Petra lays on Levi's bed. It's probably her last night in the Elite Squad's base, her last chance to sleep in her bedroom, but she prefers being next to Levi.
They've decided to tell the boys everything. Tomorrow morning on breakfast. They must have suspected enough already. But they have to explain to them why their comrade will be transferring to a different squad. Eld already knows about them, but they have to tell him the rest. There's no use hiding it, the rumors would reach their ears eventually.
Who knows how they'll react? Maybe they'll be mad at Levi for getting her pregnant. Hopefully they'll understand. But she will face all that tomorrow.
Petra has rested her head on Levi's chest, rising and falling with every breath of his. The sound of his heart beat soothes her. His right hand gently caresses her belly. He has been at it for several minutes now, and he doesn't seem to stop. Though there's nothing there anymore.
"I'm sorry for getting you into this situation" he whispers in her hair, his voice filled with guilt.
"Levi!" she winces. "You don't have to be sorry about anything. If things were different, I'd be very happy to—".
She stops herself. She will freak him out. They never agreed on this. Having children is out of discussion for someone in the Survey Corps, especially women. Most members don't live to be older than thirty-five, maybe forty, and leaving a child orphan is no noble thing to do. Levi sure knows that more than most. And she'd never expect to risk something so huge with him.
And yet, she hears him whisper: "Me too".
Is he saying this to comfort her? A lie to make her feel better? Could Levi really want to be a family man?
She pushes these thoughts away. She just lost a child, it's too early to think the possibility of another. Tonight she'll give all her love to the man next to her.
Petra lifts her head up and kisses his neck and his jawline, while her fingers go under his shirt and trail his muscled abdomen. That's what she needs tonight to distract her from her thoughts.
She sits up and places her body on top of his. She rubs her hips against him, but when she leans in to place a kiss on his lips, his thumb goes to her chin and stops her.
"No. Please".
"Levi?"
He doesn't say anything.
"I asked. The doctor says it's okay. It's been two weeks now, I'm fine" she reassures him.
"It's not that".
"But you are so ready!" she moans, turned on by his hardness below her. Her hands reach his shirt and begin taking it off.
"I said no, for fuck's sake!" Levi grabs her wrists and stops her. "How clearer can I be?"
"I… I'm sorry" she starts tearing up as she gets off of him and sits on the edge of the bed. "I didn't want to pressure you. I just… I don't understand. You don't want me anymore?" she asks, the heartbreak apparent in her voice. "You said we wouldn't stop! That's what you said to Erwin! You didn't mean it?".
Levi sighs. He takes her hand in his and kisses her knuckles with adoration. "I want you. But… maybe we should find better pills. I don't want to risk this happening again to you".
She collapses into his embrace. "The pills are the best, but there's always this possibility" she says. "If you want to be careful, you can try to pull out in time. But there's not much else we can do. I guess it's a matter of luck".
"Then maybe we should stop completely. I'm sorry. I never should have done this to you in the first place".
A thunder breaks through Petra's chest. How can he say that? Their love making made these last couple months the best of her life! And he regrets it?
"Levi! You didn't do this to me, we did it together".
"And what if I get you pregnant again? I don't want to lose another baby".
She stares him in the eye for several seconds. "You mean… you want another baby?"
The silence is almost as painful as her physical wounds. She holds her breath, waiting desperately for his answer.
"I said I don't want to lose another baby. I didn't say I want one" Levi grunts.
"You said 'me too'. Just moments earlier".
"Don't take this out of context".
"What was the context?" she narrows her eyes.
"You said 'if things were different'. Then I'd be happy for a baby".
"The other day, when you said we could leave everything behind, get married, own a teashop and have shitty brats of our own… What did you mean?"
Levi throws his head back. "Tch. It was a stupid joke".
"Was it though? And when Hange said she'd officiate, you said—"
"I only agreed to shut her up. Hange wasn't even serious, so why would my answer be?"
"Is this a game for you?" Petra snaps, a crack audible in her voice. "Are you playing with words?"
"You are obviously tired. We should have this conversation when you are not that upset".
