So Long, Farewell chapter 13
Disclaimer: I do not have the rights to SOA and make no profit from my writing. Anything you don't recognize from the show I have created.
Content Warning: This fanfiction is rated M. Please respect that warning and do not read this if you do not want to read M rated material.
Story Summary: NON CANNON Set after end of season. A woman and her ill father move in to the house next door to Jax. Carly's father grew up in Charming and wanted to come back to live out the last of his days. Carly needs support in a town where she knows no one. Jax is without his wife, his kids, and his mother. Is shared loneliness enough to build a relationship on for two people so different?
Set after end of series. NON CANNON. Jax has not died. Wendy and Nero are raising the boys in Mexico for their safety. Jax is still the president of SAMCRO.
Jax spent the first few days after Carly's departure sad and depressed. By Friday night he had moved on to anger. He attended the Friday night party, the first one in quite a while, and took on Tig in the ring. The beating did him good. He was much more able to deal with physical pain than emotional pain. He stayed in the clubhouse that night and drank himself into unconsciousness.
He spent the weekend alone in his house. He didn't like being alone in bed. He didn't like eating meals alone. Doing dishes alone, watching tv alone. He found himself still in the habit of getting up to take the dog out before bed. There was no more dog.
By the time he went back to work on Monday he was furious. Furious at her for leaving, furious at himself for letting her. Why didn't he ask her to stay? Why didn't she ask to stay? He knew by now she would be driving into Delaware, if not already there. He wondered where she would stay. Had she forgot to mention she had already rented an apartment? Was she going to stay with a friend? Would she get back together with her ex?
That thought had him whipping a wrench across the garage. It hit Ratboy in the side of the head and Chibs pulled Jax out of the garage before the two could come to blows over it.
Chibs dragged Jax into the clubhouse and got him a glass of Jack. He had already deduced that Carly had left town. He wasn't sure if the two had fought first, broken up, or she went back for a job, but she was definitely gone.
He sat in silence as Jax sipped at his drink. He didn't want to start asking Jax a bunch of questions that would have him screaming, or trying not to cry. When Jax finished his glass Chibs poured him another and with a pat on the shoulder, left him alone to go back to work.
Happy gave Chibs a questioning look and Chibs simply shook his head.
The drinking got heavier as the week went on. Jax came in later and later, and instead of his usually tardiness with a smile from morning sex, he was coming in hung over. All the men noticed, but they had all been as messed up as Jax over a woman at some point in their lives.
Thursday night Jax came home from work and hit rock bottom. He went into his bedroom, the one he had shared with Carly, and smashed the mirror above the dresser with his fist. It felt satisfying to listen to the glass shatter. He ignored his bloody knuckles as he made his way into the kitchen to start drinking for the night. With any luck he would drink himself unconscious before the desperate gaping hole in his chest swallowed him up.
Jax sat at the bar during the Friday night party. He had spoken to no one, just sat there drinking in silence. The club men and the hang arounds gave him space. The sweet butts rubbed his back and held his hands and poured him more Jack.
As the party wound down Jax got up to head home. He weaved his way through the parking lot and stared at the line of bikes, trying to locate his own.
"You're not riding that thing home like that, are you?" A raven-haired sweet butt named Missy came up next to him.
He stared back at her blankly.
Missy rubbed a hand up and down his back. "Come on honey, I'll take you back inside. You can bunk here for the night." She said sweetly.
"No." Jax said defiantly. "I want to sleep in my own damn bed."
"Okay." Missy played along. She moved in front of him and slipped her hands under his kutte. "Then I'll take you home. How about that?"
Jax looked back at the line of bikes and then down at Missy. His vision of her blurred. If he squinted a little, he could imagine she was Carly.
"Okay." Jax nodded his head.
Carly pulled into Jax's driveway at nearly 2 in the morning. She had taken the scenic route home and then sped back across the continent when she realized the mistake she had made in leaving. She took a minute to sit in her car and take some deep breaths. She was about to rip her heart out and hand it to a man that had let her drive away a week and a half ago. He hadn't asked her to stay. She had waited. She had waited for days. And he never did.
