DON'T LET ME DOWN
Lily couldn't even look at him. He'd really done it now. Everything she did was passive aggressive- from setting milk down on the counter to kicking his shoes aside when he left them in the doorway.
They worked on schedules together and ran Prefect meetings together, but as soon as they were finished Lily would push back her chair with an ear splitting screech and slam the door to her room. She didn't dance anymore and he missed the sound of her bloody awful music coming from her room.
He missed her. Everything about her, from the way she talked to the way she laughed. He swore he couldn't even smell her flowery perfume anymore, even though she still lived in his dorm.
"When is this going to be over?" Remus asked Sirius from his bed across the dorm. James slept motionless on his bed, glasses askew and hair flat. He'd slept there almost every day those two week and Remus was getting tired of picking up his Quidditch gear and book bag.
"Give him time, he'll work up the courage to apologize and she'll get over it. For now, just enjoy the fact that our mate's back." Sirius responded. He was reading a book- some novel that Marlene had wanted him to read.
"Sirius, I rather think that he should apologize now. Do you really want him hanging around and complaining about her for the rest of the year? You know he won't do it unless he has some help."
"Leave him be, Moony. He'll get over it."
Remus didn't believe he would, but he picked up his History of Magic textbook and returned to his studies.
Marlene didn't remember the last time she'd seen Lily so very sad. She moped from class to class, barely even lifting her hand when a professor asked a question. She spent much of her time in the library or in the girls' Gryffindor dorm, only returning to her dorm minutes before curfew. Everytime Elle said Lily's aura needed a boost or Dorcas made a not-so-subtle hint about walking her down to the Quidditch Pitch before practice, she sent them a look that would make them shrivel up. The girls, of course, didn't hold it against her. She'd never gotten like this and they had assumed the teenage-girl moodiness would set in sooner or later.
"Do you want to go into Hogsmeade this weekend?" Marlene asked Lily for the third time that day. They were sitting in an empty nook in the wall, working through homework slowly. Marlene was supposed to go with Sirius, but she told him she was waiting on a response from Lily. She was supposed to give him an answer soon… as in twenty minutes ago, when she was supposed to meet him on the Astronomy Tower.
Marlene had never been a particularly reckless girl. Sure, she snuck out and brought alcohol into History of Magic and went to riotous parties, but she was a mainly good girl. She got good grades, had (mostly) nice friends, and was an overall nice person. However, she had been informed that risks were meant to be taken when she began dating Sirius Black.
Lily seemed to not hear her, or perhaps she was simply ignoring her, and continued to scribble out her essay.
"Lily," Marlene said, annoyed.
Lily, again, seemed not to hear her.
"Lily Evans!" Marlene shouted. She drew a few odd looks from passerbys, but she ignored it.
"What? What, Marlene?" Lily whipped her head to face her.
"This is enough! I'm tired of your moping and your 'oh, poor me' act! You won't even tell me what happened! What is going on? What happened with James?"
"Why does it matter? Why do you care?"
"Excuse me?" Marlene asked, shocked. She shook her head, her mouth hanging open.
"Why do you care?"
"I care because you're my friend! Because something happened and it's so wildly obvious that you miss him and he misses you and that you like him!"
Lily slammed her book shut. She was beyond angry now, with Marlene, with James, with her father, with her own bloody self!
"Why can't everyone just leave me alone?!" She cried. Marlene stood up, gathering her things.
"Fine. If that's how you want it. Come find me when you're done being a bloody imbecile." She stormed down the hallway, leaving a shocked Lily behind her.
When Lily made her way to the girls' dorm that night, she found it locked. No one answered when she knocked, so she walked back to the Heads Dorm. She found quite a spectacle there, as James was quite nearly pinned to the wall by the snarling lion. He was yelling random words at it now, trying to guess the correct password.
Lily was tempted to leave him there and walk the other way, but she waved her wand and muttered the password under her breath. The lion retreated and purred like a house cat when it saw Lily. She rubbed its head as James scrambled up, cursing none too quietly.
