Opening Montage
Music: "I'll Be There For You" by The Rembrandts
First, we see Quinn and her husband, Jim, driving a moving van toward New York City. This is followed by a shot of the Carbones and Ruttheimers having a joyous reunion in front of a new house on Long Island. Next, we see Quinn and Daria walking in Central Park. Quinn throws some popcorn to some happy, hungry squirrels. Daria does the same thing, but the squirrels run from her as if she were a monster. Next, we see Jim and Chuck talking with some neighbors. Afterwards, we see Quinn and Stacy mingle at a party while Daria and Jane stand off to the side and make snarky comments. Next, we see Daria and Quinn on the beach at Coney island. A bunch of studly guys start chatting up Quinn. When a fight breaks out both Quinn and Daria look dismayed. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Daria walking down the street. As someone is mugged in front of them Quinn is about to interfere until Daria dissuades her. Next, we see Quinn and Jim on a double date with Daria and a guy. The guy pays more attention to Quinn than Daria. This makes Jim visibly jealous. When a fight breaks out, both Daria and Quinn smirk that famous Mona Lisa smile. After this, we see a pink background with both Quinn and Daria's heads in a circle. Below them is the following caption...
Daria and Quinn
in
"The Musician's Daughter"
written by
WildDogJJ
Act I
Middleton, Delaware, 2013...
In Middleton was a dive bar called "Wackjob's" that was a popular hangout with the students at Middleton College. It was Friday night and the place was packed. On stage were Trent, Jessie, Max and Nick. Trent walked up to the microphone.
"We're Mystik Spiral, but we're eventually gonna change the name."
With that, the band started to play. Trent sang into the microphone.
"You're the cause of an itch I can't scratch
Being a bitch, my heart you snatched
You're controlling and cold
You're making me old
You're a mega-bitch, in case you haven't been told"
Continuing to play, both Nick and Jessie came up to the microphone to sing the chorus with Trent.
"Mega-bitch
It's what you are
Mega-bitch
You're love leaves a scar
Mega-bitch
Make me wanna die
Drive me so crazy I wanna shoot out my eye"
As the half-assed song continued the audience got into it. A pair of nineteen-year-old girls, one brunette and one blond, were particularly mesmerized.
"That's soooo deep," said the blond, "I can totally feel his pain."
"Yeah," added the brunette, "And he's cute!"
On stage Jessie blazed into a shredding guitar solo. The brunette was mesmerized as this was before Jessie started losing his hair and gaining weight.
"Beth" said the blond, "you okay!"
Visibly entranced, Beth said "I'm in love!"
Soon, the band was wrapping up the song.
"Mega-bitch
Making me die"
With that, the song ended. Now the blond was entranced, which beth noticed.
"Hey, Laura," asked Beth, "You okay!"
Laura said "Now I'm in love!" as she stared longingly at Trent.
On stage, Jessie tapped Trent on the shoulder.
"Dude, that blond chick is totally checking you out."
Trent looked in the direction Jessie was pointing and saw both Laura and Beth. He smiled at Laura, causing her to blush.
Later...
The band were seated at the bar. Trent and Jessie were each having a beer while Nick and Max were arguing.
Max said "Dammit, Nick, you missed a note on the third song!"
"What's the big deal?" said Nick, "It was just one note!"
"What if there was a record exec in the audience, dude!?" Max retorted, "We could've FINALLY hit the big time but then you screwed it up!"
"HEY!" Nick shouted, "It's not my fault we never moved up from the regional club circuit!"
Max said "Well, maybe if you hadn't ditched us in Mirage and put the whole band on a five-year hiatus."
Nick shouted "DON'T YOU DARE BLAME MY GETTING MARRIED AND STARTING A FAMILY FOR YOUR LACK OF TALENT!"
Trent tried to intervene. "Um...guys..."
"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DITCHED US FOR HIS CHICK!" Max yelled.
"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO THINKS HE'S SID VICIOUS, ASSHOLE!" Nick fired back.
"Um...guys..." said Trent.
Max punched Nick. When Nick punched back Trent just sighed, knowing the only way the spat would end now was with them beating each other senseless until they calm down and have some bury-the-hatchet drinks. It was at this point that Beth and Laura approached. Laura immediately spoke to Trent.
"Dude, that was an awesome set!"
"Thanks" said Trent with a slight smile.
Laura said "That last song you played, Mega-Bitch, was so deep! I really felt the pain in those lyrics, it was sooo visceral!"
Trent replied "Yeah, it's about a really bad relationship I had a few years ago. Glad you liked the song."
Extending her hand, Laura said "My name's Laura, by the way. Laura Carson."
Trent shook her hand. "Trent Lane."
