OK, I take back what I said, about crying yourself to sleep, being the worst. Smiling to sleep hurts a lot more, physically.
Yes, I slept like a baby.
Yes, my cheeks hurt like hell.
Yes, I fell back into bed almost as soon as I woke up.
But, today I was going to find something about myself, even if it is the last thing I do!
I grabbed my journal from my purse, flipping it to the last page and studying it, adding in more details.
Things I know/ remember:
Name: Allyson Edgar Dawson (was?)
Name (Now): Ally Dawson Moon
Birthday: 28 October 1989 (28 years)
Relations: - Lester and Penny (parents)
-Brother(name?)- some kind of problem from peer pressure.
- Bro: Alexander 'Alex' Dawson
I was still unaware of the exact reason he was sent away to recovery, so I decided to ask him that later.
Then I added,
-Sister in law: Siena Suzanne Rodgers (Ridley's sister) of almost 2 years
- Nephew: Milan Weston Dawson
-Patricia De La Rosa (BFF)
-Dez Wade (best freckled friend/ Trish's husband)
-Austin Monica Moon (honestly, I don't know) - first love, husband of five years!(BBF)
-Ethan Lavosier - my ex, who is the current owner of Sonic Boom
- Elliot Aalbers, Dallas Hamilton, Tilly Thompson - classmates/bullies
-Kimmy Beaureguard, Cassidy Hornville, Piper and Carrie Hyden, Kira Starr- classmates/good friends
- Ridley Rodgers: really good friend and in some weird way, my sister-in-law
- Trent Jackson: secret friend/ my sister-in-law's sister's husband.
- Their girl (Don't know name yet)
My passion: writing anything at all
I was in an accident after an argument with Austin.
Austin stayed by my side when I slipped into a coma.
I woke up after 3 years to find him gone.
That was all of the updates I could think about. Then I flipped to the next page to read:
Things I know about Austin:
Popstar; best in biz
My bully in school
My first love
Person I moved to New York with
Best man at Trish and D's wedding
My husband since 21st June 2013
Father:Mike
Mother: Mimi (Second name?)
Brother: Aaron (I guess)
Step-father:Jett Deely
That was all I could remember, so closing the journal, I looked at my phone at the time. It was 10:25, a very weird time, if you ask me.
Scratching my head, I got up to take a warm morning shower.
Quickly getting ready, I climbed down the stairs into the living room to find Ace lying on the couch, watching tennis. Tennis! Like seriously?
Me, being the annoying sister I am, snatched the remote from his hand, taking him by surprise and changed into cartoons...not just any cartoon but my favourite of all time….*drumroll* Tom & Jerry, duh.
On realizing that I had taken the remote, Ace glared at me and tackled me to the couch, attempting to gain ownership of what was once his.
But, guess what? I am a stubborn woman!
He tried to get it out of my hand, while I kicked him in his chest. He started tickling my sides and I bit my lip to control my laughter. But, I returned the favour by doing the same to him. It was the most fun I had in quite some time now.
Our catfight ended when we heard a shriek. "What in the world is going on here?" Si's voice echoed.
We turned to face her. On seeing the horrified expression on her face, I figured that we were in trouble. I smiled sheepishly and from the corner of my eye, I could see Ace's expression mirrored mine.
"You're both adults acting like five-year olds over a remote?" she said, gritting her teeth. That was when I took notice of the little boy clung to her hip and her formal attire.
"Where are you going?" I asked her.
She stared at me for a second then answered, "Going to the lodge. Today is my shift and Milan's going to the daycare."
"Don't be silly. We can look after him for a day," I suggested, smiling.
"After what I just witnessed, nuh-uh. Neither of you are capable of this task," she said, diplomatically.
I sighed in disappointment, but I heard a chuckle beside me.
I looked at Ace in confusion while he whispered, "She's like the mother we never had."
This caused me to laugh. Siena glanced at us in irritation, "What was that?"
Alex cowered under her stare and answered, "Nothing Si. Today we are going to have Alex and Ally Day...no interruptions."
"Ally and Alex," I corrected.
