade hadn't finished pacing and slammed her hands down on the desk. Even if they all had tough guy faces, the group all flinched (sans Sasuke of course) (or in the case of Guy, Lee, Anko and Naruto, yelped in fright).
"Everybody listen up! This is a matter of life and death! And where is that fuck, Kakashi?! HE IS ALWAYS! LATE!" Tsunade bellowed.
And in that moment, Kakashi just casually barged in with usual lazy-ass look. "Yo!" he said nonchalantly...and Tsunade shot him in the balls with a .44 Magnum revolver. "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!" Tsuande demanded.
Kakashi tumbled to the ground as he tightly latched onto his balls, passing out from a combination of pain and shock.
"Anyways, I called you here because as you can see, somebody attacked me last night", Tsunade said. "But WHO could possibly have the balls to act such a perfect figure of youth and beauty?!" Guy demanded dramatically. "FUCK YES! Lady Tsunade's youth must be preserved no matter the cost!" Lee added.
"The fucking perverts are at it again", Sakura deadpanned.
"Guy and Lee have a point. Whoever jumped me in the middle of night has got a mighty big set of fucking balls. It won't do them any favors once said fucking balls get bitten off, chewed and FUCKING ROASTED ON A FUCKING BARBECUE!" And with that, Guy, Lee and Naruto subconsciously gripped their balls and yelped in fright at the thought. Kakashi sighed, Tenten facepalmed, and both Sakura and Ino rolled their eyes. Sasuke...just stood there with his eyes closed and arms folded as fuckin' usual. "But what if the person or...people...who attacked were women? What will you do to them?" Anko asked with a raised hand. Shizune gave Anko an EPIC "WTF?" face in response.
"Are you seriously asking that kind of question?" Ino asked in befuddlement. "She has a point guys", Tenten shrugged. "Tenten, don't fucking indulge her!" Sakura exclaimed with a blush. "I wanna know too", Naruto whined. "See guys! Naruto wants to know too", Anko added. "Stay the fuck out outta this, you fucking weirdo!" Sakura screeched. "You and Anko are motherfucking pervs!" Ino added.
"BITCHES! WE'RE GOING OFF FUCKING TOPIC HERE!" Tsunade screamed, catching everyone's attention.
"Anyone who brings me their balls or vaginas will get an ¥18 million reward". Naturally, everybody's jaws dropped (except Sasuke obviously). "18 million, huh? Sounds like a good deal. I'll take it", Sasuke said.
"If Sasuke's taking anything, then so am I!" both Sakura and Ino said simultaneously. The second they realized this, they growled intensely at each other.
"Does that include dick if he happens to get raped in prison?" Shizune asked with a raised eyebrow; both Sakura and Ino had shut down completely when they heard that.
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT! 18 MILLION?! DO YOU KNOW MOW MUCH RAMEN I CAN BUY WITH ALL OF THAT?!" Naruto yelled, unable to contain his excitement at all. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH DANGO I CAN BUY WITH ALL OF THAT?!" Anko yelled back. Both Naruto and Anko jumped around, whooping and screaming non-stop.
"This will provide sufficient funding for our pro-youth campaign!" Lee cheered. "We're probably gonna need a lot more than that, but hey: 18 million is WAY better than nothing!" Guy added optimistically.
"While we're on the topic of money, our payments are overdue. Again", Tenten butted in.
"You'll get paid the day you get fucking laid!" Tsunade barked.
"Geez, it was just a question. Because we ALL need the money!" Tenten said defensively.
"I need the money as well", Sasuke added. Sakura and Ino had both gasped dramatically at this.
"But Sasuke! This is no way that someone as amazing and sexy as you could ever go bankrupt!" Sakura whined.
"My account's running dry. It happens", Sasuke shrugged.
"I'll make sure you become rich again, Sasuke! I don't want to see you becoming dirt poor like Billboard Bitch Brow over here!" Ino exclaimed. "Don't gripe about my forehead, you fucking pig!" Sakura cried.
An idea suddenly popped into Tenten's mind, symbolized by a loud gasp. "While we're STILL on the topic of payments, did you ever think about the possibility that the person who did this was angry about not getting paid?"
"Well that gets the motive out of the way", Kakashi said. "YOU MAKE AN EXCELLENT POINT, MY ETERNAL RIVAL!" Guy bellowed. "So the culprit is one of our own", Lee mused. "One of our own?! Who the fuck would dare to fuck with me?!" Tsunade demanded, slamming both hands down on her desk as she did so. "It wasn't me,'' Ino replied. Everybody else subsequently denied their involvement. "But what if it was Naruto and Anko?" Ino asked. The two subjects of her question both let out a big "WHAT?!", which was loud enough to make everyone in the room flinch (except Sasuke of course).
"Guys. They may be stupid, but they're not THAT stupid", Sasuke replied coolly. "So wise…" Sakura and Ino both cooed with pink hearts in their eyes. Naruto and Anko grumbled as they both gave Sasuke the middle finger.
"Anybody notice that Hinata and Jiraiya are nowhere to be seen?" Kakashi asked blankly. "I noticed that too. It's strange, even for them", Tenten wondered. "Hinata! I'm calling it! It was Hinata!" Ino exclaimed, jumping up and down; it was almost an adorable sight.
"Guys, Hinata wouldn't even harm a flea. She's more submissive than anything. And even if that wasn't the case, what reason would she have for doing this?" Tenten pointed out. "Tenten is right. Hinata is COMPLETELY out of the equation. She is TRULY a SHINING example of what every youth must be. SO. SO. YOUTHFUL!" Lee exclaimed.
"I really hope Hinata is okay", Shizune said worriedly with folded arms. "Why are you worried, Shizzy?" Anko asked with a sly smirk. "You wanna fuck the little bitch?" "A-A-Anko?!" Tenten asked with a dark blush. "Why are YOU blushing, Tenten?" Anko asked, her sly smirk growing ever wider. "Did you wanna fuck Hinata as well?"
