Opening
Music: "Sleigh Ride Together With You" (instrumental)
The background is dark blue. Suddenly, the blue background morphs into a starry night sky. Next, the affect of falling snow is added. Suddenly, the following caption appears...
"A Daria And Quinn Christmas"
written by
WildDogJJ
After a moment the caption disappears as the opening morphs into the first scene.
Act I
Scene 1
The opening image has now morphed into a panoramic shot of the Long Island suburban town of Glennville, New York. Zoom in on a building with a plaque that reads "Billy Joel Elementary School" as snow continues to fall. The school is covered in Christmas lights which, combined with the falling snow, let us know that it's December.
Ext. Shot: The entrance to Billy Joel Elementary School, evening
Daria and Jane are standing in front of the school entrance as snow continues to fall. They are visibly uncomfortable.
Daria: "I can't believe I'm freezing my ass off in front of a suburban elementary school."
Jane: "Daria, it's a light December snowfall, not the harsh January blizzard we endured on that ill fated mountain excursion back in high school."
Daria: "Would that be the one where Joey, Jeffy and Jamie left the supplies behind to carry all of Quinn's stuff?"
Jane nodded.*
*( It happened in the Daria episode "Antisocial Climbers")
Daria: "Why are we doing this, again?"
Jane: "Family obligation. Your nephews and my niece are in the school holiday pageant."
Daria: "Damn familial obligations."
At this point, Jamie approaches, accompanied by his wife, Nicole.
Jamie: "Hey, Daria, Jane."
Daria: "Hello, Jeremy."
Jamie: "I'm Jamie."
Daria: "And I was joking."
Jamie stifles a laugh.
Jamie: "Good one, Daria."
Nicole: "What are you guys doing here?"
Jane: "Family obligations. Trent's daughter is in the pagaent, so are Quinn's sons."
Daria: "In other words, we don't have a choice."
Jane looks at her watch.
Jane: "Where are Quinn and Jim anyway?"
Ext. Shot: A street in Glenville
A blue 2016 Chevy Camaro ZL1 is speeding.
Int. Shot: Jim's Camaro
Jim is driving way over the speed limit (and way too fast, given the weather conditions) while a very nervous Quinn is in the passenger seat. Jim suddenly swerves to avoid running down a jogger on the sidewalk.
Quinn (scared and annoyed): "Dammit, Jim! This is a suburban street, not a racetrack! Could you please be careful?"
Jim (panicked): "We don't have time to be careful, Quinn, we're running late!"
Cut to outside as the car races into the school parking lot. Jim slides into a parking space at breakneck speed before bringing the car to a sudden stop without hitting anything. He revs the engine, which is very loud, before shutting the car off. After this, a visibly relieved Quinn emerges from the passenger side while a visibly proud Jim emerges from the driver side. Cut to the entrance as they approach.
Daria: "Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Speed Racer."
Jim: "Sorry we're late. It took Quinn forever to upload her latest S'mores 'n' Pores video."
Quinn: "You still didn't have to drive like that bald, buff guy in all those movies."
Jane smirks.
Jane: "Marital bliss at its finest."
Scene 2
Int. Shot: School auditorium
In the audience we see Jane sitting with Trent to her right. He looks the same as he did in the 2017 EW article except that his hair is now all gray despite the fact that he's only 45. Trent and Jane were there to support his seven-year-old daughter Alyssa. Daria sat to Jane's left. To Daria's own left sat Quinn, with her husband, Jim, sitting on the opposite side. Nicole sat on the other side of Jim while Jamie sat on the opposite side of Nicole. Next to Jamie sat Tom Sloane. On the other side of Tom was his wife, Sandi (nee Griffin). Their kids, Shane and Lexi, went to school here. They'd recently bought another house, a mansion in Glenville, because Tom felt it would be good for the kids to attend public school and Sandi agreed on the condition that they not attend school in the city. As such, while they still had the luxury condo in Manhattan their official residence was now a large mansion in Glenville.
Cut to the stage and we see the principal, Sam Stickler, approach the microphone. Mr. Stickler was a fifty-year-old with a very muscular build and a military style flat-top buzz cut from his former life as a Gunnery Sergeant in the Marine Corps.
Mr. Stickler: "Welcome to our Christmas Pageant. I know it's officially a Holiday Pageant, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let those namby-pamby liberal traitors take the Christ outta Christmas. Goddamn, woke, commie, liberal, atheist, freedom hating pussy-asses. If it were up to me, I'd..."
Cut to the audience and we see collective eye rolls all around. Cut back to the stage as the sight of this snaps the principal out of his rant. Mr. Stickler turns his attention back to the audience.
Mr. Stickler: "Anyway, on with the show! Our first segment is Santa's from Around the World. The first performers are second graders Shane and Alexis Sloane!"
As Mr. Stickler stepped aside the curtain rose. Standing there were Tom and Sandi's twins, son Shane and daughter Alexis, called Lexi. Shane is wearing a Santa Clause beard, but his clothes are the vestments of a Catholic Cardinal. Lexi is in a devil costume. While Shane holds a bishop's staff Lexi is holding a whipping rod. Cut to the audience and we see Tom and Sandi applaud proudly.
Sandi: "They look soo adorable!"
Cut back to the stage as Shane takes the microphone.
Shane: "Froliche Weinacten! That's Merry Christmas in German. I'm Sankt Niklaus, the German Santa Claus."
Shane hands the microphone to his sister.
Lexi: "I'm Sankt Niklaus' assistant, a demon named Krampus."
Shane: "Instead of visiting on Christmas Eve, I go to Germany on December 6th, which is Sankt Niklaus Tag."
Lexi: "I go with him because that night is also Krampusnacht."
Shane: "I go to houses and give presents to all the good boys and girls."
Lexi: "I go with him carrying a whipping rod to punish the bad boys and girls."*
*( Author's Note: My mother grew up in Germany. That really is how they do it over there.)
Cut to later on in the segment. On stage is a little girl in a witch costume complete with a broomstick. In lieu of a pointed hat she wears a red bandanna over a gray wig.
