Time was going by faster than I could have ever imagined, and I was secretly hoping that it would slow down, just for a bit so I could enjoy the connection me and my little boy had a bit longer before he was shared with the rest of the world. Every day I felt like I was growing, my belly inflating every day and it was becoming more of a struggle to not waddle when walking down the street. Hardly anything fit and although I had some maternity clothes that I ordered a while back, I felt like I needed a bigger size. If I was being honest, for once in my life, I wasn't stressing about what I was eating or trying to keep my figure, I was just enjoying food and giving in to whatever cravings I wanted. I could never imagine doing this again, being pregnant, so why not enjoy it as much as I could, I deserved to do what I want when I was kept up most nights with kicks to the ribs.

Needless to say, after Peter's confession of romantic interest in me, the atmosphere had been weird, but I felt like the baby fog that had surrounded the office was lifting. I was starting to see things a little bit more clearly, especially with the knowledge of Peter's confessions. The conversations with Alya did remind me of him talking with someone else from his life, not Tina though, Simon. The way Peter talked with Alya and laughed at her jokes was definitely more paternally than romantic, her jokes weren't funny, just like Simon's weren't but he gave them a laugh for encouragement and support. It was weird that I was so blinded before to not make the proper connection and I almost felt bad for judging them. If I had stopped watching the girl so closely and looked at the bigger picture, I would have noticed that she was doing her job better and she was doing things in a similar way to Peter as he had taught her that way.

The looks Peter was giving me weren't just concern or judgement, I realised that he just looked at me sometimes, not even realising that his eyes had wandered to me. Constantly offering me tea and food was not belittling but rather him trying to show that he cared. Did his confession come at a good time? No, but when would be a good time? I guess at the end of the day, I was grateful that he did come clean and clear up my misunderstandings as now I felt less on edge, clearer-headed which is something I hadn't been in a while.

"You almost ready Car?"

"Yeah, give me a minute Chelle."

She was growing impatient sitting in my living room, I didn't blame her, we had intended to leave nearly twenty minutes ago but I felt like changing my top again, feeling like it made me look bloated as well as pregnant. It was the dreaded Saturday shopping trip, although I was looking forward to it, waking up this morning, I took one look at my swollen feet and was immediately turned off the idea. Michelle never took no for an answer though and showed up with drinks from Roy's.

"Come on Carla."

"Ok, jeez."

Stepping out of my bedroom, I let her eyes glance over me as I knew how I looked but she said nothing, she said she didn't notice anything when I was wearing the other top, so I wasn't really surprised. Instead, she looked eager and quickly stood up from yam bar stools and made her way to the front door for us both to finally leave. What did she expect? My body just wasn't like anything I had been before and it was hard dressing for this new body and feeling comfortable, even if I was happy with why my body was changing. As if noticing my deteriorating mood, Chelle stepped in to make conversation as we walked towards her car down by the Rovers.

"Come on, we could go to that Italian place you like for lunch, get a few shops done, eat to refuel, and burn our bank cards a little more afterwards…"

"Yeah, I guess."

"You're acting like I am torturing you, taking you shopping. Do I need to remind you that it was you who asked me?"

"Yeah, I know."

"If I remember correctly, you came into the pub in tears, begging 'Chelle please take me shopping to help me buy some more maternity clothes and baby stuff, because I don't know what I am doing and you are so wise, you know everything'."

"No, I did not, I just asked you if you wanted to come."

"We both remember it differently, lets agree to disagree."

She was winding me up and it did actually help to cheer me up just having fun and light banter, my goal today was to just forget about everything and have a nice time. No more thinking of Peter, or Alya, or even work. I and this little boy were the sole focus of the day and having a nice time with my best friend. My life was going to change after my son was born and I guess I just needed to try and enjoy things right now as I'm not sure what will actually change yet. We were in the car for about twenty minutes, driving into town and I tried to not think of anything as I stared out of the window, but I couldn't help it. Peter was on my mind.

He still liked me, he wanted to be in a relationship with me and although I didn't want anything right now – which he respected – I couldn't help but think, what if? Peter and I were always going to be car crashes, sure together we were a pile-up but a part, and with others, we were still crashing their lives into disaster. A part of me hoped that my feelings towards his confession were a result of my pregnancy hormones but a part of me also knew that that wasn't the case. Peter had been like a virus to me since I had first made the connection with him and I never fully treated it when we were apart, so of course it would keep coming back because I know a part of me never wanted it to leave.

