Peter's words were in my head the whole weekend, demanding that I confess to Nick the paternity of our baby to him. It kept me from sleeping, it kept me alert like Peter was hiding round the corner like the bogeyman to jump out and spill all my secrets. Nick had been with me throughout the whole weekend, and I still couldn't find the words to confess, I couldn't find strength within me to tell him the truth that he deserved to know, he deserved to hear it from me, not Peter. Working to an unknown deadline was difficult, working with demands was impossible and I found myself pulling away from Nick over the days just to settle my guilt.

Putting distance between us didn't work because I wanted to hold his hand, I wanted to lay in his arms as we watched TV, I wanted to kiss him and be close which made pulling away nearly impossible. It was going to be impossible for Nick not to notice my absence in his hand, in his presence, I had no other choice though. I was alone as I didn't want to put this weight on Michelle because I knew that she would say 'I told you so' but her wedding was literally this week, she already had enough stress.

Peter was late for work today, ten minutes past starting time had already passed I wasn't complaining about his absence. I had practically avoided leaving my flat to avoid seeing him since he made his demands clear, I was still furious. Today was the first time I would see him since then, but I hoped him being late was an indicator that he wasn't coming in and maybe he was even done with this job. I still couldn't believe the audacity he had to make the demand, to try and control me after everything I had done for him.

Sadly though, my hopes were dashed as he came rushing in like a tornado, looking like he had been in one as well. He didn't say anything, no apology, no explanation and maybe I was being petty or still fuelled with anger, I bit out to him.

"You're late."

"I know, I'm sorry – "

"You need to let people know if you are not coming in and something needs to be seriously wrong if you are late and I still want to be told."

He hung his head at the harshness of my tone, the dismissal in my voice, and apologised quietly under his breath as he tried to get on with work. Something was off about him, something weak, almost pathetic like a puppy that had just been kicked. It reminded me of when he got out of prison and was begging for me back when his whole persona crashed when Io still refused, and I couldn't look at him anymore with those memories triggered.

"Alya, I'm checking the stock, let me know if anyone rings."

It was completely ignoring Peter, but I was in no mood to play nice with him after Friday and whatever act he was now performing. Time was slow as I filled out my clipboard, but it was better than being stuck in that office with him. As I was deep in silk, my phone rang and finally gave me something else to do, it was Nick. My heart was in my mouth as I answered.

"Hiya."

"Hi Carla, can you spare some time to meet me at the Bistro, we need to talk, don't you think so?"

Shit. Peter was late because he was too busy telling my boyfriend that he was in fact the dad to the baby I was carrying. Something I didn't predict was that Nick sounded upset, not angry, his words carried so much emotional distress and I honestly felt horrible. My voice was quiet and guilty as I replied.

"Yes, we do – "

"I know you're probably not free until lunch, but I was hoping – "

"I'll be there in a minute."

"Oh, ok"

"Bye Nick."

Why keep him waiting after everything I had put him through? I made my way back to the office and grabbed my bag, glaring at Peter as I made my excuses to Alya.

"I need to pop out, keep an eye on things."

My head was held high as I tried to find strength, I didn't have to carry me to the Bistro, to not let me crumble from my own web of lies that had been exposed. I almost fell when I entered the business and saw how miserable he looked, he was sitting by himself with two drinks on the table, one obviously intended for me as he continued to look down at the table. I made my way over slowly and he surprisingly gave me a sorrowful smile as I sat to join him, which I returned. Neither of us spoke for a few minutes, letting the air around us settle and until one of us was strong enough to speak. Like I knew he would, Nick broke the silence, being the stronger out of us.

"This between us has been amazing right?"

What a weird way to start after what he had found out but with how long I had kept my secret, hurting him, he deserved the decency of me to listen to everything.

"Yes, of course, Nick – "

"I never thought we would be so great together, that I could feel the way I do. Did you?"

"It has definitely been better than I ever imagined."

"And I get it you know, I don't blame you, I would never blame you."

He should though, he should hate me, be screaming at me, despising me, and screaming that he never wanted to see me again, not trying to make me feel better. The guilt was only growing as if he was reacting so calmly, why didn't I just confess in the first place?

