Chapter Eighteen: everything i wanted.
"And you say, "As long as I'm here, no one can hurt you
Don't wanna lie here, but you can learn to""
Saturday, November 9th, 1985
It's funny how slowly time passes when you're anticipating something. The world seems to come to a complete halt instead of continuing to rotate on its axis. Everything moves in slow motion and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Mike can recall countless events in which time had stopped, but five stood out over the rest.
The first being back in '83 when Will's "body" was pulled out of the quarry. Seeing the boy who understood Mike better than anyone else, the quiet boy who was always drawing and obsessed over Dungeons and Dragons, the boy who meant the world to him, cold and waterlogged and dead destroyed him.
The second memory was when Eleven faced the demogorgon and disappeared alongside it right before his eyes. She simply vanished into thin air, gone without a trace. And there was nothing he could have done to stop her.
The third being when El finally returned after 358 days of hoping she was out there but never knowing if she actually was.
The fourth one was earlier that afternoon when El called out to him from the void. The final time was as the three excruciating hours slowly crawled on as Mike sat by El's unconscious body, staring off into space.
She hadn't stirred at all, her steady breathing the only inkling that she was alive.
His head was full of worries, each one coming back more than once to haunt him. There were so many things that were on his mind that he didn't notice the girl's eyes slowly crack open.
"Mike?" Eleven's voice was rough and almost inaudible.
Mike blinked a few times, snapping out of his paranoid reverie, unsure if he was hearing things or not. Turning his attention to the girl next to him, he wasn't sure if he was imagining that she was looking up at him through bleary eyes or if she actually was.
"Eleven," he breathed, praying he wasn't hallucinating at the moment. Slowly, he brought his hand up to her jaw, waiting patiently for her to reply and prove or disprove his sanity.
She didn't say anything, the only sound that escaped her throat was a choked sob. Mike immediately pulled her into his arms, allowing her to bury her head against the side of his stomach. He felt her weakly reciprocate the action with one arm, draping it over his hips.
"It's okay, El," he murmured, the hand that was higher up on her back than the other crept to her shoulder-length waves, running his fingers through the tangled locks in a comforting manner. Tears of his own fell but he didn't care. Whether they formed because just seeing her upset made him upset or if it was out of relief that she was alive, he wasn't sure. "I'm right here."
They laid there for a while, Mike continuously murmuring what he hoped were soothing words to her while she cried and cried into his red polo.
"Mike, do you have a tissue?" Eleven asked, muffled by the fabric of his shirt.
"Uhhh, yeah," he replied once he spotted the box on her bedside table. Reaching over, he grabbed the tissue box and set it beside himself. He took one out, "Here, El."
Keeping her face against his abdomen, she moved her arm that wasn't hugging him around, feeling for the tissue.
"What are you doing?" He chuckled at her actions, but gave her the tissue anyways. He heard her thank him, but she refused to move her head from his stomach. She kept her face turned away from his, wiping her runny nose with the tissue.
"Hey," he said gently. Frowning slightly when she refused to look at him like usual when he spoke to her, he prodded, "El, please? I wanna see you."
Eleven sighed heavily, continuing to avoid giving in to his pleas. She was a mess and she didn't want Mike to have to see her in such a state. Sure, he'd seen her in worse conditions, but some part of her feared that one day he would look at her and question what he ever saw in her.
"Please, El? You're beautiful to me no matter what, you know that, don't you?"
"No."
Mike's heart was shattering in his chest. How could she not see what he saw? How did she not realize that he loved her no matter what?
He wanted to tell her that he loved her for so many months, but was never able to. The words never even close enough to reaching the tip of his tongue no matter how badly he wanted them to.
But that sparked up another fear- was now an okay time to say such important words? Would it be too much for her at the moment?
Normally, Mike would refuse to let her ignore him but clearly that was of a lesser importance right now. All that mattered was that she was awake.
"Do you want anything to eat or drink?" He asked quietly.
When she nodded in reply he continued, "Okay, well, do you want Eggos?"
She shook her head 'no', "Just water."
"Do you want ice?" She nodded gently again. "Okay, I'll let Will know that you're up and ask him to bring you some."
