"I'll tell you. Everyone, I would like to be the first to announce that Peter Barlow is about to be a father again to Carla Connor's baby because it was such a good idea the first time."

Then throwing the picture at me, he was out the door after his announcement and everyone's eyes were on me.

My hand protectively fell to my stomach as everyone had their eyes on me and Peter, judging and questioning my life and my decisions. This was the worst way for my news to come out, not only did my boyfriend find out and was obviously upset but now the whole street knew. One of my mistakes was out there without my consent and it was out of my control, it had been taken away from me. Peter was also looking sheepish as eyes were on him too and judging his life as much, well slightly less as him. At the end of the day, he cheated but he was upfront about wanting me back after the affair, I was the idiot who slept and got pregnant from her cheating ex-husband.

Not willing to feel the eyes on me anymore and needing to comfort Nick and see where his head was at, I all but ran out of the door and scoured the street looking to see what direction Nick had gone in. It wasn't hard to spot him as most of the street was empty, most people were in the pub previously celebrating the wedding. His sadness was obvious even from so far away and crushed me a little more with every step I took to get to him. When he caught sight of me though, I was met with a look filled with anger and I feared it was hatred as well fuelling his scowl on his face.

"Nick – "

"Don't Carla."

"But Nick – "

"What? What are you going to say? That scan wasn't the same as yours? I have seen your scan nearly every day, it is framed at your place, I know they are the same picture."

He was angry, practically spitting his words at me as his face twisted and turned red to try and keep at bay some of the anger that was still in him. I shrunk back at the harshness of his words not knowing what to do as I had never been in this position with him before. With Peter, arguing was basically our second language but Nick and I never ended up in this situation, I was out of my element.

I still had anger for how he told my secret to everyone, how he exposed me in front of everyone, but it was no match for his anger. Sure, I understood that he was hurt and upset by my lies but to deal with it that way was incredibly harsh from a man that claimed to love me.

"Nick, I know that they are the same picture, I just wanted to explain – "

"Explain? Explain what? How you slept with your ex, gave him a job, and became best buds with him, hiding from me that he was the dad?"

"I know it seems bad – "

"Seems bad? You're pathetic Carla. After everything that man put you through, everything that you suffered because of him and you what? Just happily go strolling into his bed and get knocked up by him like…"

"Like what?"

We were bordering on the line of going too far and I was tempting him to cross that line, pushing him to admit what his thoughts were as they were consumed with anger. Nick stuttered, trying to hide his words but refused to back down to me, refused to give in to me wanting to have the upper hand.

"Like a slut."

The sound of my hand against his cheek felt like it echoed through the street, it definitely echoes in our relationship, and it was loud, it was defining. He couldn't believe my actions just like I couldn't believe his words, that he decided to speak to me like that. That was something I never thought he would say to me or think of me, he slut-shamed me for having a one-night stand when I knew he had had plenty in the past.

"How dare you? How dare you call me that? I slept with someone else before we were ever together, I should have told you that he was the baby's dad and I didn't, but don't you dare try and make this something that it's not."

Now we were both matched in anger, both of us glaring at each other and daring the other to speak, an invisible line had been crossed and now there was no going back. Our breaths matched as we continued staring, glaring at one another, neither of us knowing what was going to be said next.

"You told me you loved me."

"I do Nick."

"No, you don't, or you would have told me about your little secret".

He was still furious, and I was aware of his eyesight falling behind me, I guessed that we were getting an audience, it usually happened. We were the gossip on the street, and they needed to know what was going to happen, it was hypocritical of me to judge them when I have done the same. Instead of turning, I waited for more of Nick's argument. I was furious that he insulted me, belittled me for having a one-night stand with Peter but I still loved him, I wanted to fix it and not let him hurt anymore.

"I didn't tell you because I didn't know how to, you hate him, I don't blame you, but it was a tough thing for me to tell or Michelle, let alone you so – "

"Michelle? Michelle knew? Of course, she did, you tell her everything and me nothing like she's your partner and not me."

"She's my best friend Nick, she has been in my life forever, I needed help, I needed someone – "

"That should have been me."