"So where did you want to go first"

"What?"

"Shopping. What shops do you want to go to first?"

Without even realising, we had parked up at the carpark and I had broken the one rule I had made myself, not to think about Peter. It was hard though, how could I not think about that man? At one point in my life, he had been my everything, my world started and ended with him, even if he didn't. My mind couldn't help but be consumed with thoughts of him after his confession, more importantly, I wanted to think about it.

My hand was carrying a plastic bag of maternity clothes that we managed to pick up, it was just the basics that I needed again to fit me and my belly, but it was necessary. Chelle was definitely more excited about the baby clothes as she rushed, dragging me to the nearest shop that stocked baby gear. She raced over to the bright blue section, but I couldn't follow her, my feet just stopped at the entrance as I took in what I saw right in front of me.

Pink.

Little things for little girls, bows, and dresses and everything I never got to buy for her, everything she never got to have. I was close to tears as my mind relieved the pain and agony of losing my little girl, losing my baby that I would have in my arms right now, how different my life would have been. Just as my look would have it, coincidentally a young couple moved into my eyesight, among the glittery skirts and dresses carrying a beautiful little baby. Her hair was dark, and her smile was beautiful, I needed to get away, I couldn't look at the little girl that could have been mine. My heart hurt.

Michelle hadn't noticed my absence as when she saw me, she excitedly held up tiny dungarees, practically shouting how cute they were. As much as she would understand, she would want to help, I couldn't tell her about my guilt, I couldn't tell her how I felt, there was one person I could tell though, Peter. He knew as much as I did and experienced everything with me.

"You don't want to get too many newborn clothes as by the look of you, he isn't going to be small…"

"Hey!"

She did have a point.

It wasn't long before we were sitting in a little café that wasn't too packed as we waited for our sandwich order as we sipped on our drinks. Both of our arms were filled with clothes and things for my son, neither wanted to trek all the way to a restaurant, so we settled on the first place we saw. Today was something I definitely needed, and it was the best idea to do it with my best friend, even if it were terrifying to see how small the clothes were, which meant he would be that small. How was I supposed to not break him?

"You've been quiet today."

"Have I?"

"Yeah… what's in that head of yours?"

So much, too much. How was I supposed to tell her that without having a full breakdown in the middle of the café? Did I open up about my little girl? Should I even bother to tell her about Peter's confession from the other day when I know what her thoughts on him were? Did I tell her about the other one million things that were going through my head constantly, keeping me stressed all the time? Like apple bobbing, I picked one a random and held it up for her inspection.

"I was just thinking about something Peter asked me…"

"Oh no, what was it?"

"No, it's nothing bad, he was just wondering what the last name the baby was going to have, mine or his."

Before she could open her mouth with the first thing that popped in, she was stopped and made to think first as the waiter came over and delivered our food order. Luckily, she took this moment to actually arrange her thoughts as he fiddled with her food before talking and it gave me a chance to sneak a bite after working up an appetite.

"Well… what do you think?"

That… that wasn't what I was expecting.

"Honestly? I don't know, Connor means a lot, but it means a lot to me just because of the change that happened when my name changed, it's something special to me but not my son. It's hard to explain."

"No, I think I get it. You got that name as you got out of that past life, you became the new Carla and that was a part of it. Connor means something to you but you're not sure it will mean the same to him."

"… Yeah. I mean, technically, I've only just become a Connor again from Barlow."

She snickered at my remark and finally began eating, not making me feel so guilty for eating alone as nearly half of my sandwich was gone by now.

"It may be biased but I prefer Connor."

"It's just… being a Barlow means something to me too, Ken and Si are proud men, both Barlow, both having their own legacy that he could continue through the name. My legacy isn't my name though, it's the factory and that's what I could give him."

"You want Peter to feel happy that he passed something on to his son, but you shouldn't be thinking about him. Think about yourself, be selfish, he was when he had it off with Tina."

