To my future employers: if you're reading this, please don't take anything here the wrong way. This is purely satirical. The badness is supposed to reflect that. Or, if you're having doubts, just don't hire me at all.
"Extra! Extra! Reports show an unknown inkling clad in neon green along with two presumably female inklings accompanying the third bringing back the Great Zapfish at the dead of night. Other than that, no other evidence has been found."
"So as we usually do, keep your kids inside, keep local respawn points at full charge, and..."
"Now, I think that's a bit farfetched, Ivan, I mean sure, the situation is suspicious, but what reason would these inklings go through all the trouble of returning the thing if it's not for good intent?"
"You're far too naive, Alex, these could be eco-terrorists implanting something into the Great Zapfish for all we know."
"Ok, you are being way too pessimistic. In our time of crisis, these few people brought us back one of our biggest sources of power! How could you say that about them?"
"You know what, you..."
*Click*
"*Sigh* This is why I don't watch television."
The sun was shining, the trees were blooming, the kids playing in the village square. Or so, that would be from the perspective of a normal inkling. In Four's case, it was decrepit walls and destroyed furniture. Thursdays, am I right?
Four, of course couldn't sulk around the apartment as usual, as today was a special day. He didn't know this, however, because his sense of time was in complete whack from the last special day last week.
"1:30, eh?" Four exclaimed, "Sweet, got a few more hours of sulking before I have to go meet up with Trevor".
All of a sudden, the doors came crashing down.
"Well, shit." Four spurted out.
"Alright, Four, you know what time it is." the mysterious, but quite tall figure said.
"Look, I ain't got the money, but you know I'm good for it" Four rebutted.
"First of all: No, you're not. You payed on time once in all of our history together, and half of those times you payed anything was from loan from me. And Second: There's also the maintenance costs, and I have made this dump the finest quality I can. You on the other hand, have made this place the way it is in the first week." the inkling responded.
"Look man, we've been friends since high school. Gimme a pass on this one!" Four connivingly pleaded.
"Ok, I'm sorry about the bullying back in freshling year. But you have to let that go." The man honestly pleaded.
"Yes, Yes, I have. Just gimme a few more days. I got your rent." Four exclaimed.
"Alright. 2 more days. For your sake, and mine." The man said.
"Thanks for this, Richard. I'll make good, I promise." Four exclaimed.
"This was a terrible investment." Richard whispered under his breath.
"Perhaps it was, perhaps not." Four retorted.
"Stop doing that." Richard angrily begged.
Four decided to pack and meet Trevor early, after all his awakening was sudden, and hey, he just felt like it. After he packed his Turf War gear, his SquidPod, and his best brush for the occasion, he headed out. Once he finally got to the Café, he ordered himself a nice special saver latte, when all of a sudden..
"Still ordering the most expensive thing on the menu, eh?"
It was, of course, Trevor.
"And what's wrong with having expensive taste?" Four quickly rebutted, spitting out a noticeable portion of his drink onto Trevor.
"Maybe if you payed your bills like you were supposed to." Trevor snapped, cleaning up the mess on his shirt.
"I always pay him back when I can. I merely take his opportunity when he offers it." Four casually said.
"Still a dick move." Trevor sternly rebutted,"Anyway, why are you named Four? How do you get Four out of Joseph?"
"First of all:I tend to not concern myself with the thought and feelings of others; it is far to stressful. And Second: You keep asking that question over and over again. As I have said before, it will be explained in time." Four snarkily snarked.
"Cool. Anyways, have you seen the new episode of Inko-wars? This new controversy over the inkling in neon green is sweeping up every news site. And here's the catch: there was a note on the Great Zapfish left by the mysterious inkling telling all major news sites to reserve a spot in this Cafè. And here's the kicker: I registered 2 seats for that day, so we can see the interview in person." Trevor excitedly exclaimed.
"First of all, it's Café, not Cafè. Second, I saw 5 seconds of it, and there's gonna be more political violence there than all of the French revolution. It's dangerous and pointless." Four, who by now had finished his drink and was on his way to ordering another.
"Obscure Homo Sapien history reference aside, you simply can't see what's so great about modern politics because you are merely too self-centered. Just come. I'm paying for drinks." Trevor snobbishly pleaded.
"Fuck it, i'm in." Four quickly said as he turned around,"however, you better uphold your end of this bargain. Now, we should probably head out to the Tower. I'm close to A+."
The teams were set. Four, Trevor, XxxLeg_0_lazzxxX, and Master Chief representing the Purple team, while Darth_Vader_likesgreenday, Stephen Strange, Gandhi, and [Japanese text] represented the Yellow team.
"So, a brush, a jet squelcher, and two aerosprays in Tower Control. Fuck." Four thought.
And so the games begin. And it went exactly like you'd expect.
*1 min remaning!*
"So...anyone got any bright ideas?" Trevor snobbishly said.
At this point it was Four suicide running saving the team from utter destruction. The team was backed into their last line of defense on blackbelly skatepark. But then, as the all-too familiar whooshing sound came to the purple team's spawn:
"I think I have and idea." Four exclaimed.
