The week was coming to its end as they were both doing a lot of things together, enjoying each other's company at its best. It was terrific how the time passed quickly when you were with someone with whom you were enjoying everything. Adora secretly wished that she could just stay more -and why not forever. She hoped she could, but unfortunately it wasn't possible.
But the more time passed, the less time she had to find the time to tell Catra about how she was feeling about her and she knew she needed to. Her fingers were nervously typing against the wood of the counter of the kitchen while she was scrolling on her phone lazily. She was stressed and she didn't even focus on what was on the phone's screen because she was deeply lost in her thoughts. Adora was trying to think about how she should bring the subject, should she casually say it ? But there wasn't a good moment to say it, right ?
She dropped her phone on the wood of the furniture and sighed, letting her eyes wander in the empty room. Catra left earlier because she still had to work part time and the blonde felt deadly bored and lonely without her around. Right now, she was feeling that the time was passing slowly, too slowly.
What a great idea she had to fall in love with her best friend, her friend that probably didn't want her this way. She came to the conclusion she had to confess her feelings because they were anchored to her too deeply to just bury it indefinitely. Adora knew that she had to be rejected to move on otherwise she couldn't, those feelings were too strong. Every time she was doing something she wished Catra was here, every time she saw a new meme that made her laugh, she wanted to send it to Catra, every time she discovered a song that she knew Catra would love she wanted to send it to her. Every time it was just Catra, Catra, Catra.
Adora tried to convince herself that it was just because she missed her at first, because their relationship was so strong that it was normal. But she couldn't just keep lying to herself anymore : she was loving her, and she had realised it. But imagine, the person you're hopelessly loving is someone you can't reach. Isn't it funny, ironic and painful ?
When Catra came back to work it was past 11 pm. They quickly cooked something to eat together and they chatted a bit about how their respective day went. Catra seemed tired, so they both decided to head to bed, each in their own space, separated.
Catra woke up out of breath and in a sweat puddle. She opened her mismatched eyes and started to scan the room immediately, every corner of it : her desk, her clothing closet, the chair of her desk, everything. The room seemed so dark she barely could see anything and it was really terrifying. She couldn't succeed to catch her breath and her heart was beating painfully fast in her chest. The brunette took her knees in her arms, pressing them against her chest, she was shaking. Great, she just had a nightmare that led her into a panic attack, as if she needed that right now.
Her visions started to blur and she closed her eyes, trying to focus on her breath. But every breath she took was painful, like tiny sharp razors that were going right through her lungs. Usually she was able to handle those attacks by herself -even if Scorpia was there to help her most of the time. But this time all she could do was panicking, just more and more.
Catra had this feeling that someone was choking her, like.. someone was punishing her to be this mess she was. She probably deserved this pain, she probably deserved to not be able to calm herself. She definitely deserved this panic attack. The brunette's eyes widened when she heard footsteps carefully entering the room and she put her blanket on top of her head. The door was left open because Catra couldn't just sleep alone, but at the same time she couldn't let Adora sleep with her either.
"It's me, Adora.." Said the soft voice that was almost whispering. "Do you.. need any help ?"
Scorpia was there for her panic attacks this year, but Adora was here to calm her even before Scorpia entered her life. Catra was unfortunately subscribed to panic attacks, like really. And her best friend always knew how to calm her.. But did she deserve her help, right now ? Catra couldn't hear if Adora was moving to come closer, but she probably wasn't, she knew that she had to wait for a positive response before doing anything. Yeah, Adora basically knew perfectly how to calm her, how to handle her rough days, how to calm her anger issues..
"Can you.. can you just stay here… for a bit ?" Catra mumbled those words and she hoped it was understandable enough for Adora. It took her a huge effort to say this as she was still breathless, trying to recover.
"I'm here, and I'll stay." Adora was keeping her voice low and Catra was really thankful for that because she didn't need loud sounds or voices on top of that.
The brunette kept her eyes closed and pressed her knees harder against her chest, taking a long breath that she held for a moment, before releasing it. She could hear Adora doing the same to help her to keep the rhythm. Catra repeated this a few times, focusing on each breath she was taking and they were beginning to be less and less painful. She realised she knew how to breathe again and that the air that was supposed to fill her lungs wasn't harmful. She slowly removed the blanket from her head and opened her eyes again to see that Adora was sitting on the floor, not too far from her but not too close as well.