Meanwhile, Beth was flirting with Jessie.
"Those guitar solos were off the hook!"
Seemingly not paying any attention, Jessie said "Cool."
Sensually running a finger down Jessie's arm, Beth said "I think guitarists are sooo hot!"
Jessie's reaction was limited to a detached uttering of "Cool."
Laura was having more luck with Trent.
"So" said Trent, "You're a student at Middleton."
Nodding, Laura said "Yep. You go to college?"
Trent shook his head. "Nah, my whole adult life's been music."
"That's awesome," said Laura, "You aren't afraid to focus on your dream."
Trent sighed. "I'm thirty-eight. I was sure I'd be a huge rock star by now."
Winking, the nineteen-year-old Laura said "I like older men, especially ones with an artistic side."
Trent smiled. "You're pretty cool, Laura."
Laura blushed.
Outside, a few hours later...
The Tank was rocking violently. Laura's voice could be heard coming from inside.
"OH...YES...TRENT...YES...OHGODTRENT...BABY...GIVEITTOME...YES...YES...YES..."
Pretty obvious what Trent and Laura are up to, isn't it?
Glenville, NY, 2021...
In the Long Island suburb of NYC a now forty-five year old Trent was sitting alone in the small one bedroom apartment that he now called home, practicing on his guitar. As Trent strummed on his acoustic guitar he sang the following...
"All alone
In my home
No love
To call my own
Drinks and fights
Most nights
That's what it means
To be alive
Rockaholic,
That's what I am
Rockaholic,
Not a slow jam
Rockaholic,"
Trent suddenly stopped playing.
"What rhymes with jam?"
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Trent ignored it as he tried to come up with the next line.
"Ham?" He shook his head. "Nah." He continued to think as the ringing became more frantic. "Sam? Do I even know anyone named Sam?"
As the ringing continued Trent finally put down his guitar.
"Maybe I need a break?"
He then got up and went to the front door. He opened it to find an eight-year-old girl standing there. She was the spitting image of Jane at that age. She was wearing a filthy shirt with holes in several places, her jeans were in a similar state of disrepair and her sneakers were worn through the soles.
"You Trent Lane?" asked the girl.
"Yeah" said Trent, "Um, Who are you?"
Alyssa offered Trent a piece of paper.
"My name's Alyssa...Alyssa Carson. My Mom told me to give this to you when she dropped me off."
Trent took the note and read it.
Dear Trent, aka Deadbeat Asshole,
You ruined my life, you piece of shit! You'd better remember me after what you did, but in case you don't my name's Laura Carson. In 2013 we met when your band played at Wackjob's in Middleton. He hit it off and spent most of the night getting busy in that piece of shit van you guys drove. I can't believe I let you do me without a condom when I wasn't on the pill. YOU PIECE OF SHIT, YOU GOT ME PREGNANT! The baby I had nine months later is the girl who gave you this note! I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL, YOU WOMANIZING ASSHOLE! After putting my life on hold for eight-plus years I've decided that enough is enough. Alyssa's your daughter! SHE'S YOUR PROBLEM NOW, JERK!
I hope you rot in Hell for ruining my life,
Laura
In wide-eyed, open-mouthed shock, Trent said "Whoa!"
He then looked at Alyssa and gasped in the realization that this girl was his daughter. Trent looked at the note again, then again at Alyssa.
"Um...Do you know what this note says?"
Alyssa said "Yes...Dad."
Trent fainted from the shock.
Casa Carbone, later...
Daria was seated in the living room with Quinn's triplet sons Tommy, Timmy and Teddy. They were watching TV. On the TV screen was an image a man surrounded by hordes of children of every race and ethnic group imaginable. The man was horrified.
"They found him, and now he has to pay child support to a woman in every country on Earth. The Traveling Deadbeat Dad, next on Sick, Sad World!"
"Well," said Daria, "That's original." After a pause, she added "Wait! No, it isn't."
At this point, Quinn entered the living room. She shook her head in disappointment.
"Daria, what did Jim and I tell you about letting the boys watch Sick, Sad World!?"
Daria was about to answer, but Teddy beat her to it.
"That it's junk TV that'll ruin our minds." Pointing to Tommy and Timmy, he added "Though my brothers don't have minds to ruin."
Daria smirked. "I like the way you think."
Tommy and Timmy were too engrossed by the TV to realize that both their aunt and brother had just dissed them.
Seeing this, Teddy said "I rest my case."
Ignoring Teddy, Quinn said "You know, Daria, if you ever have kids of your own I'll do whatever it takes to get them hooked on Fashionvision. See how you like it."
