The first thing Ginny had done when she woke up was smile.

She'd pulled her covers over her head and privately grinned, feeling small quivers all over her body as if her muscles couldn't take feeling so happy. She'd recounted the last night in her mind, savouring her memories. She and Marcus might have royally screwed up their first sexual encounter, but had completely made up for it that time.

Her lips were sensitive, and she'd lightly brushed her tongue over them, still dainty from firm kissing. There had been a tenderness on her neck from Marcus' mouth and her thighs ached almost luxuriously. All of them Marcus. Little traces of Marcus. Lingering moments of leftover sunshine.

She'd rolled over to her phone, wanting to send a good morning text to him.

Oh.

She'd forgotten.

Yesterday

H: I hope you're keen for your party

tomorrow.

I've got a special surprise for the best

birthday girl!

Ginny had frowned. She needed to tell Hunter, and soon, about the incorrect information Max had so innocently passed on to him. But not over text.

Today

G: Awesome, can't wait

She'd pursed her lips uncomfortably. Was she lying or not? On the one hand, she had enjoyed his dance. It was fun. It was also brief; the kind of surprise where if unwelcome, at least it's over quickly. But it felt nice, that Hunter organised something like that for her. Although it was public. Very public. An unbidden smile forced its way through her lips. How many people could say someone had done a tap dance in public for them?

She'd opened up her text thread with Marcus and was pleasantly surprised to see three dots, showing that Marcus was currently typing to her. She'd smiled and waited.

M: Is it dumb if I miss you already?

G: Yeah, you dummy

and no. I miss you too

M: Cool, both dumdums

G: Who you calling a dumdum,

dumdum?

He'd sent a snoozy selfie, his hair and eyes clearly showing he'd just woken up, with sloppily handwritten font saying 'u r a dum'. Ginny had laughed and sent a selfie back saying 'no u'.

It had been such a lovely morning. If only she hadn't needed to pee.

'You excited for your big sweet sixteen surprise today?' Georgia asked as Ginny sat down at the table for breakfast.

'Gosh, Mom, I don't know,' Ginny deadpanned. 'I had such a fun first surprise already when the mayor was naked in my bathroom.'

Ginny's frustration and anger with her mother seemed to know no bounds. Georgia had been seeing Paul for, what – two weeks? And he was already sleeping over. Austin had only just stabbed a kid in the hand and her mother was already acting like it hadn't happened. Mary had slapped and pointed a gun at Ginny only a few days ago. How could she just act like everything was okay?

What would Dr Darmody say…?

Hiding a mischievous grin, Ginny began to callously list some of the many names making up Georgia's ex-boyfriend roster under the guise of casual conversation, getting Austin in on it. Paul, a gentleman – outwardly at least, changed the subject.

'So, I hear your mom has quite the big day planned. Are you excited?'

'Not really,' she said, smiling at him sweetly, satisfied at the sour expression on Georgia's face.

The doorbell rang.

'I got it,' Georgia said mysteriously, rising from her chair and practically gliding over to the front door. Ginny waited like one condemned for her birthday surprise to hit her.

When Max, Norah and Abby walked in and yelled 'surprise', Ginny's expression fell even further and her teeth clenched. She burned with anger. In her own house? Georgia was really going to pull this in front of Ginny's friends.

Ginny stared at the bright, congenial faces of her friends who were so pleased to have kept this little secret from her. Ginny's worlds were mixing.

But it had been such a nice morning.

o
o - o
o - o - o
o - o
o

After a quasi-enjoyable day with her friends and a visit from the incomparable Avril Vagine, Ginny shushed her friends as they began to sneak out the window. Once they all crouched on the portico roof, Ginny instructed Max and Norah, the tallest, to go first.

'Great,' Ginny said, as they landed on the ground gracefully. 'Now you have to help me and Abby get down.'

Max and Norah stifled their laughter as Ginny lowered herself down as much as she could, her legs wiggling helplessly in the air in front of them.

'Ginny, Ginny,' Max said breathlessly, as she grabbed Ginny around the waist. 'Smile.'