"Was that.. a nightmare ?" Adora asked when Catra probably looked calmer, and the brunette nodded at her. "You wanna talk about it ?"
Catra shook her head negatively as an answer. "I… just need to think about something else."
"Fair enough," The blonde placed her two hands on the floor, leaning against them to settle more comfortably on the floor as she extended her legs. "Wanna talk about life with our new roommates we both didn't know before moving out ?"
No. "You go first." Maybe with that she could just listen to Adora talking about her new friends and not having to mention anything about Scorpia. She loved listening to Adora speaking anyway.
"Hmm.. So," As her eyes were now accustomed to the dark, she could discern Adora's expressions and she seemed to think about what she was going to tell. "The first day I arrived it was kinda weird. Bow and Glimmer were already friends for a long time and I had the feeling that I couldn't bond with them, like I was going to be the stranger that will leave someday to be replaced by another person." Adora paused briefly and smiled at her. "But things turned out well cause we quickly became friends. They may have felt that I was feeling on the side and they did everything to make me comfortable here. Glimmer proposed a movie night one day and then we all ended up sleeping in the l-"
"Your girlfriend seems nice." Adora cut herself off and arched a brow, surprised. And Catra realized that she didn't just think this, she actually said it.
"My.. girlfriend ?" The blonde asked, still having this interrogative look on her face. "Glim is not my girlfriend," She chuckled. "She's my friend, yes, but she's with Bow."
Catra's lips opened and she breathed a soft "oh", surprised by the thing she just learnt. So, Adora wasn't dating anyone ? "I'm sorry, I.. I saw your insta post and I thought she was your girlfriend or something." Catra didn't really know if she should have said it because it kinda sounded like she was jealous or something and.. she was kinda jealous, to be honest.
A soft laugh escaped the blonde's mouth. "No, she's not the-" She cut her sentence off and bit her lips. It was Catra's turn to arch a brow. ".. I'm not dating anyone."
"Why tho ?" Catra turned herself into the bed to lay on her stomach, facing Adora. "You were pretty popular with girls back in time. Even Mermista had a crush on you."
Adora blushed and looked away. "Uh, probably, but.. I.. I don't feel like dating anyone right now."
Catra's curiosity was piqued now and she wanted to know more, knowing why Adora wouldn't date anyone. Was she already in love with someone ? Was it possible that.. she had a chance, here ? She chewed her inner cheek and tried to be reasonable : she should move from this subject. It was a dangerous one.
"Adora," Catra breathed, but she didn't say anything after it. Adora shivered at the sound of her name and her heart started to beat faster in her chest. She tried to look away, focusing on whatever drawing or poster or picture was pinned on the wall -she couldn't really see anything as the room was dim lighted. But she was trying to chase those thoughts away, those thoughts that were telling her to rush into Catra's arms to kiss her passionately, lovingly, and hopelessly. I can't date anyone because I love you.. was looping in her head.
".. Yes ?" Adora mumbled.
"I.. I'm tired. I should go back to sleep." Catra answered simply, turning away. "Plus, the floor is not really comfortable.. you should rest too."
"Yeah.. you're right." The blonde got up on her two feet and started to slowly walk away, but she stopped in the doorway, holding the wood of it in her right hand. She shouldn't walk away from that, she should tell her. She should tell her the truth, and maybe.. that's what Catra was waiting for ? Adora clenched her teeth. "Catra, I…" She sighed and turned over to look at the brunette who was currently facing the wall. "Good night, rest well." She finally said, because she just couldn't say it, not now.
"Wait.." Breathed a voice, followed by the sounds of the sheets that were moving, meaning Catra was facing Adora again. "..Can you stay ? I… I'm afraid I'll have a nightmare again."
Adora's heart skipped a beat and she swallowed heavily. Yes, she could and yes, she wanted to. "Yes," smiled the blonde as she climbed on the bed.
The curtain of the room was not completely closed, the soft light of the moon passed at the end of the beam, slightly illuminating her friend's face. Catra's eyes were almost glowing under this dim light and, oh god, they were beautiful. Adora couldn't do anything but stare at them, being completely lost in them. Neither of them were saying anything, they were both staring at each other, laying on the bed and facing each other. "You look beautiful.." Whispered Adora who looked completely stunned by her friend's beauty. She sounded obvious right now, but she didn't care : Catra deserved to know that she was magnificent.
