The T-1000 Handmaiden
Summary: Sam has an idea, which of course involves belittling Bucky, Steve sees the potential but it's unethical and Thor does not get the concept of subtlety or, apparently, Sam's pop references.
Warnings: none. Shenanigans, Sam and Bucky bullying each other sort of (but we know they love each other really), Thor being clueless.
W/C: 750
Characters: Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, Sam Wilson, Thor Odinson.
Pairing: none.
Challenge: there-must-be-a-lock Fics Against Humanity 4k Challenge Prompt: white card - Not understanding that reference. Black card - HYDRA was disappointed to realize that they'd used the wrong code words and activated the _ soldier instead of the Winter Soldier.
A/N: this is probably crack-ish but that was the point and I had fun writing it, I hope it makes you smile too 😁
The T-1000 Handmaiden
Why Steve ever believed a quiet dinner would be just that, quiet, when Bucky and Sam were involved, was beyond him. He'd come to expect it, Sam and Bucky ragging on each other, bickering like school children and playing practical jokes that always went too far. But he had to admit Sam's latest suggestion - that he was thankful Sam hadn't yet proceeded to put into action 'as a joke' - wasn't a bad idea. Unethical? Absolutely. But not technically a bad one.
Steve shook his head and suppressed a chuckle by taking a swig of his beer, trying not to react to Sam's proposal in a way that showed he hadn't immediately disagreed. However, Sam wasn't going to let it go that easy.
"Come on," Sam goaded, "you know it makes total sense, and we'd all benefit."
"I, too, agree with the Eagle," Thor said.
"It wouldn't take much," continued Sam, ignoring the blond God's mistake. "We could dress it up as a simple medical, he'd never know. Then when we need it BOOM, a few words and then T-1000 of domestic bliss."
Thor frowned. "I do not understand that reference."
Steve understood it and as Sam's eyes drifted to the ceiling of the bar as if imagining the scenario in vivid detail, Steve too had an unwelcome picture seared to his memory. The image of Bucky in a frilly maids outfit with Terminator like focus while he blitzed around the compound with a pink feather duster scorched behind Steve eyes. He knew Sam was joking, partly at least. But he seemed to have put a lot of thought into it, perhaps too much.
"What reference?" Bucky asked, re-joining them at the table with a fresh round of drinks.
"Nothing," Sam snapped, shooting a glare of Thor.
Which the God of Thunder totally disregarded or didn't understand. "The Crow was just telling us how easy it would be for Stark to initiate your Hydra protocols, but we could change the words to make you our handmaiden."
Bucky glared at Sam who simply shrugged, and defended himself. "Look, I'm just saying if you clean as good as you kill we'd never have to hear Stark moan about running a bed and breakfast for a biker gang, again."
Bucky sneered, "I'll use your head as a toilet brush!"
"I'm sure Stark could make an all purpose cleaning arm for you," said Sam, "and you'd make such a pretty T-1000." He laughed, reaching out to pinch his cheek.
Bucky batted away Sam's advance with his vibranium hand and Steve winced knowing it would leave a bruise.
Bucky's brow furrowed, he obviously didn't get the reference either and Thor understood his comrades' confusion. Leaning closer he told him, "I did not understand that reference either."
"See, Steve," Sam said, unwisely turning to face him and subsequently putting his back to Bucky. "We should do it to punish him for not knowing a classic!"
Steve shook his head and rolled his eyes watching Bucky tip an obscene amount of salt into Sam's drink while his back was turned. It would end badly, it always did, but Sam kind of deserved it.
"I can see the headlines now," said Sam, eyes gleaming with his teasing tone as he turned back. "HYDRA was disappointed to realize that they'd used the wrong code words and activated the not understanding that reference soldier instead of the Winter Soldier."
"That doesn't even make sense," Bucky jeered.
Sam immaturely countered with, "your face doesn't make sense."
"His face makes a lot of sense," Thor butted in, utterly confused. "The symmetry and angles are perfectly aligned, his hair is soft and dreamlike; he very much makes sense as does his face."
"Thanks buddy," Bucky smiled at Thor. Then he handed Sam his drink, laughing.
Steve knew the laugh was hollow, Hydra may have activated the Winter Soldier but Sam Wilson had a way of activating the Petty Revenge Soldier.
Sam failed to notice the insincerity behind the smile and slapped Bucky on the back. "So you'll consider it?" he asked, taking his drink from the insincere soldier.
"Sure," Bucky nodded, "if Stark can make it happen, why not?" he shrugged. "Let's toast to it."
Steve watched as Sam lifted the glass to his smug smiling lips and in his head he counted down the seconds before what was supposed to be a quiet night erupted into one filled with juvenile pranks that he'd no doubt have to play referee for. Three, two…
A/N: Thank you for reading. I have lot more fics for Marvel, Supernatural, Sons Of Anarchy and DC over on my tumblr page -