MANHATTAN - SEPTEMPBER 1899

"Wanna get high?" Alexei had asked, putting aside his better judgement, and holding up a pipe packed with opium.

He was shocked when Grim visited. He was even more shocked when Grim accepted the offer.

And now, Grim thought the stars were spinning, growing fuzzier by the minute against the dark sky. September breezes drove away the leaves of the enveloping London planetrees and emitted a spooky crackle, terrifying a clan of robins from their perch. That's one of the last things Grim thought he saw before he fell onto a park bench, the silky, mumbled tuk of the robin's melody clanging around him. He lifted his eyes to the bright moon, stars overflowing with different tones of dazzling silver, white, grey, and yellow. He grew fascinated by a certain star, one that was fashioned like a diamond or a parallelogram, he concluded. Shakespeare would be proud of him for using such a word to describe something as mundane as a star. He observed the way it blinked back at him as the sky became dimmer by the second, the constant wind pouring alongside him as he sat there, all but dead to the world.

But he was far from dead. He felt more alive than he'd ever felt in his life. He knew this city like the back of his hand, and he'd wandered through Central Park more times than he could count. But nights were the best time to go. Hardly anyone was there. It was his hideout, his retreat from the rest of the town, the rest of the neighborhoods. He was easily concealed, snuggled intensely in the urban park, completely immersed in the woods and the waters that sat between the Upper West and Upper East sides of Manhattan. It was an effortless trek, too, but nevertheless lengthy. It was one that Natalie liked to take with him in years past, all the way from Brooklyn.

After an hour of walking, Grim had reached the opposite end of the park, having gone by some drifters, still selling wares into the night.

The autumn shades of September fought to overshadow the vestiges of summer. Grim's hasty sanctuary from the world brought him to a deserted meadow, adorned with a pavilion and a few empty wooden benches. He remembered exploring the spot in the past, chatting with Natalie about anything and everything on one of those benches. He'd kissed her for the first time in that pavilion. She'd confessed she was in love with him on another occasion near the outcropping of rocks.

The gentle knolls and the sporadic oak trees had witnessed it all, from then to now. No, he was not dead. From where he sat now, it was a two hour walk back to Duane Street and the streets were easy to navigate. He'd never felt lost in the city before. When he was little, his fear of rats made him scared of wandering the alleyways or parks at night, but it didn't matter now. It wasn't that he'd overcome his fear. Grim just didn't care anymore. He'd seen plenty of rats in the Refuge.

As he sat there, eyes threatening to close, the trees began to spin alongside the stars, chased by the light rain and the robins. Eventually the whole earth was disappearing altogether in a pool of hues vaulting at him like a maelstrom, and he shut his eyelids in submission, allowing the world's theft of his spirit.

"He's okay, Logan," Alexei muttered, walking along the dark street as Tide's eyes darted down every alley. "Nobody ever died from a few hits."

Alexei raked a wobbly hand through his blonde hair, staring straight ahead with weary blue eyes.

"Right, he's okay, nothing to worry about," Tide replied with piercing mockery to his voice, his eyes stuck to the avenues. "I ain't okay. I'm this close to having a nervous breakdown, Alexei. Are you okay?"

"Tide, he's probably—"

"Just shut up, now..." His voice lost its sharpness as he picked up the pace. "Just shut up, for once, will you?"

Alexei bit his tongue and hurried to catch up with Tide as he walked down a gloomy and snaking trail off Columbus Avenue. Muggs followed uneasily behind them, not bothering to match their speed, impatiently craning his neck into the darkness.

As the three turned into the meadows of Central Park, their presence alerted a panicked pack of coyotes who ran off into the dark past them. As the two young men ventured into the park, Muggs opted to wait for them on the street.

"Are you sure he's even here?" Alexei asked Tide, who brushed past him and forged ahead onto the path.

"He used to come here all the time," Tide answered without looking back. He seemed years older than 21, like he'd seen enough for a thousand lifetimes. He looked around anxiously as Alexei followed him, fighting off his own drug-induced state, trying to sober up with deep breaths of fresh air.

Suddenly the radiance of moonlight allowed Tide a view of fingers over the back of a bench, followed by a hand, then an arm, and then a shoulder. Tide squinted, identifying the gangly silhouette of his best friend stretched out on the bench, staring up at the stars.

"Grim," Tide murmured, followed by a deep breath as he inched closer to him.

Grim was giggling, a hushed and thoughtless chuckle with his eyes shut.

"Miles." Tide walked up to the other side of the bench, leaning over it. "Miles," he echoed a bit louder, strength in his tone. He could see Grim's face, and Grim squinted up at him, a confused but comfortable grin on his face. Tide's breathing hitched when he discovered Grim had been weeping, the sullied tear tracks down his cheeks gleaming under the moon.

