"So be the Qyss of longing,
if you wish. As for me
I like to be loved as I am
not as a color photo
in the paper, or as an idea
composed in a poem amid the stags …
I hear Laila's faraway scream
from the bedroom: Do not leave me
a prisoner of rhyme in the tribal nights
do not leave me to them as news …
I am a woman, no more and no less."
— Mahmoud Darwish, No More and No Less (2008)
Chapter 7: No more than I am
"What properties does a bezoar have?"
"Explain the effects of the Wolfsbane potion."
"What are the three main ingredients to the Wiggenweld Potion?"
Now, Mae believed that she, deep down, was fond of Potions. One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi had been one of the first books on the curriculum that she had devoured and found most fascinating, often leafing through it in the common room from time to time. Flora, and nature in general, had always interested her. The one redeeming quality of St. Jude's had been its proximity to nature and growing up Mae had often found herself making up adventures with all that nature could offer, rather than playing with the other orphans. So when she, in a magical context, stumbled upon flowers she had picked and smelled, and when she recognized the description of certain rocks or leaves it deeply, deeply captivated her. To discover that she had always had access to things of which she could use to create a brew that healed bruises? Incredible. Still.
Still, Potions was not a lesson she looked forward to. For quite a long list of reasons.
One reason was that the stuffy, dark classroom where the lessons were held often left her with headaches due to the strong scents always lingering in the air. Another was that they had their Potions lessons first thing on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, making it the first lesson of the day and Mae's brain was usually not quite awake at that point. Above all other reasons, however, was the fact that she simply did not like her Potions professor, professor Snape. From day one, he made her uncomfortable and nervous. Granted, the latter was true for all her teachers. Nonetheless, the pale man had eyes that seemed to be perpetually narrowed and the only smiles he managed were condescending smirks. Not even his favoured Slytherins got true smiles, because they were always given in the context of putting someone or other down. Which Mae did not believe could ever constitute true enjoyment.
Worst of all was his overall treatment of the students. He did not hold back on insults and seemed to have no patience or tolerance for mistakes. It made the lessons a one-and-a-half hour long terror for Mae, who was already wary of making mistakes. Fortunately, she had yet to be on the receiving end of professor Snape's temper, as she was a naturally unassuming person. The only time she was in the spotlight — this included other classes — was if Zaïf did something when Mae was with her, or the occasional times the professors would pay attention to Sebastian. Even then, though, there were passing glances at best. Only professor Flitwick had given her any direct attention, really, which was unsurprising as he was her head of house.
"He's brutal," Zaïf muttered under her breath, smart enough to time it so it would be impossible for anyone but Mae — who was seated right next to her, as they were partners — to hear. "Like, brutally brutal."
Mae, who had been careful to keep her eyes on the Wiggenweld Potion they were trying to make, glanced up towards the front of the classroom where professor Snape was humiliating a Hufflepuff boy.
"He's a bully," Mae replied, swallowing dryly. It always felt like there was a rock in her stomach whenever they had Potions. Last week she had even had a nightmare about professor Snape using her as an ingredient, all the while chastising her for the way she struggled when he stirred her around in the cauldron. The memory made her shiver and she looked back down at her and Zaïf's potion.
"I hear it's pandemonium during the Slytherin and Gryffindor lessons," Zaïf said. "Thank Merlin we're paired with Hufflepuff. Can you imagine? Absolutely horrifying."
Mae had to agree; neither Slytherin or Gryffindor seemed like a good house to be paired with in Potions. The rash, reckless Gryffindors would surely stir the pot, so to speak, more than any other house. And the Slytherins would only put them at more of a disadvantage as Professor Snape blatantly played favorites. Not that he was the only one, what with Professor McGonagall and the Gryffindors… Although she was much more subtle and fair about it. Professor Flitwick and Professor Sprout were great heads of houses, in her opinion, because they never seemed to act partially in favour of their own respective house. Flitwick treated everyone much the same (patiently and with cheerfulness in abundance) and Sprout was completely neutral, neither in favour or actively against anyone. In fact, their Herbology teacher seemed decidedly on Team Plants before anything else, often more careful to keep her plants out of harm's way than her students. Rai had, five weeks into the semester, cut himself on one of the cutters and Professor Sprout had prioritized making sure he didn't bleed all over her Fluxweeds before she sent him to the Hospital Wing. So the herbology teacher was perhaps a bit more eccentric than the other professors — Mae's friends stubbornly continued to not like Flower Eating Sprout — but no one could blame the witch for playing favourites.
