Tw: again mentions of dark and depressing thoughts bordering on suicidal thoughts
Ty lay silently in bed that night staring at the ceiling, after his emotional break he had found it increasingly hard to even think about sleeping, well, that and the fact that because of it Kit had decided to find a sleep mat and pull it into his room. It was sad really, it made him sad, yeah. Most people would've thought it sweet that a friend was so concerned that they wanted to stay with him and check on his well being, but, all Ty could feel was guilt that Kit even felt the need to do this. Was Ty selfish? Maybe Livvy would have dealt with this better after all, and maybe Ty needed to stop thinking like that. He thought back to the conversation earlier.
'And I don't think he is okay, he told me he thought Livvy's life was more important than his own' Kit had said, speaking on Ty's behalf as by request. Ty couldn't say those things to his older brother just yet.
'Oh Ty… why didn't you say anything?' Julian had looked at Ty the way one might look at a distraught child.
'Why does everyone keep saying that?'
'Because we care Ty, we care so much and I don't think we realised how much you were hurting' Ty met Julian's eyes slowly and by the angel was the pain so very visible that it was unmistakable. Ty had hurt Julian with this and badly.
Ty wanted to feel bad but he had also struggled with this weight for so long that he didn't want to let it go because then he'd have to surface above it and deal with the grief of it all once more.
'It just hurts so much' Ty didn't elaborate on the whole redoing of the spell that had resurfaced these simmering feelings.
'I know' Julian said solemnly 'it hurts me too and I can't imagine how you feel since she was your twin… I just wish you'd told me. I think we need to work through this properly, together'
'I'll be here for you too Ty, okay?!' Kit, who had been silent throughout, spoke once more.
Ty thought Kit would be way more willing to bring Livvy back permanently since he'd seen the other boy kissing her back in London all those years ago. Surely that meant he liked her at least? Still, the thought that Kit wanted to be there for him unfurled something warm in his chest.
They had stayed talking for a long time reminiscing over his sister and beginning to work through his trauma. Ty was beginning to realise that maybe, just maybe, he was loved more than he knew after all. By no means would the barrage of intrusive thoughts stop telling him otherwise but at least he now had people to help him combat them.
Kit had then taken Ty back to his bedroom and tucked him into bed before quietly leaving the room. For some reason, Ty was desperately sad that the other boy had left and wished he had stayed instead. About 5 minutes later however, the door to his room opened once more and in snuck Kit with a bedroll in one hand and what seemed to be bags upon bags of snacks in the other. Ty had smiled softly and welcomed Kit, who had dumped everything out on the floor before offering out the snacks, inside.
Suddenly, Ty became aware of the other boy gently speaking, no, humming something under his breath. He recognised the melody somewhere deep in the back of his mind but couldn't quite puzzle it out.
'What are you singing?' he asked, curious.
'Oh, nothing… sorry I didn't realise you'd have been able to hear me, I hope I didn't disturb you' Kit seemed embarrassed he thought?
'No, its okay I wasn't sleeping' he didn't like seeing Kit uncomfortable.
'It's a song my mum used to sing to me, Tessa changed into her once and sang it to me.'
'Oh, well it's beautiful' Ty thought hard, where and how had he thought he'd heard it before then?
'nǐ zhēn piào liang.' Ty heard Kit mumble, he wasn't sure what it meant or whether it was even a sentence but he wondered why Kit had chosen those words.
Considering how quiet it was -and tired he was- he could have easily misheard yet, Ty had to say he was intrigued. They then fell into a comfortable silence of sorts just content in each other's company while they were lost in their own thoughts.
Three hours of staring up at the ceiling and thinking about Livvy later, Ty decided he had to get out of bed. The sun had begun to peek out over the top of the curtain pole which meant that it wasn't too early to go have breakfast. Slowly, he sat his heavy and exhausted body up and turned to swing his legs over the edge of the bed. That's when he met a rather worried looking Kit.