The brunette's cheeks slightly colored in red and she rolled her eyes. "Like I can look beautiful right after a panic attack, idiot." Catra put her index on Adora's forehead and she gently pushed it. "But I accept the compliment, thank you."
Adora softly smiled at her. "Are you feeling better ?"
"Yeah.. I guess so. I'm just tired now, but I'm also afraid to sleep because I.. just don't want to have another nightmare." Catra confessed, almost yawning at the end of the sentence.
"I'll be there."
"For the moment," Remembered Catra and Adora looked away. It's not like she didn't want to be there. But she was lucky enough to be able to go to this school and she couldn't just drop this chance. It was a cornelian dilemma, because it was hard for her as well to leave Catra like that. She remembered those lonely nights spent crying herself to sleep because she was missing the brunette too much. She was lucky to have her roommates that helped her a lot with that, actually.
"I.. I'm sorry." The blonde bit her lips, she still felt guilty for that. She didn't mean to abandon Catra, not at all. "I.. It's fine if you're still angry about that, you know." Really, she could totally understand if Catra was still angry about that. They never really talked about it so Adora didn't really know how Catra felt about that now.
"I'm not, it's just.. you're so far, now. It's weird not having your dumb face around." The blonde smiled at that.
"I miss you too, Catra. A lot, actually." Adora moved her hand to remove a few hairs from Catra's face and they both stayed in this pleasant silence, enjoying each other's company for the moment. The blonde was mesmerized by those damn mismatched eyes again and her hand ended on the brunette's face, gently caressing her cheek with her thumb. After a few minutes, Adora breathed a soft. "Catra," She was so fucking beautiful. "...I love you."
Catra's eyes widened and her mouth opened in shock. Fuck. What was she supposed to do, now ? The person she has loved for too long just said she loved her. Wait, did she ? Or did she dream of it ? She didn't know what she was supposed to say, to do. "Wh- I.."
"I really do love you Catra," Adora cut her off, removing her hand from her face. "I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable or anything, I.. I just needed to let this out and I-.. like that I can move on, you know.." The blonde's hand was now rubbing her own neck and she looked away, stressed.
Catra just wanted to kiss her to shut that mouth which was saying such dumb things. But Adora wasn't supposed to know that the brunette actually loved her back, that she wished to be with her since.. well, too long. "Adora.." Catra placed her hands on Adora's shoulders and she softly pecked her cheek. "I'm not uncomfortable, I'm just.. surprised." She really was.
To be honest, Catra just wanted to scream to her that she loved her, to kiss her to express how much she was loving her and how much she waited for this precise instant. But for now, she couldn't. She couldn't correctly answer her feelings, but she hoped Adora would understand somehow.
Adora looked confused and.. sad with the answer and the kiss Catra just gave her, and it broke Catra's heart. "So.. uh.. Can we stay friends ? It's.. okay with me." Asked the blonde.
Catra squeezed Adora's shoulders and bit her lips. She didn't want to down her friend, she.. Damn, this situation was terrible. Her eyes lowered on the blonde's lips for a second and her heart started to beat fast in her chest, and a warmth was starting to grow in her chest and her stomach, burning her lips as well. Since Adora arrived, she wanted to kiss her, and even before she left this city.
Catra was completely fucked. She wanted to kiss those beautiful lips of hers since too long to just miss this occasion, it was just not possible. Her mind went blank and she swallowed heavily as her eyes were still focused on the blonde's lips, all she was capable of thinking was Adora, Adora, Adora. She really was intoxicated by this girl and she swore that Cupid didn't shoot her with only one arrow, considering how hard she fell for this idiot. Her idiot. She was so in love with this dork and she couldn't just resist this urge to kiss her.
Her eyelids half closed and she cupped Adora's beautiful face in her shaking hand as she leaned dangerously close towards those damn lips. She was like.. mesmerized, she couldn't fight her heart, her love. Not right now. All she wanted was her, after all. Couldn't she enjoy it, just for a second ? Forgot Scorpia, forgot everything else, just for a second. God, I love you, Adora was what Catra wished she could say as their lips finally met in an hesitant and clumsy kiss, but it was.. it was everything. Catra was about to move backward but Adora kissed her back and they just both got carried away in this passionate kiss that was saying everything -translating everything.