Mike reached over to grab his Supercomm that he had set on El's bedside table. Pressing the transmit button, he spoke, "Will, do you copy?"
Moments later, Will's voice crackled through the walkie-talkie, "I copy. Is she up?"
"Yeah, she's up. Can you bring up some water?"
"Sure thing. Be right there."
"I hate to break it to you," Mike began as he placed the device back on the table. "But you're gonna have to sit up to drink so you don't spill… or, y'know, choke."
Eleven sighed heavily, her aching muscles and bones begging her not to move, but she ignored the discomfort and forced herself to sit up beside Mike. Automatically, Mike took her hand in his, trying to comfort his girlfriend as best he could.
"When you're ready," he began quietly, his concern evident in his chocolate orbs. "Will you please try to tell me what happened?" When he felt her entire body tense, he quickly added, "Not right now, just… when you're ready. Okay?"
For the first time since she woke up, she turned her face to look at him. She nodded her head once, the small action enough to make her brain throb beneath her skull.
A tentative knock sounded through the small bedroom, the door then opening to reveal Will and Joyce, both looking relieved but nervous. They entered the room, quickly crossing to the couple and giving El the ice water she had requested. With shaking hands, she took the glass from her adoptive brother and forced a smile, hoping to show that she was thankful.
El took a few small sips of water, breathing deeply after each swallow to ease the knife-like sensation the liquid caused as it went down her raw throat.
"Are you feeling any better?" Will asked as El handed Mike the glass to set down.
"Yes," Eleven confirmed, her throat still sore but not as much as it was earlier.
"That's good," Mrs. Byers said softly. "I don't want to pressure you, honey, but—"
"No, it's okay. I'm ready now," El interrupted, not wanting to hear another person go on the same spiel Mike had just gone on. All she wanted to do was sleep but she didn't want them to wait even longer to find out why she was being so closed off.
"Oh, okay. If you're sure."
With a heavy sigh, she began explaining, ignoring how much it hurt to speak. "I missed Hopper a lot more than usual the day after homecoming. I felt… guilty. I felt like I was the reason he died, same with Bob and Barb and Benny and Billy and all of the flayed. And I still feel like everything is my fault. I was the reason why you," she made eye contact with Will. "were taken to the Upside Down. And that and everything after was the result of me opening that stupid gate."
"El, sweetheart, it's not your fault," Joyce assured, sitting on the edge of the bed next to Eleven and grasping her hand that wasn't holding onto Mike's. "You were forced into it and you were scared of disappointing Brenner. It's not your fault, I promise."
El sniffled and nodded, convincing herself to believe the words coming from her adoptive mother's mouth. She took a few deep breaths and continued. "I wanted to try to see if I could get my powers back. I wanted to try to find Hop to see if he's still alive or not. So that's why I was shutting everyone out and not talking. Because I needed to focus and I couldn't do that with distractions. And I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to worry about me or hope that my powers would come back in case they didn't."
Joyce opened her mouth to say something, but Eleven finished her explanation before she could interrupt.
"I wasn't able to access the place that I find people in until this afternoon when I found Mike. But I was really weak and I… I don't even know what happened but I wasn't in there for long. And, well, that's it."
Mike was unable to think straight. Hearing that she didn't want anyone to worry about her overworking herself in order to regain her telepathic abilities and that she thought that everything that's happened over the past couple years was her fault distressed him to no end. He could have helped her, could have been there to reassure her that she would get there no matter what, but she isolated herself. Not only from him, but from her family and friends, too.
"And…" El added hesitantly. "I still want to try to find Hop," she looked at Joyce, her anxiousness clear on her face. "If you'll let me."
The older woman didn't respond right away, battling with herself over what she should or shouldn't allow. Of course she wanted to know if Hop was out there somewhere, she missed him like hell, though she would ever admit that out loud. But she feared Eleven hurting herself while attempting to locate him. Or what if reaching Mike earlier was just dumb luck and her powers didn't fully come back? Is she able to do what she used to be able to, like unlock doors with her mind, again?
Too many questions crowded her mind but she somehow made her decision amongst the chaos.
