CHAPTER ONE: AFTERMATH
"Harls! He's on our asses!" the red haired green skinned Poison Ivy warned looking over her wedding dress clad shoulder.
"I'm flooring it!" the crazy blond Harley Quinn replied. "This thing is such a piece of shit!"
"Well it was Kiteman's loaner because his real car is in the shop, which he never got back, because you know Kiteman and can fly…" Ivy started to ramble.
"Can't you make a roadblock or something?" Harley barked not taking her eyes off the road.
In response the redhead gestured and some weeds growing in the cracks of the road sprouted up forming a wall, however one police car was able to avoid the wall and was hot on their tail.
"Holy FUCK!" Harley screamed "It's Gordon!"
Bullets whizzed past striking the windshield.
"GIVE IT UP!" Jim Gordon shouted through a megaphone.
The two women felt the wind pick up along with a familiar sound. Ivy looked up and her eyes got wide.
"Oh fuck." She muttered.
Harley saw the police helicopter too. "Oh! Ya gotta be shitting me!" Harley screamed. She then noticed ropes cascading down from the copter.
It was then, when Poison Ivy gestured vines shot out from the ground ensnaring the helicopter. Ivy then forcefully slammed the Helicopter down to the ground. All while Harley kept driving.
Harley felt something hit a tire of the car and it veered out of control, Ivy was tossed from the vehicle and tumbled before laying still
"IVES!"
Harley had to control the car which tumbled and even overturned. Catapulting the blonde into the air!
"OH SHIIIIIIT!"
She felt herself get caught by a group of vines. She saw Ivy getting to her feet, the lower skirt of the wedding dress was torn though. She gently set down Harley, before setting her green eyes on the police who where advancing on the pair.
"You. Fucking. ASSHOLES!" Ivy raged. As she advanced murder in her eyes. "Bad enough you ruin my wedding and gas me, but you chase us and try to kill the only person I really give a shit about!"
"Aww!" Harley fawned.
Ivy managed a half smiled before continuing. "You've also ruined my fucking wedding dress! It's a mother fucking RENTAL!"
"Really?" Harley questioned. "Why not just buy it?"
"How many times would I need a wedding dress Harls?" Ivy replied. "Was cheaper to rent one, well that's fucking out now. I've gotta pay for this!"
"Oh, for the love of." Jim Gordon griped. "Just tranq em!"
As the Gotham City Police Officers raised their guns Ivy gestured and they found themselves wrapped in vines. However, as they got wrapped in vines a shot rang out!
Harley closed her eyes but felt no impact, she opened her eyes and saw a vine in front of her, that took the shot. Next to her Poison Ivy glared at the police officer and with a simple gesture the officer was crushed to death, his body exploding in a blood-filled mess as the vines released his bloody remains.
"Aw no! Not Anderson!" Gordon lamented. "He was a damn good cop! No, he wasn't, pretty corrupt actually. Well he was a damn good man! Well, no, he wasn't that either, loved to drink and the man was a fucking deadbeat, hadn't paid child support in months!"
"Wow." Harley commented hearing Gordons rambling. "Can ya give his salary to his family? I mean I know what's it's like to have a deadbeat dad."
"She does know what it's like to have a piece of shit deadbeat dad." Ivy put in.
"Total piece of shit."
"Big time."
"Event tried to kill me for a bounty on my own head."
"Wait…what?" Ivy questioned her eyes widening.
"Oh, yeah." Harley recalled. "That was after everyone I knew and trusted got mad at me for going back to The Joker."
"Yeah, yeah that's nice." Gordan cut in impatiently.
"Oh yeah, you assholes." Ivy growled glaring at the imprisoned police officers. "Ok so here's the deal. You all fuck off, leave me and Harls and our crew alone, we lay low and everyone goes home happy."
"And option B?" Gordon asked.
"I make you plant food." Ivy replied. "Oh, and did Anderson carry money?" she looked at the corpse.
"Should." Gordon replied. "Anderson loved strippers. Even more than his own family, crying shame really."
Harley took the wallet and opened it to find almost a thousand dollars in various small bills. "Wow. Hey Ives, this gonna cover the rental."
"Oooh yeeaaahhh." Ivy said. "The rental….suuuure." Ivy then snapped back to reality. "Ok fuckers, back to Gotham you go."
"Wait..wait." Gordon said. "What about our helicopter boys?"
Harley was checking out the ruined helicopter, oblivious to the danger that there might be a survivor or two. "Yeah, they're all pretty dead." Harley announced. "Oooh this guy's brain is coming out of his mouth!"
"That's disgusting." Gordon grumbled.
