LONG, LONG, LONG
Lily had had the worst possible week. Every tiny glimpse of James she got came with a pain in her chest. She remembered this feeling from when Petunia started calling her 'freak', but it was slightly different this time. Like a different part of her heart was aching. This was worse.
As she sat in the full compartment, diagonal to the boy who filled her dreams and thoughts, she couldn't do anything but stare out the window and wish she was in the arms of him.
Over that week, three more Muggleborn families had been killed. It was getting out of control. Despite the sorrowful news, the seventh year Gryffindors were eager to be half way through the school year and were currently making a large amount of raucous playing Exploding Snaps. Lily wondered how self-centered they could be. She sighed and shook her head.
"Lilykins! You should play!" Dorcas said cheerily, jerking her head towards the board.
"No, thanks," Lily said shortly. She crossed her arms over her striped shirt and crossed her legs as well, making herself as small as possible without curling into a tiny ball.
"I'm afraid Lily has a bad case of the wrackspurts. It should pass with time. It often affects heartbroken and sorrowful people," Elle said softly, affixing a pair of glasses on her face and peering closely at the irritated girl.
"No! I'm not suffering from 'wrackspurts'! I can't believe how insensitive you all are being! Three muggleborn families died this week! And you gits are playing a game! And, and, and laughing! Don't you understand that people are dying?!" She stood up, pressing her hands to her hot face. She knew she looked like a tomato, she always did when she got angry.
"Lily, calm down!" Marlene said strictly, standing up. She set her hand on Lily's shoulder, but Lily pushed her away.
"I don't understand you people!" She stormed out. She pushed her way through the corridor, trying to get to the door that led outside. She needed air. She couldn't breathe.
There was a pounding in her chest, like her heart was trying to escape her chest. She threw open the door and gasped when the cold December air hit her face and bare arms. LIly immediately began to shiver and quake, but it wasn't from the cold. She pressed her hands to her eyes, but it didn't stop the tears.
"Breathe, Lily. Come on, Lils. It'll be over in a second. Please, breathe, Lils." Petunia's voice echoed in her head. Lily recognized what she was having as an anxiety attack. She had had them a lot when she was little and Petunia always used to curl her into her arms and whisper comforting words into her ear. "You're going to be okay. It's all going to be okay. I'm here, Lils."
The fuzzy image of her older sister holding her tightly, her blonde hair falling into Lily's face, brought her back to earth. As feeling returned to her limbs and the pounding feeling in her chest faded away until it was a steady beat in the back of her mind, she slid to the ground, breathing heavily.
Lily focused on images that brought her strength and happiness to calm herself down. She saw Dorcas, Elle, Marlene, and Alice laughing in front of her camera, posing sillily while Lily shrieked at them to sit still. She saw Remus and her studying in the library. She saw her mum and Petunia baking in the kitchen, laughing at something Lily had said. Most importantly, she saw James smiling at her from across the chess board, illuminated by the firelight. His nose had a little wrinkle in it, right between his eyes, and his glasses had slipped down the bridge of his nose. His hair was wet and stuck straight up in the air and Lily reached out to touch it, until she remembered that this was only a memory.
The door slid open suddenly and Lily flinched. She looked up at the imposing figure to see that it was Severus Snape.
"Oh. I didn't know anyone was out here," Severus said awkwardly. Lily peered up at him, taking in his disheveled appearance. He would have been tall, taller than James, perhaps, but he walked with a slouch and his shoulders were always hunched near his ears. He looked as though he hadn't showered in three weeks and Lily couldn't help but pity him.
"It's fine. I'll go," Lily sniffed and stood up. As she tried to push past him, he grabbed her wrist. She tugged against him, a stream of memories flashing past her eyes. "Let go. Of me, Severus."
"You were crying," He said bluntly.
"It's none of your business."
"Lily-" He started.
"No!" She shouted, reaching for her wand. "You don't get to call me Lily. After saying what you did- doing what you did? You don't get to call me anything but 'mudblood'. Because that's what I am, Severus. My blood is muddied and you don't get to treat me any differently than you would any other with my blood. So don't call me Lily. Don't call me anything."
