Petra misses Oluo's stupid jokes.
They weren't funny in the slightest. She would usually roll her eyes at him, or straightforward ignore him. But if only she could hear one of these jokes again…
Petra misses Gunther's gentleness.
He cared for others more than he would admit. Everyone knew they could count on him on the battlefield. He had their backs. If only she had his back as well when everything went wrong…
Petra misses Eld's brotherly hug.
She misses his advice when everything goes wrong. He always knew just what to say. He was the 'link' of the squad, keeping everyone together. He would make an excellent squad leader one day. If only he had more time…
Petra misses how things were.
She misses how typical it felt when she visited the families of her fallen comrades and announced their deaths. She was always distant and formal. She'd done it so many times that watching parents scream in pain for their lost child stopped affecting her after a while. It was expected, part of the process.
But now that she is assigned to visit Gunther's family, it's different. She almost wants to run to Commander's Erwin office and ask him to send someone else.
She can't even admit it to herself, how can she deliver the news to someone else, let alone his family?
But she's a soldier. She needs to be strong. And that doesn't mean she has to be alone.
"Can you come with me, please?" she doesn't hesitate to ask Levi.
Generally, Erwin avoids sending the dead's captain to their family, in order to avoid conflicts and accusations. Levi knows full well that Gunther's parents might blame him for their son's death, but as he takes Petra's hand in his, his eyes convey everything: I'll come with you. I'll be there for you. You don't have to face this alone.
The walk to Gunther's home is silent. He once promised to invite the whole squad for dinner, claiming that his mother makes the best apple pies in the world.
Petra knocks on the door and a middle-aged woman who looks an awful lot like Gunther opens.
"Missus Schultz," Petra salutes with a fist in her heart. She was practicing the words on her way, but she pauses. Her eyes as the same as her son's. She decides not to look her in the eye when she continues: "I'm Petra Ral, soldier of the Scout Regiment. And this is—"
"Captain Levi," the woman fills in. "It's an honor to meet both of you. Gunther speaks about you. Where is he? Did you come ahead? I told him I'd be very glad to cook for his squad, but I needed some kind of notification that you were coming! Oh, Gunther can be so forgetful sometimes!" she giggles.
Petra stands frozen. Most parents by this moment have already understood that their child is dead, solely by the fact that another soldier is visiting them. She knows the feeling of denial too well. She couldn't accept the fact either when Levi told her.
She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. If she speaks, her trembling voice will be unprofessional and it will scare the kind woman in front of her.
"Ma'am, can we please come in?" Levi interjects.
"Of course! Where are my manners?" she laughs while opening the door fully to let them in.
The first thing Petra notices in the living room is a pencil portrait of Gunther as a kid. She wants to shut her eyes and run away. Instinctively, she turns to Levi. His eyes communicate that he wants the same thing. But they will fulfill their duty first.
"Lucas! Come here! We have visitors," the woman shouts and soon footsteps are heard from the corridor. "That's my husband and Gunther's father, Lucas," she introduces the man that walks into the living room. "And you can call me Sandra. How forgetful of me to omit that! I blame Gunther, but I also forget many things too! I guess he took it from me," she giggles.
Petra offers her hand to the man. "Mister Schultz, I am—"
"I know who you are. The ginger girl and the short man," he scoffs. "Where is Gunther?"
Petra drops her arm. "Sir…"
"You two are here, so your squad survived," he growls.
"Lucas! You should be gentle with our guests!" Sandra elbows him.
"Where is Gunther?" he repeats.
A quick exchange of glances between her and Levi, gives her the strength to say what everyone in the room knows by now (even though they won't all admit it).
"Missus and mister Schultz, your son, Gunther, fought bravely during the 57th expedition. I regret to inform you that he didn't make it back. His courageous sacrifice will never be forgotten".
The room drowns in silence. Petra can't tell how long it lasts. It wouldn't be proper to seek Levi's hand right now, but she doubts if Gunther's parents would even notice it. It's like they're not even here.
"Gun—Gunther told you to prank us like that?" Sandra speaks up after a while, trying to smile. "That silly boy should be more considerate of his parents' feelings! He's gonna hear it when he arrives!"
The fact that neither Petra nor Levi respond to that, makes the poor mother fall to her knees and cover her face. Sobs echoed in the living room in a matter of seconds.