Just like always, mentioning that name, the conversation died, and we both focused our attention on the food. Michelle's words floated around in my head as I considered each one carefully, the truth was though, I didn't want to be selfish, I didn't want to keep fighting Peter. He wasn't the same man that did those things to me, he has changed and so have I, I couldn't hold these things over his head if we were going to be successful parents.

"Right, I'm just going to nip to the loo, then should we get going?"

"Yeah, sounds good Chelle."

Without thinking, I pulled my phone out and sent a text to Peter asking him to meet me in about twenty minutes for when I got home. I asked him to wait inside and that I just needed to talk to him without Michelle knowing, even if I didn't add that last part, he didn't need to know.

"Let's get going then."

We were home and as much as she offered, I declined Michelle's offers of assistance with the bags, even though I was really struggling. How much did we buy? I was starting to think Peter didn't get my text as I walked up the stairs not seeing him in the lobby but here, he was, standing right outside my flat door looking nervous and eager. As soon as he saw me, he darted over, relieving me of some of the bags to help me, and waited for me to unlock the door for the both of us. I dropped the bags on the floor and moved to the couch, expecting him to follow, which he did.

"Jeez, how much did you buy? The whole street?"

"With Michelle? Probably."

He looked even more nervous, sitting there, fidgeting with his hands as he waited for me to talk, he wasn't the only one waiting though, I was waiting to figure out what I was going to say. Just dive right in Carla, you can do this.

"About the other day – "

"Do you ever feel guilty?"

"What?"

I cut him off unintentionally, he wanted to talk about the past so did I, I just wanted to go further back.

"Do you ever feel guilty?"

"Well…Yeah, of course, about a lot of things. Is this a trick question?"

"Do you ever feel guilty about having this baby when we couldn't have our little girl?"

I saw that question physically hit him as his body moved backwards in shock, he didn't expect it, but it wouldn't leave my mind since I saw that little girl. The thoughts were consuming me, drowning me, I needed to talk to someone who wouldn't judge, someone who might even understand. I could physically hear the silence as it was so loud, it was a noticeably big question that quite rightly, deserved a lot of thought.

"Do you… Do you feel guilty?"

"Sometimes, I feel guilty that I couldn't protect her like I am protecting him. I feel guilty that she didn't get a chance in life but every day her little brother gets closer to living the life she could never have. I mean, nothing has really changed, same mom and dad, same jobs, she just… I don't know."

There was the truth, all laid out. At first, I was embarrassed about the tears slowly trailing down my face that I tried to wipe away, looking at Peter, he was crying too. It was an incredibly vulnerable moment for us, and I almost regretted bringing it up and asking him over until he talked.

"I do. I feel guilty all the time. If I didn't put you under that stress, If I didn't do the things, I did, we would have a little girl right now. I'm not going to say we would be a family, because we might not have been, I may have messed up the marriage, but she didn't deserve to not get a chance because of me. I love our little boy already so much, I hate to say it, but I hate that we didn't get to hold and love our little girl."

Hearing his words eased me, to know that it wasn't insane and that he felt the same way felt like the feeling had been halved just by sharing with each other. It wouldn't make the pain go away, but it may make it easier, which is all I can ask for right now.

"If I tell you the truth, I was relieved when we found out it was a little boy because then – "

"– it didn't feel like we were replacing her."

Both of us were on the same page and as if by sharing the same thoughts, we smiled at each other, both having gotten a little weight off our shoulders, and I couldn't be more glad that I asked him over. We furiously tried to hide any evidence that either of us had been crying as Peter tried to lighten the mood, both of us knowing that we had finally been able to express ourselves.

"So, did you have a good time today?"

"Yeah, we just went around some shops, picking up the necessities and everything else I wanted. Did you know they sold matching Pj's?"

"No… I'm guessing you got some?"

"Yeah, I would show you but I'm having mommy and baby sown on, I also got a onesie I'm having customised."

"Oh? What are you having on that one?"

It was a last-minute decision really, a shop I popped into on the way back to the car as Michelle popped into a corner shop for a drink. I acted on impulse, but I was starting to feel better about it as time passed.

"It was supposed to be a surprise, but since I brought you over here for a free counselling session, it's going to say 'baby Barlow'"

I don't want to rush the ending but I know this story is going on quite a bit, so I apologise for this, there's just a lot I feel needs to happen before I end this story.