Now I was more lost than when we started, was he upset. After all, I didn't tell him that the baby was Peter's or was, he upset because I didn't tell him first? It was weird to see him get so upset about Michelle, everyone on the street knew we were close, practically inseparable. Nick was aware of how deep my friendship with Michelle was and now suddenly he was in competition with her and taking it out on me. Nothing felt like it made sense anymore.

"Come on then Carla, who else knew?"

"Knew what?"

"Come on, don't play dumb. Who else knew you were carrying baby Barlow number two?"

The tone he was using was making me want to cry on the spot as it carried so much aggression and hatred, he spoke down to me like a child and like I was less than him. I hated it. My mind was trying to ignore his reference to this being my second baby with Peter as I hoped he meant that the first was Simon, in my heart I knew it was a dig at my baby. I believed Nick to be a better man than that to stoop that low, so I reasoned with myself that it was about Simon and tried my best to answer his question.

"No one Nick, just me, Michell, and Peter. I wanted to tell you but – "

"But you didn't."

What was there to say to that? It was the truth, I was a coward and always told myself that I would tell him eventually, tell him one day, tell him soon but that day was never going to come. My life was always going to turn out this way, I was always going to lose Nick when I wanted him the most, I never got everything I wanted. My life had a way of self-imploding and I Definity didn't help to avoid that.

This was why I didn't want to get in a relationship with him, this was why I didn't want to fall even further for him as I knew it would come to an end like this, I knew it would hurt. I tried to tell him before we got together, I tried to warn him and let him go but he was persistent, I should have tried harder.

"Nick, I tried to warn you before we got together, I tried."

"If you had tried a little harder, maybe we wouldn't be here aye? Maybe I wouldn't have wasted these past months falling for someone like you."

"Like me? what's that supposed to mean?"

He tripped over his words as I waited, terrified to hear what he now thought of me, what his vision of me had become but I needed to hear this. Nick wanted to say it he was just trying to find the right words that would cut deep, that would hurt me in the way only he could.

"You know exactly what I mean. A woman like you, looking down on everyone else like you are better than them but you are more broken than any of them. Holding your head high like you have the right to but we both know and most people on the street do, that with your past, not only should you hang your head in shame, but you shouldn't even be out."

This wasn't new, these were things I often thought but hearing them from the mouth of the man I loved hurt. Something in him realised that he hadn't gone as far as he wanted so he continued, he spared a glance behind me at the audience and knew that they could hear his words.

"A woman that pretended she was great because she left the love of her life after he cheated on her, she got her brother sent down first though. Only to then spread her legs for him a year later and let him do whatever he wanted because she's that weak. Then you actually decide to keep that baby, his baby, and pretend like everything is ok, you're pathetic."

I could almost see the triumph in his eyes as he realised how much his rant impacted me, I knew he would be upset and angry when he found out, but this was never something I thought he was even capable of. He is spitting my life back to me and laying my decisions out, shaming me and I couldn't stand it, tears were fighting in my eyes to escape but I refused. This wasn't the Nick I fell in love with, this wasn't the man I adored, and I hoped he would come back after seeing what he was doing to me, instead, he began to mumble.

"It isn't fair. It just isn't fair…"

"What isn't fair Nick?"

"IT! It isn't fair, when will you understand that?"

"I don't understand Nick, what isn't – "

"I lost my baby, my baby had to die but he gets to not only have a baby, a living healthy baby but one with you. I lose my chance at being a dad, but all of his dreams come true?"

Nick was still grieving, it didn't make me forget what had happened, but I was more understanding of what was driving him, his motives. Of course, he was still grieving his baby, all he had wanted was to be a dad and he lost that, he lost his child and he had just found out that the man he hated was getting to have a baby with me. My arm reached out to comfort him, to try and calm him so that he knew I understood, and we could talk in private, try to fix things but his next statement had me frozen.

"You really think with him baby number two will turn out any better than baby number one did?"