"For all of you who have yet to add Honey water," Professor Snape's voice called out loudly over the noise of cauldrons being stirred. "Pack up your things. You are dismissed and shall lose one point each for failing to successfully brew the simplest potion I will ever allow in my classroom."
Mae and Zaïf looked around the classroom, both holding their breaths. They had just added a few more drops of boom berry juice, which came after the honey water, thankfully, so they were in the clear. However, as they watched their fellow first years the same could not be said for the majority of the class. Out of roughly thirty students, half were packing up their things, all of them Hufflepuff students who looked torn between ashamed disappointment and relief. Mae didn't blame them; losing points was, of course, mortifying, but so was running the risk of Snape's sharp tongue.
Without meaning to, she glanced over her shoulder, just to make sure, and was relieved but not surprised to see that Rai and Sebastian had remained. Quickly she turned back to stir the Wiggenweld one last time before letting it sit for thirty minutes. Her throat felt tight and she knew her anxieties couldn't be exclusively blamed on Snape and his harsh methodology — not when she had felt awful everyday for a week, and she only had Potions two days a week.
"If you clean up the utensils, I'll get rid of the leftover ingredients," Zaïf declared, unaware of Mae's conflicted inner turmoil.
That's not to say Zaïf was unaware of the situation which had emerged between Mae and Sebastian. No, that was something that had not escaped neither her nor Rai. Since Hallowe'en it had become blatantly clear that Mae and Sebastian had fallen out, what with Sebastian completely avoiding her. Previous seating arrangements had changed to him sitting either with Rai or someone else, but never with Mae. Something Zaïf had been happy about, sort of, especially in Transfiguration because Mae was a natural and Zaïf was… well, not. However, Zaïf wasn't callous enough not to be bothered by the clear rift between the two former friends, especially when it was clear that Mae was unhappy about it. When Zaïf had tried to figure out what had happened, though, Mae had been tight-lipped, blaming it on "drifting apart".
Which was ridiculous because up until a week ago, Zaïf had been downright jealous of the clear and strong friendship between Mae and Sebastian. Even a bit miffed at their inside jokes. Sebastian had been Mae's first friend in the magical world (in either world, really) and that was something Zaïf knew she could never compete with. And she accepted that and moved on. Which was why she found the abrupt end to the friendship suspicious and strange, but not something she was willing to poke at just yet. It was still a raw and sensitive wound, and Mae was not the most open and forthcoming person. Mae was, emotionally, the strangest person Zaïf had ever met and she was smart enough to know not to push things. Yet.
That didn't mean Zaïf didn't want to. She was one day of Mae sulking in the library away from staging an intervention. Whatever had happened, she was dying to not only know about it, but also to fix it. Sebastian Ollivander may be a grumpy, rude boy to her but to Mae he had been a good mate and Zaïf knew Mae deserved good mates in abundance.
"Want to go see how the boys are doing?" Zaïf asked casually, glancing discreetly to catch Mae's reaction.
"I'm not finished, but you go ahead," Mae mumbled, looking like someone had stuffed pixies in her socks. She was taking her time Scourgifying every measurement cup and knife they had used.
Holding in a sigh, Zaïf shrugged. "Nevermind. I'm sure they're fine. They're still here, aren't they?"
Mae hummed in measured agreement. She knew Zaïf was itching to figure out and fix the out-of-the-blue end of her and Sebastian's friendship. A part of her wanted to allow it, whilst the other wanted to continue to ignore it and keep everything about the Incident locked in a little box inside her chest. Involving Zaïf in her business with Sebastian had been what led to the situation in the first place. Of course, she didn't want to tell Zaïf that, knowing it would probably make her friend feel terrible. Not that Mae thought Zaïf was in any way to blame — it had been Mae who had asked for information on Sebastian's family, behind his back. The fault was hers and hers alone.
"You know," Zaïf said quietly, nudging Mae with an elbow. Looking up from over-cleaning the supplies, she met Zaïf's soft, sympathetic eyes. "You don't have to tell me, but if you should want to… well, I'm here, and I'm all ears. And if I can help, I will."
Mae felt the corner of her mouth turn up in a sad but genuinely appreciative smile. For all the chaotic wildness of Zaïf's personality, there was no doubt the girl was incredibly good at being a friend. Not that she was in any way, shape or form an expert in friendships, but she suspected she had truly hit the jackpot in being sorted into Ravenclaw and into the same sphere as the Kandemir girl.