"Tide," Grim welcomed him before shutting his eyes again, his dizzy laughing relentless, like a child being tickled. "I think God did us a great disservice when he left opium out of the Torah."

Tide could tell something was wrong.

He shifted, blocking the moonlight from Grim's face. He could smell the opium on his clothes, his hair. "Get up," he said softly, his voice lacking the seriousness it had earlier. There were many questions he wanted to ask in that instant, but he counted to ten in his mind instead. Gradually, he extended his hand for Grim to take as he opened his red eyes again with more pointless loops of breathy giggles.

"Get up, we gotta go," Tide said, maintaining his cool resolve as Grim took his hand, and Tide fought to pull him to his feet. Grim stumbled upright, shaking noticeably, and Alexei clutched his shoulder to stabilize him as they headed out of the park.

Alexei slightly shoved Grim toward the street where Muggs met them, taking in his state. After the other two emerged, Alexei looked over at Grim who had grabbed Tide's hand limply, allowing himself to be pulled along.

"Where are we taking him?" Alexei asked Tide who paused for a moment to think.

"Well, I ain't bringing him to the lodging house like this," Tide said. "We'll have to crash at your place, if that's okay."

"That's fine."

"Alexei, be honest. This ain't just opium," Tide said, struggling to pull Grim up as he collapsed to the ground again. "What else did he take?"

Alexei exchanged a look with Muggs. "Oh, just like…I don't know…12 shots of vodka…in half an hour?"

"Jesus Christ," Tide spat, knowing Grim rarely ever drank. "Did he have a death wish?"

Grim followed the conversation, groaned a little, and started humming to himself. He cocked his head somewhat and seemed to realize Muggs was among them for the first time. With a scowl, he muttered in disgust, "Why are you here? Ain't you supposed to be kidnapping newsgirls?"

"Easy," Alexei said, helping Tide pull Grim up.

The den above the dive on Water Street was calm and silent by 3 in the morning, roughly two hours later. Tide stood in the main room, pouring himself and Alexei a shot of vodka, his hand nervously trembling as he emptied the remaining contents from the bottle. Attempting to soothe himself, he took his shot right away, ignoring the way his head pounded. He carried the other glass to the rickety table where Alexei and Muggs sat quietly, gazing out the dark window.

"You drinking?" Tide asked Muggs.

"Nah," he replied, his voice softer than the gruff tone he normally had.

"Where's Colleen?" Tide tried to make small talk.

Alexei nodded to the hallway. "She's staying at Elena's."

Grim could be heard shuffling about in the back room, having woken up from his brief nap. He'd passed out almost immediately when they got him through the door – only for an hour, but anything was better than having him awake in that state. He appeared seconds later in the doorway, shaggy hair mussed, shirtless and wearing his trousers, the top two buttons undone, the waistband of his long underwear visible. It was unclear if he'd sobered up in that time. Highly unlikely, but he seemed to be a bit more grounded.

"Alexei, I don't know how you do it," Grim said, his words a little incoherent, as he swiftly hobbled over to where the Russian sat, giving him a lazy arm tap before sitting down next to him. "I can't keep up with that."

Alexei nodded, patting Grim's hand as if the gesture were foreign to him and glancing at Tide.

Tide leaned his back against the wall, holding Alexei's gaze for a second and then looked down.

"Hey, man, you really scared us back there." Alexei said in a quieter voice than anticipated as he nudged Grim. "That's it."

Tide set down his glass. "Anything could've happened. You didn't tell anyone where you were going or when you'd be back. And then we find you by yourself and drunk in a park at one in the morning."

"Am I not a role model anymore?" Grim asked quietly. "Thank God. The pressure was starting to get to me."

Muggs glared at the table. Alexei cleared his throat to break up the confrontation, though it didn't do much good. "Tide, that's enough."

"This ain't like you at all. What if a cop found you instead us? We just escaped a noose and now you're a fugitive caught in a park after hours, with opium and vodka for blood. How would that go down? You can't be so selfish, Grim. Think of your kid," Tide said, coming around the other side of the table, tossing his hands in the air in frustration. "Henry didn't know where you were, so he came to me crying, all upset. Saying 'my daddy didn't come home, does that mean he doesn't want me.'"

Grim sluggishly rose from his chair, the legs cutting back against the floor. "I messed up, I know. I'm sorry. It won't happen again," Grim said, attempting to regain some dignity. "But how come when I screw up it's the end of the world, but when he does something unforgivable, we all just look the other way?" Grim turned to glare at Muggs, his blue eyes blackening with denunciation. "Tide, you don't even know that half of it."

Muggs raised his eyes to Grim, looking puzzled and curious at the same time. "Grim, what—"

"He never gets held accountable." Grim gave a tired chuckle and shifted his weary eyes to meet Tide's worried ones. "I'm sorry, I'm just...it's been a long day.""

