Never did I ever think I'd write a fanfic for SVU, yet here we are with Carisi and Rollins consuming all my thoughts and distracting me from some other stories I need to finish. So, as an attempt to clear my writer's block in my other stories, I had to write this one.

Forever

December 23, 2020

Amanda Rollins entered her apartment and was greeted by the laughter of Jessie and Carisi along with Billie babbling happily. She chuckled and shook her head slightly at the Italian Christmas Carol playlist streaming over the Echo Show speakers. Currently, Babbo Natale was playing, but she knew that soon enough Dominick the Donkey would play and Jessie would turn in to fits of laughter because she now realized that the Italian Christmas Donkey had the same first name as her Uncle Sonny.

"What's going on in here?" she asked as she shook the snow off of her jacket and kicked off her boots.

"Hi, Momma!" Jessie greeted happily. "We're making cookies! For Santa!"

"Cookies?!" Carisi chimed in, eyes wide, pretending to be upset, as he dramatically placed a hand over his heart. "Jessie, Jessie, Jessie...these aren't cookies. Dio mio!"

"Oh, yeah," she giggled. "We're makin' cannoli!"

Rollins crossed the apartment and entered the kitchen. "Santa likes cannoli?" she asked, arching an eyebrow at Carisi as she began to wash her hands at the kitchen sink.

"Of course, he does, Rollins. I have it on good authority that Santa is Italian."

She smirked. "I see." She dried off her hands and then gave Jessie a kiss on the forehead before she walked over to retrieve Billie from her high chair.

"Oh, no!" Jessie gasped after she squeezed the pastry bag too hard and the filling oozed out of the cannoli shell she was trying to fill. "I need a mopine!" She declared in an exasperated tone as she threw up her arms in frustration.

"A mopine is coming right up," Sonny said as he reached over to grab the dishcloth from the sink.

Amanda chuckled. Jessie was picking up on a number of random Italian words thanks to Carisi's constant usage of Italian-American slang and she found it adorable.

"I'm sad we can't have dinner with your mommy and daddy for Christmas, but I hope they like my cannoli. I wanna do a good job. Do you think they're good enough?" Jessie wondered.

"Oh, yes, you did a wonderful job," he assured her.

"And do you think we can talk to them through the door when we drop of the cannoli tomorrow...like we did for Thanksgiving?" she asked.

"Absolutely. My Ma and Pa are can't wait to do that. Ma just told me when I talked to her this afternoon."

"I can't wait to give hugs and kisses again," she said sadly with a sigh. "I don't like this virus thing."

Christmas looked different this year. Hell, everything looked different this year, but the one thing Amanda was so grateful for in this uncertain and unpredictable year was simple moments she would spend with her girls and Carisi – the people she loved the most in the world.

She knew the global pandemic was devastating, but the there was a tiny part of her that was grateful for it and she struggled with how that made her feel because it was brought her to this moment in time. The initial quarantine in March pushed her and Carisi to address the five-hundred-pound gorilla in the room when it came to their relationship and it was the best thing they have ever done.

He knew she need help with the girls during the quarantine and that she couldn't depend solely on Sienna during that time. And, truthfully, she knew that, too, even if she didn't want to admit it. It was hard enough being a cop and a single mother, but being a cop and single mother in the midst of a global pandemic was something she never could have prepared for.

Most of his work was online, and in person arraignments were few and far between, so it made the most sense for him to stay with the girls during the day. Most of his clothes now occupied space in her closet, his toiletries were next to hers in the bathroom, and he couldn't remember the last time he made a trip back to his own apartment grab anything other than the mail. He even had plans to sublet his apartment at the end of the month in order to make their living arrangement more permanent.

The progression from friends to lovers happened so organically that she cursed herself for all times they let their opportunity pass before. Being with him- being together- by some miracle, just came easy for them. The sex was fantastic, settling into this little domestic bubble was amazing, and even their bickering and arguing didn't change much. It felt so complete – like it was always meant to be - and it some ways, like it always had been. The nightly rituals of putting Jessie and Billie to bed after bath time and story time shenanigans was the kind of stability she craved her entire life. For the first time in a very long time, she was totally and completely happy.

May 2020

She would never forget the night – two months into their new normal – when Jessie woke up yelling for Uncle Sonny after a nightmare. After the initial shock of her daughter wanting Carisi and not her wore off, she quickly made her way down the hall to Jessie's room.

She wasn't surprised to discover that Carisi was already there, and whatever initial jealousy she felt for a moment, had passed when she watched the scene in front of her. Carisi was sitting on the edge of the small twin bed, holding Jessie and whispering soothing words to her as he gently rocked her back and forth. "Do you wanna tell me about it?" he asked softly.

Jessie sniffled and buried her face against his chest as her little arms went to squeeze him as tightly as she could. "Momma didn't come home...like before. I looked for her but she wasn't there."

"Oh, Jessie," he sighed, knowing instantly she was talking about the night the Bucci had taken Rollins hostage.

"It scared me."