"Thanks," Mae said, trying to convey how bone-achingly grateful she was in tone and expression. "I really-"
"I believe I've made it abundantly clear that frivolous chit-chat is not tolerated inside these walls," a cutting, deeply unimpressed voice snarled. Mae froze and turned forward where professor Snape had come to stand right in front of their desk, sneering down at them. "Clean your mess instead of disturbing my lesson. Five points from Ravenclaw."
He was gone as fast as he had appeared, yet Mae could not move a muscle. The interruption had completely blind-sided her and being addressed by Snape for the first time — especially in such a hostile manner — without having been prepared for it, stunned her.
"Wart-head," Zaïf grumbled under her breath, glaring after their professor who had moved to the front again, already hovering over another pair of students.
"Did-" Mae turned to Zaïf, eyes wide and horrified. "Did we just lose house points?"
"We," Zaïf said fiercely, still glaring at Snape. "Didn't do anything. He's just looking to dock points off us because no Ravenclaws left earlier."
"I-I've never-" Mae had yet to get a reprimand from a single teacher so far, much less lose house points, and could not stop her eyes from watering.
"Oi, Lind, Kandemir."
The desk to their left seated two of their fellow Ravenclaws, Emile Walden and Patrick Müller. They were the first of the other first years in their house to address her and Zaïf since being sorted. Their fellow Ravenclaws (sans Rai and Sebastian) usually kept to themselves and each other. Mae had not and did not mind that, so far.
"What?" Zaïf bit out, a little impatient.
"Don't mind that absolute wanker," Müller said, leaning over his desk with his arms crossed, whilst Walden sat upright. That way, both boys had a perfect view of them, and vice versa. Mae was surprised to see the boys look upset, especially because it didn't look, or sound, as if it was directed at them. "You didn't even do anything."
"Meanwhile," Walden chipped in, throwing a scathing glare towards the front of the room. "The Slytherins could blow up the classroom and he'd give them points for it."
"Yeah. And anyway, don't beat yourself up about it, alright? It was completely unfair."
Mae found herself too stunned to respond, something Zaïf, decidedly, was not.
"Yeah, we're not worried. We'll make up for it in Transfiguration later. McGonagall's got a soft spot for Mae."
Walden and Müller responded to Zaïf's conspiratorial grin with grins of their own. Which was the extent of what they dared to share with each other for the rest of the lesson, though Mae got the distinct feeling that had it been any other class, with any other teacher, they might have struck up more of a conversation with their fellow Ravenclaws. It certainly looked that way from how Walden and Müller continued to send them non-verbal responses, like the aforementioned grins, or rolling their eyes at one of Snape's insults. Perhaps over two months into her time at Hogwarts was the kind of pace Mae needed to explore the expansion of her acquaintances. Müller and Walden were clearly nice people, and she also — not that she put too much weight on these matters, really — believed them to share her Muggle world-background. So far, her only friends had been Purebloods, who of course had taught her a great deal, but she often found herself feeling… misplaced. Lacking. Sometimes even a little dumb, for not understanding a reference or making a reference no one else understood.
Of course, Sebastian had showed himself quite prepared to discreetly explain things when such situations arose. But now? It did not seem like Sebastian was going to be explaining what a Howler could entail anytime soon, judging from his week of radio silence. Perhaps it would be a good distraction for her, exploring the possibility of engaging with other people, as to not think about her failing friendship with the first person she had ever considered a friend.
Zaïf seemed to think so, too, as she immediately went to strike up a conversation with Müller and Walden as they exited the Potions classroom.
"Merlin, he seemed annoyed, didn't he?" Zaïf asked, easily falling into step with the two boys as everyone piled out into the corridor. Mae awkwardly walked half a step behind her, but close enough to be seen as part of the conversation she hoped. "Like he wanted to find a way to punish us for not messing up the Wiggenweld."
"Oh, definitely," Walden scoffed. "He's not interested in teaching us a bloody thing."
"He's like the mean version of Sprout," Müller muttered and was met by agreeable laughter. Well, not from Mae, who didn't think it was fair to compare professor Sprout to Snape whatsoever. "Neither should be a teacher, but at least Sprout doesn't actively try to discourage us. She just doesn't care."