"Lily, you can't help your blood! You can't help the fact that you have a- a-"
"A what, Snape?" She pulled out her wand and made a deep slit on her hand. She held it up to his face. "My blood looks exactly like yours. Whether you like it or not. Don't make excuses for your own horrible- bigoted! Behavior! So let. Me. Go. I don't want anything to do with you." Tears threatened to stream down her face, but she promised herself to stay strong. She wrenched her hand out of his and grasped her other stinging palm. Blood trickled down her wrist and a tear slipped from her eye as soon as she turned her back on him.
"Lily?" Marlene asked. She ran down the corridor with Dorcas on her heels and stopped in front of her. "We were just coming to check on you… what did you do to your hand?"
"Oh, oh no, no, no, it's okay, sweets," Dorcas said softly as Lily broke down. They shepherded her into the small loo. It was crowded, barely enough space to breathe, especially with Dorcas' thick rosy perfume. Dorcas straddled the toilet and Marlene wiped the blood from Lily's hand and sewed it back up with her wand.
"What's happened? What's going on?" Dorcas asked.
"I- I don't know! I'm being a horrible person, I know it! I haven't asked how you two are doing and I can't stop crying and I've broken James' heart and I don't know how to fix it!"
"Lily, enough! Why are you bleeding?" Dorcas asked. She grasped Lily by the shoulders, trying to calm the girl's tears.
"I slit my hand to- to show Severus that my blood was the same as his. God, I'm so sick of him! I'm so sick of prejudice and everything! I'm tired of people dying and not being able to do anything about it and knowing that it's only going to get worse! I'm sick of feeling useless!"
There was a knock on the door, but Dorcas shouted, "Oh, sod off!" She quickly turned back to Lily and slapped her across the face.
Marlene and Lily stood in shock at Dorcas's sudden display of anger.
"What was that for?" Lily asked unsteadily, her lip shaking.
"Stop. Crying," Dorcas said through gritted teeth. "You can do something. Go tell James Potter that you love him, you bloody sod! There is a war going on, we get it. But we have to pretend that everything's going to be okay because you need to live. Stop dwelling on death when you have an entire life ahead of you. Get a hold of yourself, Evans, because there are things you can change. Live your life, because people are dying so you can. Go tell James you fancy him! What is stopping you?"
"I'm going to get him killed! He's going to become a target!" Lily said back.
"Oh, shove it, Lily! Anyone who doesn't associate themselves with the Death Eaters is a target! And he's going to get himself killed if he doesn't have someone to keep him in check! He's going crazy without you!" Marlene said.
"So what's really stopping you?!" Dorcas said.
"I'm bloody terrified!" She shouted. "I'm bloody terrified of falling in love with him! I'm bloody terrified of losing myself in him!"
"Falling in love is scary, Lily. But everything is scary the first time you do it. Take the chance. Please, stop torturing yourself and him and just tell him how you feel."
Lily straightened her posture and wiped her eyes. "Okay. I will."
"Good. Now let's go play Exploding Snap before I slap you again," Dorcas pushed open the door and led the way down the corridor to the compartment.
They got a few weird looks from the boys when they entered, but Elle quickly distracted them with her tarot card readings.
As James unpacked his trunk in his home later that night, a small slip of paper slipped from a pocket. He picked it up and flipped it over, scanning the contents quickly.
James, meet me at the Universe Coffee shop tomorrow at nine a.m.
Don't be late.
The note was unsigned, but James recognized the handwriting. His heart skipped a beat, but slowed again when he realized she probably wanted to discuss the new Prefect schedule. There was going to be a Spring Ball and knowing Lily, she probably wanted to plan ahead.
"What's that?" Sirius asked, barging into James' room. Truth be told, it wasn't really just James' room. It was Sirius' as well since they spent most nights sprawled on couches in James' living area. He flicked his wand in an attempt to steal the paper, but James caught it soundly and stuffed it into his pocket.
"Nothing," He said quietly, turning back to his trunk. He unpacked his clothes one by one, setting them in his laundry bag. He could've gotten Winky to do it, but he needed to get his mind off certain… people. As he assessed his assortment of clothes, he noticed was missing his favorite Quidditch jacket. Oh, that's right, Lily had borrowed it months ago and it had never made its way back to James.
