NOTES : I'm sorry this one took a moment to write, but it's finally here
and yes, it's She-Ra s5 sword cause this type of sword is my favorite,,
Also, I changed the rating to M because of the alcohol use in this chapter
!TW : alcohol use!
The sound of the door closing on Adora's back echoed in the empty room, leaving Catra's heart empty as well. The second her friend disappeared behind the wood of the door, Catra fell on her knees, crying her eyes out. She perfectly knew she fucked everything up. She should have stopped Adora, explaining everything to her, but she was incapable of that. She felt miserable and sick. Why was she destroying every good thing she could have ? Couldn't she just.. stop being a piece of shit ?
Eventually, she moved from the living room to lay on her bed, in which she discovered one of Adora's sweatshirts tucked behind her pillow. She held the tissue in her hands and looked at it sadly. She felt tears in her eyes again at the view so she closed them, burying her head in the tissue. Catra squeezed the tissue tenderly against her, as if she were afraid of damaging it. As if it was the last thing that connected her to Adora. She smelled the fragrance of the clothes, it was a mixture of bitter and sweet smell, her scent. Catra wanted to run, to catch her up -even though Adora was already far away, to explain everything to her. But it was too late, now. All she could do was to cry over the situation.
The brunette hesitated to text Mermista, she explained to her partially the truth and maybe she could help her here. She grabbed her phone and looked at the screen, which was locked on a message she started to write earlier to Adora. Catra quickly deleted it and locked back her phone, closing her eyes, abandoning the idea of texting Mermista as well.
Days passed and she was incapable of moving even a toe out of the bed. All she could do was hold, the closest she could, the sweatshirt against her chest. Scorpia will be back in a couple of hours and Catra knew she looked terrible. Her eyes were puffy and red from crying that much. Her skin tone was paler than usual, almost looking sick and her cheeks were slightly hollowed. She looked like a zombie and she knew it without having to check it. She stayed curled in that bed without moving or even feeding herself, so she was aware of how she could look right now. But Catra wasn't aware of how she was supposed to break up with Scorpia without sounding like a total asshole, which she was. There was not any good way where this ended well.
Catra took the longest breath she could, burning her lungs with all the air filling them, and she released it. She carefully moved Adora's sweatshirt to the side of the bed and she moved out of the blanket. Every movement she made to step out of the bed felt like a huge effort. Her whole body felt heavy and was aching. The second she was both feet on the floor, she had to hold herself with the nightstand to not fall. Okay, now she is out of bed, she should, at least, shower herself before Scorpia arrives.
After the big effort the shower was, Catra headed to the kitchen, rubbing a hand on her belly that was painfully growling. She was hungry and she wanted to feed herself but when she opened the fridge, she immediately felt sick at the sight of the food. She guessed food would be a later problem and she closed the fridge, sighing again. Sighs were the only sounds that could come out of her dry mouth right now.
Catra heard keys clinking against the wood of the door, meaning someone was unlocking the door on the other side. She instantaneously froze and she swallowed heavily, her heart pounding fast and painfully in her chest. It was finally the moment she would have to face her mistakes.
"Honey, I'm home !" Scorpia greeted her happily, with a huge smile on her face.
Catra's heart skipped a beat and she felt tears in her eyes. She was standing in the middle of the kitchen, unable to move, unable to speak, unable to do anything. Her mind was blank and she couldn't find anything to say. After a few seconds, Scorpia moved closer to her with a worried look on her face. She probably looked miserable like that, in the middle of the kitchen with her oversized white shirt and her eyes shining with tears.
"Catra.. are you okay ?" Whispered Scorpia who was putting her bags on the floor. She hesitated to touch Catra's shoulder, but she decided not to.
The brunette bit her lips the stronger she could -hurting herself in the way, to hold back her tears. She knew that if she opened her mouth right now, if she tried to speak, she would break into tears. But she also knew that she should say anything or Scorpia will really start to worry. She closed her eyes and she tried to calm herself, but her heart that was beating too fast in her chest wasn't helping her. When her hazel and blue eyes opened again, she looked at Scorpia briefly, before lowering her eyes again. She felt so ashamed of what she did, and the worst thing was, Scorpia didn't even cross her mind when she kissed Adora. She regretted it after doing it, not even before.
"Scorpia.." Catra's voice was weak and raspy from not speaking for a long time. The sound hardly came out of her mouth as it was choked by her knotted throat. She looked back at her, in the eyes, and her ears started pounding so she took a deep breath with her nose and let it go with her mouth. She couldn't have a panic attack right now. "Can.. can we talk about something ?"