"Anko, leave me alone, leave her alone, and shut the fuck up!" Shizune exclaimed. Shockingly, Anko did not retort in anyway, instead folding her arms and pouting like a little kid.
"What if Jiraiya did it?" Naruto wondered. "You know how crazy he is about Tsunade. He wouldn't dream of ruining her "perfect figure"", Kakashi responded. "YOU MAKE AN EXCELLENT POINT YET AGAIN, MY LONGTIME RIVAL!" Guy bellowed. "Dirty as he is, even Jiraiya wouldn't dream of ruining Lady Tsunade's perfect figure of youth and beauty!" Lee added.
"If you wanna know who did it, why don't you check the surveillance cameras?" Anko asked. "Said cameras were destroyed", Naruto replied as he gestured to the busted cameras. "Convenient", Shizune rolled her eyes.
"Stole the words right outta my mouth, Shizzy", Kakashi said.
"Whoever did this had to have been professionals", Lee mused. "If they really WERE professional, then Tsunade would've been dead, and the office would've been squeaky clean. If I didn't know any better, I'd say we're dealing with amateurs", Sasuke mused.
"Yeah! Like Naruto and Anko!" Sakura exclaimed. "Who are you calling a fucking amateur?!" Anko demanded with fire in her eyes, but Sakura ignored her.
"Subtlety is critical. Every good assassin knows that", Sasuke says. "And these two are anything but subtle", Ino added, "Plus it makes for some REALLY great gossip material".
"For the last motherfucking time!" Naruto cried in frustration. "WE! DIDN'T! FUCKING! DO! SHIIIIIIITTT!"
"Yeah, you fucking Billboard Brow bitch! Do you wanna fucking die?!" Anko screamed while brandishing a Desert Eagle from her jacket. Lee leapt into Guy's arms for protection, Tenten took more than a few steps, and Shizune and Kakashi both stood there, looking completely and utterly bored.
"Anko, please don't kill Sakura-chan", Naruto pleaded.
"Yeah, because if you kill her, who's gonna be my bitch?" Ino pleaded while trying not to burst into laughter.
"If you kill me, or at least TRY to kill me, Sasuke will kick your motherfucking ass!" Sakura exclaimed confidently. "Isn't that right, Sasuke?" Sasuke only grunted in response.
"Trust me, Sasuke. You wouldn't wanna risk your life for a forehead like that", Ino said with a sly smirk. "STOP BEING SO UNYOUTHFUL INO!" Guy and Lee proclaimed at the same time. "I don't think ANYBODY would risk their life for you, you fucking shit!" Anko growled as she cocked the chamber on her Desert Eagle. "I'm surprised that Anko agrees", Shizune added, genuinely surprised. "I would, Sakura-chan! I would die for you anyday!" Naruto butted in. "Nobody fucking asked you, bitch!" Sakura screeched.
Before the argument could carry on, everybody in the room (except Kakashi and Sasuke) ducked from a hailstorm of bullets fired in their direction. Said hailstorm of bullets was fired by a machine gun-toting-Tsunade.
"God, can't all of you calm down just for five minutes?!" Shizune demanded. "That includes YOU too, madame", she continued, pointing a finger at Tsunade. She gets shot in the left shoulder for her troubles, which causes everybody (except Sasuke. AGAIN) to jump in fright. To Shizune's credit however, all she does is grimace despite the searing pain. "Ow".
"If you motherfuckers are done flirting with each other, then I SUGGEST HAT YOU GET THE FUCKING FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING OFFICE AND FIND THE MOTHERFUCKING SHITSTAINS WHO HAD THE NERVE TO FUCKING FUCK WITH ME!" Tsunade bellowed. And with that, as well as an unspoken death threat looming over all of their heads, the group left the office in a literal flash.
Tsunade grabbed Shizune by the neck (for the SECOND time today) with her machine gun aimed directly at her face. "Go get that shoulder looked at. Disparage me again and I'll shove my gun all the way into your vagina and pull the trigger nonstop!" Tsunade yelled before roughly tossing Shizune to the floor. Tightly gripping her bleeding shoulder, Shizune stormed out of the office.
"Fucking bitch…"
10:39 AM
Naruto and Anko are walking through an empty corner of the streets, hunched over with arms hanging limply by their sides and their facial expressions being one of absolute boredom.
"This is absolute bullshiiiitttt!" Naruto whined.
"You don't say", Anko muttered sarcastically.
"We should get a car! I hate walking!" Naruto whined again, which made Anko roll her eyes.
"We would be able to get a fucking car if it weren't for the fact that you kept blowing all your fucking money on that fucking ramen".
"You aren't exactly any fucking better when it comes to dango, missy!" Naruto spat out with indignation.
"Maybe not, but at least I have some measure of self-control".
"Pfft. Yeah. Keyword being 'some'", Naruto grumbled; Anko gave him the finger in response.
"While we're on the topic of fucking money, I am just sick to death of busting my ass for that fucking grandma without getting paid", Naruto said, "We've been moving up and down the neighborhood for an hour, and made so many phone calls to Jiraiya and Hinata without either of them responding. I'm fucking calling it: Jiraiya did something, and Hinata is a fucking victim".
"The evidence is fucking circumstantial. If you can even call it evidence", Anko pointed out.
"I doubt the others have found something too", Naruto said.
"Except for Sasuke", Anko said with a hint of playfulness. A slight smirk formed on her face knowing it would rile Naruto up.
"Of course that bastard is doing better than everybody else! He is SO fucking perfect, which HE FUCKING ISN'T!"
Anko chuckled at Naruto's angry face, steam blowing out of both his eyes.
"But still: just the fact that SOMEBODY tried to assassinate! Lady Tsunade! Honestly, who would have the balls to do that?!" Anko exclaimed. "I'd do anything to get ramen, but I wouldn't dare to cross that blonde hag to do it", Naruto said.
"We've crossed her many, MANY times, kiddo", Anko said with an eyeroll. "But NEVER on this level!" Naruto spat back.