"Um, thanks." He walked past her and she caught a whiff of alcohol on him. His robes and Quidditch gear that were constantly strewn about the dorm always smelled of firewhisky now. It used to smell of sweat and grass and… like him… but now it was foreign.
When she walked to her bedroom that night, he stood from his seat at the table and said, "Wait."
She paused, but didn't bother to turn and look at him. "I really am sorry. I was being an idiot. And thanks… you know? For saving my life back there?" He said, quietly. Even though she wasn't looking at him, she could see him scratch the back of his neck like he always did when he was embarrassed. She shook her head slightly and left the room. She could hear him sigh and she felt cruel. She'd never been a cruel person.
More than a small part of her wished she had said she was sorry too.
Lily felt worse than she had previously for the next three days. She missed her friends, she missed the Marauders, and worst of all, she missed James. She missed talking to him after meetings or in between classes. She missed playing chess in the middle of the night. And she hated herself for making it this bad.
Lily would lie awake at night thinking about what Marlene had said. It couldn't be true. She loathed James. She loathed Quidditch and his bloody pranks and the way he left his clothes all over the dorm and his stupid grin and the way his hair flopped over his eyes… yes, she definitely loathed him. There was no other explanation for it.
It had been four weeks since the fight and Christmas break was approaching. She'd have to go home. She didn't want to be home with a mother who was trying to be strong but was dying on the inside and a sister who hated her.
Finally, Lily got up the nerve to go down to the Great Hall and confront Marlene and the girls. When she approached, she was stopped by a hand on her arm.
"Evans," A slimy voice said. Malfoy stood beside her, sneering. Crabbe and Goyle stood behind him and their wands were not-so-subtly tucked in their sleeves. Lily wasn't afraid, however, even though she knew how dangerous these Slytherins were. She glanced over at her table and saw the girls looking over at her, their jaws hard and eyes worried. She shook her head minisculely, as if to say, I'm okay.
"Malfoy. Can I help you?" Lily asked politely. She subtly reached into her pocket, only to realize that she had left her wand on her bedside table. She never did that. A tiny spark of panic alighted inside her.
"Have you read the news?" He asked. His whole demeanor reeked of entitled power.
"I haven't. If you'd let go of me, I'd go do that."
"I'd rather tell you. You see, five muggles were killed last night. Does the name Kensington mean anything to you?"
Lily's heart broke. Maria Kensington was a second year Hufflepuff. She was a Muggleborn. Lily had tutored her during last year and had been her guide for awhile. She was a sweet girl.
"I believe two people by that name were killed. I would watch your back, Mudblood."
"Malfoy," Another voice hissed. Severus Snape appeared next to the blond-haired wizard and Malfoy sneered at him.
"This does not concern you, Severus."
"I require your opinion on something."
Miraculously, Malfoy released Lily with a final derogatory comment. Snape looked over at her with concern, but Lily ran the other direction. She didn't have time to deal with him.
Her arm ached a little, but it barely bothered her as she ran towards the Headmaster's office. As she approached the statue that guarded the stairs, Professor Sprout descended the stairs, a sorrowful look on her face.
"Professor!" Lily shouted, raising her hand as if to flag her down.
"Oh, Miss Evans. May I help you?" Sprout asked. The robust woman paused, but looked around the hallway nervously, as if she was afraid to be caught talking to Lily.
"Is it true?" Lily asked.
"Oh… so you heard. Yes, I'm afraid it is. Miss Kensington is in class right now, but I assume she'll find out soon."
"Can I go up?" She asked, motioning to the stairs.
"I believe the Headmaster was looking for you. Lollipops." The statue groaned aside and Lily stepped onto the staircase.
"Oh, and Lily?" The professor stopped her.
"Yes, Professor?"
"Please be careful." Professor Sprout suddenly looked many years older than she was. The flowers that were intertwined in her witch's hat were wilted and even the hat drooped more than usual. Lily supposed war would do that to people.
Lily nodded quickly and hurried up the stairs. She knocked on the door and waited for the reedy voice of Professor Dumbledore to allow her entrance.
