A/N: So I never expected to add more to this story, but lo and behold, here I am with another chapter. This will, however, almost certainly be the last in this story as I feel it wraps it up nicely. As always, huge thanks to u/Aether_nb on reddit for beta-ing this for me.
The steps up to the second landing were not long by any real measure, but today they felt particularly arduous. Though in my defense, I had rushed the last bit of my walk to get back before the dark clouds released the rain they were threatening. But even taking that into account the climb up really put into perspective how out of shape I was. But I don't even smoke anymore, I definitely shouldn't be this out of breath! Heck, if I feel this out of breath without cigarettes it can't be that much worse with them.
The thought was very appealing, but as soon as it cropped up I tried to push it down. I was committed to Elsa's desire for me to quit—though it did not help that I could smell the sharp, inviting scent of a lit cigarette from the second-floor landing.
I will not ask for one, I will not ask for one. I'm gonna just walk past and go inside. I will not—"Elsa?"
To my complete surprise, as I reached the top of the stairs, my eyes fell on Elsa, leaning against the railing outside our apartment door, with a lit cigarette in hand. Upon hearing my voice she jumped a little and quickly glanced over, before ducking her head a little. Some of her hair fell forward hiding a portion of her face from me—which I couldn't imagine had been an accident.
Okay... oh boy, what the fuck? Elsa is smoking a cigarette… Jesus, this can't be good—unless maybe she just started liking them. While it wasn't impossible, I quickly dismissed this possibility; Elsa had never liked cigarettes, and even if she started liking them she wouldn't start smoking while I was trying to quit. Sharp apprehension started to build in my stomach as I walked over to her and leaned against the railing to her left.
Without a word she offered up the pack of cigarettes that was clutched in her hand. Hesitantly I took the offered pack, still not sure what to make of this situation. There were only two cigarettes missing when I opened it, which for some reason brought a wave of relief over the knot my stomach was twisting into. Shit. What do I say? Should I say anything?
Choosing to not break the silence for the moment, I reach into my pocket, expecting to find a lighter before remembering that I didn't carry one anymore. I looked over at Elsa, about to ask for one, before seeing the matches she was already holding out for me. After a couple unsuccessful attempts, I was finally able to ignite the end, taking a deep inhale to make sure it stayed lit. As soon as I exhaled my face twisted into a grimace; glancing down at the pack I frowned and looked over at Elsa.
"Menthol?"
A mild blush crept into her cheeks at the question, which she seemed determined to ignore, but she glanced over and gave me a shy nod. "They don't taste as bad that way."
A soft chuckle escaped my throat as I shook my head and took another drag. While I would never get menthol for myself, I wasn't so against them that I would turn one down. Especially not right now, as I felt the ball of anxiety in my stomach continue to push.
Despite my desire to ask questions, we stood there in silence for a while, slowly working on our cigarettes. I tried to focus on the act of smoking and not let my mind wander, but it proved near impossible under the current circumstances.
I was almost finished with my cigarette, and Elsa had just tossed hers over the edge when I spoke. "Hey Els, I… what's up—or just, are you okay?"
I felt her stiffen at the question, and out of the corner of my eye I saw her glance over at me a couple times. Taking one more drag I tossed my cigarette into the parking lot, and turned to face Elsa, waiting for her to speak.
It felt like forever—though in reality it was probably less than a minute—before she turned to face me fully. She was wringing her hands in front of her stomach and her head was tilted down, avoiding eye contact. Slowly, I reached out a hand and laid it softly on her arm, applying a little bit of pressure. Shit, what the hell is this about.
She let out an audible sigh before looking up at me hesitantly. Her eyes shone with emotions too numerous to decipher, which brought a sudden desire to hold her and make her feel better. No, not right now Anna.
"C-can we go inside… please?"
The timidity in her voice combined with the stress of the unknown made me feel like crying, but I reined in that emotion quickly. With a deep breath I gave Elsa a smile and a nod, before opening the door and holding it for her.
She didn't say anything at first; she stood in between the kitchen and the living room with her back to me. The building anxiety demanded I say something to her, but I knew better than to push. So I stood by the door, watching and waiting.