Girl in witch costume: "Buon Natale! I'm La Befana, the Italian Santa Claus. I became part of the Christmas tradition after providing shelter to the three wise men as they traveled to see the baby Jesus. While Santa Claus delivers presents to the rest of the world, I do that job in Italy. I'm a good witch who uses her magic to create toys for the good kids while cursing the bad ones. I also clean the homes I visit with my broom. Instead of the milk and cookies left for Santa, kids leave me a jug of wine on Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas!"
The girl exits the stage pretending to fly on her broom, cackling maniacally.
Cut to later and we see a little boy on stage wearing a Santa Claus outfit, but his is green instead of red.
Boy (fake British accent): "Good Morrow! I am Father Christmas, the English version of Santa Claus."
Cut to later still and we see another boy dressed as Gandalf the Gray.
Boy (fake Eastern European Accent): "I am the Wizard of Winter, the Russian Santa Claus!"
Cut to later in the pageant. Mr. Stickler once again has the microphone.
Mr. Stickler: "Next up is second grader Alyssa Lane, with her own rendition of Silent Night."
As Mr. Stickler exits the stage the curtain rises to reveal Alyssa with a well-worn electric guitar in her hands. She looks like a prepubescent version of Jane. Alyssa proceeds to play Silent Night with everything cranked up all the way to ten. Once past the 'sleep in heavenly peace' part, she suddenly blazes into a note for note recreation of Eddie Van Halen's famous "Eruption" instrumental. Cut to the audience to reveal collective shock. Cut to Mr. Stickler to reveal an expression of outrage. He immediately pulls the plug on the amp. Alyssa noticed this and suddenly stopped playing.
Alyssa: "Mr. Stickler, you just killed my groove!"
Mr. Stickler: "And you just earned yourself two weeks detention with that stunt, young lady!"
He angrily dragged Alyssa off the stage. Cut to the audience.
Daria: "You know, Trent, that was inappropriate."
Trent: "Yeah, that guitar is a piece of shit. That's why I'm getting her a Fender Strat for Christmas."
This elicits an eye roll from both Daria and Jane.
Cut to later on. Mr. Stickler is once again on stage.
Mr. Stickler: "Now, Mrs. Donnelly's second grade class with a presentation of Jingle Bells."
Cut to the audience.
Quinn: "Jim, get the camera ready!"
Jim aims a camcorder at the stage and starts recording. Cut to the stage and we see that the chorus of first graders includes Quinn and Jim's triplet sons Tommy, Timmy and Teddy. Other students in the class include the Sloane twins (Shane and Alexis) as well as Rachel White.
Whole class:
"Dashing through the snow, on a one-horse open sleigh
Over fields we go, laughing all the way
Bells of bobtail ring, making spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight"
Cut to Tommy and Timmy as they exchange smirks. While the rest of the class sings straight, they sing...
"Jingle bells
Our teacher smells
School makes us sleep all day
We can't run
We can't have fun
We can't get away"
At this point, Tommy and Timmy run from their place in front of the class and go to the front of the stage. The shocked reaction from the teacher indicates that this was not a part of the program as two of the three T's proceed to hog the spotlight.
"Jingle bells
Stickler smells
He always wrecks our day
Oh, what fun
It is to run
We always get awaYYYYYYYY"
The boys were suddenly yanked up by an angry Mr. Stickler. Holding them each up by the shirt collar in each hand, the authoritarian principal proceeds the chew both boys' asses in front of everyone.
Mr. Stickler: "Tommy, since I know this was your idea I'm giving you a MONTH'S detention, you little punk!"
He turns to Timmy.
Mr. Stickler: "I know you were just following your brother's lead, you gullible butterball, so your punishment will be to work off some of that flab...RIGHT NOW, YOU PUSSY ASS!"
He places Timmy down...hard.
Mr. Stickler: "DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY, YOU LITTLE LARD ASS!"
Timmy (whiny): "But, Mr. Stickler..."
Mr. Stickler: "DO IT! AND ADDRESS ME PROPERLY!"
Timmy (panicked): "SIR, YES, SIR!"
Timmy struggled to do the push-ups as the principal attempted to motivate him with taunting.
Mr. Stickler: "YOU CALL YOURSELF A BOY! YOU'RE WEAK! YOU'RE A SILKY GIRL! YOU KNOW WHERE SILK COMES FROM!? IT COMES FROM THE ASSES OF CHINESE WORMS!"
Cut to the audience and we see Quinn and Jim stare daggers at the principal. Cut to the stage to show Teddy and Rachel with identical smirks on their faces. Pan out to see the rest of the class nod approvingly at Tommy, indicating that this latest act of defiance just scored him major popularity points.
Scene 3
Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, the following evening
The house is lit up with Christmas lights. There's also a layer of snow on the ground.
Int. Shot: The living room
Music: "Deck the Halls"
Jim is decorating the Christmas Tree while Daria watches TV and the triplets work on their Christmas wish lists. Cut to the TV screen and we see cops hauling Santa Clause away in handcuffs while a visibly frightened Mrs. Clause observes everything with a black eye and bloody nose.
TV Announcer: "These cops were called to a domestic dispute...AT THE NORTH POLE! Jolly Old Wife Beater...next on Sick, Sad World!"
Int. Shot: Home Office
Quinn is at her desk typing on the computer. Cut to her POV and we see a Word document with the following heading...
Carbone Family Christmas Newsletter
Cut to third person. Quinn thinks the words as she types.
