My dear Lena,
Papa wrote to me about your news! I am very happy for you and I can't imagine how happy you and Elias must be right now, with your family growing! Congratulations!
I can't wait to meet my nephew or niece and spoil him/her.
Take care, okay? Eat well, sleep well, and don't make reckless moves.
It's a blessing to have a baby in you. The baby of the man you love. And even though you can't see it yet, or even feel its kicks, you already adore it.
Papa always said that you'll have a baby before me. I guess that's how things are meant to be.
You'll be so funny with a big bump! It must be a very strange feeling to have a huge belly. Sometimes I put a pillow under my shirt to see how it is. It's difficult to sit down, I'll tell you that!
Is it too early to wish you a second one? I'm sure you have nice plans for the future. I hope they all come true. You are a very lucky woman.
Love,
your sister, Petra
It's not a matter of when, but a matter of how.
They say time heals all wounds, but Petra disagrees. Every night of the past month has been equally painful. She tries finding comfort in her fingers, pleasing herself and pretending she is with Levi. But it's not the same.
The rumors start spreading fast across the Survey Corps.
"How selfish! To want to bring a child into the world, knowing there's a high chance you'll leave it orphaned. And all that to fulfill your own egoistical desire to be a mother!"
When they notice her entering the dining hall, they stop talking, and after a few seconds of awkward stuttering, they change the topic of discussion and try to act casually. But Petra has heard everything. She doesn't want to defend herself or explain that she didn't intend on getting pregnant.
However… she now wants to have a baby with Levi. So, their accusations are valid. That's why Levi didn't want to be with her anymore; she's selfish to want to be both a mother and a soldier.
Petra takes her tray and sits by herself. Usually, Nifa keeps her company, but today she sits at a table full of people and Petra is not in the mood for large groups. Let Nifa have fun. She deserves it after the heartbreak she had.
Petra wishes she could get over her own heartbreak as easily as Nifa had.
Petra may not have the privilege of her own room anymore, but that's good because she doesn't want to be alone.
Nifa never complained that her crying kept her up way past her bedtime. However, Petra feels guilty that almost every night she dissolves into tears. She may need a friend right now, but Nifa needs to sleep. So, she tries to cry silently, hiding her face in the pillow.
"Pet?"
Obviously, she wasn't quiet enough.
"I'm sorry for waking up" she whispers between sobs. "Don't worry about me. Go back to sleep".
"Oh, honey…"
Nifa's arms gather around her. "It's okay. Try not to think about it".
"Nifa, you were absolutely right" she hits the pillow with her fists. "I should have listened to you. Men are pigs! And Levi is the worst of them!"
"Yeah, that's what I told him".
Petra looks up in surprise, forgetting to cry for a few seconds. "You… talked to him?"
Nifa hands her a handkerchief. "Hm… 'Yelled' would be a more accurate verb".
"Did he… did he say anything about me?"
"He didn't say anything at all" Nifa shrugs. "Not even when I slapped him".
Petra gasps. "You did what?"
"You think I'd leave him unpunished after treating you so horribly? I don't care that he's my superior".
After a few silent moments, Petra bursts out laughing and Nifa joins her. It's good to remember what laughing feels like. She hasn't done it in a while.
"Nifa?" she sniffs when the laughter dies out. "I love him".
She squeezes her shoulder. "I know, Pet".
"I really do. And I don't think I'll ever stop".
Normally, two persons sleeping in a single bed would be uncomfortable, but their petite figures manage to fit perfectly. Besides, Petra is used to lying with someone else in a narrow space. Was used to it.
Petra shakes her memories of last night away and tries to focus on literally anything else, when she realizes she hasn't even touched her plate. It's not only that she doesn't have an appetite lately (her slimmer body is proof of that). The food in the barracks never was particularly to her taste.
At times like this, she missed her mother's homemade food. Her delicious vegetable soups, her famous pumpkin pie and her omelet! The Rals weren't rich, so their food was simple. But still, her mother made it special.
Petra wants to change the flavorless porridge in front of her for a homemade meal.
But is it possible that doesn't want only the food from the normal life, but the normal life itself? She could have been like Lena. Now she's more jealous of her than ever.