"No, Alex and Ally," he countered.
"Stop being a male schrovenous pig, it's Ally and Alex," I argued.
"Umm, no, whatever that means, but alphabetically, mine should come first, so Alex and Ally," he stated.
He did make a good point though, but I wouldn't give up, "Ally and Alex, considering that I'm younger."
"Ageist"
"Sexist"
"Alex and Ally"
"Ally and Alex, that's it! And I got the last word," saying so I covered my ear and screamed Lalalalalalala.
Looking up, I realized he was doing the same.
"Stop it!" someone screamed.
I don't know what happened, but I immediately complied.
"Would you lovely siblings behave yourselves, while I'm away?" Siena asked. She was beyond irritated, but I could detect the amused glint in her eyes.
"Or you're grounded!" she warned and the two of us nodded like guilty children.
That's when we heard a giggle. I looked at the little boy, who had witnessed our whole banter and was now laughing.
We smiled at that and after bidding goodbyes, she left.
Once she was gone, we were enveloped by silence, which wasn't awkward.
The only audible sound was the cat and mouse chase on TV.
The silence was starting to get weird, when my stomach rumbled...rather loudly.
I turned red in embarrassment, while Ace simply laughed.
"Getting hungry there, sis?" he teased.
I stuck my tongue out at him, then dragged him to the kitchen.
"Hmm, what's for breakfast?" I asked.
He looked around and pulled out two bowls.
"It's almost noon. Want to try Everything-but-the-kitchen-sink-sundae? For old times sake?" he asked hopefully, jutting his lower lip and widening his eyes.
I gagged, "That looks awful on you! Puppy-dog eyes look cute only on little kids and me, of course."
His shoulders sagged and he lowered his head.
"But, an ice-cream sundae is not a bad idea," I replied.
That's how we spent the next hour, gathering all sorts of candy and sweets from almost every compartment of the kitchen.
While raiding the kitchen, I questioned, "What's with all this candy, bro?"
He smiled at me, "I'm kinda hiding it from Seeny and saving it for myself."
I looked at him sternly, "How much more selfish could you get?"
I paused for effect before whining,"What about me?"
During this his expression that had turned horrific contorted into a laugh.
"So, you're still a sweet tooth? "
To this he nodded, " Some things just never change! That reminds me, how are you holding up? Any new flashes or anything?"
As we dumped all the goodies into two large bowls, we continued the conversation.
I shook my head. "It's so surreal. I mean I feel so hollow inside."
The word 'surreal' seemed to do wonders to his facial muscles but my tone gave him no room for questions.
Yet him being the idiot he is asked anyways, "Do you remember much about Austin?"
I shook my head, the mood within the room had immediately dropped.
"I don't know much about him! I feel completely clueless. A lot of my childhood seems to re-form but a lot of the recent events seem quite unknown," I confided in him, as we ate our wonderful creation.
After a moment of silence, he stated, "Als, Trish told me everything last night. Just know that I will be here with you through everything."
That statement...the very depth of his confession got to me. The second I heard it, a flash went through my mind, to which I shut my eyes on instinct.
"Eh Dawson!" someone called out and I turned my head to the voice at the end of the school corridor. School had just gotten over and I was heading home. Ace was supposed to make his family call today. After all, it had only been two days and I was missing him dearly.
Austin, I shuddered.
"What do you want, doof?" I asked.
He simply smirked,evilly and walked towards me, followed by his usual posse.
"OO, fiery," he commented.
I smirked as I walked towards him, "Oo, coward," I mocked.
His smirk seemed to fall a little as a familiar flame ignited within his eyes.
Slowly, a crowd seemed to form. It wasn't anything unusual; it was widely known that an argument between Austin and I was something worth watching and it had been going on for almost a year now since his juice-pouring-stunt.
He stepped right in front of me, breaking every single personal space rule, as if to challenge me and I, being Ally Dawson, stepped right into his face.
The past ten months went by with us pulling each other's legs or playing pranks on one another.
But today something was different. He had this evil glint in his eyes.
