Hi friends! That season finale was absolutely insane and I am still not over it, but here's a continuation of it because Hailey deserves better and because I love Upstead and hate Hank Voight. The title is from the song "Helium" by SIA. Enjoy and let me know what you think!
your love lifts me up like helium
your love lifts me up when I'm down, down, down
when I've hit the ground
you're all I need
'cause your love lifts me up like helium
"I'm serious. Let's get married."
His immediate thought is complete and utter happiness as the words tumble from her lips and a smile quirks at the corner of his mouth, his eyes staring into hers with such love and affection.
His second thought is concern. Because as much as he may want to spend the rest of his life with the woman standing in front of him, she stands there with teary eyes and a familiar look on her face that reminds him of not too long ago that had him reassuring her he wasn't going anywhere.
"What happened Hailey?" He finds himself asking.
"What do you mean?"
"You came in here seeming not like yourself and you just said we should get married. Not that I'm opposed to that with you, but it's a little out of left field for you. You seem scared about something and it's kinda freaking me out a little so just tell me what's going on."
"Nothing's going on. I just - I just want you. I - I don't wanna wait."
He takes a fraction of a step toward her, squeezing her arms gently and looking at her with the same soft expression he always has for her. "Hailey, I would marry you tomorrow, right now, if that's what I thought you really wanted, but there's something that you're not telling me. I can see it in your eyes. It's all over your face. And normally I'd let it go and give you your space to figure out whatever it is that you need to figure out, but I'm really worried here so just tell me."
She shakes her head, somehow able to hold back the tears she has in her eyes as she stares back at him. If she were being honest, she wasn't expecting him to say yes, that they'd suddenly be engaged or running off to City Hall the next morning for some shotgun courtroom ceremony.
The way he looks at her tells her as much, that he won't let it go, and she can't blame him considering the bomb she just dropped on him, but she couldn't help it. She'd been so deep inside her thoughts and reeling from the events of the day and the night. The thought of losing him snuck into her head far too quickly and sent her into a panic and she just blurted it out.
Maybe she should have thought this through a bit more before proposing to him on a whim in the middle of her living room. She'd surprised even herself as the words fell from her lips. The idea of marriage should terrify her given the fact that the only example of it she has is her parents. But the idea of marrying him, her partner, her best friend - it sends an undeniably wonderful ache through her, like she needs it. She needs him. She's never needed anyone in her entire life. Not her parents or friends or ex-boyfriends and past lovers. But she needs him.
"I don't know why I said it," she breathes out then. "I just, I saw you standing there and I thought about Kim and everything that's happened and I - I don't know."
"I think that's only part of it," he says quietly, carefully. "Tell me why else."
She knows exactly why else. What else. Who else. And it sends another ache rushing through her, but this one goes straight to her stomach and she swallows back the feeling of needing to gag that rises at the back of her throat.
"Can we go see Kim first?" She asks suddenly.
"Hailey - "
"Please? Let's go to the hospital and see how she's doing, and then we can come back here and we'll talk. I promise."
She says it in one breath, hurried and eyes pleading. She just needs more time. Time with him before she tells him everything that happened. Before she loses the one thing that means everything to her.
"Okay," he sighs before jutting his chin to the bathroom behind her. "You wanna take a shower and change first or just head over?"
Hailey nods, taking a step back. "Give me fifteen minutes. I'll be quick."
She pulls herself away from him and heads into her bedroom, his eyes following her with more worry than before as she closes the door behind her.
She takes a deep breath as she stands in the middle of her bedroom, trying to calm her too fast beating heart until her eyes land on a basket of laundry on the floor by the dresser. Her clothes, his clothes, mixed together. And then her eyes scour the rest of the room. A pair of his boots sitting on the floor beneath the window. One of his watches and a phone charger on the nightstand at the side of the bed. His side of the bed.
She shakes her head at the sight of all these things, his things, and pulls off her jacket. She tosses it to the bed before making her way into the bathroom and closes the door that leads out to the living room.
When she turns back around it's only a few seconds before her heart seizes again as she glances to the sink. His toothbrush in the holder beside hers. A bottle of his cologne on the other side of the faucet, one of her favorite smells that is so distinctly him. She turns her head to the shower stall at the bottles of products that don't belong to her.
He's made himself at home in her space, engraved his presence in the place she had once kept so private and guarded. A space that had quickly become theirs.
She feels the tears burning in the corners of her eyes again and her bottom lip begins to tremble as she realizes this may be it. This may be the last time she sees their lives so intimately twined together and it breaks something inside of her. Cracks her open so quickly and makes the pool of tears spill over and fall down her face.
