There he is again. The boy with black hair and amber eyes that visits her in her dreams. With a happy smile always on his petite face, that Petra likes to cup.
This time they are sitting in a peaceful meadow, the green grass going on for as far as their eyes can catch. A light breeze tangles Petra's hair and makes the flowers scattered around the two of them dance. They are dressed in petals of all colors, but Petra doesn't dare pick them up. She'd hate for them to die early because of her.
The boy lies in the grass looking up in the sky, his head rested on Petra's thighs, as she runs her fingers through his messy hair.
"Mama?" he looks up at her with these fiery orbs that he has taken after her. "Why aren't you and Papa together anymore?"
She gasps. This place is supposed to be serene, free of any earthly worries. Then, why does that pain still follow her here? She feels the urge to cry, but she doesn't want the little boy to be upset by her tears.
When did her hand freeze? She resumes the caresses on his messy hair. "It's complicated, honey".
"Why is it complicated?" he presses on, the innocence in his voice like an arrow to her heart. "Don't you love him?"
The answer is simple, but she finds it hard to articulate. "I do".
"And he loves you back, right?"
"He does. I think. But… he doesn't know how to handle it".
The boy hums. "We could have been a nice family".
"Papa doesn't want a family, sweetie," Petra hurriedly cuts him off.
"He used to have one," he sits up from her lap and faces her. "I met grandma Kuchel. She's up here with me".
Petra's eyes light up. "Papa has talked to me about her. What is she like?"
"She is very sweet! Papa looks a lot like her!" he giggles. "She has a beautiful singing voice and she has taught me many songs. She used to sing to papa. If she didn't, he couldn't fall asleep".
Petra smiles weakly at that. Sleeping was never easy for Levi.
"She was a wonderful mother," the boy adds. "You would have been too".
This time she can't hold back her tears. She takes the boy in her arms and holds him tightly. "Baby, I'm sorry for not keeping you safe!"
"Mama, don't cry! I'm alright. I'm waiting for you here".
She shuts her eyes and presses him even closer.
When she opens them, she's not in the meadow anymore.
Nifa sleeps on the bed next to her. A dim ray of moonlight breaks into their shared room through the window. When Petra feels the wetness on her cheeks and the emptiness in her embrace, she realizes it. It was only a dream.
Tonight, everyone gets a night off. It's a good opportunity to relax and have fun, but Petra doesn't feel like leaving her bed. She politely declined Nifa's invitation to join her and some other guys for a drink.
"Do you want me to stay with you?" she offers, but Petra insists she doesn't ruin her plans for her.
"I'm sorry if I don't return here for the night," Nifa winks. "I want to have some fun, you know?"
Petra forces a chuckle. "Of course".
"So… You'll have the room all to yourself" she whispers suggestively. "Maybe you can bring in someone".
Petra rolls her eyes at her.
"What? I'm only saying…" Nifa giggles before leaving.
Perhaps she's right. A little excitement would cheer her up and it would distract her from her depressing thoughts.
She needs to get Levi out of her mind. It's hard to reconcile herself with the fact that your first love never lasts forever, but she has to stop being a crying mess.
That's all she's ever been because of Levi, save for a couple months of bliss. Before they got together, she was crying trying to suppress her feelings. And now she sheds tears every day because of how things turned out between them.
It would be best if she never had feelings for him. If she had never kissed him. If she had never felt his warm breath against her skin.
Petra gets up from her bed and looks at herself in the mirror.
Damn, she deserves to be proud once in a while! She's beautiful. No, she's gorgeous! Not even her terrible sleeping schedule or her lost appetite managed to take away her prettiness.
A girl as stunning as her shouldn't be stuck inside on a Saturday night.
She wears her blue dress. The one she was wearing when she and Levi got together. If she managed to claim a man with it, she can do it again today.
She doesn't want to join Nifa and the other soldiers. Tonight, she's not going to be a soldier, but a woman.
Eld, Oluo and Gunther used to talk about a bar outside the barracks. She can try that.
