IT'S ALL TOO MUCH
The letter came the day before Halloween. Lily was just sitting down to breakfast with Marlene and Elle when the post arrived. She was eating marmalade on toast, something her mother had always fed her when she was young. Marlene had started bringing in thermoses to fill with the breakfast teas so they could drink them throughout the day, so Lily had filled it with English Breakfast tea.
Lily's owl, Eerin, flew down and dropped a crisp envelope on Lily's lap and flew off.
Lily, recognizing her mother's handwriting, opened it immediately.
The handwriting was shaky and the page was splotched with water stains like Mrs. Evans had been crying.
Dear Lily,
Your father left last night. He packed his briefcase and told me he was leaving me for that Ms. Parken down the street. I arrived early to his office, but they told me that he'd turned in his resignation days before. He left divorce papers and
Lily stopped reading and cupped a hand over her mouth. She stood up and stepped over the bench.
"Lily? What is it?" Marlene asked, placing a hand on her friend's.
"Um, I have to go," Lily said, turning and running out of the hall. Tears slipped down her cheeks. Her friends called after her, but she was too far gone to hear their protests.
The redhead found herself in front of her dorm room, but she couldn't get herself together enough to remember the password. She sat down in front of the door, wrapped her arms around her knees, and tucked her head against her chest. She sobbed silently as students walked by, oblivious to the Head Girl.
"Evans?" Asked a familiar voice. Lily looked up to see James standing above her.
"Sorry, I was just-
"Are you alright?" James asked.
"I- yes. I am fine," She wiped tears from her emerald eyes.
James stood above her awkwardly, as if he wanted to ask her something, but didn't know how. She stared back.
"Sorry, you look like you're going through something right now and I don't mean to be insensitive, but I need to get my books for class," James said, adjusting his broom, which was positioned on his shoulder.
"Oh, hell. I'm sorry," She apologized, scrambling to her feet.
"Nimium est," James said, and the door swung open.
The Heads shuffled into their dorm.
"Are you sure you're alright, Lily?" James asked again.
"I'm fine, Potter!" She snapped. She stormed to her room before he could get another word out. The door reverberated in its frame when she slammed it and she recognized the sound all too well. This was good, wasn't it? That Richard Evans had finally left? They didn't need him. But what about her mother? With no one but Petunia visiting every Sunday? And without a job… she'd go broke within weeks.
Lily decided that the only thing she could do right now for her mother would be going to class. She couldn't do anything else, so she changed out of her tear- and sweat-soaked shirt and left the room.
James was in the shower, she could hear it running, so she bolted from the dorm before he could emerge from the bathroom. In her hurry, she didn't notice the letter fall from her book bag and flutter to the ground like a feather.
Lily was feeling slightly better after classes and she had worked up the nerve to write a response to her mother. Something light and positive, she thought. Apologetic, but reassuring.
She'd agreed to meet with Marlene and Dorcas and Elle for lunch and studying, but she had to stop by the dorm first for her extra potions textbook for Elle had lost hers… again. When she whispered the password to pass the growling animals, she was confused by the sight that awaited her.
James sat on the sofa, his brow furrowed, and her mother's tear-stained letter open in his hands. He didn't hear her at first and she didn't process what he was doing until he looked up.
He dropped the letter, pity unfurling in his dark eyes. "Evans, I'm-"
"What- what are you doing?" She was shocked at first. Appalled that he'd even think to do something like that.
"You dropped it and I just wanted-"
"Oh, shut up, Potter. You had no business reading that letter and we both know it," Lily spat. Hurt flashed across James' face, but he masked it quickly, realizing that pity was not the appropriate response to this.
"If you don't want me to read it then you shouldn't be waving it around in my face!" He stood over her, his eyes flicking around her in a way that made Lily extremely conscious of her frazzled appearance.
"You just don't know when to stop, do you?"
"You're one to talk!"
Her? He's accusing her of not knowing when to stop? She'll show him not knowing when to stop.
"You're an insufferable prat and Dumbledore made the worst mistake making you Head Boy. What's it like to be a failure?"
"At least I'm not cursing first-years in the dungeon anymore like your perfect little Snivellus," James hissed.
"What?" Her voice faltered.
"Didn't you read the reports? Snivellus cursed Jack Binley last night with Muliciber and Avery. It seems he's taken a turn for the worse since you last spoke to him."
