Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize is mine.

It was a typical morning at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The Great Hall was packed with students eating their breakfast and chatting about everything from Quidditch to lessons to Peeves the Poltergeist's antics. The ceiling, which had been enchanted to mirror the sky outside, was blue with clouds drifting lazily across it. At the High Table, Professor Dumbledore was chuckling at a joke Professor Flitwick had just told him.

At the Ravenclaw table, Luna sighed sadly as she nibbled on her toast. Just the previous day she had gotten a week's worth of detention from Professor Snape simply for being "disrespectful," and quite frankly, she thought this was downright unreasonable. Was it disrespectful to ask him to make a habit of washing his hair more often? Was it disrespectful to tell him how important it was to maintain good personal hygiene? And most importantly, was it disrespectful to warn him of the dangers of Lompies and that they were especially attracted to people with oily hair?

Luna was to serve her first detention that evening at 8:00. Ordinarily receiving detention in and of itself wouldn't have bothered her, but she had promised the Thestrals she'd pay them a visit that evening; the thought of breaking her promise made her want to cry.

The young Ravenclaw had just finished her toast and was pouring pumpkin juice over her cornflakes when the morning post arrived; Bartholomew, the Lovegoods' family owl, landed in front of her, nearly knocking over a nearby pot of coffee. There was a piece of parchment tied to his leg, which Luna quickly untied and unrolled. It read:

Luna -

As you know, the October issue of The Quibbler is due to be published in one week's time. I am writing because several of my readers have expressed an eagerness to read more about obscure goings-on at Hogwarts. So how would you like to write an article for this month's edition?

I eagerly await your story!

Love,

Daddy

Luna stared at her father's letter in shock for a few seconds before beaming widely. She had helped him with the cover designs for several Quibbler issues in the past, but this was the very first time Xenophilius had ever offered his daughter an opportunity to write an actual article. Despite the detentions ahead of her, at least she had something to look forward to.

8:00 sharp found Luna knocking on Snape's office door. "Enter," came the Potions master's icy voice from inside. As soon as Luna had stepped inside, Snape rose from his chair and walked to the door. "Follow me."

They subsequently made their way out of the dungeons and up the marble staircase; they kept moving upward until they reached the third floor, where the caretaker, Argus Filch, was waiting for them next to a suit of armor.

"You will polish every last suit of armor on this floor under Mr. Filch's supervision," Snape told her. "And no magic." Filch turned to Luna with a nasty grin on his face.

"Maybe next time you'll think twice before crossin' a teacher, eh, freak?"

"Oh, it's all right," said Luna serenely. "I don't mind doing things the Muggle way. And I wasn't trying to upset Professor Snape, I was just trying to - "

"Silence!" snapped Snape. "Now get to work."

About an hour later...

"You call this polished?!" yelled Filch after looking over the first suit of armor; Luna had just started on the second one. "Do it again, and mind you don't miss any spots this time!"

"But I polished that one three times already," replied Luna calmly. "It's just that it's hard to - "

"I SAID DO IT NOW OR I'LL MAKE YOU!" Filch roared. Luna sighed and got back to work.

The next few days passed and Luna's detentions continued with her doing various chores around the castle as Filch watched her like a hawk. On the fifth evening she was scrubbing the blackboard in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, humming to herself.

"Shut it, girl!" Filch snapped at her. The humming abruptly stopped as Luna turned around to look at the grouchy caretaker.

"i was only humming, sir. I find it helps me concen - "

"I don't care! I just want that board clean now!" As Luna went back to scrubbing the blackboard, her mind began to wander. She thought about how Filch had been yelling nonstop at her as she had performed the assigned tasks over the last few evenings. She also thought back to her first year, when Filch had been extra surly to everyone. And something told her that his cat, Mrs. Norris, being Petrified on Halloween of that year was not the only reason for his behavior...

A few days later, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting together at the Gryffindor table during breakfast; Ron and Hermione were bickering as they so often did.

"Honestly, Ronald!" Hermione said furiously. "Jinxing a first year in the corridor? That's low even for you!"

"He was a Slytherin, Hermione! And he used the M word on another first year!"