Tide looked from Grim to Muggs to Alexei. "What? What are you going on about? What happened?"

"Alright, let's stay focused on one thing at a time," Alexei said in a frantic effort to maintain peace before Pandora's box was opened. "It's my fault, really. I let him smoke with me. It was my opium, my vodka. I shouldn't have let him get so—"

"Alexei, shut up!" Tide snapped, putting his hands on his temples, feeling a migraine coming on.

Alexei trailed off, sitting back, and running a hand through his hair in frustration. "Muggs, what is Grim talking about? What did you do?"

Muggs groaned, rolling his eyes indignantly. "Sure, it's always me, ain't it? Someone's life is fucked up, so I must be behind it. Grim's the hero, and I'm the villain."

"I didn't say that," Alexei stopped him. "I'm just confused."

"I don't know what he means," Muggs replied tightly, shrugging. "I ain't seen him in a few weeks. He ain't making sense. He's obviously still drunk." He glared at Grim, tilting his head as if daring Grim to go on.

"I suppose I'm just venting." Grim appeared to shut down. He peered down at the table, his chest rising and falling as he took deep breaths. "It ain't Alexei's fault, either. I knew better."

Tide and Alexei swapped a look, sensing there was something going unsaid.

"I can't handle more secrets," Tide said, attempting to gather his thoughts. "God, it's like we're in the Refuge again, making cloak and dagger deals with Snyder." He looked at Grim, shaking his head. "I just can't…I can't do it anymore."

"Henry was beaten by his foster family. Out west. I've seen the scars on his back," Grim blurted quietly. "Doc said they'll heal with time. But…they hurt my baby."

Tide stood there stunned at Grim's words, and Alexei stood up so unexpectedly it made Muggs flinch.

"Henry has started talking about it," Grim continued shakily. "And when I showed him my back…you know, from Snyder's goddamn switch…Henry asked if my Papa whipped me, too…for crying or wetting the bed."

"Christ," Tide sighed, struggling to form a sentence. "I had no idea. He's just a kid."

Grim looked from Alexei to Muggs, a distorted expression of distrust on his face. "Just a kid," he repeated, having a dark epiphany of sorts. "That's what Colleen is. What those girls are that you trade for your opium, your cocaine," he said, shooting Muggs an accusatory glare. "Have you changed at all? Learned anything from all the shit we've been through? After what happened to Colleen?"

Alexei and Tide sat in confusion, desperately trying to understand the riddles behind his speech. This was not the time for one of Grim's teachable moments.

Muggs exhaled a laugh through his nose, silently livid. "Wow," he muttered as he gazed at his boots, raising his eyebrows and nodding. "You know what, you are so sick for bringing my sister into this. You're so sick!"

Grim glared at him. "I'm sick? Since when did you start caring about her?"

Muggs rolled his eyes, a skeptical smirk on his face. "Fine, Grim, I don't give a shit about Colleen, apparently. Is that what you want to hear?"

"Muggs," Tide cut him off, shaking his head but the two only seemed to get angrier.

"You don't give a shit about anyone. Except yourself," Grim snarled.

Muggs shrugged. "Okay."

"Both of you, stop it." Tide waved his hands, getting ignored again.

Grim kept his eyes locked on Muggs. "She told me you made her turn tricks after you got kicked out of the lodging house. Then you'd take her money. But when you realized how much you could make shanghaiing, you cut her loose. Not that it mattered, she still went out of her way to get you cocaine in the Refuge. Found her once in Snyder's office, helped her clean up what she spilled. We might've both been caught."

Muggs blew out a dry laugh in disbelief, running a hand over his eyes. "That supposed to make me feel bad, Krause? I did more for her than either of our folks ever did."

"You don't feel bad. That's a scary thought." Grim folded his arms. "What I wouldn't give to be numb…to be heartless like you. To not feel. Those tears in the alley. In front of me, in front of Jack and Doc. Were those even real? Because after you picked my pocket while you were supposedly crying, you disappeared. Didn't even bother to check on her after that."

Muggs didn't reply.

"Muggs!" Grim yelled, snapping Muggs' eyes to his. "Answer me!"

Shaking his head, Muggs replied in a low voice, "No."

"No, what?"

"No, they weren't real." Muggs looked Grim in eye. "I was out of cocaine. You had cash. Crying over Colleen was a good excuse." He sniffled, his expression blank. "If it makes you feel any better, Grim…I stole dough from Colleen, too."

It was too honest for Grim's liking. Tide looked unnerved. Alexei didn't seem all that rattled, just dejected.

In a flash, Tide watched Grim lunge at Muggs, and then in the next second, Alexei had rushed over to pull Grim back. He struggled to separate the two.

