I didn't go anywhere after my scan yesterday; it didn't feel right to celebrate when I had heard nothing from Nick and what was going on with his baby. Peter dropped me back off at my flat and we parted ways, not much was said on the way back, but I could see his excitement about the baby about to bubble over. I kept to myself for the night, watching terrible TV to try and distract my mind, ordering a takeaway, and anxiously waiting by my phone for any information from Nick. I did send him a text just to let him know what I knew and that I was there for him.

'Hi, Chelle told me that you and Erica are at the hospital, let me know if you need anything. XX'

He did need me. That's why this morning I was waking up with his arm around my waist and his head on my shoulder as I felt his breath in my ear every time he snored. When I heard a quiet knock on my door last night, I thought I was imagining it, it was so quiet, but I checked it out just in case, through the peephole I could see a dishevelled Nick and didn't hesitate to swing open the door for him. His suit was crumpled, his hair a state, and bags were already forming under his eyes, he looked miserable, my fears were confirmed as he fell into my arms. There weren't any tears, but I knew that didn't mean there hadn't been any crying before and my heartfelt tight, it was bad, really bad. In fact, he said one thing to me the whole of last night, but nothing else really needed to be said.

"It's gone, my baby, it's gone."

It had just turned nine, but it felt right to have an early night, even if it was a Friday, he needed the rest and I wanted to comfort him the best way I knew how, the way he did for me, holding each other.

"Come on, let's go lay down in bed."

I took his hand in mine and walked him into my room as we stripped of the necessary clothing and climbed into my bed under the covers in complete silence. We found our way into each other's arms, and it felt safe, I only hoped he felt the same way, he was being comforted as I wanted to do the best for him. Nick was asleep in minutes, obviously being exhausted by the events of the day and the emotional distress it had caused him, it took me a while longer as I thought about unfair life was sometimes. Nick and I were finally in a good place together, both of us having a baby with someone else but loving one another all the same, how was I supposed to comfort him as I carried on with my pregnancy after his had been ripped away from him? Would it be too much to be around me so soon after his loss? I knew I wasn't ready to lose him, but I knew how hard it would be for him and I desperately didn't want to put him through that pain.

Untangling myself from his limbs, I stood to stretch out my aching body as I took another long glance at Nick, fast asleep in my bed and most importantly, content, experiencing no heartache right now. After realising how creepy it would be if he woke up and caught me, I moved to the kitchen and started up my coffee machine to help wake me up, even if there wasn't a reason to get up right now. Checking that I was still in fact alone, I moved over to my bag quickly, with a spring in my step, and placed it on the island as I rummaged around until I found my picture, my scan. I couldn't help but smile at the monochromatic picture, my baby, I felt almost guilty for finding so much happiness in this picture after what Nick and Erica had been through, but I couldn't stop looking at it. All these questions appeared in my head, wondering who they would look like, what they would like to do, what colour hair they would have, and my mind told me that if I stared long enough the answers would come eventually.

I must have in my own head for too long and too deeply as Nick was behind me, looking at my picture over my shoulder, only alerting me to his presence with a statement.

"Is that your baby then?"

As if being caught with cigarettes in school, I jumped and tried to shove it in my bag as if it would destroy the fact that I had already been caught red-handed. His voice was monotone which didn't help me in trying to work out his mood, I had to turn around, but his face didn't give anything away either. He was stone-faced, refreshed but I could still see the sadness behind his eyes and the guilt at my own pregnancy grew more. I had no choice but to answer him, give him as little as possible until I figured out where his head was at, what he was thinking so that I didn't make it worse.

"Yeah…"

"Can I see it?"

Should I agree or fight him, telling him that I didn't think that was a good idea? I always hated when people did that to me as I knew what I could and couldn't handle, so I extended that courtesy to Nick. My hand retrieved the ultrasound picture that I shoved in my bag and slowly with hesitance, I handed the picture to Nick, waiting for a reaction from him, any indication so I knew what to do next. Instead, he stared at the picture with a sad smile, his thumb stroke across the paper where the baby was, when he looked back up at me, his eyes were glassy, and I found myself pulling him in for a hug without thinking as it was a natural reaction.

"Nick, I am so sorry."

"Me too."