She wipes under her eyes with one hand and covers her mouth with the other, muffling the painful sob that falls out as she becomes overwhelmed with frustration and despair over the fact that she knows she won't come back from this. Losing Jay. Losing them. She is sure he's going to hate her. He's going to become so disgusted with her, he's going to leave when she tells him and she knows she can't not tell him.
The only thing she can do is bask in denial and hold off the heartache that she's sure will come for a few more hours. She can pretend that everything is fine, that she hasn't crossed a line she can't come back from despite being pulled across it involuntarily by her Sergeant. They can still be them for just a little while longer.
She turns on her heel and leaves the bathroom, wiping under her eyes again and grabbing her jacket from the bed before pulling open the door of her bedroom. Jay looks up at her from the couch, his phone in hand, and raises an eyebrow at her and the clothes she hasn't changed out of yet.
"Let's just go to the hospital now," Hailey says, slipping her arms through the sleeves of her jacket again.
"You sure?"
She nods and forces a smile, stepping toward him and reaching a hand down to him.
"Okay," Jay says with a shrug, taking her offered hand into his and standing from the couch.
They leave her apartment and make their way out to his truck, it not being lost on him the way her hand trembles in his or how she doesn't let go until they separate to get into the cab. When they buckle themselves in, she reaches for his hand again over the console between them.
He wants to believe it's just because of the events of the last few days. The case and Kim and the very real possibility that tonight could have gone a lot differently if he and Kevin hadn't found their friend and colleague when they did.
He's not that naive though. He knows something else happened. Something big enough to scare her into bringing up marriage even though he's definitely not against it. It wouldn't be the first time he's had the thought of spending the rest of his life with her. He thinks about it often, but he knows there is something she's keeping from him that she can't find the words for right now so he won't push her.
She said they'd talk later and he knows she needs more time to wrap her head around whatever it is that's going on. He just holds onto her hand tightly and drives, glancing over at her every few minutes to see her staring out the window and lost in her own head.
When they get to Med and he throws the truck into park, she lets go of his hand only long enough for them to get out of the cab and for her to meet him at the hood. Her fingers twine with his once again and she holds on tightly to him.
Jay has passed the point of concern now as they enter the hospital through sliding glass doors, but Hailey still doesn't let go of him, only holding on tighter as they walk down the corridors of the hospital. They ride the elevator in silence, huddled into a corner as it fills with staff and visitors, and Hailey lifts her other hand to place it on his arm just below his elbow. He can't help leaning down and kissing the top of her head, pressing his lips to her hairline in a silent reminder of assurance to let her know he's still with her.
They step off the elevator when the doors slide open a few moments later, hands still intertwined between them and Hailey's hand holding his arm as they walk down the hallway together. When the pair rounds a corner they spot Kevin leaning against a nurse's station, one hand tucked into the front of his vest and the other holding his phone up to his ear.
"How is she?" Hailey asks quietly as her and Jay approach him.
Kevin looks between them, his eyes glancing between their joined hands and their faces, and a soft knowing smile peeks out over his own. Because despite the horrors and the unknowns that surround them, at least there is some bit of happiness to hold onto.
"Hold up a sec bro," Kevin says into the phone, holding it over his shoulder and then looking between the couple again. "She's still in surgery, but they said she's fighting, still holding on."
"She's been through a lot, but she'll pull through this too. I know it," Jay says and Hailey nods at his side in silent agreement.
"Y'all staying for a bit?" Kevin asks them.
"Yeah," Hailey tells him. "We're not going anywhere."
Kevin nods and gestures to his phone. "I'm gonna head to Kim's place. Take over for Ruze and watch Makayla so he can come down."
"Sounds good man," Jay says, lifting his free hand and clapping Kevin on the shoulder.
The officer gives Jay and Hailey one last look before he steps away, walking down the hall and lifting his phone back to his ear. They hear his quiet words of "I'm on my way to you" as he rounds the corner and then he's gone.
Jay glances over at Hailey, her hold on him unwavering and the worry inside him growing heavier by the second, but he won't bring it up here. He leads her to a small alcove of chairs and takes a seat, Hailey sitting down beside him, and he brings their joined hands to his lap and places his free hand over top of them. She leans her head against his shoulder, breathing out a quiet sigh that is quickly followed by a dragged out yawn.
He glances at her face to see her blinking slowly, fighting off exhaustion and whatever else is going through her head that he doesn't yet know about, an unmistakable look of sadness etched across her face. He could tell she was crying when she came out of her bedroom earlier and all he wants is to ask her what is going on, but he knows he can't do that in some hospital waiting room. They're here for Kim. Anything and everything else can wait.
