DISCLAIMER: I Own Nothing.

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Milo is dreading gym class because it's dodgeball week, and Jared and Blaine always target him and Mikey. But this time, enough is enough! Milo is ready to fight back!

01. Milo Strikes Back!

Milo Oblong and his best friend, Mikey Butts were dreading what they considered to be the universally most violent game known to humanity—dodgeball! Especially with Jared Klimer and Blaine Radcliffe hurtling balls at them like bullets.

"So what exactly is wrong with you two boys?" Nurse Rench asked them. They were sitting in her office hunching over like rollie-pollies.

Mikey looked to Milo for an answer but he himself was unsure of what to say. "Uhh...my stomach!" Milo cried. "My stomach hurts." He added a drawled out "oohhh" for extra drama.

"Yeah," Mikey played along. "Mine too! My stomach!"

Nurse Rench looked dubious. She tapped her chin with her shriveled finger as she looked the boys over. At last she reached a conclusion and said, "Must've been the Salisbury steak at lunch. Go to the bathroom and I'll call your parents to pick you up."

Milo and Mikey flashed each other relieved grins. They scrambled into the boy's bathroom and each did a unique victory dance:

"Oh, yeah! No Jared! Oh, yeah! No Blaine! Oh, yeah! No dodgeball!" Milo sang while Mikey shook his big, obtruding ass.

The boys hurried back to Nurse Rench's office, retaining their "sick" facades.

"Well, boys," Nurse Rench began. "I called both of your houses. Milo, your mother could barely construct a sentence—"

Milo knew that meant his mom was probably day-drunk and already passed out in the bathtub, with her legs up in the air.

"So I called your father," Nurse Rench went on. "And he told me he couldn't leave his job to come and pick you up because he has no more early-outs he can use."

Milo's heart sank. Now what could they do?

"What about my mom?" Mikey spoke up.

"You're mom thought I was the police and then hung up on me before I could even explain," Nurse Rench explained.

Mikey's shoulders fell. He looked at Milo but Milo had no answers this time.

Nurse Rench scanned her selection of medicine in the cabinet above them. "Listen boys, I could have you swallow some castor oil—"

"No!" Milo and Mikey cried in a unison.

Milo scrambled for something suitable to say next, "I mean, we'll just spend some quality time in the bathroom! Thank you, Nurse Rench."

Milo and Mikey rushed out of Nurse Rench's office and slumped against their lockers. "Well, what are we going to do now, Milo?" Mikey asked. He was frantically cleaning one of his nostrils with his thumb.

Milo sighed. "We've reached the last resort, Mikey. We're going to have to talk to Principal Davis. Maybe she can put a stop to Jared and Blaine, clowning us with the dodgeballs."

Mikey was now furiously scratching his buttcrack, a grotesque habit triggered when he was under stress. "Do you think she'll help us?" he asked.

Milo gulped. "No, but we can at least try to talk to her," he said. "After all, we can't keep avoiding P.E. forever."

So the boys walked into Principal Davis' office. She picked up her coffee mug and then sat it down with a groan when they walked in. "Oblong and Butts? What is it now?" she asked, antsy.

Milo explained his and Mikey's dodgeball woes. He also illustrated his stories with every bruise he'd received from being hit so hard with the balls. Principal Davis looked unmoved. She then pressed her eyes on Mikey. "What about you, Butts? Where are your bruises."

Mikey remembered every accident he'd ever had since the day he was born. "Oh, I don't bruise very easily," he said breathily.

Principal Davis glowered. "Boys, it's a game. Jared and Blaine mean well," she told them.

"But Principal Davis—" Milo interjected, but Principal Davis held up her hand.

"You two are being bad sports by taking the game way too seriously," she snapped. "Just throw the damn ball and keep from getting hit. Simple."

The boys exchanged defeated looks. They walked out of Principal Davis's office, and slugged to the gym. It was time for World War III.

"Um, coach," Milo spoke up. His voice was shaking. "I-I don't feel so good. I hurt my um...my ankle."

"I don't feel very good either," Mikey tagged on. "I hurt my knee."

The P.E. teacher looked the boys over. Jared and Blaine exchanged evil giggles.

"Hey, Blaine watch this," Jared said, with a light bump on his best friend's elbow. He shot a death glare at Milo. "Hey broke-jokes, there's a spider coming for you!"

"Ahh! SPIDER!" Mikey cried. His feet flung up from the floor. He landed flat on his butt flaps.

"Where!? Kill it!" Milo shook his hands over his head as if he were going down in flames.

Jared and Blaine were in a fit of laughter. They high-fived each other to celebrate. Milo and Mikey settled down in defeat.

"Enough of this!" The P.E. teacher blew into his whistle, casting a sharp tweet that struck every nerve in Milo's body. Balls immediately took over the air. There was nothing left that he could do to get him and Mikey out of this.

"Okay, you get Butts! I'm going for Obdong," Jared instructed Blaine.

They both cackled manically before spliting up. Jared's fingers sunk into the rubber texture of a ball. His grip was tighter than a hawk gripping its prey. Jared and Blaine's balls left their grip and went thrashing into the air.