The duo stopped walking once they spotted an absolutely wrecked police car smoking like crazy.
"Holy shit", Naruto said.
"Vin Diesel would be proud, man", Anko said, just as shocked.
Naruto and Anko rushed towards the wrecked car to see who was inside of it; needless to say, they wee shocked.
"HINATA?!" Naruto exclaimed so loudly that Anko flinched. "Holy fucking shit!"
The duo opened the door and dragged the unconscious HInata out of the car, gently laying her down on the ground. "Beautiful as always…" Naruto whispered as she caressed her face...and then Anko bonked him on the head with her fist. "Don't be a fucking perv!" Anko yelled. "If I was a fucking perv, I would have undressed her! Besides, that's motherfucking Jiraiya's job! And that certainly sounds like something YOU would do, considering how you dress!" Naruto spat back. Before Anko could lunge at the blonde brat and strangle the life out of him, the two of them were interrupted by Hinata murmuring as she came to.
"She's wakin' up", Naruto said as she and Anko had helped her get into a comfortable sitting position.
"You alright, Lavender?" Anko asked gruffly. "My head...hurts...s-s-so d-d-dizzy", Hinata replied as she put a hand on her forehead, trying to ease the dizziness and pain. "W-w-w-w-what happened?"
"You tell me, brat", Anko replied. "I don't r-r-remember. I r-r-really don't", Hinata replied meekly. "I think you need to sleep it off. Let's get you back to HQ", Naruto said. "HQ?" Anko asked incredulously. "We're assassins, not the fucking JSDF!"
"Who says that HQ has to be a military-exclusive term?!" Naruto asked angrily.
A dark red truck slowly came up on the trio. Hinata flinched and closed her eyes, while Naruto and Anko took out their Desert Eagles and aimed them at the truck. They lowered their guns once they saw who the driver was.
"JIRAIYA?!" Naruto, Anko and Hinata all yelled simultaneously.
"Kept you waiting, huh?" Jiraiya said with a wink and a smirk.
"What in the fucking name of motherfucking fuck is going on here?!" Anko demanded. "I'll explain everything later, sugar. Now are you gonna stand there gawking at my sexy face and are you gonna get in here so that you and I can know each other better?" Jiraiya said flirtatiously. "I'm really not comfortable about this", Hinata said as she wrapped her arms around herself. "You got a better fucking idea?" Naruto asked with a raised eyebrow. "No…" Hinata replied. She climbed into the backseat of the truck, and so did Anko, while Naruto chose to ride shotgun.
10:55 AM
Jiraiya's truck was parked in a parking garage. Naruto, Anko and Hinata all waited anxiously for what Jiraiya had to say. Well, anxious in Hinata's case, and rightfully so. Naruto and Anko were fuming, and they were REALLY not in the mood to hear what this pervert had to say. Naruto spoke up first. "Before you tell us your side of the plot, we'll tell you ours. Someone attacked Lady Tsunade last night, and nobody had heard from you since then. You're basically the prime suspect".
"Can't blame Missus Tits for that. I am a VERY bad boy after all", Jiraiya smirked.
"D-d-did you do it?" Hinata asked.
"I cannot confirm or deny that information without the secretary's approval", Jiraiya replied cheekily. This caused Naruto to roll his eyes with a groan, and a red vein to pop up on Anko's forehead. "Listen, dipshit! You better spill the beans because I'm not in the mood of any of your fucking foreplay!" Ano cried as she pulled out her Desert Eagle and pointed it at Jiraiya's forehead.
"Eh", Jiraiya shrugged, "Your vagina's dry as a desert anyway". Naruto held Anko back in a Full Nelson just as she was about to pull the trigger. Hinata stepped forward with arms wrapped around herself. "Mr. Jiraiya, sir. We just want to know where were you and what you doing. Please tell us. Just enough to satisfy us".
"See that, kids?" Jiraiya snarked, directing his gaze at Naruto and Anko. "Learn to say please".
"JUST GET TO THE MOTHERFUCKING POINT ALREADY!" Naruto and Anko screamed simultaneously.
Jiraiya groaned loudly in response. "Alright, fine! Tch, you guys are no fun".
"I just came from robbing a bank, but the thing is...there was NO money to rob. All that was in the vault was this".
Jiraiya pulled out a big green gift box. "That was in his ass, wasn't it?" Naruto asked in disgust.
"It probably was", Anko said in disgust.
"I can't tell you what's in this box, but what I can tell you is that it's important to Tsunade, AND it doesn't belong to me", Jiraiya said.
"Who would go through the trouble of locking a present box in a vault just for that bitch?" Anko wondered with a raised eyebrow. "Who cares?" Naruto shrugged, "We might as well drop the bomb on her in person".
"You can't be fucking serious", Anko asked incredulously. "She told us to FIND her would-be assassin. Not go snooping in her private shit. Do you have any idea what that bitch will do to us once we show her this? Because I certainly don't know, and I don't think I WANT to know either!"
"I'm pretty sure that Sasuke has found something by now, so we've got nothin' to worry about", Naruto said, again with nonchalance. "But it's still too risky!" Hinata exclaimed.
"Trust me, ladies and gentleMAN. It's totally worth a shot", Jiraiya proclaimed confidently.
After a few moments of contemplation, Anko came to a decision...but reluctantly, given her disgruntled sigh.
"Fuck it, let's do it. As long as we get paid. A lot. I don't care about what we get paid in, and I don't care how".
"FUCK YEAH!" Naruto whooped.
"Glad to see that you're onboard with this, kids!" Jiraiya exclaimed with a toothy smile and a badass armfold.
"Don't ruin his fucking fun", Anko groaned with an eyeroll.
"I-I'm onboard too", Hinata said, much to everyone's shock.
"Sorry, but we don't have room for pussies. Besides, you're rich enough as it is", Anko said.
"I am devoted to this cause to the very end. No matter what I have to do", Hinata said with her usual meekness. "It also wouldn't be fair if I didn't lend a helping hand to you guys".
