Chapter 12

Johanna Pov

I barge my way into his room, I really don't want to be here asking for his help with this but Im out of options. Finnick would be the person I would normally go to with this sort of thing, not that this has ever happened before, but he would be the one under different circumstances. But it would be a bit weird now he's married if I show up at his door with his new wife there and ask him for help to shower. I can't go any longer without one either, two days training plus all the withdrawal sweats from the night before and I'm positively gross.

"I need help" I say for the first time in my life. I can't even look at him so I'm staring at the floor waiting for some joking comment back, but it doesn't come.

"What can I do?" he asks genuinely, instead. I look up at him now, he looks worried but his eyes are gentle.

"I really need to shower but I can't….I can't do water now, I managed barely before with the help of Morphling…but that gone and I need some distraction or something…I think…" Im rambling but I don't even know what I need or if he can even help me. He doesn't wait for me to finish, he just takes me hand and leads me into his bathroom.

He leans in and turns the shower on and the noise of the water is enough to send cold chills down my back, he takes me into his arms and kisses the top of my head. When he lets me go he starts to undress me, I'm holding back a full blown panic attack just at the thought of it and I can feel me breath come fast and shallow. He strips his own clothes off and steps into the shower, he holds out his hand for me and just waits, it takes only a few minutes before i step in with him, trying to distract my thoughts with watching the droplets of water as they run down his chest and down his toned stomach. It works because before i know it, I'm under the stream of water held tight to him, it's not so bad, it feels safe…HE feels safe. I start to relax a little, I let him wash me with gentle hands and intermittent kisses on my skin. When I'm completely clean I turn to face him, "Thank you" I whisper, looking up into his beautiful eyes.

"You're welcome" he replies and kisses me softly on my lips.

The kiss become deeper as our bodies respond and before I know it I'm against the wall, one leg wrapped round his waist with him pressed against me. When I come undone around him, I dig my nails hard enough into his back to draw blood.

When i wake the next morning back in my room, I feel like I've hardly slept but I can barely keep the smile off my face as I remember the night before and it keeps my thoughts occupied for the rest of that day.

I throw myself into trying 100% the rest of the week, I don't see Gale except for the glimpse of him here and there, when our classes pass each other during training. Its fine, Im on a mission, I don't have time for him right now anyway, I miss him a little though, I miss his body and lips against mine.

I manage to shower myself, as long as the water is hot and I'm only in there for a minute or so just to wash the sweat from the days training away. I leave the unimportant things like my hair and fingernails the majority of the time and I'm okay, and when I'm not I close my eyes and pretend he's right there and it works. It gets easier each time and I need less and less of a pep talks to myself.

I'm already feeling pretty good about myself when our trainer tells us she's pleased with us, and that just tops it. I'm now feeling really confident that we will be going to the Capitol. Watch out Snow! I'm coming for you.

We walk into the Dining Hall and see Gale waiting to eat with us. We sit down at a table where Finn is, with a tray full of something that actually resembles real food for once. Finnick beams at me as I sit, I'm in such a good mood I don't even have the heart to make fun of him today. We are all in good spirits as we eat and share stories of our life in our districts, reminiscing in happy memories. The conversation suddenly stops and I turn to see what everyone is looking at. It's Peeta. I turn to look at Katniss and see her turn pale and nearly choke on her bread. I almost start to laugh before I remember that I don't actually hate her anymore. She's still annoying as all hell but we are Victors and we look out for each other. She looks like she's lost any ability to talk so I decide to try and ease the awkwardness for once instead of perpetuating it. I let him sit beside me.

"Peeta and I had adjoining cells in the Capitol, we are very familiar with each other screams" I tell everyone. Yeah, so my helpfulness lasted all of five seconds. So what? It's more fun watching people feel uncomfortable. I'm an asshole, what do they expect?! Finnick and Annie leave and the blonde girl is telling Peeta off, its just funny.

"So, are you two officially a couple now or are they still dragging out the whole star-crossed lover thing?" he asks Katniss and Gale. Well, I did want awkwardness…be careful what you wish for Johanna. Oh, if Katniss only knew what Gales been doing, or who he's being doing recently.

"Still dragging" I say and sneak a glance up at him. He's sitting directly opposite me looking extremely uncomfortable and I can't help myself…I run my foot up the inside of his leg and he stiffens but doesn't look at me. I'm cruel, I know, but he's too easy to mess with. I join in their conversation, still inching my foot higher up his leg. He downs the last of his milk and practically jumps out of his seat, shooting me a sharp look before he walks to drop off his tray. I'm smiling to myself now and Delly is yelling at Peeta in a high-pitch voice practically crying he's so angry at him. Peeta freaks out and is escorted away by the guards so I grab his dinner and eat it, full out laughing to myself. What a bunch of nutcases we all are.

When I'm finished I head back to my compartment, when I turn the corner I see Gale leaning against the wall, waiting. He looks mad. Ruh-Roh, looks like I'm in trouble. I just grin at him and walk straight towards him. He pushes off from the wall and stands with his arms crossed.