"Oh, careful," Zaïf said with a grin, looking over her shoulder at Mae. "Mae actually likes Sprout. Says she's— what's that you say? Something about a good personality."
"She's nice," Mae mumbled, half-defensively, half-doubtful, not at all comfortable with the spotlight that was now on her. For a split second, she wished Sebastian was there. He always managed to jump in and distract everyone from her. "She's just…"
"Has her head in the clouds?" Müller suggested.
"Wish McGonagall had her head in the clouds sometimes," Zaïf sighed longingly. "Now that's someone who aggressively encourages learning. At least Flitwick demands excellence with a smile, not the sharpest glare known to wizardkind."
For all the complaints Zaïf made about McGonagall — or school in general — Mae knew her friend's attitude wasn't nearly as at odds with any of it deep down. Sure, she would roll her eyes at Mae's eagerness to spend a Saturday in the library, but Zaïf had yet to not join her.
Müller and Walden stuck with them for the rest of the day and Mae tentatively enjoyed their presence. She found out that her suspicions had been correct in believing them to be Muggleborn; she even dared to tell them that she had noticed them share the same horrified expression as her during Dumbledore's introduction to Hogwarts, where the Headmaster had spoken of the Forbidden Forest and giant squids.
"I'd read about it in Hogwarts: a history but didn't like to hear it actually confirmed in, you know, real life," Walden said, and she, Müller and him had shared an agreeable 'this-is-all-insane'-kind of look. Zaïf had, for the first time in Mae's presence, been the odd one out.
Transfiguration went surprisingly well, at least in regards to being distracted from noticing the missing presence of Sebastian next to her. Zaïf, Walden and Müeller were entertaining with their mutual aversion to the subject, teasing Mae (good-naturedly, she had come to recognize) when Professor McGonagall came over and complimented her on her mostly successful attempts at transfiguring a mouse into a cup. At the end of the lesson, Ravenclaw had earned back the points Professor Snape had taken.
"Thank God it's Friday," Müller announced as he slumped down in his seat at supper. Quite organically, the newly formed foursome had just stuck together throughout the day and so it didn't feel strange to share a meal with the two boys now. In fact, Mae was excited — she found that she really liked them. Walden with his dry wit and Müller with his unexpectedly large personality.
"It's Thursday," Zaïf pointed out mildly, buttering a piece of baguette to dip in her tomato soup.
"Paddy says it at every school day's end. It's better to just humour him I've come to realize."
"It's about the vibe. Friday's just another word for the end of work, da's says," Müller explained diplomatically, unwavering in his own logic.
"What does your father do?"
"Construction worker, based in London. Ma's a primary school teacher — she's a bit miffed she won't be able to help me with homework anymore."
"Primary school? What's that?"
Hearing Müller explain the Muggle education system forced Mae to remember that she had done the very same for Sebastian on the Hogwarts Express, telling him all about her previous education. Something she was not alone in remembering, apparently.
"Oh, right, yeah — Seb told me about that. He mentioned you'd gone to one of those, right, Mae?" Zaïf brought up, instantly causing a tension in Mae's shoulders that translated poorly to the, so far, relaxed dinner conversation. Humming in agreement, she wished for the topic to be quickly glossed over, but had — of course — no such luck. Walden jumped on it immediately.
"By the way, what's that about? Didn't you two and Ollivander hang out all the time? What happened?"
Zaïf took that bullet, glancing over at Mae from the corner of her eyes, then fixed her face in a nonchalant, cheerful expression.
"Nothing happened, Miss Skeeter, no need to make it sound so bloody dramatic."
"Not friends anymore?" Walden continued to press, ignoring yet another reference he did not understand. Despite him being quite innocent and mild in tone, Mae felt a sudden annoyance towards him. It really wasn't any of his, or anyone else's business. She cleared her throat.
"We've just drifted apart."
Shrugging, she looked down at her soup and refused to show any interest in continuing the subject. They must have taken the hint because Zaïf was quick to move onto Flitwick's newest assignment. Dinner ended on not quite the same high note it had started on, but it had been salvaged by Zaïf's stubbornness and the boys' cluelessness.
Rising from their seats, another awkward curve ball was thrown their way in the form of Rai descending upon his sister, frantically asking her if she had told their mother about his incident yesterday with a dungbomb and one of the school owls. As Zaïf denied being a tattle-tale, and Walden and Müller looking on in clear amusement, Mae was unexpectedly caught up in the stare of the boy who had accompanied Rai over to their table. Sebastian, for the first time in a week, was not actively avoiding her gaze and she had no idea how to handle it. So, she simply stared back.