"Sure." Scorpia carefully placed her left hand on Catra's back to hold her still, because her legs were trembling. "You.. want to sit down for that ?" The brunette nodded and the white haired woman helped her to walk to the couch, and they both sat. "Take your time, I'm listening to you."
Catra's heart broke just a little more. Scorpia was so caring and the brunette was about to thank her by breaking her heart. Kissing Adora just made the whole situation worse, but her dumb mind decided to do it anyway. Catra's eyes wandered to the wall behind the television, in front of her. She examined the ugly paperwall as she was trying to find her words.
"I should have said that to you sooner," She started. "But.. You were so kind to me, you made me happy and I felt safe around you.. And I'm so, so sorry Scorpia." Scorpia didn't say anything, listening to her girlfriend. "I.. Before dating you, I was in love with someone already, and.. I thought.. I really believed that.." There wasn't one way in which she could say it without hurting Scorpia who was looking down and sad.
"Catra.." Scorpia breathed softly while she looked back at her with her brows arched painfully. "You.. you're not in love with me ?"
"I…" Catra felt voiceless, like she didn't know how to speak anymore. All the words she was trying to say died in her throat. "I really thought it could have worked, you know.. I really believed that." She sounded like an asshole. "But, I.. I'm sorry that I can't love you back, really.."
Scorpia looked broken and her eyes were shining with tears. "I.. I can understand." She mumbled, trying her best to hold her tears.
Catra lowered her eyes again. Things were said, she finally had been honest with Scorpia. But there's still something she had to say, she couldn't just run away with that. She had to face the consequences now. "This girl I'm in love with.. It's Adora. My best friend I mentioned once or twice, and.. she came over to see me and.." She wanted to punch herself for having to say that, because it was actually the truth, she really did that. "I kissed her.."
Scorpia's eyes widened like she wasn't expecting that, like that broke something more in her heart. "Catra, I-" She looked at her for a second and frowned before she got up from the couch. "Okay, so.. I think it's clear now." She sounded so disappointed and hurt.
"I'm really sorry, Scorpia.." Catra lowered her head to face the floor.
"Yeah.. guess you are.." Answered Scorpia who took her bags to enter their room -her room now, closing the door behind her back. Catra understood and left her alone, she had already done enough shits, after all.
It's been a month since Adora decided to don't talk to or about Catra. She thought it would be better like that, but it was worse. She felt like.. well, she felt empty. Her heart probably decided to stay in Catra's arms when she left her. For a few days and weeks, she felt this pain that was painfully stroking her heart. Now, she couldn't feel anything anymore inside her chest, she just felt like she was on autopilot. She was dying to ask for some explanations, but at the same time she was too afraid to ask.
Adora sighed as someone pulled her over by her arm, reminding her where she actually was. Bow and Glimmer decided to take her to the fun fair. "C'mon Adora, it's going to be fun !" Glimmer was holding her arm in her hand, walking her to the queue to enter the fun fair and she seemed excited.
"Yeah.. you're probably right." They were honestly so caring about her since she came back, they were doing everything to cheer her up. It was so nice of them to bring her here. They knew she loved those shooting games and the competitive ones like basketball, the punching ball.. Okay, maybe it was going to be fun.
"I'm totally going to beat your ass at the shooting game." Said Bow, gently punching Adora on the shoulder before smirking at her.
"Hmm. I don't think so," Adora pointed her fingers, forming a gun in front of her and mimicking shooting something far away. "I'm a pro." She said, right after blowing off the imaginary smoke from it.
She was so happy she had them in her life, the three of them were clearly matching : they were forming a great trio, the Best Friend Squad -as Bow called their group chat. They entered the fun fair and Adora started to eye around searching for the closest shooting stand. She clearly wanted to prove to Bow what she just said. She knew she was great at those because she used to do it often with.. The blonde shook her head to chase those thoughts away. She finally spotted a shooting stand and when they were queuing for it, Bow and Adora locked their eyes, clearly defying each other with their looks.
"Okay.. I'll leave you both alone to do your.. thing. I'm gonna buy myself the biggest cotton candy." At these words, Glimmer stepped away and disappeared in the crowd.
Bow chuckled. "I knew she'll do that. She just loves cotton candy so much."
"Seems like a passion or something." Answered Adora who was softly laughing too.