Naruto and Anko would NEVER admit it out loud, but they were touched by Hintata's willingness to commit to this. To commit to them. The blush on her face and the way she was shyly twirling her left leg made it even more adorable.
"We might as well let the others know about this and tell them to regroup at the mansion", Naruto said. "But if we post that shit, Tsunade is bound to see the message. And it's NOT gonna be pretty",
"T-t-t-try messaging them...i-i-i-individually", Hinata suggested.
"Why didn't I think of that earlier?" Naruto wondered aloud. "Because you're fucking stupid", Anko said with an eyeroll.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, BITCH!" Naruto screeched; Anko, Hinata and Jiraiya all flinched at how loud he was.
11:20 AM
Jiraiya's red truck had parked just outside the Hokage Mansion, as well as two other cars:
a pink convertible with Sasuke, Sakura and Ino
a dark green convertible with Guy, Lee, Kakashi and Tenten
Everybody had stepped out of their vehicles, curiosity written all over their faces...or in the case of Sasuke, pure stoicism as usual...and in the case of Sakura and Ino, impatience and frustration.
"Alright, dumbass. The fuck did you call us here for?" Sakura demanded.
"Take it easy Sakura, it's just Naruto", Tenten sighed.
"Exactly! It's motherfucking Naruto!" Sakura replied, to which Tenten sighed again. "Hey, what's wrong with me?!" Naruto demanded indignantly. "Literally fucking everything", Anko deadpanned. Naruto and Tenten both gawked at that. "Why thank you, Anko", Sakura said sweetly in a sing-song voice. "You're welcome, Sakura-chan", Anko replied in the exact same tone.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking snake-bitch?!" Naruto screeched.
"Literally fucking nothing", Anko replied with a smirk.
"Can't you guys just stop insulting each other already?!" Tenten exclaimed. "Me, Guy, Lee and Kakashi have been searching for clues all morning. We've found a few dead bodies but I don't know how it connects to all of this. When you sent us private messages, I was hoping that you would have some kind of breakthrough. But instead, it looks like you called us here to play bystander to another one of your pissing contests!"
"Yeah, what a waste of fucking time", Sakura growled. "You're one to fuckin' talk", Ino scoffed. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Ino-pig?" Sakura demanded with a red vein popping on her forehead. "You're the one who was wasting time by taking Sasuke on a ride all around the city!" Ino replied, unaware of the implications in her statement. "YOU HAD CAR-SEX WITH SASUKE!?" Naruto screeched. "SAKURA-CHAN, HOW COULD YOU?!"
Anko groaned with a facepalm, while Sakura and Ino were blushing crimson red.
"Dammit, Naruto, that's not what she meant!" Tenten said in frustration. "And besides, I don't think you guys are old enough to have sex", Guy added with fists on his hips. "Are you serious, right now?" Tenten asked with a raised eyebrow of disbelief.
"He does have a point", Kakashi shrugged. His nonchalance made Tenten sputter incoherently, at a complete loss for the idiocy surrounding her. "WELL SAID MY ETERNAL RIVAL!" Guy bellowed. "YEAH, WHAT GUY SAID! YOU SHOULD BE ONE OF US!" Lee added. "No thanks. Green is the color of jealousy", Kakashi replied coolly. Guy and Lee both went on their knees and cried, with tears squirting out of their eyes like waterfalls.
"HEY!"
Everybody turned their attention to Jiraiya, who had exited the truck. He really wanted to make a dramatic reveal, but one that got ruined by the group's constant bickering. "We have VERY Important matters to attend to!"
"JIRAIYA?!" Guy, Lee, Tenten, Sakura and Ino all asked in bewilderment.
"That's my name, don't wear it out!" Jiraiya smirked with a wink. "It's already BEEN worn out, considering that we've been putting up with your shit for so long", Anko snarked. "Whatever, skank", Jiraiya said indifferently, resulting in Anko kicking him in the dick. Hinata stepped out of the truck too, being her usual shy self. "H-hey everyone".
"HINATA?!" Guy, Lee, Tenten, Sakura, Ino AND Naruto all asked in bewilderment.
"Wait a minute, why are you saying her name?" Anko asked. "I forgot that she was in the truck", Naruto shrugged; Anko kicked him in the dick for it.
"Okay, what the fucking fuck is going on?" Sakura asked.
11:33 AM
Naruto, Anko, Guy, Lee, Tenten, Kakashi, Sakura, Ino, Sasuke, Hinata and Jiraiya all barged into Tsunade's office...and were all perplexed when they saw Tsunade about to make out with a handsome-ass businessman dressed in a white and blue suit. But said suit was all messy and ruffled up; he also had long blue hair and teal eyes. Their attempted makeout was interrupted by the sound of the...barge-in.
"Talk about a cockblock", Naruto quipped.
"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING BITCHES DOING HERE?!" Tsunade demanded. "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING SOMETHING?!"
"Don't you mean in the middle of fucking someone?" Kakashi asked with a raised eyebrow.
"More like ABOUT to fuck someone", Tenten added.
"Thank God THAT didn't happen", Jiraiya sighed in relief.
"JIRAIYA?!" Tsunade and the blue-haired man asked in bewilderment.
"That's my name. Don't-"
"Shut the fuck up! You've been yapping your pervy-ass mouth nonstop!" Ino yelled.
"JIRAIYA AIN'T NO PERV, HO! HE'S A MOTHERFUCKING LEGEND!" Jiraiya bellowed.
"The hell's with all this yelling?" Shizune woozily asked as she got up from behind Tsunade's desk, rubbing her head. "And what are you guys doing here?"
"What were YOU doing behind that desk?" Naruto asked.
"She's behind that desk about she wanted to see us fuck!" Tsunade replied. "She turned around and even put on earbuds, but I didn't trust the fucking bitch!"
"You literally could've just told me to leave and I would have left", Shizune groaned with an eyeroll.
"Yeah, but there was no telling whether or not you would want to come the fuck back to have a fucking peek!" Tsunade cried.