"Why are you bothering with pointing the finger at me when the real culprit is ridiculously easy to identify, hm?" Zaïf asked, exasperation clear in her voice as she linked arms with Mae in a visible display of getting ready to leave not only the Great Hall, but also the conversation. "Who likes being the biggest tattle-tale known to man? Who has more contact with the elders in our family than with his peers? And, pray tell, who sees it as his goal in life to make sure we — and especially you, the bane of his existence — suffer greatly?"
Rai's face went slack with realization before he gazed off into space, muttering under his breath, "Khalil."
The resolution to the mystery tattle-tale ended the conversation, but began another. Exiting the Great Hall, Mae watched Zaïf's wild body language as she started telling them about her and the rest of their cousins' relationship to Khalil, their Ravenclaw prefect. She made it sound like a grand rivalry. It was in quite an animated manner that she attempted to paint a vivid picture of the time her cousin Parvati convinced another one of their older, of-age cousins to Disillusion her in order to sneak into Khalil's bedroom. Rai was laughing along, adding small but hilarious quips to the story. Next to him walked Sebastian, putting him on the far left end of their little group, whilst Mae was on the far right, next to a laughing Walden. Just as Zaïf told of Parvati successfully getting out of Khalil's room with the prefect badge, Mae found herself walking straight into a wall, having been completely engrossed in the story.
"Oh, shi- I mean, sorry," the wall said and — although one could never be sure with Hogwarts — Mae realized that she had not actually walked into a talking stone wall, but into a human being. A human being she recognized as Harry Potter, her staircase-rescuer.
"Sorry," she felt her face grow pale, even though she had been electrified with embarrassment. "I'm sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going."
"Me neither, obviously," he said with a kind grin, turning back to his friends to continue to head up the stairs. However, just as he was about to turn, he frowned and something shifted in his eyes, something akin to recognition. "Mae Lind!"
If Mae had looked next to her, she would have seen Zaïf's mouth fall open and Rai's eyes go wide as saucers. Even Sebastian looked a bit startled, whereas Müller and Walden only shared a confused look between each other. What Mae could see, on the other hand, was the view of Harry Potter's two friends, a boy and a girl. They had turned back to watch the interaction, both of them looking mildly curious. The girl, Mae recognized, was the very same girl who had once helped her get a book off the shelf in the library.
"How's the foot? Did Pomfrey fix it alright?" Potter asked and Mae nodded gingerly. "Ah, well, brilliant. Good to hear it. Again, sorry for crashing into you, Lind."
"No, that's- I'm sorry, too," she managed, giving a one-armed shrug. Potter laughed lightly.
"Right, then, I'll see you around."
And with that, the whole interaction was over. Quite undramatically, really; the whole thing had lasted about a minute. Mae thought it unexpected but on the whole, just a random, short encounter. That, of course, was not a view shared by her friends.
"What in the-" Zaïf grabbed Mae's arm and spun her around to face her. Her friends had ended up behind her and as she was turned, she was met by ten eyes staring at her. "You just know Harry Potter now? When did this happen? What-"
"I-'' Mae looked between the stares and felt her cheeks colour. "Erm, I don't know him. He just- He was the one who helped me get out of the staircase on Hallowe'en."
"And you didn't think that was, like, an interesting enough little detail to mention? That Harry bloody Potter came to your rescue?"
Zaïf's voice was loud enough that it echoed in the hall and that made Mae's cheeks even pinker. Feeling a little cornered, she looked around her as if searching for an escape, and vaguely noticed that Harry Potter and his friends were halfway up the stairs. Meaning: they were definitely in earshot. God, this is embarrassing, she thought painfully.
"Will you stop shouting, Kandemir? You're being dramatic." Sebastian said from beside Rai.
"I'm-" Zaïf cut herself off, as if her ears had picked up the volume she was using. Lowering her voice considerably, Zaïf rolled her eyes. "Merlin, you'll put me in an early grave, Mae."
"I wasn't trying to keep it a secret or anything," Mae insisted, shifting uncomfortably on her feet. They were still staring at her; Walden and Müller looking a little awkward themselves. They, too, didn't seem to fully grasp the excitement surrounding Harry Potter. "I just- I didn't think it was important."