Daria said "Yet another reason I'll never have kids." After a pause, she added "That and the fact that Teddy's pretty much the only kid who doesn't wanna make me take a toaster into the bathtub."
Rolling her eyes, Quinn said "God, could you possibly be any more morbid!?"
"As a matter of fact" said Daria, "yes."
"You know" said Quinn, "you could easily get a man if you didn't say everything you think."
Daria said "The scary thing is I don't."
At this point, the door bell rang.
"I'll get it" said Quinn as she made her way to the front door. It was Trent.
"Um, Hey, Daria's Sister."
Rolling her eyes, Quinn said "You know my name."
Trent said "Yeah, but I prefer Daria's sister. Calling you Quinn reminds me of the time we hooked up after you dumped that football guy for not going pro."
"Ix-nay, Trent" said Quinn in a harsh tone.
Puzzled, Trent asked "What? Jim knows, and he's okay with it because it happened before you met."
"Two things," said Quinn, "One, yes, Jim knows, but my kids don't and I want them to go their whole lives believing I stayed a virgin until mine and Jim's wedding night. Two, the fact that we hooked up after a few too many drinks is something I like to pretend never happened." Quinn then decided to change the subject. "Why are you here, anyway?"
Trent said "Um, It kinda has to do with my sexual history. I need to talk to Daria."
Quinn raised an eyebrow. "You and Daria never hooked up."
"I need her advice about something" said Trent.
It was at this point that Alyssa emerged from out of sight. Quinn gasped upon seeing the little girl's uncanny resemblance to Jane.
"Um, yeah," said a sheepish Trent, "Some girl I hooked up with years ago kinda left her at my place."
Quinn was speechless as she stared at the daughter no one knew Trent had.
The kitchen, a short time later...
While the kids played video games in the next room the adults (Daria, Quinn, Jim and Trent) were having a discussion.
"So, let me get this straight," said Daria, "Nine years ago you hooked up with a college student at one of your gigs and she just dumped the result of that night at your place."
Nodding, Trent said "Yeah, and I don't know what to do about it."
Rolling her eyes, Quinn said "Duh, Trent, she's your kid! Pretty much a no brainer."
Trent said "Yeah, but being a dad kinda cramps my style."
Jim said "Which you should've thought of before going bare back with a college student that you'd just met. Trent, you should consider yourself lucky this woman isn't shaking you down for eight years worth of child support."
"If Alyssa's my daughter" said Trent.
Daria said "Well, let's see. One, her mother is someone you hooked up with. Two, she's the right age if said hookup resulted in a pregnancy. Three, she looks like a prepubescent clone of your sister and those genes had to come from somewhere."
"Um, That doesn't prove anything" said Trent, who was clearly hoping the child isn't his.
"I hate to admit it" said Jim, "but he's got a point. I mean, if Quinn died her hair blond she'd be a dead ringer for the Playmate Sara Jean Underwood. It doesn't mean they're related. Still, there are too many other coincidences. Trent, Alyssa's the daughter of a woman you hooked up with and she's the exact age of a child who would've resulted from said hookup. It's not conclusive, but the evidence so far does point to you being Alyssa's father."
"While we're on the subject," said Quinn, "Why'd you come here instead of going to Jane with this?"
Trent said "Because you guys are close and I really didn't feel like driving to the city."
Daria, Quinn and Jim all frown at Trent in a manner similar to a teacher frowning at a lazy student.
"Look" said Daria, "my advice is this. First off, get a paternity test to determine if the child really is yours. We can decide what to do once we know that for sure."
Trent was visibly nervous as he'd secretly hoped they'd just take Alyssa off his hands.
"Um, listen, I was also hoping she could stay with you guys."
"Excuse me!" said Quinn.
Trent said "Well, you and Jim already have three kids. What's one more?"
Rolling his eyes, Jim said "Trent, Alyssa's your responsibility."
"But what if she's not my daughter?" asked Trent.
Daria said "Be that as it may, the girl was dumped on your doorstep."
Trent said "But you've all seen my place."
The other three sighed as Trent did have a point there.
"Fine," said Jim, "Alyssa can stay with us for now."
Added Quinn "But YOU have to schedule the paternity test!"
Trent sighed. "Aw, man! Can't someone else do it?"
The scowls from Daria, Quinn and Jim made it clear that the answer was no.
"AW, MAN!" said a disappointed Trent.
Act II
Casa Carbone, day...
Teddy's room did not look like an eight year old boy's room. There was a bookshelf with literature that's way more advanced than one would expect a child to be interested in, a second shelf with scientific equipment (microscope, chemistry set and models of the human anatomy for study) and on the wall were posters of famous literary authors and even animal diagrams. In short, it's like Daria's old room in Lawndale minus the padded walls.
