The light blue dress was hugging her body perfectly and her flaming red curls where jumping on her shoulder as she was rummaging through her little bullpen office.
She was busy typing down some protocol from the latest client interview, not noticing that Harvey was watching her the entire time through the glass walls of his big corner office. There was soft smile on his face.
He was supposed to be working but couldn't manage to let his gaze off the red head in front of his office.
She looked entirely stunning, maybe even more stunning than usual.
He was doing this more often than he would admit.
Looking at her with such pride that she was his.
Not actually his but they were a part of something big.
One couldn't achieve greatness without the other.
When they first started working together and Harvey still had faith in them being more than friends, she once told him that if he was ever lucky enough to have her he wouldn't want to share.
Back then he just laughed it off but now he was certain that she was right. Today was one of the days where he was extra protective of her. Edward Darby's right hand also known as "the british Harvey" around the office had arrived, but truth be told, he had nothing on him. This Stephen Huntley came into the firm like he owned the place and moreover, Harvey had to witness this douche hitting on his secretary.
Not only is secretary but also his partner in crime.
To call her his everything might sound completely cheesy but it was true. He was entirely lost without her and he didn't want to share her. Like ever. Still, he had the awkward feeling that his british knockoff had a certain interest in Donna.
Harvey had no problem with giving Mike to Louis for a while but with Donna things were different.
Because she was different.
Rumors had it that they were more than best friends or colleagues or whatever the correct term was to describe their relationship but that was between them.
They just worked, in sync like no other duo at the firm.
Butch and Sundance couldn't even come close to them.
They were just… Donna and Harvey.
Nothing could ever compare.
"Don't you have work to do?", a familiar, slightly annoyed voice sounded through the intercom. She must have noticed, of course she noticed his starring. She was Donna.
"No, that's why I have you. You do the work for me", he gave back with a slight chuckle on his face. She didn't answer, just rolled her eyes and got back to work.
She liked this. Their little banters, their subconscious flirting.
When she had already gotten back to work, he pushed the button on the intercom again "…and Paulsen", there was a little pause in between what he was saying. He did this without thinking and she was already looking at him from a few feet away through the glass walls with her eyebrows raised in question.
"You're looking good today".
He quickly turned off the intercom and tried to focus his gaze on the documents in front of him when in reality he didn't even know what they were about. After a few seconds he found the courage to look up to her bullpen office again.
Her cheeks were a little blushed and she was just nonchalantly shaking her head and biting her lips. It gave him a little bit of reassurance to see that his comment affected her that much.
Usually Harvey wasn't one to compliment her looks at work but undeniably there were his glances at her when she was wearing her more tighter and more revealing dresses.
She shook her head and tried to bring her focus back to her task and she knew that he was doing this because of what had happened earlier.
When Stephen approached her this morning, she could sense his anger through the glass walls.
It was normal that clients talked to Donna first when they wanted to see Harvey but this was different. Like seeing Harvey was just an excuse for him to talk to Donna.
And Harvey heard everything. Through the intercom. He learned all of his best tricks from her.
Stephen walked right past her in the direction of Harvey's office which made her stop him because she knew that Harvey hated it when someone walked right in. Due to the merger with Darby he got even more annoyed and what added on top of that was seeing the british douchebag talking to Donna.
He leaned over the walls of her bullpen which was forbidden territory for most people. But this time Donna didn't care, she was even encouraging him by leaning forward to him. All of this didn't go unnoticed by Harvey.
Huntley smooth talked something about having already heard of her even from London which was probably bullshit but to Harveys surprise Donna didn't interfere.
It bothered him. Who did he think he was?
Then Donna introduced herself to him as "Donna, just Donna. It's a name and a title in one", which made Harvey chuckle a bit but he had to quickly force himself to be quiet because the intercom was still on. He thought it would be embarrassing for him if Donna found out he listened to her private conversations even though she did the same. Him doing it in the first place was probably more ridiculous than her finding out.
He knew that Donna had every right to have fun and to be in a relationship whatsoever he had a particularly bad feeling about Stephen because he suspected that she might break her rule for him. The rule that she technically didn't even break for Harvey. The flirty banter that Donna and Stephen shared didn't leave many questions out in the open.
He could sense that there was tension as much as he hated it.
All of this bothered him. It bothered him that she was ready to break her rule for someone that wasn't even worth it.