We were silent, just finding comfort from each other, being with one another so that the other knew that they weren't alone, it was the most comforting thing I had had in a while. It was Nick who pulled back first and extended his arm out to me to return my sonogram, I took it with a small smile and placed it on the kitchen side, not wanting to hide it anymore. He moved around the island, to one of the stools and sat down, waiting for me to join him, which I did.

"It was just a shock you know?"

"Yeah, I'm so sorry."

"I know, it's just hard right now, I just don't know what I should be feeling…"

"I went through this too as well Nick, so remember I know some of what you are feeling, I'm always going to be here for you."

"Oh my God, I totally forgot, if this is too hard for you, don't be scared to just kick me out or – "

"Nick, it's fine, I'm ok. How's Erica? – sorry, stupid question."

"Just, you know. In shock mostly, sad, grieving, I don't know, I feel like I should check on her."

My heart swelled at the confused and dazed look in his eyes as he tried to figure out the situation, he was debating about offering comfort to someone else and I couldn't help but love that about him. My hand reached for his, causing him to smile.

"If you want to, go and see how she is, be there for her, she might need a friend or she might tell you to get lost, you don't know until you try."

"Are you sure?"

I could tell by the tone of his voice that he wanted to visit her at it almost felt like he was asking me permission, I tried to shrug of that random thought and focus on him.

"Yeah, go. You go get dressed, I'm going for a shower as I should probably go and find Michelle before she sends a search party."

"Ok, love you."

There it was again, 'love you', had I said them back yet? He said the words with a soft kiss to the head and he moved to my bedroom, probably to get dressed in yesterday's clothes before returning to his flat and redressing. I dazedly walked into the bathroom and started the shower as I considered whether I had actually told Nick that I loved him, whether he had heard those words from my mouth about him. It felt like I had said it, but I couldn't remember ever saying them. I vaguely heard the front door shut as I washed the conditioner out of my hair and I continued to think, I knew how I felt about Nick, but I never told him and tried to promise myself that I would next time I saw him.

It was about twelve by the time I had finally gotten myself together and left the flat, walking over to the pub in search of my best friend. She was behind the bar and sent me a sad smile as she saw me, I knew it wasn't meant for me but rather Nick and Erica, news travels terribly fast around here. By the time I reached the bar, her hand was out waiting for mine in an effort to comfort and as much as I cared about Nick and felt his pain, I didn't need comforting. I pulled my hand away from hers and she took that as a hint to get us two soft drinks, by the time she came back though, I slipped something into her hand and watched her face light up. Her smile was huge and her eyes wide before she remembered where she was and tried to stifle it, failing miserably, as she slipped the picture back to me, her smile continuing to grow no matter how much she tried not to.

"So that is… er… well you know."

"Yep, perfectly fine, all good, just good really."

"Oh my God Car, I'm so happy for you."

Not being able to hold in her joy anymore, she came round to give me a tight squeeze and a big kiss on the cheek as we celebrated together, the whole experience just felt more real now, it felt like it was really happening. Us hugging wasn't out of the normal, but as we separated, Michelle's eyes darted around and straightened out her clothes as she coughed, going back behind the bar, and sipping her drink, probably to try and hide her smile. A new thought must have entered her head as she suddenly looked very sombre and sad for me.

"How's erm…. How's Nick doing? How is he taking this?"

Her hands signalled towards the picture that I was returning to my bag, and I took that moment to really think over my answer, did I even know the answer to that question?

"He's upset, what you would expect really, he wanted to see how Erica was, he looked at my picture, but I don't know, I don't know how I'm supposed to be there for him."

I put my hand back on the bar as now I needed the comfort, now it felt really hard, and she was quick enough to catch my hand in hers for the comfort I was seeking.

"Just be there babe, you've been through it, you know-how horrible it is, how hard it can get, just be you."

Her words were beautiful, I wanted to believe them but being me just didn't feel like enough right now, it felt like I needed to be so much more as I barely got through my own miscarriage. Instead of burdening Michelle with all this self-doubt, I just smiled and let her walk away to serve other customers. Whilst she was busy, I took the opportunity to pop outside, to get some fresh air and hopefully clear my head so that I could think a little clearer. When I got out there, I was met with Peter smoking, well it was the smoking area, we both raised our eyebrows at each other, clearly surprised at running into one another.

