Where was Peter?

Nick making shushing noises and rubbing my back just wasn't cutting it and I felt like I wanted to rip his head off for even thinking that it would help. It was when I heard hushed whispers and followed their gaze that I noticed the worst thing, I was bleeding. No. No, this can't be happening, not again. We had come so far, I had been so much better this time and done everything right, why was this happening again.

The doors swung open, and Peter came running in looked devastated, he pushed past everyone and shoved in next to me, resting me against his chest. His hands moved to stroke my hair; I couldn't see his face, but I knew him well enough that it was probably similar to mine. My gaze was on the blood appearing, sure it was minor, but it was enough that it was worrying, any amount of blood was worrying – I could be losing my little boy.

"Peter…"

It was a sob, my voice was full of the tears shedding down my face and I was lost, looking for comfort in the man going through the same agony I was.

"It's ok, it's just a bit of blood, the ambulance should be here soon. Michelle! Get everyone out of here."

My head turned so that I could sob into his chest and conceal myself, I was overwhelmed by everything I was feeling and going through, I couldn't put it into words even if I tried. My best friend sprung into action after being frozen with worry and followed Peter's directions, footsteps were retreating from me. Just as I heard the door swing shut, it opened just as quickly, and heavier footsteps approached me.

"Hi, Mrs. Connor. We're here to help but you are going to need to tell me where it hurts."

Where did it hurt?

My heart?

No.

He wanted proper answers, pulling away from Peter's embrace I ran through my body trying to feel where the pain was radiating from. My back, that's where the pain was stemming from and spreading from, it was not letting me walk or move, it was my back – not my belly. Please let that mean something.

"My back, my back hurts the most."

"Ok, that's great Mrs. Connor, we are going to try and move you to the ambulance so we can get you an ultrasound, do you think you can move with some help?"

"Yeah, maybe…"

Then he was the other side of me, opposite Peter, and they both supported me as I stood and hobbled out with them. The other paramedic was in front of us, tapping on a tablet, opening the doors, and being of assistance. Michelle was behind us, definitely already crying at my situation, my heart was breaking all over again. Being on the bed, I immediately fell back to lie down and give my back some relief from the stress of moving.

"We've got room for one more if someone wants to go."

"Peter, go with her, keep me updated, please."

"Of course, Chelle."

My hand was taken hold of, and my gaze moved to Peter as he tried to put on a reassuring smile, even though he knew I could see straight through it – he was trying. Michelle was trying too, she told him to go and let him be in charge instead of pushing her way in. I wouldn't have minded wither of them, but it was some relief having just Peter, she trusted him enough right now and that gave me hope that if my son was ok, maybe Chelle wouldn't argue with Peter when he was born.

The paramedic with the tablet was sitting next to Peter and was eagerly tapping away before she looked up at me and began with the questions as I tried to drown out the noise of the siren.

"Right Mrs. Connor, you've got intense back pain, some spotting, are there any other symptoms?"

"I don't know – I don't think so – it just hurts really bad. Is my baby, ok?"

"It's a bit too early to say right now but this information sends straight to the nurses at the hospital so that they can check straight away for you."

That wasn't a relief to hear, it was just more waiting, more pain for my body and heart as I waited to know if my baby was still going. Life never went smoothly for me, and I was terrified about what the end of the day was going to bring. What was I supposed to do if I lost my little boy? How was I supposed to cope with that? One look at Peter had me convinced he was thinking the same thing, what was either of us going to do if we lost him?

My body was still on the bed as the paramedics rolled me out of the ambulance and Peter's hand was in mine as he practically jogged to keep up with us. A young nurse came jogging over and nodded to the paramedics, clearly taking the lead.

"Right Mrs. Connor, let's get you that ultrasound and check that baby is ok."

She sounded too calm right now, was it because she knew he was already gone so there was no panic? Was it good news so she wasn't in a rush? Or was it actually just her demeanour to try and keep us calm which obviously wasn't working?

It was a flurry of motion as the bed was pushed into the right place, my top was lifted, and the gel squirted. The next thing I knew was hearing the best sound of my life, what I was pretty sure was my little boy beating his heart. Was I imagining this? Was this in my head due to hopeful thinking? It couldn't be, the tense grip on my hand and the look of wonder on Peter's face told me that he heard it too. Even the nurse looked relieved as she turned the monitor to us, and I saw my little boy moving on the little screen. More tears flooded my face, and I heard my loud sob as I realised, he was still here, my baby was still good.

"Little boy is still perfectly healthy…I think your pain is coming from a complication with your placenta, let me just go and grab a doctor to double-check what he thinks is best for the next step."

She waited for a few moments, waiting to see if we were going to speak or had any questions but both of us were still frozen in amazement. He was ok. This really was one of the best days of my life.

"Peter, he's ok… our little boy is ok."

He said nothing but smiled with his own tears rolling down his face in happiness, he raised our joined hands placing a soft kiss on mine and then a kiss on my forehead. Neither of us could take our eyes off of the monitor that was replaying the short clip that was taken only minutes ago. Time had passed but I wasn't sure how much when a doctor approached, reading a file – probably mine and smiled reassuringly at me, I felt reassured. How could I not?

"Hi Mrs. Connor, I'm just going to have another little look at the baby and check your placenta, the worries that Nurse Davies recorded."

Her words went in one ear and out of the other, I didn't care what she did, I meant need more help from them but not help in bringing my baby back, he was ok. The gel was being pushed around and I wiped the tears away, suddenly feeling gross everywhere. After some movements of the probe thing and more sharp pains in my back, the doctor finally looked ready to share the diagnosis.

