Part II

Act IV

Scene 1

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, morning

Int. Shot: The kitchen

Since it's Sunday morning, Jim (like the Italian-American he is) was in the kitchen making the gravy (meat heavy tomato sauce) for dinner. He'd just finished slicing the sausages he'd fried when Jake came in.

Jake: "Hey, Jim. Whatcha making?"

Jim: "Sunday gravy."

Jake: "You mean spaghetti sauce?"

Jim talks as he starts to fry minced garlic in olive oil.

Jim: "Yeah, but we call it gravy. It's an Italian thing."

Jake: "Gotcha."

Jim now has an idea.

Jim: "Wanna help me with it?"

Jake's eyes lit up with excitement.

Jake: "Sure!"

Jim signals Jake over as he adds onions to the garlic and olive oil.

Jim: "Then come on over and learn something. To paraphrase a certain movie, you never know when you might have to cook for twenty guys someday."

Jake stands next to Jim as the latter continues to fry the garlic and onions.

Jim: "You start with a little olive oil and fry the garlic in it, once the garlic gets going you put in the onions. Keep stirring and make sure it doesn't stick."

Jake stirs as Jim gets the next ingredients. He has a pound of ground veal and a pound of ground pork.

Jim: "Then, you add the pork."

He dumps the ground pork in.

Jim: "While it's frying stab it all over with the spoon to keep it from sticking in clumps."

Jake follows the instructions to the letter as Jim throws in some basil and oregano. He then gets the ground veal.

Jim: "Do the same thing with the veal."

After Jim dumps the ground veal in, Jake continues to follow the instructions. While Jake stirs, Jim pounds a flank steak flat with a mallet. Next, he puts parsely, provolone, mozzarella and ricotta cheese on the flattened steak. Jim then rolls the steak over the cheese filling and ties the ends before inserting toothpicks to hold it together.

Jim: "Next, we get the tomato paste."

He takes two cans of tomato paste and empties them into the pot. He then takes an open bottle of chianti.

Jim: "Add a little wine."

He pours the wine in. Next, Jim takes the rolled up, cheese filled beef.

Jim: "The braciole."

Jim then takes two large cans of crushed tomatoes and pours them in.

Jim: "The tomatoes."

He then liberally sprinkles garlic powder, parsely, oregano and basil as Jake continues to stir. He then takes the sliced sausages and a bunch of hand rolled meatballs.

Jim: "Then, you add your sausages and meatballs."

Jim then grabs the bottle of chianti.

Jim: "A little more wine."

After pouring the wine in, Jim grabs a cup of sugar and pours that in.

Jim: "Some sugar."

He then takes a bunch of sliced portabella mushrooms and puts them in.

Jim: "Mushrooms."

He then puts another shot of chianti in.

Jim: "Top it off with a little more wine."

He puts the wine away.

Jim: "And that's how you do it."

Jake: "Neato!"

At this point, Daria comes in.

Daria: "Showing Michael your sauce recipie, Clemenza."

Jim chuckled at the Godfather reference.

Jake: "Um, I don't get it."

Both Jim and Daria frown.

Scene 2

Ext. Shot: White residence

Int. Shot: The living room

Music: "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"

Jamie and Tony are swapping war stories.

Tony: "So we fast roped into that building when an NVA came up and tackled me from behind. I took his gun, a Spaz-12, and fuckin' blew the commie away."

Jamie: "Reminds me of the time we cleared a building in Fallujah. I took point and was immediately tackled to the ground by a jihadist. The squad leader pulled him off me only to get jumped by another jihadist. I shot that one as he was trying to knife my squad leader."

A visibly annoyed Nicole came in.

Nicole: "War stories?"

Tony: "Damn right, Sexy Jap!"

Jamie rolls his eyes.

Jamie: "Could you please not call my wife a Jap?"

Tony gets right in Jamie's face.

Tony: "I'll call her whatever I want, Corporal. And address me properly! Do I make myself clear?"

Both Jamie and Nicole stared daggers at Tony.

Tony: "DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, CORPORAL!"

Jamie's Army training kicked in, causing him to salute on reflex.

Jamie: "YES, SERGEANT MAJOR!"

Tony: "At ease, corporal."

Jamie stops saluting. Nicole's patience was visibly wearing thin.

Nicole: "Jamie, a word."

Jamie was about to get up to speak with his wife when Tony stopped him.

Tony: "Tell yer woman to quit speaking outta turn."

Nicole takes offense.

Nicole: "Excuse me!"

Tony ignores her and focuses on Jamie.

Tony: "THAT'S AN ORDER!"

Nervous, Jamie looks at Nicole.

Jamie: "Um, Nicole. Maybe you should.."

Nicole cut him off.

Nicole: (icy tone) "Don't you dare!"

Tony rolls his eyes.

Tony: "Did your balls get blown off in Iraq too?"

Tony got in Nicole's face.

Tony: "Learn your place, woman. Don't speak while men are talking. Now, get yer ass in the kitchen! I'm hungry!"

Nicole looks like she could attack Tony at any moment.

Scene 3

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, day

Int. Shot: The kitchen

Quinn and Daria are chatting over hot cocoa.

Daria: "I have to admit, it's a lot more peaceful here without the father-in-law from Hell."

Quinn nodded.