Quinn (thought VO): Dear Family and Friends, Merry Christmas! It's been an interesting year. First off, Jim and I got sick of Lawndale and moved away. We now live in Glenville, NY. It's a nice town on Long Island and a suburb of NYC. We choose Glenville because Nicole and Jamie moved here after he took a job as a history teacher at Glenville High. Also, Sandi and Tom moved to this town a few years ago when Grace, Sloane and Paige shut down the Baltimore office and made the New York branch their official headquarters. Not only that, but both Daria and Jane lived in the city. It's like the old gang's together again. Except Stacy, Chuck and their kids. They moved to Florida around the same time that the Sloane's moved to New York, but we've kept in touch over the years. Daria was living in the city, but the building her apartment was in was so poorly maintained that it collapsed in on itself. As such, Daria is living in our guest room for the time being. This year, my parents are actually coming up for a visit. Even though they didn't say so, I think they're just sick of spending Christmas in a part of the country where it's pretty much summer year-round. Jim's mother won't be visiting us this year, but she does plan on spending the summer here. She's good, despite having been stripped of her US citizenship and forced to move back to her native village in Tuscany after she divorced Tony. Speaking of Jim's father, he'll be joining us for Christmas this year as well. Granted, he's a lot less of a toxic asshole than he used to be, but he still manages to offend me with his sexist comments. At least he's not the dirty old man that his brother, Uncle Vito, is. I shouldn't slam Jim's uncle. For all his faults, Vito's a nice guy. He opened his home to Jim's brother, Chris. Chris runs one of Vito's businesses for him now. Despite this, Chris can't get a place of his own as every penny he makes goes to his ex-wife in alimony. Seeing how rough my brother-in-law has it makes me feel a little guilty as I was the one who caught his wife cheating and brought it to his attention. The resulting divorce settlement was skewed very heavily in her favor. In any event, I guess life goes on. Maybe this year my Christmas present to Chris should be getting my mother to come out of retirement and renegotiate the terms of his divorce so that his ex-wife can't keep him in poverty out of spite anymore. On a more positive note, it turns out that Jane's brother, Trent, has a daughter. Her name is Alyssa and she's the same age as my boys. Apparently, she's the result of a one-night stand Trent had at one of his band's gigs eight years ago. Trent found out about her when her mother basically dumped the girl at his place and took off. After a rocky start Trent finally stepped up and took on the role of a responsible adult. They live in our neighborhood now. Once again, Merry Christmas!
Once finished, Quinn saved the letter and made her way to the living room.
Int. Shot: The living room.
Quinn enters and sits down.
Quinn: "Boys, are you done making your lists for Santa?"
Teddy rolls his eyes as Tommy and Timmy excitedly give their lists to Quinn.
Quinn: "Thanks."
She reads the lists. Cut to her POV and we see a list with the heading "Timmy's Wish List". The first thing Timmy wants is a unicorn. Cut back to third person as Quinn frowns.
Quinn: "Timmy, every year you ask Santa for a unicorn and I keep telling you that Santa Claus can't put a unicorn in his sleigh."
Timmy: "But Mom, I've been really good this year and I've always wanted a pet unicorn. Santa just has to give me one!"
Holding his list, Teddy shakes his head disdainfully at his brother.
Teddy: "Timmy, there are two flaws in your logic. One, unicorns aren't real. Two,.." (He nods in their father's direction) "..there's only one old man who gives us presents on Christmas and his name isn't Santa."
Teddy then hands his wish list to his mother.
Quinn: "Maybe your brothers are more realistic."
Cut to Quinn's POV and we see the first item on Teddy's list is a copy of "Sons and Lovers". Cut back to third person and we see Quinn frown.
Quinn (thought VO): God, what did I do wrong in a past life?
She looks at the last list. Cut to Quinn's POV and we see the heading "My Christmas List, Tommy". We then see that the first thing on Tommy's list is a tattoo. Cut back to Quinn. Her eyes go wide with shock.
Quinn: "A tattoo!?"
Tommy: "Yeah. Come on, Mom, tattoos are awesome!"
Teddy: "You just want a tattoo because you think it's cool."
Quinn(firm): "And you're not getting one. Not from Santa and definitely not from me."
Tommy (whiny): "But, Mom..."
Quinn: "No, and that's final."
Scene 4
Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, evening
Int. Shot: Daria's room
Daria sat at her desk typing a sketch for The Evening Show while her cat, Godzilla, was napping on the desk. Suddenly, the phone rings. Daria answers.
Daria: "Law Offices of Morgendorffer and Carbone, we make a fortune off your misfortune."
Split-screen to reveal Jane on the other end of the line.
Jane: "Hey, Daria. Just calling to see what you're doing for Christmas."
Daria: "Let me guess. Alan won't be home in time for the holiday."
Jane: "Bingo. It doesn't help that every time he travels, he has to spend two weeks in quarantine at the airport before coming home, so I get to spend even less time with him. It'll almost be Valentine's Day before I see him again."
Daria: "Damn never-ending biblical plague." (pause) "Let me guess, you're gonna spend the holiday holed up with Trent and Alyssa."
Jane: "That's the plan. I wanna get out of the city for a bit but still be close enough to make any gallery openings that come my way." Pause. "So, what are you guys doing for Christmas?"
Daria: "My parents are coming up from Florida."
Jane: "And you anticipate an Ok Boomer moment with Helen."
Daria nods.
Daria: "Yes. So much for the good news."
Jane: "What's the bad news?"
Daria: "Jim's father is coming up from Virginia."
Jane: "You have to spend Christmas with that psychopath!?"
Daria: "Yes. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire while Tony brags about the hundred communists he killed in Vietnam."
Jane: "Yikes! And I thought my family was messed up."
Scene 5
Ext. Shot: Panoramic shot of LaGuardia Airport in Queens, day
Int. Shot: Main terminal
Quinn and Jim were at the greeting area waiting for Jake and Helen to arrive.
Jim: "What's their flight number?"
Quinn: "Flight 127 from West Palm Beach."
Quinn looks and smiles.
Quinn: "There they are!"
Quinn waives her parents over. Cut to her and Jim's POV and we see a smiling Jake and Helen. At seventy-one they look almost like they did in the future fantasy scene in "Write Where It Hurts" except that Helen looks like she never went gray due to the fact that she dyes her hair. Cut to third person as they both hug Quinn.
Helen: "Quinn! It's so good to see you!"
Jake: "Hey, Cupcake!"
Quinn: "Hey, Mom, Dad!"
As the hug ends the elder Morgendorffers turn their attention to Jim. Jake immediately shakes his son-in-law's hand.
Jake: "Yo, Jim! Wuzzup!"
Jim stifles a laugh.
Jim: "You know nobody says that anymore. How ya doin'?"
Jake: "Cool, my man! Real cool!"