Ginny looked down in time to see Max take a horrifically-angled selfie of the two of them. Max put her phone away and helped Ginny down.

'You delete that right now.'

'No, this will be a beautiful memory,' Max simpered.

After Norah helped Abby down, they ran as silently as four excited teenage girls could across the road. Safely ensconced inside the Bakers' home, Max began to set up some music and texted all the other invitees that the party was a go. Ginny excused herself to go visit Marcus, tugging at her white top.

She found him on his bed, sketching on an art pad. He glanced up when she walked in, his eyes severely bloodshot and unfocused. He glanced at her clothes, or her body. Ginny wasn't sure, but she allowed that sense of stasis to envelop her. Warm. Calm. Marcus.

'Save some for me?' she asked, hopping next to him on the bed. She leaned over and kissed him.

He didn't answer, but turned over to his ashtray, re-lit his joint and inhaled hard. He then pulled Ginny in for a kiss and breathed the smoke into her lungs. Ginny pulled back in surprise, coughing it all out. He grinned at her.

'Sorry, I see that was new for you,' he laughed. He handed her the joint itself so she could freely partake. 'So how long until I have to batten down the hatches?'

'Fifteen or twenty minutes,' she said, taking a hit.

'Hmm.'

He put his art pad aside and pulled Ginny in for a more serious kiss. Ginny tingled with another amazing feeling, her chest tight and excited like it contained a blown-up balloon. She may have held a literal drug in her hand, but Marcus was the one she chased. Her hand hovered awkwardly in the air, hesitant to move the smoking joint anywhere near Marcus' bedspread or his body. He pushed her downwards, mouthing on her neck, and down to her exposed belly.

Ginny gasped and gently pushed him away.

'Your door is wide open.'

'Ah.' He stood up and closed it, leaning against the door to do so, with an almost predatory look on his face as he gazed at Ginny. She swallowed in response.

'The rest of MANG are right downstairs,' she said, as Marcus came back and kissed her exposed belly again and began to undo her pants. He looked back up at her.

'We can stop if you want?' he asked.

Ginny looked away with a small smile on her face.

'Don't get bashful on me now,' he laughed.

'Wanting to stop isn't necessarily the right word. Shush,' she added as Marcus adopted a very smug expression, and leaned over to Ginny's hand to inhale from the joint still held between her fingers. Ginny took another hit herself afterwards, but nodded encouragingly, unable to resist chasing the happiness. 'We'd have to be quiet.'

'Well, that's up to you,' he shrugged, undoing her fly casually.

'And quick.'

Marcus pulled her pants and underwear off.

'Well, I dunno, this is my first time trying this, so I dunno how I'll good I'll be.' He pulled Ginny towards the edge of the bed so that her legs hung off, and knelt down in front of her.

First time? Ginny looked at him confused – and then suddenly was not confused at all as Marcus kissed her again – between her thighs.

Ginny was not prepared. Her eyebrows knit together; conflicted, she knew she should feel good, but a remarkably peculiar sensation blasted Ginny – she was in her mind, but not her body. She was cold, and her body alien. These were not her limbs. This was not her body.

For some reason, her mind flashed with the face of Kenny, her late step father.

How did she normally move? With a conscious effort, she surreptitiously trailed a hand down – somehow it was her hand – and rested the palm on the flesh of the right inner thigh, hiding the raised skin of burn marks. Perhaps Marcus had not noticed before, but he had a very different view now. Ginny tried to concentrate, or relax, she wasn't sure. The lungs froze in the chest that Ginny objectively knew was hers. She forced it to breathe. What if he saw? What if he saw?

Marcus stopped and looked up at Ginny.

'What's wrong? Do you want me to stop?'

From her remote room in the depths of her mind, she found she could still speak.

'Um,' she managed. She could see Marcus fighting through the marijuana-fuelled haze, his concern growing greater. Ginny tried to pull the legs together; they were rubber and almost non-responsive, but she managed to bring knees to rest against one another. Marcus awkwardly backed away from her.

