Chapter Nineteen: Take on the World.
"I can see, see the pain in your eyes
Oh, believe, believe me and I have tried
No I won't, I won't pretend to know what you've been through
You should've known, I wish it was me, not you
And just say the word, we'll take on the world
And just say you're hurt, we'll face the worst
Nobody knows you, the way that I know you
Look in my eyes, I will never desert you
And just say the word, we'll take on the world"
Date: Friday, November 15th, 1985
"You look like hell."
"Gee, thanks," Eleven deadpanned, taking her seat beside the redhead.
Max chuckled lightly at her best friend's reaction before her expression grew serious. "What happened, El?" She made sure to keep her voice low so as to not draw the attention of any of their peers.
Will, whose seat was on El's right, shook his head quickly at the redhead, praying that his sister would not see him do so in her peripherals. He knew why the brunette was so sleep deprived and that she would start crying if she tried to explain yet again.
"Just…" Eleven trailed off briefly, the images from the gut-wrenching dream she woke up from only hours earlier remained imprinted on her brain. Every time she closed her eyes all she could see was her father's body getting buried beneath blankets of snow, his mouth and the tip of his nose turning a sickening shade of purple.
It was just a nightmare, she told herself.
But then why did it feel so real?
Whenever Eleven found somebody in the void, it felt sort of like a dream—the way her lungs seemed to be incapable of taking in any air, the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach; an unsettling sensation where everything seems so real but when you open your eyes it was all simply your imagination. It was almost as if she was entering another dimension that only she had access to, her own little world where she could locate anybody she wanted to. It felt like her mind was playing tricks on her whenever she stood in the never ending plane of nothingness.
And the even weirder part of last night's events was that she wasn't in that place in her mind. She knew she wasn't. If she was, she would have seen darkness surrounding her and water beneath her feet. But she didn't see either of those things. Everything was white minus the body getting buried alive beneath millions of snowflakes.
With a heavy sigh, she mumbled, "Just a bad dream."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Max offered hesitantly, reaching over to hold El's shaky hand in an attempt to comfort her.
Tears burned the inner corners of the brunette's eyes. If she dared to speak, a sob would be the only noise to escape. Shaking her head, she squeezed her eyes shut and inhaled deeply through her nose, her hold on Max's hand tight enough to break her metacarpals.
Just as Max was about to tell Eleven that she didn't mean to upset her, the bell rang and forced the pair to remain silent.
Eleven haphazardly dropped her brown paper bag that held her lunch of an apple and celery sticks and took her seat at the cafeteria table where the rest of the Party had already begun eating.
"I'm trying again tonight," she announced.
"What?" Mike asked, his brows pinched in confusion. Taking a glance at the others, he noticed that all of them, minus Will, wore a similar expression.
"I'm gonna try to find him," she said firmly, never pulling her attention from where her hands rested in her lap.
Mike bit down on his tongue to the point where he could taste his own blood. He knew that El was going to be safe and that he would be right there with her, but it didn't make him any less paranoid. His life was controlled by all of the "What if's?" and there wasn't anything he could do about it.
Sucking in a sharp breath, he reached for her hand, gently holding it in his own. "Should we all bike to your house when school is over, then?"
"Yeah, my mom knows that she's trying tonight," Will said before El could respond. "She said you can come back with us and that she'll call your parents so they know where you are if you decide to join us."
Dustin, Lucas, Max, and Mike all nodded and continued to eat their lunches. They tried to make conversation but the air around them was thick with tension. None of them would admit it out loud, but they were scared that something would go terribly wrong. Yet none of them voiced their concerns, not wanting El to think they were doubting her in any way.
"You ready?"
Shutting her locker forcefully, El whipped around to come face to face with her boyfriend. Well, more like face to chest because he was so tall and extremely close to her at the moment.
When she craned her neck up to look at him, it was evident that he was just as nervous as she was. She knew why he was paranoid, he didn't want her to overexert herself or get hurt or something but he was trying to mask it because he didn't want her thinking he was controlling her.
El appreciated that he was worried about her, it would be alarming if he wasn't, but she had to stay strong. Keeping up that facade made her feel invincible. If any of her friends knew she was doubting herself whatsoever, her walls would collapse. She would feel like a failure and she would never find the strength to attempt to reach her father.