"Dawson, you act all high and mighty, but in reality, you are just as weak as your brother," he grinned evilly.
The second he made that statement, my heart stopped.
He knew. He knew and now he was going to humiliate me.
As soon as he made his statement, my eyes fell to the ground, brimming with tears, almost ready to fall.
I would have paled worse than I had imagined, considering that his confidence wavered and he did not try to continue.
"My brother is not weak, neither am I," I whispered, lifting my head with a new fire in my heart. Usually, our banters never escalated to an extent, where either of us shed tears or were put down like this.
"Well, he is a druggie, what do you expect? Does he supply those to you as well?" a voice asked, but it was not from Austin. It was Dallas.
"Is that what you do in your spare time?" he continued.
I was now glaring, as a silent trail fell from my cheeks.
But mostly, my glare was fixed on a blonde-haired boy, who seemed to shift uncomfortably under my gaze.
And for the first time in years, I felt weak.
But there is no Ally Dawson without a comeback, right?
So with the last bit of flame left in me, I retorted, "Well, that's what happens when you are surrounded by friends like you, Dallas. My brother was manipulated, just like how you make people do things for you."
At this statement, I could feel Austin stare at me.
"Yes, my brother used substance. Yes, it was due to peer pressure. And guess what? He is brave enough to overcome the addiction by opting for treatment, but he was not shameless and definitely not weak like you lot, who pick on every single being superior to you, in expectation to break them down!"
His mouth hung open. And there was silence in the corridor, though there was a crowd surrounding us. He wouldn't dare open his mouth to argue with the Head of the Debate Team, of course. But I wasn't done.
"You are just a bully. A lousy, atrocious, abominable,fallacious, weak piece of crap, who gets his way by petrifying others. Guess what, genius, people like you end up in the dump!" I yelled at him, before turning away and walking out, but right before I let tears fall from my face, I turned back and screeched, "Hope my big words didn't damage that pretty little brain of yours."
I pretty much ran home in distress and immediately carried myself to my bed where I broke down uncontrollably.
My sob fest was interrupted by a ringtone. My favorite guitar strum echoed through the room from my laptop.
Rubbing my eyes on my sweater sleeves, I opened my laptop to be greeted with the grinning face of my brother.
"Hey Al! How are- Wait what's wrong?" he asked, after he caught sight of my less-than-happy face.
And that's how I spent the next half an hour, venting out my emotions to my brother, explaining about my awful day.
He comforted me with 'it's Ok' and 'Don't worry' wherever appropriate.
Once my rant was done, he smiled at me softly and said, "Al, be the strong girl I believe you are. Just know that I will be here with you through everything."
The sudden banging of the door broke me from the conversation.
For the past few days, I actually thought that Austin was a good guy. I couldn't understand what I saw in a guy, who willingly humiliated me. I MARRIED him, for God's sake! Was I that forgiving?And just like that, I was back to reality. Hearing that my lip quivered and my eyes started leaving their own trail of gratitude in the form of tears. In the midst of my antics, I hugged him tightly, like I hadn't in years.
"Trish doesn't tell me much and I'm brimming with questions," I confided in him.
"She told me that I can answer whatever is possible," he assured.
I thought for a moment.
"Where is she, by the way?" I asked.
"Today, she's volunteering at The Lodge," he replied, to which I grimaced. 'The Lodge?' Like seriously?
"If you hadn't noticed, she is trying to give us some sibling time for Alex and Ally Day," he stated.
"Ya, it is pretty noticeable," I commented, "But we get to celebrate ALLY and Alex day in peace," I retorted and he shook his head, laughing.
"So, what do you want to know, I'll try my best to answer it," he smiled.
"For some reason, I can't recall much of dad? How was our relationship with him?" I asked him, trying to squeeze out as much information as possible.
"Well, he was an amazing father, actually," Alex sighed, "We were very close," he continued, hesitating slightly.
"Wait, were?" I asked, catching on to his attempts to drown this question out.
"Ya, while I was away, dad kinda snapped. He became distant from the two of us, after the 'incident' and even more so, after the other 'incident'," he explained.