If he was honest with himself he would admit that it bothered him that he wasn't the one she was accepting to break her rule for. Harvey had respected her as much as the rules she set out for herself. Donna was one of the most intelligent women that he knew and it was clear to him that she did things for a reason, just as having this rule. Things get messy when you get involved with somebody from work. That's something that they were confronted with on a daily basis.
They saw what it did with the work environment when Mike and Rachel had their falling out and most personally what it did with him and Scottie.
But aren't some things worth fighting for even when things get messy? Aren't some things worth risking everything for although it shattered the entire world?
He knew for sure that Stephen wasn't the one worth breaking her rule but who was he to judge.
Most importantly, all selfish desires aside, he didn't want Donna to get hurt by that prick. And for a matter of fact, he sensed that something was off with him and in addition to that he just hated that he was supposed to work with him now, on a case that was his.
He really didn't like to share so he buried himself in work to make sure he's at least the number one on the case.
He didn't need another wannabe to bring this win home and it hurt his ego a bit to see that they didn't fully trust him alone with the Hessington Oil trial.
Donna knew that. She knew everything. Him having his ego scratched by Jessicas and Darbys decision and him being even more mad about Stephens sudden arrival was something she saw coming before he did and she was well aware that he didn't cope well with all of this change.
All the defeats he had to take in, losing Scottie and Zoe didn't take it easy on him but even in his weakest moments he wouldn't admit that but there was no need to.
Because they could communicate without any words.
They just knew, no matter what, she has always known.
But he suddenly had the fear of losing her.
His fear of being abandoned was something only really Donna knew about and he didn't want other people to find out the history connected to it because he was sure that it made him seem weak. "Caring makes you weak", a motto he took way too seriously was partly responsible for pushing the people he actually loved away from him.
Aside from Donna. It's not that he hasn't, maybe with her more than anybody else, tried to at least subconsciously push her away, but she just resisted and reassured him that she wouldn't leave him. Always be there for him and always be with him but he still felt like their bond could be threatened by other people.
More specifically by people like Stephen and Harvey was very fond of the fact that him thinking that wasn't fair to Donna but he couldn't simply ignore the not so foreign feeling that he had many times before.
She was special to him and he only wanted the best for her but for some reason he couldn't really define what the best for her was. Most importantly, it wasn't even his place to say what that was supposed to mean.
Whenever there was someone in Donna's life it felt off to him which wasn't fair to her or any of her significant others.
He always felt like she deserved better and it always made him insanely mad when one of them hurt her so he tried to tell himself that this was because they were so close and he cared so deeply for her on a platonic level. Which wasn't a lie.
He cared so much for her that it scared him.
Feelings like that scared him because they made him vulnerable and for gods sake. He was Harvey goddamn Specter. The best closer in New York City. He sure as hell didn't want to come off as weak.
It has gotten darker and he and Mike were buried in paper work due to the next deposition and there was something about the Hessington Oil case that didn't quite made sense to him.
He still wasn't able to focus on the case entirely.
More than he would admit, his thoughts drifted off to Donna… and the douchebag and even his glares outside of his office to reassure that she was right there with him couldn't calm his mind.
"Just ask her out", Mike interrupted his little daydreaming session which made him answer with an absent minded "What?!". He could sense where this conversation was about to go.
"You know. Just ask her out, like a normal person would do. You have been staring at her for the better part of the afternoon and the last two years that I've been here.
Do you really think that I haven't noticed you having the biggest crush on her since like forever… Maybe you think you're smart but not seeing that yourself makes you pretty stupid, because, come on, it's Donna and don't you dare forget that I am the genius here. And I notice these things", Mike stopped flicking through the pages and focused his gaze on the man sitting in front of him.
"I.. first of all, it is none of your business. I don't want to discuss my private life with you and second of all, what makes you think Donna and I are… could be… that to each other?", he gave up trying to hide anything and for a matter of fact there was nothing to hide. At least that's what he was trying to tell himself.
"Are you serious. You might be acting like a douche towards everybody and you like it that way but with her it is different because she's different… you are a more lovable douche with her", he gave back with a slight smile on his face.
Mike was right. She was differed to him. But that didn't mean anything. They couldn't be more than that. Everything behind their friendship and their flirty banter was unknown territory. They already broke the boundaries once.
The other time. And they both had a hard time to adjust afterwards. He nearly lost her and he couldn't risk that again. Because she was everything to him.