"Didn't think it was important," Zaïf repeated under her breath, sounding absolutely disbelieving.
"I can't believe you picked someone who has absolutely no interest in drama to be your best mate, Z," Rai said, looking a mix between incredulous and deeply, deeply amused. "Peak irony."
"Shut up, Rai."
"I'm just saying."
"Er," Müller quipped from the very back where he stood next to Walden. He had his thumb hiked over his shoulder. "Are we going to stand here all night, or are we heading up? That summary of the Goblin Wars isn't going to write itself."
Mae wholeheartedly agreed, both because it really wasn't going to write itself, but she also wanted to move past the dramatics of the innocent encounter with Harry Potter. Zaïf looked like she was itching to not move past it, but in a surprising twist, Rai came to Mae's rescue.
"Oi, by the way," Rai said suddenly, looking between Walden and Müller, then his sister and Mae. "When did this happen?"
"Potions. Bonding over what a dickface Snape is," Zaïf summarized quickly. "D'you know each other? Emile, Patrick, this is Rai, my idiot brother, and Sebastian, my idiot cousin. Idiots, this is Emile and Patrick."
The walk up to the tower was more comfortable than Mae would have guessed. Rai quickly took to Walden and Müller and vice versa. Worth pointing out was that the topic of discussion was Snape, which in all honesty was hard not to bond over as everyone seemed unanimous in their loathing. Whilst the Kandemirs, Walden and Müller held a steady stream of banter all the way up to the Tower, Mae and Sebastian were on the outskirts, listening and avoiding each other's gazes again. She was conflicted; the eye contact before had not been hostile or even that awkward, but rather… tentatively assessing. He had not looked at her with pure hatred or revulsion, and he had told Zaïf off like he used to, earlier. Did that mean he was on the verge of forgiving and forgetting, or just that he couldn't muster up the energy to visibly hate her?
She was struck by — as they all sat down, all six of them, at one of the tables in the common room — that the only way she would get her answers would be to ask him. Which she absolutely did not want to because that was not how she operated. She didn't do confrontations; she just let things be, and never ever willingly put herself in a position of discomfort. Both of them were obviously skilled at ignoring each other and, as the evening passed, they turned out to be equally talented at ignoring each other whilst being in each other's company. Their impromptu study group went brilliant, with everybody seemingly getting along splendidly. Sebastian even spent five minutes explaining the structure of the Ministry of Magic to Walden and Müller without displaying too much boredom. By the end of it, everyone had their essays finished and were making plans to meet up for breakfast.
So, Mae made a split decision; her stomach exploding with anxiety and courage simultaneously.
"Sebastian?"
Her voice was small and hesitant, but enough. He paused mid-way of gathering his things, leaned over the table and not lifting his head as he fixed her with a stare. A small victory, she supposed, was that he had not ignored her.
"Can I talk to you? I-" She swallowed, clutching her homework tighter to her chest. "That is, if you have a moment."
Leaving his books and parchment be, he straightened and looked her fully in the eyes. A miniscule shrug and a nod was his response and Mae felt a rush of relief and dread. Now what?
Meanwhile, no one seemed to be paying them any mind either. Rai was actually too busy dragging Walden and Müller towards the dorms as he continued to tell them about the time he got lost in his grandfather's portmanteau. Zaïf was also in the process of heading to the dorms, suspiciously not giving Mae or Sebastian so much as a glance. In fact, she was completely ignoring them.
"Er, right, well," she looked around a little frantically, trying to figure out how to go about her impulsive plan. The common room was still very crowded with other students. "Maybe we can go somewhere private? Or- Just outside?"
"Sure."
Sebastian headed towards the entrance of the Ravenclaw Tower and Mae followed, trying her best to keep up. Although he looked completely relaxed and unbothered, there was something just the tiniest bit stiff and rushed about his movements. She tried not to let it discourage her; she needed to at least try to convince him not to abandon ship.
There was the slightest breeze out in the corridors and Mae hugged her books closer. Why she had not just left them with Sebastian's things in the common room was beyond her; she was too nervous to think clearly, apparently.
"What then?"
The words came out harshly and the fight nearly left her. She must have looked terrified or close to it, because he actually looked away and cleared his throat, looking a tad guilty. He tried again.
"What did you want to talk about?"
Still not friendly, but still not quite hostile either. Mae tried to not overthink his tone and instead prepared for her own. She lowered her gaze down to her shoes.