"You really are a Bitch sometimes, you know that?" he says flatly.

"I do" I say back in a sing-song voice, still smiling. I go to barge past him but he grabs me round the waist and pushes me against the wall.

"You will pay for that" he grins down at me, eyes dark and full of lust.

"Oh really?" I say sarcastically, "And what exactly are you going to do about it?" I mock, smiling back up at him wickedly.

He bends down and captures my lips in his own as he pushes his whole body against mine. When he starts to run his hand up inside my shirt it sends shivers where he touches my skin, his other hand traces up the inside of my thigh and when his tongue darts across my bottom lip, my knees almost give way. He takes my bottom lip between his teeth and pauses, staring into my eyes. When he steps away from me I'm confused and suddenly cold in the absence of his body heat against me. "Night, Johanna" is all he says and he's gone, and I'm staring after him as he walks down the corridor.

"Where are you going?!" I demand, but he just turns his head and smiles clearly pleased with himself about something, he gives me a wink and turns the corner and he's gone.

It takes a second and then it dawns on me…oh well played boy! Yeah, I pretty much deserved that. Im grinning and shaking my head to myself as I open the door to my compartment.

The next few weeks pass in a blur of training, training and more training but we get moved to a more advanced class so its all worth it. I even manage a few stolen moments with Gale during times that Katniss goes to spend time with her family. One evening we are laying on his bed and I'm absent-mindedly tracing patterns across his stomach with my finger when he whispers "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure" I shrug.

He's silent for a minute before he says "Were you and Finnick ever… you know…more than friends?" I take a deep breath in and hold to for a second before letting it out in a long sigh. I debate for a second telling him to mind his own fucking business but decide to just be honest.

"Yes" I tell him, "But probably not in the way you think" I continue.

"Okay…that doesn't clear anything up for me, what do you mean?" he sounds disappointed and I feel bad so I start to explain as I sit up, clutching a blanket to my bare chest because suddenly I feel vulnerable but I'm pretty sure its nothing to do with the nakedness of my body.

"Okay, first you need to understand. When you win the games it's not winning at all, that's just the start, what happens after is so much worse. Being a Victor is actually a fate worse than dying in the Arena, but of course, it's too late by then. There is no winner except the Capitol, winning is a punishment that comes soon after." He doesn't say anything so I take a deep breath and continue. "Victors are bought and sold like playthings to these people. It's like your life becomes one big game, only you are just a pawn and if you refuse to play then people you love pay the price. It really says something about the monsters in the Capitol don't you think? The more vicious a killer you are, the more they want to have you!" I laugh, but it's cold and hard. I glance at him for just a second and he's trying to keep his face neutral but his eyes are too wide to be convincing.

"What happened to them?" he asks softly.

"My family?" I look at him again and he nods. "Well, I refused at first, of course, probably like many. I was warned by others but i was young and cocky and didn't believe them, or maybe i just didn't want to believe them. I wish I had listened now. Snow had my father killed first, he made it look like an accident but I knew it was him, he confirmed my suspicion by sending his condolences along with a red rose and an invitation to the Capitol. I tried, i really did! But those people are animals and my temper got the best of me, after I put the first guy in the hospital my little brother suddenly died of an apparent heart condition that he never had. Thats when Finnick came to me, he tried to help me, to show me ways to block it all out so i wouldn't lose my shit again. It worked for a while, I was able to pretend to be the obedient Victor that Snow wanted. Finnick and I were popular there so we spent a lot of time in the Capitol together, we grew close and soon sought comfort in each other arms, and beds. When my mother died, probably of a broken heart, I finally thought I would be free. There was nobody left to use against me now, or so I thought, but nothings ever secret in the Capitol and Snow knew he could use Finnick to keep me in line. He couldn't kill him, of course, but there are worse things than death when it comes to those people. When we joined the Rebellion and were heading to the Arena we fully expected to die in there, we had vowed to do everything we could to get the Mockingjay and the boy she loved out safely. Imagine my surprise when I ended up in a cell at the Capitol… really should have been more careful about shooting my mouth off in the Arena, but at least Finnick was safe and they couldn't use him against me anymore." I'm fighting to hold back the tears because i really don't want to lose it, it's a million times harder to put yourself back together when you do.

"I think you are the bravest person I know" He says quietly. I shrug, not looking at him "I was gonna die anyway, I was too much of a problem to keep around much longer."

He reaches out for my chin and turns my head to face him gently but his eyes are fierce as he looks into him. "Don't do that! Don't make out that's it's some small thing you did. You are brave and strong and beautiful!" He kisses me then holds me to him. "I will enjoy watching him die" he says angrily, still holding me tightly. I push back from him.

"You will have to get in line" I look up and him and smile. I actually feel a weight lifted from me now he knows this all. I never could have believed talking about it would help, i wanted to bury it so deep and never even think of it all again. "I need to get back" I say.

"Okay" he says and he gets up and we start to dress, he walks to the door and opens it for me. "Good luck tomorrow" and he kisses me one last time before I walk out the door.