"Mike, our relationship is far more difficult than you think and I don't want to discuss it with you. It's… you can never go back", Harvey said with a thoughtful look on his face.
"I will stop… but Harvey… don't take too much time", that's all he said before he packed up his stuff and left the office.
Harvey was deep in his thoughts when Donna entered the office. She was leaning next to the glass door and just watched him. sitting on his chair, looking to good in his three piece on a lonely Thursday night at the office.
His gaze went up and he saw the redhead right on the entrance.
"You should call it a night. It has already gotten late and… you worked way too many hours in the last days", she looked at him with a worried face.
"And why are you still here?", he gave back with a smug look.
"Someone needs to make sure that you don't stay the entire night".
"And what if I would? Would you stay here with me?", he knew he was testing the waters but he didn't care.
She tilted her head to the left and stared at him with a warning expression on her face and voiced a long "Harveeyy".
"What about we both leave now and…", he got stuck there for a little but after a quick second he found his courage again,
"… we could get some dinner. Just casual, we both change into something more comfortable and go to some restaurant somewhere and talk… you know, we haven't done this in a very long time and technically we haven't even celebrated you coming back to work for me again", he saw a questioning and thoughtful look on her face just like she was trying to evaluate the situation in her mind. He got more and more discouraged as she remained silent.
"I'd like that", she gave back with a shy smile on her face. They've done this before. Celebrating their anniversary at Del Posto but this somehow felt different to her, maybe due to all of what has happened in the past months.
"Good, Ray is waiting for you downstairs and he will take you to the restaurant after you got changed", he demanded not even trying to hide the cheshire cat grin on his face.
"You planned this?", she asked surprised. Usually she knew stuff like this but he actually managed to hide this from her.
"And what would you have done if I had said no?", she added.
"You wouldn't", he simply said and suddenly he gained all of his confidence back. Donna just shook her head and took a few steps back but her looks where still lingering on him.
He was right. She would've said yes, no matter what.
Ray had dropped her off in front of a cozy looking italian restaurant. Harvey was already waiting, walking a little nervous up and down the sidewalk.
"Hey stranger", she said making her way towards him.
No matter how many years they have spent together, his heart always still skipped a beat every time he saw her.
She looked absolutely stunning in her dark jeans, white sneakers and a shorter cut, flowy emerald green blouse that was cut out in a v-neck. Her hair was in half-up-half-down hair style and the shorter strands of her red hair framed her face perfectly.
She wore less makeup which made her freckles seem even more radiant.
He had changed into dark jeans as well and a tight fitted light grey long sleeve shirt.
"You look beautiful", he said before pulling her in into a hug which only lasted a second but the smell of her vanilla scented hair lingered on him. As they parted, he immediately missed her being so close to him and even though it was just supposed to be an innocent gesture between friends, he felt like home in her arms. When he was close to Donna it always felt just right. Everything with her felt right.
"I look normal Harvey", she gave back with an amused chuckle.
"But that doesn't stop you from looking great", he didn't even think but he didn't regret saying that a bit because it was true. She looked amazing and she should know that.
"Wow, who knew you could be that charming?"
"Oh please, you have always known that", he claimed as they were walking into the restaurant.
Even though the place was filled with people, it didn't seem crowded because of the many little corners with tables in them. The light was slightly dimmed and the warm-colored walls made the restaurant even homier.
"You really outdid yourself with this one, Specter", Donna voiced a little stunned as she and Harvey went up to the little table to get to their reserved place.
"Please lead the Specters to their table", the tall waiter said to his younger female colleague. The grin on Harvey's face started to spread immediately.
"The Specters, huh?", she asked trying not to sound too cheerful.
"Tell me you didn't like the sound of that", he gave back while placing his hand on the small of her back, following the young waitress to their table.
"Foolish to think of you that it would be Specter", she voiced and inevitably the grin on her face grew wider.
"We could make it Specter-Paulsen, just as you like", his voice changed into a lower tone and she noticed.
"You're an idiot", she said, trying to shake off the warm feeling that started to climb up her body.
They walked up to their table and sat down in silence but it wasn't an awkward silence, more of a comfortable kind, both wanting to capture this happy moment without any words. After they ordered their food, they started talking again. Not a word was said about work.