"Me, too," he thought to himself. "Your Momma," he finally began, "she's so brave and so smart, and she'll always do her best to come home to you and Billie." Handling this particular nightmare, was a lot more complicated than he thought. He knew Jessie just needed to be soothed, but the truth was her mother had a risky job and he didn't want to make promises to the child that were out of his control.

"And you, too, right?"

"What?"

"Momma will always come home to you, too, right?"

Not knowing what to say Carisi simply nodded his head.

"I'm glad birthday wishes come true," Jessie said softly as her eyes grew heavy.

"What do you mean by that, cavatelli?" Carisi asked as he helped Jessie crawl back into bed and adjust the the covers.

Jessie giggled at the nickname. "My birthday wish was that you'd stay forever...and you did!" She exclaimed happily with a sleepy smile. "You live here now!"

"I, uh, um…" he stammered. Did he live here now? No, he didn't. It felt like he did– like it should be permanent, but he was only quarantining here, he reminded himself. Any day now, this happy little bubble they made had the potential to pop, and the thought of that happening devastated him.

"Maybe for Christmas, I'll ask Santa if you can be my daddy and not my uncle," Jessie continued. "I wonder if Christmas wishes come true like birthday wishes..."

There was no need to reply to her because no sooner than she said it, Jessie was fast asleep. Carisi sighed and reached over to adjust the covers once again. "I hope Christmas wishes come true, too," he whispered as he placed a kiss to her forehead.

When he existed Jessie's room, he came face to face with Amanda in the hallway. "I think we need to talk." He said firmly.

He was in lawyer mode as Amanda would call it. She couldn't read his expressions, but he didn't seem angry or happy. If she had to pick one word to describe his mood, it would be "serious" or maybe even "determined" -it was hard to pick between the two.

She nodded. "I know." And in a move that surprised him, she reached for his hand and held it as they walked down the hallway and to the couch – or as it was referred to now, his bed. When they finally sat down, she released his hand.

"What are we doing here?" he asked as her scrubbed a hand over his face. "This?" The hand that just was scrubbing over his face was now waving around the room. "What is this?"

"I...I don't know."

"I know you heard what Jessie said."

"I did," she confirmed.

"We need to figure out whatever this is between us because stringing the kids along like that... It's not fair...to them or to us," he tacked on softly. He knew one thing for absolute certain – the reason he was still single and any relationship he had fizzled after a few weeks – was because he would always put Rollins and her girls first. No other woman could compete with that. "You have to know how I feel about you...and your girls."

Rollins shifted on the couch and drew her knees up to her chest as she bit her bottom lip. "I do...and I feel the same way about you, Dominick."

"You shot down a few of my attempts... like at the motel." That was the night he forced himself to accept that whatever feelings he had for her would most likely always remain unrequited.

"We were both drunk...I didn't want us to end up together under those conditions. I just wanted a one-night stand, and I knew I could never have one with you. A one time fling would never be enough with you."

"I wanted you. So bad."

"I know you did; I wanted you, too, and definitely not in an alcohol induced hook up kind of way. That wasn't our moment. I wanted more...I wanted the real deal even though I knew that I wasn't good enough to be in a relationship with you," she confessed. "That's why I had to push you away...to protect you from me."

"Manda," he shook his head as he reached for her hands. "Come on, that's ridiculous."

"I'm serious. I came from a dysfunctional family and I thought I would be better than that, but sometimes I realize that I'm not. I'm an addict. I have two kids with two different men who want hardly anything to do with them, and I mess up everything no matter how hard I try to get it right. You ...you deserve better. Someone who can cook Italian dinners with your mother, and sew Halloween costumes with your sister. Someone who has experience being in a family. I can't cook. I can't sew. Hell, I can barely clean the apartment or do the laundry without messing something up. I'm inept."

"You are not."

"I'm not the Italian housewife you deserve."

"I don't need an Italian housewife...I'm basically an Italian housewife," he teased.

Her snicker quickly turned into laughter as she pulled her hands from his grasp to playfully swat his chest. "You aren't wrong there, I guess." Then she grew serious again. "What if I mess this up because I don't know how to be in a family?" She took a fistful of his shirt in her hands.

He moved so he could reach out to cup her face – he cradled it so gently between his hands. "We're already a family, Manda. We've been a family for a long time. It's like we've been dating all along in some ways. But now...since we're putting a label on it and all...now we can do the other fun stuff, too." He voice took on a bedroom tone and he winked at her.

"What? Like taking the girls to the beach?" She teased. "In case you forget, there's a pandemic going on out there."

"No. That's not what I'm talkin' about and you know it." He pushed her back against the arm of the couch. "That's not what I'm talkin' about at all," he said softly before his lips claimed hers.

"Hey, Jessie...why don't you play in you room for a little bit. I need to talk to Sonny about some grown up things."

"Okay, Momma," Jessie replied as Carisi helped her down from her seat at the table and removed her powder sugar covered apron. Soon, she was on her way to her bedroom to presumably play with her dollhouse.