Quinn: "Tell me about it. That's the second time he's pushed Dad over the edge. Remember my wedding?"

Daria: "Kind of hard to forget that. First, Tony caused a scene during the ceremony. Then he attacked Jim at the reception."

Quinn: "Remember how that ended with Dad punching Tony?"

Daria nods.

Daria: "Since it caused a full-scale riot, I don't see how I couldn't."

Before the conversation can continue the doorbell rings. Both Quinn and Daria walk over to answer. As Quinn opens the door, we see a man in his mid-sixties with gray hair that's slicked back. He's fat and wears a leather jacket over a hawaiian shirt that's unbuttoned low enough to show off his chest hair and his gold necklace with a huge gold cross on it. His other bling includes a pinkie ring on each hand, his wedding band, a gaudy man ring, a gold bracelet on one wrist and a 24-karat Rolex watch on the other. The man is Vito Carbone, Jim's uncle/Tony's kid brother.

Vito: "OOOOO! Quinn, Daria! How youse ladies doin'?"

Vito proceeds to hug Quinn. She reciprocates as he is family.

Quinn: "I'm good, Uncle Vito."

Vito hugs Daria, but Daria doesn't return the gesture. In fact, she's visibly repulsed by this man. Partially this is due to Vito's wearing way too much cheap cologne, but mostly it's because Daria has a low tolerance for binge drinking, chain smoking, degenerate gambling lecherous jerks.

Daria: "Vito, use a little less cologne next time."

Vito releases Daria from the hug.

Vito: "Ya know, I never did unnerstand whys ya don' show off yer curves more."

Daria: (dead pan) "Some weird notion of wanting to be respected for my mind instead of my body."

Quinn immediately changes the subject.

Quinn: "So, what brings you here?"

Vito: "Hoird my brother was in town."

Quinn: "We put him up with the neighbors."

Daria: "He got into a fisticuff with my father last night."

Vito: "Sounds like 'im. Tony's funny...in a disturbingly mean-spirited kinda way." Pause. "Hey, listen, youse guys throwin' a Christmas Eve party this year?"

Quinn: "Yes. You, Aunt Patti and Chris are all invited."

Vito: "Actually, Aunt Patti can't come."

Quinn: "How come?"

Vito: "'Cause I'm bringin' my assistant, Ashley."

Daria raised an eyebrow.

Daria: "And your wife's okay with that?"

Vito winks.

Vito: "Okay as long as she don' know aboudit."

Both Daria and Quinn frown disapprovingly.

Scene 4

Ext. Shot: White residence, evening

Int. Shot: The living room

Tony, Jamie and Rachel were watching TV. On the screen was a guy in a Santa Clause costume breaking into a house with a crowbar.

TV Announcer: "This version of Santa doesn't come in through the chimney...He breaks in through the front door! Santa Burgler, next on Sick, Sad World!"

Cut to Tony, Jamie and Rachel. Tony looks questioningly at Jamie.

Tony: "You let yer kid watch this shit!?"

Jamie: "Yeah. Why?"

Tony: "Tha's not how ya raise a proper woman, that's why." He turns to Rachel. "Shouldn' ya be in the kitchen helpin' yer mother wit' the sushi?"

Rachel: "One, I'm only eight years old. Two, just because my mother's Japanese-American doesn't mean all we eat is sushi."

Tony turns to Jamie.

Tony: "Corporal, tell yer kid to get in tha kitchen an' help her mother with the women's work."

Jamie: "Now, Sergeant Major..."

Tony: "THAT'S AN ORDER, GRUNT!"

Jamie rolls his eyes in frustration.

Jamie: "Look, you're a guest in my home and..."

Tony interrupts.

Tony: "And ya was only a corporal when ya got out. I made it all the way to sergeant major...AN' I'M PULLIN' RANK, SOLDIER!"

Before things can escalate further, Nicole enters. Upon seeing Tony, she takes a deep breath to calm herself down as Nicole really resents his presence.

Nicole: "Mr. Carbone..."

Tony: "CALL ME SERGEANT MAJOR, YA INSUBORDINATE JAP!"

Nicole is visibly fighting the urge to attack him.

Nicole: "Sergeant Major, how long until you can go back next door?"

Tony turns to Jamie.

Tony: "Yer not actually gonna let her kick me out, are yas?"

Jamie: "With all due respect, Sergeant Major, you haven't been a respectful house guest."

Tony: "Come on, from one Medal of Honor winner to another."

Jamie sighed. Nicole rolls her eyes.

Nicole: "Look, dinner's ready."

Tony: "I'll take my dinner in here."

Nicole: "Hey, my house, my rules! We eat in the kitchen."

Tony turns to Jamie again.

Tony: "Corporal, tell yer woman I'm eating in here!"

Jamie sighs.

Jamie: "Look, Nicole, just let him eat in here."

Nicole emits a frustrated sigh.

Nicole: "Fine!"

Tony: "Well, go on, woman! Get me my dinner!"

He punctuates this by smacking her ass. Nicole angrily grabs his wrist and gets in his face.

Nicole: "TOUCH ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, YOU OLD BASTARD, AND YOU'LL BE HAVING YOUR OWN BALLS FOR DINNER!"

Tony: "I like 'em feisty!"

Jamie buries his face in his hands out of embarrassment.

