Petra grits her teeth from the excruciating pain.
She doesn't know where she is, or how she got there. Or why her head hurts so damn much! Her fists clench something that feels like… grass?
At first there is total silence. She can only hear her rushed breath. And then there is a painful buzz, like there's a bee hive next to her ear.
But now she can hear the screams. The cables of the 3D maneuvering gear. The blades slicing flesh.
It all comes back to her in an instant.
An abnormal titan threw her in the air. She must have crashed into the ground. That explains the feeling she has that all her bones are out of place. The last thing she remembers is a familiar voice calling out her name in agony.
That same voice is getting louder every second, until she can hear him right next to her. Her vision is blurry. All parts of her body are numb. She can only see a mixture of colors, like that kaleidoscope she had when she was a child. But she didn't play with toys anymore. She is a soldier, facing death. Those innocent times are over.
She feels Levi's arms around her, sitting her up.
"Fuck! Why are you bleeding so much? Petra! Can you fucking hear me?" he yells. There is blood all over his face and his hands. Hers? Or a titan's?
She starts feeling her legs again. Why do her thighs feel so wet? Did she piss herself? She only did that on her first expedition, many years ago. She lowers her head to take a look. There's too much blood down there. That can only mean one thing.
"Petra! What is all this blood?" Levi shouts frantically, his eyes burning fiercely.
She gathers strength to speak, afraid her lungs might collapse at every word. "I… I suppose… I lost it" she breathes unsteadily.
"You lost what?"
"I'm sorry, Levi" she gasps in pain and clings onto him, burying her face in his chest. "I didn't know".
"What the hell are you talking about?" he pushes her back and forces her to look him in the eye.
Her hand goes instinctively to her belly. "Levi… I think this is a… a miscarriage" her voice falters and her senses fade away, after she catches a glimpse of Levi's terrified expression and feels him lifting her into his arms.
When she wakes up, she doesn't recognize her surroundings. She lays in an uncomfortable bed and the lighting is too bright that she has to close her eyes again. She feels a hole in her stomach and she moans in pain.
"Petra?"
Two quivering hands cup her face affectionately. Levi is sitting on a chair next to her. He has dark bags under his eyes, more so than usual.
"Where am I?". Her voice is hoarse and her throat dry as she attempts to speak.
Is this a dream? When did she change into that white robe? Where is her ODM gear? Where are all the titans? Not that she misses them.
"It's okay, you're safe. It's over" he kisses her burning forehead, trying to reassure himself too.
She hisses as a sharp wave of pain penetrates through her body. Levi's arms hold her tighter. She wants to enjoy his affection, but her mind is too full with questions.
"What happened?"
He wipes a couple tears in her face that she didn't realize she had shed. "We're back inside the Walls. You are in the best hospital, okay?"
"Okay" she repeats without thinking. She's still lost.
"You just rest. You are out of danger. Once you are strong and ready for the surgery, they will take the rest of it out".
The rest of what?
Surgery?
What is he talking ab—
Petra gasps and freezes. Now she remembers. She remembers the blood, the shock, the pain. That's why she threw up yesterday. Or… what she remembers to be yesterday. She doesn't know how long she's been unconscious.
She should have guessed it. The nausea, the vomit, her unusual appetite for sweets… Why is she so stupid? Why did she miss all the signs?
"I'm sorry!" she throws herself in Levi's arms and cries on his shoulder. He holds her tighter and rocks her back and forth, whispering tired words in her ear that she can't make out. "If I knew, I wouldn't go on the expedition! Please, forgive me!"
"My love…" his hands run up and down her trembling back. "Shh. It's alright".
It's already dark now. She doesn't know how long she's been crying. Her eyes are swollen and she's all sweaty. Levi, the clean freak he is, must be disgusted by her state. But he still holds her in his arms.
To distract her from the pain, both physical and emotional, he tells her everything that happened the last few days she's been unconscious.
Eld, Gunther and Oluo visited her all the time. Those flowers in the vase next to her are from them.
"They don't know. They think you only had a bad injury and you had to be hospitalized".
She nods. She doesn't know if she'd be able to look them in the eye, if they knew that she has an intimate relationship with the captain to the degree that she got pregnant. Eld knows, but he'll probably won't like what he'll hear.
"They were very worried, all of them" Levi fills the silence. Strange for him. He's usually the less talkative of the two of them. "Eld has taken charge of training the last few days. Tch. I doubt those shitty brats train at all now that I'm gone. We'll be all in a pathetic condition once we get back to the barracks. Them with their flabby beer bellies, me with even darker circles under the eyes and you—"
He's wise enough to stop there. Petra wouldn't be mad at him either way. She doesn't have enough strength to.