When a soldier is to deliver that kind of news, it is highly discouraged to engage emotionally with the family. The order was simple: announce the death and be on your way. It's not your job to comfort anyone or explain.
Yet, Petra knows that this time is different. She will forever hate herself if she doesn't say anything to console her. Her friend's mother deserves that.
"Missus Schultz… Sandra…" Petra kneels next to her. "Gunther was a dear comrade. And friend. I already miss him so much".
Petra reaches out her hand to grasp her shoulder, but Sandra turns away from her.
"I always knew this was going to happen!" she bursts out. "Don't you dare tell me that you miss him! You were seeing him more than I did! And I was his mother! His freaking mother! Do you understand what that word means! So, stop trying to sympathize with me, because you don't know how it feels to lose a child!"
As if he can telepathically sense her emotions, Levi casts her a worrying look.
A part of Petra wants to protest. She knows. She has grieved about a child. Despite that she wasn't aware at the moment, she was a mother once.
But a bigger part of her just watches silently as the woman in front of her hides her face in her arms. Her cries pierce Petra's ears.
She didn't watch a child grow. She didn't raise a child for years, as Sandra had. She feels it's unfair to compare herself to a mother with so many memories and so much experience. It's devastating to imagine that all the pain she felt, all those lonely nights in her room when she mourned and cried, are nothing next to the grief that Sandra will go through. That all the mothers she visited went through.
Petra never mourned a person. She mourned an idea.
She humbly lowers her gaze to the floor. "You are right, ma'am. I don't know how that feels".
It's unsettling to realize that your pain is not as important as someone else's. It makes you feel stupid for crying. Undeserving.
After a few moments, she feels Levi's breath against her hair, as he whispers: "We should head back".
"Wait, captain," mister Schultz speaks up for the first time since Petra broke the news. His voice is hoarse, painted with bitterness and hostility. "You two were on the same squad as Gunther. Why did you survive? Shouldn't you be dead too?"
Petra flinches. "Sir…"
"Mister Schultz, Petra Ral is not on my squad anymore," Levi takes over. "She was transferred months ago, due to unrelated reasons. She was elsewhere during the expedition. And as for me… You are right. I was your son's captain. I was responsible for him. Apart from reassuring you that I did everything in my power to keep him, Oluo and Eld safe, I can only offer you my sincerest apologies and condolences. They knew the risks and yet they chose to fight for humanity. Gunther Schultz was personally hand-picked by me. He was a great asset to my team and a hero for humanity. We were both honored to work with him. Now, please excuse us. We are needed back at the barracks".
Without waiting for a response from Gunther's parents, Levi nods at Petra to follow him outside.
"Thank you for coming with me," Petra says. It's the only thing either of them utters on their way home.
It takes great strength not to collapse on the street and start sobbing. A soldier publicly crying her eyes out. What could be more humiliating? But the Scouts have already been ridiculed enough by the civilians. Petra won't give them the pleasure.
In the current state of her mind, she has lost every sense of location and direction. She can't remember which way to go or if any road looks familiar. She only follows Levi, trusting completely that even if he gets lost, she will be safe with him.
Petra doesn't know when the night lamps on the streets turned on or when did the moon and the stars appear in the sky.
Before she parts ways with Levi, Petra takes a careful look around. When she is sure that no one is watching them, she places a quick kiss on Levi's cheek, whispers 'goodnight, baby' and turns around to leave.
Levi grasps her elbow. "Where do you think you are going?"
"To… my room?" Petra offers the only possible answer, lifting her eyebrow in confusion.
"You told me not to leave you alone tonight," he gently pulls her closer. "Come and sleep in my room".
She sighs as she buries her face into his neck. "Oh, Levi… People already talk enough about us".
"What do you mean?"
"What if someone sees us?"
"Screw them," he leans in and their lips clasp together. "Screw me," he adds in a lower tone.
They walk hand in hand to the Elite Squad's base. It's heart-wrecking how empty and cold it feels. Petra tries not to think about it and instead focuses on the warmness of Levi's bare body against her own.
"Petra?" he whispers gently while he's on top of her.
His worried look makes her stop unbuttoning his shirt. "Something wrong?"