People from the outside wouldn't even notice that they were colleagues, they were just catching up on each others lives. Harvey listened attentively to her when she started talking about the recent theatre plays that she has seen and he seemed even more excited than her when she opened up about having landed the lead on a Shakespeare play.
Harvey told her about his recent visit at Marcus' and Katies place and about their little newborn girl which made him look overly smitten. She enjoyed this. Spending time with him outside of the firm, mostly because he seemed so relaxed. Little did she know that she was the reason for this.
Her sole presence did things to him that he never felt before.
Donna had ordered some fancy meal that Harvey couldn't even pronounce meanwhile he stuck to pasta, knowing that Donna would want some anyway. Them having dinner at an italian restaurant wouldn't be the same if she did not steal half of his food even though she hasn't finished hers.
She always told him that she had to keep her options open which mostly resulted in Harvey eating up her leftovers because she still needed to try out the desserts. Plural- because as well as with the main course she needed to keep her options open to have a "culinary experience". This just meant stealing Harveys dessert as well. But he loved that. Every freaking second of it.
"Mhh, yours looks good", she said after their menu has been delivered and he knew what was going to follow. That's why he pushed his plate further across the table so it was easier to reach from her position. She didn't say anything concerning his gesture, she just tilted her head and smiled while looking him directly in the eyes and in that moment Donna had no idea if it was her second glass of red wine but she suddenly realized what was happening here. Her and Harvey were having dinner and everything felt perfect. Too perfect to be appropriate. He knew her so well and so did she, everything felt so natural between them. No one needed to pretend or even say anything. The other one just knew. They've always just known.
"What is it…", he started, his voice being lower than usual.
"You suddenly look so thoughtful", continuing the sentence he just started.
"It is nothing… It's just… I don't know how to say this, but I haven't had an evening like this in a long while… Thank you, Harvey", she voiced in a soft tone not knowing how he'd react. Maybe he'd bring a smug joke about how great of a company he is.
"To be honest with you, I missed this… and you… not only when you didn't work for me but the weeks after. We never had enough time for anything and you should know that I appreciate you being there. Putting up with all my crap when other people just run away", she knew exactly what and who he was alluding to.
"You know that I would follow you to the ends of earth", she wanted it to sound easy going but it came out more serious than anticipated. Her words affected him. There was a sudden warmth flowing through his body and he couldn't stop grinning like an idiot but then he thought about Stephen and how close they have been today even though they've only a met a day or two ago.
"I have to be honest with you, Donna". He straight up looked at her. "Today I heard you with Stephen and you two seemed…
I don't know, you two looked so comfortable around each other and I don't have a good feeling about this guy… and I am not going to tell you what to do, not that I could but… just be careful around him. I don't trust this guy and I don't want you to get hurt", he continued trying not to sound too jealous.
"So it bothered you?", she hadn't left him any time to answer her metaphorical question and continued "Harvey, he just tried to flirt with me. It's not like you don't do that all the time. It was totally meaningless", it kind of hurt him to hear that their flirty banters seemed meaningless to her or at least that she thought he didn't think they meant anything.
If Stephen meant them in the same way he did, they didn't not mean anything. They meant everything.
"What is it Harvey?", she had recognized the thoughtful look on his face. She didn't mean to put her relationship with Stephen on the same level as hers and Harvey's.
"Donna… Don't say that", he gave back slowly.
"Say what?", she knew in which direction this was going but she wanted to hear him say it.
"Don't pretend like this doesn't mean anything… that we don't mean anything…", he didn't bare to look at her right now, his gaze was burning holes into the table.
Donna just stared him. He somehow looked broken, like he needed to say something so badly but couldn't bare the outcome of it so she did something that neither of them were expecting. She reached over to his hand that was laying on the table and started caressing his big hand with her delicate one.
"Harvey, I am right here and I know that you don't want to admit it but you're afraid and I want you to know that there's no need for you to be afraid. I won't leave you and I don't care if we are on good or on bad terms, no matter what happens we will always be, you know, Donna and Harvey", and once again she had no idea what they were.
"And now but it is time to order dessert. I am starving", she continued in order to lighten up the mood. Her hand has been laying on top of his for a while now but neither of them has noticed. It felt too familiar.
The last time this has happened was the other time. She was already dozing off when he was about to leave her bed, but subconsciously she had grabbed his hand which left him no choice but to stay the night, holding her in his muscular arms. Despite the other things that he kept in his mind from that night, this was his favorite memory of it. Maybe she didn't even remember but to him it meant the world. Because she meant the world.
