Those characters still don't belong to me, and it's sad.
English is still not my first language x)

There will be one more chapter in that story, because Alex promised a cake, and Alex always keeps her promises.

Enjoy :)

When Amanda woke up the second time, she felt strangely refreshed... Probably thanks to all the water and ibuprofen Alex and Liv insisted on feeding her last night to avoid a... Shit. Liv. Alex.

She groaned, hiding under the blanket, but she threw it back away almost immediately. Obviously, she couldn't hide there until the end of times, though the idea became nearly irresistible, the more she remembered about the previous night. Really, she had fuckin' outdone herself this time. A fleeting image of herself lecturing Benson and Cabot about the use of "further" and "farther" appeared in her brain, and she hid under the blanket again.

"Fuckin' fuck…"

Where could she even go from here?

How could she come back from here and pretend nothing happened?

With another groan, she angrily threw the cover away one last time, got up and readied herself. For what precisely, she couldn't tell. Probably running away as fast as she could, grabbing Frannie on her way out, and never looking back until…

Wait. Where was Frannie? Probably cuddling with Noah somewhere, that little traitor…

Her eyes were burning, but she refused to let the tears out. She had now enough embarrassment to sustain all her future lives. And then some.

The apartment was eerily silent, despite housing a child and a dog. Lost in thoughts, she crept silently down the corridor. Maybe it was her chance. Maybe she could sneak out. Once outside, she could text Benson to meet somewhere in a public place and get Frannie back, right? In a public place, you can't really talk about deep shit, right? And then she could just disappear to the other side of the world and pretend nothing ever happened.

Ah! The front door was in sight. Just a few more steps and she would be out of this nightmare. One more step and...

"Going somewhere, Rollins?"

Amanda froze, before turning around to face Liv and her raised eyebrow. The raised eyebrow of skepticism and justice. Odds were not in the southern detective's favor.

"Yeah. I... Yeah. I... where is Frannie? I need to go home."

"Frannie is out for a walk with Alex and Noah."

At least that explained why the penthouse was so quiet, but it also meant she was trapped here, waiting for her dog to be back, and she really didn't want to be alone with Olivia fuckin' Benson right now.

"They shouldn't be long, so why don't you have some breakfast, and then we'll talk."

No. No, Liv, there will definitely be no talk, ever.

"I... Listen Liv... I was tired and drunk and just... Can we pretend last night never happened? Please? And then when Alex is back, I'll just take Frannie and leave you alone. I'm sorry for last night ok? Can we? Liv, please? I... just… I just want to go home."

Liv took a good look at the young blonde before answering. She seemed ready to bolt or to burst into tears. Or maybe both. The more she tried not to look vulnerable, the least successful she was, and all the stammering didn't help in the slightest. Benson groaned inwardly at the situation. The woman in front of her had pretending nothing never happened ever down to an art, and enough was enough. She couldn't go on that way.

"No. No we can't, and we won't, Amanda. We won't pretend nothing happened."

Liv could see her friend was starting to panic. Of course she was. Someone was threatening her. With talk. Benson took a step forward before going on.

"You've actually shared some interesting thoughts and feelings last night..."

Olivia's emphasis on "feelings" made Amanda burn with shame.

"... and you need to understand that Alex and I... We're not your parents…"

"Oh, really? Thanks for stating the obvious, Liv", Amanda spat, her tone dripping with sarcasm, "I feel better already!"

Liv let out a sigh. She needed to trade carefully, and she was on strike one already.

"No, I... That's not how I meant it. We're not you parents, as in, we're not going to leave you, belittle you or ignore you. Even if you make a mistake. Even if you show emotions that are not...anger or being annoyed. And if you need us, we're here."

The older woman was watching Amanda while closing the distance between the two of them. The young detective was clearly growing distressed by the second. She had inched towards the door during Liv's little speech and was now... most probably trying to pass through it, given the way she was shrinking against the wood.

Praying whoever might listen for Alex and Noah not to come back in the next fifteen minutes, lest Amanda would disappear forever, Olivia thoughtfully chose her next words.

"I actually have an idea of how you might feel right now…"

Really? That's what Liv chose to go with? The "I know what you feel" bullshit? Amanda refrained from lashing out, but she glared at Liv, still pressing herself against the door.

"... because I once felt the same. Before Alex. Before SVU. When all I wanted was for my mother to really acknowledge my existence. When I felt so empty every time I would think about my childhood. About what could have been. It used to eat me alive, gnawing at me every chance it got."

The last words were barely choked out, and Liv had to stop. Take a breath, Benson. You're fine. You can do this. She felt overwhelmed, like the night before, but this time it lasted only a second. She was prepared. She focused back on Amanda, who seemed ready to pass out, now half melted with the door.

She inhaled deeply and went on.

"And right now, you're probably stuck, right? On one hand, this dream you had, and last night, gave you so much comfort, you want more. Now that you've tasted it... Closing that door again would be… It would be so, so hard."