"Yeah." Ivy replied. "whatcha gonna do though."
"No, I mean brains coming out of your mouth." Gordon retorted. "Just seems unnatural."
"So, you guys going to fuck off and leave me and Harls alone?" Ivy asked.
"No promises, the mayor tells us to hunt ya down, we will." Gordon insisted.
"Yeah, yeah." Ivy replied waving her hand dismissively. "Just fuck off and leave us with a car."
Ivy released the cops and dropped her vine wall, allowing the police to leave, which they did in quick order, leaving Anderson's corpse and car behind. Ivy looked at her wedding gown and sighed.
Harley came skipping up before stopping by Anderson's mutilated corpse and grabbing something before skipping to Ivy. She knelt and used the knife she got from Anderson's corpse to cut away the lower part of Ivy's wedding gown from the knees and bellow, allowing the redhead some freedom.
"Wow." Harley commented in an attempted to liven the mood. "You've got some great legs Ives!"
"R..Really?" Ivy questioned blushing. "You don't think they're too boney? I've always thought they were way too boney."
"No way!" Harley returned. "Shit, you look good."
"We, should get going." Ivy said though she was still blushing.
The two went to Andersons car, which was a total mess. Harley spent five minutes just shoving crap like chip bags, soda cans, beer bottles and beef jerky wrappers out of the passenger side.
"Ugh! So GROSS!" Harley griped.
"Harls!" Ivy barked.
"WHAT?!" Harley snapped.
"You just going to leave that shit there?" Ivy asked.
"Uuuuggggghhhhh!" Harley groaned.
Ivy used her powers to gather up the trash Harley tossed on the ground. Then using the vines that gathered the trash, she deposited the trash in Anderson's remains. Ivy went to the driver's side and saw a police hat. It was dark blue and black, not her colors. Harley got in with a sigh.
Ivy then plopped the hat on Harley's head. Making the blonde smile, the sun was setting and in the eyes of the pair. Ivy found a two pair on sunglasses in the divider between the drivers and passenger side. She handed Harley a pair with a smile, before putting hers on.
"So, where too?" Harley prompted.
"Find a place to lay low." Ivy replied. As she put the car in drive and started moving.
XXXXX
The afternoon turned into night as a GPD Cruiser rolled into a small town on the outskirts of Gotham. Weary green eyes scanned the roadside and finally saw a motel. Ivy pulled into the parking lot, Harley joined her, her sunglasses now above the rim of her hat.
"Yeesh, what a dump." Harley noted.
Ivy was silent, she thought of what would have been her honeymoon, with Kiteman, a honeymoon that wasn't going to happen. She looked at her wedding gown, then Ivy felt something.
Anger, full fledged anger, as if a voice was in her head, telling her to be angry at Harley Quinn. That because of Harley her chances for a normal life where over. She saw Harley grab a key off the peg board for a room. That's when the rage burst like a volcano
Ivy looked at Harley her green eyes burning with anger. "You. Ruined. My. LIFE!" Ivy raged. "I finally had it! A chance to live a normal life! With a normal person! Not some lunatic who gets off when people treat her like shit! What's worse? What's worse?! You went to ARKHAM instead of leaving with me! Fucking ARKHAM!" Ivy then stomped off taking the room key from the Harley in the process.
"Fuck you Ives!" Harley screeched. "This is the thanks I get?! I should have let them BURN YOU!"
Ivy stopped mid step and turned to look at Harley, but them doubled over in pain and with a wounded cry rushed into her room. Harley cried out too and ran on instinct.
Ivy stumbled into her room her breathing was heavy, her mind racing, how could she have done that, said that to Harley? She had to go back to Harley, to apologize, but she felt so sick for some reason. Her head pounded her stomach lurched as the redhead cried out in pain.
"What the fuck is happening to me!" Ivy cried, then her eyes rolled back in her head as they closed and she fell backwards onto her bed, unconscious.
XXXXX
Harley cried out as she ran to a pool deck, with a long-drained pool. She clutched her gut, she felt sick, her head pounded. What was happening to her? What was with Ivy and her outburst, what was with her outburst! It felt like someone was in her head making her PSYCHO!
Harley's eyes went wide.
"THAT MOTHER FUCKER!" she screamed "I'M GONNA KILL IM!"
"Lower your voice." Another voice purred, Harley knew it instantly as Catwoman, the lovely dark-skinned woman smirked at the blonde. "Ditch the dress Clown Girl, suits you about as well as a wedding dress suited Pamela."
"Ohmygod IVES!" Harley rambled.
"Passed out, decided to check on you." She handed Harley a small metallic object. One Harley noticed. "It'll keep your mind free from that little troll." She turned to leave as Harley placed the object in her ear.