"I am NOT, repeat NOT, a pervert!" Shizune retorted. "If anyone's a pervert, it's that wrinkly-ass fucking cunt over there!" she cried, pointing to Jiraiya as she did so. Jiraiya opened his mouth to retort, but Shizune wouldn't let him have it.
"And if you say you're not a pervert, I'll blow your fucking balls off".
Jiraiya grabbed his balls as he whimpered in fear.
"If it weren't for YOU, and YOUR ramen-loving ass, and YOUR dango-loving ass, this two-timing scumbag wouldn't be in the office about to make out with my so-called boss!" Shizune exclaimed. The blue-haired man opened his mouth to retort, but Shizune wouldn't let him have it.
"And if you say you're NOT a two-timing scumbag, I will blow your balls and shove them up your ass, while said balls are strapped to dynamite!"
The blue-haired man subconsciously gripped onto his balls with one hand, and his ass with the other.
"Now you know how it feels like, Danny boy", Jiraiya said with a perverted chuckle.
"Put a sock in it, old man", the man, called Dan, retorted.
"You two know each other?" Guy asked.
"Unfortunately", Jiraiya grumbled.
"Hold up, hold up, hold up!" Naruto cried with arms waving about. "Shizune, what do I have to do with this? What does Anko have to do with this?"
"And don't forget me! What do I have to do with this?" Jiraiya demanded.
"You can stop playing pretend, old man! You, Naruto and Anko had everything to do with this! Last night, I was just following the script but you three clowns went in and fucked it up!" Shizune exclaimed.
Everybody had one hell of a realization.
Hinata: "Oh my gosh…"
Tenten: "I don't believe this…"
Guy and Lee: "So unyoutfhul…"
Jiraiya: "Sorry about last night..."
Naruto and Anko: "What the fuck…?"
Dan: "Damn, gurl…"
Tsunade: "..."
"There WAS an assassination attempt last night", Shizune continued with closed eyes.
"But Tsunade wasn't the target. The target was Dan. After finishing my work for the day, I found out that the neighborhood would be getting a new shipment of ramen and dango, supplied by Dan himself. Having placed a tracker on him from one of our...shall we say...earlier encounters...I got to where he was, and I was ready to snipe the bastard right there. Unfortunately but predictably, Naruto and Anko got in the way cause they wanted to hijack said shipment. I was gonna switch from bullets to tranqs to make sure they didn't fuck anything up, but...Jiraiya was there too. Care to explain yourself Jiraiya?"
Jiraiya got REALLY nervous about that one, especially when all eyes in the room were directed at him. He was about to come up with an excuse, but the ice-cold glare on Shizune's face looked like she would live up to her earlier threat of shooting his balls off if he did that, possibly even worse. So he swallowed his pride and placed himself in the middle of the room.
"I was there with Naruto and Anko because I despised Dan", Jiraiya replied proudly.
"Why?" Ino couldn't help but ask.
"Because he stole Tsunade from me, that's why", Jiraiya growled in response, and Ino flinched appropriately. "During the hijacking, I basically blackmailed Naruto and Anko into helping me kidnap Dan. They refused, and so I burnt all of the ramen and dango there".
Naruto and Anko gasped overdramatically. "Whoa, I get they're not the most obedient guys around, but don't you think that was a bit much?" Guy asked in shock. "Nope", Jiraiya replied simply.
"Remind me to kill him when this is over", Anko whispered to Naruto.
"You got yourself a fucking deal", Naruto whispered back.
"Forget the ramen and dango; I'm more concerned about the fact that Tsunade, of ALL people, had...or has...a fucking boyfriend!" Tenten exclaimed in shock.
"WHAT?!" everybody (except Sasuke, Shizune, Tsunade, Jiraiya and Tenten) yelled.
"Yeah, weren't you guys paying attention to Jiraiya just now?" Tenten asked in disbelief. "He said that Dan 'stole' Tsunade from her". "I was so shocked by everything I heard that I forgot about that one little tidbit", Ino replied.
"AS I WAS SAYING!" Jiraiya cried. "Me, Naruto and Anko captured Dan, we took him to some undisclosed location and…"
"YOU WERE PLANNING TO RAPE HIM?!" Guy and Lee cried out simultaneously.
"AS I WAS FUCKING SAYING!" Jiraiya bellowed.
"You remember the box that I showed all of you when we were going inside?"
"You mean the one that you keep in your ass?" Kakashi asked.
"We were torturing him so we could find said box!" Jiraiya replied. "Torture?" Hinata gasped. "Why the heck would you do such a thing?" "Gurl, it's what we do in a business like this!" Anko replied. Dan gasped in a very girly way. "So YOU guys were the ones torturing me last night!" "How the fuck could you not know who it was?" Tsunade demanded. "Tsunade, I had a fucking bag over my head! How WAS I supposed to know?"
"I didn't just wanna get back at Dan, I wanted to get back at Tsunade too! Madame Tits treated me the same way Christian Grey treated Ana Steele in Fifty Shades!" Jiraiya cried. "So not ONLY does Tsunade have a boyfriend, but she's also into BDSM?!" Tenten asked in disbelief. "WHAT?!" Tsunade cried with a dark blush. "Of course not! I meant that she treated me more like a servant than a boyfriend!" Jiraiya replied angrily. "She does that to EVERYONE! What made you think you were an exception?! That just because you were in a romantic relationship it would make things different?! No, that just gives her power over you if she didn't have that already!" Shizune exclaimed.
"Oh yes", Tsunade smirked, "I quite enjoyed making you my bitch, you fucking pervert".