"Fine" Petra gets up from the bed.
"The hell, Petra?" he grips her wrist. "Where are you going?"
"My room".
"Did I ask you to leave?" he glares at her.
"No, you don't have to ask me to leave. I'm doing it on my own. I wasn't aware I needed permission. Am I allowed to leave, captain?"
"Cut the crap and come back here".
"Why? What's even the point if we won't…"
Levi's soft expression is vanished in an instant.
"I see" he averts his gaze from her. "You want to lie down with me only if I'm going to fuck you. Well, that's not happening tonight, so you can get your whiny ass out of here".
And that's exactly what she does.
Her bedroom has never felt lonelier. The bed is too big. It would be a blessing to sleep peacefully and get lost in a beautiful dream, but it just won't happen.
Levi won't sleep with her again. But he still loves her, right? He never said he didn't.
He never said he did.
Ever.
She's sobbing in her pillow when she hears footsteps from the corridor coming closer. She looks up and sees him entering the room and closing the door behind him. Is he there for another round of fighting? No. His eyes search for her with affection.
Petra moves to make space for him. He comes to her bed and lies down beside her. First time he's here, in her room.
"Levi—".
"You do?"
Petra looks at him in confusion, her eyes scanning his face for an explanation. "What?"
His hand covers his face and he sighs. "You want a baby?"
At the early stages of their relationship, Petra's heart fluttered whenever the word 'baby' was on Levi's lips. He wasn't one for cute nicknames, but there were a few rare instances when he forgot his stoic manners and used affectionate words to address his girlfriend.
Now, hearing him say the word 'baby' is vastly different. It doesn't sound cute anymore. It's a burden, something he wants to avoid.
"Levi…" her hand reaches out to caress his jawline. "I'm ungrateful. I have you. I don't need anything else".
He abruptly grabs her wrist and moves her hand away from his face. "I didn't ask if you need a baby. I asked if you want one".
It would be best to say no. To blame her hormones and her poor phycological condition after her hospitalization. Then they'd be back to normal, enjoying their strong love for each other like before.
But she's not the same anymore. And she can't lie to Levi. He deserves the truth, even though it may change everything.
"I thought I didn't want a baby. But I'll be honest with you. Sometimes I caught myself daydreaming about us with a family of our own. A boy with your eyes, a little girl with my hair…" Petra can't help but smile, the picture vivid in her head. "I want you, Levi. All of you. I want to spend the rest of my life by your side, loving you. I want us to get married and have kids and grow old together".
Levi's gaze is locked to the ceiling, expressionless. He slowly lets go of her wrist.
"I know it may sound too much" Petra gives him a kiss on the cheek. "Honey, it's okay if you're not ready yet".
"Don't. Assume. Stuff".
"So… You mean… you are ready?" the question leaves her mouth full of hope.
He turns to look at her. "No, Petra. I mean that I won't ever be".
Surely, he can't mean it! He's still angry. He's just worried about her! He's—
"I'm Humanity's Strongest" Levi raises his voice, his detestation for this title apparent in every muscle on his face. "I have a burden on my shoulders that you could never even begin to understand! It's my duty to give everything to the Survey Corps. I'm not a family man. I thought you knew that".
"I've dedicated myself to the Survey Corps too!" Petra protests. "I care too about saving humanity. But that doesn't mean that we can't start a family!"
"Oh yeah?" he scowls at her. "And who will take care of the baby?"
"My parents can help. W-We can rent a house near the barracks, with enough space for—"
His ironic chuckle interrupts her. "You are out of your mind" he shakes his head from side to side.
"We can work this out. We'll find a way".
"You don't understand, Petra, do you? I'm not going to bring a child into this shitty world. Wall Maria is down. Everything is a mess! Erwin needs me more than ever. I don't have time for babies and family and…"
His words get lost in his deep, breathless sigh. There is no light in the room, but Petra knows exactly his expression.
"We should have discussed this before getting together" he adds in a lifeless tone.