"Would you care to tell me what 'incidents' are you talking about?" I asked, frustrated at everyone's efforts to make me forcefully recall things that just needed brushing up.
"I can tell you the first one. The one that caused me to leave," he started, detecting my annoyance with ease.
"Drug addiction. Am I right?" I asked.
"Yes, to an extent," he started, blowing out air in an attempt to compose himself, "I had a friend back then, Denver Hamilton, I think his brother studied with you. I did get bullied at that time by this guy, but then he asked me to join his gang when I suddenly got popular and I accepted. So he forced stuff into my mouth, one party and I liked it, so that's how the addiction started. Later, I came to my senses, when I saw him doing the same thing to my best friend, Adrien and took the blame for him," he finished, looking down.
"So, Adrien's parents complained and you accepted the blame," I finished for him.
He nodded.
"Then you signed up for rehab to get rid of it," I continued, "Adrien. Adrien Semon, your best friend, stood up for you," I started recalling the incident in bits and pieces, "And though dad was disappointed, he was proud of your attempt at overcoming it."
He smiled, "See, you are very capable of recalling."
I scoffed, "I would be able to, if you guys willingly told me things."
His smile turned sheepish.
"Wait a second," I put the pieces together, "Dever Hamilton, as in Dallas's brother?" I asked for confirmation.
"Oh! That's how they knew about you," I realized, "It wasn't Austin!"
Suddenly, I felt guilty about accusing him of being a jerk all over again. I seriously need to work on my trusting abilities.
Seeing my guilt-stricken expression, Ace reassured, "This is not the first time you doubted him, kid. You forgave him for everything in the past, once he told you all this."
I absorbed his words and smiled gratefully.
"But why did we grow distant immediately after?" I asked, "I don't think you ever told me that."
He started squirming. "Umm, it has something to do with the other 'incident'," he explained.
"Which is," I prompted.
"I really can't tell you, Als," he said, eyes downcast.
That's when I remembered the poem in my diar- I mean journal which I wanted to talk to him about.
I ran up to my assigned room and pulled out my yellow journal.
Glancing at the particular page, I glanced at Alex, who sat still on the couch, his eyes still downcast.
He looked over at the poem and read it aloud:
She was but a sweet and innocent girl
Who once had hope and happiness
But put her through misery-oh poor girl!
You better run into the wilderness
For who you thought would never hurt
The one you trusted, the one who was home
Was the one to treat you like dirt,
Was the reason, you'll lose your sense of home.
She ran and ran through thick and thin
Through highs and lows and all the blues
Poor thing- had she committed a sin?
Had she forgotten to pay her moral dues?
Would she risk losing her only family token?
No- absolutely not, this girl was; is reliable
Yet here she was bruised and broken
Wondering if she would ever be lovable. "
He finished reading the page and gulped audibly. "Ally," he looked at me intently, "Can you recall this incident? Anything at all?"
I shook my head.
"Try, girl!" he urged.
And I took the risk to close my eyes and put all the focus on my memories.
"Remember the video call," he instructed. And I started to remember the day, from morning. Dad had left a note that he was out with some friends. I was hopelessly disappointed. Then, the day commenced with the big secret reveal and then the video call. Again this line of memories ended with the door slamming.
"Ally, what happened after you heard the door slam?" he asked tentatively.
I put focus on my thoughts once again, when I suddenly saw blood flowing out my head and my vision blurred with tears. I opened my eyes in shock.
"Blood. Lots of it," I recounted, "But there's a huge gap."
I thought hard once again, then grabbed my journal to read once again. The words played in my mind once again.
The one you trusted, the one who was home
Was the one to treat you like dirt
The girl? Obviously me.
Someone I trusted- probably dad?
Treated like dirt? Was he the reason I was bleeding?
Yet here she was bruised and broken
Wondering if she would ever be lovable.
Bruised and broken- I was bleeding, but since I wrote this, it would mean something deeper. Emotional blackmail?
"You will never be loved! You are a burden to me, Allyson!"
The words echoed through my head and that's when a surging pain coursed through my head.