Shizune butted in at that moment, directing her attention to Naruto, Anko and Jiraiya. "And because you dipshits just HAD to be there, I followed you to your so-called undisclosed location, and I explained everything to you. Then you decided to publicize Tsunade and Dan's relationship by sneaking into her office in the dead of night when you could have easily done that on, I don't know...Twitter? You could've just taken her phone, uploaded some photos and shit, and snuck right back out. However, you had the ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT idea to get high on drugs to celebrate. You either injured or killed a number of bystanders and/or cops. You wouldn't stop making these weird noises and then when you got to the computer, you pissed and shat all over it thinking it was a toilet. The noise attracted Tsunade, and then you beat the absolute shit out of her, thinking that she was some sort of cocaine monster! And then you ran off into the night like the FUCKING RETARDS THAT YOU ARE!"
"Holy. Fucking. Shit", Kakashi said in astonishment. "You said it, my eternal rival", Guy said, equally astonished. Everybody else was at a loss for words. Naruto and Anko especially. "B-b-but how come we don't remember any of that shit?" Naruto asked.
"One of the drugs you took was roofies, you fucking idiots. And one of the side effects of roofies is memory loss", Shizune replied. "Oh…" Anko said, blushing deeply. "But if we were fucking things up, then why didn't you try and stop us?!" Naruto asked again. Shizune chuckled bitterly before responding. "Oh believe me, Naruto, I tried...but you're hopeless. You, Anko AND Jiraiya! While you guys were causing chaos, I went back to the so-called undisclosed location to finish off Dan, but he escaped. If it weren't for your stupid drugs, I wouldn't have had to cover for your asses like I did! I spent all night looking for Dan, and then when I couldn't, I just decided to call it a fucking day and sleep".
Tsunade had harshly grabbed Shizune by her shoulder, growling like a wild animal. "You said that you didn't fucking know anything!" "I took sleeping pills! Having to put up with you for so long practically makes them a necessity! I genuinely didn't know, or shall we say, remember what had happened until it all came back to me! Besides, this isn't exactly my fault because I didn't think they'd fucking beat you up! And you would have killed me if I told you that I tried to assassinate your ex!" Shizune responded. "I'm about ready to fucking kill you, right now!" Tsunade shouted back. "If Naruto and Anko were interrupting last night's assassination, then how come you didn't stop them?" Sasuke asked. "I tried! I tranquilized them for God's sake! But apparently, their craving for ramen and dango was so strong that they pretty much resisted the tranquilization effects and suddenly developed a sense of smell specifically catered towards that stuff! That's how they found the shipment!"
"Whoa! That is some fucked-up logic right there, missy!" Sakura exclaimed. "Preach!" Ino added.
"U-um, e-excuse me…" Hinata said meekly. "How do I factor into all of this?"
"Naruto, Anko and Jiraiya lured you to the so-called undisclosed location. They hooked you on the drugs and told you to go wild and have fun. Unfortunately, said drugs were mixed with a crapton of sugar. And I gotta say, you were on one HELL of a sugar rush. While you were wreaking havoc on the streets, these three decided to sneak in. You even stole a police car, thinking it was some kind of pony or unicorn or something. You ran over a whole BUNCH of people, and it didn't seem like you'd be stopping anytime soon so I thought it would be best to wait until you crashed", Shizune replied.
Hinata looked at Naruto and Anko with pure disbelief. "W-w-what the fudge?"
"While I was INDEED higher than the clouds, I had enough clarity of mind to place trackers on Naruto and Anko. So that once I woke up, I could revise my revenge plan and continue where I left off", Jiraiya said proudly.
"So that explains how you suddenly found us out of nowhere", Anko said.
"Exactly", Jiraiya said with a wink, which made Anko stick her tongue out in disgust.
"If you supposedly placed trackers on these guys, then how come we can't see them?" Kakashi asked.
"My eternal rival has a point. Perhaps they could be mini-trackers?" Guy mused whilst stroking his chin.
"Nope!" Jiraiya gleefully denied. "Said trackers were planted in the anus!" Naturally, everybody (except Sasuke and Kakashi) was grossed out, some of them even looked like they wanted to puke. Screaming in terror, Naruto and Anko immediately tried to dig into their buttholes, but luckily, Guy and Lee held each of them in a Full Nelson, even if they were thrashing about nonstop.
"I take it you did the same to Dan, Shizune?" Tenten asked, very much dreading the answer.
Shizune closed her eyes and tightly gritted her teeth, before answering with a VERY reluctant "Yes". Tenten's cheeks became puffed up with vomit, and she tightly gripped her mouth to hold it in.
"I wasn't expecting Dan to come back here, saying he wanted to make things 'right' with Tsunade or something. Of course, he never told her about what he went through last night out of self-preservation", Shizune continued. "YOU VIOLATED MY DANNY BOY?!" Tsunade screeched, trying to attack Shizune while Dan held her back. "You're one to talk, bitch", Shizune sneered, "The ONLY reason why you were in a relationship with this guy was for sex and money!"
The last word in that sentence was what had gotten everybody's interests truly piqued. "Money?" everybody asked all at once (yes, EVEN SASUKE, but in his usual stoicism). "Tsunade's broke as fuck! Why else do you think she hardly pays any of us, huh?" Shizune replied, and everybody's jaws dropped to the ground with their eyes bulging out of their sockets (except Sasuke of course). "B-b-but s-she always said that she's been having problems with her bank account and stuff!" Hinata exclaimed. "Well that's because she HAD no bank account to speak of! Dan agreed to sort out her financial problems as long as they fucked 24/7!" Tsunade had shut down completely, with widened eyes and shrunken-ass pupils. Upon noticing that Tsunade had shut down, Dan let go of her and backed away.
"Oh my golly gosh! That's so fudging gross!" Hinata cried.
"I ON THE OTHER HAND!" Jiraiya interrupted with fists on his hips, "DATED TSUNADE FOR LOVE! FOR HONOR! FOR GLORY!"
"You wrinkly asshole! You only dated Tsunade for sex too!" Shizune cried, absolutely fed up with Jiraiya's bullshit. "Honestly, how the relationship even started, much less lasted as long as it did, is a complete fucking mystery! And unlike Dan, YOU never even got to first base!"
Sans Sasuke, the entire group (even Dan) let out a collective "Ohhhh!" at the roast in response.