It didn't matter. She couldn't restart her life in Delaware without knowing if things could have worked out with Jax. It would have been the biggest regret of her life.
She ran her hand down Kenya's back to calm herself, and turned the car off. She got out slowly and made her way to the front door. She had never given her key back to Jax, but barging in on him unannounced at 2 in the morning was a good way of getting shot, knowing how prepared he was for late night visitors.
The porch light was on, along with a lamp in the living room. She heard no sound coming from the tv however. She chose to knock on the door instead of ring the bell. There came no answer and she started to walk away. She took one more deep breath and knocked louder.
She heard shuffling inside and tried to brace herself for the door to open. When it did, Jax just stared at her, shirtless and barefoot in jeans that were still undone.
"Carly." He said simply.
"Jax." Carly answered him.
He stared at her with a blank look on his face so she took a deep breath and started her well practiced speech.
"I… I got all the way into Delaware before I realized what a big mistake I was making. I'm sorry I left the way I did. I didn't want to leave. I was waiting, waiting for you to ask me to stay. But you didn't, so I left. But I can't live without knowing what would have happened between us. So… I'm back. I want to stay; here; with you. I want to be with you. I love you, Jax."
"Carly…" Jax breathed out her name. He reached out for her and had almost grasped her hand when they were interrupted.
"Jax? Who is it?" Missy came down the hall wearing Jax's shirt and nothing else.
"Oh." Carly said and took a step back. "I'm… I'm interrupting." She said quickly and took another step, stumbling down the porch step.
"No, wait, Carly!" Jax stepped out the door and tried to reach for her again.
"I'm just gonna go." Carly added and turned to run back to her car.
"Carly!" Jax yelled as he ran after her. He stepped on a rock on the walkway and swore loudly, grabbing at his hurt foot. "Carly!" He yelled again as she tore out of his driveway.
He stood still in his yard watching her tail lights disappear. When they were gone, he turned back to the house. Missy was standing in the doorway.
"Who was that?" She asked.
"You need to go." Jax said firmly.
"What?"
"Now. You need to go. Now." He got angrier as he said it.
Missy ran back into the house in tears as Jax stormed back inside. He pulled angerly at his hair and slapped both his hands up against the wall. "Damn it. Damn it. Fuck!" He screamed at the top of his lungs.
"Jax?" Missy asked, in her own jeans and halter, holding her bra and panties, shoes and jacket.
"Please just go." Jax wailed.
Carly slept in till just before checkout at the motel she had stayed in the previous night. The days and days of driving had caught up to her. She wasn't prepared to make the drive across country a third time. She threw on broken in jeans and a t shirt, comfortable for driving, and put her hair up. She put Kenya on a leash for the parking lot and headed back out to her car.
She drove through town and stopped at the florist for yellow roses. Her father's favorite. She had left town before the headstone was done and she wanted to see it, and since this would be her last time in Charming, she wanted to say a final goodbye to her father.
She opened the window fully for Kenya and walked through the cemetery to her father's plot. She set the roses down on the ground and ran her hand over the carved name of her father. She knelt down in the packed dirt and thought about all of her decisions' since she had come to Charming.
Falling into a relationship with a man she had nothing in common with, a man that was the president of a motorcycle club and carried a gun. A man who had sent his own children away when their mother had died. She had fallen for him completely. She had spent every night in his bed for months. She had moved into his house, made his bed and cooked him dinner. And then he just let her go, and had another woman in his bed two weeks later.
She was so glad her father had never found out about her relationship. She felt ashamed of herself. Embarrassed. She had picked another wrong man. And this one may not have treated her like shit or dumped her for wanting to take care of her father, but he had hurt her more than anyone else in her life ever had.