Cut to Helen rolling her eyes at her husband's latest failed attempt to seem hip. She approaches Jim and they hug.
Helen: "Jim, how are you?"
Jim: "I'm good, Helen."
Helen: "Please, call me Mom."
Jake: "Yeah, you're the son I wish we'd had."
Quinn rolls her eyes.
Quinn: "Gah-ohd, Dad, do you have to say that in front of one of your daughters?"
Jake smiles sheepishly.
Jake: "Sorry. Look, I love you and Daria more than anything. Doesn't mean I don't sometimes wish I'd had a son, just so I'd have a chance to raise a boy right. After all, I always wanted to prove that you don't have to brutalize a boy to make him a man."
Jake's face darkens. Cut to a shot of Quinn, Jim and Helen all rolling their eyes as they know what's coming. Cut back to Jake.
Jake (increasingly angry): "Oh, my dad never missed an opportunity to try toughening me up. 'Man up, Jake!' 'Quit crying, Jake!' 'Boys are supposed to be boys, Jake!' 'TAKE YOUR BEATING LIKE A MAN, YOU LITTLE SISSY!' GODDAMN YOU, MAD DOG, YOU PSYCHOTIC MOTHERF..."
Quinn, Jim and Helen: "JAKE!"
This snaps Jake out of his rant.
Jake: "Sorry!"
Cut to a worried looking Jim.
Jim (thought VO): God, I hope Dad doesn't do anything to set him off when he gets here!
Scene 6
Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, later that day
Int. Shot: The living room
Quinn and Jim have just returned from the airport with Jake and Helen. They're both hugging Daria.
Helen: "How are you, Sweetie!"
Daria: "I'm good, Mom!"
Jake: "Hey, Kiddo!"
Daria rolls her eyes.
Daria: "You do realize that I turned 40 last month."
Suddenly, the triplets enter. Jake and Helen release Daria and turn to their grandchildren, who run up to hug them.
All three boys: "Grandma! Grandpa Jake!"
They all hug.
Helen: "Boys! My, you've grown!"
Jake: "Hey, guys!"
The hug ends and Jake speaks to no one in particular.
Jake: "Anyone else coming up for the holidays?"
Cut to Teddy as he looks questioningly at his grandfather. Cut to his POV and we see nervous expressions on the faces of Quinn, Jim, Daria AND Helen. Cut to third person as Teddy sighs.
Teddy: "None of you told him, did you?"
Jake looks curious.
Jake: "Tell me what?"
Before the conversation can continue there's an angry pounding on the door. Cut to Jim.
Jim: (thought VO) Dad won't be up for a couple of days. That should be enough time to prepare him. (out loud) "I'll get it."
Jim answers the front door. As he opens the door and sees who it is his face loses all color. Cut to Jim's POV and we see a man in his late seventies with slicked back gray hair and an angry scowl. He looks like a more menacing version of Paulie Walnuts from The Sopranos.
Tony: "'Bout goddamn time, you slow ass pussy girl!"
Cut to Jim with a lock of terror on his face.
Jim: "EEP!"
Cut to Jake as he sees Tony Carbone.
Jake: "GAH!"
Act II
Scene 1
Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, day
Int. Shot: Living room
Everyone is surprised and horrified as Tony has arrived a few days early.
Jim: "Dad, what are you doing here!?"
Tony (slightly miffed): "That any way ta greet your own father!?"
Jim: "Sorry, I just didn't expect you here for another few days."
Tony: "Got bored. Figured I'd come up early an' surprise everyone."
Tony turns his attention to everyone else.
Tony: "Hey, Quinn..." He turns to Daria. "...Four-eyes..." He turns to Jake. "...Girly..." He turns to Helen. "...Feminazi..." He turns to the triplets and smiles. "...Boys, how ya doin!?"
As Teddy rolls his eyes Tommy and Timmy become visibly excited.
Tommy and Timmy: "GRANDPOP!"
They run up to Tony and hug him. Tony warmly returns the hug.
Tony: "God, I missed youse guys! How ya been?"
Timmy: "We're good, Grandpop."
Tommy: "Mom won't let me get a tattoo for Christmas."
Tony turned to Jim.
Tony: "Jim, tell your woman to let Tommy get a tattoo!"
Both Quinn and Helen take offense.
Quinn and Helen: "Excuse me!?"
Jim: "Now, Dad..."
Tony: "Dammit, lemme spoil my grandsons, will ya!"
Daria: "By forcing their parents to let one of them get a tattoo. Yeah, that's healthy."
Tony: "QUIET, WOMAN! Men are talking!"
Daria joins her mother and sister in staring daggers at Tony. Before an argument can break out, however, a beautiful, scantily clad brunette with obviously fake boobs enters the house carrying two suitcases. Tony points her out to everyone.
Tony: "Say high to Jennica, everybody! She's a coctail waitress at the VFW...and my favorite fuck toy."
This elicits a collective eyeroll from everyone. Cut to Jennica as she speaks in a white trash version of a southern accent.
Jennica: "Ah thought we wuz goin' tuh Atlantic City?"
Tony: "Court says I gotta visit the kids on major holidays. Get used to it, jugs." He turns his attention to the triplets. "Whaddaya say I give youse kids one o' your presents early?"
Tommy, Timmy and Teddy stare in anticipation as Tony opens one of the suitcases and gets three shoulder holsters out. He hands one to each of the boys.
Tony: "Here ya go, shoulder holsters! I'll get ya the pieces next time Lady Luck shines on me at the horse track."
Teddy rolls his eyes while Tommy and Timmy stare in awe at their holsters.
Tommy and Timmy: "Cool!"
Quinn immediately snatches the holsters away. She then angrily confronts Tony.
Quinn: "Dammit, Tony, they're only eight years old!"
Tony: "Speak when spoken to, woman!"
Jim gets in his father's face.
Jim: "Dammit, Dad, don't talk to my wife like that!"
Tony: "And you show some respect, boy! I'm a war hero! I killed a hundred commies in 'Nam!"
Cut to Jake and Helen.
Jake: "I need a drink...a stiff one!"
Helen: "Make it a double."