'Why are you looking at me like that?' he asked cocking his head slightly.
'How are you feeling?' Kit's voice was rough with a lack of sleep, and angel help him, Ty loved that sound… Now wasn't the time he reminded himself, there was far too much going on at the moment.
'I don't know' an honest answer.
After hours of thinking, he had decided that perhaps he had over reacted based on the tensity of the situation. Not about his feelings, no, they had been sat somewhere inside him for a while and the worst thing was that he meant it all. No, he had perhaps over reacted about the whole process itself and perhaps Kit was right in that they needed to do this. Ty didn't really want to die, he didn't think, he just wanted the pain to end, wanted his sister back and didn't want to have to hurt her for himself to be okay. He still meant the entire sentiment when he said that he'd give up his life for hers because of course he would, they were twins and were always meant to do life together, and from the moment Ty began to understand that in his youth, he had always thought the same thing: "I would die for you to live". A sentiment no other person in his life would really, truly be able to understand.
Livvy had put a song on his phone a few years ago from a mundane artist, one of the few on there that had lyrics. The one line that had played over in his head since his outburst 'I don't want to die but I'm not keen on living either' seemed to sum up how he felt right now. Having Livvy, even as a ghost, had meant he hadn't had to deal with losing her and now, the small bubble of grief he felt the first time had had time to fester inside and grow like a cancer. He knew that when he lost her this time, knowing she wasn't coming back, it would absolutely kill him and he wasn't ready for that pain. At least this time he had Kit and his brother around him and they both knew at least part of the story so would be able to help him through it all.
His head had been spinning all night, but with the help of Julian and Kit he knew that he had to do this, he had to let his sister go to save them both and he had to live for her no matter the pain and anguish it caused him, though he knew it would be insurmountable.
'Ty?' Kit said, apparently Ty hadn't been listening
Ty tried to focus his eyes back in and was met with a now stood up, yet distractingly topless, Kit.
'Oh- um yeah?' Ty mumbled out.
'I asked if you wanted to go get breakfast now we're up' Kit smiled at him.
'Oh, yes actually I was thinking the same thing' Ty blinked his tired eyes slowly and tried to smile back 'also, I think I'm ready to start preparing to do the spell. I'm not ready for the spell itself yet but I was thinking about it and I don't want Livvy to turn into an angry ghost, I don't think she'd like it and I think she'd hate it if she knew she was hurting me.'
'Oh, uh, that was quick,' Kit's face pulled taught 'maybe too quick?'
'I don't think so, I mean I only want to look for the ingredients, I'm by no means over this, it still hurts really bad and I don't want to kill my sister ever nor do I want to do the spell'
'Well, okay then! Like I said before we can build up to it, starting with finding the ingredients'
Ty nodded and stood up moving over to his drawers to pull on a t- shirt before turning to check Kit was getting up too.
Kit was worried after their conversation, Ty had gotten over it quickly, too quickly. Nobody was able to process that type of trauma that fast and usually not alone. Kit worried that Ty was pushing it down for his or Julian's benefit, he'd seen the same thing before with his own father.
Kit had snuck downstairs once when he was a kid and at the half landing noticed his father sat on the sofa holding something in his hand and… crying?
It had been a long day at school so Kit had gone upstairs after dinner to finish his homework and then go to bed. His father had been out at the market by the time he'd gotten home, having left a note for his son to find on the coffee table as he usually did, telling the boy to stay safe and hide if anyone came to the door. So Kit had done as he had done many times before and checked all of the locks and sigils before moving upstairs.
Around 2 or 3 hours after Kithad gone to bed, he was awoken by a loud crash and a sense he didn't even know he had suddenly kicked in. As silently as he could, Kit peeled out of bed and tiptoed towards the hall, grabbing a paperweight as he went. He didn't know what he would do with a paperweight against an intruder exactly, but he knew not to be weaponless.