When their lips parted, Catra barely moved from Adora's face and they both shared a loving gaze for a moment. The brunette was definitely astonished by the beauty that was laying right beside her, this beauty she just kissed. Adora's cheeks slightly colored in red contrasted her pale skin to only make her prettier, as if it was possible. She really looked like a goddess and Catra could definitely tell that Aphrodite should be worried about her reputation because Adora was clearly competing with her beauty. Her blonde hairs weren't tied in a tight ponytail and they were falling on the pillow and shoulders, and her lips were crossed with a dumb but beautiful smile.
But slowly -and painfully, the reality hit her back and she fell from the little love cloud she was on. Her soft smile slowly faded away and she looked away while she moved away from her friend. "I-..." Bravo Catra, you just did the worst thing ever. What was she supposed to say, now ? How was she going to explain the situation to Adora, to Scorpia ? She couldn't just lie to both of them anymore, she had to face the reality now. Damn. She bit her lips.
Adora's eyes widened as she asked, almost in panic, "Is.. something wrong ? Did I do something wrong ? I'm sorry if I-"
"No ! No... you didn't. I, just- I..." Catra felt awful -she was awful. "Adora," She sat on the bed, facing Adora, but not looking her in the eyes, she couldn't. Catra needed to be clear with Adora, she couldn't just hurt her more. "I shouldn't have kissed you. I'm.. I'm dating someone already, and..." Her voice cracked and it was so hard to speak as she felt a lump in her throat.
"Ah" Adora whispered only this and it already felt so heavy, she sounded so sad. "I see.. I.. I should go back on the couch." she said as her voice was broken by her emotions.
Catra raised her hand to take Adora's wrist to stop her from leaving the room, she had so many things to explain to her, but she didn't do anything. She let her friend leave and closed the door behind her back. Tears silently rolled on the brunette's cheek and she hugged her knees close to her chest, so she could muffle her crying against her skin.
That night, they both couldn't sleep and they both silently cried over this situation.
Adora's cheek was resting on the palm of her hand while her elbow was leaning on the windowsill. She let her gaze fade into the horizon, rushing through the dirty window of the train that was bringing her home. She sighed and closed her eyes, pushing up the volume of her music -that was already loud in her ears but she didn't care. Adora was tired, sad, lost and all she wanted to do right now was crying out all her pain away but she couldn't. She swallowed heavily, she felt a lump in her throat that wasn't going to leave soon.
They probably should have talked before Adora decided to suddenly leave to her aunt's -three days after what happened, she couldn't just stay in this flat, with Catra. It just felt too weird, even if she tried to act like nothing happened at all, as Catra did too. But it was too much pain for her, and she didn't succeed to ask for an explanation anyway.
The blonde felt her anxiety rushed back to her when she realized that she would eventually have to explain to Glimmer and Bow what happened. She figured out that Bow spoke with Glimmer about what she confessed to him. Adora knew that her friends were going to ask about how things went, but she would eventually find out how to avoid the subjects for a few days. She had to think more about what happened, about Catra, about what she should do before. She wasn't mad at her, she was.. disappointed ? She felt tricked, empty. Adora touched her lips sadly and opened her eyes again, sighing. Her heart felt heavy in her chest and this pain seemed like she felt great here, because it wasn't going to leave her.
[...] Adora entered her flat to find it was empty -well, the living room was empty and the whole flat was too quiet for them to be here. She let out a sigh of relief, it was better this way, she could just avoid her friends for the rest of the day and she'll be fine. Adora quickly removed her shoes and she walked to her bedroom, throwing away her bag to immediately lay on her bed. She took a plush that Catra used to steal her all the time when she crashed at her place, back in time. The blonde pressed it against herself, closing her eyes.
She wanted to text Catra so badly, but she knew at the same time that it wasn't a good idea to do it, she would just hurt herself a bit more. The blonde started to regret confessing to her friend, she shouldn't have said or tried anything because it was more painful this way. She thought Catra just had to reject her, she would have two or three bad weeks after that and it was going to be fine. But this.. What did that mean, anyway ? She was so confused. Why did Catra kiss her if she was with someone ?
Adora felt overwhelmed by the whole situation and she hugged the plush closer against herself, burying her head into it. She wanted to cry, she wanted to scream, but nothing came out of her throat. She was just.. in pain, unable to cry a bit to relieve herself. Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she just threw it away. She wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone.