Teddy, Alyssa and Rachel White (Jamie and Nicole's daughter) were sitting on the bed watching TV. On the TV screen was a little boys with a blood soaked butcher knife and an evil grin standing over the eviscerated corpses of his parents.
"What happens when you don't give junior what he wants? Murder, that's what! The Pre-Teen Psychopath, next on Sick, Sad World!"
As the TV cut to a commercial the kids made conversation.
"So" said Rachel, "you're really Mr. Lane's daughter?"
Nodding, Alyssa said "Well, according to my mom I am."
Teddy said "Given your uncanny resemblance to Mrs. O'Connel I'd say the odds are stacked pretty heavily in favor of Mr. Lane being your biological father."
"Who?" asked Alyssa.
"Mr. Lane's sister," said Rachel, "She and my mom are business partners. You look like a kid version of her. She's pretty cool."
Teddy explained "Apparently, Alyssa's mom got tired of being a parent and dumped her on the guy who knocked her up. She's been staying in Aunt Daria's room since then."
"Why aren't you staying with your dad?" asked Rachel.
Alyssa said "Have you seen his place!? It's a dump."
Added Teddy "And if Mr. Lane's too lazy to do a little house cleaning then he's probably too lazy to keep an eye on an eight year old girl. Personally, I think he's hoping we'll keep Alyssa so he won't have to take on any parenting responsibilities."
"Story of my life," said Alyssa in a bitter tone, "My mom can't be bothered to do anything but party like she's still a kid herself. Granted, it's benign neglect, but it's still neglect." Alyssa looked sad. "I'm surprised by how attentive your parents are, Teddy."
Teddy said "Much to my annoyance. I wouldn't mind some benign neglect."
Rachel stifled a giggle, but felt guilty upon seeing the sad look on Alyssa's face. "Sorry."
Alyssa sighed. "It's okay."
Teddy and Rachel were visibly amazed to find another kid who's on their wavelength. Granted, Teddy and Rachel are like miniature adults because that's just how they are while Alyssa's clearly like that because her life situation has forced her to grow up fast. Because of this, Teddy and Rachel also felt bad for her. It was at this point that they heard the door bell ring.
Meanwhile, downstairs...
Quinn was answering the door, and not at all surprised to see that it was Jane.
"I just got a VERY interesting phone call from Trent," said the artist, "So, where are you hiding this alleged niece of mine?"
The kitchen, a short time later...
Daria, Quinn, Jim, Jane and Alyssa were seated at the kitchen table. Jane and Alyssa were struck by just how much they resembled each other.
"Yep" said Jane, "she's a Lane, alright."
"Sorry I didn't tell you," said Daria, "I was hoping Trent would, and it looks like he didn't disappoint...for once."
Without missing a beat, Jane said "Yeah, I think it's the first time he did something without one of us having to plant a boot in his ass first."
Not for the first time in her adult life Daria silently thanked whatever force created the universe that her high school crush on Trent never actually led to anything.
"So," said Jane, "Trent knocked up some woman at one of his gigs and now said woman has dumped the kid on him."
"Looks that way" said Jim.
Added Quinn "We're waiting for a paternity test to make sure."
Said Jim "Assuming he got off his lazy ass and actually scheduled the test, that is."
"In the meantime" said Quinn, "Alyssa's staying here because Trent's place is hardly suitable for children."
Added Daria "I think Trent's hoping we'll take the kid off his hands."
"In which case" said Jim, "he's in for a major letdown."
Turning to Alyssa, Jane asked "So, what was your life like before this?"
Alyssa said "Oh, nothing unusual. I'm sure it's perfectly normal for mothers to ignore their kids until they get so fed up that they dump you on the doorstep of a guy who may or may not be your father."
"Sounds like my childhood," said Jane, "Granted, none of us were ever actually abandoned, but we did have to raise ourselves. Your grandparents were so detached from reality that half the time I don't think they even remembered that they had children." After a brief pause, Jane added "Yep, definitely a Lane."
Alyssa visibly found that to be cold comfort.
A doctor's office, a few days later...
Trent and Jane were seated in front of a desk in a doctor's office. The doctor, a balding man with gray hair and glasses, sat behind the desk and was looking at the results of the paternity test.
"Where's Alyssa?" asked Jane.
Trent said "The Carbone's place."
Jane asked "And what if the test confirms that you're the father?"
Trent suddenly looked worried. "I don't know. Um...I was kinda hoping that Jim and Quinn would raise her."
Jane shook her head. "Trent, she's your daughter and my niece...possibly. If that's the case, then she's your responsibility. Also, both Jim and Quinn pretty much told me that they aren't going to raise her for you." Pause as something occurs to Jane. "I'm gonna wind up raising this kid, aren't I?"