He leans down and kisses the top of her head again, hovering over her hair as he pulls back slowly, and whispers, "I love you."
"I love you too," she whispers back from beside him, squeezing his hand and his arm and not letting go.
Time moves slowly from there and Adam arrives almost forty minutes later, tears in his eyes and a disheveled mess of hair. He spots them quickly through the glass window of the alcove and walks toward them.
"Hey, any news?" He asks in a rush.
Jay shakes his head. "Before Kev left he said she was still in surgery, but we haven't heard anything else yet."
Adam nods slowly, pacing in a circle a few times before he finally takes a seat in the empty chair next to Hailey. He glances over at the half asleep blonde, smiling softly at the way she's curled against her partner and clutching him with her hands.
"Is this a new development or - ?" Adam asks quietly, looking to Jay and nodding down to Hailey.
Jay smiles softly as he shakes his head and it makes Adam smile wider despite his own despair. "Well good for you guys then. It's about damn time, man."
"Yeah," Jay mumbles softly, squeezing Hailey's hand when she squeezes his fingers in her sleepy state.
Another twenty minutes pass in silence between the three until a nurse enters the alcove, a friendly look on her face.
"Are you here for the officer that was brought in? Kim Burgess?"
The two men nod and Hailey comes out of her sleepy haze at the sound of their friend's name, looking up as the nurse smiles softly at them.
"She's out of surgery. She's stable right now, but still in critical condition. They're transporting her to the ICU. Me or another nurse will come find you when you can see her."
The nurse is gone as quickly as she appeared and they all breathe out a sigh of relief, Adam leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his head lowering in front of him. They can tell by the way his shoulders heave that he's crying as he holds his hands over his face, sniffling quietly beside them.
Hailey pulls her hand from Jay's arm and places it on Adam's shoulder, squeezing gently and then the dam breaks. All the worry and the anger and the not knowing where Kim was or if she was even still alive leaving the officer's body through every sob that rips through him.
"Sounds like she's gonna be okay," Hailey whispers, giving his shoulder another squeeze and running her hand across his back.
He lets it all out in the safe space between him and his friends, and then lifts his head, pulling at the neckline of his shirt to wipe at his face. He stands a moment later, wiping at his face again and sniffling back his tears, and turns to face Hailey and Jay.
"Thank you," Adam says quietly through teary eyes as he looks at Jay. "For finding her, for getting her here as fast as you did, for all of it."
Jay nods and then Adam looks at Hailey. "And thank you for making me go home. For pulling me back from the ledge. You were right."
Hailey smiles softly at him, nodding slowly and knowingly, as Adam breathes out another deep sigh of relief.
"I'm gonna call the others, Kev and Trudy and Voight. Let them know," Adam tells them and Jay doesn't miss the way Hailey flinches beside him at the mention of their Sergeant's name.
He glances at her for a moment, but she doesn't look at him, refusing to meet his eyes, so he looks back at Adam and gives a short nod. "You good man?"
"I will be. She's out of surgery, still hanging on. That's all that matters now," Adam tells them. "It's late. You guys go home and get some sleep. Kev's with Makayla. I'm not leaving here anytime soon."
"You sure man?" Jay asks, feeling Hailey stiffen beside him.
"Yeah, I'm sure. I'll keep you guys updated."
"When she wakes up, tell her we love her," Hailey says quietly as her and Jay stand to their feet.
Adam assures them that he will with a small smile and a slow nod, and then they say their goodbyes. Hailey and Jay head out of the hospital, her hand never leaving his despite the way her body froze just moments ago and she holds onto him for near dear life in the same manner as when they first left her apartment.
When they arrive back at her place after another silent drive, Hailey kicks off her boots by the door and pulls off her jacket, tossing it over the back of the armchair as Jay does the same. She pulls her hair from its ponytail and tosses the hair tie on a side table, and when she turns to face him with tearful eyes he shakes his head at her.
Jay steps toward her slowly and looks directly at her, his eyes soft as always, but full of concern maybe more so than ever before. "What did he do Hailey?"
She lets out a deep breath and runs a hand through her hair. She knew she had given herself away in that damn alcove. Hearing Voight's name had sent a chill through her as soon as she'd heard it and she just reacted. Out of instinct or fear or anger, she can't be sure. She steps away from Jay and moves to the couch. She sits down and folds her legs up under her, resting her arms across her lap.
"He found Roy," Hailey spills out through trembling lips. "He found him and he - "
She stops, shaking her head and keeping her eyes down at her hands as she picks at her nails, needing something else to focus on as she lays it all out.
Jay walks to the couch and sits down beside her, sitting sideways and facing her. He reaches an arm out toward her and rests a hand over her knee. "Hailey, what happened?"