"Then you should order for us", he tried shake off the inappropriate memories.
"You want me to order for you?", she asked with a huge grin on her face.
"You're going to eat my dessert anyways, so I figured that you should have a say in this", he gave back with a look at their hands that have been locked for a while know. And he enjoyed it. It looked cute. Her pale, freckled, delicate hand in his big tanned one, everything felt so right.
"I have to-", she started but Harvey has already interrupted her to end her sentence "Keep your culinary experience at a maximum", because he knew exactly what she was going to say.
"I really must have missed out on a lot. When did you become so attentive? I remember a time where you couldn't even keep girls names straight", he could see the surprise in her face as she was sipping on her third glass of red wine.
"Just yours, Debbie", he gave back with an amusing look.
She looked adorable, slightly drunk and impatiently waiting for her vanilla tarts that she had just ordered and as the evening continued she got more and more in the mood to talk.
"A few weeks ago, I went out with that guy, Rachel introduced me to him", she stopped for a dramatic eye roll,
"and he actually had the audacity to order the same".
"How dare him?", Harvey couldn't suppress a laughter.
"What is the point of him ordering dessert in the first place when I can't try, you know broadening my culinary horizon?", she asked him in a quite serious manner.
"But that wasn't even the worst", she continued,
"He didn't know a thing about Shakespeare and he was a bad listener overall", by now their desserts had arrived and he had already put his in the middle so it was easier to reach for her.
"I don't know anything about Shakespeare either", he gave back trying to prove a point.
"Yes, but you are different", it just slipped out, "and your dessert tastes great", she added to turn the attention away from what she said before. But Harvey didn't let himself fool by that.
"Oh, what have I just heard, I am different?", he looked directly into her hazel eyes so that she couldn't escape his gaze. He just said it to mock her and to make him feel like he was superior to her recent date. The truth was that he always compared himself to her boyfriends in the past.
"You know what I mean by that", she said nonchalantly.
"Do you mind explaining that to me further", he was clearly enjoying himself by now.
"Have I ever told you that you are an idiot?", she had no intention to deepen the meaning of her recent comment.
"Actually for a matter of fact, you already did call me an idiot earlier", reminding her of her previous statement.
"See, maybe you haven't changed that much in the last years", she gave back.
"Maybe, some things never change", his voiced changed into a deeper tone. Donna had tilted her head and and looked at him in a way she didn't look at anybody else and replied "You're right, some things never do".
"You remember the first time that we met?", he tried to lighten up their conversation and turn the attention away from their with tension filled looks.
"How could I forget, you wanted to get in bed with me from the first second", she said and started to laugh but before he had the opportunity to object, she continued.
"I remember everything. I was wearing a vintage short sleeved Balmain jacket and a short skirt and you were wearing one of your dark Tom Ford suits and that douchy hair style that I managed to mess up over the years", she was smiling like a cheshire cat when she remembered how she approached him at the bar.
"Don't you dare judge my hair, you had bangs", he tried to defend himself.
"Oh shut up, you loved my bangs and it was very in at the time", she gave back.
"Okay, you're right and you won, they were adorable", he gave in.
"Adorable?! I looked hot", she was feeling the red wine warming up her body.
"True, that's why I wanted to sleep with you", he as well was feeling the liquor now.
"No, but honestly you had me from the first second with your confidence", he added to his bold statement when he saw Donna's left eyebrow shooting up after what he had just said.
"Yeah, I'm kind of irresistible", she said jokingly.
She was. To him and to too many other men in Harvey's opinion.
"You know it", which made him subconsciously agree.
Their eyes locked for way too long now and their stolen gazes had become far from innocent and she feared to lose herself in them again. She needed to get out of there.
"Excuse me", she quickly got up and made her way to the bathroom. Lucky for her, it was empty. What were they doing in there and how did it come that far? They lost themselves in this conversation that pulled them even deeper into the inevitable and they just couldn't resist.
However, they managed to keep the other one at an arms length over the past years to prevent something like the other time from ever happening again but situations like this where they were so close and trusting made it a lot harder.
She walked up to the mirror and looked at herself for a while. Hair had loosened itself out of her hairstyle and her lips had become redder due to the wine so she pulled the hair tie out of it and shook up her curls that were loosely falling over her shoulders.