When he reached the half landing however and peered around the balustrade, he saw his father. At first, he didn't know what he was looking at but as he edged further around the corner and listened for a few beats he realised that his father was crying. Kit had never seen his father express any emotion other than anger or jaded bitterness and wondered what had brought on such a big emotion. A few moments later, he had realised that Johnny was holding something in his hand and moving it between his fingers. It seemed to be a long, colourful slip of fabric, perhaps a scarf or a tie?
'Rosemary, I thought I saw you at the market today and I realised just how much I miss you. Yesterday Kit got his handwriting award at school and he was so proud but I missed the ceremony because I had to visit Cedar Valeroso for the memory spell. Well, that and the fact that I don't know how to do being a parent, how to face it all alone. He looked so sad when he found out I wouldn't be coming...I'm sorry I can't be what you would have been for him.'
Kit couldn't listen to this anymore, so he simply turned away silently and tiptoed back to bed promising never to mention this to his father or anyone else for that matter.
His father had never shown an emotion like that again, as far as Kit knew, and he had never mentioned it, but he knew that his father had always been bent and broken by those emotions. Said emotions had fuelled his father's paranoia and deadly delings even further and eventually been a part of what got him ripped to shreds.
Kit just hoped that the same horrible turmoil didn't befall Ty and end up taking his life in much the same way. Kit couldn't live with himself if something happened to Ty… and that's when he got a glimpse of what Ty might be feeling right now. He had to get to the bottom of this and fast.
Ty looked over to Kit and saw the giddy smile that was creasing it's way along his cheeks and lighting up his face in a way Ty hadn't seen in a long while. He took in the way it lit up his beautiful ocean eyes and felt his heart flutter once more. Coming to terms with his feelings hadn't staved off the butterflies, it had in fact seemed to feed them further, but saying those words had certainly helped ease the weight of the feelings. By the angel though, Kit was beautiful when he smiled and Ty knew he would do anything, would follow him to the ends of the earth even, just to see the other boy smile like that again.
'If Kit's going so am I' Ty said with a surety even he was surprised with, and Kit smiled even wider if that were possible.
Dru beamed excitedly from across the table and picked up her spoon 'okay let's get packing then!'
'I'm eating my frittata first though,' Kit shouted after Dru who had stood up and started leaving the kitchen, the chains on her jeans jingling quietly.
'Yeah, yeah you pretentious so and so' she called back and Ty suppressed a giggle at the two of them bickering like siblings.
'Don't laugh, this thing is delicious if I do say so myself' Kit said
'Okay Kit'
'Heyyy don't be mean, I made this with great skill' Kit rebuffed.
Ty rolled his eyes 'you took it out of a bag and put it in the microwave, that does not constitute as making it by hand'
'Whatever'
They had ended up broaching the topic of leaving with the Blackthorn and co. clan at lunch and all had been in favour of them leaving, stating that Dru deserved a holiday and that they could hardly deny Kit seeing his family. Magnus and Alec had been overjoyed as they had desperately missed their children and Alec's moping was becoming noticeable, though, like a good shadowhunter, he would never let his feelings get in the way of his duties.
Dru, Kit and himself were now all stood in the foyer of the institute over the watchful eyes of Raziel. Alec and Magnus were off to the side trying to ready a portal while Tavvy was telling them all the things they needed to tell Max and Rafe about the latest video game they were all interested in.
There had been round after round of hugs, the tightest and most fierce coming from Julian who had whispered to him "let Kit help you" before turning tail and standing at the bottom of the stairs with his arm around a contented Emma and the rest of the family. Ty was glad Julian and Emma had found each other and were so happy together.
The portal opened up behind them with a roar of blue sparkles mere seconds later. Alec went through first claiming it was the safest option, Dru followed and then Kit and Ty were to go next, Magnus following behind to close it. On an impulse faster than he could stop, he reached out and took Kit's hand. The other boy tensed for a second before softening his grip and pulling Ty through the portal.