"Aggghhh!" Milo and Mikey cried.

The boys sprinted as quickly as they could, but the balls darted right into their guts. It knocked them off their feet and sent them both into the bleachers.

"Stuh-riiike!" Jared jeered. He and Blaine high-fived each other under another whistle blow from the P.E. teacher.

Milo had a new bruise to add to his growing story of Jared and Blaine-Inflicted Injuries, while Mikey just had the emotional-trauma.

That night, during dinner at the Oblong House, Milo picked over his food. He couldn't wait to soak in the bathtub and numb his bruised body.

"What's wrong, Milo?" Bob asked.

Milo sighed and went into the events of the day. "Jared and Blaine are always coming after me and Mikey. It's not fair," he finished.

Biff and Chip snorted. "Man, you got your little ass whooped!" Chip teased his little brother.

"I don't know, the black eye kind of improves his looks if you think about it," Biff egged on. The two conjoined twins, hurled in laughter.

Milo shamefully sank in his chair.

"Now, Milo," Bob said. "Don't take it to heart. You have to remember, no matter how violent dodgeball is, it's still just a game. Try to have fun. If you show Jared and Blaine that you're having a good time, then they might loosen up and have fun too. Right Pickles?"

Pickles moved her wine glass from her lips. "Right!" she agreed. "When they hit you with the balls, hit them back...harder!"

Bob furrowed his brow. "Um, Pickles, that's not what I meant," he said.

"Bob, haven't you ever heard of 'an eye for an eye'?" Pickles asked her husband.

"Clearly, Milo hasn't," Chip said squinting one of his eyes to look like Milo.

Biff burst out laughing. "Dude, we're on fire tonight!" he raved.

"Pickles, unless it's in the bedroom, I don't condone violence," Bob continued to argue.

Pickles stood over the table and faced Milo. "Milo, if some kid hits you, you have my permission to whale on that son of a bitch!"

"Does that go for me too, Mommy?" Beth spoke up.

"No! Because there's no fighting at school, period!" Bob answered before Pickles could. "If any of you gets sent to jail, I won't have the money to bail you out."

Milo crawled out of his chair and slugged to his room while his parents continued to argue. Most of his parents arguments ended in make-up sex, so he at least could look forward to the peaceful moaning sounds to put him to sleep.

The next day at school, Jared and Blaine were already warming up for another game of dodgeball. Milo thought about what his dad said. Maybe if he showed Jared and Blaine he was having fun, they would realize that they were not a threat and back off. Milo decided he could at least try it.

Mikey clutched Milo's elbow, bringing him out of his thoughts. "Let's promise to stay close by each other," Mikey told his friend.

"Good idea," Milo said. "And I have an idea. Let's show Jared and Blaine that we're not scared. Let's show them we're having fun."

Mikey looked confused. "Umm...okay," he agreed.

The whistle screeched and balls took over the air again. Milo gulped. He then stuck out his tongue and blew a raspberry at Jared. "You can't get me, Jared!" he cried.

Jared clenched his teeth. He ripped a ball from out of a random kid's hands and charged after Milo who was running for his life. Mikey was close behind him.

Mikey and Milo laughed. "This is so much fun!" Milo taunted.

"You're really starting to PISS ME OFF!" Jared roared. "Get those dorks, Blaine!"

Blaine thundered after the two giggling boys and scud the ball at them as hard as he could. The ball soared toward Milo. He hunched over like a turtle to protect himself. Just inches away from his face, Mikey threw himself in front of his best friend.

"Nooo!" Jared wailed.

The ball pounded Mikey in the butt, ricocheted off his fleshy cheeks, and smited Blaine right in the face. He fell hard on his back, taking away his breath before he could let out an, "Ohh!"

The P.E. teacher blew on his whistle. Game over. "Oh, yeah! We beat them! Oh, yeah! We beat them!" Milo sang while Mikey shook his victoriously, heroic ass-cheeks.

"Blaine!" Jared cried, helping up his friend. "I'm so sorry, dude! I let my thirst for beating up Valley kids get the best of me! Will you ever forgive me?"

Blaine blinked rapidly. Mikey walked over to Blaine and looked him over. "Blaine, are you okay?" he asked.

Blaine slowly lifted his aching head, when he saw Mikey's huge butt-cheeks, his soul left his body. "Stay away from me!" Blaine cried. He peeled himself off the gym floor and scrammed to the locker room, Jared following after him.

That night, Milo sat in between his parents on the couch and updated them on his day. "So, I basically listened to both of your suggestions," Milo told them.

"Oh, that's wonderful, sweetie!" Pickles gushed.

"Good enough for me," Bob agreed.

"How about we celebrate tonight, Bob? I still haven't learned my lesson from all that arguing with you yesterday," Pickles said as she slipped out of her heels.

Bob rapidly raised his eyebrows at her. "Naughty girl needs another spanking."

Milo winced at his disgusting parents. "But, Dad. I thought you said you don't condone violence."

"Unless it's in the bedroom!" Pickles reminded him. She winked at Bob.

Milo took that as his cue to leave. A soothing bubble bath was calling his name.

Next Time: Mikey is in love...with a Debbie?!