The stalemate was running thin, and so the purple team obviously retreated.
"Charge, you fools!" Darth_Vader_likesgreenday confidently declared.
"Wait... I thought there were four of them."Gandhi said with concern.
"Japanese Text Japanese Text."[Japanese Text] exclaimed, but it was too late.
"TEAM WIPE! YOU'VE KILLED THEM ALL!"
And with that victory ended Four's stalemate with A+.
Rumors quickly spread about this ingenious tactic. At least for five minutes. And in the opposing yellow team's corner.
"That was total BS. they had to have cheated or something." Strange angrily exclaimed.
"We demand a recount!" Gandhi shouted.
But by then the duo already headed home, not before kicking the other randos in the nards. The duo crossed road after road. Until...
"Welp, here's the old fork in the road." Trevor calmly said.
"And you still failed to tell me when the event in the Café takes place." Four snarkishly snaps.
"Oh yeah. Two days from now. Make sure to be there. Anyways, see ya." Trevor said.
And so Trevor headed home. Four, on the other hand, went back to the City.
As Four got back to the city, it was night. He knew his instincts had a 50/50 chance of lying to him, but the desire for peace of mind outweighed the odds entirely. He headed back to the Café, and, just by chance, a looming presence stood by him.
"Who goes there?! I knew my eyes weren't lying to me with that figure in the side!" Four shouted.
"Calm down love. What's wif the weapon. Just lower it." The figure soothingly said.
"Oh, Spyke, it's just you." Four sighed in relief.
"Your eyes don't lie to you, love. Anyway, I'm glad you liked that Ninja Squid armor we just got." Spyke assuringly said.
"Let's cut the chat. I grow tired, and I wanna go home." Four sternly said.
"Alright. Listen, love, some high-end guys are looking for ya services, and I here they're willing to play a high price that I know you're quite fond of." Spyke smugly assured.
"You can't mean..." Four stuttered in shock.
"Oh I mean that." Spyke said even more smugly. "Here's the note they told me to deliver to you. Now, I gotta head out. Some hotshot Ranked player wants to complete her clothes collection."
Four went home casually, and tore the letter open before he went to sleep. It was true.
"We've been watching you, hotshot, and I've gotta say: you're a good kid. Maybe good enough to do what we seek to pull off. If you're interested, slip the card underneath your typical desk over at the Café at noon sharp. Otherwise, burn this note. We'll know if you don't."
Four also saw a card fly out of the note with a joker of hearts on it.
The next day, Four, of course, overslept this deadline, and rushed quickly to the Café. The Café was more populated than usual, but it is noon, so what did you expect. Four sat in his normal spot, quietly observing every patron in the room, until eventually he slipped the card under the desk. He waited a response, and there was nothing. He waited for and hour before Trevor showed up, had a 3 sentence chat I'm too lazy to type and went off. More waiting. Eventually, Four got tired of waiting and went outside. He was then promptly kidnapped.
When he awoke, he saw a beautiful marble room, with chandeliers on every corner. As he gazed in the room, he quickly threw a burst bomb at the camera in the top left corner.
"Good, Good. You're the guy." the figure in the shadow coldly said.
"Let's cut the chat and get to business." Four sternly exclaimed.
"Fine." The shadowed figure cooly said.
The shadowed figure revealed himself slowly. As one figure became five, the shadows became tangible. It was the Joker and his fellow members of the Epic Gamer Squad.
"So, what would the Joker, Lego Yoda, Peter Griffin, King Dedede, and Ben Shapiro need with me?" Four snarkishly said.
"A lot, actually." The Joker said. "Like your skill of breaking and entering."
"That was only once...Or, well, it was five times, but that third situation with the government facility was nothing. It was just morbid curiosity." Agent 4 snapped.
"Take away the fact that you are good at stealth, it does not. Perfect candidate, you are." Lego Yoda says.
"You still forget to tell me what my mission is." Four says as his eyes roll.
"Listen here, squibble-quibble. You gonna get that WEED so we can do the DEDEDEED!" King Dedede shouts with passion.
"Ok, but why are you sending me instead of one of you guys. And why are you even here, instead of the Homo Sapien era?" Four asked.
"Stop being a liberal and go." Ben Shapiro jokingly snapped.
"Just stop asking questions, and we'll be willing to share the load." Peter Griffin assures Four.
"You had me at 'The next day'. Where am I going exactly?" Four asked.
"Discussed this next, we intended to. Into Octo Valley, you must go. Dangerous and full of Octarians, that place is. Deep into the third area, you must go. Find Shell City, you must. Bring gang weed and become epic, you must." Lego Yoda said in his eternal wisdom.
"Here's your map. Take our sewer system out back, and prepare your arsenal. There are two Octarian fortresses guarding each warp point, so watch yourself." The Joker explained while handing Four the map.
"Good luck to you, fellow gamer." Peter says.
"Thanks. And by the way, where's your armory?" Four asks.
"Don't have one, hmmmm. Got your equipment, we already have." Lego Yoda explains.