"Come in," He said quietly, and Lily entered.
He was sitting behind his desk, a kind, sympathetic smile on his face.
"Ah, Lily. I've been expecting you. Please, sit." He motioned to the gilded chair across from him and Lily sat in it, slightly dumbfounded.
"I suppose you've heard of the terrible news, haven't you?" Dumbledore continued. Lily nodded. "Please, help yourself to a chocolate frog. I hear from Mr. Potter that you are quite fond of them."
"No, thank you, sir. Please, when will Maria know?" Lily leaned forward in her chair. She could feel tears pricking the back of her eyes, but she blinked them back, determined not to cry.
"That's what I'd like to talk to you about. I would like you to be the one to tell Miss Kensington. I believe it would be best coming from Head Girl."
"Is it because I'm a Muggleborn? How am I, someone could have very easily had the same thing happen to me, supposed to console this poor girl? Why wasn't anything done to stop this?" A tear escaped down her cheek and she brushed it away as quickly as it appeared.
"Security measures will be taken for the families of Muggleborn students. We were unaware of how dangerous the Deatheaters were at this time. The only reason you will be informing Miss Kensington about her family is because you are Head Girl. I can get Mr. Potter to do it if you would like." The professor adjusted his half-moon glasses and Lily noticed how old the man suddenly looked.
"No. No, I'll do it. I apologize," She said embarrassedly. How easily I forget, she thought, that I'm not the only one hurting.
Lily slipped quietly through the door and motioned to Professor Dibley. The professor nodded grimly.
"Maria Kensington?" Lily asked, trying not to let her voice shake.
A small girl with long brown hair and dimples popped up, smiling widely. The girl sitting next to her whispered something and Maria nodded before maneuvering through the desks and towards the door.
"Hello, Lily," She said cheerily, waving.
"Maria. Will you step out in the hallway here for a second, please?"
"Of course!"
Lily led her out into the hallway.
"What did you need?" Maria is still smiling. Lily's heart broke again at the thought of crushing this poor girl.
"Maria… there's been an attack," She said quietly. Maria's face fell.
"No…" She breathed.
"Five muggles were killed. Your parents were two of them."
Maria didn't say anything for a long time. Finally, without any shock in her voice, she said, "There's been a mistake. My parents were supposed to be in France right now. They never took their honeymoon, so they were going now. There's been a mistake."
"Maria, I'm sorry, but they're gone. They came back from their trip early and… I'm so sorry."
"Who told you? This isn't happening. This can't be true. No, they're in France. They're on their honeymoon!" Maria seemed frantic now, as if she was trying to convince both herself and Lily that they were still here. A tear dripped down her cheek and she swiped at it hastily. Lily shuddered and her eyes tingled from the pain of holding back her own tears.
"Please, you're wrong! There's been a mistake!" She was shouting hysterically now and she dropped to the floor, like the will to live had left her. Lily sat beside her and held her tightly, hushing her with soothing words.
Maria continued to heave and fight until her last breath was gone and she slumped, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs. Lily helped her up and half-carried her to the infirmary where Madam Pomfrey looked sadly upon the girl.
"I'll take good care of her, Evans. Thank you," The nurse said, taking Maria from Lily's arms.
Lily walked numbly back to the Heads' Dorm; trancelike. Before she could even notice, streams of tears fell down her face. She entered the dorm where she saw James sitting at the kitchen table. He scraped his chair back quickly when he saw her, running over to her.
"What's wrong?" He asked. He wrapped his arms around her without hesitation and she fell into his arms, leaning all her weight against him. "Lily, what is it?"
She couldn't seem to form the words to tell him, but she muttered 'I'm so sorry' over and over again. And she was. He nodded and said he was sorry as well, and he just held her, They stayed standing in the doorway for a long time until he led her over to the couch and pulled a blanket over her shoulders.
"I'm here. Whatever you need, I'm here," James said softly, brushing his hand lightly over her back. Lily nodded and hesitantly laid her head on his shoulder.