"Where ya going?" Harley asked.
"See if the plant has bloomed yet." She thrust a bag at Harley that also had her bat in it "Get out of that thing, I'll see to Pamela."
Grumbling the entire time, Harley found a secluded area to change.
XXXXX
Poison Ivy stirred in her sleep before waking with a start. Ivy groaned, her stomach churned, and her head felt like it was about to explode. Ivy scanned her room and saw someone, in black leather. "Aw shit." Ivy muttered.
"Good to see you too." Catwoman quipped before going to Ivy and handing her a small object. "Put it in your ear."
"Wait, Harls gave one of these to me when…" then her eyes went wide. "I am going to fucking murder him." She said her voice more deadpan than usual. "I'm going to rip his heart out through that tiny little ASS of his!"
She handed Ivy a bag "Change first, that wedding dress isn't you. Like the maid of honor dress wasn't for Quinn."
"Well at least she changed into her dress." Ivy quipped looking at the black clad Catwoman.
"I don't do white…." Catwoman started
"Lilac." Ivy interrupted. "It's fucking Lilac."
"I don't do lilac or green." Catwoman noted. "I do black with subtle about of bling." Earning a look from Ivy, who knew that the last word to describe Selina Kyle, was subtle.
"You want the dress for when you marry Batman?" Ivy asked her voiced dripping in sarcasm. "Or you just gonna steal another one." Ivy quipped.
"I've stolen plenty." Catwoma replied calmly. "Snap to it."
"Privacy." Ivy said in an annoyed tone, much to Ivy's annoyance Catwoman turned her back so she wasn't looking. "You've gotta be shitting me."
"Step to it Pamela." Catwoman ordered. "Unlike Quinn I've no real desire to see you naked."
"So why are you here Selina?" Ivy asked as she got changed. "We all know giving a shit isn't your style."
"I was interested in the aftermath." Catwoman replied coolly. "Stopped by the factory after dropping off Tim, it's a warzone. Chances are Gotham won't be safe to return to for a bit. Word has it the Mayor might even order a nationwide hunt for the two of you."
"Anything else." Ivy sighed; she knew by Selina's tone of voice that she was leading to something.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Selina questioned. "While I agree that Kite Man wasn't a good fit, hooking up with Quinn only leads to trouble."
"Why?" Ivy questioned as she put her jacket on and zipped it up. "Jealous? Harls cares about me Selina, unlike you she doesn't leave me high and dry."
"Then kudos." Catwoman said with a smirk. "I'll be in touch." She opened the door and saw Harley there "Good luck" she said to Harley as she passed by her.
"So," Harley started. "Wanna fuck up Psycho?"
Ivy nodded absently. "Harls…"
"Talk later, kick ass now!" Harley insisted.
Harley made her way down the hall to a room labeled MENS ROON she was about to burst in but found a wall of vines blocking her way.
"IVES!" she wailed. "I just got SMASHING BLUEBALLS!" She gave Ivy a dirty look, but Ivy's expression was different, almost pleading. "Ives…."
"Listen Harls we need to have a talk." Ivy requested.
"Look, Ives, this is just from Selina, she said something and got you thinking!" Harley reasoned. "We have to stay focused; we have a fucked-up dwarf to kick the shit out of! I really NEED to kick the shit out of that little asshole! I can't continue my day without smashing the SHIT outa something!"
"Okay, how about we fuck up Psycho, fuck up the Riddler." Ivy started she heard a gasp and gestured as vines sprung up holding a struggling buff, bald man with a question mark on his forehead in a green singlet with black question marks on it. Ivy looked at Harley "May I?"
"Wait." Harley said as she grabbed her bat, Ivy sensing her malicious intentions controlled her vines so his privates, where a tempting target.
"Oh sweet Christ no." Riddler begged, but Harley raised her bat and hit him right in the privates. Riddler's face turned purple as he moaned clutching his privates. "Aww, I feel so much better. Guess I needed to keep my eyes on his bouncing balls! Get it because his balls, what I smashed….fuck you it was funny!" Ivy rolled her eyes and Harley frowned. "Ok, fuck him up." Harley smiled at her own cruelty to The Riddler, as Ivy instantly began using the plant that held Riddler to also beat the shit out of him.
"Ow! Fuck! Jesus! Stop!" Riddler yelled as he was pummeled. "Bad enough my fucking balls are mainly pudding now!"
"Hey, Harls, want me to stop beating up this piece of shit?" Ivy asked.
"I know where Psycho is!" Riddler pointed out.
"Bathroom jerking it." Ivy replied.