Taking a deep breath and squeezing her eyes shut to get a grip, she told herself to keep her head up. When she exhaled, she opened her eyes and locked them with Mike's. "Ready."
Mike reached down and intertwined their fingers, giving El's hand a comforting squeeze that she returned. The couple made their way down the long hallway and met their friends at the bike rack outside. Eleven mounted the back of Mike's bike and wrapped her arms around his torso once he was on.
Before he started pedaling, Mike looked over his shoulder at Eleven. "It's gonna be okay," he whispered. She smiled up at him and Mike copied her actions and added, "I promise."
"I love you, Mike," El mumbled, trying to swallow the lump forming in her throat. She nuzzled her face against his shoulder, not wanting him to see her crying.
"I love you, too, El."
He took off then, eventually catching up to their friends. Dustin, who was beside Mike, gave him a small toothless smile of reassurance, which Mike returned with a light chuckle.
Before they knew it, the six teens dismounted their bikes and set them outside of the garage as Will typed in the code to let them in. The shortest boy set his bike neatly against the wall while El led them inside the house through the mud/laundry room entrance and continued through the open doorway that connected to the kitchen.
"Nancy?" Mike was surprised to see his older sister sitting at the kitchen table with Jonathan and Mrs. Byers.
The brunette rolled her eyes at her brother and explained that Jonathan gave her a ride to school because Ted had already left for work and Karen had taken Holly to a doctor's appointment, which Mike would have known if he hadn't skipped his breakfast and left thirty minutes ahead of her. She then added that Jonathan invited her over after school in case anything went wrong. He figured she would have joined them anyways because El trying to get her powers back was kind of a big deal.
"I hope you don't mind that I told Nancy about everything that's been going on," Jonathan said to his adoptive sister.
"I'm happy you did," El replied honestly. She turned her attention to her boyfriend's sister and said, "Thank you."
"No need to thank me, El," Nancy chuckled, waving her hand dismissively. "I want to be here for you… we all do."
Tears clouded El's vision and she couldn't hold the gasp forming in her throat back as she threw her arms around Nancy, sobbing into her shoulder. Ever since she got to know everyone better, El never felt that she deserved any of the love that they showered her in. It overwhelmed her beyond belief that not a single one of the people standing around her thought of her as a giant fuck-up. In her mind, she was just some experiment with a number for a name who put the entire world at risk. And time and time again, Mrs. Byers and Mike and Hop had told her that it wasn't her fault but she always had trouble accepting that truth.
As she removed herself from the embrace with Nancy, El turned to Joyce with a look of determination etched into her features. The older woman didn't need clarification on what the girl was trying to tell her. Joyce knew it meant that El was ready.
"Where would you like to set up, sweetie?" Joyce asked.
"In my room," El said without hesitation.
The once-telekinetic marched up the two flights of stairs, her friends and family following close behind. She set her radio to static and dug out her sleek blindfold from her bedside table.
She sat cross-legged beside the yellow radio, squeezing her eyes shut and taking a few deep breaths. When she reopened her eyes, she found that everyone was watching her, anxiously anticipating for her to get started.
"Um," Eleven turned her attention to Joyce. "Is it okay if only Mike stays in here but we keep the door opened and everyone else sits in the other room? I want you all here, but being watched reminds me of before…" she trailed off, averting her gaze to the carpet. She felt badly, she really wanted all of them to be in there with her. But that sensation of being stared at while attempting to complete her task made things much more difficult.
"Yes, of course," Mrs. Byers said briskly. She took a few short steps over to El and knelt down to her level, grasping her hands. "I believe in you, El. But please, please, don't overexert yourself." Joyce inhaled sharply, willing her voice to not waver anymore than it was, "We all love you, with your powers or without."
El's facade broke, her tears freely trickling down her cheeks as she threw her arms around the woman who she had been looking up to since she'd met her.
Once Joyce released El from the embrace, everyone shot her a look of reassurance before exiting the room. Jonathan, being the last one to leave, left the door open on his way out.