After a moment of just laying on her bed and doing nothing but hugging close to that plush, she heard the front door open and she realised that it was probably late because her room was now plunged into the dark -as her heart was. She heard her friends moving, laughing, talking through the thin wood of her bedroom door and she shut her eyes close, clenching her jaw. She wanted to rush to her friend's arms, but she felt miserable and she felt too weak to get up on her feet anyway. So she just stayed there, curled in a ball on her bed.
Her phone buzzed again and then, someone knocked on the door. "Adora, I know you're here, I heard your phone !"
"Come say hi to us, we missed you !" Bow added.
Adora didn't answer and pressed the plush against her head, trying to ignore them.
"... Adora, you're okay ?" Asked Bow who sounded worried, still behind the door.
The blonde sighed and dropped the plush on the floor, opening her eyes again. "Yeah. I'm just tired." She didn't know if she sounded convincing, but she hoped to. It was too hard for her to face her friends right now. They will definitely notice that she isn't okay at all and they will start to ask her too many questions that she didn't want to answer.
"Kay, fair enough. Rest well then !"
The following day, Adora managed to stay in her room for the whole day. To be honest, she was just capable of laying down in her bed switching between sleeping, crying and staring at the cell for hours. The only times she had to go out of her room was to use the bathroom and she succeeded to avoid her friends the few times she sneaked out.
"I'm ordering pizza, do you want one ?" Called a voice from the living room, without a doubt addressing her. Adora heard a growl coming from her stomach and she grimaced. Yeah, maybe she forgot to eat today too, and a pizza sounded nice even if it was definitely a plan to drag her out of her room. She sat on her bed and rubbed her face in her hand before walking out of her bedroom.
"Hi guys," The blonde waved at them and her face probably betrayed the mess she was because Glimmer and Bow briefly glanced at each other. "Pizza sounds fine." She decided to ignore it until they asked something.
But they didn't, not yet. They will always respect Adora's choice to not speak about anything and they won't pressure her to talk about it either. The three of them ordered the pizza and when they were eating, Bow started to explain to Adora that they visited Bow's dads.
".. And they noticed the change that the testerone started to do on my body and Lance said that I was looking handsome. They're really supportive, I'm so glad I decided to talk to them about my transition." Glimmer pecked Bow's cheek as he was removing a tear in his eye.
"That's really nice of them. And they're right, you do look handsome !" Adora softly smiled at them. She closed the box of her pizza after she finished her second slice of it. Usually, she was eating a lot and she had a huge appetite, but it wasn't really the case right now.
"But.. Adora, are you okay ?" Bow asked, and he seemed worried. "You barely left your room today and it kinda makes me worry.."
"I…" Adora's heart squeezed in her chest and she bit her lips. She didn't want to lie to her friend, she couldn't pretend that she was okay and that nothing had happened, she hadn't the strength for that. She looked at Bow and Glimmer before lowering her eyes on the wooden floor. "I confessed to Catra and we kissed.. But she told me she had a girlfriend already.." Her blue eyes were shining with tears. "We didn't really talk about it, I just went to see aunty Razz.. I didn't.. I.." she sighed.
"What ?!" Glimmer screamed.
Bow pressed his lips and frowned at Glimmer. "You didn't talk about it ?"
"No.." Adora lowered her eyes and looked at her hands that were on her knees.
Glimmer clenched her fists in anger and looked back at Bow, about to say something, but he cut her off by placing his right hand on her shoulder, shaking his head. "You should ask her for an explanation, you deserve it, Adora."
"Did she say she loved you back ?" Glimmer's question felt like a bullet that shot right at Adora's heart and she bit her lips, holding the tissue of her jogger in her fist. Catra didn't say she loved her back, but she kissed her and that was so fucking troubling.
"She didn't, no.. and I'm so confused. I don't know what to think about it. And I don't know if I should ask for more explanations, I.." It was probably better if they don't talk to each other for a while and then they can be back at being friends again. Easy peasy, right ? "I don't know what to do.."
Bow offered the most reassuring hug he could to Adora, and both her friends said they'll be here for her if she needed to. Right after, she excused herself saying she was tired and she needed to try to sleep. Adora heard Glimmer and Bow whispering before she closed her door, she hasn't fully heard the conversation, but she surely heard,
"I swear I'm going to kill her, Bow."