The sound of girly shoes clack into the room, followed by a rush of voices.
"He said he wanted space from her."
"That's such a line. He just doesn't want to commit."
"I think she should just—"
Lauren yanks herself from her half-sleep and sits up like zombie raised from the dead, She glares in the general direction of the voices. "No!" When she finally commits to opening her eyes, three girls stare at her, lip-glossed mouths wide open . Lauren picks Steffi out of line-up and growls, "Not today. Not here. Not this morning. Please?"
"It's afternoon, Lauren," Steffi says gently. "It's 12.15pm."
"Okay, whatever, but I am sleeping." She waves at the window. "And this whole campus—this whole town— is full of places where you could gather and discuss the pros and cons of whether or not she should dump him. Please just not here. I have work in two hours and I need sleep. " Her head hits the pillow with a thump.
"Okay, grouchy," Steffi says cheerfully. There's some whispering. "We're going to Bake and Bean. Would you like me to bring you back a croissant, Lauren?"
"Yes," she mumbles into her pillow. "I would like that very much."
"Okay, see you later," Steffi chirps, and they're gone.
She pushes her head back under the pillow, but she can't sleep now. It's over. Done. She grunts and sits back up.
In the shower, she lets the tepid water stream over her head and shuts her eyes. As she rubs shampoo into her hair, she feels that sore, tender spot on her head again. She thought it was hilarious last night. Gross. Why does she have to do such dumb things like sleep with cocky idiots who read Kerouac? Or probably pretends to read Kerouac.
But at least she didn't hurt anyone else doing it. That's always been Lauren's rule: You can get messy. You can make dubious choices. You can rely on your girl friends to pull down your skirt, find your phone for you, or draw you away from a dicey situation. But you just can't hurt anyone. You can't get mean.
When she'd done, Helen's waiting outside her room, clutching two looks ridiculously fresh, like she spent last night at a spa instead of huge house party.
"What are you doing here?" Lauren asks as she comes towards her, hair still wrapped in a towel.
"Just saying hi. Avoiding my uptight roommate who wants to start a cleaning schedule." Helen pushes herself off the wall and holds out a coffee cup. "And thought I'd bring you this."
"That I will take," Lauren says as she turns her key in the lock.
As her dorm door swings open, Helen peers in, taking in the frenetic pinkness of Steffi's side, set off by Lauren's barren half.
"I can't decide which side of the room I hope is not yours," Helen says.
"Very funny." Lauren takes the cup from her and tosses her shower bag on her bed.
"Right, so Zen minimalist it is."
"Tell me again: what are you doing here? Did you decide my hangover needed some heckling or something?" Lauren sips her coffee and flinches. Maybe she's not ready. Maybe she'll never be ready.
"No. I was just…checking in after last night."
"Was I that messy?" Lauren asks lightly, scrubbing her towel over her hair. To be honest, she's not one hundred percent sure of the last time she saw Helen. It could have been at the late night place with the french fries Lauren demanded.
"Well, you were sort of like a small human battering ram. A highly intoxicated one." She smiles. "Fun, but a little crazy, maybe.
"That's a first. I've never been called a battering ram before."
"Thought it might hurt a little today."
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
"And, you know, you left with that guy and I wasn't exactly a fan."
Lauren stares out at the kids braving the cold on the front lawn. "Like I said, I'm fine." It comes out tighter this time.
"I know that now. You just didn't answer my messages, that's all."
"Because I was fine." Actually, because Lauren hasn't looked at her phone once today. It's not like she's expecting any good news. Ever.
"Okay," Helen says carefully. Then she stands there, watching her, like she's waiting for Lauren to say or admit something.
The look sets off something in her. She turns around. "And it's not really of your business, anyway."
Helen presses her lips together and nods. "Okay. Sorry. I overstepped," she says quietly. "I'll leave you alone."
"Yeah, I have to get ready for work." Lauren mumbles, turning back to the window. She listens to Helen's footsteps until they fade. And she doesn't move until she sees her exit the building below, making her slow way across the quad. Only then does Lauren let out a breath and throw her towel on the bed.
Just another thing to feel guilty about.