Scene 5

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, evening

Int. Shot: The dinning room

Quinn, Jim, Daria, Jake, Helen and the triplets are sitting down to dinner. They're having spaghetti with Sunday Gravy.

Timmy: "This is good!"

Timmy, like the little glutton he is, eats his spaghetti with gusto.

Tommy: "Jeez, Timmy, could you be any more of a fatso."

Quinn: (stern) "Tommy!"

Tommy: "But, Muh-ohm, I already get flak for having a fat brother! I don't need him getting fatter."

Teddy: "What about me getting smarter?"

Tommy gasps in horror at the prospect of Teddy being even more of a brain than he already is.

Jake: "Something familiar about all of this."

Helen: "Yes, Tommy's definitely his mother's son."

This causes Quinn to blush with embarrassment.

Jake: "Well, at least we don't have to deal with that psycho tonight."

Jim: "Could you please not call my dad that in front of the boys. After all, they're his grandsons too."

Jake: "Sorry! It's just that he reminds me of my own father." His face darkens. "Lousy, rigid, uncaring, BRUTAL OLD..."

Helen: "JAKE!"

That snaps him out of his impending rant.

Jake: "Sorry!"

Suddenly, the doorbell rings.

Jim: "I'll get it."

He gets up to answer the front door.

Int. shot: Front entrance

Jim opens the door. Standing there is his father and a visibly pissed off Nicole. Tony actually has a black eye.

Nicole: "I'VE HAD IT WITH THIS JERK!"

Jim sighs.

Jim: "What did Dad do?"

Tony: "Nothin'. Alls I did was tell her to get my dinner!"

Nicole: "And smacked my ass when he did!"

Nicole then shoves Tony into the house.

Nicole: "Jim, he's your father...HE'S YOUR FREAKING PROBLEM!"

Nicole then angrily slams the door in both of their faces.

Act V

Scene 1

Ext. Shot: A small two-story New England style house in Glenville, day

Int. Shot: Living room

Daria and Quinn are chatting with Jane and Trent. Quinn was explaining the situation at Casa Carbone to them.

Quinn: "So now we're stuck with Tony again and Nicole's really pissed at us for trying to dump him at her place."

Daria: "Frankly, I just ignore him. My approach to Tony Carbone is to just let the little kid have his tantrum until he tires himself out. After all, it worked with my dad all those years."

Jane: "Your dad isn't an ex-Green Beret with more medals than I can count."

Quinn: "Tell me about it. If I hear him brag..." (Mockingly imitates Tony's voice) "...'I killed over a hundred commies in 'Nam'..." (Resumes her real voice.) "...one more time, I'm gonna go postal."

Trent scratches his now gray goatee and starts to sing.

Trent: "Blow commies away, every single day, death and destruction, that's what they say, gotta survive, gotta stay alive, tell myself that while I stick in the knife. Death machine, that's all I can be, death machine, killing for my country, death machine, I settle the score, death machine, just a tool of war."

The other three look at him funny.

Trent: "Sorry. You know, inspiration."

Quinn decides to get off the subject of her war-obsessed father-in-law.

Quinn: "So, you guys are coming to our Christmas Eve party, right?"

Jane: "Of course." Pause. "But I'm bringing a camcorder."

Daria: "Let me guess. You wanna catch a rematch between my father and Tony?"

Jane: "Bingo! After the bodies stop twitching I can either use the footage to inspire interesting art or just send it in to Sick, Sad World."

Trent suddenly gets an idea.

Trent: "Um, Would you like my band to play at this thing? We could use the gig."

Quinn: "Do you play Christmas music?"

Trent: "No. Mystik Explosion doesn't do covers."

Quinn: "Then you can't play at our Christmas Eve party. You can bring the band but leave the instruments at home."

Trent: "I can bring Alyssa, right?"

Daria: "Well, she is your daughter, so I'd think that's a given."

Trent: "Yeah, I'm still kinda figuring out this whole parenting thing."

Jane: "Who else is gonna be there?"

Daria: "Besides you guys, us, my parents and Tony, we've also invited the Sloanes, the Whites, Chris, Vito and a bunch of Quinn and Jim's friends that I don't bother taking the time to get to know."

Jane smirks.

Jane: "Same old Daria."

Quinn: "I just hope my father and Tony behave themselves." Pause as she looks thoughtful before emitting a defeated sigh. "Who am I kidding?"

Jane looks thoughtful for a moment.

Jane: "The party's gonna turn into a riot, isn't it?"

Daria: "You sound like you expected otherwise."

Jane stifled a chuckle.

Jane: "Yeah, that's a miracle even the spirit of Christmas can't pull of."

Scene 2

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, day

Int. Shot: kitchen

Jake is in the kitchen stirring a large vat of stew. Helen enters and immediately gasps in horror.

Helen: "Oh, God, Jake, not again!"

Jake: (whiny) "But I love kitchen sink stew."

Helen: "Despite the fact that you typically react to the taste by either gagging, vomiting or becoming so ill that we spend the whole evening in the emergency room."

Jake: "But, Helen...EEP!"

Cut to his POV and we see what made Jake so nervous all of the sudden. Tony just entered.

Tony: "That what I think it is?"

Cut to third person.

Jake: "Um...Yeah!...It's...uh...It's something they used to serve us in Buxton Ridge...It's called..."

Tony interrupts.

Tony: "Kitchen sink stew."