"He gave me and Adam the locations for the knock and talks that were legit. He took the red flags. Adam had to take care of Makayla so I drove him to Kim's apartment and went after Voight," she speaks through a croaky voice as she looks up at him, having to force herself to do so despite the tears that pool in the corners of her eyes and blur her vision. "He - he was beating him. H-he had him cuffed. We had words and fought, I pushed him back. I convinced him to bring Roy in, that we found Kim and it was the right thing to do."
Jay stares back at her, blood boiling and his heart pounding. He already knows how the story ends. The hand that doesn't rest on Hailey's knee shakes and he has to force himself not to ball it up in a fist out of anger for their Sergeant. He doesn't wanna scare Hailey, so he squeezes her knee again gently instead.
"What happened after that?" He asks carefully.
"Voight went to uncuff him and Roy reached for his gun. He was gonna sh-shoot him and I just - it was a good shoot. It was a good shoot, but no one knew we were there. No one knew Voight was there. He went off book and didn't call it in. He wouldn't let me call it in."
"Where's Voight now?"
"I don't know. He told me to leave. To go home and I just - I came here. I - I don't - " she's shaking her head, tears falling from her eyes and her heart pounding in her chest, hands shaking.
"Hey, this isn't on you," Jay tells her immediately.
Hailey shakes her head again as she looks back at him. "I shot him. I killed him."
"You did that because he was reaching for a gun. It's completely justified."
"But I was trying to be better! I was trying to be good!" She cries out. "Like you. I wanted to be better. I wanted to do it the right way."
It's him who shakes his head then, reaching for her shaking hands and holding them tightly between his, their knees touching as Hailey sniffles back more tears, but they just keep pouring out from her.
"You did it the right way, Hailey. You did all of it right."
"I'm scared Jay," she whispers, it's so quiet he barely even hears her. "What if something happens? What if this comes back on me? I don't wanna pull you into this. I don't want you caught up in it. You're too good."
He's shaking his head again as he tugs on her hands and pulls her toward him. He leans back and lies down on the couch, bringing her down on top of him and wraps his arms around her. One hand moves along her back and the other cradles her head against his chest. Her entire body shakes against his, sobs racking through her small frame as she cries out against him and grips his shirt tightly in her fists.
"I'm sorry," she cries out, her words muffled against his chest as her tears soak through the fabric of his shirt, but he just tightens his hold on her and shushes her.
"It's not your fault. We'll figure it out. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere," he promises with hushed words and soft touches. "You hear me? You're not in this alone. I'm not going anywhere."
He holds her and reassures her until her sobs grow quiet and she hiccups through her tears as she lies on top of him, cradled between his legs and his arms. Their tight grips on one another don't loosen as they lie on the couch, just holding onto each other.
As time passes and her cries die down, he can't be sure if she's just keeping quiet out of fear or panic, or if she's cried herself to sleep. He runs a hand over the back of her head, his fingers weaving through her soft blonde hair. When he tilts his head to kiss her on the forehead, he notices her open eyes, red and puffy from the assault of tears and she blinks slowly as if she's afraid to sleep.
"Let's get you to bed," he whispers, kissing the top of her head again.
He pushes himself up with one arm into a sitting position as he keeps the other around Hailey and she clings to him, almost too scared to let him go.
"I promise you, I'm not leaving," he tells her again, his tone gentle, but firm as he brings a hand to the side of her face to look her in the eyes.
The sight he's met with as he looks at her crushes him. Her teary eyes, blotchy face and trembling lips. He feels tears of his own form in his eyes at the way she sits all, but in his lap, looking completely deflated, unsure, just broken down and nothing like herself.
"Come on," Jay coaxes softly.
He stands from the couch and pulls Hailey up to her feet, keeping an arm around her shoulders. She still clings to him, her arms snaking around his waist as he leads them toward the bedroom and he switches off the lights of the living room along the way. He brings her to the bed and sits her down, the look of nothing on her face gutting him. She's completely shut down now. He helps her undress, stripping her down to just a t-shirt and underwear, and then tucks her into her side of the bed.
He dresses down quickly to just his boxers before rounding to the other side and crawling in beside her. She reaches for him within seconds, attaching her body to his and holding on tightly and relentlessly and he just holds her, shushing her again and kissing her hair, praying for sleep to come to her quickly so she can finally rest.
It's late as Jay lies in bed still awake, unable to settle his racing mind. Hailey sleeps beside him, breathing softly and snoring lightly from all of the crying and emotions of the last few hours, but even in her restful state she still doesn't let go of him.
