"Just put your hand here and support his head like this and he should just – there we go."

"There we go…"

I had a baby latched onto me and drinking, I was amazed and disgusted all at the same time, I don't think I will ever understand my body and the things it can actually do. The nurse was being helpful, it was weird to have my chest on display as another woman helped guide my sons' mouth to me. I wouldn't have been able to do it on my own and it was such a weird experience that I don't ever want to talk about. Peter had left just over an hour ago, he needed to shower, change clothes, and pick up my hospital bag. I insisted, there were things I personally needed and needed them right now, desperately. He was hesitant to part from us, but I kept pushing, what was he going to miss really? Due to our little boy being so small, they kept a close eye on him, often and he was sleeping a lot, maybe a change of nappy being needed but that's it.

"You are doing amazing Mrs. Connor; you've got a strong little boy there."

"Chelle is mad – Oh, sorry."

Of course, he would pick now to walk in, he averted his eyes awkwardly and tried to hide the embarrassed smile. The nurse, predictably, just smiled at us both and tried to better the situation, offering comfort, having been through this probably a thousand times.

"You've got a strong little boy here. He will let you know when he is done and then if you just pop him on your shoulder, making small circular motions to encourage wind. He is looking really well; the doctor should be with you shortly to discuss his health but there is nothing to worry about. It's just some steps that need to be taken because he is premature, but he is looking good."

Her words were reassuring, it helped relieve some of the heavy tension that I had been carrying, the new maternal worry came naturally and only grew since I had been able to hold him in my arms. The nurse smiled again at us both separately and moved out of the room as my baby continued to nurse. This was getting ridiculous, Peter was still staring at the corner of the room, giving me a terrible version of privacy.

"Peter, you are going to be seeing this a lot, you have already seen them and it is nothing. I am feeding our son."

Our son.

That was fun to say, it felt different than before and it filled me with a warmth that I didn't expect, I was feeding and caring for our son.

"You're right, sorry…"

Finally, he turned around and I hated to admit it, but he looked better than I did right now, then again, I had just been through surgery less than twenty-four hours ago. My scar still hurt, and I knew the pain was only going to get worse as the pain messed slowly came down, it was a scary thought. It was never something I had expected, I felt like I had only been pregnant for weeks, not months and I still had time to go, yet he decided to come early, my plans of labour changed, and it was a lot to process. My mind then fell back to what Peter said when he entered, I needed a distraction right now, something to busy my mind as my body worked.

"What were you saying earlier? About Chelle?"

"Oh, she's mad because I text her last night, about you having the baby. Only, it turns out, she didn't get it until this morning, so she had a right go at me on the street this morning. She was furious… she'll be by later though."

"I told you."

Although Peter was speaking to me, smiling at his own words, reliving the memory, his eyes were solely on his son, it was heart-warming. I warned him last night that Michelle would be mad he didn't tell her earlier, she didn't care if he just wanted to spend time with his newborn, a text would only take a minute. I understood both sides but right now, I didn't want to get involved, life was too good right now to be in arguments with them two.

Slowly my body was released, and I tried to follow the instructions I was given before the nurse left, I imagine she would have stayed and helped if I had been more welcoming, but I hadn't. Right, balance him with his head on my shoulder, small motions around on his back, and… nothing. Keep going Carla, don't quit now, small motions and… nothing, again. What?

"You trying to burp him."

"Well, the nurse said wind him… but yeah. I don't get why it isn't working."

"Give him here, let me have a go."

Before I could reject his demand not even described as a question, Peter took him out of my arms and returned to his seat. I watched as he placed him on his chest and gently moved his hand, just like that, a burp, and a bit of throw up down Peter's back, which made me smile.

"Beginner's luck."

"Ew, take him please."

My baby was placed back in my arms, and I couldn't help but laugh as Peter tried to get the sick of his back and struggling while doing so. Instinctively, I just began to rock my arms to soothe my baby, to prevent another screaming meltdown like I had witnessed too many times in the night he had been alive. Peter stopped struggling and smiled at me, it was awkward, and I could feel my face heating in a blush, so I ducked my head and refused to meet his gaze. From just out of my eyeline, I could roughly see Peter take off his top and clean it without the struggle.

"So, Michelle said she'll swing by today, probably soon, she looked like she couldn't wait. Oh, and Si wanted to come to visit, my dad said he was going to bring him, but I can text and cancel if it is too much for one day."

Why was he talking to me with his shirt off?

Did he want me to look?

Michelle always made jokes that when I got far enough into my pregnancy that she thought I was going to go and beg Peter to sleep with me. She said nearly every woman went through the horny phase and she said she knew I would pick Peter; he wouldn't turn me away. Maybe it had been too long, Peter without his top looked really good to me right now and it wasn't fair.

"No – no, it will be fine, Si should meet his brother, hmm, what do you think? Ready to meet your big brother?"

Talking to my son was better than talking to Peter and looking at him right now, by the time he walked into my view, he was fully dressed again, thankfully. Sitting down, we finally had our moment of peace, just the three of us, a family at last. He was beginning to fall asleep again in my arms and it was a moment I would swap everything for, this was more than I ever thought.

It had been a quiet hour as the newborn slept and I was finally able to pee, even if I had to hobble over holding onto my ex-husbands arm. From what the doctor had told us on his visit, I was going to need a lot of support from him in the next few days as moving around was going to be difficult. Great. The worst news was that I was going to be discharged and sent home without my son as he needed to stay in just for monitoring purposes. The best-case scenario would be by the end of the week, the worst, well I assumed the worst would be that I wouldn't be taking him home, but the doctors would never say that to me.