"Nick – "

"Carla, you know I love you and I know you probably didn't want to say anything because I was grieving for my baby but I'm ok."

I mean, I didn't tell him because I thought he would hate me, in all honesty, it had nothing to do with Erica's miscarriage, but before I could reply, Nick continued.

"So, if you want to break up with me, I understand, you shouldn't have to keep doing something you don't want to."

What? Wait a minute.

"What? I don't want to break up, you want to break up with me?"

"No, you want to break up with me."

"No, I don't – we are going round in circles. Why would you think I want to break up?"

"Come on Carla, you have been pulling away from me all weekend, not wanting to touch me, looking miserable if I tell you, I love you. We are both adults, I understand if you don't want to be in a relationship with me."

How on earth had he come to that conclusion? Well, I guess I know how but I never thought he would interpret my guilt as losing interest, I never did the right thing. Life was always against me, he had no idea about Peter and I had done this to myself, due to Peter's words so I could still technically blame him. With that thought, my anger against my ex-husband grew, but I needed to focus on now, I needed to put my attention on Nick.

"Nick, I love you, I don't want to end it unless you don't want me anymore."

Did I just? Did I just tell him that I loved him? Finally, the words had been said and I was surprised how easily they came, how easy it was to say it. By the beaming smile on Nick's face, I should have said it a whole lot sooner for this reaction, the mood and atmosphere had just been flipped.

"You love me?"

"Yes, of course, I do, I didn't mean to hurt you this weekend – "

"No, no, I get it, you were realising how you felt, and I was too stupid to see you were pulling away because you didn't know what to think."

I was? I mean, no I wasn't, and after worrying that I had hurt him by not telling him the truth and keeping secrets, I should come clean right now.

Obviously, I didn't though, I let the secrets grow, and I and let myself be pulled into a tight hug as Nick poured all of his emotions through his body and I just let it happen. As many people in my past always told me, I never learned, I will always keep making the same mistakes over and over. As Nick pulled back, all the weight he had been carrying had disappeared and he looked a lot lighter, happier, it made me feel good too, even if I didn't deserve to.

"I'm sorry for asking you to leave work just because I was being insecure, I thought you were pulling away because you liked Peter again or something. I know I can get in my own head sometimes."

"No, I was pulling away, this is all on me."

My chest was tight, my guilt growing every second we sat there, so I tried desperately to try and change the conversation topic. Luckily, he was eager too for a change in discussion as we talked about nothing important, just enjoying each other's time as I hadn't allowed us to this past weekend. We had only been chatting for about ten minutes more before my phone rang and Alya's name was flashing on the screen.

"What's wrong Alya?"

"Sorry Mrs. Connor, but erm…"

"Spit it out."

"Peter got into a fight with… I think it was a client on the phone, he stormed out, I thought you should know – "

"I'll be right there, send the girls to an early lunch and get off yourself too."

I knew Peter, I knew his moods, I knew that it would be best for him to have no one else there so he didn't feel watched, he didn't feel threatened. It also helped me so that others didn't hear whatever he was going to scream at me, we both needed the empty space to get everything out. Nick was staring at me and waiting for an explanation as I grabbed my things.

"Sorry, I need to get going, Peter is throwing a tantrum."

"What? Do you need me to come with – "

"No, I'll be fine, I'll see you after work."

I gave him a quick kiss and left, it would drive Peter even more insane if I brought Nick in for backup, no I needed to do this alone. As I was walking to the factory, I passed the machinists as they left all excited for an early lunch as I needed to deal with Peter. I hired him against everyone's wishes, he was my problem to deal with.

Peter was easy to find, I could hear him pacing and just followed the sound to the packing area, he was there looking frustrated, confused, and distressed. Sadly, I didn't have the energy or care right now to attack this softly, I wanted to attack this head-on, get to the issue, and then go and have some food.

"What has happened, I leave for a bit and then I get a call from Alya that you argued with a client, I come back to find you pacing in a tantrum. What the hell?"

He looked at me shocked and startled, he stopped pacing, and then when I got a good look at his face, I noticed his red eyes, an indicator that he had been crying. Even if it felt stupid of me, I felt my anger start to crumble at his fragile state.

"I'm sorry."