Figuring that Harvey would be already waiting for her, she made her way back to their little corner table. It has gotten late and they had already spend more time at the restaurant than both of them had anticipated, so Donna wasn't surprised to see that Harvey had payed the receipt.
"It was a beautiful dinner", Donna said after she sat down
"It was, I am happy we did something like that again", his voice sounded honest.
"How about I bring you home?", he proposed which made her heart jump. Donna knew how he meant it but still, it affected her when he said stuff like that.
"That sounds good, I don't know what would happen if I have any more wine", she gave back with a chuckle.
"I'd like to see that", he replied mirroring her laugh. That reminded him of the boring christmas parties Louis used to throw at the firm and forced them to go to which only resulted in them smuggling liquor from there into Harvey's office to have a party of their own. Harvey still had the images in mind of her laying on his couch flipping through his old records trying to chose the one she wants to listen to. He loved seeing her like that. Relaxed and a little tipsy ranting over what Louis had just pulled off at the christmas gathering and spilling the latest gossip that has been traveling through the grapevine at the office.
They had already left the restaurant when Harvey wanted to wave a cab which was nearly impossible on a busy Thursday night when basically half of Manhattan went out.
"How about we walk?", she looked at a slightly annoyed Harvey.
"I could use a walk a walk to sober up a bit", she had tilted her head waiting for a response.
"If you don't mind", he gave back. This way he could spend more time with her which was in his favor. He enjoyed her company.
"And it would be a shame not to look at the stars on this beautiful night", she has stopped walking and looked up to the millions of stars in between the skyscrapers.
He walked up behind her but he didn't care one bit about the stars. There could've been the freaking polar lights up there and his gaze still would've rested on Donna. Looking at her was far more tempting than anything else especially when she looked so content, standing in the middle of Manhattan just admiring the sky and all its stars.
"You know, after a while the stars start moving and you get dizzy", she said a few moments later.
He stepped closer to her, just in case.
"That probably isn't due to the stars", he gave back with a smile on his face. They have been standing there for a while now and Donna noticed him moving closer to her. She could feel his presence behind her so she leaned her head back on his shoulder. Neither of them had said anything and there wasn't any need to. Her shape fitted perfectly onto him. After a short while he wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on her head. Both of them just looking at the stars in total peace. This was how it was supposed to be. Them being so close to each other, ignoring that stuff like that wasn't supposed to happen because they were about to cross the line if they didn't stop.
"Donna?", he whispered into her soft hair. It smelled like strawberries and vanilla and the scent made all the memories from the other time come alive. How they fell asleep, his nose buried in her hair, holding her so tight, like he would never want to let go of her.
She didn't want that as well. Having his arms wrapped around her felt like home. She was feeling safe with him.
"Harvey?", she gave back after a while. By now she had placed her hands on top of his, just like earlier at the restaurant with the difference that they were much closer now, craving to be even closer.
"Maybe we should get going", saying this was going against every fibre of his body and he resented himself for it but he couldn't mess up all of the things he had even if it meant never being with her She was the only constant person in his life and he couldn't risk loosing her. Moreover, he knew for a matter of fact that she didn't even want him to. She had her rule and there was a reason that she didn't want to break it, at least not for him.
"We should", her voice sounded thoughtful and instead of just walking by his side with their usual arm-length distance she wrapped her arm around his and gently pulled him forward.
He blamed her sudden gesture on the alcohol, not that he was complaining.
Their height difference seemed even more significant with her wearing flat sneakers. Donna wasn't the one to admit that she loved feeling protected by a taller guy but with Harvey it wasn't like that.
It has gotten colder and she wrapped her arms around herself. Goosebumps have built on her skin.
"Are you cold", he was asking more of a metaphorical question because he saw that she was shivering.
"A little bit, I should've taken a jacket", she gave back.
Harvey didn't have a jacket he could give to her so he loosened his right arm from her firm grip and wrapped it around her delicate figure. His hand was softly caressing her arm and it felt like electrical sparks were flying through her body. At least she wasn't feeling cold anymore.
The polar opposite, every fibre of of her skin felt warmer the closer they were. And this didn't just go for her, holding her so close was making him feel things that he wanted to suppress so badly.
They walked like this for quite a while without saying anything. In comfortable silence. It felt right to both of them.
"We should do this more often", Donna said when they were already turning to the left into the street where her place was located.