"What are you doing out here? Oh shit – "

He looked panicked as he quickly stubbed out his cigarette, confusing me for a minute until I realised that it was because I had joined him, he got rid of his cigarette because I was pregnant. I tried my best to stifle a smile at that, even if it did make me really want to smile at him.

"Just needed some fresh air. You?"

"Oh me? Just needed to get some air too, my family can be… well… a lot."

We both laughed at that statement, knowing what an understatement that was.

"That was my third cigarette actually."

It was nice just to have a normal conversation with him, something simple, nothing deep or about the baby or our night, just casual conversation. He shuffled to a bench and patted the seat next to him for me to join him, which I did. We sat in comfortable silence until Peter spoke up, taking our talk somewhere completely different.

"What happened with Nick and Erica? Is everything ok?"

"No, he… they lost the baby."

"Oh, that's… I wouldn't wish that on anyone, we both know how painful that is."

It was another thing that connected us, our shared loss over our little girl, all I could do was nod at his statement, not knowing what else to say. It was a horrible experience that we both went through separately instead of together, hopefully, with Nick not going through this alone would give him some form of comfort even if it were small. What else could I do? Losing a baby was hard and although I went through the same thing, I don't know how he's feeling, I don't know what is going on in his head, we are in completely different situations, for one thing, he now has a pregnant girlfriend that is a constant reminder of what he lost. Luckily, to keep me from spiralling any further, Peter began to talk again, dragging me out of my own negative thoughts.

"So, I heard Sally quit the factory yesterday, you must be throwing a party."

It was said in jest as we both knew what a committed worker she was, how much she helped, she could just be extremely annoying and bothersome.

"Yeah, she's moving on to bigger and better things."

"We'll have to keep an eye out then aye?"

This next thing, I don't know why I said it, I don't know what compelled me, I really don't know why on earth I said it but I couldn't take it back.

"Yeah, I need a new co-pilot, so if you know anyone that knows how to work in the factory, and who knows how to work with me, let me know."

It was clearly hinted at him, and I didn't have to look to know that I had shocked him, words could never be taken back. He was a good partner to have in the factory, he was experienced and most importantly, he knew how to handle me. The real reason I was asking though was that I really didn't want to break my promise to a certain curly-haired boy, I needed to do it for him. Chelle and Nick were going to kill me if he accepted, a part of me hoped he would politely decline, a smaller part hoped that he wouldn't.

"I mean, I would say me but it probably wouldn't be the best as when you go on maternity leave, I would be entitled to paternity leave…"

He's saying no. I don't know how to feel. He had a point though that I didn't think through, I would need someone to help when I went on maternity and he wouldn't be the best choice as like he said, he would also have time off. It really wasn't the best idea to have your baby daddy as your maternity cover.

"But you know what? Go on then, I do need a job, and like I told you, I have missed the factory."

Well…ok then.

"So when would you like me to start?"

"Oh, I haven't really thought that far ahead, whenever you like I guess, you already know the ropes, so to speak."

"Great, honestly Carla, thank you so much."

He pulled me into a hug, and I was a bit too shocked to move at first, slowly though, my hands found their way to his back to return the hug and as we pulled away, a new voice joined us.

"Hey, what's going on?"

Nick was standing at the doorway of the pub, blocking the way back in from the smoker's area, he didn't look any better from earlier which hurt to see. Then I realised what he had just seen, Nick didn't know we were friendly now, he definitely didn't know that I was carrying Peter's baby, to him we were just ex-husband and wife. Peter was the first to react.

"I should probably get going, I'll text you. I need to tell Simon; he's going to be really happy."

With that, he left out the back gate and left me alone with my boyfriend, who was still waiting for an answer from me.

"I offered him a job at the factory."

"Carla! Are you serious? He – "

"With Sally quitting and me being… you know. I promised Simon that if a job came up, I would offer it to Peter."

"Carla, you know what he's like – "

"I do, he is a liar and a cheater, but he also has a great relationship with buyers and knows what he is doing, trust me."

"Ok."

Predictably, life has started to get in the way of writing but I am actually doing a desk makeover (kind of) so that I can write somewhere other than my bed so I can hopefully find more time and stop getting distracted. Hope you enjoyed this chapter, I loved reading your thoughts and ideas.