"Mate, you've got to stop beating yourself up about this thing with Evans. It's not your fault," Sirius said. He dropped into an armchair and spun his wand between his fingers. He was happier now, for he had spoken with Marlene and made up. Well, not spoken, particularly, but they had made up. He thought. It was bloody near impossible to tell with her.
"Leave it be, Padfoot." James fell into the opposing armchair and pulled a jumper over his head.
"What makes her so special, though? Don't get me wrong, I love Evans, but she's just a girl. She's a bit of a bint with you, innit she?" He pulled a flask from his pocket and took a swig from it.
"You don't see her like I do."
"You're damn right I don't! So explain it to me." He held the flask out to James, but the other boy shook his head.
"She's… beautiful. I mean, she's practically perfect on the outside and I suppose that's why I was so… so infatuated with her before this year, but it's different this year. I've noticed how wonderful she is on the inside. She really cares, you know? She's outrageously smart, but she doesn't let people know. It's subtle. You think, 'this girl couldn't possibly be that smart', but then she hits you with some random fact about the Minister of Magic from 1300 and the Dragon Domestication Law of 1812. And she has this sparkle in her eye when she's teasing you, and then you realize she was messing with you and she laughs. A beautiful, airy laugh. And sometimes she'll snort. And it's in those moments, when she's truly herself and comfortable in her own skin that you realize how lucky you are to be able to sit there with her.
"And she's so caring. She has study groups on Saturdays and even though I know she knows about Remus, she's never said anything. I see her bringing him chocolate on the days before a full moon and giving him hugs and making sure he's okay the next morning." James paused, staring into the empty fireplace. Sirius listened intently and, surprising, believed every word of what James was saying.
"I know she has flaws, but I love them. Every one of them, just as much as I love her strengths. I get that she's hated me for years… I get that she probably didn't want anything to do with me and probably still doesn't… but I can't help but think that maybe… maybe one day. And for someone like Lily? I'll wait till the day I die. Because that's what love is to me. I love her. Irrevocably. I'll love her forever, despite everything that's telling me not too."
The boys sat silently for a few minutes before Sirius said slowly, "Well… maybe you shouldn't listen to me. I mean, I'm only your best friend who always makes the right decisions."
"Hah! I can think of more than a hundred horrible decisions you've made!" James laughed and Sirius tried to protest.
There was a sudden knock on the door. "Hey, boys?" Mrs. Potter said sweetly through the wood.
"Yes?" James responded.
"Dinner will be ready in ten minutes." Euphemia Potter was the sweetest and kindest woman alive. She was also strict and strong, something you had to be raising two boys like James and Sirius. She had worked as a Healer for almost thirty years before she had James and stopped working, instead settling for an immense amount of volunteer work. With the war approaching, she was working almost ninety hours a week at St. Mungos, while balancing her Muggleborn Mothers' club. The Muggleborn Mothers' club was a group of mothers of Muggleborn students who met every Thursday at the Potter Mansion for tea. Mrs. Potter talked about everything from Quidditch to Politics to keep the mothers up-to-date on the inner workings of the Wizarding World. Sadly, with the war, fewer and fewer members had been showing up. It was probably for the best.
"Can we eat up here?" Sirius asked.
"Absolutely not. It's your first day back from school! I want to know everything that happened to my sons while they were away!" She said strictly.
"We'll be down in ten," James said.
"Not a minute later!"
"Yes, Mum," The boys responded, rolling their eyes. They heard the woman shuffle away and went back to their conversation.
"Anyways, Lily wants me to meet her at Universe Coffee tomorrow at nine. I don't know if I can go," James said. He waved his wand towards the fireplace to start the flames, for it had suddenly grown very cold in the room.
"Why not?" Sirius asked.
"Because- wait, do you hear that?" James paused and turned his head towards the door. There was a scratching sound outside, like nails on a chalkboard. Then something like clacking heels. Mrs. Potter didn't wear heels.
"Yeah," Sirius responded. He grabbed his wand and clenched his hands against the arms of the chair.
That was when everything went wrong.