Before getting together. What was life back then? Petra doesn't want to remember that time. She used to cry herself to sleep, trying to push away her romantic feelings for her captain. She was hiding her biggest truth. But after that night in the kitchen, everything changed. The world around her suddenly became colorful. She could tell him all the lovely words that she had kept in her heart for so long. She could capture in her mouth those thin lips that she was dreaming of. And all her nights of fantasy and self-pleasure became something real and wonderful.
She can't go back to who she was before Levi. That scared girl who hesitated to confess her feelings and requested to transfer to a different squad. Her request will be granted tomorrow. But even though she won't be spending much time with Levi, she will never leave his side.
This man means everything to her. And if she has to give up on her new-found dream of a family, so be it. Nothing is more important than Levi.
"It's okay" she takes his face in her hands and starts peppering sweet, warm kisses all over it. He accepts them stoically. "I won't pressure you, Levi".
"No, but you'll hate me".
She winces at that. "I'd never—"
"You will. Eventually. I won't give you what you want. And I can't ask you to sacrifice it".
"What I want is you".
"Yeah. But not only me".
Tears start to fall. "Levi… I'll choose you over anything. It's my choice, okay?"
"I don't want you to choose!" he snaps. "You deserve to have everything".
She's almost afraid to ask. "So… what does this mean for us?"
"There is no 'us' anymore, Petra". He gets up from her bed.
"No, no…" she shakes her head frantically. "Are you… breaking up with me?"
Levi turns his face away. "We want different things. It won't work. It's best not to prolong the inevitable".
"Levi… Don't rush things! Let's… Let's talk in the morning. With clearer heads. Please!"
He doesn't answer. His footsteps bring him to the door. It's a small room, but he feels farthest from Petra than ever.
"It's final" he declares with a hoarse voice. "Goodnight, Petra".
The next morning, her eyes are swollen.
Eld, Gunther and Oluo listen carefully to Levi as he tells them everything. Including their current… situation.
"Honestly, sir…" Eld speaks up after countless minutes of awkward silence. "We should beat you up hard". Gunther and Oluo don't argue with that. "The pregnancy, I understand. It happens" he rubs his temples and after a while he continues: "We all know that you are a good man and you weren't taking advantage of her. But… Leaving her alone after this? That's unforgivable. She needs you now more than ever". His fist lands forcefully on the table, scarring everyone but the captain.
"I don't think I asked for your fucking opinion" Levi hisses. "That's our own decision".
Eld gets up from the chair. "If it was Petra decision too, then why does she look like she was crying all damn night?"
"Who do you think you—"
"Screw you!" Eld storms out of the kitchen and slams the door behind him.
Petra's sobs fill the room. Gunther and Oluo gather around her, squeezing her shoulder, wiping away her tears with a napkin and whispering comforting words.
"Captain? I think you should leave" Oluo says decisively. First time he ever speaks so abruptly to him.
Petra hides her face in her hands. And she hears the sound of Levi's boots on the floor. Walking away.
Hange and her squad arrive on time to pick Petra up. She's in a much better condition, but still…
Nifa waves at her and Petra weakly returns the gesture.
Her horse is all set to go and her few clothes and possessions sit on its back.
Eld, Gunther and Oluo hug her and whisper kind words to her ear:
"Don't be a stranger, sweetheart. Once a shitty brat, always a shitty brat".
"Come visit us any time you want. We'll kick out the captain".
"Take care of yourself, okay?"
The scientist is not in her usual cheerful mood. She gets off of her horse, walks over to Levi and places a hand on his shoulder. "I'll take good care of her" she reassures him.
Levi simply nods and turns around to leave. Without a last look on Petra. But it's okay. Maybe it hurts less this way.
When they are on their way, Hange gives a warm welcome to Petra: "Love, I know it's sad leaving behind your friends and your… eh, significant other" she blushes, "but we'll have a great time together in Hange Squad! You'll see! Hange Squad rocks!"
Petra tries to say 'thank you' but the words just don't come out of her mouth. Hange doesn't pressure her and moves to the front of their formation.
When Nifa catches up with her, Petra turns to her:
"You were right after all".