Both Jake and Helen are visibly shocked that Tony knows what it is.

Tony: "Don't surprise me that they served it in military school. That stuff was an Army staple in the good old days. They served it in the mess hall just about everywhere I was stationed during my first ten years in the service. Got addicted to it real quick."

Jake stares in shock. Helen, however, gets over her shock and proceeds to give Tony a piece of her mind.

Helen: "Tony, we need to talk about your behavior. Your conduct since you arrived has been entirely unacceptable."

Tony visibly swallows the urge to tell Helen to shut up and punctuate it with a sexist insult. After literally swallowing his pride, Tony speaks in an uncharacteristically humble fashion.

Tony: "That's actually why I came in here. I'm still kinda seething from the fact that a civilian kicked my ass the other night. I mean, I'm a former Ranger, Green Beret and Delta Force operator, for chrissake! Gettin' my ass kicked by an ex-hippie's pretty damn humiliatin' for a guy who killed more than a hundred commies in 'Nam."

Jake: (nervous) "Um...well...uh...Sorry I hit you!"

Tony frowns.

Tony: "I deserved it. I was way outta line."

Both Jake and Helen gasp in shock. Tony walks up to Jake in a surprisingly non-threatening manner.

Tony: "Look, now that I had time ta think about it, I deserved it. I was being a loud, insensitive jerk." He extends his hands. "Whaddaya say we bury the hatchet? It's Christmas time, after all."

Jake nervously shakes Tony's hand.

Jake: "Um...thanks?"

As the handshake ends, Tony smiles warmly. He then dips a spoon into the stew and takes a sip.

Tony: "Needs more sugar."

Jake does an immediate face palm.

Jake: "That's what I've been forgetting all these years!" He turns to Tony. "Thanks...Sergeant Major!"

Tony: (friendly tone) "Call me Tony...Jake."

Cut to Helen eyeing Tony suspiciously.

Helen: (thought VO) Why does this feel like a set up?

Ext. Shot: back yard, a little while later

Having bonded with Jake over kitchen sink stew, Tony takes in the cold December air and grins.

Tony: (thought VO) So far, so good! I just keep at it an' four-eyes will be outta here in a matter of days.

Tony allows himself a grin at his clever scheme to move Daria out of Jim and Quinn's house.

Scene 3

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, Christmas Eve

Music: "Jingle Bell Rock"

There's a row of cars all along Kling Street as the Christmas Eve party is in full swing.

Int. Shot: The living room

The guest roster reads as a who's who of Quinn and Jim's friends and neighbors. Cut to the TV and we see Tommy, Timmy, Alyssa, Shane and Alexis Sloane, along with a bunch of other kids, playing video games while Teddy and Rachel look on disdainfully in a manner similar to Daria and Jane back in high school. Cut to another corner and we see Jim making small talk with Jamie, Chris, Tom and a few other guys who live in the neighborhood.

Tom: "So now I've decided to combat inflation by giving everyone a raise. I just hope none of our employees notice that I raided their pensions in order to pay for the pay hike."

Cut to another corner of the living room and we see Tony and Jake making small talk over drinks.

Tony: "So, yer a martini man, huh?"

Jake: "Yeah. What's your poison?"

Tony: "Jack on the rocks."

Cut to Daria and Jane observing this from nearby. Jane has a camcorder in her hand and a disappointed look on her face.

Jane: "Daria, you promised me a rematch between those two!"

Daria: "How was I to know my father and Tony would bury the hatchet and actually start acting like best friends?"

Cut to where Jim, Chris, Jamie and Tom are. They're staring in amazement at Jake and Tony.

Chris: "Jim, did you put acid in the drinks, 'cause it looks like Dad and Quinn's father are actually getting along?"

Cut to Chris's POV and we see Tony actually laugh at a joke Jake told. Cut to third person.

Jim: "Believe me, Chris, I'm as shocked as you."

Tom: "Maybe your father's mellowed a bit."

Jim shakes his head.

Jim: "No, I'm pretty sure the old man's working some kind of angle. I just can't figure out what it is."

Jamie: "Maybe getting Nicole kicking him outta our place wised him up."

Both Jim and Chris give Jamie a 'who are you kidding' look. Cut back to Tony and Jake. Their drinks are now empty.

Jake: "Well, time for a refill. Jack on the rocks, right?"

Tony: "Actually, lemme get the drinks."

Jake was pleasantly surprised by this.

Jake: "Okay! How about I try a Jack on the rocks too?"

Tony stands up and smiles politely.

Tony: "You got it, pal. Be back in a few."

Tony then makes his way to the dinning room, where the liquor cabinet is.

Scene 4

Int. Shot: The dinning room

Quinn, Helen and Nicole are laying out some more refreshments on the table.

Quinn: "Sorry for dumping my father-in-law on you, Nicole."

Nicole shrugged.

Nicole: "Relax, Quinn. It was the best you could do on such short notice. Just don't expect me to be so forgiving if it happens again."

Helen: "At least he's now behaving himself...for once." Pause. "You know, at first I thought Tony was up to something, but I don't think he has the self-control necessary to keep up an act for this long."

Cut to a corner and we see Sandi watching the other three women set the table.

Sandi: "You know, Kuh-winn, the arrangement on that table is sooo not done!"

Quinn rolls her eyes.