That day. It was him! Dad. He had interrupted my video call and stumbled through the door. I had minimised the screen and opened my bedroom door to meet the bloody gaze of my father. He was drunk. He was disappointed in my brother and decided to drink his sorrows away. I remembered how before mom, dad was an alcoholic. He struck me across my face and threw me across the room. He.. he shouted things at me. I had passed out from the action. But I remember, hitting my head on something. Blood everywhere. Before I passed out and next thing I know, I was in the hospital, being hugged by Trish.
I opened my eyes and started breathing heavily. There was silence.
I broke the peace by whispering, "You saw, didn't you?"
He nodded with tears building up in his eyes, "Dad had hurt you and all I could do was stand and watch. Stand and watch! Do you know how that made me feel?" he exclaimed, his voice, now cracking,"I was so full of guilt that from that point I started growing distant from you, just hoping that by staying away, you would be happy. Apparently, I was wrong."
"How did I get to the hospital?" I asked.
"I panicked from the other end and begged to make another phone call to Trish. It was with her efforts that you were saved. After that, dad realized the consequences of his grieving methods and started taking therapy as well. But, you were too scared to stay with him and required a while to recover, during which you stayed with Trish. And you were away for three months, while he joined the-"
"Alcoholic Association?" I completed, slowly recovering those lost memories.
I remembered all the fun times with dad, after mom had gone. The camping trips. Beach days. Musical Conventions. Most of all I remembered all my shifts at Sonic Boom. Every single time I spent there.
"I think that's enough for today," Alex prompted, staring at my blank expression.
My train of thought was running at the speed of light. A million connections were being made. A million new acquaintances were probably stored there. But I somehow found it in myself to nod in approval. I had enough for a day.
But unfortunately, my stubborn brain refused to listen. It went ahead forming associations all over again. Suddenly, like a piercing bullet, I recalled everything about dad. How he was afraid to be close to me after the incident.
I remembered how the rest of my classmates remained hostile towards me after the incident. Since I had to show up at school with a bandage across my forehead and a purple bruise on my face.
Austin, however, avoided me completely, probably from guilt.
And we didn't have a proper conversation after that, till I lent him my song.
The gaps were somewhat filling. Dad and Ace- they were fully formed in my head. I could remember them, so vividly, finally!
My thoughts were broken by drops of water dripping down my face.
"Oops!" Ace provoked.
"You're going to regret that!" I exclaimed and pounced on him like a tigress on her prey.
I was having the time of my life, until Trish cleared her throat.
"Haven't seen a cat fight in a long time!" she commented.
I rolled my eyes in annoyance, then got up and hugged her.
"Any updates?" she asked me.
"The day I lost consciousness. I remembered the abuse with some help," I stated.
"Do you recall anything after being taken to the hospital?" she asked.
"Vaguely," I replied honestly, "But, somehow I remembered every single memory of Dad and Ace," I grinned.
She returned the smile with much more vigour and hugged me tightly.
"When are we leaving?" I asked her, after a moment.
"Aww sis," Alex teased, "Sick of me already?"
Smacking him, I replied, "Very!"
"We are going to Miami," Trish replied.
"But, first we need to return to NYC, which we'll do tomorrow," she continued.
I nodded. "Bro, are you going to be there too?" I asked with wide eyes.
"Ï won't be coming with you. I have a life here, you know?" he started and I nodded in understanding, "But I promise to be there on your birthday."
"Oh ya! My birthday. Yay!" I cheered sarcastically, while Trish stifled a giggle.
That's how the rest of the day went. We continued talking, but I learned nothing else after that. I enjoyed the time I spent with my family. My brother, sister, best friend and nephew.
But, there was something missing. I was missing the family that I had created.
That night, I slept with the hope that I would find him. Someday, somehow I needed him by my side.
We were always better together. But, without him I felt empty.
People often ask, how can you love someone you've never met.
In my case, the question is, how can I love someone I hardly remember.
But I swear, I can't even recall clearly what he looks like but every time I hope to see that smile again, the words 'I love you, freak' echoes through my mind, reassuring me that everything would be better.