They were the next to pass and Adora suddenly stopped. Her eyes just landed on one of the prices that was probably the coolest she ever saw. It was a replica of a sword, and probably the most beautiful that she had seen so far. The blade was long and thin and the handle was golden, the end of it looked like a half moon. The pattern of the handle ended at the end of the blade with a bluish gem encrusted in the center of it. "Wow.. I need this."
"Guess I'll win it." Bow winked at Adora who frowned in determination as an answer. She was totally seeing herself fighting imaginary people with this beautiful sword between her hands. She needed it.
"We'll see." Said the blonde while paying the entry for both of them.
She pointed the gun at the target and closed one eye to aim at best. Her tongue stuck out of her mouth by itself, she was concentrated. She had only ten bullets to mark the highest score she could, to get the sword. She held her breath and her index slowly but firmly pulled the trigger. The first bullet deviated a little and ended next to the center of the target, but the second one hit the center without any hesitation. Adora briefly glanced and smirked at Bow, sure of herself. Adora ended with a pretty good score. She put the fake gun back on the counter and then she walked behind Bow, observing.
"You did great, but.. can you beat this ?" Bow aimed at the target and closed one of his eyes as well, shooting like a pro.
They both weren't huge fans of guns in general, they were just loving those types of games. Adora started playing those the first time because it was a good excuse to get something for Catra. She got her the biggest plush of the stand and the brunette was totally in love with this huge big purple space cat plush that she decided to call Melog. She sadly smiled, remembering it, feeling a familiar ache in her chest. Like a needle slowly piercing her heart. She missed her, so much.
"Adora," Bow called her back and she shook her head. She really just spaced out again. "I was saying that you just won !" He reached her hand out to her, hoping for a high five that she gave him.
"Oh.. I- I won !" Adora actually did her best to not celebrate that much but she definitely stomped in excitement.
"So, what do you want ?" Asked the guy that was lazily leaning on the stand.
"The sword !" She shouted, maybe too enthusiastic for the stand guy, who arched a brow at her.
"'kay," The boy left for a few seconds, grabbing something behind the counter, then putting the box on it. "Here you go."
Adora rushed to the box to open it and her eyes lit with sparkles. Bow fondly smiled at the view of her being happy. "You totally deserved to win it." He said.
The blonde smiled back and took the sword in her right hand, lifting it proudly. "How cool do I look ?" She was waving her eyebrows at him.
"You're definitely the coolest in town !" He answered after taking a picture of Adora, he had to. Adora carefully put back the sword in the box, taking it in her hands. She started to walk to Glimmer, who was coming back with a cotton candy bigger than her head. If you weren't looking carefully, you could have mistaken her hair for cotton candy. Adora and Bow glanced at each other then blasted into laughter at the view, and Glimmer quickly joined them.
The afternoon was passing gently when Adora and Glimmer elaborated a plan to take Bow to the haunted house, saying that it will not be this scary and that it will be fun. Bow tried to convince them to not go because people were screaming inside and it was not reassuring him.
But they did it anyway, and they were now walking a small corridor plunged into the dark to enter the attraction. Something touched Adora's shoulder and she shivered, looking behind her, but there was nothing. She swallowed heavily and jogged to be right behind her friends.
During the whole attraction, they were all screaming and running as fast as they could to the exit.
"Told ya it was scary.." Bow said, panting, when they were finally far away from the fake danger of the haunted house.
"I didn't think it would be that scary.." Adora confessed, with a hand on her chest because her heart was still beating fast in fear.
"The room with the butcher, ugh.. It was disgusting." Glimmer added, spitting her tongue out in disgustion.
Adora felt her phone buzzing in her pocket and she instinctively looked at it. When she read the name on the screen, she sighed immediately. It was a message from Catra.
"Ignore her." Glimmer said, crossing her arms.
Adora looked at her pink friend, then at Bow, then back at her phone and the message. "I.. It's not that easy, Glim. It's not the first time she tried to talk to me.."
"Just continue ignoring her, then." Glimmer shrugged.
Bow was not saying anything, looking at both of them. He perfectly knew that his girlfriend was impulsive and he didn't want to start a fight between the three of them. He sighed and took Glimmer's hand, squeezing it. "How are you feeling about that Adora ?"
"I don't know.." The blonde leaned on the wall and tightened the grip on her phone, still looking at the screen. "I think I'm angry. But at the same time.. I'm not angry. It's weird.."