Visibly relieved, Trent said "I'd be cool with that."
Rolling her eyes, Jane said "Trent, I've spent the better part of my life cleaning up your mess. Frankly, it's getting old."
Before the conversation could continue, the doctor stopped looking at the test results and spoke. "Mr. Lane" he said, "I've compared the mitochondrial DNA from both your's and Alyssa's swabs. The similarities are entirely consistent with biological relations. In fact, only parents and children, as well as siblings, are as genetically similar as you and Alyssa. The test proves conclusively that you are indeed the girl's biological father."
Trent frowned. "Aw, man!"
Jane said "So, I really did meet my niece the other day."
The doctor nodded.
"Um, Janey" said Trent, "I...I really can't take care of a kid."
Jane said "Trent, you have a home, a steady source of income and kids seem to like you."
"But, Janey," said Trent, "What about when I leave that all behind? What happens when I finally become a rock star?"
Jane let out an exacerbated sigh. "Trent, you're 45, almost 46! I really think that ship sailed some time ago."
"Um, ouch, that's kinda cruel!"
Jane said "Look, Trent, even if you weren't a shiftless lazy-ass who's only made it this far by mooching off others there's also the fact that people just plain don't listen to rock music anymore. You being a rock star cannot possibly ever happen. This is New York in the 21st century, not Seattle in the early nineties. Grunge went the way of disco a long time ago." Jane took a breath to calm herself before getting back on topic. "Look, Trent, you just have to accept that you're a parent now."
Trent tried his most common tactic. "Um, Janey, Alyssa's mom doesn't want her and isn't fit to raise kids anyway and there's no room for a kid in my life. See, since you're so great with kids..."
Jane's eyes suddenly narrowed. Cutting Trent off, she said through gritted teeth "You'd better not be trying to dump Alyssa off on me!"
Sheepish, Trent said "Well, you were great with Summer's kids...until they ran away."
Jane said "Trent, I like kids, but I also like returning them at the end of the day. You're my brother and I'll help you out, but Alyssa's YOUR daughter, so she's YOUR responsibility."
Trent gulped with dread as it dawned on him that he wouldn't be able to squirm his way out of this.
Casa Carbone, later...
Daria, Quinn and Jim were in the living room talking with Jane and Trent, who'd come straight from the doctor's office to reveal the results of the paternity test.
"So" said Daria, "Alyssa really is your daughter."
Trent nodded solemnly. "Yeah. It's kinda heavy. I mean, what do I do now?"
"Pretty obvious, isn't it" said Quinn.
Added Jim "Your kid, your responsibility."
"Look" said Trent, "I really can't handle a kid right now. I'm sorry, but I just can't."
Quinn said "And I'm sorry, but Jim and I aren't raising your child for you. Granted, she's a good kid and we like having her here, but the fact remains that she's your responsibility."
Added Jim "Yeah. I gotta be honest, but I'm not too keen to pay for someone else's mistake."
Trent said "But..."
Daria cut him off. "Trent, she's your daughter. My sister and her husband were willing to let her stay while you sorted this out, but now it's time for you to step up. Especially since I'm already staying here until I can find a new apartment."
Trent said "Yeah, it was pretty cool how your building just caved in on itself. I'm trying to write a song about that."
"Way to make me feel better" Daria dryly replied.
"Look, Trent," said Jane, "I don't mind being Alyssa's cool aunt, but Alan and I happily embrace our child free marriage and I'll be damned if that's gonna change just because you knocked up some skank eight years ago."
Trent said "So, none of you are gonna take her in?"
Jane said "She's welcome to visit me any time, but I'm not raising a child that I didn't squeeze out myself."
"Same here" added Quinn.
"Aw, man!" said Trent with a frown as this confirmed that he was now stuck with Alyssa.
Trent's apartment, a few days later...
The apartment was small and messy. It consisted of a small living room, an even smaller kitchen separated by a kiosk, a bathroom and a bedroom. Trent was practicing on his guitar when Alyssa walked up to him.
"Dad" she said, "I'm thirsty."
Trent said "I think there's some glasses in one of the cabinets."
"There aren't," said Alyssa, "I checked."
Trent said "Well, I think there's some soda in the fridge."
Trent resumed practicing as Alyssa went into the kitchen to get a soda. She'd been living on take out since Trent was too lazy to cook or go grocery shopping. As Trent continued to play chords on his acoustic guitar Alyssa opened the fridge. She was dismayed to find only beer in there. Trent was too engrosed in his playing to notice anything else.