"Think he has a hard on?" Harley asked.
"Raging, must be huge."
"Three inches! Fully Erect!"
"Ok can you two STOP!" Riddler protested. "Last thing my mind needs is a mental image of that little fuck's dick! Riddle me this! How do you make me wanna vomit? Keep bringing this shit up!"
"Why are you here Riddler?" Harley asked. "Weren't you part of the Harley Revenge Squad?"
"You know that's a better name than the one Psycho gave us." Riddler noted. "He just called us The Guys Who Really Hate Harley and Want to Kill Her Club. Not even accurate! Sure, I don't like you, but not to the whole hate thing."
"Lame." Ivy snorted.
"I know, right?" Harley replied. "Mine is so much better."
"More menace."
"Less dumb."
"So less dumb." Ivy replied. "So, can we fuck up Psycho, so you and I can get to the girl on girl…" Ivy was cut off by snickering from the Riddler. "TALK! Girl on girl TALK!"
"OH! SO HOT!" a voice called from behind a closed door right near the trio. "Uh-oh, shouldn't have said that."
Ivy glowered as a yelp was heard from behind the door then slamming as a heavy object rammed against the door. "What BUGS me Harls" Ivy said as she slammed whoever was behind the door against the door. "Is that you went to ARKHAM! You didn't even ESCAPE with me, it really HURT." With the last words Dr. Psycho tumbled to the ground through the door.
Above him Harley broke into a maniacal grin as she readied her bat.
"Oh, this is gonna fucking suck." Psycho muttered.
She started wailing on Psycho as she spoke to Ivy. "Well, I'm sorry IVES, but well, you wanna talk HURT, how about saying you don't TRUST me with your HEART!" as she spoke, she just hit Psycho over and over. "Then TODAY, I try to HELP you and you THROW ME OUT!" Harley was panting standing over the quivering little man. Harley then snapped and with a guttural cry of "AAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHHH!" she started kicking Psycho.
"OW! FUCK! STOP!"
"Woah there killer!" Ivy called taking hold of the blonde. "Easy on kicking the mutated cabbage patch doll!"
"He does look like one of those fucked up things." Harley panted.
"Yeah pretty sure he's the product of a hate fuck." Ivy replied. "Like a potato hate fucking one of those dolls."
Harley looked at Psycho quivering and battered blood streaming down his face. She winced, not at the damage done to him, but just because she found him absolutely repulsive to look at. Ivy using her powers deposited Psycho at the entrance of the hotel. Ivy looked at Harley.
"Ives.." Harley said. "I'm sorry but what you said, did hurt me, that's why I went to Arkham, because then you wouldn't have me in your life anymore."
"You totes weren't gonna stay in Arkham." Ivy responded.
"Pssh. Fuck no." Harley retorted. "I was gonna break out after the wedding and, well go someplace else."
"Harls." Ivy said. "I was scared, confused, to be honest I still am, I mean the kiss after the pit, the hot sex on Themyscira. I guess I just wanted to feel like I was normal, to lie to myself to make believe I was happy with Chuck. Then the whole mind control and you. You fought to get me back, hell you fought me. Then after that, when it all came tumbling down, I ran, then when I came to get you, you didn't reach out."
"Ok, can we just agree that we've had our shitty moments and promise to be better to each other?" Harley cut in.
"Yeah, we've had shitty moments for sure." Ivy agreed. "I'm sorry I said that whole thing about trusting you with my heart."
"So ya didn't mean it when ya said I go from one thing to another?" Harley asked eagerly.
"No, you totally do that." Ivy replied. She noticed Harley's face fell with a whimper. "But not with people, I mean how long did you put up with The Jokers bullshit?"
"You hated that I put up with his bullshit." Harley pointed out.
"You deserved better Harls." Ivy stated. "How about with me, even when we were on the outs you came to save me from Scarecrow."
"You did kill trees for us." Harley noted.
"Fuckers where trying to hurt my best friend." Ivy commented with a smile, which quickly vanished. "You said I was someone who didn't treat you like shit, now look at what I did."
"Well you did give me a second chance after I fucked up after getting into the Legion of Doom." Harley recalled. "Ya want a second chance Ives?"
"Yes, yes I do." Poison Ivy smiled as she wrapped her arms around the blonde. "Harls, I love you."
"I love you too Ives." Harley responded wrapping the redhead in her arms.
The two then met in a kiss.
Which was almost instantly interrupted by
"Holy crap, Psycho was right." Riddler commented. "That's so fucking hot. Odder still is I'm hard right now, hurts like hell, but hey it still works!"