Scene 2
Ext. Shot: A residential building in SoHo, the next day
Int. Shot: Jane's condo/art studio
Daria was visiting with Jane and telling her what was going on.
Daria: "...and at dinner my mom had to break up a fight between my dad and Tony...again."
Jane: "Like fire and ice, those two. When do you expect the fighting to end?"
Daria: "When the bodies stop twitching."
She decides to change the subject.
Daria: "So, when do you close up shop?"
Jane: "I already did. In fact, once we're done here, I'm hopping the train back to Long Island with you."
Daria: "And you didn't mention this before because..?"
Jane: "I didn't get the idea until a minute after you showed up to pay a surprise visit. When you told me both Jake and Tony are already here, I simply had to come with you, camcorder ready to roll."
Daria: "Camcorder?"
Jane: "To record the carnage. Sick, Sad World, here I come!"
Daria rolls her eyes. Of course, Jane would want to catch a blowout between Jake and Tony on film.
Jane: "So, what's everyone else doing today?"
Daria: "Jim is showing my parents, Tony and his slutty cocktail waitress around while Quinn and Nicole take the kids Christmas shopping at the mall."
Scene 3
Ext. Shot: A restaurant in Glenville, day
The sign out front reads "Mezza Luna Ristorante Italiano".
Int. Shot: The restaurant
Jim, Jake, Helen, Tony and Jennica were all seated at a table.
Tony: "So, this is the place Chris runs for Vito, huh?"
Helen: "Jim, how is it your uncle came to own a restaurant this nice?"
Jim was visibly embarrassed.
Jim: "The previous owner was a degenerate gambler. He lost it to Uncle Vito in a card game." Pause. "Come to think of it, that's how Uncle Vito acquired all the businesses he owns. Chris runs it for him."
As if on cue, Chris approaches.
Chris: "Hey, Dad!"
Tony smiles.
Tony: "There's my favorite son!"
He and Chris stood up and hugged. Helen turns to Jim.
Helen: "I thought your father lost respect for you brother after his ex-wife cheated on him."
Jim: "He did, but now he runs a successful restaurant so, big surprise, Chris is Dad's favorite again."
Jake: "Oh, do I remember what that's like! My father spoiled my sister rotten while making my life a living hell! 'Why can't you be good, like Eve?' 'Eve acts like a girl, why can't you be a boy, Jake?' 'Why can't you do as good in sports as Eve does in Home Ec, Jake?' 'WHY CAN'T I HAVE A GOOD SON WHEN I HAVE A PERFECT DAUGHTER!?'" He looks at the floor and angrily shakes his fist. "DAMN YOU, MAD DOG! GODDAMN YOU TO HELL, YOU PSYCHOTIC SONOVA..."
Helen: "JAKE!"
By now Tony is sitting back down and he smirks.
Tony: "So, Girly gets pussy whipped again."
Jake turns his ire on Tony.
Jake: "PUSSY WHIPPED!"
Tony: "YER GODDAMN RIGHT, PUSSY WHIPPED!"
Jake was about to throw a punch when...
Helen: "JAKE!"
Jake immediately calms down. Tony grins triumphantly.
Tony: "I rest my case."
Jim turns to Chris.
Jim: "Start me off with a gin martini...and be extra generous with the gin."
Chris nods in understanding.
Scene 4
Ext. Shot: A massive shopping complex with a huge neon sign that reads "Glenville Mall".
Int. Shot: The mall
Music: "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"
Quinn and Nicole are walking through the mall with their kids. They pass by a Books By The Ton.
Teddy: "Mom, can I hang out at the bookstore for a bit?"
Quinn: "Teddy, I'm not comfortable letting you wander off by yourself."
Rachel: "He won't be by himself, Mrs. Carbone. I'll go with him."
Quinn: "Thanks, Rachel, but I'd rather you and Teddy had an adult with you."
Nicole: "I'll go with them, Quinn. I need to get some stuff there anyway."
Quinn was relieved.
Quinn: "Thanks, Nicole."
With that, Nicole took Rachel and Teddy to Books By The Ton while Quinn continued on with Tommy and Timmy. As they proceed, they pass by a store called "Biker Joe's Tattoos And Piercings". In the display window Tommy sees a tattoo of a flaming skull with daggers in an X pattern beneath it encircled with the words "Ultimate Badass". Squiggle screen as Tommy begins to fantasize.
Tommy's Fantasy...
Tommy is on the playground showing off the Ultimate Badass tattoo to all the other kids.
Kid one: "Whoa! Awesome tat, Tommy!"
Kid two: "Dude, you're a total badass!"
Kid three: "Yeah! You're the coolest guy ever!"
Fantasy cuts to a shot of Tommy seated on a throne as all the other kids worship him. Above the throne is a plaque that reads "Coolest Dude Ever". Squiggle screen as we come back to reality.
Reality...
Tommy smirks as he gets an idea.
Tommy: "Mom, I have to pee. Can we stop at the restroom?"
Quinn sees this request as reasonable.
Quinn: "Okay. Timmy, do you need to go too?"
Timmy: "N.."
A look from Tommy makes Timmy instantly backpedal.
Timmy: "...I mean yes."
Suspecting nothing, Quinn leads her boys to the nearest restroom.
Scene 5
Int. Shot: The restroom entrance
Quinn stands outside the restroom and waits for Tommy and Timmy to come out.
Int. Shot: The men's room
Music: "The Nutcracker" (the one with the ringing bells going da-da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da)
There's a vent in the wall that's low enough for the boys to reach and wide enough for them to crawl through. Tommy removes the grate.
Tommy: "You first, Timmy."
Timmy is visibly nervous.
Timmy: "B...But won't we get in trouble?"
Tommy rolls his eyes.
Tommy: "Come on, Timmy. Don't be a wuss!"
Timmy is visibly feeling the pressure.
Timmy: "O...Okay."
He crawls into the vent. Tommy crawls in after him.
Int. Shot: the mall, in front of Biker Joes
Tommy and Timmy are by the window. Tommy is showing the tattoo he wants to get.
Timmy: "But Mom and Dad said no."
Tommy: "Timmy, quit being a wuss! Tattoos are cool."