"You think she could have a good reason ?" Bow's hands were now on Glimmer's shoulders, rubbing them gently to calm her down.
"Yeah.. I trust her. I know she doesn't want to hurt me.." She was having a good time and day, why did Catra decide to talk to her right now ?
"Honestly, Adora, I don't trust her." Glimmer pinched her nose and plunged her eyes into Adora's. "Look, she already hurt you after you moved here while ignoring you without giving any explanations. And what now, you'll excuse her and talk to her without her having to explain herself ? Again ?!" Bow squeezed Glimmer's shoulders to stop her, but she just freed herself instead. She stepped to Adora and frowned, facing her. "It's too easy, Adora. She has to understand that you have feelings and that you deserve better than this."
Adora looked down. Glimmer was right, she deserved a proper explanation. If Catra really cared about her, she would tell her everything. "So.. what ? I just wait for her to explain to me without even asking ?"
Glimmer opened her mouth, but Bow interrupted her immediately by speaking first. "If you're still mad at her right now, you should wait. Otherwise, you will probably both fight, and it's not good. I'm not sure that's what you want, right ?"
"Hmm.." Adora answered while swiping the notification on the right to make it disappear. She knew Catra wasn't going to insist if the blonde continued to ignore her, but for the moment, she couldn't answer her. She didn't feel like speaking to her right now, maybe soon, but not now.
It's 2 am and I miss you. I miss you so, so bad. I'm sorry for everything that I did, that I said, that I didn't say. Adora, I just want you to know how much I love you, for how much time I love you. I didn't mean to hurt you, I was just confused, lost. I started to date Scorpia because I think it would be easier this way. I thought that you couldn't love me back and it was so easy to be with Scorpia, to forget about you.. But you came back. You came back and you love me and it.. It.. I don't know what it did to me, but it started something. That's why I kissed you, I couldn't help kissing you. And I will do that again, trust me. I will just do things differently if I could. I will properly explain to Scorpia that I'm not in love with her before, and I would have confessed to you right after kissing you. I don't know, it sounds bad, but not as bad as what I did. I'm so sorry, and I want to explain everything to you. If only you would just let me.. I tried to reach you. I tried, but you didn't answer me. If you don't want to talk to me anymore, it's fine and I will perfectly understand you know.
But Adora, I'm afraid to lose you. I don't want to lose you. You're so important to me, you helped me so much, you made me grow stronger. If only I could make you understand how much you count for me, how much I was hurt when you left. If only we could do things differently. If only I would have been able to move out with you. If only I had the courage to tell you all of this before. But I'm just a mess, and you know it. Oh dear, you know exactly how much I'm a mess.
Catra stopped writing as tears silently started to roll on her cheeks, falling down on her hand and phone screen. She felt so lonely, heart broken and so vulnerable right now. She just wanted to talk to Adora, to fix things up, to say how much she was sorry. The brunette used to write down her feelings to help her to deal with it, but it still was difficult. Her heart was torn apart and she felt so sick right now. She probably destroyed everything she had with the blonde and it was so fucking painful.
After Catra explained everything to Scorpia, the white haired woman broke up with her properly, after a few days avoiding her. And now, she was all alone in this damn flat because Scorpia, and Catra understood, decided to stay at Entrapta's place for the moment. Catra was left alone in this situation and she totally deserved it, honestly.
She closed her puffy eyes and buried her face in Adora's sweatshirt -which was now just stinking because she was wearing it or holding it all the time without even washing it. Catra knew that Adora's scent was gone from the tissue a long time ago, but she couldn't resign herself to clean it. If she washes it, then it meant that Adora was definitely gone and she couldn't bear this idea.
Catra was so tired and she was almost falling asleep when she heard her phone buzzing, waking her up immediately. She grabbed it, hoping it was Adora, but it wasn't her name on the screen.
PrincessGlim : hello.
PrincessGlim : Can I talk to you ?
The brunette frowned while reading the name account, she perfectly knew who it was. It was Adora's confetti friend, from her new perfect place.
wildcat : what do you want ?
PrincessGlim : Other than killing you ? Not much.
wildcat : k
What was the purpose of texting her if it was to say that, honestly. It wasn't helping Catra and she just wanted to block her, but, at the same time, it was probably the only way she had to pass a message to Adora.
wildcat : it's pretty obvious that you don't like me but.. Can you say to Adora that I need to talk to her ?
PrincessGlim : are you kidding me ?
wildcat : no..
PrincessGlim : I texted you to tell you to stay away from Adora.
wildcat : Can I at least explain myself ?