"Okay, honey," Joyce said, pulling Eleven's, as well as Will's and Mike's, attention to her. "I will let you try and find him but as long as you have someone with you. I don't want you to get hurt and I know nobody else wants you to, either." Joyce paused, briefly breaking eye contact with El. "But, maybe we should wait for a few days, or weeks, before we try again, okay?"
The smile on Eleven's face disintegrated the gloomy atmosphere, instantly brightening up the room. "Okay. I'll wait a few days and make sure someone's there with me."
Self-doubt was playing with her emotions, whispering to her in its menacing voice that she would never find her father, that finding Mike was her final chance to use her powers, that she'd never be able to save her friends if the gate was reopened another time. But she kept the radiant smile plastered on her face, locking the negative thoughts away as best she could.
"Have you tried to, like, move anything at all?" Will asked, missing the warning glare from his mother.
El's grin fell slightly, her nod in response to his question weak and slow, as if she were embarrassed. "But nothing happened."
"O-oh," Will uttered sheepishly, feeling awful for upsetting her. Nice going, dipshit. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, unsure of what else to say.
"It's fine," she brushed it off, not wanting Will to feel guilty over something so stupid. "Can I go back to sleep?" She asked Joyce.
Mrs. Byers laughed lightly, "Of course, sweetheart. I called the Wheeler's and Mike's allowed to stay over with you."
At the mention of his mother, Mike's eyes widened. "Oh my God, I left Holly there unattended!"
"Hey, hey, hey," Joyce grabbed his arm to prevent him from bolting out of the house. "Relax. Nancy and Jonathan got back from whatever they were out doing shortly after you left. I called your home and told her what happened and that you wanted to stay over. She said she'd let your mom know and that she'd have Jonathan bring a bag of overnight stuff with him when he comes home. There's nothing to worry about."
Slowly, Mike's rapid heart rate fell back to normal, sighing loudly as he fell back onto El's bed, relief washing over him. "Thank you, Mrs. Byers."
"Anytime, Mike," she smiled, standing up and walking towards the door. "Sleep well, hon," she said before she turned on her heel and left the room.
Though he wanted to stay to comfort his sister, Will could sense that there were still so many things left unsaid between her and Mike. Things that they didn't want Will to hear. So, he reluctantly got up and followed his mother after he bid Mike and Eleven goodnight, shutting the door on his way out.
When she could no longer hear Will's footsteps, she shifted herself to lay down beside her boyfriend. "Mike," El broke the silence that settled between them, rolling onto her side in order to face him.
Turning his head to look at El, he asked, "Yeah?"
"Thank you," she said, reaching down to hold his hand. "I'm so sorry for scaring you, Mike." Tears formed in her eyes, threatening to fall down her face. "And I'm sorry for not telling you. I w-wanted to, b-but I didn't want you to stop me or, or to worry about me, or something."
"El, it's okay, I promise," he assured, adjusting himself so he mirrored his girlfriend's position, the hand that was holding hers continuing to do so. "I wish you would have told me, just so I knew why you were being so distant, but I understand why you did it. I wouldn't have tried to stop you, even though I would have been worried about something happening, I wouldn't want you to think I was controlling you."
His last words echoed in El's mind, reminding her of that argument she overheard between Mike and Max back in July while searching for Billy. So can we please just come up with a new plan because I love her and I can't lose her again! He said that when Max was blaming him for controlling El, for not letting her make her own decisions. But, that's not what he was trying to do. Well, not purposefully, at any rate.
Eleven just wasn't sure why Mike came off as possessive to Max. He was just looking out for her and he wanted to end all of the supernatural shit as much as everyone involved did. But if El's life was on the line…
So when she heard him admit to Nancy and Jonathan and the entire Party, minus Dustin, that he loved her, she understood his overprotective behavior. And all the anger that she kept bottled up, anger at him for being so paranoid and for lying to her multiple times a couple days beforehand, melted away.
No, that didn't let him off the hook, she still wanted him to apologize—which he did, and he almost confessed that he loved her to her face while doing so—but she was relieved that Mike wasn't being a dick just 'cause he felt like it. He just wanted to protect her.