"Right, from what I can see, your placenta has started to come away from the wall of your womb, it's called Placental Abruption which can be harmful towards the baby. It won't be able to give him all the nutrients he needs."

What?

How were we not out of the clear yet?

He was still in danger?

This wasn't fair.

"With how big baby is and how much pain mom is in, I think the best option is an emergency C-section as I don't want to risk baby by holding off and hoping for the best."

Sign me up for the option with no risk to my son – wait – that meant I was having him right now? I was about to become a mom today. The doctor must have noticed my face and carried on speaking to try and reassure me, I guess she needed me calm.

"Baby will be premature and will need to be monitored for a little while but at least he will be getting everything he needs out here. In there, his support system is failing, and he is a good size to be delivered now so that he has a fighting chance. I know this probably isn't how you planned your birth, but I promise we will do everything we can to keep you and baby safe."

How do I tell her that I didn't actually have a labour plan? It seemed boring. Her words got through to me though, if he was out of the womb, I could keep him ok, in there my body wasn't helping as much anymore. I needed to have the c-section right now – it was the only choice.

"Ok, let's do it."

The operating room felt cold and sterile, it was a hospital, what was I expecting? Peter was all scrubbed up as he kept a grip on my hand and watched over the separating curtain, probably watching as they cut into me. I had been numbed, but I could feel the movement and I knew they were through my skin by the grossed-out face on Peter. I felt like my heart had stopped, waiting for something, anything, to tell me that my son was ok, and I had made the right decision.

Like answering a prayer, I heard it, I heard the sound I had waited months to hear, years since I had my little girl growing in me – I heard a baby cry. I heard my baby cry. He was crying and boy did he have a set of lungs on him. Bundled up, he was shoved into my arms, still covered in blood and weird body gunk, crying his little heart out. What was I supposed to do? Peter came over and touched his son, almost not believing he was real as I assumed I was getting stitched up. Too soon though, a nurse appeared taking away my little bundle of joy needing to check him out.

It felt like agony having him so close but so far, he was just in my arms, and it felt cruel to take him from me right now. My mind relived the memory of him from minutes ago, he was so small considering how big my belly was, what did he need the extra space for? Before I could go into a full panic of whether his clothes would fit or not because of how small he was, my little boy was back in my arms and he was still screaming, red in the face – either that or still coloured from my blood.

I did this, I made and carried this little boy, and he was perfect. Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes, the tiniest bit of black hair, and the cutest little nose. He looked like the dolls I saw in the front windows of shops, made to be perfect and loved, just like he was.

We were being moved into a room as my body was finished after being put through hell and I was allowed to hold my son the whole way. It was only when we stopped, put in place that I realised Peter had only been watching, reluctantly I looked at him, offering to hold our son.

"You sure?"

"He's your son too Peter."

My arms felt weirdly empty and cold without him there, but it was heart-warming to see father and son together. Peter, like me, was experiencing something he had never before, Simon came to him premade, so I knew this moment meant as much to him as it did to me.

"He's so tiny, I'm scared I'm going to break him."

"Please don't break our son Peter."

He chuckled slightly before stopping himself, his belly moved with his laughter which disturbed the baby – the baby – I had a baby.

"Michelle."

"What?"

"I need to let Michelle know, I didn't even tell her that you were going in for a c-section, she is going to kill me."

"Ring her now then."

"No, let me hold my son for a bit longer."

Would he look like me? It looked like my nose at least, he was perfect, but he looked like a potato with wrinkles right now if I was honest. A beautiful potato though. My potato. Peter was in his own world, gently rocking our son and gently stroking his face with his finger as he hummed gently. It was a picture that I think I knew deep down I would always see, Peter happy with a baby from me. We had done that, one night had made something so amazing and changed my life forever, I couldn't be more grateful for that night at this moment.

Peter probably felt my longing and stood slowly, placing the baby back in my arms, every moment very soft not to disturb him.

"Here you go, back to mommy."

Mommy.

I was his mommy, officially a mommy to everyone, everyone in the world was going to know that I was a mommy. My mom had taught me everything not to do when she raised me so now, I knew everything I should do, everything to do even if I make mistakes, he was going to have a better life than me. He was going to know every day that he is loved and cared for and no matter what, he would always have me.

"I'm just texting Chelle, I have said so far about the c-section and placenta thing, I said he is here, anything else?"

"Just tell her he is perfect."

The faint noise of the hospital was still buzzing around us as we settled into the new little family dynamic we had become. My eyes were filled with tears, and I began to let them flow, never looking away from my miracle. Could my heart feel any more full? I never knew I could love someone like this, so completely and fully, it was practically magical. My heartfelt like it was growing every time he moved, so when I stroked his hand with my finger and his hand flexed, almost gripping my mine, I knew that this was what I needed.

"My perfect little boy, you are everything I have ever wanted without ever knowing. Mommy loves you so much, you are my world and always will be, ok? I won't be like my mom, you will have everything you need or even just want, I will always love you and make you feel loved because you are, I love you so much. You little baby Barlow are my perfect little chance at life. My perfect little boy."

This chapter is a little shorter than normal but it just felt complete sooner than normal. I did look up what can cause pregnancy pain and premature labour so hopefully, it is slightly factual. This is not the end of the story so don't worry, I am looking forward to writing some chapters of the new family and Carla being a mom.