He handed Ginny her underwear and pants, which she took absently, and clumsily put them on.

'Um, I'm sorry.' He pushed his hair back in confusion and looked at her at length. He raised a hesitant finger and pointed it in the vague direction of her house. 'We...we did have sex last night, right? I'm not just super high?'

Something about that question snapped Ginny back into control of her body. Ginny took in his face for a moment, scrutinising. He looked back at her, the very essence of confusion. Not passive aggressive, she determined.

'Marcus, you smoke too much if you honestly have to ask that.' She re-arranged her clothes, pulling down where her shirt had lifted.

She put Ginny away for a moment; the thing that looks like Ginny coming out in her stead.

Masked. Protected.

'That's probably true. But what's wrong?'

'Nothing.' She helped him up off the floor and pecked him on the cheek. 'I better get back downstairs and finish setting up.' She turned about and made to leave.

'Ginny?'

His voice, quiet and worried, ran through her like a blade, stopping her in her tracks towards the door.

The mask was not designed to keep out Marcus Baker.

'You didn't do anything wrong,' she said calmly as she turned back. Very polite. Non-confrontational. She wished he didn't look at her so earnestly, as she carefully re-arranged her features into an expression of standoffishness.

'But something's wrong.'

Ginny said nothing. Marcus put his fingers over his eyes and then stretched the skin out, groaning a little.

'Ugh, I'm too high for this. Are – are you okay?' He gestured at her; this seemed to focus him a little.

She smiled in a way she knew that came across kindly, and walked back over to give him a gentle hug.

'What are you doing?' he asked, pulling back and placing his hands squarely on her arms.

'What do you mean?' she blinked. Innocence.

He waved a hand in the general area of her face.

'That's my face,' she deadpanned, and anxiety ruffled just below the veneer of her composure.

Marcus looked at her sourly.

'That's not your face.'

Ginny blinked, and Marcus sighed.

'You don't have to tell me anything. But don't lie to me.' He sat down on his bed and pulled his sketch back over, quietly adding some more lines to the page. She was dismissed.

Ginny stood awkwardly, hoping Marcus' frown would ease and he'd look back up, perhaps resigned but no longer frustrated with her. He continued to draw, and Ginny's stomach sank; it landed somewhere around her knees. Her chest tightened in a bad way, like it closed in on itself. Shrunken and small without the active glow of Marcus' good favour.

There arose great raucous greetings from downstairs.

'Bro squad's all here,' Marcus intoned. 'You go enjoy your party.'

'Marcus…'

'Ginny, not right now.'

Suddenly furious, Ginny whipped around and stomped out, pulling the door shut behind her. Damn Marcus. Ginny was not going back in there. She made her way downstairs and joined the party.

'Birthday girl!' Hunter cried out, enveloping her in a hug.

Taken by surprise, Ginny smiled for real. She hugged him back. Warm. Not Marcus-warm. But still – warm.

'It's not even her birthday anymore,' said Press, who was at the table pouring himself a drink.

'Thanks,' said Ginny pointedly, giving Press a little side-eye.

'Ah, but she's still the party honoree.' Hunter pulled back and grinned widely at her. It didn't fill her like Marcus' smile did. But she liked that he was smiling at her.

'Hey Ginny, happy birthday!' called Sophie from over where Max had hugged/assaulted her in the doorway.

'Beirut!' Brodie yelled, where he had just finished setting up a bunch of plastic cups.

Ginny and Abby teamed up against Hunter and Press, wishing to lose because it gave Ginny the excuse to drink up, each time she tipped her head back draining a little of her confusing anger at Marcus away and trading it with the fuzziness of being tipsy. This was her party, and she would have a good time. Marcus or no Marcus.

However Ginny and Abby made quite a team and proceeded to wipe the floor with Press and Hunter, but there was enough of an alcoholic glow about her to assuage most of her frustration. Abby lifted and spun Ginny in celebration.

'Ginny!' Brodie almost roared at her. 'Birthday girl looking fire with that new hair!'

'Mm, thank you!' Ginny said playfully, swishing her straightened locks.