Quinn: "Well, maybe you could actually help us instead of just stand there and criticize."

Sandi: "Very well...BLANCA!"

A young Mexican woman emerges from the kitchen.

Blanca: "Si, Senora Sloane."

Sandi: "Be a dear and show these people how to properly set a refreshment table."

Blanca: "Si, yes, Mrs. Sloane."

Helen looks at Quinn.

Helen: "Is it just me, or has marrying into the Sloane's brought back some of Sandi's old snobbery?"

Quinn: "Yeah, she lets being rich and powerful go to her head sometimes." Pause as she notices the 'oh, come on now' looks on Nicole's face, prompting Quinn to amend her statement. "Okay, most of the time."

At this point, Tony enters. He makes his way to the liquor cabinet.

Tony: "Don't mind me. Just gettin' some fresh drinks."

Cut to Sandi.

Sandi: "What are you having, Mr. Carbone?"

Tony: "Jake an' I are both havin' a Jack on the rocks."

Sandi: "BLANCA!"

Blanca stops setting the table.

Blanca: (slightly annoyed) "Si."

Sandi: "Never mind setting the table. I want you to pour two Jack on the rocks for Mr. Carbone."

Blanca: "With all due respect, Mrs. Sloane, you told me I was coming as your plus one, not your maid."

Sandi: "Blanca, you ARE my maid."

Blanca: "Am I being paid for working on my night off?"

Sandi: "Not in money. However, it'd be a shame if you mysteriously lost your green card, wouldn't it?" Her voice then takes on a polite yet insincere tone. "Besides, I can't count on Consuela to be as helpful as you."*

*(Author's note: Is it really such a surprise that Sandi both abuses and underpays her household staff?)

Blanca let out a resigned sigh as she proceeded to pour Tony the drinks. After this, Tony reaches into his pocket and gives her a hundred-dollar bill.

Tony: "Here, you deserve it."

Blanca: "Gracias, Senor."

Impressed, Helen walks over to Tony.

Helen: "I have to say, Tony, it's certainly refreshing to see you actually being polite."

Tony shrugs.

Tony: "Well, it finally occurs to me that I'm almost eighty. I can't be pissin' people off anymore. After all, clocks ticking an' I need people to take care of me when I get too old to do it myself...an' that time's coming soon, whether I like it or not."

Helen: (sympathetic) "I know the feeling."

Tony: "I just don't wanna wind up in a nursing home 'cause I burned too many bridges."

Cut to Quinn. She eyes Tony with GREAT suspicion. Cut back to Helen and we see that her sympathy is beginning to overwhelm her common sense.

Scene 5

Int. Shot: The living room

Daria and Jane were continuing to chat.

Jane: "...so I finally told the art collector 'Look, pal, why don't you pay me in money. Not in parties, not in favors, in money'. Needless to say, I won't be doing business with him again."

Daria: "What is it that makes people think artists are down for sex with anyone?"

Jane: "I blame PornHub."

At this point, they're approached by Helen and Jake.

Helen: "Daria, sweetie, could we talk with you for a second?"

Daria lets out a sigh.

Int. Shot: The kitchen, a few minutes later.

Jake and Helen are talking to a visibly uncomfortable Daria.

Helen: "Sweetie, why are you living with Quinn anyway?"

Daria: (dead pan) "Gee, let me think. Oh, yeah, my apartment collapsed in on itself due to shotty maintenance."

Jake: "Kiddo, we ask because we think it's unfair to Quinn that you live in her guest room."

Daria rolls her eyes.

Daria: "You know, I am looking for my own place. It just takes time."

Helen: "How hard can it be to find a new apartment?"

Daria: "Mom, this is the New York City area. The only metro housing market more costly than here is LA."

Helen: "Daria, when your father and I left the commune, we had no trouble finding a place in the Bay Area."

Daria: "Okay, Boomer, that was in 1973. Finding decent housing at an affordable price is nowhere near as easy now as it was back then."

At this point, Quinn entered. She could feel the sudden tension in the room.

Quinn: "What's going on?"

Jake: "Just trying to help you and Jim out."

Quinn stares blankly.

Daria: "Mom and Dad are trying to guilt trip me into moving out of your guest room."

Quinn's eyes narrow as she immediately puts all the pieces together.

Quinn: "Mom, Dad, does what Tony said about getting old have anything to do with this?"

Helen: "Quinn, sweetie, he is turning 79 next week. Wouldn't it be nice if he had a place to stay when he can't take care of himself anymore?"

Quinn: "Yes, but I'll be damned if that place is here."

Daria's eyes narrow at her parents.

Daria: "So, you guys are trying to guilt trip me into moving out just so Tony has a place to go when he can't wipe himself anymore?"

Jake: "Well, it'd also be nice if your mother and I had someone to take care of us when we get to that point too. We figure you get us and Quinn gets Tony."

Helen: "We need to start thinking about the future."

Before the conversation can continue, Jim comes in.

Jim: "What's going on?"

Quinn: "Babe, you DEFINITELY wanna sit down before we tell you."

Jim nervously sits down.

Jim: "Okay."

Helen: "Jake and I feel that it's best Daria find her own place so that there's room for your father when he gets too old to take care of himself."

Jim gulps. He's long dreaded the day a conversation like this happens. Tony enters the kitchen.