"That doesn't make any difference! You are a prefect, Ron, you should know better than that!"

"And you're Muggle-born, Hermione, I'd've thought you'd be on my side!"

Harry opened his mouth to tell them to shut up, but then thought better of it. Oh what's the use? he thought as he massaged his temples. Sooner or later they'll just start up again.

"Hello, everyone," said a vague voice. The trio looked up to see that Luna had drifted over from the Ravenclaw table holding the latest issue of The Quibbler. She stared at Ron and Hermione's faces for a moment. "You've been arguing again," she said matter-of-factly.

"Yes," said Hermione. "My fellow prefect here decided to attack a first year. Professor McGonagall caught him and gave him a detention. He's lucky he didn't lose his badge."

"Well, I do hope you don't have to serve it with Filch, Ronald," said Luna. Placing her magazine on the table, she added, "Speaking of which, there's an article in here I'd like you to see. I wrote it myself." With that she opened the magazine, and the group huddled together to read the featured article:

Argus Filch: Living Proof That the Dangers of Celebrating Halloween Are Real!

Every witch and wizard who has attended Hogwarts School any time during the last few decades is familiar with the infamous caretaker, Mr. Argus Filch, his faithful cat companion, Mrs. Norris, and his horrible temper, as well as his fondness for dishing out harsh punishments to troublemakers.

However, a reliable inside source believes there is a reason behind this man's belligerent behavior. As many of our regular readers know, Halloween is a most dangerous holiday to celebrate due to the yearly appearance of Octubytes, which are bat-like creatures that can possess any human being who comes into contact with them. Once possessed, the victim develops a very unpleasant attitude and is forced to do terrible deeds.

The best way to avoid exposure is to avoid any and all Halloween celebrations if at all possible and to never leave your home without protection. Unfortunately, most people do not believe in the existence of Octubytes; therefore, many have ended up infected, Mr. Filch being one such victim.

Many will recall the incident on Halloween night of 1992, when Mrs. Norris was found Petrified after the reopening of the Chamber of Secrets, as well as the aftermath of the event wherein Mr. Filch behaved even more viciously than usual. While many would argue that this was merely his reaction to what happened to his cat, we believe Octubytes are the true culprits. In fact, there's a possibility he has suffered multiple Octubyte infections over the course of his life.

In this edition of The Quibbler, you will find a free purple headband with a green veil attached. As Halloween approaches, we strongly recommend you wear this item especially if you will be anywhere near any Halloween feasts, lest you suffer the same fate as Mr. Filch.

When they'd finished reading, Harry and Ron looked at a loss for words. Hermione, however, glared at Luna. "Octubytes?! Really?!"

"Yes! They're very dangerous, you know, and - "

"Oh for heaven's sake! I might be able to buy your idea about Wrackspurts living in the History of Magic classroom, but blaming Filch's behavior on silly imaginary bat-creatures? Has it never occurred to you that maybe he's that way because he's bitter about being a Squib?"

"But Hermione, not all Squibs are that grouchy all the time. Harry, didn't you mention you have a neighbor who's a Squib?"

"Yeah," said Harry. "And she's nice. A bit batty, maybe, but nice."

"You see, Hermione?" said Luna calmly. "Squibs might feel bad about not fitting in properly with wizards, but they don't all find pleasure in hurting others the way Filch does. No, I'm quite certain he's been possessed."

"Oh, and I suppose you're going to tell us Octubytes possessed Umbridge too?" retorted Hermione.

"Oh no," said Luna. "I think she's just pure evil."

"B-but...how do you even - oh forget it!" grumbled Hermione. Luna then reached into her bag and pulled out three veils, each of which she handed to Harry, Ron, and Hermione. "I asked Daddy to make these for you," she explained. "And remember, you have to keep them on for the whole of Halloween."

As the blonde girl skipped back to the Ravenclaw table, Ron frowned after her. "That girl just keeps getting weirder and weirder," he muttered as the trio went back to eating their breakfast.

Many years later, when Luna looked back, she couldn't help but feel astounded about how much Halloween-related fun she'd missed out on because, much like the Crumple-Horned Snorkack, Octutytes were merely imaginary creatures her father had made up.