'I like it way better this way.'

Oh, no.

'If only you had an ass, you'd be perfect,' Brodie continued, completely oblivious. 'It's weird that you don't, but…' He tipped his head to the side casually, as if it was only mildly disconcerting to him that Ginny's butt was the disappointingly small size it was.

Ginny narrowed her eyes at him.

'Excuse me?'

She wasn't sure if it was the alcohol, or her halfhearted argument with Marcus, but Ginny was suddenly very ready to fly off the handle. She stared Brodie down, waiting for him to backtrack or double down, tense like a loaded catapult.

Hunter appeared beside her.

'Dude, just… - christ, man,' Hunter said, shaking his head, as if he couldn't believe what had just come out of Brodie's mouth.

Ginny couldn't tell if Hunter's assistance bothered her further.

'What?' Brodie asked, as Ginny walked away.

She just wanted to enjoy her birthday party. Her first real birthday party!

Her firm footsteps grew louder as she walked away from the music. She realised her feet were leading her upstairs to Marcus' room. She paused on the upstairs landing, staring at his closed door. She doubted that he wanted to see her.

'Hey,' said Hunter, who had followed her upstairs. 'You okay?'

Ginny turned to face him.

'He's a jerk.'

'Yeah, he was.'

Ginny strode forward, bypassing Marcus' bedroom and towards the guest bedroom. She sat heavily on the nicely made-up bed, and flopped backwards. She remembered that she needed to tell Hunter about Marcus and sat up. For some reason it seemed too provocative to be lying down. Hunter sat on the bed with her, and they crossed their legs towards one another.

'I'm so sorry about Brodie. I know he's my friend and all, but...honestly, I don't even think he knows I'm Taiwanese. Like I'm just all of Asia to that guy. I'm Thailand, Japan.'

They kept it light, chuckling a little, keeping the rumbling disturbance beneath the surface.

'Yeah. No, I'm white, I'm black. It depends on who you ask and what song is playing.'

'Yeah. No, I'm not Taiwanese to Asian folks. No. Then I'm white.'

'I love it when they piece it all together and get really gross and excited like, "What are you?"' '

' "What are you?" ' Hunter said back, eyes wide.

'I have no frickin' clue,' said Ginny, and she played with the bedspread.

'I know what you are,' said Hunter.

'Hmm?'

'You're beautiful.'

Ginny couldn't help it, she laughed. So cheesy. She cleared her throat.

'Sorry, that was sweet.'

Admittedly, it pleased her to hear Hunter say that. But she thought of Marcus, which panged her heart. She knew she should feel bad because Hunter liked her, and she didn't really like him back, but it was just so nice to be liked. And Hunter was easier, in a way. It was light and breezy. It didn't have the undercurrent of a storm like Marcus. There was no risk.

She really needed to tell Hunter about Marcus. The heavy weight of reluctance cemented her mouth.

'Do you want your special surprise now?' Hunter asked. 'I was going to give it to you in front of everyone, but now I think...maybe just the two of us?'

'Oh,' said Ginny. 'I forgot. Sure.'

Hunter stood up quickly.

'I'll go get it.'

'Wait,' Ginny said. She couldn't let Hunter give her a present and then sort-of-not-really break up with him right afterwards.

'What?' he asked, halfway out the door.

Ginny looked at him, heart beating rapidly. She thought of Marcus' stony face, the cool way he had ended their conversation, and the sudden risk of loss that Marcus posed. Hunter smiled politely while he waited, unassuming.

'...Could you get me a drink while you're down?'

'Sure,' he grinned, and raced downstairs.

Left alone with herself, Ginny tried to ignore the thoughts knocking on her mind. She stared at the plain bed covers.

Don't use Hunter.
He likes it, he wants it like this.
Hunter deserves better.
She kind of liked Hunter.
Don't lie.
Marcus probably doesn't love her anymore.
Don't be stupid, he said he loved her just last night.
That was before.
That was before.
That was before.

It started to grow all too loud. Ginny's mind was a cyclone, thoughts chasing one another like snapping dogs.