"Where is he? My little – "

"Shh"

"Shh"

It was too late, the crying had started, I tried to shuffle out, but Peter was quicker, he wasn't healing from anything or coming off pain medication.

"It's ok, I've got him."

"Sorry."

Michelle took Peter's now-vacant seat and was talking to me, complimenting my son, telling me how beautiful he was and how perfect he looked but I wasn't listening. How could I listen when Peter was distracting my attention? He was already proving to be an amazing dad, standing there, rocking side to side with our son in his arms as he looked like there is nowhere else in the world he would rather be. It was something I had wanted to see only a year ago, it was something that had attracted me to him all those years ago and it was better than ever before.

"– I love him. Have you thought of a name yet?"

"Yeah, I think so, I wanted to run it by you first – and Peter of course."

Lies.

He was getting his last name though, so I was taking some liberties. To be honest, though, it was something I thought of when I agreed to Barlow being his last name, it was something to honour my family, my legacy, and life. I was still going back and forth between whether it was a good idea or not but there wasn't any more time, and I didn't really have a backup right now. I had one name, looking at him, all night like I had been doing, it suited him, I think even just mentally, I have been calling it him.

"Well, we had a Paul, we have a Liam, it was just a thought, feel free to object, either of you. You do have to object with a better choice though…"

"Sorry, are we interrupting?"

My eyes snapped to the door and saw Ken standing there with a nervous and fidgeting Simon behind him as he looked around his grandad into the room.

"No of course, not Ken, come in – and you Si."

Both walked in, Simon still staying behind Ken, not sure when to make his first move or what to do. The baby was still resting on Peter's chest as he rocked and I summoned him over to pass me my child, everyone's attention was either on me or the baby, so why not combine it? The simple movement of passing him caught the attention of Simon and I finally saw him step around and stare at us. Being his Stepmom was something I not only didn't want, but I wasn't good at it, right now I didn't know what to do. Leanne would know what to do, others might but I was scared to say or do the wrong thing, the young boy had become a big part of my life and I didn't want to change that. It felt like everyone was waiting for me to make a move or a decision, no one saying anything until I did.

"Do you want to hold him Si?"

Was that the right thing to do?

Did I just mess up?

On reflex, I looked at Ken to read his opinion on the situation just by his expressions, I felt like cheering when he looked happy, staring at Simon waiting for him to make the next move. I had just passed the attention to him.

"Err, yeah sure. What do I do?"

He looked just as terrified as I used to when offered a baby, I couldn't blame him, he was still young and didn't have much experience around babies. Michelle stood up then and offered him her seat so that there was an extra level of safety, he was more secure holding the baby seated than standing up. Slowly, he moved to the seat, and I knew he was trying to delay the situation, his agreeing though meant that he was interested just nervous.

"Right then, if you just put your arm there and support his head like that – there you go Si."

It was difficult adjusting him without concerning Si that he was doing something wrong but when I moved back to the bed, I was happy with the position. My hormones were still all over the place which is what I was blaming the water collecting in my eyes on, it was emotional. Without looking, I knew Peter was probably going through the same thing, his sons together, being right here and now, it was a huge moment.

"He's really wrinkly."

"Thanks, Si."

Yep, there were definitely tears in Peter's voice as he responded to his son and the happiness at that was slowly easing my own emotions. For once things felt good, not like a rollercoaster going out of control and taking everyone down with it. Michelle balanced on the lower edge of my bed as she took my hand, eager to offer comfort which I was really grateful for. My life had changed so much in such a short time, everything was getting a bit overwhelming – a good overwhelming feeling though – if that was possible.

It wasn't long before Simon was dealing with a crying baby, and I was rescuing him by rocking my arms back and forth once my son was there and felt all the eyes in the room on me. I wasn't sure if anything was being said or what people were doing other than watching me as my attention was solely on the baby in my arms. I did hear Ken whisper not so subtly to Peter which made all the tears return.

"She is a natural Peter."

Before the tears could spill down my cheeks and spread my weakness to everyone, Simon being a teenager got bored and made conversation, wanting to know more.

"So, when are you going home?"

"Well – "

I coughed to clear the evidence of tears from my voice, giving me away, and started again, hoping for a neutral tone.

"Well, I can probably go home tomorrow and hopefully this little guy can come out at the end of the week."

Vaguely, I could hear a hushed conversation between father and son, Peter, and Ken, as they spoke about why our baby couldn't come home soon enough. It wasn't something they or I wanted Simon to hear as he shouldn't have to worry about health concerns. Trying to drown out the men even more, Michelle piped up again, engaging us in another conversation, stealing the attention of Peter and Ken.

"Before you got here Si, Carla was about to tell us what she might call your little brother…"

"Really? What's his name going to be?"

Now there were more minds to appease which was more stressful, I knew I should have told Peter separately to spare embarrassing myself right now. There were all going to hate it, but I had no choice but to confess now because of Chelle. I need to stay confident, I like the name, even if they don't.

"Well, I was thinking, since he is going to be a Barlow like you and your dad, he needs some Connor in him too. I was thinking about calling him, Connor Barlow…"

Silence.

They hate it.

I don't have any backups.

I should have thought of other names.

"That's a great idea Car, he suits Connor."

Peter agreed. That's all that matters, Peter, the father, thought it was a good name, even Chelle was tearing up at the idea as it was her family name – our family name. Ken announced it for us, making it feel more official.

"Welcome to the world then Master Connor Barlow."

Bit off an odd choice for the name but I liked it, sorry for the delay, I got wrapped up getting into the Handmaids tale which I highly recommend.