"You know, this isn't the worst interview I've ever had" I said to the eyeless blueish-grey humanoid on the other side of the desk "but I'll be damned if it's not close".

"Very droll. Regardless, by turning up here, you have applied successfully, and as the only applicant, you have the job. I fail to see the problem." The suit wearing humanoid sat with their hands clasped primly in front of them, their received pronunciation voice coming out in an almost lecturing tone.

"Well, given that the only reason I'm here is because the ad stated there would be a free lunch – the spread was awful, by the way, why do all of the vegetarian options have cheese in them –, I don't actually want the job, you've sealed up the door so that I physically can't leave, and, oh yeah, you're so obviously inhuman that I'm trying my hardest to avoid having a full on panic attack. So, yeah, somewhere between any and all of them, I'd say the problem is."

"Well, I guess you have never been told that there is no such thing as a free lunch, then. Aha. Aha. Aha." Their laugh wasn't, just a dry statement of the sounds.

"Urghh, this is, to use a technical phrase, all kinds of fucked up." I stood up from the chair and started pacing around the surprisingly luxurious room, wandering back and forth across the crimson carpet. "You explained the job role, but to be honest, my brain's a little kinda overwhelmed right now, so you mind hitting me with it again?"

"You do realise I have already done so three times, yes? Sigh." Again, they verbalised the word rather than making the sound. "Very well. I will endeavour to be succinct. The company that I work for, and you are now employed by, have a role in wish fulfilment. One of the current wishes that is being fulfilled regards a..." The figure looked at a piece of paper on their desk "Is-eeki fantasy har-eem. It appears to be a fairly standard protagonist insertion. However, we are aware that among the various human, demi-human, and human-like species" a hand waved in my direction "you will regard something as more valuable the more you have to struggle for it. An amusing psychological quirk, with unfortunate repercussions. Simply giving the individual in question everything they want causes them to swiftly become bored with the situation. As such, they require challenge."

"So give them a book of sudoku or something, I don't see why I need to be involved in this shite."

"Convention. Certain things are expected of fantasy. In this particular scenario, a villain. Which is, as you may have garnered from the advertisement, where you come in."

"Bloody thing" I grumbled to myself. "When I saw a job ad for a fantasy villain, I gathered it was for Larp, or D&D or something, Not some extradimensional group sending people to other world to fulfil wishes, for some reason. What is up with that, anyway?"

The figure shrugged in a way that I could have only managed if someone had taken a sledgehammer to both of my shoulder blades. "I am paid well enough to not ask that, or any similar questions. And as of now, that applies to yourself as well."

I blinked, stopped in my pacing, and turned to look at them. "Huh?"

"You will, of course, be reimbursed for your time. This is a job, after all, not an internship. Aha. Aha. The payment accorded to you, however, will be administered up front, in the form of boons, resources, and upgrades, all of which should allow you perform in your role of challenging the hero character. You may also receive bonus pay packets, as a reward for exemplary work."

"The exemplary work of being a villain. What, I get a bonus for being villainous? £5 for every baby kicked?"

"Nothing so crass. You will find it more as a reward for keeping the hero 'on their toes', as it were, and making them work for their victory."

"Just making them work for it? What if I stop them entirely? Give 'em the old one-two and make them tap out of the game?"

"That is a task easier in the saying than the doing, I think you will find. Think of it more as a goal to strive for. Regardless, your task will be to oppose the will of the hero, and, in general, provide a general backdrop of malfeasance and villainy for the world. It is understood that this is a fairly general overall description, and, as such, you will be encouraged to engage in your own methods of villainy. Baby kicking, as you phrased it, will not be necessary. Although if that is what you desire, then kicking babies will no doubt contribute towards that malfeasance."

I rapidly shook my head. "Nah, I think I'ma be alright with not booting infants, thanks. So, what, is that it? Throw some cash at me, fling me into villainy, off I pop? I'm alright, thanks. If you could just drop me off anywhere around here, I'll be good."

"Your refusal to accept was mildly amusing the first time, but has since swiftly become wearisome. It is long past the time you are able to refuse, I am afraid. Especially due to the fact that the time you spend in my office is slowly eroding your sense of self. Or had you not noticed that you only have body parts when actively paying attention to them?"

What? That couldn't have been the case. I looked down at my... huh. It was only when I stopped talking and looked at myself I realised that there wasn't really much I could do other than talk. Bits of me faded in coherence when I paid attention to them, a foot moving when I thought about walking, but if I wasn't paying attention to it? It wasn't there.

"That's disturbing. That's very disturbing. I should be freaking out about this. Why am I not freaking out about this?"

"I would imagine that the part of you that would be disturbed is eroding as well. Perhaps it would behoove you to finish the paperwork as soon as possible, lest you find yourself losing more than your physical form?" The figure gestured towards the paperwork on their desk. " Do not worry yourself about that one, incidentally. A new one will come as part of your benefits package."

I sat down. Had I already been seated? The exact location of my body felt fuzzy at the moment, making me feel less of a specific person and more of a 'to whom it may concern'. "I dunno, I'm kinda attached to this body. Or I was, anyway. I think"

"Your physical form will meet your expectations, do not worry. Now, your payment. You will have an allotment of resources to spend in a number of different categories, and an additional discretionary budget to be spent as you see fit. If you would start looking here..." The figure placed a stack of paper in front of me, and I started paging through it, before stopping, looking up, and staring into the flat surface where their eye sockets should be.

"This is a Choose Your Own Adventure style document. Really?"

"It has been proven that delivering the information in a form that is recognised by the individual increases the intake speed of the information. Familiarity is a useful tool. I believe the hero has something similar to assist them with their abilities. Patterned on a video game, if I recall correctly."

I sighed as I looked back down. "Wonderful." Still, nothing for it, I thought, as I began reading my way through the documents.