"No, just…" his gaze wanders off as he's calculating his next words. "About what Gunther's mother told you earlier… I wanted to tell you that one person's pain doesn't make yours less painful," he says, his voice sounding comforting and surprisingly wise. "You can mourn and grieve all you want, for anyone you want, without her permission. Your feelings are your feelings. No one gets to dictate them".
The intense light in his eyes sends a wave of affection to her soul. She rolls their bodies and ends up on top of him, hugging him fervently. Not wanting to let go.
"Thank you," she says with her mouth pressed to his chest.
Levi runs his fingers through her fiery, messy hair. "I'm only telling the truth".
She resumes unbuttoning him slowly, leaving soft kisses in every inch of skin that is gradually revealed. Her name is on his lips. His eyes are shut. His breathing gets heavier.
When she finishes with the shirt, she starts unbuckling his belt.
"Wait," he says and sits up.
Why do they have to wait? Panic momentarily starts rising in Petra's chest as she remembers the last time Levi stopped her from undressing him. However, a kiss from Levi on her flushed cheek makes her worries go away. He loves her.
"Maybe you should stop taking those pills," he cups her face.
Petra gasps, knowing full well exactly what kind of pills he's talking about.
"Don't worry, they don't have side-effects on me," she reassures him.
"That's not why I'm suggesting this. I'm saying that, if you want, we can make a baby here and now".
Petra's breathing stops. She wants to say so many things that her head almost explodes. Incoherent mumbling comes out of her mouth.
Levi pulls her closer. "Would that make you happy? Is this what you want?"
Of course, she wants to have Levi's child. Of course, she wants to become a mother and start a family with the man of her dreams.
Another version of herself would jump on the opportunity, but this Petra has been through a lot these past few months. She knows better than to let her overexcitement take over.
"Levi, thank you for suggesting that!" she beams happily at him. "It shows that you really care about me and my needs. I want to have a family with you more than anything else in the world!"
Satisfied with her answer, he captures her mouth in a deep kiss and his hand goes under her shirt.
"Hold on, I didn't finish!" she blushes. "Someday we will have children. But I don't think right now is the best time to actively try. We've got all of our future ahead. There's no need to rush," she caresses his face. "If it happens, it happens. But I think now we should focus more on each other. I appreciate that you want to make me happy. But a baby won't distract me from my pain about the boys' deaths. I must go through this. All I need from you is to be here".
He kisses her softly. "I am here".
When the morning comes, Levi is already awake. Petra wonders if he had any sleep at all.
She watches him getting dressed and she pretends this is a routine morning in their home. He'll give her a kiss before they go to work, and when they return, they'll have a lazy afternoon. They'll make love again and every night and she will always wake up next to him.
When a gleam of sunlight falls on her face through the window, Petra is brought back to reality. They don't live together, like an established couple. But they will make the best of the time that they have.
"Fuck," Levi mutters while looking down at his cravat.
Petra sits up and yawns, startling him. "What is it?"
"Sorry. Woke you up?"
"No, I've been awake for a while now. I've been looking at you getting dressed," she explains with a smirk on her lips. She enjoys feeling naughty.
"Spying, aren't we?" he gives her a half-smile. "And here I thought you liked watching the opposite procedure. When I'm taking my clothes off".
"You are a pleasant sight on the eyes whatever you do, captain," she emphasizes his title, earning a playful grin, that soon fades and gives way to a troubled expression. "What happened, Levi?"
"Nothing. Eh… That's not my cravat. One of the shitty brats must have mixed up the laundry".
Petra wants to laugh. How can he tell the difference? All the cravats are the same.
"It's Oluo's," Levi states under his breath.
And then Petra remembers everything. And she doesn't want to laugh anymore.
Her comrade's annoying habit of mimicking the captain always got on Petra's nerves, but right now she misses even that too.
Petra gets up, walks to Levi and sits on his lap. Her fingers touch the white fabric that's tied around his neck. "I can take it and drop it by the eastern quarters. I'm sure they didn't send the package with his belongings to his family yet".
"No. It's only a cravat. No one will care about it".
Levi doesn't take it off.
Petra then starts getting dressed herself. It takes her fifteen minutes to zip her boots.
For a moment, she's under the impression that they will go downstairs and have breakfast with the boys.
She misses those breakfasts.