She got up and brushed the dirt off her knees. On her way back to the car she wondered how long it would take for them to plant grass. How long it would be before his grave wasn't fresh anymore, just one of thousands spread out over the property. She was so lost in her head she didn't spot Jax waiting at her car till she was half way across the small street.
"Hey." He said simply, and pushed himself off her car where he had been leaning.
She stared at him for a moment. Looked him up and down. She had come back for him, ready to start a life with him. She couldn't take saying goodbye to him again.
"Carly…" Jax took a step forward and stopped. "Can we please talk?" He asked.
Carly licked her lips; her whole mouth was suddenly dry with nerves. "There's nothing to talk about." She tried to walk around him to her car and he stepped in her way.
"How did you even know I'd be here?" She asked angerly.
"Because I know you, Carly. I knew you wouldn't leave without visiting him."
"How long have you been here waiting for me?"
"Since dawn." Jax shrugged.
Carly let out a deep frustrated breath and rolled her eyes.
"Look… Last night…what you saw…" Jax started.
"Please." Carly held up a hand. "Don't apologize."
"Carly… I'm so sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for. I left. You're free to do whatever you want, with whoever you want."
"Carly, please…just let me explain."
"You don't need to explain. I shouldn't have shown up at your house like that in the middle of the night."
"Carly, STOP! Can you please stop being so fucking reasonable about this and let me tell you I feel like shit." He reached out and took her hand. "I need you to know I never cheated on you. From the first day I met you, I never touched another woman."
Carly nodded her head and looked at her car. Kenya had her head hanging out the driver's window, watching them.
"Last night, was the first time I was with her, with anyone. I didn't plan it. I didn't…seek her out. I was sad. I got drunk. She offered me a ride home and I just… I didn't want to go inside alone, again."
"Okay." Carly nodded her head again.
"Carly, please… Fuck, Carly, you told me you loved me. Please, just, get angry, yell at me, scream, hit me. Do something, anything to show me you still care. Show me I hurt you. Let me make it up to you."
"I'm not gonna hit you, Jax. And I'm not gonna yell. You hurt me, okay. You really really fucking hurt me. I drove away from your house last night feeling like the biggest idiot in the world. I drove back across the country to be with you and I walked in on you sleeping with someone else."
"Carly-"
"No." Carly pulled her hand out of his. "I get it. Okay. You hurt me. But I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself for leaving without telling you how I felt. This is my fault."
"This is NOT your fault." Jax assured her.
"I need to go. I have a lot of driving to do." Carly tried to take a step toward her car.
"Damn it. No, Carly." Jax used his large body to block her from the car door. "I'm in love with you. I'm so fucking in love with you I don't know what to do with myself. I…broke, when you left. The last piece of my heart left in my chest just…shattered. Jesus, Carly, I shut the door the day you left and sat on the floor and cried. I fucking sobbed."
Carly looked deep into his eyes and saw the truth, and the tears, shining through. "Then why did you let me leave?"
"Because my wife was murdered because of me, because of my life style. Because I swore, I would never put another person I cared about in danger. I knew you couldn't stay with me."
Carly shook her head and folded her arms across her chest. "So…I love you. And you're in love with me… and you're telling me not to stay here and be with you?"
Jax wiped a hand over his face. "Yes."
"You're telling me to go?" Carly repeated.
Jax closed his eyes for a moment before speaking. "Yes."
"No." Carly said.
"No?" Jax asked.
"I'm staying. I don't care what your reasoning is. I want to stay. I want to be with you."
Jax stared at her blankly for a moment. He saw the determination on her face. "I'm not worth getting killed for." Jax spoke seriously.
"If there's one thing I learned from my father's passing, it's that life is short. You never know what's going to happen. And you have to seize happiness wherever you can find it. Love is worth dying for."
A smile slowly spread across Jax's face. He grabbed Carly's face in both of his hands and kissed her.
"Then let's go home." He whispered to her as he pulled away.
Sequel "Love is Worth Dying For" in the works.
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