A list of school rules, published by ms Hermione Lodge
1; changing my name to ms Hermione Granger is banned and rude. I would never date Ron.
2; changing my name to Hermione Andrews is also not permitted. Just because Veronica is dating Archie does not mean I'm ms Andrews.
3; Veronica! how dare you tell the entire class I had an affair with Fred. That was a secret!
4: no, Mr Mantle, you may still not call me ms Andrews.
5; miss Blossom, while a lesbian Titanic does sound good, please do not try to make the film in front of me, during my class.
6: miss cooper. How did you get ino my desk?
7: hairpins are banned.
8: painting the school in rainbows is forbidden.
9; no, Cheryl, you are not girl in red. Girl in red can actually sing.
10; no I am not in the position to put your mother in detention Archie.
11; Mary Andrews objects to being forced to wear a Disney princess dress.
12: miss Topaz, how on earth did you manage to drive a motorbike into the school?
Hermione Lodge poured herself a glass of wine, wondering why she had agreed to become teacher. She rubbed her head. She could definitely feel a headache coming. She began to tidy up her desk. She walked out of her office, intending to get some lunch from the vending machine.
13; Mr Jones, why did you have to eat all the burgers in the cafeteria? Other people should be able to eat today.
14; Cheryl Blossom is a vegan. She does not appreciate a burger being placed in her bowl of chips, Mr Jones.
15: Mr Keller. You are not allowed to give Mr Fobarty a pair of fangs.
16; yes, I do know his first name is fangs.
17; who named you all? Jughead, Jellybean, Sweet Pea, Fangs? They are not names.
18: yes, I do know who your father is Mr Jones.
19; NO. no. no. me and Fp have never ever kissed.
20: miss Cooper, telling mr Jones that his father was too busy snogging your mother is just wrong.
21; especially when you and Jughead were snogging in MY class earlier.
22: yes, I did notice that. I do have eyes you know.
23: twilight ought to be banned. It is an abomination.
24: running around pretending to be Bella is not funny,
25; playing Vampire Diaries on projector in the middle of class is not funny.
26: miss Cooper, Mr Keller, Mr Fobarty and Veronica, I can assure you, Damon Salvatore is not hot. He looks younger than me.
27: miss Blossom, Mr Andrews, miss Topaz, Mr Jones, and Mr Mantle, Katherine Peirc e is not hot either. she's a psychotic bitch.
28: no, she is not less evil than the adults in Riverdale.
Hermione smiled pleasantly as Hiram walked over to her. "How is the first day of lessons?" he asked. Hermione knew he would not be here unless he wanted something. "what do you want?" she asked. "can you make sure Archie leaves later than usual? He and I need to have a talk. Thank you." he said, walking away.
Veronica approached. "what did Daddy want?" she asked. "nothing." Hermione replied. "fine. Anyway, i'm worried about Archie, I think Daddy is planning something. So, I was thinking could you-" "no!" Hermione yelled. "this obsession, you both have with Archie Andrews is ridiculous"
29; having an obsession with Archie Andrews is hereby forbidden.
30; while singing a nice song together is allowed, if you all decide to sing wish you were gay by Billie Eilish, could Miss Blossom and Mr Keller please refrain from singing wish you were straight loudly over the top of the others.
31; how did you manage to drown all the others out?
32; Ethel, I can assure you that Ethelhead will never happen. Bughead, yes. Vughead, maybe. Jarchie, maybe. Tughead, maybe. Ethelhead, never.
33; fizzle rocks and jingle jangle are illegal. Mr Fobarty, that means you cant walk around handing packets out.
34: or selling them.
35; even if my husband sold them to you.
36: miss Blossom you cannot shoot people if they do not do a specific whistle and hand signal.
37; you also cannot suggest a hunger games. We had enough trouble with kids killing other kids when Penelope decided to bring that fucking game back last year.
38: yes, teachers are allowed to swear, miss Cooper. Whatever your mother might say.
39: Mr Smith-Jones-Cooper- whatever your called, may I ask why you are in the school? You are an adult.
40; eww. Mr Smith-Jones-Cooper- Bond, saying you needed to talk to your brother because you found a tape of him and your sister having sex is not a good excuse.
41; okay. Fine. Telling the truth. Whatever. Please leave before I call the sheriff.
42; just because the sheriff is your father doesn't mean you can go around doing whatever you want. Why is everyone in this town corrupt?
43; yes. Veronica, I am completely aware that we are the most corrupt family.
44; although unlike Clifford and Hal, neither me or Hiram ever tried to kill you, so we aren't that bad.
45; don't test me veronica. I will commit a murder.
Hermione was fully aware that her list of rules had descended into a rather one sided conversation. Yes, one day at the school had driven her crazy. She wasn't sure how she'd survive tomorrow.