this fic was fueled by starbursts. not sponsored.
"I can't believe he's gone." Maya stood just inside the door of her place, brain fogged over. She could barely remember all of what happened, but she did remember the charred skin around Dean's face and blank expression in his eyes. He was gone the moment he hit the ground. And as much as Maya hated to admit it, maybe that was a good thing. It was better to die fast than slow and painful, giving your loved one's hope and then not making it anyways. Take Andrew, Carina's brother, as an example. Everyone thought he was going to be okay and then all of a sudden, he wasn't. In Andrew's case, he died hunting down the child trafficker after saving a girl's life. Dean had saved Vic's, only to be thrown back in a blast from another gas leak.
It was nearly dark out. Today was supposed to be Carina and Maya's one year wedding anniversary. They had started the day with sex, had more sex even after Carina got dressed, then experienced two explosions, a death and a very somber ride home. Maya thought that their wedding day, the day that she got demoted and hauled ass to the fire chief's office, was a bad day. This one was way worse. If year one brought all the hell raising it did, was Maya and Carina's marriage cut out for forever? Sure they got through the hard stuff, but maybe all they brought was bad luck.
That's not it, a voice inside Maya's head told her. She shook her head vigorously to clear her mind. That was just the crazy talking. It was the "someone just died and I'm thinking of all the worst possibilities" part of her mind. Yeah, that's it.
Just then the door opened, almost hitting Maya. Carina stepped inside with her sweater in one hand and a bag in the other. She looked worn out, hair messier than Maya's, but she looked hot. In any other circumstance, Maya would've told her so. But how damn good her wife looked was the last thing on either of the women's minds. One look at Maya's face made Carina drop everything to the ground so she could wrap Maya in the hug from behind. "Oh, bambina," Carina said, pressing her face into the back of Maya's shoulder as she hugged her. "I'm so sorry."
Maya surprisingly wasn't crying. Maybe it was because the reality of what happened hadn't hit yet. She couldn't really believe that a member of the family that Andy's father had hand picked, was gone. There would never be another Station 19 dinner with him or another friendly punch in the locker room. He would be absent from all the future pictures everyone took, and would never get to help another civilian, a job he was damn good at. She knew she should focus on the good that Dean Miller did do, but somehow none of it mattered. He had died and it was unfair.
Carina and Maya stood there, wrapped in each other and not saying a word. After a while, Carina carefully began to walk towards the bathroom. "Let's get you cleaned up," Carina said, reaching over to turn on the shower. Yet Maya didn't hear Carina's words. She stepped into the shower with her clothes still on, and let the water pour over her head. Carina tried to stop her, but there was no use. Clearly Maya's head was not in the present moment, and Carina couldn't blame her. Dean was family to Maya, and Carina knew all about losing a family member.
Through the pulsing water, Carina heard Maya choke out, "He was too young," before she saw tears form in Maya's eyes. Ignoring the fact that she was also wearing clothes, Carina stepped into the shower after her wife and stared into Maya's impossibly blue eyes that blinked back tears along with water from the shower. "He's gone, he's dead and I'll never get to see him again," Maya cried. All the emotions hit at once, not holding back.
"I'm so sorry bambina," Carina said, placing her hands on Maya's shoulders. "I love you and I'm here for you. You were there for me when Andrew died, and now I'm going to be here for you."
"Okay." Maya threw herself back into Carina's arms. The young Italian woman held onto her wife for dear life, as the water soaked them through.
"It's going to be okay," Carina soothed.
"It should've been me."
"What." Carina turned off the shower immediately. "No, don't say things like that."
"It should've though. I took the other side of the lot with Sullivan because we got there first and chose which place to look into first. If we had picked the other side, that would've been me and Sullivan."
Anger built up underneath Carina's skin. She wanted to scold her wife for saying such things, for thinking that she should've been the one hurt or dead by now. But Carina also knew that these were the types of emotions that ran through your head when someone you love died. These were the types of things you felt, or you asked yourself what you could've done differently to prevent something like this. In truth, there was nothing that could be done. What happened, happened, and everyone just has to move on from there; to pick up the pieces somehow.