"Anna, I-I don't…" She turned as she spoke, but the words seemed to die in her mouth as her eyes met mine.
Fuck me this can't be good. Please don't be breaking up with me, please don't be breaking up with me!
"It's okay Els, whatever you need to say you can just—"
"Did you sleep with her again?"
"Wait what?" My ears heard the question, but it took what felt like an eternity for my brain to process it. Why the fuck would she be asking me that? Did I do something that would make her think that? Shit I hope not, that would be bad—my brain went into damage control mode for a minute before I processed that I hadn't actually slept with anyone else.
"What? Of course not! Why-what-how—" I cut myself off there to take a steadying breath. My heart and mind were racing from both the tension before and the question itself.
"Elsa, why would you ask me this? Of course I didn't sleep with Ale—her again!" The strength of my words seemed to ease the tempest in her eyes, but I could see she was not fully convinced.
"I… I want to believe that Anna—God knows I do—but I just…" she trailed off before gesturing timidly towards the living room table.
I followed her motion and saw my laptop sitting there, among some books and dirty dishes. I looked back at Elsa for an explanation; one it was clear she did not want to give.
I saw her accept that she would have to explain; something in between fear and pain swept across her face as she took a deep breath.
"I… she messaged you Anna. She-she asked if y-y-you would—if you wanted to… you know?" Elsa's voice was strained and full of emotion that was barely being suppressed; tears gathered in her eyes as she spoke, but they did not fall.
It took me a while to process what she had said. I knew what she was talking about; Aleina, the girl I'd made that stupid mistake with all that time ago, had asked to "hang out", the implications being very clear. I hadn't known what to say—I mean, obviously no—but she didn't even know I had been in a relationship at the time. How could she. So, I had said nothing, leaving her on read. She looked at my messages; she was looking through my computer.
"You looked at my messages?" The question slipped out quietly and fell heavy in the air. I saw Elsa stiffen at my tone, and that almost scared me more than everything else that had happened.
"Y-yes, I—" she cut herself off, seemingly unsure of what to say.
I couldn't blame her, I didn't know what to say either. Feelings of anger, grief, and betrayal were all bubbling inside me, clamoring to be let out, but every time I opened my mouth to say something the words stuck in my throat.
"I… I'm sorry Anna," Elsa's words were quiet, and I could hear remorse in them, but it didn't feel like enough.
"I—thanks Els, but I'm not—we're not, I don't know... you snooped through my stuff, and I don't know exactly how I feel about that yet, but I know I don't feel great about it."
Tears slipped silently from Elsa's eyes as I spoke, and I felt the wall that held back my own thin.
"I understand, I… I'm sorry that I broke your trust like that."
That was all it took for my tears to start falling, running down my cheeks and onto my chin as I looked at her. Unable to find the right words I simply nodded to acknowledge her.
I wanted to hug her, but I also didn't, which came as a bit of a surprise. I felt justified in my… dislike of her actions, but I almost always wanted to hug Elsa, even when she had made mistakes. God, why would she do that to me.
"A-Anna, I… I know I fucked up, and I'm very sorry for that, but would it be alright if I asked some questions?"
I don't know why I agreed, I didn't feel up for questions around this topic right now, but before I could think I had agreed to her request.
"I… what happened with Aleina and that question? I don't know, like did you guys talk on the phone about it?" Despite her attempts to phrase it differently, the implications of her question were still quite clear to me.
"Nothing! Nothing happened Elsa; I swear to you. I didn't answer her because I felt like if I said no she'd ask why… which, as I'm saying this I can see how that might not make a bunch of sense. But she never knew about you, or us; she wouldn't know why I couldn't—I didn't want to have difficult questions to answer." I was a lot more deflated by the end, my rational mind wincing at my past self. But I didn't do anything wrong this time, gotta focus on that.
It was clear Elsa believed a good bit of what I was saying, but I could see that some parts of her were still gripped by that fear. I wanted to ease her pain, make her feel better, yet at the same time I felt anger—real anger—bubbling up inside me.
"Elsa… I, I'm still processing this, but I need to know, how much of my stuff did you look through?"
