Chapter 1: My Captain Doesn't Answer

Ashley's fingers grazed the nameplate reverently. Commander John Shepard. The makeshift symbol of his probable death was temporary, and the name had been meticulously hand-written in black ink. She wasn't sure who had written it. It would do for now, at least until they could get back to Alliance space. If they ever got back to Alliance space. They had been stranded on this planet for over 72 hours. Repairs on The Normandy were finished, and she hoped they would be in the air within the next hour or so. She let her gaze scan the names on the wall and linger for a moment on the name of Kaidan Alenko. She remembered that he gave good hugs, and she could have really used one of his right then. She looked again at the nameplate, cycling through the emotions she had been feeling the last few days.

At first, there was pure, stabbing grief. When he'd forced her to leave him behind again her hopes of his survival all but crumbled. As the Normandy sped away from London, leaving him there all alone, she slumped to her knees in the cargo bay and stared at the floor. Liara helped her struggle to her feet and enfolded her in a desperate hug so tight Ashley thought the rest of her ribs might break. She returned it, equally as constricting, and the two of them shook with shared quiet tears for a moment. At that moment, they both seemed to understand they would never see him again.

Desperation was next. She'd somehow made it to bridge on her own two feet. While her physical injuries were minimal, she struggled with simply trying to advance one in front of the other. She listened to the radio chatter hoping to hear something, anything good, but it all sounded bleak.

Silent panic quickly followed the audible order from Admiral Hackett to retreat entirely. She choked out a quiet "no!" to anyone that would hear her, but she knew leaving was the only way the Normandy would survive. Joker had hesitated, and Ashley watched Liara place her hand on his shoulder and gently urge him to carry out the order. When he'd begrudgingly set his resolve to do so, Ashley felt dizzy, nauseous, and her chest tightened like a vice. She leaned against the wall for support, closed her eyes, and took a few deep breaths. She then forced herself to remain upright on the bridge as everything turned to chaos.

Cold resolve emptied her of emotion after a rough landing. She was technically in command for now, and she was laser- focused on it. If she could work, she could function. It worked until there was a few seconds to spare or a quiet moment for her mind to wander. She didn't dare sleep for fear of her dreams. She carried on with calm authority, but she suspected most of the crew knew she was in pain. She and Shepard had been fairly private about their relationship, but certainly not secretive. She had to avoid more than a few sympathetic glances as the days passed.

They had lost EDI. No one was entirely sure why. They'd surmised that it had something to do with the wave of energy that had engulfed them and fried all of their systems. Joker hadn't made a sarcastic remark, or any remarks at all for that matter for the last two days. In fact, the whole crew seemed to be walking around in a daze. Traynor was working hard through her own occasional bout of tears to get communications up and running, but there was no guarantee that anyone would answer. There was no guarantee that anyone was even alive.

No matter what happens here today, I'll always love you.

She took a deep, shaky breath and blinked away a threatening tear, keeping her gaze on the nameplate. And then her lips moved.

"No," She spoke softly, so softly she wasn't even sure she had said it aloud.

There was silence, and she felt Garrus' hand touch her shoulder as the entire crew watched her expectantly.

"No," She said, stronger and with more defiance. She felt Garrus' taloned fingers tighten comfortingly on her shoulder.

"Williams," he said quietly.

She turned to meet his sad eyes. "Not yet." It was nearly a plea, a desperate wish that someone would understand. He stared at her a moment, looked as if he was going to try to convince her, and then he broke eye contact and nodded.

"It's okay," he comforted. "We don't have to do this now."

Liara approached, and Ashley's eyes pleaded with her too. "I can't," she said.

"I know,' Liara whispered, a tear falling onto her cheek.

"Not until I know for sure." She stared at Liara, and finally Liara smiled sadly and nodded.

"So what's next...Commander?" Joker spoke as he approached them, and even though Lieutenant Commander was a rank she and Shepard both shared, her stomach roiled at the use of the title for her. It was his title, his ship, his crew. "The Normandy is ready. We'll go where you tell us to."

She nodded, and then glanced around at the other crew members, who all seemed to be looking agreeable. She swallowed her emotions and found her voice, strong and authoritative. "Set a course for London, Joker."

"Yes ma'am."

With that she felt she could no longer stand there, no longer look at that wall. She strode out, passed the crew and made her way to the elevator. When the door closed and it started its slow climb to the Captain's cabin, she closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. She imagined his face, his smile, and his final words to her. And then she spoke again to both herself and him.

"Not yet."