I thought we had crossed the line before this was a whole new line that he was flying across. Bringing up my miscarriage, my loss, and predicting that my baby will suffer the same fate. I was filled with fury and hurt as the tears came streaming down my face, he had exposed and confirmed one of my worst fears that I was going to lose this baby as well. The small audience must have also heard how far he went as the next thing I know; David Platt is in my eyesight and is trying to get Nick to go with him, sympathy in his eyes directed at me.

"Carla… I'm… erm…"

"Just go Nick."

The last I saw of his face, there was no more anger just shock, I guess at his own actions and sadness, I didn't care though. I stood on the spot, frozen at the whole situation, not knowing how to move or think clearly, just letting the tears roll down my face silently. It wasn't long before the only person on the street who probably had a tiny bit of care for me came over to see if I was ok instead of wanting gossip. Peter stood next to me, his eyes on the audience, glaring, with a hand on my arm and whispering to me so that no one could hear.

"Let's get you home, yeah?"

"Ok."

I let him move me, by the time I had turned around, the group I suspected was there had dispersed but I could still feel their eyes on me. Nick had gone back to his mom's so there wasn't any chance of me bumping into him as I walked to my flat and let me and Peter in. Being British, Peter rushed over to the kettle to make tea as that is how we solve everything. With Peter no longer guiding me, I just stayed frozen, in place looking around trying to determine how this morning had turned into this. Earlier I and Nick were struggling to part, wanting, no, needing, to touch all the time and loving each other, now I didn't want to see his face ever again after what he said.

"Why don't you sit down?"

"Ok."

I sounded lost even to me when I spoke, moving like a zombie, in a daze to my own sofa to sit, waiting for a cup of tea that I no longer wanted. Michelle wasn't an option right now, I had to put up with Peter and his tea, I had to find my own way out of the mess I made.

The tea was placed in front of me on the coffee table and an anxious Peter sat next to me on the edge of his seat, thinking of what to say.

"I am sorry that it happened like that, I didn't know Tracy had it and – "

"– at least you have it back now. You do have it back, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, in my pocket."

At least was kind to someone, hopefully, our baby would get his luck in life instead of mine. Everything felt heavy right now, light as well, it felt like darkness yet light at the same time, like I was lost in a forest and on an open road, nothing made sense. Here I was being comforted by the man who cheated on me after the man I loved berated me in front of the street and mentioned my baby.

Right in front of my eyes, Nick had become someone I didn't recognise, and it scared me, did I do these things? Did I turn men to be like that?

I wanted to be alone, I wanted to curl up in bed and cry until I couldn't anymore, I wanted to fall asleep in the dark by myself and let the night take me away, I wanted to be alone. Peter was still here though; he was still waiting for me to break in front of him so that he could put me back together. So instead, I took the cup of tea from the table and let the hot liquid scold my mouth as I drank it far too quickly. The cup was returned to its previous spot, and I stood up hoping that he would understand I had sped up whatever kind of visit this was, he knew what I was hinting, he just didn't move.

"Carla – "

"Peter, I am fine, I will be fine, I just want some time on my own, I need some time on my own to let everything that just happened process in my head. Please."

Hesitantly, he stood and nodded, coming over to hug me even if I didn't respond, he touched the tops of both of my arms as he spoke.

"I know it's not an excuse, but he is grieving, he didn't mean it. Be angry at him, make him apologise, and beg but I know there's still hope for you two."

He didn't want to be the reason we were breaking up; Peter didn't want to be the one at fault for messing up my life and for once it wasn't him, it was me and Nick. Although I never thought this day would come, it has, the day Peter would be defending Nick and I wouldn't.

"No Peter, there isn't. Bye. Try not to lose anything else."

Then, just like that, I was alone, just like I wanted but now it felt so much more, s much bigger and colder. I wormed my way into bed and just lay there under my quilt, staring up at the ceiling hoping for a big thought or anything really but it didn't, I just felt pain. Just like I wanted and predicted, I let myself cry now that no one could see and that is exactly how I fell asleep.

thank you for all the reviews and support, I know Nick has flipped but I wanted to express his emotions of grief and hurt, I will explore this more in the upcoming chapters.