Grim feverishly tried to break from Alexei's grip, Muggs' shirt still balled in his hand as Alexei held his arms.

Muggs shook his head. "Just let him go, Alexei!" He urged while Tide stood there, mouth open as he backed away.

"Enough, all of you! Stop it!" Tide yelled.

Grim broke free, crashing against the table and massaging his left bicep where Alexei had roughly pulled him.

"You're as crazy as your Blackwell Island mommy," Muggs said. "Leaving Henry all alone. Abandoning him to get wasted."

"Don't talk about my kid," Grim seethed.

Alexei wiped his sweaty face. "Muggs is right. You can't be leaving Henry alone."

"Are you actually giving me parenting advice right now?" Grim mumbled. "You ain't even a father."

Alexei folded his arms and closed his eyes tiredly. If only that were true. Grim and the others were in for a surprise, though he decided now wasn't the time. Hell, he wished Elena hadn't ever told him.

Tide scratched the back of his neck. "Grim, what happened to Henry is horrible. I don't know how I would've dealt with finding all that out. But he needs you more than ever. It ain't worth trying to drown the pain."

Grim placed a hand to his head, his mind spinning. "Ten …" was all he said.

Tide cocked his head. "What—"

"Ten odd years!" Grim exploded, pointing a finger sharply at himself and then at Tide. "I can't get those back, Tide. Gone. Wasted. Taken away." He sank into a chair, his eyes welling with tears. "I was in the Refuge the longest. Jack, Michael, Lorenzo, Eli, Stefano, Zefiro…Do you know why I bothered to learn all their names, the first day they were brought in with handcuffs? After being scared out of their minds. It's because I wanted them to know they were still someone! That place took away my identity, my pride, my girlfriend, my baby, everything! I didn't want that to happen to the rest of you!"

The three other young men stood in utter silence as Grim caught his breath, the room twirling wildly and the universe slowing at the same time.

"And they're all the same. Innocent, full of hope. A few weeks in, and they're broken," Grim continued. "All of you…coming to me. Crying. Vomiting. Bleeding. Dying. Having withdrawals from God knows what…begging me for food, for protection, for your goddamn mothers. Wishing for death. Fucked up thing is, I was already dead when I met most of you. Do you know how hungry I was, how scared I was, how badly I wanted my mother?"

Muggs studied the empty bottle of vodka, spinning it on the table obsessively during Grim's rant.

Tide watched Grim carefully, too stunned to speak, but looking as though he wanted to say something.

"Watching No Name lose his mind. Wondering if Calico's lungs would fail him in the middle of the night. Talking you off a ledge every fucking week," Grim said to Tide, beginning to wipe at his tears. "It ain't fair," he said, shaking his head. "I took the fall for all the bullshit. Every time. For everyone. For you," he said, nodding at Muggs and Alexei. "For Jack."

Muggs shrugged, looking uneasy. "Well, we were just kids…"

"So was I!" Grim shouted, the hurt evident in his voice.

No one said anything for a few seconds.

"That's right, you were," Alexei said in a more subdued tone. "I don't know. I guess…you always seemed a lot older."

Tide helped himself to a half-gone bottle of whiskey on a shelf, not receiving any objection from either resident.

"We're fucked up," Grim said, giving Tide a depleted look. "We're all so fucked up. And no one cares. Long as we suffer in silence, stay out of high society's way, keep our mouths shut, be good little boys…we can salvage what's left of our lives."

Tide was still speechless, so Alexei spoke, calmer than he'd been. "Long as the Refuge is in business, we won't have much of a life."

"It ain't just the fuckin' Refuge," Muggs mumbled. "It's Snyder."

"I'm done." Grim said quietly, rubbing his head as he took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, but I'm getting too tired. Too old."

With that, Grim got up and headed for the door.

"Grim, wait. Where are you going?" Alexei called after him.

"The lodging house," he said, his voice more resigned. He paused, looking over his shoulder. "Henry needs me."

And then he was gone.

Alexei stared numbly at the floor, grasping the back of a chair. He glanced at Tide, who looked faraway. Tide covered his mouth with a hand, slinking onto the floor, and sitting against the wall.

Muggs collapsed into a chair, putting his head in his hands. "Actually, Tide, I will have something to drink," he muttered, taking a long sip out of the same whiskey bottle Tide had.

Alexei stood up eventually and walked to Tide, helping him stand and steadying him. "Logan," he said, hugging him the way he had Jack in solitary. "Take a deep breath," he echoed, trying to leave any ounce of panic out of his voice. "Just breathe."

Tide let Alexei hold him for a second and then broke away as tears threatened to pour from his own eyes. He stared with lost eyes at the place where Grim had stood. "I can't," he said, choking over his words, horrified at seeing his best friend so torn up.