Wonder why grown ups always drink this Alyssa thought as she took a can of beer and opened it. Trent didn't see or hear what was going on just a few feet away from him as he was too busy strumming away on the guitar. Alyssa took a swig of beer and scrunched her nose in disgust. This tastes like fizzy cough medicine! A second later, she thought still, I'm thirsty and we don't have any glasses, so tap water's out. Alyssa proceeded to drink all of Trent's beer. Trent was too focused on his playing to see this.
A little later...
Daria and Quinn were walking down the hallway towards Trent's apartment.
"Quinn" said Daria, "Why are we doing this?"
Quinn said "Look, I know Alyssa's not our responsibility but we should still check up. I mean, this is Trent we're talking about."
Daria sighed as she knew her sister had a point. "Hopefully, she hasn't starved to death because her father couldn't even be bothered to feed her."
At this point, Quinn knocked on the door to Trent's apartment. A few seconds later, Trent answered.
"Hey, Daria, Daria's Sister."
"Quinn," she corrected through gritted teeth, "My name's Quinn! How many times do I have to say it?"
Daria said "We just wanted to see how you guys are doing. There isn't a pre-teen corpse in there, is there?"
Trent responded with his usual laugh/cough. "Good one, Daria."
"The scary thing" said Daria, "is that I wasn't entirely joking."
Trent said "It's not so bad. Just feed her and she's cool. Um, Do I have to enroll her in school?"
Rolling her eyes, Quinn said "Duh, Trent!"
Added Daria "We'd better have a look, just to be sure."
"Come on in," said Trent with a smile, "Make yourselves at home. You can even take your shoes of...or leave 'em on if you wanna keep your socks clean."
Neither Daria nor Quinn found that reassuring as they entered the apartment. Once inside, Quinn asked "Where is she?"
Trent said "In the kitchen...I think."
They went into the kitchen. What they saw made both women gasp. Alyssa was swaying with bloodshot eyes and several empty beer cans on the floor.
"'Ey, m...hic...miz Morgdorver...hic...m...mi...urp...mr...hic...Guinn...burp!"
"Oh, God!" gasped Daria.
"Alyssa, you're drunk!" exclaimed Quinn.
"Whoa!" said Trent.
"I...hic..." slurred Alyssa, "No, 'm nod...hic...hic...glug...glug...BLEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Alyssa puked all over the floor.
"Um, guys," said Trent, "Could you maybe clean that? I think I have a mop somewhere."
Both Daria and Quinn stared daggers at Trent.
Act III
Jane's condo in SoHo, day...
Daria and Quinn immediately brought Alyssa to Jane's place in the city and explained the situation.
"So, Trent totally dropped the ball," said Jane, "Why am I not surprised?"
Quinn said "He couldn't even bother to stock his fridge with anything but beer, nor could he even bother to make sure his kid doesn't get into it."
"Owwwww!" Alyssa groaned, "My head hurts."
"That's what we adults call a hangover," said Jane, "and it's why you shouldn't drink before you're eighteen."
"The drinking age is 21" said Daria.
Jane replied "Didn't stop our classmates from throwing all those keggers in high school. I even recall a then eighteen year old Quinn getting so hammered on Spring Break that she fell face first into a pool of her own vomit."
Quinn blushed with embarrassment. *
*(It happened in the Quinn episode "Sisters Gone Wild".)
Turning serious, Jane said "I knew this was gonna happen. I knew Trent would screw this up so badly that I'd wind up raising his kid."
"Hopefully, this is just a temporary situation," said Quinn, "Hopefully, Trent will wake up and accept responsibility before too long."
"I'll take the Vegas odds on that one" said Daria.
"Actually," said Jane, "while Trent's far from a responsible adult, despite being well into his forties, he'll probably wise up eventually. Still, he's probably gonna need us to keep on him when he does get his shit together."
"Better us than child services," said Quinn, "This poor girl's been through enough. Her mom doesn't want her and her father's a lazy ass who can barely take care of himself. Last thing I wanna do is dump Alyssa on the state."
"Relax," said Jane, "I'll raise her as if she were my own, at least until Trent gets better at adulting."
Daria said "Sorry this is being dumped on you, Jane."
Jane shrugged. "It's not the first time I had to clean up one of my brother's messes, and it probably won't be the last either."
A still hung over Alyssa promptly vomited.
Meanwhile, at Trent's house...
Trent was sitting alone on the couch playing an old, well-worn electric guitar. He was deep in thought.
Can't blame Daria and her sister for taking Alyssa away. I really screwed up.
Trent played a chord on his guitar. He then thought about what was going on. He tried to justify letting Alyssa be someone else's problem.
She's better off with Janey anyway.
As Trent played notes on his oldest guitar he sang some lyrics he'd come up with back in Lawndale over twenty years earlier.