He can't sleep. Can't stop thinking about what she had told him, what their Sergeant had done, and it makes his heart beat faster and the anger boil hotter as he glances down at Hailey. She doesn't deserve this.
He peels her hands from his body slowly and carefully so he doesn't wake her, and slips out of the bed. He pulls on his jeans and grabs a t-shirt, and then walks out of the bedroom. He heads for the kitchen and grabs a notepad and pen from the island to scrawl out a quick note for Hailey. He knows the chances of her waking up are high and he knows the thoughts she'll have if she wakes up in bed alone with him nowhere to be found.
He creeps back into the bedroom and places the note on his pillow, then checks to make sure Hailey is still asleep before he walks out to the living room. He pulls on his jacket and his boots, grabs his phone and keys, and then he sneaks out of the apartment.
It's three in the morning, but he doesn't care as he rings the doorbell and takes a step back. He stuffs his shaking hands into the pockets of his jacket and stays planted on his feet where he stands, afraid if he takes the tiniest step forward he might start swinging the second the door opens and that's a mess that neither he nor Hailey can afford to handle right now.
When the door opens, his Sergeant doesn't seem too surprised to see him standing on his front porch, even at the late hour.
"What are you doing here Jay?" Voight asks gruffly.
Jay stares back at him for a single moment and then says, "If this comes back on Hailey, in any way, I'll bury you."
His voice is completely calm, neutral, but there's a layer of ice in his words that even he doesn't think he's ever used before with anyone let alone his boss.
Voight tenses his jaw, staring back at the man in front of him and very quietly, he says, "It won't."
Jay shakes his head, shuffling on his feet. "You don't know that, Hank. You don't know that! Look at what happened with Erin. With Al. When Ruzek got arrested. Everyone who gets close to you, who tries to help you, they take the fall. Not you. And I'll be damned if I let that happen to Hailey. You're not gonna drag her down with you."
His voice comes out cold, uncharacteristically menacing, and the look on his Sergeant's face tells him his words have stuck and they have hurt and he's a little proud of himself for it.
Jay throws another glare at the older man in front of him, shakes his head in disgust at him, and then turns around and walks back to his truck.
By the time he gets back to Hailey's apartment, his hands have finally stopped shaking and his heartbeat has slowed. He creeps inside and closes the door behind him as softly as he can before turning the lock and taking off his boots and his jacket. He pulls his t-shirt over his head as he moves to the bedroom and slides off his jeans before he slips back into his side of the bed again.
Hailey reaches for him immediately, snuggling into his side and he wraps his arms around her as she drops her head to his shoulder. She breathes deeply against him and he can tell she's awake.
"You saw my note?"
She nods against him as she moves an arm across his stomach and squeezes his side. "Where'd you go?"
"I had to do something," he says cryptically and she squeezes his side again. "He's not gonna pull you down with him."
"Please tell me you didn't hit him," she says quietly, half-joking and worried.
"Not yet," he tells her. "I just had some words for him."
She doesn't say anything, just tilts her head up at him and kisses his neck just under his jawline. He tightens his arms around her shoulder and her waist, and rests his chin over her head.
"It's gonna be okay, Hailey. Whatever happens, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere," he tells her again. Hoping his words will stick so she can fall back to sleep easily enough.
She reaches for his hand at her waist, weaves their fingers together and squeezes, then whispers, "I love you."
"I love you," he tells her, dropping a kiss to her hair as she snuggles closer against him and lets out a deep breath against him.
"I thought I was gonna lose you," she admits a moment later amongst the silence. "I think that's why I said what I said. The whole marriage thing."
"You're never gonna lose me, Hailey," he says, breathing in and out against her hair. "That won't ever happen."
"I said it out of panic at first, but - but I do want it. I want that with you. I want everything with you," she tells him and he squeezes her against him that much closer, smiling at her even though she can't see it.
"I want everything with you too," he says. "Except let me do the proposal okay? I'll make it some big gesture with lots of planning and I'll be a nervous wreck the entire time hoping you'll say yes."
She shakes her head against him. "I'd say yes over takeout on the couch. I'd say yes right now."
"As tempting as that is at the moment, it'll still be a surprise. And it'll be a happy one. One you won't see coming."
She lifts her head and stares at him, smiling a tiny grin at him in the darkness of her bedroom despite her aching body and worried thoughts, through dried tears and a blotchy face, and then she leans up as he leans down. Their lips meet in the middle, pressing against one another softly, slowly, surely.
It's an unspoken promise that is made in the safe space of her bedroom. Their bedroom. Their home. A promise of a future together filled with a proposal and a wedding and babies and everything in between. It's a promise of a lifetime together.