And as time goes by, she misses more things.
She even misses the times when they thought that the Titans were their one, true enemy.
"All this time… I've been killing people," Levi mutters under his breath, his coarse voice filled with embarrassment and disappointment.
Petra squeezes his hand and rests her head on his shoulder. Seeing Erwin with only one arm had already messed up his psychology. But now the realization, that the supposed monsters they were fighting had been humans like them once, is unbearable.
"Levi—"
"And I bragged about it! I even had a title for it! I dedicated all my life to this purpose! And I trained you to do the same."
"You didn't know. None of us did," Petra whispers in his ear as she gently rubs his knuckles. "We don't even know yet if it's true".
Levi seems untouched by her words of comfort. He makes a 'tch' sound, gets up and kicks his chair. Petra has only met this wildness in his eyes outside the Walls.
"I thought I had escaped the underground. I thought I wasn't a criminal anymore," he groaned in frustration. "I wore the wings of freedom. A law-abiding citizen. A hero. But I never changed who I am. I'm still a murderer. Always was, always will be".
Petra feels a mortifying stab in her heart. This is her boyfriend. The man she loves and he loves her back. She knows how affectionate he can be. He has held her in his arms. Levi is not a murderer. How can he think that? It brings tears to Petra's eyes.
"That's not true! Stop talking like that".
"You know what Erwin did when he found out? He smiled! The bastard smiled! Like it was a joke. I felt like throwing up. All the vomit in the world wouldn't be as disgusting as his reaction. But what's even more disgusting is me. I thought I was fighting to kill monsters, but I was only murdering people".
Petra hugs him from behind, nuzzling against his nape. The spot that has always been the killing aim now is the receiving point of her loving kisses.
"Levi? You didn't fight to kill Titans," she whispers, tightening her grasp. "You fought for humanity's freedom. Every action you took has brought us closer to the truth. And now we are closer than ever!"
She unlocks her arms around him and makes him turn around and face her.
"I didn't know you when you lived underground, okay? But I know you now. And my boyfriend is not a murderer, you hear me? Don't you ever think like that!"
Levi sighs. "I'm not thinking. It's a fact. I killed humans. And I will do it again if I have to. If it comes to defending myself or the ones I care about, I'll still cut through their napes".
Petra knows that. She wants to scream at Levi for thinking he's a murderer. To yell at him like she's never yelled at anyone.
But he doesn't need that right now. Petra pulls him in for a hug. He slightly resists at first, but her sweet gestures make him give in.
"Love…" she rests her forehead against his. "It's not you who killed them. The ones who turned them into titans. They are the ones to blame. A titan's life has already ended. And you didn't do this". She leaves a wet kiss on his cheek. "It's not your fault, okay? Not for all those titans you killed, not for Gunther, not for Eld and Oluo, not for anyone. Okay?"
Levi lets out a long breath as he closes his eyes and leans in. "Okay," he eventually whispers calmly after a few quiet moments.
Petra tries to give him a faint smile. "If anything, you did titans a favor. You ended their suffering. They'd want you to kill them," she squeezes his tense shoulder. "If I turn into a titan, I want you to kill me," she adds in a lower tone.
Her request startles him and he draws back instantly. The steady resolve in her eyes doesn't leave him room to protest. Deep down he knows he can't argue with that.
"Let's hope it never comes to that," he says. "But absolutely kill me if that happens to me. I deserve it anyway. For killing so many people. It would only be fair".
The urge to shout at him overwhelms her. "Levi, don't blame yourself! You didn't know".
"Does this make any difference? Whether I knew or not, the result is that people died because of me, okay? That's on me".
"Don't say that, please. Someone died because of me, because I didn't know I was…"
She stops. Can she really find the courage to say out loud what she thinks? She knows she can tell Levi anything, but she's not sure if she can make her own self hear this.
"Hey…" Levi places his hand on her shoulder.
Petra takes a deep breath and pushes the words out of her. "I didn't know. And I was hard on myself. You know how many times I have wondered what would life be today if back then I knew I was pregnant? And if I hadn't been so reckless? But I've made peace with myself. I can't feel guilty forever for losing the baby. I can't change what happened".
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that it's your fault that—"
"I know. I'm just letting you know that you are not the only one with that burden on your shoulders. We do our best with whatever knowledge we have at the moment. And we hope it's enough".
