Cartman was just walking down the Elementary School halls, having a good time! Clyde AllegedHottestBoyInSchool Donovan did not have to have his varsity jacket wide open like that, what if some gaywad... ran his finger down those pecs... Clyde's pretty soft, does he even have pecs? Would he be able to feel them? Cartman scowled and pushed him down in an effort to beat the bell. He was already on thin ice avoiding redoing the entire 6th grade, and Clyde was not going to get to class before him.

Science is boring as shit so Cartman's mind darts back and forth between all the guys in school. Click, click, click! the pieces fell in place in a really obvious way. Guys are hot as balls... literally, he supposes. And if guys are hot as balls, who even needs girls, huh? Cartman spent the rest of the class in planning.

Lunch. Cartman packed a lunch today because cafeteria food sucks ever since Chef died way back. He slid into the bench uncomfortably far into Kenny's personal space and flung his arms out wildly. "Girls! Who needs 'em, amirite?"

Kyle frowned and replied "You're not over Heidi yet? Who even cares, lardwad."

"I'm not a lardwad! That's so homophobic! I'm gay, Kyle." Cartman leaned across the table and flashed his most disconcerting smile. Kyle was in fact disconcerted, but for reasons he connected all by himself.

Kyle had got himself thinking about Heidi since he said her name, and Cartman... had... pretended to be gay with him. Or, not pretended. When Cartman slid up to him, Kyle leaned back. He lost his balance and fell on the floor. "Sick!" he shouted for the whole cafeteria to hear. No one batted an eyelash- they're all used to this 'banter'. "No guy will date you ever, and now you're a lardwad and a gaywad, dickwad." he prattled as Stan offered him a hand back up.

"Teehee!" a voice came from behind Cartman. Cupid Me continued, "There is a middle ground, you don't hafta like only guys or girls!"

This sentiment only earned the cherub a death glare from Cartman. Cartman had learned better than to loudly debate him during school, and he had to yell at Kyle some more. "You think I'd date a dirty Jew just cause I'm totally super gay? That's so narrow-minded, Kyle! I'm disappointed!"

Stan stared deeply into his absolutely fascinating sandwich as some teacher approached and slapped both his hands on their table. "Care to explain why you're shouting so loudly I can hear you in the teacher's lounge?"

Perfect. Cartman looked mournfully into the teacher's eyes and whimpered "Kyle here is being homophobic to me... I'm super gay, see, and he's calling me slurs!" His eyes watered convincingly as Kyle stammered helplessly.

Kyle got coherent words out of his mouth eventually, "He's not gay! He's a gaywad and totally faking!"

Stan's eyes bored holes into the whole wheat crust of his turkey sandwich with mustard but no mayo, but managed to say "You're digging your own grave." No one could tell Kenny's opinion of the situation.

Yes, Kyle did get detention. He got detention for a whole week, and his parents were very disappointed in him for making his dear friend's coming out unpleasant. They made him apologize to Cartman (because they never do learn) and Cartman ate it all up. He came out to his mom as soon as he got home and convinced her to buy him a rainbow flag, which he wore like a cape to school the next day.

He sat next to Butters in homeroom, and Butters recognized the flag. "Eric! I didn't know you were gay! You know, I'm bicurious myself." he looked really proud of himself for a minute.

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Just admit you're gay like me, Butters. Only goddamn pussies like girls!"

Butters blinked a couple of times, processing this new information. "So, only girls should like other girls?"

Click, click, click, Cartman realized. "Exactly Butters! People should stick to their own kind. This disgusting cross-gender dating is leading to the downfall of America!" He flicked his rainbow cape gayly.

Butters nodded enthusiastically, eating Cartman's ridiculous sentiment right up. When Stan walked in with Wendy in hand, Butters turned to face them. The two had been dating each other for the past 3 months, almost a record for the two of them. Cartman tutted, and Butters joined in like the follower he is. "You two are the reason America is so bad!" Butters accused, to the delight of Cartman. It's always nice when Butters acts so predictably.

Wendy looked shocked, and Stan stared daggers into Cartman's soul. "What the hell did you tell him, fat bastard."

Before Cartman could reply, however, Kyle walked in and immediately took a seat at the opposite side of the room. When he caught sight of the flamboyant cape, he groaned and planted his face on his desk. "You're serious, huh," he muttered weakly.

Everyone else walked in right before the bell, and a couple of background kids no one cares about acknowledged the flag positively. Craig and Tweek knew better than to ever interact with Cartman, especially while he's doing something intentionally divisive. Cartman spent the rest of the day considering what to do with his newfound deeply-held beliefs and taking every opportunity to call the "hets" a menace to society, much to the confusion of everyone except Butters. After school, he knew he had to talk to the only lesbian he knew.

Stan opened the door when Cartman knocked and looked testy when he demanded a reason for his presence. "I'm here for your sister, actually. Is Shelly home?"

Stan rolled his eyes and would have closed the door if Cartman hadn't taken the opportunity to lean against the doorframe. "Fine. Come in." Stan replied, apparently answering a different question than Cartman asked. Cartman did come in and went straight to Shelly's bedroom.

Shelly opened her door and looked down at the younger boy. "What's up, turd?" she greeted in good spirits.

Cartman got straight to the point. "You're a raging lesbian, right? I need advice."

"Uh... I have a girlfriend, but I'm pansexual." the Sophomore countered, expression souring. "Stan mentioned you're gay, I think, is that why you're here?"

"Yep!" he replied jovially, ignoring the entire pansexual comment. "Straight people are a menace. Can you help me think of ways to get rid of them?"

"Ahh, you're a Heterophobic and Proud type, eh? Well, my turd brother's straight, so I don't think getting rid of them is quite the solution. Sorry, turd."

"So, you're thinking conversion, not crucifixion. I think I agree. Thanks!" Cartman spun around and walked away before Shelley could respond.