Petra sits on a stool and orders a drink. She's not sure if she's supposed to do something to attract a guy, or if he simply comes on his own. However, she doesn't have to wonder for long, because the stool next to her soon welcomes a handsome young man.
"I've never seen you around here," he notices.
He has blond hair, dreamy green eyes and a cordial smile. She can't tell exactly, because he's sitting, but he must be pretty tall. Maybe as tall as Commander Erwin.
He looks nothing like Levi. Which is exactly what she needs right now.
"It's my first time in this bar," Petra smiles back to him.
"And you are by yourself? It's a pity a beautiful girl like you doesn't have any company".
"I hoped I'd find company here," she admits coyly.
"I think you just did". He offers his hand for a shake. "My name is Sebastian".
"Petra".
He offers to buy her a drink and she doesn't find it in her heart to refuse. He's sweet. He looks her straight in the eye when she talks and he even makes her laugh every now and then. Without being rude or using toilet humor. Unlike somebody else…
The alcohol makes her more relaxed. It's been a while since she had anything other than tea.
She thinks tea is better. Especially that flavor from Acroburg that she used to drink together with—
No! Get a hold of yourself, girl! You have a nice guy in front of you. Stop thinking about… him.
Sebastian notices her troubled expression and asks if everything's alright. It's not, but Petra tells him that it is. She makes an effort to concentrate on what he's saying, and after a while he has her full attention.
She didn't realize when they got that close. They are both leaning in, their faces inches apart. He's certainly good-looking.
Their proximity leads her to bold thoughts. Maybe they could…
Three familiar voices sound from the entrance and interrupt her thoughts.
"Just relax, Captain!"
"That's the best place in town. Now you finally see it for yourself".
"It's not so bad to hang out with us, is it? Told you you needed a break".
Petra's heart jumps up and down inside her chest. Eld, Oluo and Gunther. And along with them… Levi.
All four of them freeze when they see Petra.
She almost wants to wave at them nonchalantly and continue talking with Sebastian as if nothing happened. But she doesn't have the strength to lift her hand. She simply stares back at them.
What a fool! She knew the guys are hanging out here! There was a big chance to run into them. Levi's presence is unexpected though. Maybe she's imagining him? It is possible that she had too much alcohol?
Petra notices the huge dark bags under his eyes. Damn, Eld was right when he said that he fainted. He looks like a ghost, a shadow of himself.
Oluo is the first to speak. They are close enough for Petra to hear.
"Maybe we should go somewhere else?"
"Sure!" Gunther adds. "I heard there's a great place just around the cor—"
"No," Levi commands bluntly. "We. Stay. Here".
He's technically off duty right now, so he can't exactly order them, but it doesn't seem likely that he'll take 'no' for an answer.
"Petra? Is there anything wrong?" Sebastian asks worryingly.
"What? I mean, no! Everything's fine! You were saying…" she urges him to continue talking.
From the corner of her eye, she watches her former squad sitting in a booth.
Sebastian whispers in her ear: "Those guys over there stare at us a lot. Gee! Have we done something?"
"They are just… they, eh… they're acquainta—acquaintances of mine," Petra fumbles her words.
"Oh, I see… The short guy, in particular, shoots me deadly glares".
"No, that's his neutral expression, don't worry. It's his face structure".
Sebastian narrows his eyes. "He looks familiar. Why do I feel like I've—"
"Hey, how about another round?" she lifts her empty glass in a desperate attempt to cut him off. He complies.
It's a wonder he didn't recognize him immediately. Maybe it's the distance or the fact that he's in civilian clothes. Humanity's Strongest is often on newspapers. Petra never really enjoyed reading the press, but recently she's made a habit to buy every issue, in the hopes of seeing again his face, even if it's only a drawing. It's the closest she had to the real thing.
She and Sebastian continue talking. He talks mostly anyway. Petra has to fake a few giggles here and there. It's not that he isn't funny. It's that he is trying to be. Perhaps she should feel flattered by that, but she can't help but think how hilarious Levi is when he slips spontaneous foul-mouthed remarks.
They order another round of drinks and Petra starts feeling dizzy. It would be wise to stop consuming alcohol, but what the hell? It makes her feel good. She deserves to have fun once in a while.