Tears are falling from her eyes. She doesn't bother to wipe them. The porridge needs a little salt, either way.
"Hey, sunshine! What's up?" Hange asks worryingly as she sits beside her.
"Oh, it's nothing".
"Are you crying over nothing? You are stupider than I thought" she pinches her cheek.
"No, it's just…" Petra chuckles. "I'm not in a good mood".
"Aw, baby! Come here!" she hugs her. "I'm sorry for you. I know you must be missing your boyfriend a lot".
Petra lifts her eyebrows in surprise. "He hasn't told you".
"Hasn't told me what?"
Hange doesn't seem like a person who would entertain herself with gossip. She's probably too busy with her experiments. And Levi is not the type to talk about… well, anything.
"Levi and I are not together anymore" she explains. "Haven't been since the day I left his squad".
"Oh!" Her eyebrows raise in concern. "That's… I'm sorry".
Petra is caught between not wanting her pity and being desperate for some comforting words and maybe a hug. She wonders if it would be proper for them to embrace, but then again, she's already done far more intimate things with a superior officer.
"If you don't mind me asking…" Hange leans in closer. "Why did you break up? You seemed so good together!"
Petra shrugs. She's not in the mood to explain. "I guess we weren't right for each other. We want different things".
Hange gives her an understanding nod. "Okay, you know best. But…" she hesitates. A dark gleam makes its way to her eyes and she lets out a long sigh. "My advice is… if you've found someone special, hold on to him no matter what".
Petra muffles a gasp. "Did… Did you ever have someone special?"
"Once upon a time. We were in the same training batch. But… You know the statistics. Not many return from the expeditions" Hange lowers her gaze.
Petra slowly moves her hand to squeeze Hange's shoulder, but before she makes it, a young messenger girl interrupts their privacy.
"Petra Ral! A lad from the Elite Squad is here to see you. He's waiting in the hall".
Something breaks inside Petra's chest.
He is here.
Why? Can it be possible that he wants to get back together? She has been waiting for this moment so desperately! To be in his arms again and feel his lips against her own.
She's still mad at him, but she'll forgive him. He didn't know what he was saying. He was only afraid. They deserve a second chance.
Petra gets up hurriedly and almost runs to the hall.
She stops before opening the door.
No.
Who does he think he is? To make her suffer like that? And now he expects to mumble a quick apology and everything will be back to how it was? He can't treat her like that!
She opens the door and rushes into the room, her face red from anger.
"Levi, don't—"
And she sees Eld.
"Hi, Pet," he gives her an amiable grin.
She blinks. Without realizing it, she throws herself into his arms. He's stiff at first, but it doesn't take long before he hugs her back.
"Eld! It's so good to see you!" It's a typical phrase, but she truly means it. "What brings you here?"
The blond man lifts his shoulders. "I missed you".
"Aw! I missed you too! All of you! Well… almost". She clears her throat. "Um, but I think there's something more than that, right? You look worried. Have something to tell me?"
He looks at her decisively. "Petra. The captain's not well".
She steps back, as her smile disappears from her face. "I saw him at the general briefing three days ago. He seemed fine".
"You know him better than anyone. You know he doesn't show his feelings".
"Maybe he would if he had any," Petra snorts.
"Pet, yesterday he fainted during training!"
Her cold demeanor breaks, but only instantly. "Is he… Is he sick?"
"Yes, his body has gotten sick. He's a known insomniac, but I don't think he's slept at all the last couple of days. Whenever I get up at night for water, he's always there in the kitchen! At the craziest hours! His body eventually failed him. Even Oluo scolded him!"
"I'm very sorry to hear that. As I would be sorry for anyone going through that. But… what can I do?"
"I'm thinking… maybe it was a hasty decision. When you broke it off. You were just out of the hospital. In a bad emotional state".
"So, it's my fault?" she glares at him.
"I'm not saying that" Eld shakes his head. "But maybe you should consider—"
"I begged him, Eld. Okay? I begged him not to leave me," her voice cracks. "I'm not going to beg again. It was his decision. And now the problems with his health are the result of his decision. He is the one who should reach out first. If he doesn't come to talk to me, I'm not going to".