Timmy: "Tommy, Mom and Dad will ground us for life if we get tattoos."
Tommy: "And the other kids will think we're totally awesome! Come on, don't you wanna be cool?"
Timmy: "But, Tommy..."
Tommy doesn't even listen to his brother as he walks right into the tattoo parlor.
Timmy: "Tommy, wait!"
Timmy hurries in after Tommy.
Cut to the front desk as Tommy approaches with a visibly nervous Timmy behind him. The guy at the counter is a bearded biker dude with a Hell Riders motorcycle vest and tattoos all over his arms. His name is Biker Joe.
Biker Joe: "What are you kids doin' in here?"
Tommy places some money on the counter.
Tommy: "One Flaming Skull Badass tattoo."
Biker Joe is visibly fighting the urge to laugh his ass off.
Biker Joe: "How old are ya?"
Tommy: "Eighteen."
Timmy: "But Tommy, we're ei...oof!"
Tommy elbowed his brother. Biker Joe rolls his eyes.
Biker Joe: "Even if your fat twin didn't spill the beans just now, I can tell yer underage."
Tommy: "So?"
Biker Joe: "So I can't work on ya without written consent from a parent or guardian. Now, get outta here before I call security!"
Scene 6
Int. Shot: Books By The Ton
Nicole is browsing at one end of a row while Teddy and Rachel are at the other end reading. Rachel's reading a book on Rennaissance Art while Teddy's reading a copy of Machiavelli's The Prince.
Tommy (VO, off screen): "Psst...Teddy."
Teddy looks around the corner and sees his two brothers standing there.
Teddy: "What do you want?"
Tommy: "Remember when I brought home that bad report card and you got me out of trouble by forging Mom and Dad's signatures?"
Teddy rolls his eyes.
Timmy: "Tommy wants you to fake a note from Mom saying it's okay for him to get a tattoo."
Teddy: "And why would I do that?"
Tommy takes some money out of his pocket.
Tommy: "Twenty bucks."
Teddy: "No."
Tommy looks at Timmy. Timmy nervously got some money out of his pocket.
Timmy: "Forty?"
Teddy: "A hundred."
Tommy and Teddy's eyes go wide.
Tommy: "We need the rest of our money to pay for the tattoo."
Teddy: "Then we don't have a deal...unless you wanna do all my chores for the next five months."
Timmy: "But Teddy..."
Tommy cuts him off.
Tommy: "Deal!"
A Daria-like half-smile forms on Teddy's face.
Int. Shot: Biker Joe's, a short time later
Biker Joe is reading the note Tommy gave him. He's initially skeptical.
Biker Joe: "You forged this."
Tommy smirks.
Tommy: "Timmy."
Timmy hands Biker Joe the same note in his own handwriting. Cut to Biker Joe's POV and we see that Tommy's note has perfect formation, spelling and grammer while Timmy's looks like it was indeed written by a second grader. Cut back to third person.
Biker Joe: (thought VO) Well, their money's as green as anyone else's and my ass is covered anyway. (out loud) "Okay, follow me."
Tommy and Timmy follow Biker Joe to a back room. Inside the room is a chair and a collapsible table. Biker Joe turns to the boys.
Biker Joe: "Last chance to back out. You sure you want a tattoo?"
Tommy: "Yes."
Biker Joe points to his workspace.
Biker Joe: "Have a seat."
Tommy eagerly hops into the seat while Biker Joe sets up the necessary equipment. Cut to a very nervous Timmy as he chickens out and slowly makes his way to the door.
Act III
Scene 1
Ext. Shot: Glenville Mall, day
Int. Shot: by the entrance to the men's restroom
Music: "Sleigh Ride Together With You"
A visibly worried Quinn is knocking on the door.
Quinn: "Boys, it's been a long time, is everything okay?"
No answer. Quinn is about to charge in when Timmy approaches...from outside the restroom!
Timmy: "Hi, Mom."
Quinn is shocked as she thought they were still using the restroom.
Quinn: "Timmy, what are you doing here!?"
Timmy gasped in horror as he realizes that he forgot to go back through the vents.
Timmy: "Um...Well...you see...uh...I got freaked out...I mean bored! Um... Tommy's still in there. Um...He ate something bad...um..."
Quinn is not buying this. She points to the door.
Quinn: "If you were just in there then how did you get out? I was by the door this whole time."
Timmy gulped with dread.
Timmy: "Um...well...magic?"
Obviously not buying it, Quinn gives her son a piercing glance.
Quinn (accusing tone): "Where's your brother?"
Timmy gulped nervously as he began to sweat profusely.
Int. Shot: Biker Joe's, a few minutes later
Tommy screams in pain as Biker Joe makes the finishing touches on his tattoo.
Tommy: "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Biker Joe: (annoyed) "Quit squirmin', kid! I'm almost done."
Suddenly...
Quinn (VO, off screen): "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY SON!?"
Startled, Biker Joe immediately stops working. Close up to show that one of the knives was not yet fully colored in but the rest of the tattoo was done. Cut to a very pissed off Quinn with a frightened Timmy cowering behind her legs.
Biker Joe: "Look, missy, he gave me a note from you sayin' it was okay."
Quinn couldn't believe what she was hearing.
Quinn: "AND YOU FELL FOR IT! That note was obviously forged! HOW STUPID ARE YOU!?"
Biker Joe pulled the note out of his pocket and handed it to Quinn. She gasped in shock when she saw it.
Quinn: (thought VO) That is my handwriting, but...
Her eyes narrowed as she remembered that her third son can copy her handwriting exactly.
Quinn: (thought VO) ...TEDDY!
She immediately yanked Tommy out of the chair.
Quinn: "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU'RE IN, THOMAS QUENTIN CARBONE!?"
She proceeded to drag Tommy out of there. Suddenly, Quinn stops and faces Biker Joe.
Quinn: "AND YOU! You can expect to hear from my lawyer!"
Biker Joe gulped with dread.
Scene 2
Ext. Shot: A store front in the mall, the sign reads "Handsome Dan's Cosmetic Clinic"
Int. Shot: An examination room
The doctor, a thirty-something with movie star looks, was examining Tommy's tattoo. Quinn, meanwhile, was giving both Timmy and Teddy a major ass chiewing.