Levi continues. "It's fine, they deserve some rest. They did a good job out there. They helped me take you back safely. Sometimes I like those shitty brats too much".
Petra wishes that she could smile at that. That she could chuckle and say something like "yeah, me too". But her lips feel too heavy to turn up and form even the faintest smile.
Sure, they didn't plan on a baby. They are certainly not ready. Not as individuals, nor as a couple. And a kid would bring their entire lives upside down and cause many problems. However… she could never say that losing this child was fortunate. And she can't stop herself from thinking of what could have been.
She would be kicked out of the army, she'd probably cause a heart attack to her father, there'd be rumors about her, the slut who slept with her captain, the unmarried mother… It would be wrong in so many levels.
But still… She'd have that little angel that left too soon for the paradise. And then nothing else would matter.
If she knew that this angel was inside her all this time, she would have caressed her belly. She would have talked to him, even though he didn't have ears yet. She's got a feeling it was a boy. Maybe she'll meet him one day. Apologize for not giving him a single motherly caress.
She doesn't have him now. But she has Levi.
"I just don't understand, Petra" he exclaims in a hoarse voice. "How did this happen?"
"I'm sorry" she says, her voice lifeless. "I guess the titan caught me off guard".
"I'm not talking about that. You were taking those pills. You weren't supposed to… You know".
"You can never be one-hundred per cent sure".
A sudden knock on the door. Levi winces and instinctively pulls away from her. The fear of being caught.
"Do you want visitors? I can kick their asses out, whoever they are".
She shrugs. "I don't care".
Levi leaves her bed and sits back to his chair.
"Come in" he says.
The door swings open to reveal Commander Erwin.
Petra hastily wipes her tears. Does he know?
"Miss Ral… Petra. I'm sorry for your loss".
He does. He isn't not that scary as he is during formal meetings and speeches. His tone is calm but it can't hide his genuine concern and sadness.
Petra tries to give him a warm smile, but her mouth fails her. So, she just nods. She feels the tears running down her cheeks again, but she has no strength to hold them back or wipe them. Maybe, if Erwin wasn't there, Levi would brush them off her face.
The Commander closes the door behind him and takes a few steps closer. He takes a quick glance at Levi, but he's too absorbed in looking at the floor, so he turns his eyes back to her.
"There are maternity leaves for that purpose" Erwin says. "You should have told us. We would have excluded you from the expedition".
"She didn't know" Levi cuts him off bluntly, still gazing at the floor.
"Oh. I see" he coughs to clear his throat. "I'm glad you are out of danger".
Petra nods again. It's the only reaction she is able to express.
"I know this is a personal matter" Erwin continues. "And perhaps this is not the best time. But if the man involved in this pregnancy is a member of the Survey Corps, as the Commander I must take action".
Yes, it's definitely not the right time. But sooner or later, she'll have to deal with it. So, that's why he's here. Not out of concern for her, but strictly for professional reasons. They were never close either way, although Petra would like to get to know better the man her boyfriend looks up to.
"Petra?" the Commander insists on receiving an answer.
She can lie. She can say it was a random hook-up at a bar. It's not anything unusual for the girls her age. Then Erwin will leave them alone and they can continue keeping their relationship secret.
But he's not just the Commander. He's Levi's friend. The man he respects most. Petra isn't sure if Levi is willing to lie to him. Hiding something is different than straight out lying.
Levi doesn't talk much, but she has heard him talk endlessly about Erwin. How devoted he is to him, how he gave him meaning in life when he saved him from the underground, how he trusts his every decision because he's the one who'll lead humanity into a better future and so on.
Petra believes that Levi is right to trust Erwin. He will do what must be done. They may not like his decision, but they will accept it.
They share a moment with Levi, looking into each other's eyes, and they know they're thinking the same thing.
"I am the father" Levi admits. "Or… Was".
The Commander doesn't seem surprised. He simply nods and after a few awfully quiet moments he speaks again:
"Miss Ral, I wish you fast recovery". After Petra mumbles a shy 'thank you', he turns to Levi, with a completely different tone in his voice: "Levi, I need to talk to you immediately. In private".
Levi gently squeezes Petra's shoulder and leans in to whisper: "Rest. I'll be right back, okay?"
"No" Petra speaks up, so that the Commander can hear her too. Something inside her is burning. "We were both in this together. Commander, I want to be present in this discussion".