"The walls are closing in
The ice is getting thin
No place to be alone
My house is not a home
Psychic refugee"
Trent stopped playing.
"That's not right. What really captures my mood?"
He plays another melody and sings again.
"Feeling bad
I'm a loser Dad
Kid's gone
I should be glad"
He stopped again.
"That makes me feel worse."
Trent tried again.
"Dumped my kid on my sis
Most of her life I had to miss
That should be the end of it
Why do I feel like complete shit"
Trent shook his head and stopped playing.
"One more time."
He played another tune.
"There was a girl
Who never knew love
She was always
Crapped on from above
Mom left her in another town
Dad could've stepped up
But he let her down"
Trent stopped playing and sighed. As he placed his guitar down he started thinking.
Alyssa's pretty cool Trent thought. She deserves better. I suck at being a Dad. Keeping her safe and out of trouble is just too much work.
Trent paused for a moment before continuing with his train of thought.
She's had it so rough. Everyone treats her like a problem or something. Her Mom ignored her for eight years, just like...like...
Trent's eyes suddenly went wide with realization.
My parents! Mom and Dad acted like we didn't even exist half the time. Summer, Wind, Penny, me and Janey, we all had to fend for ourselves. I spent six months in a tent in the backyard and Jane was the only one who even noticed that I was gone. I come back into the house and my parents act like nothing happened. Summer's so bad at parenting that she couldn't keep her kids from constantly running away and, now that they're grown up, she's totally estranged from them. Wind can't form a stable, healthy relationship. Penny's a total nomad who can't even pick a country to call home and I'm such a screw up that I have to pay someone else to run my business for me. Maybe we'd all have turned out better if Mom and Dad ever bothered to even pretend that they gave a shit. Now, all the crap that happened to us is happening to my own daughter.
Trent made his decision.
No way, man! I'm not gonna just dump Alyssa on Janey because it's convenient, and I'm not gonna just sit back and hope for the best. Alyssa's my daughter, and what she needs is a family that cares for her. She needs me. She needs her father looking out for her, encouraging her to follow her dreams, protecting her when she needs it and showing her how to make it in life. I don't know what to do, but I know what not to do. I can figure out the rest as I go along. Alyssa needs a better life and, as her father, I need to give her that. I WILL give her that!
Trent felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He then looked around his apartment.
This place is a shithole. Definitely can't raise a kid here. I need to upgrade to a home that's halfway decent. Probably also a good idea to keep my booze, smokes and porn someplace where a little kid can't get to 'em from now on.
Trent then walked over to the phone and dialed a number.
"Hello, Glenville Realty. I need to find an affordable place where I can raise my daughter."
Casa Carbone, a week later...
Quinn, Jim, the triplets and Daria were setting up the dinning room table. Jane and Alyssa were there and helping.
"Thanks for having me over for Thanksgiving" said Jane.
"No problem," said Jim.
Turning to Alyssa, Quinn asked "How did you celebrate Thanksgiving before coming up here?"
"Alone with a TV dinner while Mom was passed out drunk" said Alyssa.
"Yep," said Jane with a smirk, "Definitely a Lane."
"When are we gonna eat?" Timmy whined, "I'm starving!"
"You're always hungry," said Teddy, "You should try starving."
"Yeah, fat boy" added Tommy.
"Tommy," said Quinn in an ominous tone, "What did I tell you about insulting your brother's weight?"
Suddenly, the doorbell rang.
"Tommy, get the door" said Jim.
Tommy whined "But, Dad..."
Jim cut him off. "Get the door, unless you don't wanna watch Home Alone after dinner."
Pouting, Tommy went to answer the door. A few seconds later...
"IT'S MR. LANE!"
Jane went to the front door. She was not happy to see him.
"Trent, what are you doing here?"
Trent said "Um, Well, I was hoping for some free food. I mean, it is Thanksgiving."
Why do I bother asking? Jane thought before saying "I've got a bone to pick with you, young man. Alyssa's been living with me for a week now and you never once called to check on her. I know you suck at parenting, but she's still your daughter."
"That's kinda why I'm here," said Trent, "I was busy."
Narrowing her eyes, Jane said "Sleeping and collecting the profits from that bar you own hardly qualifies as busy."
Trent said "Well, yeah, but house hunting does. I also enrolled Alyssa at the elementary school. She starts on Monday. Um, Can I see her?"
Against her better judgment, Jane waved Trent in and led him to the dinning room as Tommy closed the door behind them.
Upon seeing Trent, Jim said "I don't remember inviting you."
Noting the hostile tone, Trent said "Whoa! Kinda negative vibes man!"
Jim said "Quinn told me what happened. What kinda Dad lets his kid get into the beer!?"