The other side opened out onto the front garden of Cirenworth, the early evening light casting an amber glow on the brickwork. The training purple wisteria looked almost blue in this light and the world around them was gloriously still. Ty took one steady breath and relaxed at the clear country air that filled his lungs. He could understand why Kit liked this place so much, it did have rather a calming effect to it. Ty slowly let go of Kit's hand and began up the path after Magnus who had almost ran up it assumedly excited to see his kids. He missed the comforting warmth that the other boy had provided almost instantly but didn't want to scare Kit so kept moving assuming he would follow.
'Dude this place is so cool, it's like one of those period drama shows' Dru said excitedly
'And how would you know what one of those looks like Drusilla?' Kit raised a brow looking back at her.
'They're my guilty pleasure, now shut up or your face can meet my fist again.'
'Nah I could take you this time! Anyway you haven't even seen the inside yet'
As they made it up towards the door, it began to creak open and they were met with a smiling Tessa Grey in a rose pink tea dress holding a wiggling Mina.
'Kit Katttttt!' Mina yelled trying, yet failing, to jump out of her mothers arms.
Tessa carefully put her down and in moments she was at her brother's feet smiling brightly. He picked her up with ease and span her around a couple of times 'oh I missed you Min Min!'
Ty's heart clenched with adoration at the sight and he felt the butterflies run riot again.
'Hello everyone and welcome back to Cirenworth Hall' Tessa said sweetly 'now do come into the warmth and I'll pop the kettle on'
The withdrawing room was blissfully warm and welcoming, the fire set burning behind its grate and the television playing some kind of kids show Ty didn't recognise. He still wasn't used to how cold Devon seemed to be, especially considering they called this their late spring. It'd been so much warmer in LA already, let alone how warm it got in the summers.
'Bapak?' a voice came from behind the entryway followed by its owner.
'Oh my little blue raspberry how much I missed you, I hope you were kind to auntie Tessa and uncle Jem' he said, bending down to hug the boy warmly.
'I was, auntie Tessa even helped me learn how to make vines grow'
'Wow buddy that's awesome' Alec said also on his knees 'where's your brother?' he followed with, and Ty looked around unable to see the other boy.
'He's coming he has a surprise though' Max's eyes shone with mischief.
With that, Rafe entered through the other door carrying a plate of what looked like cookies 'bienvenido papa and bapak we made cookies for you' the older boy said, holding the plate outward proudly.
'Destroying the kitchen in the process just like every lightwood I've ever known' Jem said, appearing behind him but with a playful smile.
Magnus returned the grin 'Yes that lot are rather, how shall I put it, clumsy if not explosive, for a prominent shadow family' clearly sharing a memory with Jem.
'Hey you're married to "one of that lot"' Alec said using air quotes.
Moments later, Rafe and jem had disappeared back towards where they came and returned with plates and a gold and red tea service that looked older than almost everyone in this room. They all found a seat, Kit with Ty on one of the plush velvet sofas, and sat with their tea discussing what each team had been up to. The Centurions had apparently been less frequent with their visits without Ty, preferring to stay at the pub it seemed. Ty wasn't shocked by this as his team were fairly quiet and some painfully shy.
As people began to retire, Tessa and Alec first to put their children to bed, the room began to thin and Ty decided to follow suit, taking Dru with him up the large main staircase.
'So, why were you holding Kit's hand earlier hey?'
Ty almost missed his step, of course Dru had noticed 'so I didn't get lost in the inbetween' he tried.
Dru rolled her eyes 'sure' but she pushed no further as Ty led her to the guest wing where he had stayed last time.
'The bathroom is down the hall when you need it, the first door on the right after the purple vase' Ty said, before turning and moving to his own lodgings.
'Thank you Ty and goodnight' she called down the hall after him.
He opened the door and immediately straightened, someone was on his bed.
'Oh would you calm down, it's only me' a familiar voice, Kit's voice, drifted over to the doorway.
'I could've killed you' he shouted, still in fight mode.