Mike sat down beside El and grabbed her hand cautiously. She turned to look at him and smiled weakly, giving his hand a small squeeze.
Exhaling a long breath, Eleven pulled her hand from Mike's gentle grip and reached for her blindfold. Mike scooted back to give her some space, fearing he would somehow screw something up or make it harder for El to focus.
The pair sat in silence as the brunette tried to reach the void. It felt like hours had gone by but in reality, it had only taken around ten minutes for El to finally step into her mind. Her sudden gasp worried Mike, and as much as he wanted to ask her what was happening, he didn't dare to speak. He was relieved when El updated him a moment later.
"I'm in," was all she said, the waver in her voice hard to miss.
In the endless black plane, El turned around multiple times, searching for any sign of life. When she felt that all hope was lost, a small fleck of white in the distance caught her attention. Her breathing hitched, praying that what she may find wasn't what she had encountered in her nightmare, but she continued to approach the white mass as it grew in size as the distance between them was slowly minimizing.
It took her a few minutes to get close enough for the amorphous blob to take an actual shape. And when she realized it was definitely a body buried beneath a blanket of snow, her heart sank.
No, that can't be him, El thought. But deep down, she knew it had to be. Only once in her life had she ever discovered someone — or something — else instead of the person she was attempting to find. Even then, she had found the man that Papa wanted her to find and then the demogorgan appeared out of thin-fucking-air. She'd either find who she was searching for or couldn't reach the void, excluding that time when she tried to find Billy, but he was flayed and not entirely human when that happened.
"Kid?"
El snapped out of her daze at the sound of her name. She looked down at the ground, not noticing that she had been standing only a foot or so away from Hopper's body.
"H-hop?" She could barely whisper as her eyes met those of her adoptive father's.
"Yeah," his voice sounded strained and rough, as if there was gravel in his throat. "I miss you, El. I'm glad you found me."
So I could say goodbye. El knew he was implying those words, but they remained unspoken.
She nodded in agreement, kneeling down beside him. "How can you see me?"
"No idea," he replied, the faintest hint of a smile trying to pull at his mouth which had turned an ugly shade of purple as time slowly wore on. He tried to lift one of his bruised and torn up arms to hold her hand, but he could barely get it through the inches of snow building upon it.
The wince of pain that could only move his eyebrows and force his eyes shut as opposed to his entire face scrunching up, worried El even more than she had been. She could tell that there was more to his pain than the immense coldness from the snow.
"Where are you? Who did this to you? I can get to you and—"
"El," he cut off her rambling, though he could barely speak above a whisper. "You won't be able to find me in real life," he said. "I don't even know where I am, exactly. I just know it's somewhere in Russia."
"How?" She asked, unable to hold her tears back any longer. "How did you even get there?"
A sound that El assumed was supposed to be a chuckle but sounded much more like a quiet wheeze escaped his dry throat. "I don't know that either. The last thing I remember was trying to get away from the machine they used to open the gate. Then I woke up in a prison cell."
"I'm so sorry, Hop," El sobbed. "It's my fault that you're here. It's all my fault."
Hopper's heart, which was struggling immensely just to pump blood through his veins that were turning to ice, ached to hear her blame herself. None of this was ever her fault.
"No, it's not, kid. I promise you that."
Just then, El noticed that the sight before her eyes was beginning to slowly fade from her vision like heavy wisps of smoke. She started to panic, wanting to say so much more to him. Hop noticed this and called her attention back to him one last time.
"I'll be okay, kid. You'll be okay. I promise that you'll have a long and happy life, even if I'm not there," he took a deep breath before continuing. There was so much more he wanted to—needed to—say to her, but he was out of time. "I love you, kid."
El smiled as her tears continued to flow, "I love you, too, dad."
"El?" Mike asked, as she set her blindfold on the carpet. He grabbed a few tissues for her, hesitantly creeping closer as she reached to turn off the radio.
"He's gone," Eleven whispered, her eyes unfocused as they remained trained on the ground. "He's dead." She knew Mike was there and heard her side of the encounter, but she felt like saying it aloud in the real world would help her accept it.