"So the honorable Donna Roberta Paulsen is enjoying my company", he gave back with a confident tone in his voice.
"Don't think too high of you, Reginald, it's just nice to have someone to steal food from", Donna replied with a smug look.
"Does that mean you're just using me", he said fake-hurt.
"I am not saying that but I am also not not saying that", she laughed and they were still in the same position as earlier. His arm was still wrapped around her shoulder and his hand was still caressing her right arm. To other people walking past them they must've have looked like a couple.
A couple that was so comfortable with each other like they have already spent years together. This was true, they've been inseparable for the last eight years.
Just without the couple part.
"I see what what you're playing here Paulsen", they had arrived in front of her apartment building and she was loosening herself from his embrace. Both of them immediately missing the warmth of the other one. They were looking face to face.
"Thank you, Harvey-", she was getting more serious
"For taking me home", Donna added with a shy smile on her face.
"You didn't expect me to leave you high and dry on the sidewalk, didn't you?", he asked, mirroring her smile.
"Something like that", she said jokingly.
"Then-", she didn't really know that to say.
"Then-", again she was struggling to find the right words.
"This might be the moment where we say goodbye", she finished her sentence looking to the ground. He was too close to look him directly in the eyes without the risk of loosing herself in them again.
"How about I'll make sure you'll get to your apartment safely", he didn't want to let go of her just yet and since when was he so clingy anyway? This was a character trait that only showed when he was with Donna.
"Harvey, this is Manhattan but sure", she rolled her eyes while flashing a smile at him. He was insanely cute when he was being protective of her.
They walked up to the elevator in silence. The light in the hallway had been dimmed due to it being way past midnight.
Harvey had gotten into the elevator first and had lent his back against the wooden wall. Instead of walking up right beside him Donna turned around that she was facing the elevator door, parallel to Harvey.
She couldn't bare to look at him forced to be so close to him in this little box. Her mind was still clouded with the alcohol and it being so late didn't make things better.
Every fibre of her body was craving to be closer to him.
The same went for him and he was so close to take a step forward and wrap his arms around her waist, just like earlier that night, only closer. He wanted to be with her so bad.
To hold her and never let go of her, or maybe just being committed to her but he had his fair share of commitment issues, which made him afraid of all the things he wanted to have with her.
He wasn't good with relationships and taking care of them, most of them he had screwed up in the past, not just romantically spoken. Donna was his safe haven, the one who has still there when everybody left and the thought of screwing this up with her scared him. He couldn't let that happen because she was everything to him. Being this close to her made of all of it harder and he was constantly fighting with himself and even if he got over his issues he still would not be good enough for her because sooner to later it most likely would not work out and he would hurt her. How was he supposed to deal with that when he couldn't even see her being hurt because of other people? It was crucial. He loved her too much.
That's why he pushed his back further onto the wall, he didn't trust himself around her, trying to focus his thoughts on anything but the gorgeous redhead standing mere feet in front of him. He failed. Obviously. He blamed on this little metal box where he inevitably sensed her perfume or shampoo. Whatever it was, he wanted more of it. He wanted more of Donna.
It was impossible.
She could smell his cologne even though she desperately tried to ignore it. It has been the longest elevator ride that she had ever experienced. She could feel him behind her and she was begging for him to come closer but at the same time she wanted him to remain as distant as possible. To be honest, she didn't know what she wanted. Her mind was racing with her ambivalent feelings when she heard the releasing sound of the elevator doors opening. They made it. She made it. Without jumping her boss also known as her best friends with very blurry lines. As they were walking up to her door, she felt the tension rising again. This was the moment where they must eventually part, as hard as it might be.
They were going to spend the night separate. Nothing of this was even up to discussion. They were just friends and it was supposed to stay that way, they couldn't even admit to each other that they wanted this. Being with each other.
It was too much of a risk.
She unlocked her door in silence and he was nervously staring at the numbers on the door. 206. He has only been here two times. The god-awful dinner party and the other time.
Both of these times they were more than friends but now it would be different. They won't cross the line. That's what they've been so vigorously telling themselves.
Making it sound so plausible that they nearly started to believe themselves.
"Harvey?", she asked as he was still lost in his thoughts.
Their gazes met in the poor light of the hallway. Her apartment was dark and he could only see the broad outlines of the furniture inside. It looked different than the last time he had been there.