"Mike?"
"Yeah?"
"Remember that day?" El paused, her gaze falling away from his. "At the cabin?" She looked back up at Mike, finding his brows furrowed in confusion. "You were talking to Max?"
"Um... I don't think I follow," he was bluffing and he knew it. Hell, he was sure El knew it, too. He was well aware of what conversation she was referring to. Why she was bringing it up, however, did confuse him.
"Y-you talked about your feelings," she supplied, believing his bemusement. "Your heart," she added, maneuvering her free hand to the left side of his chest, her palm resting where the hollow organ was located beneath his ribs.
"Oh. Oh, yeah, that. Man, that was so long ago," he chuckled nervously, suddenly flustered by the somewhat intimate gesture of El placing her hand over his heart. He averted his attention elsewhere, too nervous to maintain eye contact. "Um, I don't know, it was just heat of the moment stuff, and we were arguing and um," with a sigh, he forced himself to meet her eye again, continuing to play dumb, "I don't really remember… What did I say, exactly?"
"Mike," she whispered, her hand sliding up to his jaw, moving herself closer to him, their faces inches apart. "I love you, too."
Mike's mouth fell open, in complete shock of the words that just left his girlfriend's mouth. He was sure that Eleven had overheard some parts of that argument but his brain didn't compute that she heard him say that he loved her, even though just moments prior she made it obvious that she did. El loves me. Holy shit, El loves me.
"Y-you heard," was all he could choke out, his eyes glassy.
"I did," she smiled, her tears finally cascading down her face. "I knew that you weren't trying to control me, Mike. I was just mad at you. And, Max convinced me that you were lying just because you could and that I should dump you. And I believed her at first because I was sad that you lied to me. But I never wanted to break up, I just didn't really know what to do in that situation."
"Well, clearly taking advice from Max wasn't the right way to go about things," Mike joked, a grin on his tear-stained face.
Rolling her eyes and chuckling, El playfully shoved the side of Mike's face into the pillow. "I know," she told him, removing the pressure she was forcing onto his jaw.
"I wish I would have just told you why I couldn't see you," Mike mumbled, reaching up to brush the loose curls out of El's face. "I didn't want to lie to you. I still hate that I ever did that." He paused, attempting to swallow the lump in his throat but failing, a sob escaping him instead. "I'm so, so, sorry, Eleven."
"No, no, don't cry, Mike," El begged, salty tears of her own flowing. She wedged her hand that was holding his between his rib cage and her mattress, the other that was cupping his jaw wrapping around his torso. She pulled his body against her own, hugging him tight enough to suffocate.
"You don't need to be sorry," she whispered. She felt Mike's hand that wasn't tangled in her hair snake around her waist, his tears dripping onto her neck. "I'm the one who should apologize. I was so… I was so mean to you. I'm sorry."
Pulling away from where his head was, he looked her dead in the eye. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Okay? Don't think about the dumb shit we might've said to each other. It's in the past, forgiven and forgotten. All that matters right now is that you're here with me."
A gentle smile tugged at the corners of El's mouth, "okay."
Without any warning, she leaned in, softly capturing Mike's lips between her own. He reciprocated the action, being just as gentle with each careful caress. The kiss was fueled solely by love, both of them wanting to show how much they truly meant to the other through that one simple action.
When they broke apart, Mike wasn't done with showering El in affection. He peppered kisses across her nose, cheekbones, and jaw, eventually trailing down the side of her throat.
El's eyes fluttered shut, perfectly content for the first time in a while. Barely thinking before she spoke, she let the words slip out easily, "I love you, Mike."
His entire body tensed, not accustomed to hearing those three words, technically four that time, come from her. With all the courage he could muster, his face still buried in the crook of her neck, he said what he'd been dying to for so, so long.
"I love you, too, Eleven," he sighed, kissing around her collarbone afterward.
Grinning like an idiot, she shot back, "I love you more, Michael Wheeler."
Mike pulled his face from her neck, shaking his head. He brought his hand up to cup her cheek. As he pressed a kiss to her forehead, he whispered,
"I love you most."