Sebastian is pleasant. His motivation behind his frequent attempts at physical touch cannot be questioned, however Petra doesn't protest when his hands linger on her cheek or when he tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.
"Petra, let's get out of here. Do you want to go for a walk?" he proposes.
She is not sure if she can walk properly. And she is not sure if Sebastian has a specific destination in mind. But one quick glimpse at her former squad's table and into Levi's stormy blue-gray eyes, helps her make up her mind.
"Yes, Sebastian," she smiles.
She nearly trips when she gets off the stool, but Sebastian catches her. His hand doesn't leave her waist as they exit the bar. Only after they are outside does Petra move away from him.
It's obvious that he wants her. His gaze falls on her cleavage too many times to go unnoticed. Surely, he can't be as muscled as… as someone who works in the Scouts. But he has a nice posture and the veins that stick out from his arm indicate that he must work out.
Their stroll leads them by the river. The same place where she and Levi walked by after their first… 'date'. They hadn't called it that and Petra fervently protested to the boys when they suggested such a thing. But now she realizes… it was a date indeed. They certainly were two idiots. And maybe they still are.
"You look even more beautiful under the moonlight," Sebastian says softly and interrupts her thoughts.
Petra merely nods. She appreciates the honeyed words, but she's getting tired of acting more enthusiastic than what she feels.
"We've walked too far," he says. "Time flies easily when you have good company. Are you tired?"
Petra laughs internally. If only he knew she kills titans for living and goes through intense exercise every day.
Before she can answer that she's fine, Sebastian speaks again: "My place is not too far. You can drop by for a drink, if you want".
A drink. As if they didn't have enough already. Sure, that's what he wants.
For a fleeting moment, she's thinking about accepting his offer. The very reason she went out tonight was to get her mind off of Levi. And what better way to do that than sharing with someone else something she has only experienced with him?
But the thought goes away as fast as it came. Petra stops in her tracks.
"Sebastian, I'm sorry. I have to go back to the bar".
"Back? Did you forget something?"
Yes. She forgot her man. She forgot to tell him that she loves him. She forgot to kiss him passionately and sit on his lap and explain to him that he doesn't have to be afraid.
"It's that short guy, right?" Sebastian chuckles, hoping to minimize the awkwardness.
She nods.
It's really uncomfortable to run in these shoes, but she does anyway.
When she goes back to the bar, she only sees Eld and Oluo in the booth.
"Petra! Everything alright?" Oluo asks surprised, while she takes a few moments to catch her breath. "Did that guy do anything—"
"No, everything's fine," Petra says. "Um… Where is… Where is everyone?"
They all know she cares deeply about Gunther, but that's not the one she's asking about.
"A little while after you left, the captain left too," Eld explains. "Gunther insisted to accompany him back to the barracks. We were worried he might faint again".
With a hasty 'thank you', Petra leaves. She needs to see him right now.
She reaches the Elite Squad's base faster than she should have. The blisters on her feet will give her a hard time, but she will deal with them tomorrow.
It's strange how she hasn't been there in a while, but it still feels like home. It will always be. A warm sense of familiarity spreads all over her body, but she doesn't have time to dwell on it, as she runs up the stairs to Levi's room.
Petra stops in front of the closed door. All the decisiveness she gathered seems to have vanished and she remembers a scared girl, not too long ago, in the same place, hesitant to knock on her captain's door. She had a simple request then: to transfer to a different squad.
Now she comes with a request again. But it's more complicated this time. She will ask him to trust her. To trust in their love.
Petra will not be like Erwin. She sees Levi as a man, not as a soldier, and she will help him see his own self in the same way.
She takes a deep breath, knocks twice on the door and walks into his room.
It's depressingly dark and quiet. His faint figure stands in front of the window, looking outside. And his voice is hoarse when he speaks.
"Schultz, get the fuck out of here. Didn't I tell your stupid ass you don't need to worry about anything?"
"Levi?"
His posture suddenly becomes stiff. As if he's too afraid to turn around and face her. But he does.