"I- I didn't read the reports."
"Of course you didn't. Because everything I report doesn't matter."
"That's not true!" She whispered, tears clouding her eyes.
"Oh, sure. You know, Evans, you think I'm a failure, but you're just as much of one as I am with your insistence to constantly be the best. You try so hard because you know it's the only way to cover up your insecurities."
They stood in shocked silence for a second, surprised at the words that came flying out of each of their mouths.
After a while, Lily said quietly, "I'm so disappointed in you, Potter."
He scoffed. "You're disappointed in me?"
"I thought there was someone good inside of you. Someone other than the arrogant, foolish James Potter everyone else knows. But I was wrong. You're just as bad as everyone thinks." She turned on her heel and left the room, slamming the door to her room.
James found himself in the Gryffindor Commons later that day, sipping on a flask of Sirius's smuggled firewhisky.
"Prongs, you haven't drank like this since Lily chewed you out in the dorm that day. What's eating you?" Sirius asked. He had his regular cigarette and was sitting in the open window, blowing smoke into the crisp autumn air.
"Just let me enjoy my firewhisky in peace, please?" James slurred.
"James," Remus sighed. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, exasperation coating his features. He looked more lean and tired than usual, a side effect of a maturing werewolf. He could hardly make it through the day without falling asleep or through the night without waking from a nightmare.
"What?" James lolled his head in Remus's direction.
"What did you do?"
"What'd I do? I didn't do anything! It was all... Ms. prissy-pretty-perfect-prefect."
"James Potter!" Remus shouted. He barely ever yelled, so James, though he already felt guilty, shrank with shame.
"What?"
"Does your drinking have anything to do with Lily running out of the Great Hall today?"
The Head Boy hesitated. "...Maybe?"
"James! What on earth did you do?!"
"I, possibly, read a private letter?"
"Whoa, Prongs, really?" Sirius guffawed. "What'd it say?" He jumped from the windowsill and stamped out the cigarette with his boot heel.
"No! Don't tell him!" Remus said, standing up. He snatched the flask from James' hands, who didn't even protest, and smacked James upside the head. "You git!"
"Moony! Give me my drink!"
"No! Go apologize to Lily. Right now!"
"No!" James shouted, like a toddler having a tantrum.
"Prongs, I have to admit. Even for you, that was a bit... how do I put this... awful?" Sirius said. He could hold his liquor, unlike James, and showed no signs of intoxication. Peter, on the other hand, was passed out on his bed. That boy came back to the dorm later every evening, Sirius had reported, and seemed to barely get any sleep at all.
"You- James pointed at each Marauder individually- "Are a load of awful mates."
"I'm going to get you some food," Remus said, frustrated. He left the dorm, slamming the door on the way out.
Sirius strode to his best mate, leaning down to his level. "You're a git, you know that, right?" He asked, looking up at him.
"Oh, you're no better. Stringing that McKinnon along."
"Yes. We should start a ban on girls," Sirius contemplated, sitting up against the bed. He turned to look at James who stared back at him. They both started to laugh. "We wouldn't survive a week!" Sirius said between laughs.
After a few minutes of silence, James sobered up. "I shouldn't've read that bloody letter."
"No, you shouldn't have. But there's nothing to be done about it now except apologize," Sirius said.
"We both know what good that would do."
"Yeah."
James stared forward for a second, contemplating, before taking another swig of the fiery drink and passing the bottle to Sirius.
Lily sat against the door to her bedroom for a good thirty minutes until her legs cramped and her shivering became too much to handle.
She decided to skip the last two classes and sent Patronuses to her friends to let them alert the professors.
As she peeled off her school clothes and climbed into her comfy bed, she thought about why this argument had bothered her so much more than the previous ones.
Had it been the anger and sadness she felt from her parent's separation? No, she'd been expecting this to happen. Though awful and saddening, it was unsurprising.
Maybe it was the frustration from Snape's actions? Those were unsurprising too.
It couldn't possibly be that Lily was bothered by this argument -that, mind you, had been almost identical to all the others- because she fancied James Potter?
And that certainly couldn't be it because Lily would not and could not catch feelings for James Potter.
It simply couldn't be done.
A/N:
Hey! I know it's been forever, but I have a bunch of chapters stockpiled. More to come soon!