PrincessGlim : I don't care, I won't believe you
wildcat : Listen to me, please..
PrincessGlim : you can try.
wildcat : I'm sorry about what I did. I know i fucked up but.. it's complicated.. And I really wanna explain everything to her.
PrincessGlim : Why hurt her if you love her, jerk ?
wildcat : can you just tell her I want to explain myself, please ?
Catra waited, but she left her on read. She knew that the girl hadn't been cooperative since the first message, but she had hoped to. She couldn't just explain the whole thing like that to her, to a stranger. It wasn't like the girl was going to understand after all. And as Sparkles, or whoever, said, she wasn't going to believe her.
Everything felt so meaningless right now, like she hadn't a purpose anymore. Hurting Adora was the worst thing she could have done, and now Catra wasn't sure if she could fix things up. The brunette knew that it was not the best idea, but she scrolled down Adora's instagram profile anyway. Seeing her smiling and all happy in the pictures made her heart ache sadly, but she continued. She scrolled down again, until she arrived before the blonde left. She clicked on a certain picture of them, together.
Catra perfectly remembered this precise instant.
It was a peaceful afternoon, they finished school for today and they decided to hang out in the park with Mermista. They were sitting on the grass, chatting about whatever. Catra remembered how things felt perfect in this instant. The calm air and the peaceful atmosphere of a sunny afternoon, the presence of her friends, and Adora's laugh when she told her that joke that made her laugh so much that Mermista decided to take this picture of her. She was wiping a tear from her eye, her cheeks colored in red from laughing that much. Adora looked the happiest here, right next to Catra who was fondly smiling at her.
The brunette looked at it for several minutes until her phone locked by itself. Catra could see her reflection on the black screen, she was on the verge of tears. Even if she tried, more than once, Adora didn't answer. She really couldn't do anything and that made her feel so powerless. She couldn't picture a life without Adora around, at least as a friend.
Catra wasn't the best at dealing with her own emotions, so she decided she could have a little help here. And it was another thing we could definitely add to her long long list of wrong ideas. She took her phone and walked her way to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of the strongest alcohol she could have. At this point, she didn't really care what she could drink, she just wanted to think of something else, to keep her mind busy or empty. Just, keeping those thoughts away for an instant.
She drank, and drank, and drank again. Too many glasses of this strong liquid that was burning her throat, leaving a bitter taste on her tongue and lips. She thought it would help to chase those thoughts away, but it made it worse. Catra started to really believe in the idea of losing Adora, and it was scaring her. Even if her sparkly friend told her to leave her alone, she had to do something. The alcohol was rushing through her veins, making her mind blurry. She tapped on the blonde's profile, opening the messages.
Her heart was burning in her chest, she needed to do something. She needed to try, at least one last time, with Adora. If she decided to never answer her, it was fine. Well, not really, but Catra would understand. She had been a really shitty friend recently and she deserved that silence of Adora honestly. But, she put her finger on the recording button, to send a vocal note.
"Hey, Adora.." Catra breathed first, unsure of what to say next."I… I know I hurt you.. and I know you're probably mad at me. And believe me, I know that I'm an asshole. What I did was wrong." She paused, relieving a breath she didn't know she held. "Adora.. I miss you. I really miss you. I miss talking to you, I miss your voice. I love your voice.. And your smile.." She probably didn't realize what she was saying, the alcohol was just making her follow her instinct, her heart. "I.. I'm really sorry Adora. I'm such a mess.. I care about you. I care about your feelings too. A lot, actually. Because.." Catra was still pressing the recording button, but she made a long pause, searching for her words. "Well.. because you're my best friend. You're.. you're my.. you're the only person I trust. And.. I'm really sorry, Adora." Her voice was broken by emotions and she felt breathless as the next words were burning her lips : I love you. But she didn't say it. "I want you in my life, and I want to explain everything to you."
Catra lifted her thumb up from the recording button and she sent the message. She wasn't hoping much, but she was still hoping that Adora would, at least, listen to it. Because she didn't even let her on read, no, she never opened any of her messages. Obviously, Catra immediately regretted what she just did, as she knew she would. She wanted to erase the message, like it never existed, like she never said that. But, it was probably the best way to do that, since she couldn't just go to Adora to shout it at her face. Catra didn't know if it was enough and she knew she didn't explain everything here. She will, but she didn't want to harass Adora with a ten minute vocal message or with hundreds of unread messages.