"As for YOU, Dan…" Shizune said, roughly grabbing Dan by his shirt with both hands and bringing him up to her face. Dan sweated under her furious gaze. "As for me…?"
"I made it very clear, on the night your so-called relationship with Tsunade ended, that I would fucking kill you if I ever saw you here again! For you to straight-up ignore that warning means that you've either got balls or you're a total fucking idiot".
"I wanted to start over! That's why I came back for her!" Dan exclaimed, but Shizune rolled her eyes at that, and Jiraiya facepalmed. But on the other hand, Sakura, Ino, Tenten, Anko and Hinata all went "Awww". Naruto just looked at Shizune with a "WTF?" face.
"S-so beautiful", Lee said as tears went down his face. "It's more than just sex. It's true love", Guy said, having been reduced to a blubbering mess by Dan's statement. Even Tsunade seemed to snap out of her stupor from hearing that…
But the universe had other plans…
"I mean those glorious, gigantic boobies?! Absolutely no man can resist those, no matter how hard he tries! I couldn't even do it!" Dan bellowed, almost shamelessly. Jiraiya was practically fuming right now, and everybody else deflated. "Okay, so maybe it might NOT be true love after all", Tenten shrugged. "It never was, Tenten", Naruto said. "How the hell would YOU know that?" Ino asked childishly. Jiraiya interrupted Naruto before he could retort.
"The gift box that I have with me right now has a special credit card containing ¥500 million".
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" everybody else screamed (or "WHAT THE FUDGE?!" in the case of Hinata). Sasuke didn't say anything (AS FUCKIN' USUAL). He did, however, widen his eyes, however slightly.
"MOTHRFUCKING ¥500 MILLION?!" Tsunade asked.
"I was gonna give it to Tsunade so that she would get the fuck off my back! The woman is a heartless, domineering bitch" Dan cried, only to get bitch-slapped across the face by Shizune before she pulled him even closer to her face.
"You happen to be a heartless, domineering bitch yourself, motherfucker! It's no secret that Tsunade treats everybody like crap, and considering you do the exact same thing to everybody you know, ESPECIALLY me, it's no wonder that you two are fucking made for each other! And when you left, Tsunade was PISSED because she lost her only source of income, who, at the time, had NO intention of coming back! She figured that if she could steal your money instead, she wouldn't need YOU anymore!"
Everybody gasped loudly at the revelation (except Sasuke).
"OH FUCK ME!" Tsunade screamed in frustration. "How's that feel, bitch?" Jiraiya taunted with a smirk.
"So I guess that explains why I've been dealing with so many assassination attempts for God knows how long", Dan deadpanned. "But if we didn't get here in time, and this so-called relationship carried on, then would Tsunade still be trying to kill him?" Naruto asked, desperately trying to make sense of the situation. "Probably, but she was conflicted", Shizune replied.
"So maybe there IS true love in this relationship after all!" Ino chirped.
"Don't push your luck, Ino. Don't push your luck", Sakura droned, and Ino pouted with folded arms.
"Even if she got the money and Dan died, she would be missing his dick. And even if he didn't return, she was probably gonna track him down and force him to have sex with her for the rest of their lives! And that's assuming that she doesn't get bored of Dan and murders him!" Shizune exclaimed. "Even if she does, it would be totally worth it!" Dan whooped with joy.
"Damn, son! I wanna fuck Tsunade as much as you do, but I don't see it as something worth getting killed over!" Jiraiya exclaimed with disgust, appropriately scrunching his eyebrows in a grimace.
"And how many times have you nearly gotten yourself killed simply being in Tsunade's general vicinity?" Kakashi asked with a raised eyebrow. "Way too many times, my eternal rival", Guy replied, "Way too many times". "You're SO-SO unyouthful Jiraiya!" Lee added. "Preach!" Ino exclaimed.
"You fudging monster!" a distraught Hinata cried. "All of you are monsters! How could you be so cruel and horrible to each other?! How could you be so cruel and horrible to us?! Your own employees?!"
"If there's anyone who's cruel and horrible here, it's Dan!" Jiraiya defended with a childish pout. "Stop. With. The. Fucking. Bullshit", Shizune said through gritted teeth. "Publicly posting her so-called relationship with Dan on the Internet is just too much! I mean, granted, you wanted to make her pay for how abusive she was towards you, but still! You even had Naruto, Anko and Hinata roped into this shit! ESPECIALLY Hinata because you had the gall to use her as a scapegoat! You put people's lives at risk for something as small as this?!" Lee cried in outrage; the outrage further increased when Jiraiya just scoffed in response.
"I may not know much about you, and you be may super fucking hot, but fuck, man! Dan! Ugh! Dan the Man! This whole story about your transactional sexcapades with Tsunade is BEYOND fucked up!" Ino cried.
Tenten gave her two cents as well. "Tsunade, I honestly don't believe this! We've been busting our asses for you for God knows how long without a fucking yen to any of our names! I mean, what was the point of sending us out on all those contracts if you were never planning on giving us the compensation that we deserve?! And I don't even wanna know what you were gonna do if someone somehow caught wind of this! Not that I'm siding with Dan, but he was willing to pay you off and call it a day with this transactional relationship! But you just wanted more; you just wanted to make him into your plaything! And if you got your hands on his wealth, that would give you an even stronger hold over us!"
"THAT"S MOTHERFUCKING GOOD!" Tsunade screeched so loudly that everybody reflexively flinched and blocked their ears. Shizune had it the worst since she was the closest to Tsunade and Dan. Hell, even SASUKE reacted (more mildly than the others, but still). "IT"S MOTHERFUCKING IMPORTANT THAT I HAVE ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKING BITCHES ON A MOTHERFUCKING LEASH SO THAT MOTHERFUCKING SHIT LIKE THIS DOESN'T MOTHERFUCKING HAPPEN ON A REGULAR MOTHERFUCKING BASIS! LIKE MY USELESS-ASS FUCKING SECRETARY TRYING TO FUCKIN' MURDER MY ONLY SOURCE OF INCOME AND PLEASURE!"