Ivy glared and gestured calling the plant that currently held him to smack Riddler around some more.
"Fuck you Riddler!" Harley scolded give him the finger from the safety of Ivies embrace.
"Ok Edward what's your deal?" Ivy asked keeping an arm around Harley's waist. "It's not like you where part of the crew."
"I was your fucking power source!" Riddler protested. "Come on, give me a chance!"
"You wanted to KILL ME!" Harley shouted. "Like several fucking times! Remember, acid?!"
"Margarita mix." Ivy corrected.
"Still stingy, and like super sticky." Harley replied.
"Yeah it was super sticky." Ivy agreed.
"And who got it for you?" Riddler questioned smugly.
"Not you!" Ivy retorted, "Had to fucking go to Wal Mart! Course I did make myself feel better slaughtering everyone in that store when they tried to make me pay for it. Best Saturday morning ever."
"You didn't fucking pay?" Riddler questioned.
"Fuck no." Ivy replied. "I'm labeled as a super villain, even though I classify myself as an environmentalist."
"Didn't you toss all of a logging company and their families into an industrial strength woodchipper?" Harley asked.
"Fourth best birthday ever, holla." Ivy said getting giddy.
"Ok this is nice and all." Riddler put in. "So you going to let me go or just forcefully drag me down memory lane?"
"Only if memory lane is a loose gravel road, we drag you face first down." Harley growled.
"Easy there peanut." Ivy said, gaining a glower from Harley to which Ivy smiled. "You don't like the name peanut?" Harley shook her head. "Totes calling you that whenever you step out of line." Ivy sang. Harley fumed, but Ivy was already looking at The Riddler. Harley noticed the desk clerk, since they got there all he did was stare, he didn't move or anything.
"Hey Ives." Harley said. "Notice the creepy guy?"
"Which one, we've got three. Creepy dwarf who we still need to kill, creepy old guy who won't stop starring and creepy buff bald asshole." Ivy reasoned.
"Second one." Harley said as she began walking to the desk Ivy following. "HEY! OLD GUY!" There was no response, Harley saw the look on his face, a vacant expression. "Hey! Are you dead? Please don't be dead. That would be like super akward!"
Ivy walked over and shook the old man, causing his head to fall off. Blood spurted like a brief fountain as the corpse dropped to the floor
"WAAAAAAUGH!" Harley screamed. Then they heard laughter as they saw a figure approach.
"Oh man! You shoulda seen yer faces! HAAAA!"
Harley's eyes went wide as did Ivies. That voice.
"FABLES?!" Harley cried. "How the fuck are you alive? I killed you! Remember you sent the wolf to kill me, King Shark hollowed out the wolf, I pretended to be the wolf that killed me, then I knocked your head off. I mean it was a total surprise, because it just popped off like a fucking grape! Didn't even know a human head could do that! Super unexpected!"
"Props for that." The Queen of Fables replied. "I'll make a real villain of you yet!"
"She's not cut out to be a super villain." Ivy said wrapping her arm around Harley's waste.
"She's right." Harley agreed. "I'm not. Had a big shot and I didn't take it and I was offered it twice."
"Twice? Who would…." Fables started then "Darkseid?"
"Yep." Harley answered.
"You turned him down, twice?"
"Yep, pretty sure he's gonna try to turn our world into a parking lot , gas station or some shit like that though." Harley replied.
"Yeah." Ivy agreed. "He didn't like being rejected."
"You." Fables said looking at Harley. "Turned down a badass mothafucka like Darkseid, and you did it TWICE?!"
"YES!" Ivy and Harley replied in unison.
Fables stood there a minute not sure what to make of this. Then she burst into a grin and tried to hug Harley, though the acrobatic blonde was able to dodge the hug, not fully trusting Fables. "MY GIRL! I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT!"
"You tried to KILL ME!" Harley protested.
"So did baldy over there." Fables remarked pointed at Riddler who was freeing himself. "So did greenie there."
"Mind control." Ivy said.
"Still counts." Fables remarked. "Point is, that was tough love girlfriend."
"How the fuck did you survive losing your FUCKING HEAD!" an exasperated Harley demanded.
"Girl, if killing me was that easy someone woulda done it a long ass time ago." Fables bragged
"Oh, bull fucking shit." A voice commented. They looked at saw a small, battered looking man in what they were all convinced was a child sized tux. He gave them the finger. "Fuck you all, you stupid worthless…." His last word was heard, Harley glowered and readied her bat, Ivy scowled and summoned plants and Fables readied her spear, ready to gut the little creep. They also heard a dejected
"Hey!" from the Riddler.
Then the air filled with machine gun fire!
END CHAPTER ONE