She wanted Marcus.

But she wouldn't go to him. She wanted her lighter. Ginny's nails dug into her palms; she distantly realised it had been a little while since she'd done that.

Ginny stood up, intending to run to the bathroom, but Hunter was back at the door.

'Sit down,' he grinned, handing Ginny a drink.

She fixed a smile to her face and sat back down. She sipped her drink. It wasn't very strong, that was no good.

Hunter pulled his guitar from behind back. Ginny raised an eyebrow. Hunter sat down on the bed next to her, spent a moment arranging his phone on the bedside table, and pulled a pick from his pocket. He cleared his throat.

'I'm not really a singer,' he prefaced, looking Ginny mock-seriously in the face. Ginny nodded in return faux-seriousness.

'Are you going to sing Happy Birthday now? What medium will you do next? A Happy Birthday dramatic reading?'

Hunter laughed.

'No, not Happy Birthday. I, uh, actually wrote this a little while ago.'

'Oh, an original.'

Hunter smiled and looked away as he strummed the first chord.

'I can barely breathe when you are near.
And I'm really, really, really scared you're gonna disappear.'

Ginny's smile faded as she listened.

'I can't breathe when you are near.'

Hunter looked back up at her, and for the first time ever, Ginny thought she saw just a hint of vulnerability on his typically confident face.

'I don't know how to tell you.

There's a million things I want to say.

From the moment I met you my heart grew.

And I think of you every day.

I can barely breathe when you are.

My life was in the darkness and you suddenly appeared.

You say words that I wanna hear.

I can barely breathe when you are near.

You're everything and more to me.

It's all I wanted you to know.

And if I hold you tightly, I'll never let you go.

I can't breathe when you are near.

And I really, really wanna drown your worries and your fears.

With you, I cry no tears.

And I can barely breathe when you are near.'

As his last strum faded away, Ginny swallowed. That was nice.

'Was...was that about me?' Ginny needed confirmation.

Hunter nodded.

'I think you're amazing. I really like you.' He looked over at the direction of the door, as if he needed a brief moment. 'Look, I know you need time.'

Ginny bit the inside of her lip a little.

'But I want to be your boyfriend.'

God, it was just so easy with Hunter. Everything on the table. "I want to be your boyfriend", boom. And in that moment, Ginny wanted to want Hunter. She wanted to want the guy that was so easily and so openly wanting to be with her, one of her friends, a natural extension of the group she'd found herself in. The guy that would be at her birthday party. Not the guy hidden in his bedroom.

Hunter glanced at her lips.

Yes.

No.

Just once.

But Marcus.

As Hunter began to lean in, Ginny was disconcerted. It was wrong. It wasn't Marcus. Hunter's kind eyes approached, a gentle smile on his lips. She wished the eyes were dark and intense, wished his lips were serious with his need for her, longed for stray locks of hair falling across a forehead, and for hands that gripped her.

He wasn't Marcus.

But he wanted her.

Ginny stood on a precipice. Heart pounding, she knew she had only a moment to make a choice. Hunter inched closer. It would be so easy – just stand up, or put a hand on his shoulder and hold him back. Say 'I'm sorry, Hunter, but I'm not really into you and I'm really into Marcus'.

But the split second ticked away, and Hunter's lips pressed softly on Ginny's. She closed her eyes in a pale imitation of enjoyment. There was no swoop in her belly. But there was a deep satisfaction in feeling wanted. Hunter placed a hand on the back of her neck, and Ginny allowed him to pull her a little closer. He placed a hand on her waist.

Ginny's mind was thoroughly occupied with idle thoughts, like how odd kissing could feel, or how Hunter's fingers were a little calloused on her skin. It was all empty and muscular. Completely without passion. But she allowed her lips to lie.

Her mouth tasted of Hunter and gratification, slaking a thirst for validation intrinsically built inside her that Ginny was terrified to realise existed.

When Hunter pulled back and smiled happily at her, it all disappeared, and Ginny felt slapped with the contrast.

She was Ginny again.

Empty.

And a fucking disgrace.