Tony: "So, Jim, is Daria planning to move out?"

Everyone gasped.

Jake: "Wait, I thought we were talking about the future!?"

Helen: "That was my assumption as well!"

Tony becomes visibly nervous as all eyes are now on him. Obviously, he didn't plan this out as well as he'd thought. Finally, he lets out a sigh.

Tony: "Okay, fine! I sold the house in Virginia. Jim, I came up here so I could move in with yas. So, how long 'til Daria's out so's I can get her guest room?"

Everyone gasped in horror.

Tony: "What? Jim, I'm movin' in wit' yas!"

Jim's face loses all color.

Act VI

Scene 1

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, Christmas Eve

Int. Shot: The kitchen

Tony has just dropped a major bombshell on everyone. He's just revealed that he sold his house in Virginia and that he's been trying to force Daria out so that he can move into the guest room. Jake and Helen are shocked, Jim's paralyzed with worry while Daria and Quinn are absolutely livid.

Quinn: "No...freaking...WAY! Like hell, you're moving in with us, Tony. Yes, you're my father-in-law and, yes, you get along great with my kids, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you take over this house!"

Tony: "Shut it, woman! Yer kickin' four-eyes out an' I'm movin' in...THAT'S AN ORDER!"

Quinn is visibly fighting the urge to smack the shit out of him. Jim stands there, face frozen in shock.

Daria: "You know, last time I checked it's considered bad form th bite the hand that feeds you."

Tony turns his ire on Daria.

Tony: "I DIDN'T AX YOU A GODDAMN THING, YOU FUCKIN' FOUR-EYED SPINSTER!"

Daria: "Are you seventy-eight, or seven? Because I've met preschoolers who are less bratty and defiant than you."

Tony stars daggers at Daria. Cut to Quinn.

Quinn: "Don't you freaking dare, Tony!"

Tony slaps Daria so hard that she falls to the floor.

Tony: "LEARN YOUR PLACE, YA GODDAMN FREELOADER!"

Daria gets back on her feet. Her expression is impassive as usual.

Daria: "You just proved my point, you self-entitled jerk."

Tony: "I'M A WAR HERO, DAMMIT!"

Daria: "What you are is an angry man-child who uses his military record as an excuse to be a complete tool. Congratulations, it must've taken so much hard work to become such a hate-filled, unlikable bastard in a single lifetime."

Close up of Tony as he angrily raises his hand to smack Daria again. Suddenly, before he can strike, another hand grabs his wrist and twists his arm around him. Pan out to reveal that it's Quinn who's restraining him. When she speaks, her voice is a menacing hiss that would make The Terminator piss himself with fear.

Quinn: "If you EVER hit my sister again, I swear on everything sacred that I WILL kill you, you miserable fuck!"

Cut to Jake and Helen.

Jake: "I thought Daria and Quinn hated each other."

Helen emits an exacerbated sigh.

Helen: "Really, Jake? They started getting along towards the end of high school and that trend has only continued in the twenty-plus years since then!"

Jake appears genuinely surprised.

Jake: "Really!? How come I never noticed!?"

Helen groans and rolls her eyes.

Helen: "With all due respect, Jakey, I could fill a whole library's worth of books with the things you don't notice!"

Cut back to Quinn as she continues to restrain Tony.

Tony: "DAMMIT, JIM, TELL YOUR WOMAN TO STAY OUTTA THIS! THEN, TELL THE FOUR-EYED BITCH TO START PACKIN' SO'S I CAN MOVE IN! NOW, YOU PUSSY-ASS!"

That snapped Jim out of his shock. He glares angrily at his father.

Jim: "No, Dad."

Tony's eyes go wide with shock. Quinn is so shocked that she releases Tony.

Tony: "NO!?"

Jim: "You heard me! Look, you're my father and I love you, but you're not moving in and Daria's only moving out if it's her decision."

Tony: "Dammit, Jim, I'm your father and a war hero! I KILLED A HUNDRED GOOKS IN 'NAM AND YOU WOULDN'T EVEN EXIST IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME!"

Jim remains adamant.

Jim: "Be that as it may, you aren't moving in with us. Look, I'm grateful for both your service to this country and your contribution to my very existence, but this isn't about that. It's about you being an angry, spiteful, bitter old man who blames his problems on everyone but himself...AND IT'S HIGH TIME THAT I DRAW THE LINE!"

Tony: "You...you...YOU FUCKING INGRATE!"

Tony grabs Jim and throws him against the counter.

Tony: "YOU DARE DISRESPECT ME, YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPERM!"

Jim grabs Tony's hands and shoves him off.

Jim: "PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME AGAIN AND YOU'RE A FUCKING DEAD MAN!"

Tony comes completely unglued.

Tony: "AAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He then charges into the dinning room.

Int. Shot: The dinning room

Tony practically knocks Nicole, Sandi and Blanca on their asses as he charges through them. He grabs the refreshment table and turns it over, spilling everything on the floor.

Tony: "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He then runs to the dinette set and punches through the glass doors so hard that he also breaks the fine China plates inside. Next, running on adrenalin, he punches the liquor cabinet so hard that the door splinters and several of the bottles inside shatter.

Tony: "I'LL FUCK THIS SHIT PLACE UP BEYOND REPAIR, YOU FUCKING UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS!"

He then angrily charges into the living room.