Quinn (furious): "Timmy, I can't believe you and Tommy snuck off on me like that! And Teddy, you took a bribe to forge a note!?"
Timmy: "But Mom..."
Quinn: "SHUT UP! Boys, when we get home, I'm confiscating all of your money and it's going to be a VERY long time before any of you get an allowance ever again! Also, I don't wanna see any of you playing video games for the rest of the month AND I want all three of you to de-ice the patio this weekend AND take over all snow shoveling duties for the rest of this winter!"
Both Timmy and Teddy folded their arms and sat there pouting. Quinn turned her attention to the doctor.
Quinn: "Well?"
Doctor: "Mrs. Carbone, I can make a 60-year-old granny look like a thirty-something model. Removing your son's tattoo is a walk in the park by comparison. Just a quick laser procedure."
Quinn: "What's it cost?"
Doctor: "Twenty-five thousand dollars if you want me to do it today, and an extra four thousand for anesthesia." (pause) "All in advance, given the urgent nature of this."
Quinn was so pissed that she decided Tommy deserved a little pain.
Quinn: "Forgo the anesthesia. Tommy won't learn otherwise."
Tommy gulped with dread.
Doctor: "Twenty-five grand, please."
Quinn was visibly struggling not to explode as she handed over her credit card.
Int. Shot: Operating room
Tommy was strapped to a table with a huge laser cannon aimed right at the tattoo on his left arm. The device looked like some elaborate super weapon from a James Bond movie. The doctor was wearing goggles as he worked the controls.
Doctor: "Whatever you do, don't squirm. Trust me, you don't want this thing zapping you in the face or the groin."
Tommy was so frightened that a wet spot formed on the crotch of his pants. Cut away from Tommy as the doctor throws the switch. This results in blindingly bright flashes.
Tommy: "AAAAAAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The doctor observes with a sadistic grin on his face.
Scene 3
Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, evening
Int. Shot: the living room
Tommy was sitting on the couch with a huge bandage wrapped around the upper portion of his left arm. Timmy continually pokes him.
Tommy: "OW...Quit it!"
Timmy pokes him again.
Tommy: "OW...Quit it!"
Teddy enters the living room. He says nothing as he walks over to his brothers and proceeds to poke Tommy's injury himself.
Tommy: "OW...Quit it!"
Suddenly, the doorbell rings as Teddy pokes Tommy a second time.
Tommy: "OW...Quit it!"
Quinn (VO, off screen): "Teddy, Rachel's here!"
Teddy: "IN THE LIVING ROOM, MOM!"
Timmy, meanwhile, pokes Tommy's injury again.
Tommy: "OW...DAMMIT, TIMMY!"
Rachel comes in.
Rachel: "My Mom told me what happened. I just wanted to have a little fun at Tommy's expense."
Teddy has a Daria-like smirk on his face.
Teddy: "Be my guest."
Rachel pokes Tommy's wound.
Tommy: "OW...YOU TOO!"
Rachel: "Hey, it's your own damn fault! We've all seen that Simpsons episode where Bart did the exact same thing. What made you think you'd get away with it when he couldn't?"
Teddy: "Rachel, we both know neither of my brothers have the capacity to think."
Rachel stifled a giggle.
Rachel: "Good point."
At this point, Jim enters.
Jim: "What's going on?"
He sees Rachel.
Jim: "Hi, Rachel."
Rachel: "Hey, Mr. Carbone."
At this point Jake and Helen entered as well. Helen's eyes went wide when she saw the bandage.
Helen: "My God! What happened!?"
Teddy: "Tommy snuck off and got a tattoo, so Mom had to max out her credit card getting it surgically removed."
Jim's eyes went wide and he gasped in horror. At this point, Quinn came in and saw the shocked expression on her husband's face.
Quinn: "I guess you've heard."
Jim finally found his voice.
Jim: "QUINN, THAT CARD HAD A TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLAR LIMIT!"
Quinn: "Every penny of which the doctor wanted up front."
Jim turned to Tommy with almost murderous rage in his eyes.
Jim: "YOU FUCKING LITTLE..."
Quinn: "JIM!"
That caused Jim to snap out of it. At this point, Tony enters the living room.
Tony: "What's goin' on?" He sees Rachel. "Hey, Half-Breed."
Everyone's offended by the reference to Rachel's mixed English/Japanese ancestry.
Jim: "Dad, what did we tell you about that?"
Tony shrugged.
Tony: "Fine..." Turns to Rachel. "...sorry I called ya out on havin' a WASP dad and Jap mom."
Everyone else rolls their eyes.
Tony: "Now, what's with the bandage on Tommy?"
Quinn: "He snuck off and got a tattoo, so I had to spend a ton of money having it removed."
Tony smirks.
Tony: "Just like in that old Simpsons episode, huh? His father was the same way."
Jim: "Dad, could we not?"
Tony: "Well, you only remember what you wanna remember. I musta had another son who stole my 'Vette when he was ten years old."
Jim rolls his eyes in frustration.
Jim: "That was Chris, not me!"
Tony: "Pretty sure it was you. Chris was too good a kid for that."
Jim: "No, it was Chris. You just remember it being me because you don't wanna admit the Golden Boy could act up sometimes."
Tony angrily gets right in Jim's face.
Tony: "You contradicting me, boy!?"
Quinn immediately defuses the situation.
Quinn: "Where's Jennica?"
Helen: "You don't wanna know."
Tony: "Got sick of her whining. Dumped her at the train station."
Everyone rolls their eyes at that one. At this point, Daria comes in. She ignores everyone and pokes Tommy's wound.
Tommy: "OW! YOU TOO, AUNT DARIA!"
Close up of Daria flashing her trademark smirk.
Scene 4
Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, later that evening
Int. Shot: The dinning room
Music: "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"
The whole family (Quinn, Jim, the triplets, Daria, Jake, Helen and Tony) is seated at the table having dinner.
Daria: "So, Tommy snuck off and got a tattoo. Something familiar about that."