Carina grabbed Maya's chin gently, forcing her to look up. "Maya, it wasn't you. You are not the reason Dean Miller died today. No one is. What happened was a fluke second explosion that Beckett tried to radio about but it was too late. You did your job as you should've because you are a brave and heroic firefighter. My wife is a strong and kind woman. She saves lives every day. And that, among many other things, is why I love you."
Standing in sopping wet clothes, a mix of water and tears, Maya whispered, "I didn't save Dean." But she knew that Carina was right. She knew that it wasn't her fault Dean died, or that Station 23's captain got hurt. She just needed someone to blame because the explosion wasn't good enough.
One day she wouldn't blame herself. Just like Carina stopped telling herself she could've done something different on the day Andrew died. It didn't have to be soon, but one day, they would both be okay. Baby steps, baby steps.
...
The sounds of giggling could probably be heard throughout the neighbourhood.
One would think that in a household that had just lost a brother/uncle figure, it would be somber. Talking maybe, crying definitely. Not laughter. Yet inside the Warren household, childish shrieking could be heard throughout.
Bailey sat on the stairs and Ben stood next to the railing. They watched as Joey and Tuck played peek-a-boo with Pru, then took turns chasing her around the sofa in the living room. Joey, who had been around younger kids most of his life, knew just how to make the little girl laugh. Tuck, who hadn't been around babies but was a fast learner, caught on in no time and copied his older brother. Pru just basked in their attention and squealed as they pretended to reach for her and miss every time.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before," Ben began, slanting a glance at his wife.
Bailey sighed. "I know why you didn't. You didn't want to jinx it by telling me. We both never imagined someone like Dean Miller to go like this. Wasn't he the one who was supposed to keep an eye out on our boys if something ever happened to us?"
"One of the many." Ben turned his attention back to the boys playing with their symbolic sister. Dean had come over for dinner many times in the years since Pru had been born, and Bailey always fawned over the little girl. She loved practicing hairstyles on her curls, and having someone to buy cute outfits for. Not that Dean didn't dress that little girl up like a princess, but it was nice for Bailey to have an excuse to look at tiny dresses. Now, Bailey was suddenly to become another parent to the toddler. It
made her feel so many things all at once when she thought about it.
"I was serious about what I said before," said Bailey.
"What part?"
"The part where I don't want to fall in love with this baby, only for her grandparents to take her away from me. Us." The fear was real and valid, especially since Bailey and Ben's own little girl had been taken away from them too soon.
Ben was quiet for a moment. He moved so that he was facing the stairs and took his wife's hands in his own. "Miranda, sometimes life doesn't work out the way we hoped it would. Sometimes people get taken away from us before we're ready to let them go. Other times a missed opportunity flies over our heads that we never even saw coming. But what I do know is that Pru needs a family to love her right now. We can't think about ourselves right now. We have to think about her. The girl who just lost her Daddy, yet doesn't even really know what that means." He glanced over at the boys and the girl, who were tuckered out. They were lying on the couch now, Pru laid out on both Tuck and Joey's laps. The older boys, who knew what had happened, just stared at the wall attempting to process everything and fight the sleep threatening to wash over them. "Here, she is surrounded by people who care about her. She has a home away from home here and I'm sure others from the station are going to want to help out. It won't just be us trying to be the parents of a toddler."
Bailey knew that much. Knew that good people like Andy and Vic would want to spend as much time as they could with Dean's daughter. That's not what she was worried about, though. "But what if her grandparents-"
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," Ben cut in calmly. "Until then, we need to show that girl that she will never be alone even though her mom left her and her dad passed away. I know you, Miranda. You will love that girl to bits and even if it kills you if she leaves, you won't regret loving her for a single second." His words hit deep and rang true. Bailey hated to admit it, but her husband was good with words. If he hadn't become a firefighter after ditching a medical profession, she would almost suggest he become a spokesperson or a lawyer. Not that she was suggesting he switch professions for the third time, but at least those two jobs had very low death rates.
Although there was something about charging into somewhere to save a life. It's what caused Ben's adrenaline rush, he told her once. Bailey understood what he meant because she felt the same way when she was operating in the ER. She had done a lot of hard things there, heartbreaking and painful things. Yet she went in over and over again because she wanted to save a life. Here was a chance to save another life, in a different way, and Bailey knew she would be a good mom to Pru. She would do her absolute best to make sure that girl was instilled with every personality trait her dad possessed. It would never not hurt but what Bailey knew for sure, is that Pruitt Miller would never have to want for love. It would always surround her, from Ben, to the boys, to Andy, to Vic, and to all the other people who had loved Dean. They would love her for him, because it's what families did for each other.