I saw the fear that flared in Elsa's eyes at the question, but in spite of that she answered after taking a deep breath.
"I… just your messages. I was just—I wanted—needed to know if there was.. if there were other people." The shame in her voice was heavy, but I found myself not much caring at that moment as I processed her words.
"You thought there might be other people?" I couldn't keep the hurt out of my voice. "What, that I was intentionally cheating on you?"
"No I, I didn't think there were, I was just… I was worried—paranoid—that maybe, I don't know, that, that…" she trailed off looking at me with tears sliding down her cheeks.
"So you did then?" I didn't like the way my voice sounded, it was harsher than I intended, but I wasn't about to stop and correct it right then.
"No! I just—I was afraid Anna, I didn't think you had—I mean, I worry sometimes—b-but then I saw the message from Aleina and I just… I had to know—had to be certain."
Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm myself before answering; while I felt justified in my emotions, I did not want to let them overpower me.
"That message from Al—with her was from over a month ago Elsa. You didn't just stumble on that, you had to have been looking."
She offered no words, but gave me a nod of acknowledgement as she began crying freely.
"Why? I mean, you said you were afraid, and okay I understand that, but why now? Did I do something to make you not trust me?"
I immediately saw the response she wanted to give; I had cheated on her so of course I had, but she held that back, for which I was grateful.
"I… no Anna, you didn't do anything. I just, I was thinking about it too much, I got stuck in my head and I couldn't shake the fear that I wouldn't—couldn't—know if you had. I-I… I let my fear get out of control, and I'm sorry."
"Elsa… I, I told you immediately after it happened. I couldn't keep something like that from you. I don't-I don't understand how you could think I am capable of that."
"You're right, you did. And I should have believed you would i-if you had—not that I'm saying you did—just if. I… I should have trusted you more."
The words pierced through my anger as I remembered the trust I had broken and the pain I had caused. Should have trusted me? I did this to myself. She wouldn't have felt a need to pry if I hadn't fucked up so royally.
"Wait no, I didn't mean anything like that!" She must have seen the guilt spread on my face. "You—I'm not blaming you for this, or trying to make you feel bad."
Looking at her I could see her sincerity, yet the guilt had begun to work its way inside.
"No, Elsa I-I know you didn't mean anything like that. But I did fuck up, I hurt you, and I broke your trust. I… I don't like what you did, but I understand how my actions led to this."
"Anna, you-I-I… Thank you. I appreciate that, but I don't think that that makes my actions okay." She held up her hand as I opened my mouth to interrupt her. "You did break my trust, but that doesn't mean I get a free pass for breaking yours. Was my fear understandable? Yes, but I should have just asked you."
Not knowing what to say, I just nodded; I felt overwhelmed at the rapid shifts in emotions. Some of my anger was still there, but it was now mixed in with guilt, shame, and sadness.
Elsa seemed to understand the state I was in—it's probably all over my face—and gestured me over to the couch.
"I'm sorry Anna, please come sit. I'll get you some chocolate."
I acquiesced and went over to the couch while Elsa rummaged in our fridge for some chocolate. Upon finding it, she came and sat next to me on the couch, offering it out.
"Thanks," I mumbled before eating some. Having something tangible to focus on was immediately helpful. The texture and taste of the chocolate brought my focus away from the guilt I was stuck on as I enjoyed a couple pieces.
"Hey, you okay? I know there are a lot of emotions going on right now, so I just want to make sure you're not, well, not okay." The concern in my sister's voice warmed my heart.
"I will be," I said with a smile. "I'm sorry, I just got stuck on-on-on what I did."
"I understand, I'm sorry that it came up. I wasn't trying to make you think about that."
"I know, I don't blame you. I… I just wish I had never done that to you."
I saw pain in Elsa's eyes, but it was overshadowed with love as she looked at me with a small smile. "Me neither, but you know what Anna? I forgive you."
Forgive me? I couldn't help the sob that broke out at the words. How could she forgive me for something so awful? I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you.
"Y-you do?" I managed through the tears.