Int. Shot: The living room

Tony barrels right in front of the kids as they're playing video games. He angrily kicks the Xbox so hard that it falls to the floor and breaks. Cut to the visibly upset kids.

Tommy, Timmy and Shane Sloane: "HEY!"

Tony ignores them as he knocks the TV off of its stand. Cut to his POV and everything has a red tint, and everyone looks like Viet Cong. Cut to third person as he charges at Uncle Vito and the blond woman in her twenties wearing a very revealing evening dress. The woman is Uncle Vito's mistress. Tony grabs the front of her gown and tears it off, but censor stamps appear over her boobs before we can see anything. Cut to Uncle Vito with a lecherous grin on his face.

Vito: "AWRIGHT, FREE SHOW!"

Tony angrily charges out the front door and runs off into the night. Cut to Jane. She's filming everything with a camcorder and has a huge smile on her face.

Jane: "Screw the fight with Jake, this is even better!"

Scene 2

Ext. Shot: The streets of Glenville

Tony angrily paces with his hands balled up into fists and a look of animalistic rage on his face.

Tony: "Goddamn, motherfuckin' ingrates!"

At this point he passes by a young couple out for an evening stroll. They see Tony but fail to notice that he's NOT in a friendly mood.

Man: "Merry Christmas!"

Tony stops.

Tony: "What did you say to me!"

Neither of them notice the confrontational tone.

Woman: "My husband wished you a Merry Christmas!"

Tony angrily punched the husband so hard that he fell on his ass.

Tony: "Wish that a Merry Christmas, ya annoying prick!"

Wife: "HEY! What the hell's your problem!?"

Tony responds with a head-butt that knocks her to the ground. This prompts her husband to attack Tony.

Husband: "LEAVE MY WIFE ALONE, YA GODDAMN PSYCHO!"

He throws a punch, but Tony blocks it and then bends the guy's arm until the shoulder pops out of the socket.

Husband: "AAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Cut to the wife.

Wife: "YOU'RE CRAZY!"

Tony: "AND YOU'RE A FUCKING CUNT!"

The wife whips out her cell phone.

Wife: "I'M CALLING THE POLICE!"

Tony snatches her cell phone and throws it on the ground so hard that it breaks into several pieces.

Tony: "TRY CALLIN' 'EM NOW, YA BITCH!"

Tony then ran off as the wife tended to her injured husband.

Ext. Shot: Glenville town square, a short time later

The square was lit up with Christmas decorations. On one side was the town hall, on all other sides were local businesses. It looks like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting. In the center of the square was a fifty-foot Christmas tree fully decorated and lit up. Cut to Tony standing in the middle of the street. He looks at the tree with an evil grin on his face.

Tony: "Perfect! I can really stick it to 'em here!"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a book of matches. He looks at the matches, then he looks at the tree and smiles.

Tony: "Burn, baby, burn! HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, AHA, HA, HA, HA!"

Scene 3

Ext. Shot: A nearby street, that very moment

Quinn, Jim and Daria were looking for Tony. Daria visibly does not want to be a part of this search party.

Daria: "Why are we doing this?"

Quinn: "Because we wanna stop Tony before he does something that makes the news."

Jim: "I don't know about you, but I could do without the embarrassment if that happens."

Daria let out a defeated sigh.

Daria: "Fine, but I'm on record as saying I'd prefer leaving your father to the authorities."

Quinn looks thoughtful for a second.

Quinn: "We need to split up."

Jim agrees.

Jim: "Yeah, we have a better chance of finding him that way."

Daria sighed.

Daria: "Fine, Quinn..." She points to the left. "...you go that way. Jim..." Points to her right. "...you go that way. I'll check the town square."

Quinn whips out her cell phone.

Quinn: "We've all got our cell phones, right?"

Cut to Jim and Daria as they both produce their cell phones. Cut back to Quinn.

Quinn: "Okay, first one to find him calls the rest of us...after calming him down, of course."

Daria: "Naturally."

Jim: "Although calming Dad down might be a tad too optimistic."

Daria: "Well, there's always tranquilizer darts."

Neither Jim nor Quinn were in the mood to laugh at the joke.

Scene 4

Outdoor shot: Town square

Music: "Silent Night"

Silent night

holy night

Tony was approaching the tree, matchbook in hand.

All is calm

All is bright

Tony stands right in front of the tree.

Tony: "Dammit, wish I had some kerosene! It's gonna take forever for this thing to catch!"

Cut to his POV as he looks at a nearby hardware store. Cut to third person as Tony shakes his head.

Tony: "Nah, place probably has an alarm. By the time I get the gas this area would be swarming wit' cops. Looks like I'm doin' this the hard way."

Tony takes a match and lights it. He's about to start lighting the tree when...

Daria (VO, off screen): "Tony."

Tony turns around. Cut to see Daria standing right behind him.

Daria: "As much as I like a good fireworks show, you're gonna need an accelerant to get something that big going."

Tony: "Mind yer damn business, Daria, an' stay outta my way."

Daria: "Tempted, but I really don't think Jim would appreciate that."

Tony: "So, he made ya look for me instead o' coming himself. Figures!"

Daria: "Jim's looking for you too. We all are. I just have the misfortune of being the one who actually found you. Look, you need to come home, much as I'd prefer you didn't."