"What's wrong, Amanda? It seems serious."

"It is serious, but I don't think anything is wrong per se. Here, hold Billie for a minute. I'll be right back," she handed the baby to him walked over to the door to retrieve a folder from her bag. "I need you to look over these files. Let me know what you think."

"A new case at work?" He called after her.

"No, not for work. It's, uh, personal."

"Personal?" He shifted Billie to one arm and opened the folder with his other hand. Rollins watched as his expression changed from confusion to clarity.

"Is this...when did..." he couldn't seem to formulate a complete coherent sentence.

"This has been something I've been thinking about truly ever since Billie was born, but the pandemic...it made it all seem more real. If something happened to me either because of my job or the damn virus, I didn't want the girls to be separated. I had Barba put me in touch with an attorney who was able to help with that. I don't want girls to end up with my mother, or in foster care, or with Murphy or Al, and we all know Kim can't handle it. I want them to be with you. You're the best father figure they've ever known...the only father they've ever known, truly. You love them like your own. And I know that you'd go to the ends of the Earth for them."

"I'm speechless..."

"You can't possibly be surprised by this, right?"

"Not at all, but it's just...I don't know how to put it into words. I, obviously, know how the law works and that if God forbid something happened to you the Courts would generally favor a placement to a genetically related guardian for the kids, but I swear to you, Amanda, I would have not let the happen without a fight. I would have done everything to keep them together...to keep them with me, ideally, but definitely to keep them together wherever they ended up."

The mood grew solemn and Amanda bit her lip – neither one of them liked talking about death. "I know, Dominick. And I know that wouldn't be easy, and that it probably wouldn't even be successful. That's why this should have been done a long time ago. The attorney couldn't believe that as a cop, I didn't take care of this from the get go, and she really couldn't believe it when I told her that I was dating a cop turned lawyer and I still didn't take care of this." Truthfully, she felt really stupid for just hoping for the best and not preparing for the worst.

Sonny wrinkled his nose. "Yeah, we dropped the ball big time," he thought back to Bucci again and how that situation could have had a terrible result. "Even as just your friend, I should have pushed more about you making a will and what not."

"Yeah, we got lucky." She cleared her throat. "Well, there's one more important document, Counselor." She handed him another stack of papers.

He furrowed his brows and began to read the new set of papers she handed him. "Murphy and Al relinquished their paternal rights?" He loved those girls so much that he couldn't even begin fathom how their fathers would sign away rights to them. It made his stomach churn.

"Yeah," Amanda nodded. "Neither one of them thought twice about it. I mean, Al's the one that wanted me to have an abortion in the first place, and pandemic aside, he's only seen Billie three times in her entire life. I think he's glad he won't have to pay child support anymore. And with Declan, well, he knows that he'll never have a real father-daughter relationship; he's more like an uncle to her. They have fun when he's here, but that's about it. He's okay with that. Also, he agreed whole heartedly that if something happened to me, Jessie should be with you. Both of them knew that giving up their parental rights was best for the girls, and they know the door is always open to keep a relationship in tact should they want to. I'd never keep them from seeing the girls. I'm not a monster. This was just really important to do, too. How did the lawyer phrase it..." Amanda snapped her fingers. "Oh, yeah. She said this just makes it so the girls are free to be legally adopted once we get married."

He was still only half processing the words coming out of her mouth. "And the judge agreed?" Obviously, the judge agreed. He had the papers right in front of him, but he still couldn't believe it. Carisi didn't have much family law experience under his belt – only a handful of mandatory courses from law school - but he knew that a New York Court accepting to release Declan and Al from their parent rights before they even filed a motion for him to adopt Billie and Jessie was so rare. There was only one similar case he could recall from law school, and the judge denied the motion and the father was not allowed to relinquish his rights in that case.

"Yup. Barba hooked me up with the right attorney. Amelia Stephenson," she said for the record. "And like I said...Al and Declan testified that this was best for the girls."

Carisi was pretty sure that the silly grin on his face would become a permeant fixture for a long time. Adopt the girls? Marry Rollins? He couldn't wait to tell his family tomorrow. He felt like he was walking on water. "Wait... you said "once we get married." You proposin' to me, too, Detective?" His brain and his emotions were finally catching up with one another.

Rollins took a step closer so that they were toe-to-toe. "What if I am?" she countered her eyes locking with his.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. This," she waved her hand around the room, "is what I want. Forever."

She was shocked when he walked away from her and over to his makeshift office area in the corner of the room. He stopped to deposit Billie in her playpen and handed her a stuffed animal before rummaging through his briefcase. When he turned around a moment later, he was holding a square jewelry box.

"I've had this for a while, but I didn't want to do it too soon. I've been debatin' the right time. You beat me to the punch." He opened the box and held it out to her, smiling when she let out a small gasp at its contents. "I didn't want to pressure you into anything. I was afraid you'd think we were moving too fast...but the truth...the truth is, I want forever, too. And I want it as soon as possible."

"Me too," she grinned as she slipped the ring on to her finger. "Forever and always."