"Yes. I… it still hurts, of course it does, but I don't hold it against you Anna. I forgive you, and I love you." She accompanied the words with a gentle kiss to my forehead.
I couldn't help but weep at the grace she was showing me. Unable to come up with any words that felt right, I threw myself into her arms, holding her tightly as I let the tears fall.
Elsa wrapped her arms around me and stroked the back of my head, comforting me as I let my emotions run their course.
"I love you," I murmured once the tears had subsided enough. So fucking much.
"I love you." The affection captured in her voice made me want to cry all over again.
"I'm still pretty sure I don't deserve it, but thank you for everything Elsa. I… just thank you."
"Don't be silly! Of course you deserve it—and you don't need to thank me, love," Elsa affirmed with a nuzzle into my hair.
I took a deep breath and let my body relax a little, pulling away from Elsa. I felt great relief at her words despite the conversation and events that had led to it. Maybe we should talk about that some more, yikes, not sure if I want that.
"Is it alright if we talk a little bit more?" Elsa asked, seemingly reading my mind.
I gave a small nod, now nervous about what she wanted to bring up.
"I… I'm really sorry I snooped through your messages, Anna. I know it might not mean much after everything, but I promise I won't do it again."
Surprise washed over me, this was not the direction I had expected the conversation to go, though it wasn't unpleasant. If she can forgive me after how badly I fucked up, then I can let this go.
Looking over into her icy eyes I gave her a soft smile. "Thank you Els; I believe you."
Elsa gazed back into my eyes and chuckled softly in relief before giving my hand a gentle squeeze.
I still felt a little annoyed at her actions; how could I not, with it being so recent? But I knew it would pass, and I knew her contrition was real. God, if she can bring that up I should probably bring up Aleina. Oof, boy do I not want to talk about her again. Here goes.
"Um… yeah so sorry to bring the conversation back to this, but I did just want to say that I'm sorry for not telling you s-she had messaged me. I know it wasn't anything big, but I know I could stand to be more transparent; I think that will help us keep the trust we're building."
Elsa initially seemed surprised at my words, but she responded after a moment of thought. "You didn't do anything wrong Anna, but thank you. I appreciate that, and I think it will help too."
We sat on the couch for a while, enjoying the peacefulness. I split the rest of the chocolate with her, and we ate in silence, leaning against each other.
"So, cigarettes?" I said slyly, breaking the quiet that had settled over us.
Elsa immediately blushed and hid her face in her hands. "God, I know. I'm sorry—I just, I needed to relax, and it was too early to drink, and I didn't want to be tipsy or anything—and I knew you would probably want one so I uh… yeah."
I chuckled richly at her reaction and she soon joined in. "It's okay that you did, you know," I said once I had laughed my fill. "I was just so surprised to see you smoking when I got back."
"I saw your reaction," Elsa said with another chuckle, "much funnier in retrospect."
"Want another one?" I asked, waggling my eyebrows at her.
Elsa giggled and shrugged, which I took for a yes.
Despite the earlier occurrence, I was still shocked to end up smoking a cigarette with Elsa of all people. Outside in the brisk fall air we leaned against the railing of the walkway, me enjoying the cigarette as much as one can enjoy a menthol, and Elsa grimacing occasionally as she puffed away.
"You know, I still don't get how you enjoy these things so much," Elsa said with a frown.
I laughed and gave her a cheeky shrug in response.
Tossing her butt over the edge Elsa was suddenly overcome by a small fit of giggles. Looking over at her I saw she was smirking at me.
"Now you'll finally know what it's like to kiss someone who just smoked a cigarette," she taunted.
I couldn't help but chuckle too. "I'm sure it'll be worth it," I said teasingly.
"Well then, what are you waiting for?" she asked seductively and moved to open the apartment door.
In a sudden hurry, I took one last puff of the cigarette and tossed it, before following her inside and shutting the door quickly.
As soon as I turned around Elsa pushed me against the door and met my lips as I squeaked in surprise.
The shock wore off quickly; I wrapped my arms around her as she gripped me, and let our lips dance ardently. It wasn't long before we moved to our bed.
I love you more than anything, Elsa, and my god you are sexy.