Trent replied "Yeah, that's why I'm keeping my booze under lock and key now. Also, I just closed on a house a few blocks up the road from here."
Daria said "I don't know what's more shocking, you getting a house or that you can even afford it."
Trent shrugged. "Since the covid restrictions eased up Mystik's been doing pretty well."
Quinn said "You know, Trent, a kid isn't some kind of accessory. Parenting's a huge responsibility. I know because I have three kids."
Trent said "Yeah, I guess I do kinda suck at being responsible."
"Way to state the obvious, sperm donor" Alyssa snidely remarked.
"I...," said Trent, "...I just wasn't ready."
Jim said "You should've thought of that before doing some college girl you barely knew without a condom."
"I know," said Trent, "But the thing is I didn't think and now I have a kid. I gotta step up."
Alyssa angrily said "You had eight years to step up."
"I didn't know," said Trent, "I swear to Cobain I didn't know I had a kid out there. Look, I missed the first eight years. I'm sorry. I...I guess I wanna step up now."
Jane said "How do we know you aren't just gonna screw up again? Or dump her on me when you decide you can't deal?"
Trent sighed. "Look, I'm forty-five. It's obvious the rock star thing isn't gonna happen. I just have to settle for being in the in-house band for the bar I own. Besides, rock stardom was always a long shot anyway. I guess I'm giving up on my dream 'cause giving Alyssa the stable, loving home we never had is more important."
Jane's eyes went wide. "Who are you, and what have you done with my lazy, shiftless brother?"
Grinning, Trent said "The lazy-ass slacker grew up."
Daria quipped "And it only took forty-five years."
Trent did his trademark laugh/cough. "Good one, Daria."
No one could help smiling at that point.
Later...
Everyone was sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner.
"This is good, Mrs. Carbone" said Alyssa.
"Thanks" Quinn said with a smile.
"So," Daria asked Alyssa, "This really is your first Thanksgiving dinner?"
Alyssa nodded.
"It won't be her last," said Trent, "Alyssa, wait til you see the house I bought."
"So," she said, "We aren't going back to that shithole apartment?"
Trent said "I'm moving in on Saturday. Um, Janey..."
"Relax," said Jane, "I don't mind keeping her for a few more days." Turning to her niece, she added "By the way, you're always gonna be welcome to stay at my place. Mi casa es su casa."
"Thanks, Aunt Jane," said Alyssa, "And thanks for finally stepping up...Dad."
Trent actually blushed when she called him that. I could actually get into this parenting thing.
Jim then klinked his fork on his wine glass.
"Everyone, I'd like to propose a toast."
As the adults raised their wine glasses the kids did the same with their soda.
Jim said "I'd like to say that I'm both glad and pleasantly surprised that Trent is willing to step up and actually be the parent that Alyssa needs. I also think that this is the beginning of a new, much happier chapter in the girl's life. Alyssa, you now have a family that actually cares about you and that's what you've always needed. Someday, when you're a grown woman, I hope you'll look back on this moment as the point where your happiness truly began."
"Thanks, Mr. Carbone" said Alyssa.
Raising his glass, Jim said "Salute a la famiglia, centanni!"
"CENTANNI!" everyone chanted before taking a drink.
After the toast, Alyssa asked "What's chendanee mean?"
"Centanni," Jim corrected in a friendly tone, relishing to opportunity to speak of his Italian heritage, "It's Italian for 'a hundred years'."
Added Quinn "It means may we all live happily for the next one hundred years as a family."
"Cool," said Alyssa, "I could get into that."
With that, they all resumed eating.
Roy's Pizzaria in Lower Manhattan, a few days later...
Daria, Quinn, Jane and Nicole were having lunch in the city. Nicole had just been brought up to date on recent events.
"So," said Nicole, "Trent actually stepped up."
Jane said "I'm as shocked as you. I really thought I'd wind up raising that kid."
Added Quinn "It took a while, but now that he's accepted it Trent's really stepping up and actually being a good parent."
"Stranger things have happened," said Daria, "Though I can't imagine what."
They all had a laugh with that one.
Quinn said "I've seen the new house. It's not very impressive, but it's definitely a better place than that shithole apartment Trent was living in before."
Nicole said "So, the oldest one of us ended up being the last one to grow up and start a family. Can you say irony?"
They all laughed again.
"You know, Daria," said Jane in a teasing manner, "Maybe you should rekindle your old crush. After all, the man comes with a ready made family now."
Daria said "And after the divorce I can steal Alan off of you. If I'm gonna go back to my high school self, I might as well go all the way."
Jane and Daria both laughed as Nicole and Quinn smiled.
End Episode.