Petra stands behind his door, hesitant to knock. It's hard to believe that he actually called for her.
Their last conversation was… awkward, to say the least.
It would be out of the question to decline a call from a superior officer. But he's not just that. Petra genuinely wants to hear what he has to say.
She knocks and a brusque 'come in' is heard from inside. She gathers the strength to face her superior and opens the door to find him inside.
"Miss Ral. You are here" he says.
"Commander Erwin" she salutes with her right fist on her heart. "You asked to speak with me?"
The blond man nods for her to sit in the empty chair across his desk. Petra takes a quick glance around the room. Levi spends much time here. He probably sits in the same chair that she is sitting on right now.
"How have you been? Everything alright with your… health?" the Commander asks, trying not to sound too sentimental.
"Yes, sir. Thank you".
He nods. "And your new squad? Have you adjusted?"
"Everyone has been very welcoming. And Squad Leader Hange has treated me in an excellent manner".
"I'm happy to hear that".
Why does he care about her? He's far from heartless, but he and Petra were never really close. Maybe it's out of pity. Or a peculiar sense of obligation to look after his friend's ex. Hange didn't know about the break-up, but Erwin must know. Even if Levi didn't open up to him on his own, the Commander would somehow notice the signs and figure it out.
Petra expects him to speak up after the formal chit-chatting they shared. But she's only met with his silence.
"Am I in trouble, sir?"
He grimaces in confusion. "No, of course not. Why would you be?"
"Then why am I here?"
"Yes, I suppose it's awkward to be called by a superior. The truth is… I've made a big decision and I want you, miss Ral, to be the first to learn".
"Me?" she asks in disbelief. "Why? What's so special about me?"
"You were my inspiration. You convinced me that discipline in the army doesn't exclude attachment".
"I don't understand".
He speaks slowly and clearly. "As Commander of the Survey Corps, I will change the Military protocol. Relationships between soldiers will not be hereby prohibited. Save for a few cases, as in direct commanding".
Petra doesn't speak. She understands where this conversation is going.
Erwin breaks the silence after a few moments: "What do you think about this decision?"
"You want my opinion, sir?"
"If you are willing to share".
She doesn't hesitate. "I think it's a mistake".
Erwin raises his huge eyebrows at that. Maybe he's not used to defiance, but Petra has already shown him that she's not afraid to disagree with him.
"Is Levi behind this?" she continues. "Did he get you to—"
"It's not a very flattering thing to say to a Commander that his actions are based on a friend's love life".
Petra averts her gaze from him. "You're right. Please, forgive me. I didn't mean any disrespect".
"Petra... I will speak openly". He pulls his chair closer to the desk and closer to her. "My best soldier is a mess. Humanity's biggest hope is too weak to walk. And we both know what led him there".
She feels heat rising up her chest. "Commander, I don't—"
"I'm not accusing you" he holds up his hand. "I'm asking for your help. Even if you don't ever end up together again, if there's anything you can do to help Levi get out of this situation and be right to fight again—"
"That's all he is to you?" she shouts as she gets up from her chair. "A killing machine? Captain Levi is a person! And a wonderful one, as a matter of fact! He's so much more than a soldier! Why won't anyone see him for what he truly is? Look past that ridiculous 'Humanity's Strongest' thing? He's also Humanity's Kindest".
She falls back into her chair and hides her face in her hands. Speaking about him was too much. Her heart fluttered when she said his name.
"Everyone expects so much of him. It's not fair," she sighs. "I... I can't be there for him. So please, for my sake, can you help him? Not as Commander, but as a friend. Not because he is Humanity's Strongest. Because he is just Levi".
Something has changed within Erwin's eyes.
"You are right, miss Ral. Please, forgive me for upsetting you".
When she walks back into her room, she breaks down and sits on the floor, her back against the door.
She never realized the weight on Levi's shoulders. It's unfair if everyone only sees you as a warrior. Eventually, maybe now that's the only way Levi can see his own self. A soldier.
Not a partner.
Not a father.