...
When Travis jerked himself awake for the third time, he realized he needed to move. Otherwise he would just keep drifting off, only to hear a beep from one of the machines attached to Vic and his heart would race thinking something was wrong. He had already thought he lost his best friend twice today; he was not about to think it for the third time.
Travis stood up and exited the room. He nodded at Andy as he left, but realized there was no point alerting Theo that he was going for a walk. It went without saying that the two of them were going to be there for Vic until she got discharged from the hospital. It was such a weird situation for Travis to be in because he never expected his former best friend to fall in love with his current best friend. Especially since things were very rocky between Travis and Theo for a long time—and rightfully so. Although in the end it was a good thing, as Vic dating Theo caused the two to reevaluate their relationship and at least were on speaking terms now.
In the hallway, Travis rounded a corner only to almost crash into someone. "Oh Travis, I didn't know you weren't in Vic's room," a surprised Emmett said. He reached out his arms to steady his boyfriend. "I was just coming to ask if you wanted to grab a coffee or something to eat."
"Yeah, sure," Travis nodded. Then he shook his head. Emmett looked at him, confusion lighting up his gaze but then he noticed the tears in Travis' eyes.
"Hey, it's okay," Emmett said. His big blue eyes weren't teary, but his heart hurt. While Emmett hadn't been very close with Dean, he did work with the guy at Station 19 for a while, and also as part of the Crisis One team.
Travis braced his hand on the wall to keep himself up right as he focused on breathing. Doctors and other patients rushed by them, yet all Travis saw was his perfect boyfriend standing there blocking out everything else. Emmett was real and he was there for Travis. "I am still scared even though I'm at the hospital and Vic is okay. You're okay. Is that silly?"
Vigorously, Emmett shook his head. "It wasn't just you who was scared, Travis. I was scared for you and Dean when I saw Vic up there. I was scared for everyone after I heard about the explosion. I'm still jumpy right now, and I came by to see you because I was worried. Fear is a very real thing, and it will take some time to get over. But we'll get through it because you did it twice with Michael and that building fire you talked about. I did it once with my dad about me being gay. There's always something to be afraid of, but it should stop us from living life."
"Right." Travis took a deep breath. Emmett was saying all the right things, and it made Travis calm down just a tiny bit.
Just then, Sullivan walked by wearing regular clothes and a grim expression. When he spotted Travis and Emmett, he doubled back and stopped in front of them. "Do you guys know where Andy is?"
"Vic's room," Travis said immediately. He didn't meet his former-boss' eyes because he wasn't quite ready for Sullivan to see him cry yet. Something about seeing Andy's soon-to-be ex-husband come to the hospital looking for her, made Travis emotional. Even though they were fighting and claimed they didn't want to be together anymore, Sullivan still was going to be there for Andy. They didn't talk about it, but Travis knew Andy didn't think Sullivan loved her anymore. Turns out, she was wrong about that.
"Down the hall to the left," added Emmett, assuming that Sullivan had no idea which room was Vic's.
Sullivan nodded. "Thank you. Also Travis, please tell Vic I'm so sorry about Dean. I know he and I had a workplace-stemmed friendship mostly, but Vic meant the world to him. As you might have imagined."
The waterworks flowed over. Travis couldn't keep it together and he fell forward into Sullivan's broad stature. Sullivan was a bit shocked, but reached out an awkward hand to pat Travis on the back. Emmett didn't know how to reply either. Today was just a mess of everything and it wasn't about to get any easier.
A few seconds later, Travis quickly pulled away from Sullivan. "I'm really sorry about that," Travis sniffed. He fumbled blindly at his side for Emmett's hand. Once Emmett understood, he laced his fingers with Travis' and squeezed.
"It's fine, Montgomery," Sullivan cleared his throat. "I'm going to find Andy now. But let me know if you need anything else. See that he does, Dixon."
Emmett looked up in gratitude for the ex-battalion chief. "Yes sir."