'Yeah but you didn't did you, plus, if you did that'd be a real bummer. Now come here we need to talk plans'
'Hmm' was all Ty replied as he dumped his luggage on the floor and moved to sit opposite Kit.
'I talked to Jem and he offered to come to the London Shadow Market with us tomorrow to start looking for ingredients'
His heart dropped… that soon?! Well he said he'd do it so he would 'Okay, but I thought you said London was hours away?!'
'Oh it is, Magnus is coming too, said he wants to meet up with a few people and see the sights so he said he'd portal us all there too'
Ty nodded, swallowing down the knot of dread that tried to escape from between his lips. This was happening then… he was going to have to kill his sister.
The next Afternoon came far too fast for Ty's liking, and stood back in the foyer once more with Kit, Jem and Magnus, he didn't really know how to feel. Everyone had said their goodbyes, apologising for leaving so soon but promising to be back hopefully within a few hours and but no later than a couple days.
'Ready?' Kit asked.
Ty nodded as another portal spiralled to life ahead of them. Kit suddenly reached out and grabbed his hand… was this their thing now? The place where their hands were clasped together burnt, and it travelled slightly up Ty's arm like electricity or tiny pinpricks of glass perhaps.
The other side of the portal opened up near London Bridge outside a dock with a sign that read "Downings Road Moorings". The stench of the Thames was especially assaulting tonight it seemed. Ty didn't remember it being quite so bad last time, not that he really remembered his last trip to London at all with much fondness.
Thankfully, the walk to the London Shadow Market wasn't too bad and they had a pretty clear path since they were all glamoured and mundanes felt naturally drawn to moving out of their way without even realising. The entrance was unguarded and they were able to jump into the peacock coloured foray with little to no resistance from the local patronage. Ty had, of course, immediately pulled up his headphones deciding to not even try and deal with the noises… not right now. Written on the sky echoed slightly tinnily through his headphones giving him the energy he needed to go through with what they were about to do.
'So what exactly do we need here?' Jem asked,
Jem, who they had told absolutely nothing, yet was still willing to help. Ty had of course been-and still was- devastated that Kit had left for Devon but was also so very glad that he had found a father as amazing as James Carstairs seemed to be.
'Incense from the heart of a volcano, chalk powdered from the bones of a murder victim and Myrrh grown by faeries, harvested at midnight with a silver sickle' Kit said listing off each of the things they were pretty sure they could get here.
An odd look of something that Ty thought might have been recognition passed over Jem's face. 'What are you boys up to? This doesn't sound like a normal scrying spell.'
Of course Jem would notice, he had been a Silent Brother some time and both he and Kit had seemed to forget that that would have come with a lot of occult spell knowledge.
'Dad, I promise it's a good spell, a spell to help fix and heal something' Kit stepped in thankfully.
Jem nodded only once 'Okay Kit, I believe you' he then threw his head to the sky 'Why is it always your descendants Will?! Is this because I always beat you at cards or because of the whole suit, duck and red wine thing?'
Kit couldn't help but laugh 'Okay I need to hear that story immediately'
The laughter caught on and soon all three were stood giggling into the open and sweet air of the market.
'I'll tell you when we're back home, but for now let's go and find these ingredients' Ty was sure he heard Jem add 'before they find me' under his breath whatever that meant.
Thank you so much for reading and surprise extra chapter time. It was only meant to be a little bonus chapter because i was feeling inspired after getting the new laptop but here we are 4000 ish words later with one of my longest chapters. I do hope you all enjoyed it and please feel free to leave kudos or a lovely comment they always make me smile to know youre enjoying my works.
Dictionary of terms-
The mandarin is my best attempt at the language and I tried to use a real native speaker's example since we all know how bad translate is but if you speak mandarin please correct me. It means you're (really beautiful)
The song Ty mentions the lyrics in regard to is called 'feel' by Robbie Williams and that line has stuck with me for a long time.
The classical song I found for the Shadow Market is a classical modern one by Luke Faulkner and I just find it pretty is all.