"I know," Mike replied gently, his throat tight as he tried to stay strong for his girlfriend. She turned to see him kneeling beside her, holding out the tissues to ask without words if she wanted him to rid her face of the quickly-drying blood. She nodded, prompting Mike to sit cross-legged next to her. El weakly crawled into his lap and let her boyfriend gingerly wipe the thick streaks of crimson from her nostrils and ears.
"Why'd he have to die?" She croaked as Mike finished cleaning up the last of the blood.
"I don't know, El," he replied softly, tossing the tissues into the trashcan a few feet away from them. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Just hold me, please," her voice broke and Mike immediately wrapped his arms around her shaking body. She buried her face into his shoulder and clutched onto his shirt as she sobbed uncontrollably. Mike was crying, too. Not only because he hated seeing El so utterly broken but because he also missed Hopper.
Though they didn't really get along, Mike respected the man, he just never showed it. Why was I always such a fucking dick towards him? He was beyond ashamed of himself for his behavior towards his girlfriend's father. Hop had taken El in and kept her safe for all those months. If he hadn't, Mike would still be calling her every night from the fort, waiting for her to tell him she was there.
He would do anything to go back and change how he treated the man. Sure, Hopper shouldn't have glared at Mike when he showed up at the cabin everyday over the summer or have tried to break him and El up, but those were all consequences of Mike's "fuck you, you can't tell me what to do" behavoir.
Eleven cried in Mike's arms for another half hour before realizing she was in dire need of water. She tried to sit up, but the dizziness got the best of her and she collapsed into Mike's arms.
"El?" He asked urgently. "El, are you okay?"
"Water," was all she managed to get out.
"Okay, okay, hold on," Mike mumbled, brushing his fingers through El's unruly hair. A moment later, he called out, "Mrs. Byers?"
Joyce rushed into the room, eyes red and glassy and looking frazzled. When Mike made eye contact with her, he knew that she had overheard everything and was trying to stay strong.
"El was asking for water," but she doesn't want me to leave went unsaid, but he knew that he didn't need to. Mrs. Byers nodded and said that she'd be back in a minute.
Joyce quietly walked into El's room, leaning down to hand her adoptive daughter the glass of water.
"Thank you," El said as she took the glass and brought it to her mouth.
"You're welcome, El," Joyce replied. "Do you want to see the others or do you just want to be left alone?" She asked after El finished swallowing.
"I just wanna be with Mike," El mumbled, she felt guilty but she really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone at the moment. "Tell them I'm sorry and I appreciated them being here."
"There's no need to be sorry but I'll tell them," Mrs. Byers whispered reassuringly. "Get some rest, I'll bring up some food for the two of you when dinner's ready."
"Thank you," Mike and El said in unison. Joyce shot them a small smile and exited the room, gently closing the door behind her.
When El was done with her water, she handed it to Mike. He set the glass on her bedside table and helped El onto her bed. As soon as Mike laid down beside her, El threw her right arm over his abdomen, her head on his chest. "Please never leave me."
Mike glanced down at El, his heart aching at how utterly broken she sounded. His voice cracked a little when he replied, "I'll never leave you, El. I promise. No matter how bad things get, I will always be there to help you through it." He paused, exhaling a shuddering breath before he continued. "I'm so sorry that your life has been nothing but miserable. I'm sorry that whenever something good comes along, it gets ripped away from you. It's not fair, I just want you to be happy, El."
And as tears started to roll down his cheeks, Eleven rushed to wipe them away. "There's nothing to be sorry for, Mike. You saved me. You saved me when I escaped the lab and I don't ever want to think about what would have happened to me if you hadn't found me. Yes, it's going to be hard to adjust now that we know that-that Hop…" a sob cut her sentence short, and Mike just hugged her against him even tighter. "That Hop's g-gone," El continued weakly. "And I miss him, I'll always miss him, but as long as you're there, I'll be able to get through it. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"I don't know what I'd do without you, either, El," Mike murmured. "I love you."
"I love you, too," El smiled as much as she could at the moment and proceeded to capture Mike's lips in a soft kiss, her fingers tangling in his silky hair. It was short and reassuring, just what El needed from him. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
Mike brought his hand to cup El's jaw, his glassy eyes locking with hers as he whispered, "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me too, El."