After Travis was sure Sullivan had gone, he groaned loudly despite the tears still on his cheeks. "That man already thinks I'm soft. Crying into his shoulder is something I will never live down."
"Everyone has been through so much today. I'm sure he will forget about it," Emmett patted his boyfriend on the back, attempting to console him. "How is Vic doing?" Emmett asked.
"She's okay. Still out of it and resting.
"I don't know how Vic will be able to do it. Losing Michael broke me, and I can't imagine losing you too." Travis rubbed at his face, looking down.
The grip Emmett had on Travis' shoulders tightened. "You won't lose me, Trav. I'm here for you and I love you," Emmett reassured him. "And we can keep your wedding picture in the bedroom. I don't mind because I know how much he meant to you. But maybe we can just turn it around when we have sex?"
Travis let out a short laugh. He needed to, what with all the other emotions that had washed over him that day. "Sounds good to me. It's just, he was such a big part of who I was. Now, you are."
Emmett nodded understandingly. "I get it."
A comfortable silence washed over them. Soon enough they would go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat, but not yet. For now, it was just Travis and Emmett, standing in a hallway together and focusing on the fact that they were alive. Together. And could see another day. Something they would never take for granted again.
...
Back in Vic's hospital room, Andy still had tears in her eyes. She didn't know how to stop them and she had no idea where all the water was coming from. Her eyes had already leaked so much; how was there anything left in her body? And how was Theo still managing to hold it together on the other side of Vic's bed? If it had been Sullivan lying there, Andy would be worse than she was now, which was saying a lot considering her state of mind at the moment.
Sullivan. The man Andy sometimes didn't know if she loved or hated. Even though he had made her feel so many things in the past year, that didn't mean that she didn't love him anymore. Every bad thought about him only brought up countering good ones. It was like he could never leave her mindspace. Sure Andy had been in love with both Ryan and Jack at some point in her life, but it was her husband that she married and wanted to love forever.
Someone cleared their throat in the doorway. Andy glanced up, expecting it to be a nurse or Travis maybe. Except it was neither of them because Sullivan's tall stature blocked the way. He moved his hand to scratch the back of his neck, feeling a bit awkward.
"Andy," Sullivan whispered.
"Yeah?" She looked at him, tears brimming her clear brown gaze. His heart broke for her and he wanted to just hold her close and tell her everything would be okay. That's what he did when Andy's father died, when they had just gotten married a few weeks beforehand. People might say they rushed it yet Sullivan knew he loved her and that she loved him back. That was all your needed right? Well it was until he went and screwed things up.
Taking two large steps, Sullivan crossed the room to Andy. "Let's go home. You need to get some sleep because you can't be there for Vic when you look like you just fought against an explosion. Cause you did. We all did." He looked sorrowfully over at Theo, clutching Vic's hand as he slept restlessly.
"I can't leave her. We're all she's got left. Dean left her, I don't want her to believe we did too."
"Andy, she knows you didn't leave her. Besides, I saw Travis and Emmett on my way up and Theo's here. Ben and Bailey aren't here because they have Pru; Maya said something about going home for a shower. Which is what you deserve to go home and do too. Then, once you've gotten some sleep we can come back. Ruiz will give you a call if anything happens, won't he?" Sullivan's expression changed, as he looked back over at Theo.
The younger man nodded. "I will."
This seemed to seal the deal for Andy. Reluctantly she stood up and walked over to Theo and gave him a hug. "Call me whenever for whatever reason and I will be back here in a heartbeat."
"Okay." With that, Andy left with Sullivan. It was only Theo and Vic now, and he listened closely to her heart rate monitor. He didn't want it to stop beeping like it had earlier.
Theo had a lot of thoughts running through his head. Besides the fact that he almost lost the girl he loved today, he also couldn't believe the selfless act Dean Miller had done prior to Station 23 arriving. He also couldn't help but think about what Vic said, in terms of Dean's declaration. Did Dean try to confess his love to Vic? What did Vic say? She reacted surprised and slightly confused when she told everyone in the hospital room about it. Theo wondered if she loved Dean back in that way.