No. No, it wouldn't. It shouldn't. Fuck you, Benson. Doors are meant to be opened and closed as we see fit. Doors are not the bosses of us. We are their masters, right?

Ironically, while her thoughts were latching incoherently at doors, Rollins was acutely aware of her sweaty palms, stuck on that fuckin' front DOOR she couldn't open a few moments ago.

She let out a chuckle, that died almost immediately. Her throat was too dry.

"Liv, please…", she whispered in a quiver. She could feel her chest tightening and her eyes burning. She wouldn't last very long at that game. It needed to stop. Everything needed to stop. Even for just a minute.

But Benson had other plans.

She wouldn't stop now, now that she was so close. She cleared her throat.

"On the other hand, you're terrified to go for it, because you think you shouldn't need it. Or because it's weak and ridiculous. Or because you're afraid it will go away the moment you reach for it. And you're not sure you could take it."

Liv could see Amanda's face falling along her words, her whole body tensing up to the point of breaking. She was shaking, on her way to collapse, like her walls. Olivia could feel it in the red and darting eyes, in the way the young detective was chewing the inside of her cheeks. One cheek, then the other, then the lower lip, and back to the cheek again. In the way she stopped trying to push through the door but was now leaning against it, defeated.

"But I'm not going anywhere, Amanda. Alex either. I promise you... And you'll have to trust me."

For the first time since her failed escape attempt, Amanda chanced a glance at Olivia. She was right, of course. Olivia fuckin' Benson was (nearly) always right. But now, now she was frozen, her entire being focused on not letting go, grasping at the last remnants of her control. Diverting even the tiniest bit of energy to move or to speak would be her downfall. And she couldn't allow that. Not after last night.

"Amanda, please."

The younger woman shook her head, still trying to regain some form of composure. She was too far gone, overwhelmed by her whole existence, crushed under the weight of her own stubbornness, still trying to will a way through.

"Come on..."

Liv, at last, closed the distance between the two of them, and she reached for the shaking woman. The moment hand and shoulder met, a sob broke free, followed by others. Everything was exploding inside of her, everything wanted to get out, and there was nothing Amanda could do to stop it.

Olivia sighed and squeezed the shoulder, and then cupped Amanda's nape before giving the slightest of tug. The blonde had nothing left to give, just tears and pain, and she let herself fall against Liv's chest. The older woman immediately cradled her tight against her own body, trying to comfort her young friend, who was now barely breathing, shrinking against her the way she had tried to disappear against the door just moments before.

"Shh. It's ok. I promise. I've got you, kiddo, for as long as you need. I promise. Breathe."

As Liv was shushing her and rocking her gently, desperately trying to calm her, Amanda remembered her dream. She was suddenly terrified of being pulled away again, and thrown all alone in the dark, where her demons would be waiting to devour her. Completely consumed by her panic and her sobs, she reached for Olivia's shoulders and hung on with all her remaining strength.

"Hey, hey… I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, I promised Amanda. Shh."

Liv was surprised by the panic she could feel coming from the blonde ; she knew her friend had some serious build-up of emotions to let go of, and after last night, she knew something would come out, but this? Amanda Rollins sobbing and clutching at her like her life depended on it? This, this she wasn't prepared for.

Still rocking her friend and tightening her hug, desperately trying to infuse some kind of comfort, any kind of comfort, the older woman realized she should have seen it coming. The last few months had just been a gigantic straw on the proverbial back of an already exhausted camel. It suddenly struck Liv that Amanda was falling apart in her arms because it was the only way she could actually express anything: she was just working under the none or all principle, and after years of "none", well… The "all" time was coming.

Benson sighed.

"You're okay. I'm right here, and I won't leave. You can let go."

There was nothing more she could do for now but wait it out, so after kissing a temple and laying her chin on a blonde head, that's what she did. She waited, pulling Amanda closer, another attempt at providing comfort and closeness. At showing her friend that she wasn't alone.

When she felt that kiss, Amanda cuddled closer against Liv's chest, and through her panic and hangover induced brain fog, she realized two things in that moment: she was sobbing like a child in the arms of the person she admired most and yet… The world was still spinning. And perhaps more importantly, that person was still there, holding her. No portal to Hell opened. No one was mocking her. So in that moment of realization, she made a rash decision. Or maybe it was a bold one: she decided to take what was offered. She decided to trust her friend. She decided to soak in all the warmth and comfort she could, even for only a moment.

Feeling another body hugging hers felt so good. So warm. So safe. It was overwhelming, in the best way possible. She had her fair share of "embraces" since she came to New-York, but they were all sexual in nature. She shared some good evenings, some good orgasms, some good laughs, but it could never provide… This. Whatever Liv was giving her right now, she's been craving for her whole life, and she wasn't going to let it escape this time.