"Miss Ral, your condition—"
"I'm fine!" she shouts. "I will hear everything you have to say. And if I must be punished, so be it".
"Petra, rest. Please" Levi pleads worryingly. "You don't need to worry about this right now. Just sleep".
"Don't give me orders!" she flares up. "You are not my captain right now!"
"Right now—" Levi raises his voice too, but stops himself and takes a deep breath. "Right now, what matters is your health" he adds softly. "I will take care of everything else. Okay?"
His tender tone soothes her. She begins feeling guilty for turning her anger against him.
"It's not fair. You shouldn't be facing this alone" she says quietly.
"Petra, Levi is your commanding officer. He has more responsibilities than you and he must hold accountability for his actions. Don't worry, we understand your position. Your young age, your inferior rank… It will all be taken into account".
"You make it sound like he raped me!" Petra snaps. "I wanted this. I'm as much to blame as he is, sir".
"I need to talk to him first. You are a clever girl. You can understand that knocking up a subordinate is a heavy offence".
"Don't call it that!" Petra bursts in angry tears. "Levi will tell me everything afterwards, so it's no use keeping me out of this! And don't you dare accuse him of taking advantage of me!"
Erwin blinks. He clearly didn't expect such words of rage from someone of her young age and inferior rank.
"Fine", he pulls out a chair and sits next to the bed.
The following moments are drowned in silence. She has already lost her unborn child. She can't lose Levi too. She needs him now more than ever.
Is he grieving too? Or he considers himself lucky for avoiding fatherhood? Petra can't demand to see him mourning for a baby he probably didn't want, but it would certainly make her feel less lonely.
Erwin rubs his temples as he asks in a low tone: "Was it a one-time thing or—"
"No" Levi interrupts him. "And if you're going to ask if it was only fucking, the answer is also no. We're not animals".
"I could have turned a blind eye, but if that's not the case…" he's searching for the right words.
"We don't intend to stop" Levi says and turns to Petra, asking for approval. She gives him a confident nod. What they have is too precious to lose, no matter what orders they have.
"In such cases, the protocol is clear. Immediate expulsion of the superior officer and discipline court for the subordinate. However…" he inhales deeply.
Levi squeezes Petra's hand. First time not in private.
"However, your case calls for an exception" the Commander continues. "We can't afford to lose Humanity's Strongest, neither a very promising member of the Elite Squad. Times are hard. We need the best soldiers on the field".
"So, what happens?" Petra asks.
Erwin's eyes shift between the two of them. "You understand that this situation cannot continue. Petra, you must be transferred to a different squad".
"Okay".
"Is it possible to arrange something with Hange?" Levi asks. "Our squads have worked well together before and Petra has friends there".
"I'll see to it" Erwin nods. "Something more. Levi… We can't trust the Special Operations Squad to anyone else. However, you will be demoted from Captain to Lieutenant. It's only a formality, nothing will change but your title".
"Tch. I never gave a fuck about honorifics anyway" Levi sighs.
"It'd be best not to repeat a similar situation in the future, but since Petra won't be serving under your direct command, I can't really tell you what to do".
"Thank you, Commander" Petra says.
She doesn't even try to persuade herself that "it will be for the best", because… honestly, she doesn't care. They can transfer her whenever they want. They can call Levi 'lieutenant' or 'corporal' or 'dumbass'. Now all she cares about is that emptiness in her womb.
When she joined the Survey Corps, she knew she was giving up the chance to become a mother and was reconciled with that fact. But now she has been one, even if she didn't know it at the time. She didn't know until now that a part of her wants to.
Maybe it's the shock or the medicines they've given her. She must suppress that strange feeling, the instinct that woke inside her despite her wishes. She has Levi and that's all she'll ever need.
The Commander stands up. Petra would salute him with a fist in her chest, if she didn't fear that her heart might break from that move. He turns around to leave.
"Despite all that…" he stops at the threshold, but doesn't turn around. "I sincerely wish you two the best and I'm sorry for your loss".
He's not the Commander anymore. He's Erwin.
"Shut up, Eyebrows" Levi grunts.
When they are alone again, Petra buries her face into the pillow. She feels Levi's hand rubbing her back. Her sobs now overflow the small room.
She has never been ashamed to cry for fallen soldiers, even in front of many people. She's even cried for a dead horse! Is it alright that she's now crying for a being she never saw, she didn't ask for and she wasn't ready for? Her head is too overwhelmed to answer that.