"I know I already apologized before, and I am sorry. Still, very sorry," she began, words rushing out of her before she could stop them. Now or never. "I won't ever go behind your back again, I swear, and I- I really regret doing it."
She gave the briefest of pauses, looked up, then back down. She couldn't tell if he looked angry, indifferent, or shocked.
"I won't blame you if you don't want to be friends anymore, I really don't, but— I would still like to be your friend, and so if… If you can forgive m-"
"You want to be my friend?" .
She stiffened at the loudness of his voice. Hesitantly, she looked up to meet his gaze.
"Yes...? Please?"
For a good minute, they just stared at each other. Both seemingly unable to process the moment. Then, Sebastian sighed one of the heaviest sighs she had ever heard anyone sigh. He lifted his chin to glare up at the ceiling.
"You thought I was mad at you?" He sounded properly miffed.
Mae stared at him, not at all understanding his question. "Well, yes. You were. Erm, are?"
Sebastian scoffed and crossed his arms, looking down to mildly glare at her. "I thought you were mad at me. That you didn't want to be friends anymore."
Huh? A beat passed.
"Why— that doesn't make any sense," she told him bluntly. "I was the one who went behind your back."
"And I'm the one with the Bloodpurist family, who's got Death Eaters wishing me happy birthday. Sorry if I thought that would make you not want to be friends anymore."
His tone was deeply sarcastic and Mae narrowed her eyes, feeling a bit more steady on her feet. She reckoned it was due to the annoyance that had come over her fast and furious.
"One of the first things you told me was that you didn't have a problem with Muggleborns so I just assumed that was true. You know, because of the verbal confirmation and the fact that you went on to become my friend," she said, an edge to her voice and a sharpness in her eyes that was rare. She was angry; angry at the miscommunication and at having just wasted a week because he thought she was dumb enough to blame him for other people's behaviour. "Did you really think I didn't want to be friends with you because you share blood with stupid people?"
"One of my cousins is literally in Azkaban for murdering a dozen muggles and muggleborns."
"And? Did you help them?" Mae asked, raising an eyebrow.
"No, but-"
"I want to be your friend, Sebastian. Not your family's."
Another silence fell between them, the tension was thick. Then Mae watched Sebastian's shoulders sag.
"Right. I suppose I shouldn't have assumed, then."
"No, you shouldn't have," she agreed firmly, but frowning. "And I shouldn't have, either. Next time we'll have to make sure we're clear on what we're- what we're fighting about."
"You're planning on fighting again?"
She gave him a look that made him grin and suddenly, it was over. They were back to normal and she felt about a thousand tons come off her shoulders. She very nearly ran up to him and gave him a hug, but that, she feared, was too much emotional progress in one day. She would have to settle on matching his grin.
"I'm glad we were both wrong," she told him and distractedly looked at her watch. Her brain had already crossed this off her things to worry about and she was eager to move on to the next bother. She briefly wondered if other people could let go of big, draining things as fast as she could; if it was normal to feel so utterly done and over with something that had been bothering her every hour of every day for a week. Somehow she suspected Zaïf might have wanted to take more time to talk about things more thoroughly had she been a part of the situation. But Mae was good at compartmentalizing and didn't think it necessary to spend an hour digging through the ifs and the whys.
"So, we'll sit together at Charms tomorrow?"
Sebastian gave a simple but firm nod, to which Mae announced that she was heading to bed. And that? That was the end of The First Year Fight that would be talked about for years to come.
Sebastian and Mae not being friends was just simply not to be.
A/N: Hello, again!
I apologize for the long wait but I, simply and honestly, just haven't been inspired. I've also been very disillusioned by Rowling's blatant transphobia (amongst other things), that anything HP-related has just felt... wrong. Obviously, I want to take the time to - despite the work that this story is based on - distance myself from any and all forms of discrimination and hatred (unless that hatred is for nazis and other forms of assholes, which there are many). It is a sad and pathetic thing to spend energy on making other people feel bad about themselves, and I just want to put emphasis on how much Rowling can go fuck herself 3 .
That said. I recently - randomly - went through the reviews to this story and: to everyone who have taken the time to let me know you've enjoyed the story so far, or expressed a desire to read more... Thank you. The only reason there's another chapter (and more to come) is because of you. I'm sorry for not replying to everyone; I'm still not comfortable navigating f.f. yet, but I will try to respond in the future! Thank you for reading, it means so much. Be safe and take care.