"Damn, gurl!" Dan complained, shaking his head to get the ringing out of his ears. "I don't remember you being this loud the last time I was fucking your brains out!" "I was WAY louder when Tsunade LOVINGLY shoved that dildo into my buttcheeks! I usually don't go that way, but damn if it wasn't enjoyable!" Shizune buried her face into her hands and screamed in disgust. Everybody else was more reserved, but disgusted nonetheless. Jiraiya gave Dan one of the nastiest glares you could ever imagine. Tsunade was blushing redder than a tomato, and at a complete loss for words. "Okay, we didn't need to fuckin' know that, you disgusting sons of bitches!" Naruto exclaimed angrily. "I don't fucking believe this, but I'm actually with Naruto on this one! ALL OF YOU ARE SO FUCKING GROSS!" Sakura added.
"Yeah, Danny Boy!" Anko sneered with blatant mockery in her voice. "I can TOTALLY understand why Shizune wanted you dead". "Shizune?" Hinata inquired. "Yeah, Hinata?" Shizune asked after finally removing her hands from her face. "What you had to deal with regarding our salaries and Tsunade and Dan being together...it's basically like domestic abuse, right? Which also meant that you couldn't say anything lest you risked your life, right?" Hinata continued with her question. "Pretty much", Shizune replied with a sigh. Hinata placed a hand on her chest and went "Awwww. My heart goes out to you". Shizune kept a stoic face, but she did nod briskly at Hinata's soothing words. "Appreciate it".
"I'm actually on Shizune's side this time", Naruto said, "As much as that sucks ASS".
"Fuck you, Naruto", Shizune deadpanned.
"It's official", Guy stated in disappointment. "Jiraiya, Dan and Lady Tsunade are all shitty people who do NOT deserve a chance at happiness, and all of them are in the wrong about this situation! Truly, and I frickin mean TRULY, one of the most, if not THE most, UNBELIEVABLY UNYOUTHFUL THINGS I'VE EVER HAD TO DEAL WITH IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!"
"So it's a lose-lose then", Anko shrugged, "No one to root for in this crappy-ass love triangle".
"Shizune is involved, so that technically makes it a love square!" Ino exclaimed. Shizune growled at Ino's statement with a dark blush. "As stupid as that sounds, Naruto has a point", Sakura droned with a sweatdrop. "But Shizune was not romantically involved with either of the three, which technically makes her a fourth wheel too!" Ino added. "Yeah! Exactly!" Naruto pointed out. Guy, Lee, Tenten, Anko, Kakashi, Tsunade, Sakura, Jiraiya and Dan all groaned at Naruto and Ino's stupidity. "I swear, you two blondes are fucking made for each other…" Sakura said.
"So…?" Kakashi asked, slowly making a shrugging gesture. "So what, bitch?" Anko demanded.
"What happens now?" Kakashi asked again.
"Yeah, what happens now?" Hinata asked with a finger on her lip in thought.
"Since Tsunade screwed all of us over, shouldn't we like…? I don't know? Start working freelance now?" Naruto suggested. Everybody got frightened once again when Tsunade started yelling...again.
"NO! I AM YOUR MOTHERFUCKING BOSS AND YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FUCKING LEAVE! I WILL FUCKING BUST A CAP IN ALL OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASSES, AND THEN I WILL REMOVE YOUR PRIVATE PARTS AND FORCE YOU TO EAT THEM WHILE THEY ARE DIPPED IN FUCKING HOT SAUCE, RIP THEM OUT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING BUTHOLES, AND USE SAID FUCKING PRIVATE PARTS TO STAB YOU IN THE FUCKING EYEBALLS!"
"Some of us are women here, so how exactly are you going to do that since we've got vaginas?!" Anko demanded.
"IS THIS REALLY THE FUCKING TIME?!" Tsunade demanded. "Yeah, snake bitch! I mean really?!" Jiraiya demanded.
"We've haven't been paid in months, dammit! And the credit card that Jiraiya has right now is a paycheck for all of us! I say kill these three motherbitches, deposit the credit card, and split it between the nine of us!" Naruto screamed. "You and I can share it, Sasuke!" Sakura cried, latching onto Sasuke's arm like a lifeline. "You can share it with me too!" Ino chirped, hugging Sasuke's other arm. "Get off him, Ino-pig bitch! Sasuke doesn't do threesomes!" Sakura cried. "How the fuck do you know that he doesn't?! Maybe he does! Or maybe he prefers blondes!" Ino yelled back.
Tsunade's laughs caught the group's attention. Said laughs sounded truly maniacal. "Do you cunts SERIOUSLY believe you can kill me?! YOU WOULDN'T EVEN FUCKIN' DARE TO KILL ME!" she exclaimed. "Yeah!" Jiraiya butted in. "Ain't no way am I letting anything happen to those glorious boobies!" "I won't let anything happen to them either!" Dan cried. "But only ONE of us can have her after this!" Jiraiya spat back. "And that's assuming she's not into threesomes!"
Shizune didn't say anything, but if her marching over to the group was any indication, she was firmly on their side.
"There's ten of us and three of you!" Anko exclaimed. Tsunade just laughed evilly in response, which only made everyone in the vicinity (except Jiraiya and Dan) highly annoyed. "Yeah, and you certainly can't kill me, either!" Jiraiya pointed to himself with a sexy wink. "Y'know, there's a REASON WHY THE LADIES CALL ME JIRAIYA THE UNSTOPPABLE!"
"AND THERE'S A REASON WHY I'M CALLED THE KING OF DICKS!" Dan bellowed.
Having had enough of this bullshit, the group's collective response was to whip out their Desert Eagles and shoot the trio. They gazed upon the bloody, lifeless corpses of Dan, Jiraiya and Tsunade in absolute silence. They directed their gaze towards, being very, VERY unsure of what to do...until Shizune decided to break the silence.
"Well...that was anticlimactic".
THE END