Tony: "So, you're movin' out after all?"

Daria: "No, and you're not moving in."

Tony: "Why?"

Daria: (dead pan) "Well, let's see. You yell at everyone, you pick fights with everyone and you both physically and mentally abuse everyone you come across. It shouldn't come as a surprise that your son and Quinn don't want you living with them because, frankly, you're just too damn unpleasant."

Tony hung his head and sighed.

Tony: "Look, sorry I went crazy back there, an' sorry I smacked ya."

Rather than accept the apology, Daria just stands there with her arms folded. Tony can tell that she's awaiting further explanation.

Tony: "Look, I just got so angry! I've burned so many bridges with my son that he wants nothing to do wit' me. He was gonna let me become homeless."

Daria: "No, he wasn't."

Tony doesn't believe her.

Tony: "Yeah, right."

Daria: "Look, Jim's a good person. He's a good father, a loving husband, a loyal friend and, for reasons I'll never understand, a good son. He wouldn't leave you out in the street, despite the fact that you've done more than enough to deserve such a fate.

Tony sighed.

Tony: "I guess yer right. Truth is...well...ya see..."

Daria finishes for him.

Daria: "You weren't mad at us, you were mad at yourself."

Tony nodded.

Tony: "Yeah, much as I hate to admit it. Look, I know I've treated everyone in my life like shit. That's why I barged in after selling the house. I knew the only Jim was gonna take me in was if he didn't think he had a choice. Then, I find you livin' there an' it just really pissed me off. I started picking fights wit' everyone 'cause I was mad about the fact that I was gonna end up in th' street after all."

Daria sighed. Much as she hates it, she has to be helpful despite all the shit Tony's pulled.

Daria: (thought VO) Damn conscience! (out loud) "Look, just come home and we can work this out."

Tony appears to think it over for a second. Finally, he makes his decision.

Tony: "Fine, I'll come home wit' youse."

He then extinguishes the lit match in the snow. Cut to Daria as she pulls out her cell phone.

Daria: "Quinn, I've found him and, against my better judgment, calmed him down."

Scene 5

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, later that evening

Int. Shot: The living room

Tony sat alone on the couch while Quinn, Jim, Chris and Daria were in the kitchen deciding his fate. Finally, they all come out.

Chris: "Well, Dad, we've decided what to do with you. Obviously, you can't live with me because I'm living in Uncle Vito's basement until Brooke either remarries or dies." His expression darkens. "Damn alimony!"

Tony: "Then where am I gonna go? I mean, Jim an' his wife made it clear they don' want me livin' wit' them."

Jim: "We've decided you can stay with us after all."

Quinn: "At least for now."

Tony's eyes lit up.

Tony: "Really!? Ya mean it!?"

Jim: "Look, you may be a vicious bastard who pisses everyone off, but you're still family."

Quinn: "But, there are some conditions."

Tony is surprisingly agreeable.

Tony: "Okay."

Daria: "First off, you have to be nice to all of us, including me."

Quinn: "That means no more picking fights with us, no more spewing racist and misogynistic insults, no more physical assaults when one of us says something you don't like and no more disrespecting my parents, our friends or Jim's mother."

Tony: "That's fair. I mean, it is your house. 'Sides, I can help yas mold the boys into men."

Jim: "No, you won't. The next condition is you keep being the kindly grandparent and leave the parenting to us."

Tony is visibly disappointed.

Tony: "You gotta be shitting me!"

Jim: "Hey, my house, my rules! Live with it!"

Tony folds his arms.

Tony: "UGH! Fine!"

Quinn: "That brings us to the next condition. You owe Jim and I several thousand dollars for all the damage. We need a new dinning room table, a new dinette set, a new liquor cabinet, a new TV and the kids need a new Xbox and new games."

Tony shrugs.

Tony: "I was gonna do all that anyways."

Quinn: "Now, and I can't stress this enough, you don't abide by these rules and it's off to the nursing home with you."

Tony appears to mull it over for a moment. Finally...

Tony: "Well, I guess that's fair. Frankly, it was probably unrealistic to expect free reign 'round here anyways."

He stood up and actually hugs Jim.

Tony: "Jim, sorry for all th' shit I put ya through. I swear I'll be a nice guy from now on."

Jim was visibly moved by this as he's always wanted a healthy relationship with his father.

Jim: "Thanks, Dad."

Jim returns the hug.

Tony: "Merry Christmas, son!"

Jim: "Merry Christmas, Dad!"

Quinn joins the hug, followed closely by Chris, the triplets, Jake and Helen. The lone holdout is Daria.

Daria: "sigh...What the hell."

She joins the group hug. Freeze frame as they suddenly appear to be drawn in the Norman Rockwell style. Over the group hug is the following caption...

"Merry Christmas"

End Credits.

Music: "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer"

As the end credits roll, we're treated to a bonus scene.

Ext. Shot: The entrance to an apartment complex, one week later

Tony stood in front of the entrance. Cut to his POV and we see the following plague over the archway...

Cherry Grove Retirement Home

"We take you in when your yuppie kids won't"

Tony silently seethes with anger.

Tony: (thought VO) Dammit!

Yep, Tony couldn't abide by the terms laid out after all, so he only lived at Casa Carbone for one week. That's how long it took the rest of the family to dump him in a nursing home.

End Chapter.