They stare into each other's eyes lovingly. They both find peace in each other. Levi makes that soft expression he only reserves for her, and Petra is sure he will kiss her. But then a faint voice interrupts them.
"Excuse me?"
They turn around to see a beautiful young woman with a baby in her arms. Petra would be pissed if anybody else intervened during this personal moment between her and Levi, but she can't bring herself to feel any negative emotion towards her.
"Captain Levi? Miss Ral? I don't know if you remember me from the—"
"Melanie!" Petra recognizes the young woman. She may have only seen her once before, but she had heard about her 'soft, long hair and emerald, bright eyes' a million times.
Levi nods. "Of course we remember you".
Her baby coos in the woman's embrace, and she rocks it left and right. "Hush, honey! Be a good boy".
Petra takes the opportunity to notice the infant. His thick blond hair. His sharp brown eyes. Petra has looked into them countless times.
There's no doubt that he's the son of Eld Jinn.
The girl speaks kindly: "Captain, I'm sorry if this is not a right time for you—"
"Miss Melanie, I will always have time for you. Your fiancé was my second in command. I can't even begin to describe his importance in our squad. It's the least I can do to honor his memory. Please, never hesitate to reach out".
Petra has seen Levi's soft side more times than anyone, and yet she is moved by it.
"Thank you very much, captain," Melanie says.
"The military will always be in your service, miss. Raising a child alone is hard, no doubt".
"He is a very beautiful boy," Petra's eyes shine as she steps closer and leans in to take a closer look at the baby in Melanie's arms. "What's his name?"
His mother beams with pride at the compliment. "It's Eld," she answers.
The gleam in Petra's eyes is unavoidable. With one finger, she brushes the baby's few hairs. "Hey, Eld! Nice to meet you!" she whispers.
"I know very well that a profession in the military keeps you both very busy. But I was wondering…" Melanie clears her throat. "Eld is going to be christened in a few weeks. His father should have been here. But since he isn't… You know, he used to talk about you all the time. And Gunther and Oluo. I read about all of you in his letters. I feel like I already know you well".
"The feeling is mutual," Petra says warmly. "Eld was very proud of you".
"I believe that if you attend the ceremony, it will be like a part of Eld is still here. Maybe it's too much to ask, but… would you consider becoming little Eld's godmother and godfather?"
Petra gasps in amazement. "Melanie! That's… That's a huge honor! Thank you".
The mother of the baby shakes her head. "No, no. It would be our honor. I know Eld would want that if he were here. Again, I understand if you are busy and don't have time for—"
"It will be our pleasure, miss," Levi says decisively.
After Melanie expresses her sincerest gratitude and shares the details about the christening's date, time, and place, Petra doesn't hesitate to half-hug her from the side, as best as she can hug a woman who's holding a baby.
Melanie thanks them again. She takes the baby's hand and waves it. "Eld, time to say bye-bye to your godparents".
Petra waves back and Levi nods.
Melanie grasps the baby tighter and turns around to leave.
"If it's not too much to ask…" Levi's words stop her before she can go too far.
The woman turns around and gives him a reassuring nod, urging him to complete his question.
Levi seems anxious. So unusual. "Did you and Eld ever think about… you know, how you could make it work? Parenting. With Eld being in the military, I mean".
Petra's heart stops for a few seconds. The genuine interest in Levi's voice means everything to her. His devotion to her and to their future is not to be doubted.
"Did you ever discuss with Eld how would he make it possible to be a scout and a father at the same time?" Levi adds.
"We, um, we didn't exactly plan the pregnancy," Melanie says. "But having children one day was something we both wanted for the future. I wouldn't ask Eld to leave the military. I know that it was essential to his character and that he had an important role in your squad, captain".
"Please, call me Levi".
"As you wish, Levi. You should call me Melanie. And… it may be just my opinion, but… I don't think there's only one correct way to go about combining the military and parenting". Her baby whimpers in her embrace and she calms him down. "I'm sure this little guy would be very proud of his father. As any kid with a father heroically serving humanity".
Petra by now has often thought about how Eld would make an excellent squad leader. Now, she also thinks that he would make an excellent father.
And maybe Eld Junior and the raven-haired boy from her dreams would have been great friends.