An apology? That was it, I was expecting a screaming match, insults hurling back and forth, an argument that would compare to the ones we used to have but this, I wasn't expecting an apology.

"Peter – "

"I'm sorry, ok, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled down the phone, I was just angry, with everything going on – "

Ok, so the anger grew with that, it was confusing as one minute I was calm and pitying him and then the next I was furious at what he said and wanted to kill him.

"I don't care if you are angry, you don't get to hurt my business just because your emotions were a little high, control them. What on earth – "

"You weren't here, you keep pushing and pushing, you – "

Now we were having the screaming match I thought we were going to have; I was glad I had chosen to and everyone away as this was getting heated quickly.

"Me pushing you. All you did was push me, that little demand the other day, what the hell was that?"

"Carla, you don't understand this is my baby too and – "

"Understand? Me? Yes, this may be your baby but so was the baby I lost. You know the baby I was supposed to look after but instead, I had to look after you, clothed you, solved your problems, fixed your life, and what was left for me and my baby? Nothing, we were left with nothing, you gave me nothing, she had nothing. This baby is your second chance so what right do you have to try and screw it up again and blame me?"

"Carla… I'm – I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I get it."

We were both shaken from what I said but none of it was a lie, I only told the truth and got out everything I had been bottling in. My life had never been the same since I lost my little girl and I had had a lot of time to think about everything to analyse everything I thought I did wrong. I couldn't help but feel angry about Peter and the way he handled the situation, what he put me through and made me suffer through. Was it the nicest thing for me to say? No. Especially with his face crumbling the way it did with every word I said, he listened and reacted to everything feeling it the way I had been for a while, it wasn't fair, but it felt good to have it off my chest and right now, I needed to do what was best for me.

"Carla, I'm sorry."

We were both calm now, both of us breathing heavily, finally resting and coming down from the shouting, enough having been said already. I let my back touch the wall as I slid down to sit on the floor, Peter then followed through and sat on the floor with me. Finally, our defences were down, and we could really get to the real issue, finally get to the root of whatever issue he had.

"Peter, what the hell is going on?"

"I lost it."

"Yeah, I get that – "

"No, I mean I lost the sonogram, the picture, it's gone, and it threw me, I just needed it and it drove me insane not having it."

Something so small set off so many actions and I knew how much it destroyed him misplacing that object just by the look on his face. A small part of me thought about offering up mine to solve the situation and maybe I was being selfish, but I hadn't lost my photo and I didn't want to give up mine.

"Peter – "

"I carried it in my pocket all day every day, looking at it now and then just because I could. I know should have put it somewhere safe but when I got up this morning and went to put it in my pocket, it wasn't there, it was gone, that's why I was late, that's why my head has been all over the place."

It made sense, he looked distraught when he walked in, and now, I knew everything, my heartfelt for him. I was still annoyed but no longer mad, angry enough to kill him like I felt this morning. Something that was keeping him sane had suddenly disappeared and I could empathise with him, I understood what he was going through.

"Peter, I know – "

"I was trying to 'accidentally' bump into you this weekend, apologise for what I said on Friday, I shouldn't have demanded you tell Nick I was just feeling fragile, it wasn't fair."

Finally, I felt like we were starting to be back on the same page, understanding each other and being fair to the other. Peter finally looked back up at me as we met each other's gaze, we were finally getting somewhere, and I could mentally relax.

"I shouldn't have said what I said, I shouldn't have done what I did. You were right you know?"

"About what?"

"About me not being there for you when you were pregnant the first time, I wasn't. I need to be now, I am going to be better and maybe I intended to, so when Nick pushed me away, it triggered that, hurt my feelings, but I would be doing the opposite of looking after you if I took my hurt and frustration out on you."

He had a point, he stood up and walked over to me offering me his hand to help me up and off of the floor.

"How about we just try and forget the past few days happened and we try to move on, and you apologise to whoever you chewed out and be better at your job."

He shook his head at my idea and voiced his own.

"No, it did happen, I messed up. We remember what happened and I learn from it, I grow, be the dad and parental partner you deserve, and we move on. We keep going, you being you and I will get better, I will be better for you and most importantly, the baby."

The upcoming chapters will be a little more drama-filled and not as light and fluffy I intended this story to be, I'm at peace with the fact that I write drama and angst.