That's crazy talking, he scolded himself. Vic loved him and he loved her and just because someone else told her he loved her before his untimely death, it didn't mean anything had to change. Although Vic was wrong about celebrating an anniversary being cursed in her family. They didn't celebrate it, and look where it got them? A hospital room, a stopped heart, an explosion resulting in an injured captain of Theo's station, and the death of a friend and loved one for Station 19. Some one-year anniversary.
Whatever people above that Theo cursed, he knew he couldn't hate them. Because they had to have been the reason that Vic was spared. She survived being electrocuted and her heart stopping. Someone must be watching out for her. If Theo had anything to say about it, maybe it was Michael. Sure, Theo had been a big factor in his death but that didn't mean that the man held a grudge. Michael was always a good friend and Theo always knew he cared deeply about Travis. Maybe Vic staying on Earth with both of them was Michael saying he wanted both to have second chances. Yeah, that was it.
Travis still wasn't back yet and Andy had left for a while. Theo decided to take advantage of the mostly quiet space and moved his chair slightly closer to Vic's bed. He grasped one of her hands in both of his, and pressed his lips to her fingers. "I love you," he whispered.
It didn't matter that Vic wasn't awake and able to respond. Theo's need to tell her what he felt outweighed that. Besides it was unlikely Theo would get another private moment tonight, and who knows what would happen tomorrow. So he took a deep breath, and said, "You're my whole world. Vic, I never knew I could love someone as much as I love you. We, we just fit. In more ways than one despite being at different fire stations. Our sex life if off-the-charts amazing. I-I-I'm so thankful to have you in my life." Tears shone in his eyes but he kept going. "I don't know what I would do if you didn't make it. Is it selfish of me to be thankful it wasn't you? I'm sorry if it is, but I have to think about it. I have to be selfish because I love you too much. And I'm sorry if this is cheesy for our anniversary but screw it, I'm going to be cheesy. I love you Victoria Hughes, and I always will." He brushed away the tears in his eyes, breathing slowly.
Then Theo glanced up at the ceiling to stare at a random panel between the lights. "Thank you to whoever is keeping her heart beating down here for me. And thank you, Dean, for saving her life. She loved you, even if you didn't know it. Thank you for letting her be happy and for saving the girl we both love. One day we will meet in la vida futura. Goodbye my friend."
No matter what, Theo would be there for Vic. He was ready to take on whatever life threw at him because he still had the girl he loved by his side. Whatever came at them, they were ready to take head on because love conquers everything.
...
When they reached home—well Sullivan's home at least as Andy had been couch crashing for the past year—Sullivan unlocked the door and turned on the lights. The place was in the same condition it had been before Andy left, except the addition of a new lamp next to the side coffee table. "Looks clean in here," Andy commented, as she took off her jacket.
"I'm the only one living here, and you know how much of a neat freak I am," was Sullivan's answer.
"Right." Andy didn't know what else to say. She swiped at her eyes, except there were no tears to brush away. She could only imagine what she looked like right now and almost didn't want to find out. "Can I take a shower or at least change my clothes? Do you have a t-shirt I can borrow, and maybe some sweatpants?" The pants would be too long for sure, but at least they would be better than her work attire.
Sullivan nodded. "Yeah. If you want to wait in the bedroom, I'll find some stuff for you to change into."
"Thanks".
Once upstairs, Andy perched on the edge of the bed, unsure what to do. The last time she set foot in this room, she had been shouting at her husband. Exactly a year ago today, actually. She looked down, clearly uncomfortable but didn't want to say anything to Sullivan, especially not after things were still left unsaid between them.
A moment later, Sullivan knocked lightly on the door. "Can I come in?"
"Yeah, it's your bedroom," Andy replied. She wasn't trying to sound rude, just honest.
Sullivan opened the door, a grim look on his face and clothes in his hand. "I know, but it used to be ours." Silence hung in the air, for many seconds. Andy's gaze stayed focused on the floor because she couldn't be trusted to look at her still-husband right now. It was Sullivan who broke the quiet by handing Andy a t-shirt and pair of jeans.
"Where'd you get these?" Andy asked, taking the clothes from him. She was thankful yet confused because she took all of her things when she stormed out on him.
Trying not to look sheepish, Sullivan lifted a shoulder and said, "There were a few things still left over that got mixed into my drawers. I kept them unwashed for the better part of the first six months, because they still smelled like you. Then I told myself that was stupid, and I washed them. Besides, they had already lost your scent at that point."