"I made it here just fine", she added with a chuckle.
He made a step towards her, not saying a word. The little distance between them was becoming even smaller when he pulled her into a hug. As a reflex she wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head on the crook of his neck.
They've tried to avoid closeness before. No hugs, no unnecessary touching, always retaining a safe distance.
The distance was gone now. His hands wrapped around her waist, he was just holding her and every second he was holding her longer made it harder to let go of her, which in fact, he didn't. Most importantly, he just couldn't.
She was the one who was trying to win some distance by pushing him away with her hands on his chest because she was fond of where they were heading and she wasn't about to let that happen.
Their gaze met again and she was too captivated by his dark brown eyes to back away this time. Something like this what inevitable and exactly the reason why they usually tried to keep their distance.
He was leaning down to her resulting in their foreheads touching. He was about to close the small distance that was between their lips when tears started forming in her eyes.
She didn't know if it was the alcohol or her general overflow of emotions when it came to Harvey or a dangerous mixture of both but Harvey noticed it as well.
Donna was the one break the silence between them that was so loud at the same time.
"Harvey-", more tears were forming in her eyes.
"We can't do this and you know it", she continued with a breaking voice. They couldn't do this. He couldn't do this to her because he already hurt her though they didn't even take the plunge. They missed it. It was just one more missed opportunity that still managed to throw them off the tracks.
He slowly loosened the firm grip on her waist and took one step back. He couldn't bare to look at her and neither did she.
"Goodnight Donna", he said while taking further steps back, now looking up to her standing there fighting her tears and he hated himself for this.
Her perfume still lingered in the elevator and he felt his eyes staring to burn. He screwed it up, screwed them up. All he wanted to do was hold her but he couldn't because his closeness made everything even worse for her. He wasn't good for her and she only deserved the best even if it meant she would never be his.
Donna closed the door of her apartment all slowly, trying to wrap her brain around what had just happened, or more precisely, what nearly had just happened.
It was forced to happen. Them, a romantic atmosphere and late night conversations didn't exactly decrease the tension between them that had always already been there.
She made her way to her bathroom, tired with thoughts still running through her head. Why did it always had to be like that and how were they supposed to face each other in the morning and pretend that nothing had ever happened.
They were good at pretending, it's what they did the last time but she was tired of it. This meant walking on eggshells for months and things at the office were at stake.
She knew that it was hard for him at work with everything that happened during the last days and he needed her.
But what did she need? All those years she put him first. Harvey was her first priority in her professionell life and if she would be honest with herself she would be able to admit that he already took up more space in her personal life than normal work relationships or normal friendships would do.
In moments like this when things got even blurrier than usually, she questioned herself.
Her decisions in regards to Harvey and what she already gave up for him. In total, this added up to two relationship and whole lot of her time but he was worth it.
That's what she was telling herself. Loyalty is a two way street was what he always liked to say and it would be wrong to say that he didn't give up anything for her.
He fought like crazy for her.
When they first started working together at the firm because he wouldn't come there without her, when Jessica fired her and he got her back. Sometimes he didn't know how and it came off like he didn't really try but truth be told, he couldn't be him without her.
Calling their relationship complicated was an understatement. No matter how messed up it has always been, they managed to screw it up even more but for some reason it worked just fine.
They stuck together in every single situation event though it sometimes seemed like they were on opposite sides.
It was part of their everyday life and it has been like that forever, when they were working late at the DA's office stealing Camerons scotch talking about things not actually regarding work.
All of this was spinning in her head even when she was tired and slightly wasted like this and it costs her a lot not to call him right now and say all these unsaid things.
There were countless of times where she was somewhere, constantly thinking about him and it has always bothered her that she felt the need to be close to him and always imagined how certain situations would be if he'd be there.
How they'd play out if they'd be couple. She gave up several relationships for him and for what? For not being with him and never having the opportunity of being happy with the one person she had always wanted the most. That was what had bothered her. She didn't even question giving up her relationships for him, maybe there were a few doubts but she told herself that it wouldn't have worked out in the end anyways because she felt like there was always something missing and she never fully found out what it was, it somehow felt like she never got to settle down and felt completely at home in anyones arms. Except with the man she was so desperately trying to stay away from. She had no regrets about breaking up with Mitchell or Mark but deep down she regretted one thing: Never fully admitting to herself that she wanted to be with him.