Jim: "You're thinking of the very first episode of The Simpsons. Bart did the exact same thing."
Daria: "Kinda the point. Thanks for ruining my joke, by the way."
Helen: "He gets that from his mother. You know, Quinn once cut school to consult a plastic surgeon."
Both Daria and Quinn gasp in shock.
Quinn: "You knew about that!?"
Helen smirks.
Helen: "A mother always knows."
Daria: "I'm a little curious as to why you didn't say anything. I went with Quinn to cover for her because we knew that if you found out we'd still be grounded for it to this very day."
Helen: "That's why I didn't say anything, Daria. I knew you'd stop her before it got too far."
Tony: "You never spanked yer kids, did ya?"
Jake: "We didn't believe in corporal punishment."
Quinn: "And neither do we."
Jim: "As much as the boys tempt us sometimes."
Tony: "Look, I'm not gonna tell ya how to discipline the kids. I'm just sayin'."
Quinn: "Look, I already confiscated their video games, cut off their allowances and I'm making them de-ice the patio tomorrow."
Jim is visibly upset by that one.
Jim: "Quinn, I was gonna make a video of myself doing that for my channel."
Jake: "People click on videos of someone de-icing a patio!?"
Jim grins.
Jim: "They do if you use a flamethrower."
Tony visibly likes the sound of that.
Tony: "OOH-RAH! Finally manning up, I see." Pause. "You could always just beat 'em. It worked on Jim and Chris."
Quinn: (adamant) "We are NOT using corporal punishment on the boys!"
Cut to Daria.
Daria: (dead pan) "Well, this is certainly a pleasant conversation."
Cut to Tony.
Tony: "Suit yourself. I'm just tellin' yas what worked for me. Does Jim leave his dirty laundry lying around?"
Quinn: "No."
Tony: "Got the beatings I gave him to thank for that, so you're welcome."
Cut to an angry looking Jake.
Jake: "Oh, do I ever remember what that's like! Always cowering in fear! Afraid to do anything because I'd get beaten with the old man's belt! 'You disobeyed me, Jake!' 'How dare you play with dolls, Jake!' 'Dish washing's women's work, Jake!' 'Take your goddamn punishment, Jake!' 'QUIT CRYING, YOU LITTLE WIMP! YOU MADE ME LOSE COUNT! NOW I HAFTA START THE WHOLE BEATING AGAIN, YA DAMN CRYBABY!' DAMN, YOU, MAD DOG! I HOPE YOU'RE ROTTING IN HELL RIGHT NOW, GODDAMMIT!"
Helen: "JAKE!"
This snaps him out of his rant, until...
Tony: "He obviously didn't beat ya hard enough, ya girly-ass hippie! Yer wife's more of a man then you are!"
Jake immediately loses it. He angrily stands up.
Jake: "THAT'S IT, YOU BASTARD! YOU'RE JUST LIKE MY FATHER! YOU'RE JUST LIKE MAD DOG!"
Helen: "JAKE, DON'T..."
Helen was too late. Jake immediately punched Tony right in the face. The punch was so hard that Tony fell out of his chair. Close up to show blood dripping from Tony's nose. Tony stands up and glares menacingly at Jake.
Tony: (chilling growl) "Dyin' time, commie!"
Tony lunged at Jake, grabbed him by the throat and wrestled him to the ground. The two septuagenarians proceed to mercilessly punch each other. Both Jim and Helen leap up from their seats and try to pull Tony and Jake off of each other. Cut to Quinn as she stares in horror. Cut to the triplets, all three of whom are visibly amused by the chaos unfolding in front of them. Finally, cut to Daria flashing that famous half-smirk.
Daria: "God bless us, every one."
Scene 5
Ext. Shot: White residence, evening
Int. Shot: master bedroom
Jamie and Nicole were getting ready for bed. Jamie sat on the edge wearing a t-shirt and boxer shorts while Nicole was in the bathroom. His 'legs' had titanium shins and ceramic thighs into which the remainder of his thighs fit perfectly. For those who don't know, Jamie lost his legs in Iraq when his convoy was ambushed on the streets of Baghdad. He was currently laughing as Nicole has just told him about her day.
Jamie: "You're kidding!"
Nicole emerges from the bathroom in a white bathrobe with an image of a bonzai tree in front of a rising sun on one side and the Japanese characters for strength and beauty on the other.
Nicole: "Nope. Tommy really did sneak off and get a tattoo, and then Quinn had to drag him to a plastic surgeon to get it removed."
Jamie: "Just like in that old Simpsons episode."
Nicole: "That's what I said too."
Nicole walks over to her side of the bed. She then unties her robe. Cut to a shot from the shoulders up as she opens it and takes the robe off. Cut to a rear shot and we see that she's completely naked. She then climbs into bed at an angle that prevents us from seeing anything NSFW. Cut to show Nicole now under the covers.
Nicole: "So, you have the rest of the month off?"
Jamie nods.
Jamie: "Holiday break. I'm off until January second. Why?"
Nicole eyes her husband with a lustful grin.
Nicole: "I'm feeling..." Her voice takes on a sultry tone. "...randy. Whaddaya say we start Christmas Vacation off with a...hot bang?"
Jamie visibly likes the sound of that. Cut back to Nicole.
Nicole: "Take me, Jamie."
Cut back to Jamie.
Jamie: "Just a sec."
Cut to Nicole.
Nicole: "Can't wait, babe." She sensuously licks her lips. "I want you to ravage me...all...night...long."
A visibly excited Jamie was about to remove both his underwear and prosthetics when the doorbell rang. His look of lust instantly transforms into one of disappointment.
Jamie: "You gotta be shitting me!"
He throws on his bathrobe.
Jamie: "I don't freaking believe this."
Nicole reassured him.
Nicole: "Don't worry, babe. I'm not going anywhere."
Jamie goes to answer the front door.
Int. Shot: Front entrance
Jamie opens the door. It's Jim, accompanied by a visibly beat up Tony.
Jim: "Jamie, I hate to do this, but could you take in a fellow war hero?"
Jamie frowned. Not only is he not getting laid after all, but now he has to put up Tony Carbone in his guest room.
To be continued...