That was that. That was what Andy needed to hear, the tipping point of which she knew she needed to say something. Sullivan was giving her a perfect opening to say what she needed to say. And Andy wanted to go for it. So she took a deep breath and started to say, "Sullivan, I mean Robert, I-"
"Don't do this now Andy. Not after what we all witnessed today. Not after the family member we all lost," Sullivan cut in. He wasn't being mean, he just simply didn't want Andy to tell him something she didn't mean, something that she was only saying because of what had happened.
Andy shook her head. "No, it's because we lost a family member today, this is the right time." She looked up, her eyes staring right into her husband's chocolate brown ones. Sure the probie called him Fire Zaddy, but Andy called him Robert. She called him Robert when she said "I do", she called him Robert when he rocked her whole world during sex and during daily life. She called him Robert when she was mad as hell at him, but still loved him. "Today at the firestation, I called you my husband. To the new probie, who's name I already forgot. I called you my husband to a practical stranger. I haven't done that in a very long time. But as soon as those words left my mouth, I knew I wanted to keep saying them. I knew I wanted to say them for the rest of my life. It wasn't you I was angry at, well at least it wasn't you entirely as I was angry at myself and my untimely transfer. Because I don't want to be done being married to you, Robert. I love you. I will always love you. And for Dean's sake, as we all knew he loved Vic but never got the chance to tell her, I'm telling you now. I don't want to wait another minute or another day because sometimes you don't get that chance."
Sullivan didn't know what to say. He had let Andy go; had given her the signed divorce papers as he never wanted to hold her back from happiness. He never wanted to hurt her, to make her feel trapped in a marriage unable to love again because of what he did. He thought he was doing the right thing. Maya almost said the words that letting her go would be what was best for her. It never occurred to him that Andy might not ever be happy without him.
Today had been a lot. Too many hard things and too much heartache. Someone who was going to do good in the world—who had already done good—had died. Someone that was leaving behind a daughter, who had already been abandoned by her mother. Sullivan knew that Andy could barely hold it together because she saw so much of herself in Pru's situation. All he wanted to do was hold his wife, the woman he was still married to because love always brought them back.
So Sullivan said the only thing he knew would get the point across. "I don't want to be done being married to you either. Andy Herrera, you are my wife and the only love I have ever known that brought me back after losing Claire. You, are the reason I fought so hard during the last year to stay sober, to stay quiet and work with the team because I wanted us to work things out. I wanted us to work out because we're too damn good to be apart. And, I love you and I will never stop." There, he said it. Said the things he had tried to tell her last week but frankly Andy probably didn't hear him because he had just handed her signed divorce papers.
He crossed the room to the bed in time to catch Andy as she almost fell to the floor, as uncontrollable sobbing overtook her body. She fell into his arms, her face pressed against the familiar worn material of his t-shirt. This wasn't the first time she had ever cried in his arms, and it certainly wouldn't be the last. Sullivan knew that his wife was strong and capable and a wonderful leader. But every leader needed a moment to be vulnerable. Hell, Sullivan had cried a few times before, alone in his apartment thinking about the two women he thought he lost. Turns out he hadn't ever lost Andy, just lost sight of what they meant to each other and what they could work through.
Things were going to be magically cured after today. Maybe some marriage counselling would be in store or a few long conversations without judgement. But they would be okay, in the long term.
It was all thanks to Dean Miller. That not only Sullivan and Andy, but that others like Ben and Bailey, Travis, Emmett, Maya, Carina, Theo and Vic, were given another chance to tell someone they love them. Dean Miller, the hero, would live on in the stories the station told his daughter. He would live on in a shrine next to Andy's dad. In the developments of Crisis One, in the futures of everyone's lives he had a greater impact. Because Dean always believed that people could do good in their lives, so that's what they would do.
translation - la vida futura means "the afterlife" in Spanish
hug your loved ones a little tighter. thank someone for keeping them in your arms. and always remember to spread kindness not hate but still fight for what's right. it's what Dean taught me, and i hope you learned the same lesson. may he rest in peace / find me on tumblr at thedefinitionofendgame. thanks for reading!